True North+ | Ep. 1: Talking About Dating With Your Student

Hey, everyone.

Welcome in to a new podcast, I guess.

This is for True North parents.

So I'm Lewis.

I'm student ministry director here at Compass Bible Church, and I'm here with

my favorite person in the whole world.

Would you like to introduce yourself, my love?

I love that that's your description of me.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Shay.

I'm Lewis' wife.

Yeah, and so what we're doing here is we want to help you parents to

take these sermons, specifically these dating sermons, and get,

like, a brief overview of them.

You can listen to the full sermon on this True North, on our Compass

Student Ministry podcast, um, where we post all of our sermons every week.

Uh, but while we're in this dating series, we are going to make- Follow-up

podcasts after each sermon to help you talk about what your students

are learning with your students.

So we just, we wanna help you, and we- uh, at True North, we're all about partnering

with you to disciple your student.

And so we want to help you talk about all of these.

And we know dating has a lot of nuances, a lot of complexity.

Definitely.

And, and so we wanna help you talk about that with your students.

That's the point of this podcast.

So, what I'm gonna do really quickly here is just go over the sermon briefly.

Again, you can listen to it.

I'd encourage you to listen to it to get the whole thing of everyth-

every word your students heard.

And then…

Uh, so I'll go over it briefly, and then we'll highlight some key takeaways,

and then we'll talk through the small group questions, 'cause that's really

the best way for you to, to discuss the sermon with your students, is to ask

them about the small group questions and, and, um, talk through that.

So first, I'll go over the sermon.

So we talked about dating, and we talked really about, um, what

the point of dating is, right?

Why should you even date?

What's the main goal when dating?

That was our, our goal for this introductory sermon.

So three points: Dating is for God was the first point.

So dating is not separate from your relationship with God.

God is…

He owns everything.

We looked at 1 Corinthians 10:31, which says we should do everything for the glory

1 Corinthians 10:31

of God, and everything includes dating.

And we looked at Romans 11:36, which says that f- from God and through God and to

Romans 11:36

God are all things, including dating.

So dating is for God.

It's about God.

And what I told the students is that the most important person in

your dating relationship is God.

It's not you.

It's not your significant other.

Um, so that was the first point.

And I think one of the main takeaways that one of, um, the students I got

to hear talk after the sermon, one of the things he said is that a lot of

people view dating as something separate from their relationship with God.

It's not part of it.

Again, if, if our goal is to love God and to love others and disciple them,

then that's what dating is for too.

Dating fits under our preexisting mission of loving Jesus and

helping other people love Jesus.

So, um, that was our first point.

Our second point was that dating is for marriage.

So dating is not something that you do, um, just because you're

too young to get married and you wanna act like you're married.

Um, dating is not something that substitutes for marriage.

Dating is always with marriage in mind.

Now, that doesn't mean that you're going to necessarily get married, right?

Dating doesn't always result in marriage, but dating is always

the pathway for something else.

Dating's not the destination.

That's what we talked about.

Dating is the pathway, not the destination.

So we-- Dating is serving marriage.

We wanna date in a way that makes marriage look really good, and we wanna date in

a way that sets us up to have a good marriage, even if that marriage is not

with the person we're dating, right?

Because we might be dating someone who's…

we're not gonna be married to, and so we wanna date in a way that

makes our future marriage great

And our third point was that, and this is really I think the main takeaway For

our students, I think if you asked them, they would say, "Yeah, dating should

glorify God," and, "Yeah, dating has something to do with marriage at least."

But our third point was that dating is for clarity, not closeness.

And so what that means is that the point of dating is to figure something out.

Dating is to answer a question.

Mm-hmm.

Um, dating is about finding out whether I should marry this person.

The goal of dating is not to get really close with someone and

practice marriage or pretend- Yes

to be married, or to enjoy some of the benefits of marriage while I'm a teenager.

Or get enough experience to then have a better d- dating

relationship down the line.

Yeah.

That's another really good point, too.

We don't wanna date just to learn conflict resolution.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

So the goal of dating is clarity.

We wanna figure out, should I marry this person?

That's the goal of dating.

And that really changes the way you look at dating, and even breaking up, because

breaking up could be a good thing, right?

It…

That's- Absolutely … if you get the clarity that, "Oh, I shouldn't marry

this person," then you succeeded, which, uh, I didn't say that in the sermon.

I wish I did.

I think that was communicated, though, when you said it's about whether it's not

about whether you want to get married.

It's, it's whether you should.

Yeah.

