Ephesians 5:22-33 - Storytellers Part 2: Wives

You are listening to a message from Southwood Presbyterian Church in Huntsville, Alabama.

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A couple of things about next Sunday before we jump in this morning.

Next Sunday is scheduled to be Chad's last Sunday on staff here at Southwood.

There will be a brief congregational meeting after the service to handle some of the details of that.

But please pray for their family as they prepare to transition to Florida and the pastoral call that he has there.

Please be praying for them and please join us after the worship service next Sunday for that meeting.

Next Sunday will also be the final sermon in this series.

Series we've been having this little mini-series on marriage and the family within the book of Ephesians.

It's a passage next week that speaks directly to children and to parents.

So parents, the sermon will be intentionally a little bit shorter.

You glad for that? Yeah? You're excited? You'll be here next week.

It'll be a little bit shorter and more specifically geared towards children.

They will get to come and be in here and also hear what God's Word has to say to their parents.

So a couple of things.

One is kids' worship will not take place next week because of this.

So bring your kids with you.

I knew none of you would want your kindergartners, first graders to miss out on hearing obey your parents.

I didn't want mine to miss, so they'll be in here with us.

Consider sitting a little closer or telling them to pay particular attention next week

as they get to hear words to them and to you in the same passage.

God's Word speaks to them directly and that's exciting.

I want them to be a part of that.

Don't forget the following Tuesday as well, we have a Pastors on the Patio lunch conversation about marriage

so we can sit down and discuss some of these issues together.

I can't address every situation up here, but I'd love to sit down and talk about them with you.

So that's Tuesday, September 1st.

Please join us for that.

Before we read this section on marriage relationships one more time, let me remind us of the story that it's telling.

The story that God says marriage is really about.

We said that first week, marriage is not first and foremost about us.

It's about telling the glorious story of the relationship between Jesus and His bride, the church.

As that story goes, there's a princess.

One who is created and intended for greatness.

To be beautiful and have a significant role.

But she's lost and abandoned and forlorn.

She's in need of rescue.

And there's also a prince.

In this story, it's the prince of heaven.

Jesus who steps down from His throne and comes on a rescue mission.

To seek that lost princess.

To rescue her.

To restore to her the beauty and the glory for which she was created.

And He does that at great cost to Himself, right?

He marries her and she delights in His love and lives in intimate relationship with Him happily ever after.

Forever.

That's the story.

And we've said that the highest purpose of our marriages, God's grand design, what He's about in marriage,

is for us to tell that story.

To put on display for all to see the remarkable relationship between Christ and the church.

So we talked last week about how Paul tells husbands to be storytellers.

To fill their role of leading through sacrificial love.

It was hard enough on the husbands last week that many of their wives told me they were going to skip this morning.

So that may or may not be the case.

But today we are going to focus on wives.

How they too are to be storytellers of this great story that the world so needs to hear.

Let's give our attention to the reading of God's Word.

It is true.

The only thing you can absolutely count on.

His Word is authoritative because it is His Word.

The Word of our God and King.

And it is needful for us because He created us and He invented marriage.

So He's going to tell us how He designed it to work.

And that will be for our good.

Let's read Ephesians 5 at verse 22.

Verse 22.

Verse 22.

This mystery is profound and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Pray with me.

Father, these are Your words.

And so we trust that You by Your Spirit will use them to guide and direct us.

May we find ourselves submissive to Your Word.

All of us this morning.

We are not above it.

We don't stand in judgment on it.

We stand under it.

And we ask that we would be blessed by it.

That You would give us great blessing in knowing You better.

Father, in knowing Your love for us in new ways this morning.

And that Jesus would be glorified as we talk about this passage together.

Father, will You do that because You love Your church dearly.

So we ask it in Jesus' name.

Amen.

Imagine for a minute this morning that you went to see a production of the wonderful musical Les Mis.

Anybody like Les Mis?

It's a great musical.

A wonderful story of law and grace.

Of mercy and justice.

Of the ex-con turned mayor Jean Valjean.

The hardened policeman Javert.

It's a great, great story.

Imagine though that you go to this production of it and it's wonderful.

You're loving it.

