Learning to Lead: Leaders in Marriage

If those who are going to read, if they could come up.

There's two readings, one from Ephesians and one from Genesis.

The Genesis reading first and then Ephesians, so we'll do that.

Genesis 3, 1-17, you'll find it on page 5.

Of your Bible.

That's the beginning of the Bible.

Now the servant was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made.

He said to the woman, did God really say you must not eat from the tree in the garden?

The woman said to the serpent, we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden.

But God did say you must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden.

You must not touch it or you will die.

You will not surely die, the servant said to the woman, for God knows that when you eat it, your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.

She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it.

Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized they were naked.

So they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day.

And they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

But the Lord God called to the man, where are you?

He answered, I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked.

So I hid.

And he said, who told you that you were naked?

Have you eaten from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?

The man said, the woman, you put her here with me.

She gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it.

And then the Lord God said to the woman, what is this that you have done?

And the woman said, the serpent, he deceived me and I ate it.

So the Lord God said to the serpent, because you have done this, cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild animals.

You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life.

And I will put enmity between you and the woman, between your offspring and hers.

He will crush your head and you will strike his heel.

To the woman he said, I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing.

With pain you will give birth to children.

Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.

To Adam he said, because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, you must not eat of it.

Cursed is the ground because of you.

Through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.

And the next reading is taken from Ephesians chapter 5, beginning at verse 22.

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

And that's on page 1176 of the Church Bible.

Ephesians chapter 5, beginning at verse 22.

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the saviour.

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his wife loves himself.

After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.

For we are members of his body.

For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church.

However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,

and the wife must respect her husband.

Thanks very much, Ross and Chris, for reading.

Please keep your Bibles open there at Ephesians 5.

That's the main part that we're going to be looking at, but we'll also be going back to Genesis 3.

And this is a continuation in our little series on learning to lead.

Last week we were looking at leaders within the church.

Next week, well, it's the all-age celebration.

So a week after that, we're going to be looking at leaders within the home.

And today we're looking at leaders in marriage.

Well, let's ask for God's help as we look at this.

Our Father, we are grateful for all that you give to us, but we are needy people,

and we always need the help of your Holy Spirit to understand these words that have been written,

to see how they apply to us, but also that they would change us and transform us and cause us to live according to your design.

So please work amongst us this morning.

Please encourage us all and help us as we seek to understand what it is to lead in marriage as you have designed it.

And we pray it in Jesus' name. Amen.

And can I say as well, if there's any questions at any time,

if it's really a bursting question, you can signal.

But if you can wait until at the end, that's okay too.

But please, you know, we do want to discuss these things,

and there may be issues that arise and you want to talk through.

So please feel free to talk to me after.

So, leaders in marriage.

Well, marriage, it seems, is still very popular.

According to last year's census, which I hope you all filled out,

37% of our population is now married.

That's an increase of 145,000 from five years ago.

So love is certainly in the air.

However, the same census tells us that there's a greater increase in marriage breakdown.

So, for example, divorce is up by 150% from five years ago.

That's an extra 50,000 couples who've experienced a broken marriage.

Or to put it another way, 15% of those who get married end in divorce or separation.

And that's a very conservative figure.

And it doesn't stop there.

Many stay together, but yet their marriages are very unhappy,

and they cease to function as they ought.

And, of course, there's many reasons for that,

and we haven't time to look at all of those reasons.

But I think the main underlying reason,

the root cause for marriage breakdown,

is a failure for God's people to follow God's design for marriage.

And, in particular, the husband in his role as leader.

So what is God's design for marriage?

Well, as one writer put it,

it is politically incorrect and deeply beautiful.

Have a look at Ephesians, chapter 5, verse 22.

Ephesians 5:22

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife,

as Christ is the head of the church.

So let me summarize it like this.

Submission and headship,

and when we say headship, we mean leadership.

Submission and headship is God's beautiful design for marriage.

