Rick Warren - Making the Hard Changes in Me

Happy Mother's Day, everybody. Together we're gonna continue today on

our series on resetting my life with part three. Now,

since it's Mother's Day, I wanna give a shout out

to all you moms at every campus of Saddleback Church.

So today we honor all you moms at each of

our campuses. We love you moms at Saddleback Anaheim, in Saddleback, Berlin.

We love you moms in Brea, and Buenos Aires, we

love you moms in Eastvale, and Española, and Hong Kong,

and Newport Mesa, and Irvine North, and Irvine South, and

Laguna Woods. We love you moms in Lake Forest, in

Los Angeles, and online, in Rancho Capistrano. We love you

moms at San Clemente, San Diego, Santa Rosa Philippines, and

South Bay. And we celebrate all our moms at all

our campuses today and we're celebrating all that you do

in our lives. Thank you, moms. Now, if you pull

out your message notes in this series, Resetting My Life,

we're looking at the biblical principles for personal change. And

these are the principles that you need to know to

change any area of your life for the better. You

may need to change your connection to God, you may

need to change your health, you may need to change

your body, your relationships, your habits, You may wanna change

your energy level. You might wanna change your job, your career,

your work. You might wanna change a reset in your marriage.

You might wanna reset in your priorities, in your parenting,

or change transformation in your schedule, or your self-confidence, or

just on and on. You're resetting your finances. Regardless of

where you would like to see a major change in

your life, today I want us to look at making

the hard changes in me. making the hard changes in me.

What I'm talking about this weekend are the areas of

your life and your personality that seem to resist all

efforts to change. You know what I'm talking about. The

stuff in you you don't like about you, but it's stubborn.

They're persistent problems in your life. You haven't had these

for a few weeks. You've had them for years. And

the parts of your life that you really don't like

about you, but they rebel and they resist at any

time you try to change them, correct them, reset them

in your life. Now on this Mother's Day, I want

us to consider two very important questions. First, why is

it so hard to change some stubborn areas in my

life that I don't like about me? Habits, patterns, ways

of relating to people, habitual weaknesses in my life. Why

is it so difficult to change those problem spots? And

number two, what does God say it takes to change them?

So we're gonna look at why it's difficult to change

some defects in our lives, and we all have them,

and then we're gonna look at how. First, let me

give you four reasons why it's difficult to change some

of those stubborn patterns, habits, and defects in your life

that you don't like. Number one, because I've had them

so long. I've had them for a long time. You see,

you didn't get the way you are overnight. It took

years to get messed up in many areas. And many

of your patterns actually were established way, way back in childhood.

And those patterns helped you cope with trauma and stress

in your early years when you didn't know how to

fight back. Some of your self-defeating patterns were actually survival

tactics as a little kid. Now, today you may realize

those don't work. They were self-defeating, they only make the

problem worse, those habits and patterns, but you still have

them in your life, why? Because they're familiar. They're like

old friends. You know that they're not good for you,

you know they don't work, you know those habits and

patterns cause problems and conflict, but you're used to them. Okay,

you're used to them. Some things are hard to change

because I've had those problems for a long time. Second reason.

Some things are hard to change in my life because

I identify with them. Write that down. I identify with them.

And the fact is, we often confuse our identity with

our defects all the time. We'll say like, I am

a workaholic. Or I am passive. Or I am aggressive.

Or I'm timid. or I'm an overeater or I'm lazy

or I'm whatever. Complete this sentence 10 times. It's just

like me to be. Finish that sentence 10 times and

I'll tell you what you think of yourself, what your

identity is. It's just like me to be this or that.

But those things, those defects, they are not your true identity.

They're not your true identity. They are hiding your true identity. Now,

when you see yourself in certain ways, what happens is

you set up a self-fulfilling prophecy. You say, I'm always

nervous on planes. Well, guess what's gonna happen? You're gonna

be nervous on planes. And unconsciously, sometimes we fear, if

I change, will I still be me? Because I've been

this old me for so long, will I still be

me or will I be something different? So some things

are hard to change because we've had them a long time,

they're old habits. Some things are hard to change because

we identify with them even when we know they're self-defeating.