The actor portraying Valjean and the actor portraying Javert are doing a great job.

They're wonderful singers.

Then about halfway through the production, they decide that they want to start playing a little bit of each other's roles.

You know, the guy playing Javert thinks he can hit that high note just a little bit better than Valjean.

And so he sings that song.

And then the guy playing Valjean thinks he can really capture the angst of Javert's solo.

And so he just sings it for him right in the middle of the play.

Now, for those of you who love it, that would be awful, wouldn't it?

Can you imagine that?

These two guys have brought us this far.

We've built up the tension.

We understand the story.

And now, y'all just ruined the story.

I mean, it's so confusing now.

I don't even know who stands for what.

But they may both be great singers.

They may sing the songs beautifully, but you've lost the beauty of the story and the confusion of who is who, haven't you?

You need someone to play each role well in order to have the full story.

You need Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two of either of them.

And God says that's vital in marriage too.

We have a story to tell.

Well, the distinction in our roles then is important.

It's not random.

It's not meaningless.

And losing those distinctions loses the beauty of the story that's being told.

So the passage says husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

They're to play the role of Jesus in that sense.

And then this morning, as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands, playing the role of the church within the marriage.

And I want to talk about the beauty and the glory of that arrangement this morning.

To have those two complementary roles come together in such a way that the story is told beautifully and it's glorious.

But we have to acknowledge up front that because of the confusion of our culture, because of the sin in our own hearts and lives, this idea has been twisted and ridiculed into something that is not beautiful and glorious, but rather ugly and shameful.

The idea of a husband and wife in complementary roles is often not thought well of these days.

And I hope that we can clarify and demystify some of the confusion around the idea of biblical submission this morning.

In order to do that, it's important to remember a couple of things up front.

For men and women, husbands and wives, our value, our significance comes first from being created equally in God's image.

Genesis 1.27

God created man in His own image.

In the image of God, He created him male and female.

He created them equally in God's image.

Men and women are uniquely valuable in God's creation above all else in the creation.

The one thing created in His image, man and woman.

And so they share worth that comes from being in the image of the creator of the universe.

And then even as God begins to restore His broken and fallen creation through the redemption of Jesus,

what do we find out?

Is our identity then in what we do?

At that point, do we get significance from how we perform?

No.

Is it from our social status?

No.

From our religious activity?

No.

As all of Ephesians has told us, our new identity comes from being connected to Christ.

In Christ is our new identity.

Galatians 3.28

There's neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free, male nor female.

You are all one in Christ Jesus.

The value and worth and significance that we have comes from being created in the image of God

and redeemed and connected in Christ.

Being united in Christ brings a commonality and identity and worth

that far outweighs ethnic or social or gender differences before God.

That is vitally important.

We must remember that.

Men and women in God's image, in Christ, together.

So important.

And so when God's Word speaks of gender distinctives as vital,

and this passage does do that, it's not unclear.

It can't be speaking to value differences.

The distinctives can be vital, but they can't be about value.

Value was established already.

Not by the unique role.

Value was held in common as image bearers, as children of the king.

So both of the singers are fantastic.

Together they're going to tell a beautiful story, right?

They're both valuable.

Think of a basketball team, for example.

On most teams, some guys shoot the ball more than others.

Some of them pass the ball more than others.

Some of them rebound better than others.

But on the best teams, you really have a hard time telling which of those

is the most valuable player on the team, don't you?

You need all of them.

It's the same way in the body of Christ.

There are different parts that have different gifts and play different roles in the body,

but the eye can't say to the foot,

I don't need you.

I'm more valuable than you.

When you're singing a duet,

one voice may be on the melody line and the other on the harmony line.

Did you hear James and Kayla just then?

It's a beautiful song, right?

A great duet, but both of those voices are absolutely vital to the beautiful song.

They must complement each other.

Otherwise, even if they're both wonderful, if they don't work together,

the beauty of the song, the beauty of the story is lost.

Think about that.

In all those examples, and there are many, many others you could come up with,

beauty and success is achieved by complementing each other,

not by competing with each other.

That's God's design in marriage.

Gender distinctives are vital.

