Family Matters | Marriage | Neil & Sonya Chitty

Good morning.

Good morning.

Can you all hear me?

Great.

Okay.

Bye, youth.

Have a great time.

So, as you heard, we're here and talking about marriage today.

And I just want to start with a disclaimer because Neil and I are not standing here at the front saying we have got it all sussed in our marriage, as we don't.

We, like others here, are a work in progress, but we are really, really passionate about marriage and family, and we are committed to working on ours to make it the best it can be.

And like Sarah said, we are also really aware that speaking on the subject of marriage can bring up pain for some here.

And it might be difficult for those of you here that are longing to be married but for whom this hasn't happened yet.

Or for those that were married but who are now separated, divorced, or widowed.

And it might also be difficult for those of you here that are in marriages but who are actually struggling in those marriages for different reasons.

And we recognize all of this and we are really aware that this is a sensitive topic.

So first of all, I want to say well done for those of you that are here that knew what we were speaking on this morning, because that takes courage.

So well done.

But we really feel it is important we teach on this subject, and we are aiming to cover different areas of family life through the series, including singleness.

So we would encourage all of you, like Sarah said, whatever season you're in, to just try and connect, to engage, and to take something home from each week that you can either put into practice or pray for and support those around you who are in these seasons.

So today is just a really whistle stop tour.

There is so much to cover in this subject.

So please bear with us because we don't want to do the topic a disservice.

But we want to start by declaring God loves marriage.

Marriage is really, really good.

That's not a popular thing to say nowadays, but it is.

It was his idea, and it is a good one.

He is for it.

It's a wonderful thing.

And you know what is marriage?

And in Genesis 2, we have the account of God creating man, and from verse 18 we read this.

The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone.

I will make a helper suitable for him.

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky.

He brought them to the man to see what he would name them.

And whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.

So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky, and all the wild animals.

But for Adam, no suitable helper was found.

We're quite glad about that, aren't we?

Can you just imagine?

You know, no suitable helper was found from the animals.

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep.

And while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.

Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man and he brought her to the man.

And the man said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

She shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

So, firstly, we want to establish and stand on the truth that biblical marriage is between one man and one woman.

And that the two become one physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

That is what God says.

That is truth.

It is the only covenant relationship between human beings, and that means it is a lifelong promise.

The promise we make that we will stay married for as long as we both should love.

And that's not always easy.

Marriage was also created as a framework that children are born into.

And God's heart is to have many people on earth who would reflect his image and glory.

He commanded us to go and be fruitful and fill the earth.

Now, what I've described is God's blueprint for marriage.

Okay, this is how he meant things to be.

However, we know we live in a fallen world where life isn't idyllic and things can and do go wrong.

And we know that this can bring huge pain.

But there is grace, there is forgiveness, and there is healing from Christ for those who want it.

And that might mean that there needs to be repentance and changes to the way we are living, but there is help and support here.

And part of the that beautiful song we sang at the end, there is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain.

And it might be that you're here today and you're believing lies that you're carrying about yourself.

It might be that you actually have never forgiven yourself and that God wants to do that this morning to bring freedom.

For those here that are married, what I would say is what is your vision for your marriage, either now or in the future, or for the ones around you?

Do you even have one?

Or are you just poodling along with no desire for change?

The good news is that wherever your marriage is today, there is always hope for change and always room for improvement.

So we want to start by looking at the foundations of a godly marriage, what goes in at the roots.

And um, again, this isn't for people who've just got married.

I think there's still time for people who've been married for years to put these in.

And firstly, we want to look at Colossians 1, verse 17, and it says, He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Colossians 1:17

Okay, and this was our verse right from the start of our marriage.

And um, it was just so powerful because there'll be times, believe it or not, where life has been tough in married life.

It's been very difficult, not just through conflict between Sonia and myself, but through circumstances that have bombarded us.

We've clung to the promise that actually God is before us and in Him our marriage holds together.

Okay, and we've had that at the beginning.

And biblical marriage and God's blueprint for us as Christ followers is that both partners are rooted in God individually and also together.

And don't just think because one of you is rooted in Christ, that the other will automatically do the same.