Number three, sometimes things are hard to change because they

have a payoff. They have a payoff. Now, anytime you

do something over and over and over and over in

your life, whether it's good or bad, helpful or unhelpful,

healthy or unhealthy, there's a payoff behind it some way.

An emotional payoff, a relational payoff, You get rewarded for

that defect. You get rewarded for that bad habit in

some way. And listen, whatever gets rewarded gets repeated. That's

true in parenting. It's true in the workspace. It's true

in a marriage. Whatever gets rewarded gets repeated. Listen, we

don't continue to do things that aren't rewarded. So even

if I'm doing something unhealthy, unhelpful, or even self-destructive, there's

some kind of payoff in some way, and I better

figure out what it is, because until I know what

the payoff is, I don't know how to fight that

negative behavior. Anytime any negative behavior is being repeated by yourself,

or by your spouse, or by your boyfriend or girlfriend,

by your parents, or by kids, or by somebody at work,

There's always a payoff even if it's only temporary. Now

I can give you a thousand examples. It's Mother's Day. Sometimes,

now I know none of the mothers here at Saddleback

do this, but sometimes mom learns to yell to the

kids to get them to come to a meal. Get

down here kids, it's time to eat. It's time to eat,

they don't come. Kids, it's time to eat. Get down here,

it's time to eat. And you know what? Then the

kids show up. Guess what? They have just rewarded the yelling.

And subconsciously, mom is learning yelling works. Nothing else did.

When I said it politely, they didn't come to dinner.

So guess what? It becomes a habit. Get down here.

It's time to eat.

You see, maybe my defect, maybe my habit, maybe my pattern,

that stubborn part of me is masking my real pain.

We'll look at that in future weeks. Maybe it's giving

me an excuse to fail. Maybe, there are lots of

reasons you can repeat negative, self-defeating behavior. Maybe I'm compensating

for some unresolved guilt. So I'm punishing myself by doing

something I know is not good for me. Maybe I'm

compensating for shame or for pain or for fear or

for panic. Maybe I've found it useful to control other people.

There are lots of reasons that we often don't know

why we do what we do. But when you figure

out why you do what you do, then it's gonna

be easier to change. Sometimes we do stuff that's negative

just because it gets us attention. And if I can't

get approval, at least I'll get attention. Kids learn this

one pretty quick in life. If I can't get approval,

I'll get attention. And they dress in stupid ways and

do stupid behavior. And it's all subconscious payoffs for self-defeating behaviors.

So sometimes stuff that I want to change in me

that I know isn't good for me, but I still

keep on doing it. I've done it a long time.

I identify with it. And there's some payoff that's allowing

me to keep on doing what I'm doing. But there's

a fourth reason why some of your stubborn long-term patterns

and ways of relating are resistant to change. Here's the

fourth reason. Because Satan discourages me You're not in this

battle by yourself. He wants to keep you stuck in

a rut. He wants to keep you down. He wants

to keep you from becoming the woman God made you

to be or the man God made you to be.

And one of the things he does is he uses self-doubt, criticism, accusations.

Did you know Satan is accusing you constantly with ideas?

The Bible calls Satan the accuser. In fact, that's what

his name means. Okay, he's the adversary. And he's constantly

suggesting negative thoughts like, you're never gonna change. Are you

kidding me? How many diets have you been on? This

is hopeless. You're never gonna change your marriage. You're never

gonna change your relationship to that child, to that neighbor, whatever.

It's hopeless. It's not gonna work. You may as well

just as soon give up. Where do you think all

that came from? It didn't come from God. It came

from Satan. And sometimes you secretly fear. These are all

reasons why we have a hard time changing the hard

parts in us. Sometimes you fear if I rock the boat,

something bad is gonna happen. My husband or my wife

may leave me. People will walk out of my life.

And maybe at school, nobody will like me anymore. So

these are all things that we have to deal with

that keep us holding on to stuff that isn't helpful

at all in our lives. So, What does it take

to change? Well, I introduced this topic last week when

we talked about how all change starts with choosing what

you're gonna think about. All change starts with choosing and

it starts in your mind. Every change starts between your ears.

Before it changes your emotions, behavior, it starts in your mind.