That's the way He designed it,

for them to complement each other.

But they don't impact one's value.

There's a lot of overlap, even in the roles,

the specific roles between husband and wife.

Of course, both should love.

Both should serve.

Both should respect and seek the good of the other.

That's the way God's designed marriage,

is for us to be seeking the good of the other.

But there are clearly differences too.

Particular reasons that we are to play particular roles uniquely

in order to tell the great story.

And that's what it's about, right?

Telling that story, not about us.

It's about telling the story of God's love for His church

and the church's joy in response to what God has done for her.

So last week, we saw the husband's role as head was sacrificial love.

Wives actually get two different words

where love is used both times for the husbands.

So we'll look at both of them.

Those two words are submit and respect.

Let's start with submission, verse 22.

I met with a group of ladies a few weeks ago

to talk about this passage, to get input from them.

Because I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid.

And so we talked, and one of the things they told me is

there are a lot of unhelpful definitions for submission out there.

Definitions that refer to inferiority,

that would suggest weakness is involved in submission.

That silence and passivity is what is meant,

that you should disappear and not be worthwhile or valuable.

Let me give us a different definition to work with

for what biblical submission means.

Willingly placing yourself under the authority of another

for your own good.

Notice in this definition,

willingly placing yourself actively choosing

not to be stuck somewhere that you're by nature inferior,

but willingly choosing from a position of strength,

making a decision about what's best.

Placing yourself under the authority of someone

for your own good.

In this case, for what's best,

not only for you, but for what's best

for telling the story.

You might picture yourself taking cover under a shelter

from an oncoming storm.

In other words, submitting yourself to being under it

instead of somewhere else,

but for your good and for your protection.

Or picture cars merging onto an interstate

where you might end up knowing that there's an order

to be followed if you want to be safe.

Even if that means that you fall behind a car

that's no better than you.

I think these pictures are helpful

because it fits with what we see in this passage.

We don't get as many details, do we,

for the church's submission,

for what that looks like.

We got verse after verse last week

of what it looks like for Christ to love the church.

And husbands, love your wives

and do this and this and this.

There's not as much detail,

but do notice in the midst of talking about submission,

Paul brings in Christ's headship of the church

and says it involves being its savior.

It involves saving the church.

Verse 23.

In other words, there's help, rescue, protection needed

that submission avails itself of.

What does it look like for the church to submit to Christ?

To begin with, when the church submits to Christ,

she is protected.

He takes the blows.

He stands in the way of danger, shielding her.

That's the design.

And so the church follows His direction

rather than her own ideas.

Jesus, as the head of the church,

directs us to desire and to follow His will

for our own good.

In fact, if you remember,

Jesus Himself models this kind of submission

in His relationship with His Father.

When He prays,

not my will,

but yours be done.

Let me take a side note here for just a second.

I want to slam the door shut

on the idea of submission having to do with value.

You know the absolute best way

to remove the possibility

that submission has to do with value?

Jesus did it.

Not just in the Garden of Gethsemane,

but the conquering risen King of all

when He brings everything under His feet,

when He's the ruler of all,

1 Corinthians says this is what happens.

The Son Himself will also be subjected,

exact same word from this passage,

to Him who put all things in subjection under Him

that God may be all in all.

Jesus willingly for His good

and the good of the glory of God

in the universe submits.

There's a distinction in roles

in the Godhead

between Father and Son and Spirit,

but certainly no loss of value or glory whatsoever.

Don't even consider it.

Okay?

End of pastor ranting on side note.

I want to put that to bed.

It shouldn't cross our minds,

but we're broken.

And it does.

So the church,

in following the guidance of Jesus,

has to trust that He has her best interest at heart.

That's another aspect of the church submitting to Christ,

isn't it?

Trusting Him.

So I want to ask the obvious question

that I have felt for you already

three or four times, ladies, so far.

What if He doesn't?

What if He doesn't have my best interest at heart?

Because with Jesus,

we're all set, right?

It's easy to talk about that.

As the church submits to Christ,

He's perfect.

He always has our best interest at heart.

We can always trust Him.

You'll have this objection come to mind again

before the end of this sermon.

