Kindness Isn't Niceness

Well, good morning, everyone.

It's good to be with you.

For those of you that are visiting, my name is Mac.

I'm one of the pastors on our team.

Also, want to welcome all of you who are joining us from home.

Thanks so much for tuning in.

We're in a sermon series right now called Love Never Fails, where we're going through 1 Corinthians 13.

And I want to remind you all that when Paul wrote this chapter, he was not officiating a wedding, all right?

He was writing to a community that was deeply broken and divided and had forgot what it looks like to live out the way of Jesus together in community.

And so Paul is writing 1 Corinthians 13 as the solution to all of their problems.

And the truth is, Jesus-like love is also the solution to all of our problems.

All the problems we're facing in the American church right now, all the problems we're facing in the world.

What our world desperately needs is a community of people who are living out Jesus-like love together.

That's what the world needs.

And I think that we as the church, the people of God, actually have an incredible opportunity in a world that looks so different than that.

Right now, it seems to me that we are increasingly living in a culture of contempt.

We're living in a contemptuous culture.

One environment or arena we see this in quite a bit is social media.

Now I'm not completely down on social media, so let me just put my cards on the table.

There's things I like about social media.

I'm from Minnesota, and I still have a lot of family and friends from Minnesota, and I like that I'm able to stay in touch and kind of see what people are up to that I otherwise wouldn't have contact with.

I wouldn't have gone back in my phone to look at that photo, but it popped up and it reminded me of that.

I've been digging the birthday feature.

You know how you can click on birthdays and see whose birthday it is?

I've been going on there and just like making sure I wish people a happy birthday, or it prompts me to send them a text or whatever.

Just try to fill each fill someone's bucket for the day.

So I'm not completely down on social media, but there is a lot I don't like about it either.

I don't like how much of a time suck it is.

It's like a black hole of scrolling, and you can waste copious amounts of time on social media.

I don't like all the self-promotion.

It seems like social media is turning all of us into little self-promoting narcissists.

I don't like how fake it is.

The stuff that we're putting out there isn't the real of it, real us, it's like the highlight reel.

And even those who claim to be vulnerable are like doing it in a very staged and performative way.

It's frustrating.

I don't like how algorithms are distorting our perception of reality.

And I really don't like how social media is breeding contempt among and between us.

You know?

It's it's fueling polarization and fostering dehumanization.

And you all know what I'm talking about.

If you don't, here's your homework assignment is just go on social media and find a post that is about 1% controversial, okay?

That's all it takes.

And then click on the comments underneath it, and you'll know what I'm talking about.

I was uh there's something that happens, friends.

There's something that happens when we get behind a screen and begin typing.

Uh, we do things and say things to other people that we would never say if we were face to face.

I was talking to someone recently and they were describing a family member that seems to have a split personality.

In person, they're like the kindest, warmest person you'll ever encounter.

But then when this person gets behind a screen, they turn into a totally different person.

They're mean and demeaning.

It's like what happened to Aunt Sally?

She's so nice in person, but on social media, she's quite a monster.

We live in a culture of contempt full of vitriolic rhetoric.

And I want you to know contempt is more than disagreement.

Disagreement is normal, okay?

We're gonna disagree.

But contempt is treating another person as if they're unworthy of respect and dignity.

If you spend about three minutes on social media, you'll see contempt everywhere.

I'm gonna give us some characteristics of contempt so we are able to see it and label it and name it and describe it.

Uh, one characteristic of contempt is that it's combative, it's antagonistic.

Um, if you go on the comment section, it's not about conversation.

You can't win a conversation, friends.

Conversation is about a mutual exchange of ideas where you're learning about the other person and you're learning from the other person, but that's not what's happening.

It's all about debate and winning and one-upmanship.

You'll notice dehumanization rather than seeing other people as our brothers and sisters, people created in the image of God, people that Jesus died for, what's happening is we're reducing other people to stereotypes and caricatures and treating them as enemies.

This, of course, breeds an us versus them mentality.

Rather than being an us without a them, we increasingly other other people.

Uh we're the good guys, they're the bad guys.

And this, of course, fuels then an attitude of superiority.

Rather than engaging with humility and curiosity, a desire to learn, instead, we arrogantly assume that we're right about pretty much everything, and those who disagree are really stupid and ignorant.