Salvation isn't buy one, get one free.

Okay.

We we are all responsible for our own lives, and so I'd encourage you, husbands and wives, run after Christ with your whole heart.

Seek his kingdom first above all else.

And if you choose to marry, seek to marry someone who is also running after Jesus.

This is the best safeguard for your marriage, but we need to know that we can't grow complacent.

Okay, it's an ongoing thing, and each partner is responsible for the continuing individual walks with God as they grow together.

We each get to make daily life or death choices over our marriages to be faithful or to cheat, to lie or to be so don't take for granted that how you started out together is how you will finish together.

Keep working at your marriages and don't grow complacent.

However, we are aware that you may be married to someone who isn't following Jesus and we understand that you're in a different context, but we stand alongside you and we are hoping and praying that your partner also discovers the love of Jesus for themselves.

However, whilst you are waiting for this to happen, you can still put some of these principles into practice.

And so we want to talk about some key things that are vital to build the foundations of a strong and healthy marriage.

And firstly, prayer and God's word.

So you need to do that separately and also together.

And these two components are vital if you want a strong marriage.

I know that if I'm not close to Jesus, then I'm left vulnerable, and so is my marriage.

It affects the way I relate to Sonia, it makes me more open to various temptations, and I could just become dull, selfish, and disconnected.

Yeah.

Sonia's gonna agree with that.

Yeah.

And and if you She's gonna say, not at all, Neil, not at all.

We are very good.

Let's pray with each other when we think the other person needs to go and have time with Jesus.

If you are single here today, but one day you're looking to get married, then I would really encourage you to make sure that you get good marriage prep once you're engaged.

And this basically involves getting together as an engaged couple with another couple who can take you through some key aspects of married life, prepare you for marriage, and also check that you're suited for each other.

And the kind of things they might cover include expectations, communication, finance, sex, and handling in-laws.

Okay, and these will be precious times where issues and differences can be raised and discussed prior to making that marriage covenant in a safe and supportive environment.

And it genuinely is better to discover that you and your fiance have widely differing views regarding where you want to live in the future or whether or not you want to have children.

It's better to work that out prior to making a lifelong commitment to them.

I'd encourage you to declare to each other and decide in your hearts before the wedding day that divorce isn't an option.

I love how Dami and Tozin, they're nervous now.

Look, I love how they call each other choice.

I don't know if you've ever heard them speaking to each other, but they often just call each other choice.

And I love that.

It's about choosing each other, choosing to love.

Love is a choice, it is not just a feeling.

And when the honeymoon period is over, and you wake up to someone with bed hair and smelly breath, and the towels are on the floor again.

Love is a choice.

Marriage is also going on a mission together, it's an adventure, it's fun.

You don't need to take a sabbatical from church or God just because you have got married.

Your spouse is not your God.

Okay?

And I think that's important that we remember that.

And I love that over the years, Neil and I have been serving Jesus side by side.

We have opened our home to neighbors and the street.

We've helped plant a church and led various ministries.

We often speak together at different conferences, and we love leading side by side.

And for you, marriage is a mission.

It might be that that involves opening your home to your neighbours, being hospitable as a couple.

Marriage should be and is a beautiful refuge for the world to come into and receive that sense of safety.

It might be you want to lead a community group.

It might be that part of being on a mission together is parenting together or starting a business together or serving the Lord in your community.

Another really important area is values.

It's really important that you are intentional about setting your values and make sure they are shared ones, i.e., generosity, giving, hospitality, open home, serving in and being committed to church.

And if you have different opinions on a particular value, it's really good to discuss those values and make compromises if you need to.

For example, Sonia and I had different values with regards to education as a result of our experiences.

I came from a background where me and my brother didn't go to university, and um we didn't even have the option of that.

We saw that as for the posh kids, and um, so we didn't go.

Whereas Sonia and her sister, they had the opportunity of going to university, they saw it as an important thing, and um, you know, they were given opportunities, and God opened up doors for them because of that.

Now I felt that I needed to change my outlook on the importance of education because when it came to guiding our children, Isaac and Amira, we both wanted to be on the same page so they heard one narrative.