Now if you missed the first two weeks of this series,

you've missed the foundation. So really go back online, and

watch the first two sessions. But here's what the Bible says.

Notice there on your outline. The Bible says in Ephesians

chapter four, verses 21 to 27, says this. Since you

have heard all about Jesus, and you've learned the truth

that is in him, throw off all your old evil

nature and your former way of life, which is rotten

through and through, and full of lust and deception. Instead,

there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts. We

talked about that a little bit last week. Spiritual renewal

of your thoughts. You must put on your new nature

because you're a new person. This is a resetting of

your life. Created in God's likeness, righteous, holy, and true. So,

put away all falsehood. That's the lies that you tell yourself.

Put away all falsehood and tell your neighbor the truth

because we belong to each other. Don't let the sun

go down while you're still angry, for anger gives a

mighty foothold to the devil. Now, in the rest of

this message, I wanna show you very quickly four biblical

principles that you have to follow if you're going to

be serious about making changes in your life. Any big changes,

or more important, any lasting changes. You can change anything

for a week or a day. but I'm talking about

changing it for the rest of your life, requires four

things for lasting personal change, all right? You might write

these down. This is what God's word says. First, change

requires learning and facing the truth. Learning and facing the truth.

Change always starts with truth. You can't have positive change

on negative ideas and on lies and mistruths. Change always

starts with the truth. But there are two important parts

of it. Learning the truth and then facing the truth.

They're two different things. Now let me show you a

bunch of verses. Here's one. Proverbs chapter 23, verse 23.

Proverbs 23:23

Learn the truth and never reject it. That's the two things.

You gotta learn it and you gotta face it. What's

the opposite of rejecting? Facing. It's accepting. It's admitting. It's acknowledging.

You learn the truth, but then you also accept the truth.

You act on the truth. You acknowledge the truth. A

lot of times we know the truth, we don't know

anything about it. A lot of times we know the

truth and we reject it. The secret to personal change, listen,

is not willpower. Willpower works for a while, but it

wouldn't work for the rest of your life. It's not

about pills that you take to change. It's not about resolutions.

It's not about a gimmick. It's knowing and facing the

truth about you, about God, about life, about problems, about

your family, about your past, about growing up. Jesus said,

when you know the truth, you know this, the truth

will set you free. So here's the first problem. Because

if the first step to permanent lasting change is to

learn the truth about me and then accept and acknowledge

and face the fact about me is this. We often

don't want to do that. We don't want to learn

and face the truth. Why? Because the truth is often uncomfortable.

Some smart aleck said the truth will set you free,

but first it makes you miserable. It's true. It's true.

It's often painful to face the truth about me. And

we would rather stay deluded. We'd rather stay in our

little happy but mythical, it's a fairy tale land, that

everything is copacetic, everything's great in my life. You know

it's not great in your life. But we live in denial.

And we're not facing the truth. Isaiah chapter 30 says this,

Isaiah 30 · chapter mention

verse 10. People say, this is thousands of years ago

they were doing this. They're living in denial. People say

to God's messenger, Now, who's the messenger? A teacher, a preacher,

a prophet, whatever. People say to God's messenger, don't tell

us the truth. Just say things that will make us

feel good and things we want to hear. This is

tickling the ears. Let us keep our illusions. Now, I

could really go to town on this verse, but I'll

tell you this. If you only watch one channel of news,

you're saying, tell me what I wanna hear. You're not

necessarily hearing the whole truth. You're hearing the truth you

want to hear. And let us keep our illusions because

you're afraid to hear an opposing view. You don't want

to hear views. Now, since this is Mother's Day, and

this verse says, people say to God's messenger, don't tell

us the truth, just tell us what makes you feel good.

Since this is Mother's Day, let me say to all

you kids, pause, your mom is often God's messenger to you.

And you need to listen to her. And even when

she says something that you don't particularly wanna hear, it's

not particularly pleasant, tell me something I wanna hear, Mom.

Not what I don't wanna hear. When you don't particularly

wanna hear, it's still the truth whether you wanna hear

it or not. So you need to listen to your

moms and your dads, by the way, because they are

often God's messenger to you. But I know all the

parents sitting back go, you tell them Rick, get them,

tell them right now. Just as quickly I need to

say to you moms and you dads, sometimes your child

is God's messenger to you out of the mouth of babes.