And so it leads to attitudes of arrogance.

And maybe the ultimate characteristic of contempt is shaming.

So rather than treating people with kindness and gentleness and respect, what ends up happening is we uh try to embarrass other people, we humiliate them, we caricature them, and then cancel them.

Uh, this is what contempt looks like in the public arena.

And the APA, the uh American Psychological Association, which is sort of like the largest scientific and professional organization of psychologists in the US, they now have tons of data on how this incivility is not only occurring on social media platforms, but now is pervading pretty much every social environment we're in.

So it's now present in homes and between family members, it's now part of our neighborhoods and our friendships.

Um there's a little piece of tape that rolled down.

That's cool.

Um maybe it's a wheel.

Anyway, um, squirrel, um it's pervading, it's pervading everything.

You see this.

Your workplace, your neighborhood, it's all over the place.

We live in a culture of contempt where we don't just agree disagree with others, we treat them beneath consideration, the consideration of our respect.

And then the crazy thing is we feel justified doing so because after all, we're promoting truth, and they're the bad guys promoting the exact opposite.

This is the culture we live in.

And I believe that we, the church, those who belong to Jesus and are called to serve as the hands and feet of Jesus, the people of God, we have such an incredible opportunity in this culture to embody something so radically different.

We have an incredible opportunity if we can step into it.

So here's our bottom line for today.

If there's one thing you walk away with, let it be this love counters contempt with kindness.

This is what love does.

Love counters the contempt in our culture with kindness.

In a culture of contempt, Jesus calls us to be a community of kindness.

And the reason why is because Jesus, like love, is kind.

It's kind.

This is exactly what Paul says.

Right after telling the Corinthians that no matter what they do, no matter how impressive it is, if it lacks love, it's worthless.

Notice how Paul describes love.

This is what he says.

He says, Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Love is kind.

It's the second descriptor that Paul uses.

Love is kind.

I want to note that all of these descriptors, none of them are nouns or adjectives, they're all verbs.

Paul uses 15 verbs, something like 15 verbs in these few short verses to fill out what love looks like, what love looks like in action, what love does and doesn't do.

So Paul isn't using nouns.

If he wanted to say that love has kindness or is kind-hearted, he had a perfectly good noun he could have drawn on to say that.

The word for that is crestos.

Instead, he uses a verb, Christuomai.

He's saying, look, this is what love does.

This is what love looks like in action.

It's patient, which carries a connotation of being sort of uh passive when there's hardship.

You're it's it's long-suffering, you're you're enduring, and then he says, love is kind, another verb which is much more proactive.

What I want to do in terms of organizing the message today is I just want to invite you into my uh preparation and how I was thinking as I prepared this sermon.

So I asked a bunch of questions, which is one of the ways you'll learn to understand God's word better, is when you're reading it, begin to ask questions and then seek out the answers.

So here's the first question I found myself asking: What in the world is kindness?

What is kindness?

And I'm just gonna tell you right now, I learned a ton preparing this sermon.

If you'd have asked me a few weeks ago what is kindness, I probably would have said something like, kindness is about being friendly and nice to others, sort of being respectful when you interact with them, I would have said something like that.

And uh kindness isn't less than that.

It will often show up that way.

Um, but as I was researching and studying, I realized that isn't quite it.

Uh, kindness is actually much more gritty and it goes much deeper and it's more impactful.

So here's a simple definition of kindness you can write down or maybe even memorize.

Kindness is taking action for the good of another.

Kindness involves taking action, so it's a proactive thing, taking action for the good of another.

Gordon Fee, a huge well-known commentator, uh, simply says kindness is active goodness.

Active goodness.

Christopher Wright, another well-known commentator, says it's action that puts another's need before your own.

So you're taking action for someone else, you're doing what's good for them, even if it's better for them than it is for yourself.

Greg Boyd says kindness is the gracious ability to give yourself away for others.

The gracious ability to give yourself away for the good of others.

Eugene Peterson in the message translates the Greek phrase here: love cares more for others than for self.

So kindness is about intentional, proactive goodness.

It is about active benevolence.

You're taking action for the good of another, perhaps even at cost to yourself.

And of course, kindness is an inside-out kind of a thing.

So it starts on the inside.

It's about the condition of your heart.