Okay, I was willing to re-evaluate what I'd believed for us to not give a mixed, mixed message to our children regarding what we felt was in their best interest for their education.

So please hear, um, don't hear what I'm not saying.

So you may have different values and beliefs about education than us.

That's fine.

Neither is wrong or right, but you need to seek God with your children for his plans for their lives in the way that we did.

So we're saying to be on the same page is really, really important because you want to be given the same message.

Discuss your values and then be intentional in setting them together.

It is good to be unified in these areas.

The other big important area is transparency, honesty, and having no secrets.

So tell each other everything so Satan can't have a hold on you and whisper any lives about the other.

And this is vitally important as it increases trust, no matter how hard it is to disclose certain things.

So before we got married, we told each other everything about our past, including the things that we were ashamed of.

And it was really difficult, okay.

But we knew that we needed to do it because we didn't want any surprises in the future, and at the end of it, it was really, really amazing.

Uh, to know that the other person totally accepted you despite what you just heard.

Okay, it's so good.

And this shared value we have of transparency did not end there.

We practice it on a daily basis, we tell each other if we've messed up or if we've been tempted in any area, so we immediately put in place things to safeguard our marriage.

And I tell Sonia if I'm struggling with feelings of pride or comparison, this transparency brings healing and freedom and it builds trust.

And trust in marriage is so important, so you can also cover each other in prayer and keep each other accountable in areas of vulnerability.

The other important thing is to remove the weeds, work on yourself and your own issues, and don't stop throughout your marriage.

Ask your spouse to speak into your life.

Scary.

Deal with it quickly and severely.

Okay, challenge each other if you've noticed that a glass or two of wine has become a daily habit, or else your partner or scroll through their phones to the extent that it's robbing you both of valuable time together.

Challenge behavior that is ungodly.

Don't stay silent because you don't want to rock the boat and cause conflict.

Say something you want your partner to be the best then they can be.

Okay.

So we'd encourage you to invest time in each other and your marriage and don't stop.

So prioritize each other and make that relationship your priority.

It is the only covenant relationship God calls us into.

We don't have a covenant with our parents or our children.

They will likely leave us at some point.

We only have a covenant relationship with our spouses.

And the Times ran an article on empty nesters, and it said this research shows that couples are 40% more likely to divorce after the last child leaves home.

Not because children cause conflict, but because their presence can mask what's missing.

I think that's so important.

And too often I think couples leave it till it's too late to try and get that connection back.

If you become disconnected with your partner because you're so caught up with the children, then it's hard to recover that when the kids have left.

Put dates in the diary, book a weekend break every year, just the two of you.

Snatch moments together, go to bed at the same time.

Make your time count and put this in your diary first.

I really do believe the best thing you can do for your family and children if you have them is to invest in your marriage.

If you think about how much time you spend at work or doing leisure activities or watching TV, now just have a little think in your head about how many hours a week you spend connecting with your spouse.

Not just being in the same room as them, but face-to-face talking, going out together, laughing, crying, sharing hearts.

And I would just say make sure that what you're doing together serves both of you.

Husbands, I'm gonna stereotype here, but husbands may not want weekly catch-up sessions on how they are feeling.

And wives may not want weekly time watching gone fishing or match of the day.

So take turns deciding what you do and decide in consultation with each other.

And date nights are so important, they and they don't need to involve a big expense.

We've done various things over the years.

We've had some of our favorite date nights have been picnics in the lounge on the carpet, cheese and wine in the garden, a simple evening playing card games with snacks, or just snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie.

And we've always tried to get away every year, just the two of us, for a couple of nights.

And these have always been really key times to connect, relax, and pray together, and a chance to hear God together and just kind of hear him for our marriage as well.

We have been on multiple marriage courses and led them.

We have had marriage counselling, we have been away for marriage enrichment weekends where we have assessed where we are and looked at what needs to improve.

If you do CPD for your professional jobs, where you seek to develop in your practice at work, surely we should be investing even more time at seeking to evaluate and improve our marriages and not just take them for granted.

So that's spilled your marriage.

So marriage is two lives becoming one.

So you need to build lives together.

You put selfish thoughts and actions to death, and so often we pastor couples who have continued to live independently.