Now, I know that's a terribly unpopular statement,

and that could get me into a lot of trouble.

If I was to write that in a local newspaper,

I bet you I would get a lot of replies.

In fact, it sounds very deeply offensive

and culturally oppressive.

And before you're going to leave in anger or annoyance

or start throwing shoes at me or anything else like that,

we want to explore what we mean by submission and headship.

Well, first, it does not mean inferiority or superiority.

It means equality.

At the very beginning of the Bible,

no need to turn to it.

In Genesis 1, 27, it says that

God created man in his own image.

In the image of God, he created him.

Male and female, he created them.

So we are all equal in God's sight.

We're all made in his image.

So men are not greater,

and women are not better.

Exercising headship

does not increase my status or my value

any more than exercising submission

reduces my status or value.

We are equally loved

and treasured by God.

Equal in value

before God

and equal in our position

before God.

So there's equality

between man and woman,

husband and wife.

Now, second,

while there's equality,

this does not mean

sameness or likeness.

It means

that we are complementary.

Men and women are different.

Physically,

we're different.

That's obvious.

Emotionally,

we're different.

And part of that difference

is seen in our God-given roles.

So under God's design,

we have been given

different responsibilities.

And we see this

as we read through

the creation account

of the man and the woman,

particularly in Genesis chapter 2.

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

Because there's,

we read through that account,

we see that Adam

was given the command

not to eat

from the fruit of the tree

in the middle of the garden.

Chapter 2, verse 16.

Don't eat it,

he was told.

And then we read

a little bit later on

and we see that Eve

eats the fruit

and she gives it

to her husband,

but it's God

who holds Adam

to account

for what has happened

in chapter 3, verse 9.

So this is termed

in Ephesians

as headship.

He's responsible.

He's the leader.

God holds him

to account.

And we also see

within the Genesis account

that when God

created Eve,

it was with a special purpose

of being a helper

to Adam.

in chapter 2, verse 20.

And being a helper

doesn't mean

a go for,

get this, get that.

But that Adam

was incapable

of doing all

that God had called him

to do

and he needed

a helper,

he needed a partner,

somebody who was going

to work alongside him.

And this is termed

in Ephesians

as submission.

So equality

but complementarity.

Adam needed Eve

and Eve needed Adam.

This was all part

of God's beautiful design

for marriage.

But third and primarily,

God's design

for the man

and the woman

was ultimately

that he would reflect

the gospel.

So when we look

at the role

of the husband

and the wife,

we see a picture

of the gospel.

The role

of the husband

reflects the headship

of Christ

which is seen

through sacrificial service.

The role

of the wife

reflects the submission

of the church

to Christ

through willing obedience.

So look at verse 24

of Ephesians

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

chapter 5.

Now as the church

submits to Christ,

so also wives

should submit

to their husbands.

And verse 25,

Husbands,

love your wives

just as Christ

loved the church

and gave himself

up for her.

Verse 32,

this is a profound mystery

but I am talking

about Christ

and the church.

So here he's going

on about marriage

but then he says,

no actually

we're talking

about Christ

and the church.

We're talking

about the gospel.

God's design

for marriage

is a visible picture

of the good news.

In fact,

a marriage relationship

is a working demonstration

of Christ's headship

over the church

and the church's

submission to Christ.

So if you want to know

what Christ has done,

well we're to look

at the husband

and we'll get

a picture of that.

If we want to know

how the church

should respond to Christ,

we'll look at the wife

and we'll get

a picture of that.

The marriage relationship

is to be a beautiful

picture of the gospel.

That is its primary

reason.

But to get back

to the design

and the reason

for the breakdown

in marriage

is because

we have rejected

collectively

as a society

God's design

for marriage

especially

and I'm going

to be hard

on us men,

myself included,

we have rejected

God's design

for marriage

in two ways.

first we

abdicate

our authority.

Look back

to Genesis 3

and we'll see

how this has worked out.

Genesis chapter 3.