My husband is not like Jesus.

I know at least one of you who has that objection.

And I agree.

No husband is perfect like Jesus.

But I want to suggest that we have to start

by noting Paul is making a comparison

rather than a contrast here

between husbands and Jesus

and the role they're playing in the story.

Don't start by objecting to the differences

even though there, of course, are some.

Let me tell you what you're trusting

when you entrust yourself

to your husband's direction.

This passage says you're to do it

as to the Lord.

There's nothing and no one else

who will never fail you or let you down.

You know that.

But you're supposed to submit to your husband

as though he might come through for you.

As though he really does want

what's best for you.

Listen, your idea may be better.

Your plan may be wiser.

And submission doesn't mean you don't speak.

We'll get to that in a minute.

But how do you foster in your own heart

and communicate to your husband

your trust and confidence in him

even when you doubt or disagree?

We said last week men have struggled

with their role since the Garden of Eden.

They've wanted to be passive

and step away and not be

what God has called them to be.

Women have too.

Part of the curse on the woman

is her desire for her husband's role.

And I'm going to suggest

that that comes back to where we find our value.

Hang with me here for just a minute.

I talked a lot about value at the beginning

partly for this reason.

When we don't find our value

in being made in the image of God

and being daughters of the King

through our union with Christ

when that's not enough

in the particular moment

where do we find it?

Where do we find our value?

We find it by comparison, don't we?

Been on Facebook lately, ladies?

Comparison is a thief of joy.

Facebook is a greenhouse of comparison.

Not just for women.

For all of us.

You see everyone else's highlight reel.

They look better in the pictures next to you.

They seem to make more money.

Their house is bigger and cleaner.

They fit more stuff into their schedule than you do.

They even eat more healthily than you

while making more money.

And how quickly does your worth

and your value get attached to that?

Answer that question honestly.

How quickly does your worth and value

get attached to that comparison to others?

You're a daughter of the King of the universe.

He loves you.

You're precious to Him.

You bear His image.

All of you.

You're not the sum of your likes

and your retweets and your blogs.

And the things that people say about you

or you see about yourself.

So in marriage,

I don't think that many of you wives

compare your role to His in itself.

I don't think that's the comparison.

Ah, do I like headship or submission?

I think the comparison that we struggle with

is we compare how well He's doing in His role

to how well I would do.

Man, it's hard to trust Him

when you're smarter than He is.

My wife knows that.

And so your concern is that in submission,

it means giving in to be run over

by someone who's more foolish

or doesn't know as well.

That you'll be undervalued,

underappreciated.

Listen, God doesn't undervalue you.

You're His daughter.

You're worth so much to Him.

Whether you're smarter than your husband or not,

it's not where your value comes from.

Here's a hard one.

What about when you're more spiritually mature

than your husband?

And we talked last week about him needing to show

spiritual leadership in the relationship.

How do you allow him to be a spiritual leader

like we talked about when you're more spiritually mature?

That's genuinely hard.

So what you're actually having to put your trust in

is in God.

Not just in your husband.

Is that God knows what He's doing.

That He hasn't lost sight of how to do things.

That God has put you in a relationship

for your protection and your good.

And so submission is willingly placing yourself

under the authority of another

for your own good.

So when you trust your husband's leadership,

when you follow his direction joyfully

and expect He'll bless you,

you're picturing the joy of the church

following the one who has blessed her.

What a great privilege

that you get to show what that looks like.

There's a second word used for wives though

in verse 33.

When Paul summarizes,

he says it differently.

Let each one of you husbands love his wife as himself.

Let the wife see that she respects her husband.

He picks a different word.

And here I want to make sure

that when I talk about submit or follow

or things like that,

that you don't hear silent withdrawing from engagement.

You know, just sit around and hope

he provides spiritual leadership against all odds.

In fact, if you think about

how the church submits to Christ,

that's not the picture at all, is it?

The church is to use actively

all the gifts and abilities Christ has given her

to work for the extension of his kingdom.

It's why he's called us to himself.

So when you think about respect,

think this,

using all your gifts and abilities

for the honor of another.

I love how Paul's explicit here

about the importance of telling the story.