Within their marriages.

They haven't grasped that marriage is two becoming one.

Not just in flesh, but in everyday decisions.

This means slaying individualism.

Whereas a single person, you had an individual bank account and your own money, as a married couple coming together to share all your means and those individual accounts become one shared account.

There is no more my money and their money.

Now it's not particularly about individual accounts or becoming joint accounts, but it's about changing your mindset and attitude towards money.

Their money and debt becomes yours, as does yours become theirs.

There should be no mine and yours.

That language all changes in marriage to become ours.

We have parted many couples over the years who continue to choose to sleep in separate beds and have separate rooms.

Some have separate TVs and separate lounges.

And our observation is that over time, these small, seemingly innocent decisions in marriage often lead to disconnection, a separation, and a them and I mentality.

And it serves to corrode trust, togetherness, and that beautiful union and joining together of lives that God ordained.

Now, we're not saying that there may be times where one of you is ill and needs to sleep in a separate bed to protect the other, but if individualism breeds in your marriages, where can we see evidence of two lives becoming one?

Now, recently Sonia challenged me that I was spending too much time sitting in the kitchen on my phone while she was in the lounge.

And I realized that I was spending too much time reading the news on different sites, and it was becoming and I realized it was actually becoming a bit of an addiction, and Sonia challenged me.

And what I realized I needed to do is put my phone down, go into the lounge, and just sit with Sonia, even if I don't like what she's watching on TV.

Because about it's about connectivity, it's really important.

And I am very needy.

So I am going to talk about sex, as Miranda Hart would say.

So sex.

Oh my kids are cringing.

Look at them.

They're regretting coming back for this weekend.

Sex, it's okay.

It's okay.

Sex, two lives becoming one, and the inter so important in marriage.

Sex should always be mutually consensual, loving, and not selfish.

It shouldn't be withheld as punishment over a conflict, neither should it ever be demanded as a conjugal right.

It should also be exclusively between a husband and wife.

And we would just say, guard your marriages in this way.

You know, guard your marriages, be intentional.

Pornography and masturbation and fantasizing are not just issues for single men and women.

And if undealt with, these issues can be brought into the marriage bed and they undermine and damage the relationship between husband and wife.

Talk about your sex lives with each other.

Check in with each other to see if your partner wants anything to change.

Don't let it be a taboo in your marriage.

Sex is a gift from God, it was his idea, he designed it for pleasure, so enjoy it within your marriages.

I would just say marriage does not mean that you lose your individual personality or sense of person either.

And equally, we have challenged married couples who seem to have lost their ability to operate as individuals.

Those that can't go anywhere without the other one present, who seem unable to have a different opinion to their spouse and hide behind this fact, using it as an excuse to opt out of things that they don't want to do.

And this also is not healthy.

God calls us to be two healthy individuals that join in marriage to grow in health together.

We're called to honour each other, to always speak well to and about each other.

That doesn't mean to say that you can't be authentic or that arguments are wrong.

They aren't.

But we're told to not tear down and attack the person.

We're called to challenge the behavior that we don't like, but really upset if I come home to a messy kitchen and know that Neil has been at home all day.

See, there's a lot of nodding I can see from the women here.

And what I should say is something like babes, I'm really tired and would have appreciated you washing up and getting the house ready for whatever we have in the evening.

What I shouldn't say is, Neil, you are being so lazy and I am fed up with you.

And of course, these kinds of comments never ever happen in our house.

But also have each other's backs.

Don't let anyone else speak ill of your partner.

Defend them publicly and privately.

I would go to war over this man.

You know, cheap jokes at the expense of our partners to get a quick laugh from our friends is costly and it destroys trust and hurts and injures our partners' hearts.

We're called to prefer one another.

Love is not just expressed in the big moments, it's expressed in the little big things.

Romans 12, verse 10 tells us as Christians to be devoted to one another in love, to honour one another above yourselves.

Romans 12:10

And these these acts are small but powerful and they nourish marriage.

For example, preferring the other in what film to watch, what food to eat, who gets the biggest slice of cake.

I turn back the duvet for Neil every night as it's easier for him to get in.