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

In Genesis 3

we have the account

of the first marriage

and sadly

the first marriage

breakdown.

and traditionally

we tend to look

at this story

and we think

well

the wife

that's Eve

she's the one

to blame

because she's the one

who ate the fruit

but that's not actually

the real story.

Look at chapter 3

verse 6.

When the woman

saw the fruit

of the tree

that was good

for food

and pleasing

to the eye

and also desirable

for gaining wisdom

she took some

and she ate it.

she also gave

some to her husband

who was with her

and he ate it.

So Adam

the husband

was actually there

all along.

All throughout

that temptation

Adam was just

standing idly by.

He had been given

the original command

in chapter 2

verse 16

not to eat

of the fruit

and now

he ignores

his responsibility

to ensure

that God's commands

are being worked out

within his life

and within his marriage.

That's why

it's God

who comes looking

for Adam

afterwards

even though

it was Eve

who ate the fruit

first

he comes looking

for Adam

chapter 3

verse 9

the Lord God

called to the man

where are you?

Come on Adam

show yourself.

Down to verse 17

to Adam

he said

because

you listened

to your wife

and ate

from the tree

about which

I commanded you

you must not

eat of it

cursed

is the ground

because of you.

God holds

Adam

the head

of the marriage

to account

he is the one

who is responsible

Adam

has abdicated

his authority

he's been sitting

back with his arms

folded

he hasn't taken

his role seriously

in fact

he's turned

his back

on God's design

and the knock-on

effects of this

are disastrous

because

abdicating

authority

leads to

the husband

abusing

his authority

look at

chapter 3

of Genesis

and the last

part of verse 16

this is the

the pronouncement

upon Eve

upon the woman

for her part

in it

but let's

let's hear

carefully what it

says

it's the last

two lines

of verse 16

it says

that your

desire

will be

for your

husband

and he

will rule

over you

now we need

to understand

that carefully

when it says

for the woman

to desire

your husband

it doesn't

mean to say

that she's

going to be

totally madly

in love

with him

it means

actually to

dominate

your husband

to take

his place

to put

yourself

in his

place

and to

take on

his role

and in

response

he

will rule

over you

to rule

over

not in a

good way

but in a

bad way

it means

to oppress

your wife

to be

harsh

today we

call it

feminism

and chauvinism

where the

wife

usurps

her authority

and the

husband

abdicates

or abuses

his authority

the wife

tries to do

what the

husband should

do

she seeks

to be

head of

the family

and the

husband

abuses

his role

so instead

of serving

his wife

his wife

is there

to serve

him

and I

hope we

can see

how this

begins to

get worked

out within

our marriage

relationships

this is

part of

the fall

this is a

part of

working out

of what

happens when

we go

against

God's

design

the wife

tries to

control

the husband

manipulating

and scheming

and trying

to get

their own

way

and in

response

the husband

doesn't like

this so he

tries to

crush the

wife

and becomes

very domineering

and aggressive

and all of

this leads

to heartache

and pain

and brokenness

and disorder

this terrible

ongoing cycle

of trying

to control

the husband

and the

husband

in response

crushing

his wife

so instead

of seeing

the gospel

instead of

getting this

wonderful picture

of Christ

all we see

is sin

in all

its ugliness

things

now let's

just take a

moment out

from this

and apply

this to

husbands

and to

wives

so husbands

listen up

and not just

husbands

but all

potential husbands

okay

listen carefully

we need to

see that

our sinful

nature

our natural

tendency

is always

moving towards

abdicating

our authority

or abusing

our authority

we abdicate

and we sit

back because

we just don't