And sometimes God wants to say something to you through

that little voice or even that teenage voice. Sometimes God

wants to speak It works both ways, guys. It works

both ways. God can use anybody in your life to

be a messenger. They may not even be a Christian.

They may not even know God. God can still suggest

words in their mouth and they're the right thing. Now

anytime we don't wanna hear something, well, it's human nature

to just come up with some kind of mental barrier

or excuse to procrastinate because even when we learn the truth,

doesn't mean we're gonna face it. And so we come

up with excuses or questions to procrastinate. This is very common.

John chapter three, verse 11. I love this in the

message paraphrase. Jesus says this. I'm telling you the truth,

yet instead of facing the evidence and accepting it, you

procrastinate with questions. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Have you ever used this tactic?

Oh yeah. Every husband's used it. Every wife has used it.

Every kid has used it. Every parent's used it. I'm

sure you have. We all have. We use questions to

divert facing the truth. Somebody says something that's painfully true

and we think up a question to deflect, divert the attention. Okay,

so he said, don't do that. God says, don't do that.

don't procrastinate with questions. Jesus points this out. Now he says,

you need to listen to the truth. So then the

question becomes, what is the truth? What is the truth

about you? And what's the truth about me? All right,

here it is. Big surprise. We're all broken. We're all imperfect.

We all have defects. We all have flaws. We all

make mistakes. We all sin. We all are imperfect. The

Bible says there's not a just man on the earth

who always does the good thing and never does what's wrong.

We all have this in our lives, and we see

it in ourselves. No, we see it in other people.

We wanna deny it in ourselves. Now, the Bible says

this in 1 John 1, verse eight. When we claim

we haven't sinned, okay, moi? When we claim we haven't sinned,

we're only fooling ourselves and refusing to circle this, accept

the truth. This is the first part of change. I

have to admit, I got a problem and the problem

is me. It's in me, I can't blame anybody else.

This is a bad pattern, it's a bad habit, it's

a bad attitude, it's a bad response. And we're fooling

ourselves refusing to accept the truth. Now, if you don't

get anything else I say this weekend, get this, in

your life, Behind every self-defeating defect, makes it difficult for

you to get along with others or whatever it is,

behind every self-defeating defect in your life is a lie

you're believing. Write this down. Behind every self-defeating defect is

a lie I'm believing. That's why it's self-defeating is because

it's based on a lie. I'm believing... A lie about

happiness and what brings happiness. I'm believing a lie about

God and what he's really like. I'm believing a lie

about myself. I'm believing a lie about my past. I'm

believing a lie about other people, about my life. I'm

believing a lie about what is real success. I'm believing

a lie about what's going on in my life right now,

what's gonna go on in my life in the future,

my past, my failures. I'm believing a lie about that.

This is why the first requirement for personal change to

reset your life is to learn the truth and face

the truth about myself. Now, you may not realize it,

but learning to face the truth about yourself is the

most loving thing you can do for yourself. It's not

only the most loving thing you can do for yourself,

it's the most loving thing you can do for others.

Learning to face the truth about yourself is the most

loving thing you can do for God. You say, where

do you get that? Ephesians 4, 15. The Bible says this.

Love should always make us tell the truth. Then, if

our truth telling to ourselves, to others, is based on love,

he says, We will grow. Circle that. We will grow.

You wanna grow? You wanna change? You want a new life?

You wanna reset? You wanna be reborn? You want a

fresh start in some area of your life? You're gonna

need fresh starts in lots of areas of your life,

many times in life. Then we will grow in every

way and be more like Christ. When? Well, the first

part of the verse. Love should always make us tell

the truth. It's love. Love. If you love yourself, if

you love God, if you love other people, you need

to face the truth about you. So then the question becomes,

where's the best source for finding truth? Where do I

find the best truth about me? I highly recommend you

consult the owner's manual about you. The only way you

can know, for instance, your purpose in life is either

talk to the creator who made you, he knows your purpose,

or read the owner's manual, it'll tell you your purpose.