I buy him the treats that he likes.

He puts the toothpaste on my toothbrush and he makes me coffee even when we've had an argument and I'm being out of order.

He is consistent in the way that he loves me, regardless of how I'm behaving.

His love for me is unconditional.

I love this next bit.

Husbands, you are called to love your wife as Christ loved the church.

And that is a high calling.

And people talk a lot about wives submitting to their husbands, but I think we've got it easier.

If husbands are doing this, Ephesians 5.25 says, husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

For husbands, this means laying your life down unreservedly for your wife.

And what does this look like in practice?

Neil does the jobs I hate, but which he also does not enjoy.

He does the admin and bills and finances.

He opens those letters that come in brown envelopes that I always ignore.

He unblocks the toilet when it is clogged up, and he sorts out my vitamins and tablets every week, amongst other things.

He also and unwavering less security that has been so healing in my life.

And these little big things really are the big things that keep a marriage healthy and flourishing.

Wives, we're told to submit ourselves to our own husbands as you do to the Lord.

But if our husbands are doing that first bit, it is really easy for us to submit to them because this is both a privilege and a blessing.

If Neil is loving me like Jesus loves the church, he will be serving me, protecting me, putting his needs second, and giving up everything for me.

In practice, this looks like the times Neil has cancelled something in our calendar in order to protect me and create space for me just to breathe.

And I submitted, even though it was really hard, as I'm high in responsibility and felt guilty.

Or it looks like the times he's come home from work and he was tired, but seeing that I was also tired, having looked after the kids all day, would run a bath for me and tell me to go and have some time with Jesus, and I would submit.

However, there are also times that it's been not so easy to submit as a wife, and I've struggled.

And we've been married 25 years, and I think we can count on probably one hand the number of times we have disagreed on things because we we make our decisions together, we lead side by side.

But submission and respect are gifts of grace, women, that we give to our husbands.

They don't have to be earned, they are commands from the Lord.

Coming to Harpenden was an act of submission on my part.

I felt called to Luton to the poor and to build multicultural church there.

However, Neil felt God had spoken to him clearly about leading here.

And so despite not hearing from God myself, I submitted and followed, being confident that when we follow God's ways and his order, not ours, that he will and does make our paths straight.

And Neil was right.

We love it here, we love being here with you.

Okay, so how do you safeguard your marriages?

This is another huge area.

And um, basically, we shouldn't be naive.

We have an enemy who is out to steal, kill, and destroy all that God has created and declares as good.

So we need to be intentional in what that looks like.

As we said earlier, be transparent with each other and others in the church about your struggles and temptations.

Be wise.

Sonia and I have always gone to bed at the same time as each other, even when one of us isn't tired already, as it serves to protect.

And we know that we won't be tempted to watch late-night TV on our own because a lot of it is inappropriate.

And so we make sure we have time with each other in bed, talk and pray together, and also to process the day.

And we make sure that we don't build close, intimate relationships with the opposite sex and make sure that we remain each other's best friends and the ones who get the best of us in terms of conversation and information, etc.

Now, we don't regularly spend time alone with the other sex without the other one knowing about it.

So if I'm traveling in a car with someone who's let's call Blinder, I will phone Sonia and say, Is it okay?

I'm just letting you know this is happening, because we don't want someone to say, Oh, Sonia, did you know that it was in a car with Blinda?

Um and she'll say and so I say, Well, yeah, she does actually, because I let her know.

So it's just safeguarding it.

We need to be transparent and open.

Now, another area is communication, and this is an area where I've had a few issues over the past with communication.

So, for instance, Sonia and I talk about lots of things.

Okay, we talk about workhouse stuff, the kids, and everything, but Sonia wants detail.

So if I've been to work or been to a meeting, Sonia says, So, how was your day?

I'll go, Well, it was pretty good.

No, that doesn't cut it, okay.

Sonia wants to know who was there, what they're wearing, what did you eat, what was the nature, how how are the people feeling in the room?

And so I have to make this conscious effort to detail things, and that's taken me a little time, but I'm getting good at it, okay.