So our small group questions, um, so if, in case you're unaware, our

small group questions, they're on the back of our True North worksheets

that students get each week.

Sometimes they take their notes on their own.

Um, if you want, you can still ask your student to bring home a worksheet

so you can see the questions.

Or, um, I'd be happy to share the questions with you as well.

But we've got junior high questions and high school questions.

This week they overlap a decent amount, so, um, we'll talk through those.

M- The beginning of the discussion was mostly just gathering students'

backgrounds with dating, you know, what, had they ever thought about

dating before, was dating new for them.

And even in the high school groups we have some wide ranges, and then-

Yeah … even in junior high as well.

Mm-hmm.

So that was the first junior high question.

And then, um, the first high school question was- About the biggest

influences on your thoughts about dating.

And so what we really are thinking, right, i- and one of the reasons we wanna do

this series is that someone is teaching your students about dating, whether it's

you, whether it's their friends, whether it's Instagram, whether it's- Mm-hmm

YouTube, whether it's TV, someone is teaching your students what

dating is supposed to be, and we wanna make sure that we're doing it.

Absolutely, yeah.

We wanna make sure that we're giving them that picture.

So what did some of your girls say in this first question, and, and

how would you as a parent maybe approach f- asking your students

about their thoughts about dating?

When it came to my conversation with, uh, my girls, when they were prompted

with what is the biggest influence, I, I first thought that maybe social

media would actually be the primary factor, and that was not their answer.

Their answer was their parents.

And I was actually really encouraged by that because then I asked them to

elaborate on what that looks like, and my girls walked through the dynamic of

their parents' marriage and things that they would want to emulate versus things

that they maybe had seen of how parents had handled arguments or discussions

or how they were pursuing each other.

And it, it was just a good reminder for me to make sure that our parents see

that their children are watching them.

And whether it's an intentional conversation at the dinner table or it's

just them living life together in the same home, our, our students are watching you.

And our students are processing the way that you are speaking, uh, with your

spouse and the way that you are handling, um, even small decisions that need to

be made for your, your home and your family and, and, uh, the way that you

are loving each other and the way that you are again, investing in each other

for, for the glory of God and for the good of each other's spiritual health.

So I just think that was a big point for our high school girls, that

they, they were, They're watching and they're, they're listening and

I, I can definitely assume the same of the rest of our students as well.

Yeah, that's so good.

And I think as you as a parent, even if you're not talking to your

students about dating and about marriage, you're showing them, right?

You're, you're showing them what marriage looks like every day.

You're showing them what a husband is supposed to be like.

Mm-hmm.

You're showing them what a wife is supposed to be like and how you r-

forgive each other and how you resolve conflict and how you make decisions

and, and how you keep promises.

You're, you're showing them that.

And, and you're showing them what to look for.

Uh, especially, I know for me, I didn't grow up with sisters, right?

So my only- … experience with a woman was…

I didn't have friends who were girls.

My- Right … I, I didn't talk to girls very much.

So the only woman I really talked to and, and knew very well was my mom.

Yeah, there's a lot of Disney movies that Lewis doesn't know about.

Yeah, I- All the Disney princesses.

I did not w- there's no princess in Li- well, I guess you, if you wanna

call whatever her name is a princess.

The lady lion.

What's her name?

From The Lion King?

Yeah.

There- Nala?

Nala.

Yes.

Sh- I don't know if she's a princess, but, I didn't watch The Lion King-

Close enough … until high school, for those of you who care about that.

Whoa, I didn't know that.

There you go.

Anyway.

Yeah, so whether you want to or not, right, you are teaching Your students

about dating and about marriage.

And- Yeah … it's better if you do it on purpose than on accident, right?

So- Mm-hmm … um, even just maybe you've never talked to your students about

dating before or what it looks like.

Uh, maybe you're a parent of a junior higher.

You still want to at least approach that subject, right?

Something that I heard, this was actually about a different topic,

this was about talking to your kids about where babies come from.

Um- … but what someone said I thought was really good advice, he said, um, "It's

better to have 60 one-minute conversations with your student about where babies

come from- Mm … than to have one 60-minute conversation with your student."

Yeah, that's a great point.

And I, I just thought that was so good.

And he said something funny too.

He said "You don't wanna have a 60-minute conversation with your

students about where babies- … come from, and they don't want you to

have that conversation either."

Right?

'Cause I think especially with that, there's this myth

about, like, the talk, right?

And I think with dating, sometimes we can do that of like, oh, the talk

has to happen once they're- Right

somewhat aware about dating.