The only way you can know how to overcome the

defects that are in you that were created by circumstances,

by genes, by parents, by bad responses, by your choices,

the only way is to find out the truth about

me is in God's word. John 17, 17, Jesus says this.

Sanctify them by the truth. What does sanctify mean? to

grow up, to be made like Christ, to be different,

to get a reset, that you're not the same old,

same old. You're sanctified, you're different. Sanctify them by the truth.

And then the second part says, what's truth? Your word

is truth. This is God's truth. The more you get

in this word, the more you're gonna change. The more

you get in this word, the more you're gonna be transformed.

The more you get in this word, the more you're

gonna be sanctified. You're gonna be made new. You're gonna reset.

areas you want in your life. So when it comes

to personal change, a reset of your life, the Bible

is the manual for resetting your life. And it's gonna

help you in four very practical ways. Look at this

next verse. It explains the four ways the Bible helps

you reset your life when you go, I don't like

the way I'm living right now. It's not working for me.

2 Timothy chapter three, verse 16 and 17 says this.

All scripture, that's the Old Testament, the New Testament, it's

the whole Bible, all scripture is inspired by God and

is useful to teach us what is true, circle the

word true, to make us realize what's wrong in our lives,

it points out what's out of whack, it straightens us out,

it doesn't just point out what's wrong, it shows us

how to get back on the path, and it teaches

us to do what is right, how to stay on

the path. So the Bible does four things. It shows

us the path to walk on, okay? It shows us

where we got off the path. It shows us how

to get back on the path, and it shows us

how to stay on the path, okay? It is God's

way of preparing us, the Bible says, in every way,

fully equipped for every good thing God wants us to do. Now,

I could just spend the rest of the message on this,

but let me just say this. This is why a

daily quiet time of Bible reading and prayer is important.

If you're gonna have change, you gotta face the truth,

and where is the truth? It's in God's word. If

you're not in God's word, you're certainly not learning and

facing the truth on a daily basis. It is a

mirror that will reflect both the good and the bad

and the parts that need changing in you. That's the

first step. Lasting change requires knowing, learning the truth, and

then actually facing it, be willing to, yeah, that's right,

you're right, God. Okay, number two. Here's the second key

principle that we're gonna use in this whole series. Lasting

change requires new thinking. Lasting change requires new thinking. We

talked about this last week, so I'm not gonna have

to go into it very much, but I just wanna

reemphasize it, because it's a key principle. You aren't what

you think you are, but what you think you are.

Let me say it again. You aren't what you think

you are, but what you think you are. And the

battle for change, friends, brothers, sisters, is won or lost

in your mind. Ephesians 4, 23. There must be a

spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. Thoughts, circle that.

Spiritual renewal, where does it take place? In my thoughts

and in my attitudes. Where is that? That's all in

your mind. So here's how it works. Follow me closely.

What you think determines the way you feel. Did you

know that? All feelings start with a thought. Feelings aren't

feelings in themselves. They're a response to a thought. What

you think determines how you feel. And what you feel

determines the way you act. So, If you wanna change

the way you act, you wanna change your behavior, you

wanna stop doing some self-defeating stuff, start doing some good stuff,

you must change the way you feel. Because feelings affect

your actions. But the way you change the way you feel,

you can't just change your feeling. I'm just not gonna

feel that way anymore. That doesn't work. The only way

you can change your feeling is indirectly by going to

the root of it, which is a thought. Change the

way you act by changing the way you feel. Change

the way you feel By changing the way you think.

How you think, what you think about all the time.

Now there's a Bible word for this process. Changing the

way I think, which changes the way I feel, which

changes the way I act. It's the word repentance. Now

most people have no idea the true definition of repentance.

When they hear the word repentance, they think of a

guy with a sandwich sign and a long beard with

a sign that says turn or burn, you're gonna go

to hell. You're gonna die and fry while we go

to the sky. That's not repentance, friends. The word repentance

is a Greek word. It's the word metanoia. Meta means repentance.

to change in Greek. Noia means mind. Metanoia simply means

change your mind. That's all repentance means. All repentance means

is change the way you think. Why? Because if you

change the way you think, it'll change the way you feel.

And the way you feel will change the way you act.