want to take

on the

responsibility

it's too

much like

hard work

after all

we've got

much better

things to be

doing like

well there's

all the sport

we've got to

do and there's

all those

DIY projects

and then there's

all that work

I've got to

do it

you know

in the mornings

and everything

else

why would I

waste my

time on

caring

and giving

to my wife

and to

family

and investing

in them

why would I

do that

when I've

got things

to do

for myself

and we

abuse our

authority

because well

we're just

selfish beings

and we're

insecure

and we want

everything done

for us

we prioritize

our comfort

and our

happiness

above our

wife

we know

what our

comforts are

and we

know what

we want

so they

suffer

while we

savour

the moment

now I

don't know

what you

think of

that

husbands

and potential

husbands

but I

think

we fit

into one

or at

times both

of these

positions

but God

has made

us and he

has given

us a role

and responsibility

that demands

our attention

and we

need to

repent

we need

to acknowledge

to our

wives

we need

to come

before them

verbally

and acknowledge

and say

to them

yes I

have let

you down

yes I

have failed

in this

area

and we

need to

seek God's

forgiveness

and we

need to

ask of

his grace

and his

spirit

to be

able to

live out

his

beautiful

design

so

husbands

and potential

husbands

listen

carefully

to these

things

but let

me say

something

to wives

and all

potential

wives as

well

you need

to see

that your

sinful

nature

your

heart

tendency

is always

moving

towards

usurping

authority

or

becoming

a slave

to authority

so let

me unpack

that

wives

tend to

usurp

their

authority

to demand

their rights

to express

their autonomy

it's my

way or

the highway

unless it's

my way

we're not

doing it

but wives

can also

become a

slave to

authority

they see

themselves

as just

nothing more

than a

little

mousy

doormat

a yes

sir

no

sir

three

bags

full

sir

whatever

you

want

I'll

do

well such

a wife

who lives

that way

sadly

has lost

sight of

her dignity

and her

value

that she

is precious

and that

she's been

made in

God's

image

that wives

were called

to be

helpers and

partners with

their husbands

and to

make possible

what their

husbands simply

cannot do

on their

own

so wives

and potential

wives

God has

made you

beautifully

and wonderfully

but rather

than write

your own

role and

your own

description

for what

a wife

should be

follow

God's

design

which is

best for

you

and good

for you

and where

we need

to repent

let's

repent

and just

as husbands

need to

acknowledge

to wives

so wives

need to

acknowledge

to their

husbands

and maybe

you're not

married

maybe you

were married

where do

you fit

into all

of this

well

marriages

need

prayer

and support

as I

said at

the beginning

the increase

in marriage

breakdown

goes on

and on

and on

and it's

just as

likely to

happen

within

God's

family

as

anywhere

else

we're

not

immune

to

the

pressures

and

the

temptations

so

marriages

need

prayer

and they

need

support

and they

need

encouragement

from

all

of

God's

family

so what

does it

look like

then to

live out

God's

good design

for marriage

well let's

look at

two things

here

the design

of headship

to start

with

we need

to go

back to

Ephesians

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

chapter 5

go back

to Ephesians

Ephesians 5 · chapter mention

chapter 5

the

husband's

headship

of the

wife

is

modelled

on

Christ's

headship

of the

church

so in

Ephesians

Ephesians 5:23

5

verse

23

it says

for the

husband

is the

head

of the

wife

as

Christ

is the

head

of the

church

his

body

of which

he

is the

savior

verse

25

so

husbands

love

your

wives

just

as

Christ

loved

the

church

and

gave

himself

up

for

her

headship

is about

self

sacrifice

it's about

loving

service

C.S.