It's a posture of the heart, it's an inner attitude, it's a disposition you have towards other people that then shows up on the outside in the way you treat other people.

Because you have this disposition on the inside in the way you orient towards other people, you're willing to take great action for other people in your life, even at cost to yourself.

This is what Jesus looking love does.

It's other centered, self-sacrificial, action taken for the good of another.

You following this?

Yeah?

Okay.

So notice if this is what kindness is, well, let's notice what it's not.

And these are things that at least I confused kindness with.

So number one, note that kindness is not the same thing as niceness.

Those aren't the same thing.

Okay?

Niceness is all about being pleasant, it's about polite demeanor, but kindness is different.

It goes way deeper.

Remember, kindness is about active goodness, taking action for the good of another.

And while it will often be nice in the way it shows up, that's not always the case.

Niceness often avoids discomfort.

But kindness is about taking action for the good of another, which often involves waiting in to what's uncomfortable.

Maybe one way to think about it would be this: think about your doctor.

Would you rather have a nice doctor or a kind doctor?

Okay, a nice doctor is gonna tell you what you want to hear and make sure you feel comfortable and sort of uh approve of all of your choices.

But see, a kind doctor is going to tell you what you need to hear.

Especially if you have a uh something major going wrong or you have a lifestyle thing you need to address, a kind doctor is going to tell you that.

He's gonna point that out to you in ways that might even feel a little bit um direct or blunt, but it's actually for your good because he's wanting to get, he or she is wanting to get your attention to let you know you have some changes that you need to make.

Nice people seek your comfort.

Kind people seek your good.

That's the difference.

Uh kindness is not the same thing as niceness, although they will often overlap.

Secondly, notice that kindness is not the same thing as gentleness.

Okay?

Now, these two often go together.

These two will often, in fact, even if you read the New Testament, um, kindness and gentleness often show up uh near one another.

For instance, in the fruit of the Spirit, both kindness and gentleness are listed as a fruit of the Spirit.

I like to think of kindness and gentleness as like a married couple who you'll see out holding hands.

Okay?

Kindness and gentleness are often uh dating.

You know what I mean?

They're holding hands, but they're not the same thing.

Okay?

Kindness has to do with what you do for another person, the what.

Whereas gentleness has to do with how you do it, the way you do it.

And again, I'm willing to say that most of the time these are going to go together, but not always.

Not always.

Sometimes kindness has to be abrupt and a bit forceful.

Let me give you an example of this.

Our youngest son Griffin has Down syndrome.

One of the things that Josie and I have to be careful about is he actually knows how to open the door at home and go outside.

Um, and so we have to kind of be on alert.

And so just imagine a hypothetical with me.

Imagine Griffin opens the door and goes outside without Josie and I knowing.

And then imagine all of a sudden we see Griffin walking uh down the driveway towards the street.

Kind of see him out the window.

Griffin has no self-awareness, he doesn't know how to survey for, he doesn't know how to look both ways and assess for danger, he doesn't know how to do that.

And if we quick open the window and shouted, Griffin, stop, there's about a 23% chance that he'd actually stop, okay?

Um, and that's being generous.

So the most prudent action would be we would sprint out the door and intercept him, we'd swoop him up before he gets to the street.

Yes?

Now imagine if you're watching this as like a third party.

Would you say that what we did for Griffin was gentle?

No.

In fact, it would look very forceful and abrupt, but you would say it was kind because we took action for his good.

Does this make sense?

Sometimes the kind thing is to sort of uh push your way into situations for the good of another person.

Kindness and gentleness often go together, but they're not the exact same thing.

Thirdly, kindness is not the same thing as people pleasing.

Okay, please hear this.

People pleasing involves doing what someone else wants in order to please them or keep them happy.

And I'm gonna name my concern because in the church, we often confuse love for people pleasing.

You you hear phrases like, oh, well, love is other centered, right?

And so then we we kind of associate doing what other people want to please them as love.

But they're not the same thing.

And the reason why is because sometimes what people want isn't what they need, and if you gave it to them, it'd actually be a mistake.

I'm gonna say that again.

Sometimes what people want isn't what they need, and it'd be a mistake to give it to them.

Let me give you an example of this.

Imagine, like another hypothetical.

Imagine it's 10 o'clock at night on a weeknight, and my older boys say, uh, we'd like some, can we have some pop?

You guys know what that means?