It's called repentance. Change the way you think. Metanoia, a

reverse of my mindset. A U-turn, a mental U-turn. That's repentance.

That's metanoia. And that's the way change happens. We talked

about that in depth last week. Now Philippians 2 verse

Philippians 2:5

5 says this. Let the same mind and attitude be

in you which was in Christ Jesus. Circle mind and attitude.

Now again, What you think is a choice. Choosing is

the beginning of changing. And when you begin to put

on the mind of Christ and you begin to think

like he does, then you will start to see your

defects in a very different light. Some of you, that

just went over your head, so let me say it again.

When you change the way you think and you begin

to think God's thoughts the way Christ sees you, the

way God sees you, when you begin to put on

the mind of Christ and think like he does, your defects,

you'll begin to see them in a totally different light. Now,

we're gonna look at this in detail in a future message,

but let me just point out one little thing. This

is a teaser. Are you listening? Defects are often strengths

being misused. The irritating things about you that other people

are bugged by, it's often a strength being misused. For instance,

if God has given you the strength of discernment, you're

gonna be tempted to misuse it and be judgmental about everything.

It's a strength being misused. If God has given you

the strength of being detail-oriented, you notice little details that

can be fixed. If you don't use it correctly, you

become picky and unpleasable and high controlling and finicky. Nobody

wants to live with that. If you, God has given

you the strength of seeing the big picture, not the

little detail, the big picture. If you don't use it correctly,

you're gonna be tempted to overlook people and you'll march

right over them. You'll walk right over them. You won't

pay attention to their feelings. Ignore it because you're looking

at the big picture. You can't see how all the

people around you are feeling about it. If God has

given you the strength of being amiable, you can pretty

much get along with anybody. And that's a strength. But misused,

you're gonna let people run over you. People that you

should not let run over you. Now, One other thing,

I want you to write this down. Everybody, you're taking notes,

write this down. My defects are often attempts to meet

my unmet needs. My defects are often attempts, bad attempts,

but they're attempts. My defects are often attempts to meet

my unmet needs. You don't act the way you do

out of no motivation. You have needs. Now the needs

are legitimate. You're just attempting to get them met in

the wrong way. Everybody has a need for respect. Everybody

has a need to be respected. But if you don't

get respect, as I said, you'll go out and just

try to get attention instead. Everybody has a need to

be loved. But if that need isn't met, you'll throw

yourself at people in a wrong way. Everybody has a

need to be valued. But if you don't feel that

need to be met, you're gonna talk too much. Everybody

has a need to feel secure. Everybody does. But if

you don't let God meet that need, you're gonna try

to control everything. A need is often, I mean, a

defect is often an unmet need being attempted to be

satisfied in the wrong way. Okay, let's look at the

third principle. First principle, remember, was lasting change requires learning

and facing the truth. Number two, lasting change requires new thinking.

We talked about that last week. Number three, lasting change requires,

write this down, community and coaching. The Bible has a

ton to say about this. Lasting change requires community and coaching.

we're not gonna get well on our own. You're not

gonna get healthy by yourself. We're better together. There's some

things you're never gonna be able to change in your

life on your own. There's some problems in your life

so big you need to team tackle them. So I

got a football team. When you got a player who's

so big, no one person can take him down, they

have to team tackle him. You need people in your

life who will support you and help you team tackle

some tough areas in your life. You need support, you

need a small group. Now it's a small group, it's small.

Not 25 people in it. You can't be intimate, you

can't be honest with 25 people. But a small group

of four, six, eight, at the most maybe 10 people.

Small group that you can be gut level authentic with.

You don't need to be gut level authentic with everybody.

You don't need to tell everybody what you're working on.

But you do need to tell somebody. Ephesians 4. says this,

put away all falsehood, means be honest, and tell your neighbor,

that doesn't necessarily mean your next door neighbor, it just

means your friend, your brother, your sister in Christ, somebody

you're close to. Tell your neighbor the truth, because we

belong to each other. You don't belong to your neighborhood,

you do belong to the church of God. Now, circle

the word belong. We belong to each other. You can't

become without belonging. You can't become what God wants you

to be without belonging to his family and being in

a small group where you belong. Now listen very closely.