And I think in this instance, it's better to, to give them small

conversations just about, "Oh, what do you think about dating?"

Or, um, are, do any of your friends at school date?

Or even if you're, you're watching a show and there are people dating,

or maybe you hear about, oh, some of the high schoolers are dating.

They're being exposed to, and it's better to, to get on that train early

rather than to be too late to it.

So for this first question just get to know what your students think

about dating, and ask them about it.

And don't, you know, you don't have to come in and interrogate them.

No.

Yeah, I, I, I would agree with that.

And, and I actually asked my girls, I said, "Hey, what,

let's go around the circle.

Where is your understanding of your parents' expectations?"

'Cause again, like, like Lewis said at the beginning is, we wanna partner

with you parents and make sure that we are aligning with you and your

desires for your, your children, and the, the rules you've set in place and

the expectations you've set in place.

So having the, the girls even go around and just tell me, "Hey, here's what my mom

and dad have agreed is best for our family and how we're gonna operate," and they

were all able to give me a clear answer of what you as parents had expected of them.

And I thought that that's something that Lewis and I and, and the rest

of our leaders wanna make sure that we're checking in on as well.

Yeah.

We as True North leaders are pro-parent.

Definitely.

We love parents, and we support parents.

And so, whatever your dating convictions are- Mm-hmm … as long as they're

not sinful, we support those, right?

Absolutely.

As long as you're not asking your student to sin, we're gonna back you up on that.

Mm-hmm.

And so one of the main rules in dating is listen to your parents, right?

Yes.

And so it'd even be good if you made sure your students knew, okay,

w- you know, what do I, what do my parents think about me dating?

Do they want me to date?

Am I not allowed to date?

Are there certain parameters for dating?

That would be so good for you even to ask your student, "Hey, what do

you think I think about dating?"

So well done, high school girls' parents.

You, your s- your girls all know- … uh, what you expect of them, which is great.

You've given them clarity, which is awesome, right?

Mm-hmm.

You, as a student, you don't wanna be guessing about what your parents want.

You don't wanna be…

And also as a student, it's not, I mean, you can, you don't wanna

be the student who's like, "Hey, am I allowed to date," right?

Right.

You, you don't wanna be that student that comes to your

parents and asks that question.

Mm-hmm.

Um, it's better if parents, you can say that.

So, that was kind of the first couple questions in small groups.

Junior high question three, high school question two, was just simple

question, but I hope was provoking.

So I just put in quotes, "Dating is marriage practice for teenagers.

Agree or disagree?"

What did your girls say to this one, Shane?

They all unanimously said disagree.

A very confident disagree, which- Okay.

Did they say why?

They did.

And the main thing that we tried to focus on was, It's so easy for the

culture in, in high school, I think particularly but you start to see it

a little bit in middle school is it's, it's cool to, to be in a relationship.

It's, it's a, a status change.

It's a, a social factor.

And so it becomes either something that everyone should be trying to be involved

in, or, "Oh, I just gotta get, you know, some, some years under my belt with a

few people so I know what I'm doing," or, And it, it can als- almost be

used as an excuse of, "Well, I'm just, this is good for me for my future."

And, and that's not, that's not true.

You're, you're putting someone else's potential future spouse

at, at risk in a lot of different ways and as well as yourself.

And so it w- yes, it was a unanimous, uh, no, it's, it is not, dating

is not just to practice for, for marriage, especially as, as teenagers.

Yeah.

That was a…

Hopefully, one of the major takeaways from the sermon was that dating is

not marriage for teenagers, right?

Dating is not just something teenagers do just for fun or just, like you

said, Shay, to enjoy it or to Have this cool experience- Mm-hmm … or

to get as close as they can to marriage without being married.

Mm-hmm.

And I think that's really what our culture does a lot of the time,

is, um, it's really often selfish.

I know one of the students in the group I was in, that's what he said.

He said, "A lot of students date selfishly."

Mm-hmm.

They're, they're dating because they want people to do something for them.

They want to get security or fun or pleasure or status from- Yeah

being in these relationships.

And you mentioned that, seeing how f- how close they can get to that

line before, crossing it and, you know, how much of marriage can I

get before I'm actually married?

I think that was a really important point that you made because I see, we

see that so often in our young people.

Uh, it's what am I allowed to do?

What am I, what am, what can I get away with?

Or what is just enough before it's, you know, crossing the line?

It's like, oh man, why are we, why are we even asking that question?

Why are we trying to test, test the waters?

And so I think sermons like these are, are really important to address

this, that foundational piece before we even get into the, the, the

practical advice of should I kiss yet?