The the other thing which I've learned as a husband is that when Sonia is pouring her heart out and she's crying and she's she's a bit upset, and she's just pouring out what's going on, I would sit there and work out how I need to fix the situation.

We're getting verbal now.

So Sonia's chatting away to me, and I'm thinking, okay, I need to fix her.

Okay, so I'm I'm working out a plan.

And then so Sonia finishes her talk, and I then come out of my pearls of wisdom of how you need to resolve the situation and and fix things.

And and she'll say, You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?

And I'm thinking, What just happened?

And instead of solving the problem, I've made it 10 times worse.

Okay, a lot of the times Sonia just wants to pour her heart out, and there's been times when she'll just pour her heart out, and I will listen to her, and then she goes, Right, okay, that's great, that's resolved.

I mean, and I'm just like, guys, we need to learn to listen.

God's God's given us two ears and one mouth.

Okay, work out the maths.

Okay, healthy conflict.

Ephesians 4, verse 32 says, instead be kind to each other, tender hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32

Forgive your spouses and continue to do so.

Don't harbour grudges.

Conflict isn't fun, is it?

None of us like it, but there really is nothing new under the sun.

Most marriages argue over the same things: finance, in-laws, children, sex, communication.

Conflict isn't wrong.

And in fact, we should be free within our marriages to have a voice, to express how we feel and raise differences of opinions.

But be aware of the difference between you.

Are you a hedgehog?

So when there's conflict, you tend to withdraw, get spiky, maybe sulk a bit, avoid conflict.

Or are you a rhino who tends to charge full on and want to deal with the conflict head on?

Neil and I are both very different.

I can imagine those of you that know us will know which is a hedgehog and which is a rhino.

But neither of us likes conflict.

But when we first got married, conflict was really, really tough.

Our different backgrounds didn't help.

My family argued a lot, and I grew up in what was actually quite a hostile environment.

Neil grew up only hearing his parents argue once.

So when we had our first argument, I thought it was really normal.

Neil thought we were getting divorced.

And I also brought into our marriage a huge unresolved anger issue, which I dealt with in our first year together.

But it made for a really, really hard first year.

Conflict is okay, but we need to remember that we need to focus on the issue and look to change that and not attack or destroy our spouse in the process.

Conflict should feel safe and secure and be done without damaging each other.

And if you feel unable to do this within your marriages, then I'd really encourage you to examine the health of your relationship and pull in another trusted couple in the church to help you.

Is there control?

Is there abuse of any kind?

Is there fear?

And if there is no conflict in your marriages, then I'd also be asking you to ask some questions.

And I just felt when we were writing this that I needed to take a few minutes to mention abuse here.

It might be that you experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse or domestic violence as a child, watching your parents argue, or experienced abuse in a past relationship or marriage.

Or it might be that you're in a current marriage where there is physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or some other form of abuse happening.

Statistically and experientially, we know that this will apply to some people here.

First of all, I would say that God loves marriage and is for it.

But I would also say he is a loving God who hates abuse and did not create you as his beloved son or daughter to be abused by anyone, but rather to be cherished and loved.

And if you are in an abusive relationship, and as an aside, I just want to stress the fact that both men and women can be abused, it is not gender-specific, then please do break the silence and come and speak to me or Neil at the end of the service or to another leader here.

And there is no shame, there is no judgment, and we will make sure that help is made available to you in a really safe and supportive way.

You're all still with us, so well done.

Okay.

Okay, we're coming into land now.

Um, the bottom line is that love overrides everything.

And the love that Paul tells husbands to demonstrate is from the Greek word agapeo.

I had to slip in a bit of Greek somewhere in my sermon.

Um, now this is not a love based on feelings and emotions, but an active, self-denying love towards others.

And someone from a Bible institute who was engaged to get married said this: What is agape love?

Agape love is putting others first.

Agape love means that instead of insisting on my own way or making myself feel good, I should instead put my partner's desires before my own.

The bottom line is that unconditional, sacrificial love is the key for making our marriages thrive.

So to summarize this section on building your marriage in practical ways, you need to know that this is not an exhaustive list, okay?

There's so much more we could have said.

We are still learning how to do all these things after 25 years of marriage, and we are regularly adding new tools into our marriage.