If you're serious about changing and growing and resetting your life,

you're gonna have to face your fear about being gut

level honest with just a couple people. You don't need

everybody to know the stuff you're working on. The moment

you tell one person, you get instant power you never

had in any other way. You get instant relief. All

of a sudden you open the closet and the boogeyman's

not as big as you thought he was. Proverbs 28,

13 says this. You will never succeed in life if

you try to hide your sins and defects, faults, mistakes, patterns,

stuff that everybody else sees, but we're pretending like, you're

pretending like you don't see. You'll never succeed in life

if you try to hide your sins. Confess them. Give

them up. Then God will show mercy to you. You know,

we waste enormous amount of time and energy trying to

cover up stuff that everybody sees anyway. You think other

people don't see your faults? You think other people don't

see your defects, your flaws, your mistakes? your personality quirks,

everybody sees them. We're just pretending, okay? Our biggest hurdle

to holiness is our desire to look good. Our biggest desire,

our biggest barrier to holiness is the desire to look good.

But when you're in a small group of people who

are gonna love you unconditionally, it's a small group of

friends We've got over 7,000 of them here in the

Saddleback Church. You can get a small group. You don't

have to look good. The small group I've been in for,

I don't know, 20 years, those couples in that group,

they know me inside and out. It's not Pastor Rick,

it's just Rick. And there have been times I was

so tired, I'd come in and I felt secure enough,

I'd just fall asleep because I'd had such a long day.

Nobody worries or wakes me up. Now, that's a good group.

All the guys are going, hey man, I want a

small group I go to sleep in every week. I

didn't say every week. If you're not in a group,

you need to get in one. Because lasting change requires

community and coaching. Galatians 6.2, by helping each other with

your problems, you truly obey the law of Christ. The

58 one another's in the New Testament We love one another,

help one another, serve one another, pray for one another,

encourage one another, listen to one another, bear one another's burdens.

58 commands in the Bible. say we're to do this

with each other. We only grow through community. And there's

some things in your life are never gonna change as

long as you just try to change them by yourself. Now,

lasting change in your life not only requires community, and

I'm not saying a big crowd, it's a small community.

a trusted group of people who love you unconditionally, not

only requires community, and the best place to get that

is a church, but it also requires coaching. Follow me

on this. We always grow faster with a tutor, or

a trainer, or a coach, okay? Even superstars need coaches.

Every single Olympic athlete still has a coach. Every pro baseball, football, NBA,

basketball player, they've got a coach. And the higher up

they are, the more they have personal coaches in all

kinds of areas. What will a coach do? A coach

will help you maximize your strength and minimize your weaknesses.

When you go through the Bible, you see this principle everywhere.

Joshua had his coach, his name was Moses. Elisha had

a coach. His name was Elijah. Solomon had a coach.

His name was David. And David had a coach. His

name was Samuel. The 12 were coached by Jesus. John

coached a guy named Funny name, Polycarp. Polycarp coached a

guy in the next generation named Irenaeus. He had multiple

generations of great Christian leaders. Timothy was coached by Paul.

I could give you all kinds of examples of how

you need a coach in your life. Every Paul needs

a Timothy, and every Timothy needs Paul. Now God has

given five kinds of group coaches to the church, and

they're in this next verse. It's Ephesians chapter four. Christ

gifted some of us to be apostles and prophets and

evangelists and pastors and teachers so that his people, his

people would learn, so that his people would learn to

serve and his body would grow strong. And this will

continue until we're united in our faith and understanding of

the son of God and then we'll be mature just

as Christ is and we will be completely like him.

That's what's called a restart. That's what's called a transformation. Now,

if you're taking notes in that verse, circle the word

learn and grow strong. Learn and grow strong. If you're

serious about your life and working on the hard places

that you don't like, that have been tough, patterns that

were set in childhood, you need to get a coach.

You need to get a training partner. You need a

spiritual coach, a friend. It only has to be one

step ahead of you. They don't have to be perfect,

by the way. A coach just has to be one

step ahead of you. All right. These are the principles

for permanent, lasting change. It requires me learning and facing

the truth. It requires me to do new thinking. It

requires community and coaching. You're never gonna change those tough

things in your life by yourself. Finally, the fourth thing,

lasting change requires the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit. This

is not something you do with just human energy. Only

God can make those transformations in your life. You could

make a law that says no more prejudice, no more racism,

no more bigotry. But no law is ever gonna turn

a bigot into a lover. Only God can do that.