Look back at verse 21.

Right as he enters into talking about marriage,

he finishes the last section.

It says,

submitting to one another

out of reverence for Christ.

That's all of us.

Then verse 33,

as it comes in and closes this section,

let each one of you love his wife as himself

and let the wife see

that she respects her husband.

The word translated respects

is the verbal form of the same word

used for reverence in verse 21.

It's likely why he uses

a different word in this context.

What's Paul saying?

This is not random.

He's saying this is about

not just what you do towards your husband.

It's about the reverence due to Christ.

Now reverence starts to push the envelope

a little bit on respect, doesn't it?

In our context,

that's a little bit stronger feeling.

It's the thing we're all supposed to do

in regard to Christ.

Is your husband worthy

of the reverence and respect

due your Savior?

Still thinking on that one?

Is he worthy of that?

Of course our initial response is no.

No, he's not.

No, he's not worthy of the honor

and reverence and respect due to Christ.

But that's the role that wives are given.

To respect, to lift up,

to honor their husbands

for the sake of telling that story

because Jesus really is worthy

of that kind of respect.

If we think of it in relation

to how the church does this with Christ,

that's where it becomes such an active thing.

All our words,

all the gifts he's given us by his Spirit,

all the energy they expend in the church

is not for their own glory,

but for his.

He's the hero of the story,

not them.

So wives are to use their sometimes,

usually superior gifts,

their intellect,

their words,

to support,

strengthen,

and honor their husbands.

In fact,

it's even a harder job for wives

than for the church in regard to Christ

because their husbands fail.

Christ is worthy of being respected

and honored,

but how do you respect and honor him

even in failure,

even when he falls short of earning it?

Now listen,

the Bible of course mentions exceptions.

You're never to promote or honor sin.

But push yourself to stick with the model

that we're given here.

Ask yourself,

how do you speak about your husband?

To him and behind his back.

Do you say things about him

that you would never say about your Savior?

When you disagree

or have input to give,

do you give it in such a way

as to shame him

or encourage him?

Do you capitalize on his weaknesses

to gain control

and get the upper hand

or do you seek to build him up

in those areas?

Do you pray for him regularly

because he needs it?

Listen,

the beauty of God's design

for this in marriage

is similar to what

I told the men last week.

When husbands lift their wives up

and that's their job,

because they are united

as one flesh in marriage,

they're lifted up too.

The same thing is true for wives.

When wives seek to honor

and respect their husband,

remember,

they don't work against each other.

They're united together in marriage

and so the beauty

of God's design for marriage

is that both are honored.

Sometimes it feels to us

like running your husband

down can actually get you honor

because you must be so amazing

to put up with a slouch

like that, right?

And so it feels good.

What an incredible wife

I must be.

But then you realize

it doesn't work like that at all.

You want to be proud

that such an amazing man

has chosen to love you.

Then you feel honored, right?

You want people to think well of him.

Isn't that what happens

to the church?

When the church seeks

the honor of Christ,

he makes her radiant

and blameless

at the same time.

It's such an amazing man

as Jesus would love her

and cleanse her

as a great honor

to the church.

There's mutual honor

because we're connected

to each other.

And the good news

of the gospel, ladies,

and you need to hear this

because I know

your husbands

let you down.

Because you're part

of Christ's bride,

Christ will make you glorious

even when your husband

fails to.

He will.

He's absolutely committed

to you like that.

It grieves me

when only one spouse

seeks to fill the role

that God has given him

or her in the marriage.

It's so painful to watch.

And the things that can happen

and the ways that people

are taken advantage of

and the ways these words

are used to hurt

instead of heal

are terrible.

But Christ is the perfect husband.

The one who will ensure

that you also are honored.

That you reflect his glory

the way he created you

in his image

to do in the first place.

He'll see that that happens.

He's absolutely committed to it.

I couldn't think about

this passage this week

without thinking about

the many wonderful examples

of this that we have

in our congregation.

Many of you will know

Betty Bates

who just this week

lost her husband

of 64 plus years

John.

John was a wonderful

gentle man.

But in the last several years

he suffered greatly

from dementia.