Lewis

writes

that the

headship

of the

husband

is not

expressed

in husbands

doing as

they like

but in

him whose

marriage

is most

like a

crucifixion

one

one of

service

whose

wife

receives

most

and

gives

least

so

husbands

we are

to

exercise

our

authority

by giving

of ourselves

sacrificially

to our

wives

and primarily

I think

this is

done by

taking

and applying

and working

out the

gospel

within

our

marriages

and within

our

family

so look

at the

rest of

verse

26

and 27

husbands

are to

love

their

wives

just as

Christ

gave

himself

for her

to make

her holy

cleansing

her by

the washing

with water

through the

word

and to

present

her to

himself

as a

radiant

church

without

stain

or wrinkle

or any

other

blemish

but holy

and

blameless

so just

as Jesus

Christ

gave of

himself

to make

us

the church

beautiful

so husbands

are to

give

themselves

to their

wives

to make

them

beautiful

not just

physically

outwardly

but in

their purity

inwardly

and in

their

godliness

I find

this quote

very helpful

we who

are husbands

need

sufficient

guts

to be

beauticians

that is

to give

ourselves

in loving

serving

leadership

of our

wives

so that

through

our

love

they may

become

more

beautiful

on the

inside

potential

wives

never

settle

for anything

less

than a

husband

who will

give

themselves

in loving

serving

leadership

so that's

the design

of

head

ship

what about

the design

of

submission

the

wife

well the

wife's

submission

to the

husband

is again

modeled on

the church's

submission to

Christ

look at

Ephesians 5

Ephesians 5:22

verse 22

and 24

wives

submit to

your husbands

as to

the Lord

verse 24

now as the

church submits

to Christ

so also

wives should

submit to

their husbands

in everything

now let's be

clear

submission if we

were to read

the whole context

of chapter 5

it starts by

telling us that

we are to

submit to

one another

verse 21

so submission

isn't just

for wives

just for women

we're all to

submit to

one another

in order

to submit to

God's design

and purposes

for us

and submission

is not about

obeying every

demand or

decree of

your husband

submission

is primarily

about obedience

to God's

order and

God's design

it's about

living life

as God

intended you

to live

this is his

best for you

in practice

wives it

means not

being insistent

on one's

rights

not always

pushy and

demanding

your own

way

but instead

becoming a

partner

instead coming

alongside your

husband and

encouraging him

on in his

role

John Stott has

put it well

like this he

says submission

to the husband's

role does not

mean living under

a tyranny of

oppression

compassion but

under his

responsibility

and care

so here we

have these

wonderful pictures

of what it is

to live in

God's design

together the

husband and

the wife paint

a beautiful

picture of the

gospel and

as we live

according to

God's design

they point

people around

them to the

love of

Christ and

how we

ought to

respond to

Christ

that's why

marriage is

so vital

as we go

about our

day every

day as we

go to work

as we live

amongst our

neighbours

our marriages

are on

display all

the time

our marriages

are out there

people are

looking at us

they are always

witnessing our

marriages are

always communicating

something to

everybody else

around us

and by God's

grace

we can

communicate

through our

marriage the

gospel of

Jesus Christ

people see a

visible picture

of Christ's

love for the

church as the

husband loves

his wife

and people

get to see

how we

should respond

to Christ

as the

wife submits

and supports

her husband

so men

and all

potential

husbands

take

responsibility

take this

calling

seriously

and lead

your marriages

well

and wives

take your

calling

seriously

and know

what it is

to submit

to your

husbands

in partnership

and may God

give us the

grace to live

out his

beautiful design

every single

day

let's pray

our father

God we

come to you

and

well we

acknowledge

perhaps we're

feeling

a little

bit

rebuked

and challenged

about your

your model

and your

design for

how we

should live

but thank

you for

your grace

that even

what we've

been looking

at reminds

us of

the gospel

the good

news of

Jesus

that we

can come

to him

time and

time again

and find

forgiveness

and find

the grace

and the

mercy

and the

way to

go on

living as

you call

us to

live

I pray

for every

marriage

represented

here

that you

would protect

them

and keep

them

enable each

husband here

to lead

his marriage

and his

family

well

may

every

wife

and

potential

wife

know what

it is

to live

alongside

their

husband

in

submission

in

partnership

and we

pray that

you would

give us

the grace

to do

this

and

ultimately

that it

may lead

and point

others

to

our

saviour

jesus

christ

so please

help us

and help us

all to be an

encouragement to

one another

we ask all

this in

jesus name

amen