It's an internal change. Only Jesus can turn somebody who's

prejudiced into somebody who's non-prejudiced and somebody who's a hater

into a lover. Now, here's what the Bible says. Zechariah

chapter four, verse six. This is the word of the Lord.

You will not succeed. Are you hearing this? You will

not succeed by your own strength or power, but by

My spirit, says the Lord. You can no more transform

yourself to be like Christ than you can transform yourself

to be a tiger or a leopard. You can't transform

yourself on your own power. Willpower is not enough. Now remember,

we said earlier, you didn't collect your hurts and your

habits and your hangups overnight. You're not gonna eliminate them overnight.

It's gonna take T-I-M-E, time. It's gonna take the rest

of your life. But it'll be a slow process, and

we're gonna do a session on this one too, of

incremental change. 1 Corinthians 3.18, as the Spirit of the

Lord works within us, we become more and more like him.

As the Spirit of the Lord works within us, it

takes the Holy Spirit in your life As the Spirit

of the Lord works within me, I become more and

more like him. That's true for you too. It's a gradual, step-by-step,

incremental process. It's not instant. How many times have you

heard me say, when God wants to make a mushroom,

he takes six hours. And when God wants to make

an oak tree, he takes 60 years. Question, you wanna

be a mushroom or an oak tree? I can show

you how to become an emotionally healthy, spiritually strong, happy,

healthy woman or man of God. I can teach you

how to do that. I can't teach you how to

do it quickly. There's no such thing like instant mashed potatoes,

instant maturity, instant coffee, and instant holiness. It doesn't happen.

More on that in another message. Let me just wrap

it up by asking you this question. How seriously do

you want this? How serious are you about changing for

the better in your life? How serious you are about

finally dealing with those parts of your personality that you,

they irritate you besides irritating everybody else. How seriously are

you interested in evicting the fears out of your life

and the worries out of your life and the self-centeredness

out of your life, and the laziness, and the procrastination,

and the excuse making, and the anger, and the jealousy.

How serious are you about evicting the insecurity out of

your life? Do you really wanna change for the better?

You take these four steps from God's word. Let's bow

our heads. Would you bow your head with me right now? Father,

because none of us is perfect, we all have, defective

areas in our lives. Some of these are honestly so painful,

we can hardly stand to even think about them. Lord,

I know every one of us has struggled with patterns

and habits, self-defeating behavior, and weaknesses, character flaws, defects. Some

people here today, they're in a defective relationship. that's stuck,

that's cold, and that's dying. And others are struggling with

habits or hurts. And a lot of people here are

struggling with the fear of being out of control. And

the more afraid they get, the more controlling they become,

and it just pushes people away from them. Give every

one of us the courage to take the first steps

to healing, Right now. All right? Now you pray. Say, Father,

I'm asking you to help me learn and face the truth.

Say that. I'm asking you to help me to learn

and face the truth. And I'm asking you to help

me to spend time every day in your word to

learn that truth that will change my life. I'm asking you, Lord,

to help me Get in a community and get a coach.

Find a friend who will help me through the tough

times in my life. I know I can't change on

my own. I've tried. And Lord, I'm asking you to

help me think in new ways like we talked about

last week. That I put on a new mind, a

new way of thinking about my life and about you

and about the past and the present and the future. Lord,

most of all, I know I can't do this on

my own. I need your Holy Spirit. So Holy Spirit,

I'm yielding myself to you today. I'm saying, Lord, make

whatever changes you need to make in my life starting

right now. I'm open. I'm available. I want to change,

and I can't do it, not by might, nor by power,

but by your Spirit, says the Lord. If you've never

opened your life to Christ, say, Jesus Christ, come into

my life and begin the change process, little by little,

step by step, helping me to become the woman, the

man that I've always wanted to be. I can't do

it on my own, God, I need your help. And

Jesus Christ, I'm asking you to save my life and

change my life. In your name I pray.

Amen.

Amen.