And he was hurting

and needed a lot of help.

And Betty stayed with him

every step of the way.

She woke him

bathed him

and dressed him

took him to places

he loved to go

like here

every week.

She gently told him

what he needed to know

which was nearly everything.

She held his hand

while he slept

so that he would feel secure.

But she didn't mock him

or belittle him

she respected him.

He needed her

but she let him

feel needed too.

What a gift

it has been

to watch someone

joyfully love someone

the way that she

has been loved.

What a gift

that is to us

to be able to

watch that modeled.

It's one of the

best things

about a

multi-generational

body of Christ

like this.

Please don't miss that.

Please don't miss

those relationships

and the gift

they are to you

to watch others

walk through

different seasons of life

and to love

the way that

they've been loved.

It's a great

great privilege.

Thinking of Betty

reminded me of the

story of David Ireland.

Shortly after

David's young wife

got pregnant

David found out

he had a disease

like Lou Gehrig's disease

and his body

began to shut down

rapidly

and David realized

that he may never

meet his child.

So he started

doing parenting

through writing

letters to the

child in his

wife's womb.

They've been

collected and

published in a book

called Letters to

an Unborn Child.

He introduces

his baby boy

to his mother

this way.

My child I want

you to know

what your mother

is like.

She is absolutely

incredible

and I think I can

make it clear to you

by just telling you

what happens when we

go out to eat at

night.

When we go to a

restaurant this is

what she has to do.

Because I'm a

quadriplegic now

and in a wheelchair

she has to bathe me

dress me

empty the urine

and fecal bags

strapped to my legs

then put me in the

wheelchair

drive me out to the

garage

open the garage

open the door

get out a board

pull up the arm

on my chair

slide me across

the board

put me in the car

put down the arm

fold up the chair

open the trunk

put in the chair

close the trunk

close the door

get in the car

back it out

close the garage

door

and drive

to the restaurant.

When we get there

the whole process

is reversed.

We sit down

at a table

she feeds me

wipes the drool

from my mouth

because I can

barely eat

gets up

pays the check

and then the whole

process is reversed

again.

Go out to the car

open the door

take off the arm

put down the board

slide me across

put down the arm

fold up the chair

go to the back

open the trunk

put up the chair

close the trunk

get in the car

drive

get to the garage

up goes the garage

door

everything else

reversed

take me in

clean me

empty the fecal

and urine bags

bathe me

put me in my pajamas

and lays me in bed.

Then he says this

son these are her

last words to me

thank you honey

for taking me out

to eat tonight.

thank you honey

for taking me out

to eat tonight.

Do you hear the

echoes of the

greater story

in that one?

Do you see the

beautiful picture

of the incredible

gracious love

of God

that gives

dignity

to the spiritually

weak

and helpless?

The gospel

is there in that

story from so

many angles

but for this

morning

especially notice

she used all of

her energies

to honor him

and she is

honored

too.

Southwood I know

it doesn't make

sense to us

but marriage

is best for us

when husbands

lay down their

lives

for their wives

and wives respond

by honoring

their husbands

and more importantly

not only is it

best for us

we have the great

joy

and privilege

of telling the

story of a church

loved so well

by her Savior

that she would

seek his honor

in everything

because he is

so good

to her.

Let's pray.

Father it is a

great privilege

you have given

us

to tell this

story.

There are many

ways that you

allow us to

share it with

others

and every one

of your children

gets the privilege

of telling it

but Father

especially in

marriage

you have given

a picture

and given

us a

responsibility

forgive us

when we look

at it as a

burden

rather than a

joy

when laying

down our

lives

seems

less than

desirable

when using

gifts that

otherwise would

be for our

own good

to seek the

good of

another

Father

that seems

unfair

thank you

that you're

wiser than

we are

thank you

that you're

committed to

us so that

when we

sacrifice

what seems

like a

huge cost

to us

you pay

us back

abundantly

because of

your love

for us

thank you

thank you

that you

found us

needy and

weak and

helpless

and that you

have loved

us

and you've

made us

clean we

rejoice in

your kindness

to us

in Jesus

name

amen

for more

information

visit us

online at

southwood.org