I absolutely love being married to Sonia, it was the best decision ever.

And uh and I'm so grateful to God for her.

But it's often been in the challenging times that God's deepened our marriage as we invited him into those situations.

And it may be that you or your partner have had a serious health diagnosis, or you've gone through job loss or bereavement, you may have lost a child, or there may have been infidelity in the marriage.

And it's in those moments the backdoor seems to be very tempting so that you can escape your marriage.

But we made a promise for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health, until death do us part.

So just to conclude, marriage is God's glorious idea, and as a church, we will continue to uphold and champion marriage as a covenant promise between a man and a woman to love each other till the end.

However, we are aware that we live in a fallen world and marriage does not always work out how we hoped or prayed it would.

Our partners may break their promises to us, they may cheat on us, stop coming to church, or following Jesus.

They may look at porn, abuse us, or just stop loving us as their partners.

You might be in a marriage here today where one of you isn't following Jesus and you've been sitting here thinking, it's okay for them, but how do I put any of this into practice when my partner doesn't want to?

And we recognize that it is difficult and it isn't always and often isn't an easy fix.

But we take situations on a case-by-case basis, and we would be really happy to meet with you to discuss your unique situation if you feel that would serve you at all.

But what we do believe in is a God that is with us through every trial and who can speak into situations to bring change.

And if you're married to someone not following Jesus, Please know that your prayers are powerful and effective.

You can be Christ-like and love them in the way the Bible tells you to.

Love really does transform people.

And I really feel God would say, if you no longer feel in love with your partner, start acting like you are in love.

I know that sounds crazy, but it I've we've seen this work so many times, haven't we?

Where couples have come to us and said, I just we just don't feel in love.

And we've given them like little homework and said, just start acting like you're in love.

Restart the romance.

Start holding hands even when you don't feel like it.

Start sitting next to them on the sofa, even though you've been used to sitting in two separate chairs.

Start eating together.

Start touching.

This really can restore love between you.

Equally, where there are scars and damage from separation or divorce, God can and does bring healing, restoration, and hope.

When we've hit a difficult patch in our marriage that we can't seem to get through on our own, we have never hesitated to pull in outside help.

We seek the help of trusted couples in the church or elsewhere.

And we'd encourage you to do the same.

We've also sought help to deal with our own individual issues through counselling and through prayer ministry.

And this is key because two broken people coming together do not make a healthy whole person.

Yeah.

I think as well that you can think you're the only ones who are going through it.

Yeah.

And and you isolate yourself because of shame.

And I I've been times when I pulled out my heart to a friend of mine, and they say, Oh, I'm glad it's not just you.

Because the reality is, you know, we all go through the stuff and we need to support each other.

Yeah, there is no shame and there is no judgment.

So we would encourage anyone struggling to get support and break through any misplaced shame or guilt.

Okay, this is a safe place to seek help from us as leaders and the lighthouse ministry or from others outside the church.

But just in closing, what I want us to do is just spend the next two minutes in silence listening to the Holy Spirit.

And I want to speak to the marrieds and the singles.

Firstly, if you are married, I want to ask, I want you to ask Holy Spirit what one thing he wants you to take away from this morning that he wants you to start putting into practice.

And also ask if there's anything he wants you to stop doing.

And at the end of the service, we'd love you to be able to share that with your partner.

What has God said to you?

If you aren't married this morning, what I'd love to ask you to do is to ask Holy Spirit to lay on your hearts one couple in or outside of the church whose marriage he wants you to pray for.

And again, we'd love you to share that with someone close so that you can just have some accountability.

Whether you're married or single, bottom line is it's not a permanent status.

And we would urge you to keep running the race and seek his kingdom first.

Jesus is our first love, and our relationship with him is what everything else is founded on.

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

So let's just spend the next two minutes.

Let's just have some silence and just ask Holy Spirit to highlight one thing.

Okay, we're gonna draw things to a close now.

But Neil and I will be at the front um after the service.

If anyone wants to talk to us, if this has brought up anything painful in you, we recognise that we'd love to pray with you.

We've asked a few other couples um to be here just to offer support.

But yeah, do you want to just pray?