Is this is that normal?

No?

Okay.

I'm from Minnesota, we called uh soda pop, alright?

So imagine they want some.

And this is a total hypothetical because we don't really have pop in the house, but imagine we did.

Imagine it's Dr.

Pepper, okay?

Can we have some Dr.

Pepper?

Well, I know as a parent that Dr.

Pepper is loaded with sugar and has caffeine in it.

So this would not be a smart move.

It wouldn't be good for my kids to drink that at 10 o'clock on a school night.

It would ruin their sleep.

It wouldn't be good for them.

But that's what they want, right?

See, people pleasing would give them what they want in order to keep them happy.

But kindness would say no for their good.

You see the difference?

I'm convinced that most people pleasing is rooted in cowardice.

And the reason why is because we actually end up betraying our deeply held values, beliefs, and convictions.

We we give up our boundaries to other people, but then because we have to still live with ourselves, we call it love so we can sleep at night.

The two aren't the same.

So kindness is not the same thing as people pleasing.

And then finally, one other is that kindness is not the same as conflict avoidance.

Okay, scripture tells us to be peacemakers.

Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers, but there is such a big difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping.

Peacekeeping is all about pretending that things are okay and acting like things are good even when they're not, even when there's something wrong, some sort of dysfunction, because after all, you don't want to upset the status quo.

It's good enough.

That's peacekeeping.

Peacemaking involves actually dealing with the problems, actually confronting the things that are wrong so that we can have real peace, not fake peace.

And I'll just tell you peacekeeping never works.

When you absorb a bunch of dysfunction in a relationship but pretend everything's fine, what happens over time is it accumulates.

You get more and more resentful and bitter and frustrated, and eventually that leaks out sideways in ways that are sometimes more hurtful and harmful than if you just talk about it in the first place.

It doesn't work.

So peacekeeping isn't what we're talking about.

Peacemaking is what Jesus calls us to, which isn't afraid of having difficult conversations, which isn't afraid of wading into the hard stuff, because the end result is a right relationship.

A relationship that reflects the kingdom of God.

So what is kindness?

It's active goodness, it's taking action for the good of another.

It's not the same as niceness or gentleness or people pleasing or avoiding conflict.

Now, so so that was my first question.

I wanted to wrap my brain around what kindness is and isn't.

Once I began to get a hand On uh and get some clarity on what kindness is.

The second question I found myself asking is okay, well, how do we grow into it?

How do we practice it?

If Jesus is calling us to act kindly, how do we do that?

And how do we get better at doing that?

Well, one of the things we need to understand is that kindness is a fruit of the Spirit.

So Paul says this in Galatians 5.

He says, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Kindness is the fifth quality or characteristic of the fruit of the Spirit listed there.

And because it's a fruit of the Spirit, that means that you can't create it on your own.

You can't do it on your own.

It's something the Holy Spirit has to give you.

So you're not going to be able to create kindness by trying harder.

We don't grow in kindness by trying harder to be kind.

We actually grow in kindness by surrendering to the Holy Spirit more.

Here's the point: kindness can actually be cultivated.

You can't create it, you can't produce it on your own.

So hear that.

But it can be cultivated.

And the way you cultivate it is by surrendering to the Holy Spirit in your life.

And the more you surrender to the Holy Spirit, moment by moment, keeping in step with the Spirit, the more the Holy Spirit will transform your life such that you're able to act with kindness.

Is this making sense?

Aaron Menikov says the presence of kindness in your life is a preeminent evidence of the Holy Spirit's work in your heart.

There's a Greek philosopher named Heraclitus, and he wasn't a Christian, but he talked, he observed how people are shaped and formed.

And he's got this famous quote, but I'm just going to summarize it for you.

He talked about how our thoughts become our words.

And then our words become our actions, and then our actions become our habits, and our habits become our character.

So notice what he's saying.

He's going, what you think influences what you say.

What you say determines what you do.

What you do becomes a habit, and that habit determines your character, who you are.

And what I'm trying to say in terms of cultivating the fruit of the Spirit, cultivating kindness in our lives, is we need to invite the Holy Spirit into each one of those areas, into what we think, into what we say, so that shapes what we do habitually and it informs who we become.

This is how we grow.

And this is exactly, by the way, what Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians 13 when he says love is kind, that verb is in the present tense.