Should I, the, should I hold hands?

You know, all, all the- Yeah … the fun specifics.

The answer's no.

No, I'm just kidding.

Um- All the, the rabbit trails, which are good.

Yeah, those are important conversations to have.

But that is to come.

And that kinda leads us to our last, this is the final high school question.

So what we wanted to focus on with this last question was how would dating

for clarity instead of closeness, so instead of treating dating like- Mm-hmm

the teenage version of marriage- Yeah … how would that change how you date?

And so I listed six questions underneath that.

And these would be great for you, especially if your student is

considering dating or is allowed to date.

These would be great for you to talk over with them before they start dating.

Or if you've got a student who's maybe younger, these would be great to kind

of sprinkle in maybe throughout this series, um, just to kind of build…

Or maybe you've never even considered your student dating before.

Maybe you're a parent and you've got a junior higher or a high schooler, and

you've never even thought about what do I tell my student about dating.

These would be really good for you to answer as a parent so you know what

do I expect from my student, what do I want their dating life to look like.

Absolutely.

And so hopefully I'm gonna figure out how to post this worksheet, um- … in

the show notes of this podcast.

So you can see these questions there.

What we would love for you parents to do with these questions is to think

them through for yourself for what it's gonna look like for your students, and

then talk about them with your student.

Gi- you wanna give your student a, a, essentially, you wanna

teach your student how to date.

Yeah … and again, that's, we wanna do that, but that primarily

is supposed to come from you, right?

You're the parent.

Um, you're the authority.

You're with them all the time, and so that's even better when it comes from you.

We wanna help with that.

We're gonna do that.

We got our leaders that would love to talk about this with your student, that

are talking about this with your student.

But you, as a parent, it'd be so great if you could give your students

a picture of what their dating should look like, and if you could

be involved in that whole process.

And that's something we're gonna emphasize.

That's that last question among these six, is how would other

people be involved in your dating?

Um, and that's gonna be something we're gonna emphasize for the

rest of this series is t- that you need to date, um, in public.

You- Yes, yeah … in the sense of not necessarily like, oh,

you always need to hang out-

in a group.

But other people need to see your relationship.

They need to- Yes … know you.

Mm-hmm … and- Yeah, that's not just you as parents.

It's, it's their friends, and, and mentors, and trusted

people in their lives.

And when our students isolate their relationships, it can become really

dangerous whether it comes to sin problems or just there's a lack

of direction in, in why they're dating and how they're doing it.

And so having people involved to be that, uh, source of encouragement but also

accountability is, is vital for sure.

And I think another question that I appreciated that you included was the

first one, which was what kinds of things would you talk about to, um,

date for clarity versus closeness?

And the first thing that, at least I even k- uh, covered it with our middle

school girls as well later on once small groups were done, was they all

said their theological background.

And I thought that was cool that that was the first answer that they said.

These are middle school girls, by the way.

These are middle school girls that are sa- I mean, yeah.

It was, but it was encouraging.

And then we kind of went into the details on that.

But I think that that, for that to be top of mind was encouraging as a leader.

Yeah, that's great.

Well, hopefully this episode was helpful for you.

If it's not or if it is, let us know.

We'd love your feedback.

W- This is our first time doing something like this, so, we're

praying this is helpful for you.

We're praying this series is helpful for you, and we're praying for your students.

We want them to, um, date for God's glory.

We want them to, trust the Lord with what they're doing and to do it for Him.

And we want them to date for clarity

so, we're praying for you parents, and I'm gonna do that right now.

Heavenly Father, we are so thankful for Your wisdom.

We need Your wisdom as leaders, as parents, as friends.

We, we are desperately in need of You, and we're grateful that You made us.

You know how we work.

You care about us, and so we can turn to You for all of our needs.

And so I pray for all of th- these parents of students.

Um, like James 1 says, it says we should ask for wisdom

and that You give generously.

And so we pray, God, that You give a lot of wisdom to our students

and their parents, and that You help them to talk about this well

with their students, talk about it tactfully, lovingly, compassionately.

Um, and that you help our parents to pass on a great picture of what dating

should look like and what marriage should look like to these students.

We pray this in Jesus' name.

Amen.

Amen.

Well, hopefully we will have another one of these episodes for you after-

It's a start … next week's sermon.

I enjoyed this.

I, I always love talking with, with my love.

Oh.

But, um, it's fun to do it in front of a mic, too.

So, we'll hopefully catch you next time, um, after next week's sermon.

So until then, so long.

Bye, everybody