So it's not just something you decide to do in the past or set your mind to do in the future.

It's something you have to keep doing moment by moment in your life in dependency on the Holy Spirit.

Is this making sense?

You will, hear me, you will not be able to be or act kindly, consistently on your own.

The way we grow in kindness is by surrendering to the Holy Spirit moment by moment.

Yes?

Alright.

So I'm sitting there going, okay, got it.

Don't try harder, surrender more.

What in the world gets in the way of this?

That's the third question.

What what if we're called to do kindness, to act kindly, it's worth naming what gets in the way of kindness in our lives.

What gets in the way of kindness for you?

For me?

And it might be different, right?

We all might have different things that get in the way of us acting kindly.

Um, but as I reflected on my life and then kind of put my pastor's hat on and thought about what I'm observing in other people, there were some common culprits that sort of bubbled to the surface for me.

So I'm gonna name three common culprits that get in the way of us doing kindness.

Culprit number one is self-centeredness.

Self-centeredness.

You these two are completely incompatible.

Being self-centered and being kind don't mix.

You can't be kind and self-centered at the same time, since kindness is about taking action for the good of another, often at cost to yourself.

And see, not only are we um bent in on ourselves, so this is part of our sinful human condition.

We have a part of us that is naturally self-centered and selfish, we actually live in a culture where this is encouraged.

This is part of our American heritage, you guys, that it's all about prioritizing my rights and my freedoms and my time and my energy and my money, and I get to do what I want, my, my, my.

But see, if you're going to live a kind life, you've got to decenter yourself from the center of the universe.

You only focusing on what's good for you is going to get in the way of you showing Jesus-like kindness to those around you.

Yes?

And I'm just telling you, I'm selfish.

I'm often self-centered.

And so are you.

And so, if we're gonna learn how to live in kindness towards one another, which is what Paul is calling this community to do, act in kindness towards one another, we need to push against our self-centeredness.

We need to decenter ourselves from being at the center of the universe.

Second culprit is busyness.

Busyness.

Dallas Willard, as you all know, said that hurry is the great enemy of the spiritual life.

Why is that?

Because when you're rushed, you aren't being present to God yourself or other people.

What's more is that you aren't going to be able to notice.

When you're really busy, you're not able to notice what people need around you, what's good for them.

And even if you did, guess what?

You probably wouldn't have time to step in and meet that need anyway.

This making sense?

Busyness and hurry and no margin gets in the way of us acting kindly.

Kindness isn't cultivated just when it's convenient, it's when it costs us something.

And I want you to hear this.

In order to live into kindness, it is going to cost you.

It's going to cost you.

Active goodness for others will cost you.

It's going to cost you time.

It's going to cost you energy.

It's going to cost you financially.

If you're actually going to take concrete steps to do good for other people, you're going to have to open up your pockets to assist other people.

That's just how it goes.

It's going to cost you your preferences.

Kindness is not grown in the soil of convenience, but rather inconvenience.

Because love is self-sacrificial and it looks like Calvary.

Finally, the third one is inconvenience.

Again, I feel like so much of my life revolves around what's easy for me to do.

What fits into my calendar, what fits into my schedule.

Me, me, me.

You see how these sort of flow together?

The more self-centered you are, the more busy you are with your own life, what you have going on, your agenda, your goals, your dreams, your pursuits, and the more you push back against anything that's inconvenient for you.

Friends, we're gonna have to repent of these things in order to center ourselves on Jesus who gave himself up for the good of other peoples.

This is what kindness looks like.

It looks like the cross.

And we're called to be cross-like people.

Amen?

I think we have an incredible opportunity, friends.

We have an incredible opportunity to embody something different in a culture that, quite frankly, is very mean.

Imagine a church community practicing radical kindness in this culture, it would stand out.

And not only can we do it, I'm letting you know it's possible.

It is possible to live into this kind of kindness.

The early church lived into this kind of kindness.

There was a church father named Tertullian, lived from 150 to 225, and he mentions in one of his writings that the pagans around that time, non-Christians, referred to Christians not as Christians, but Christiani, made up of kindness.

Think about that.

He's observing the fact that non-Christians refer to Christians not just as Christians, but kindness.

They're made up of kindness.

And I've shared on numerous occasions the type of kindness that they consistently embody together as a community.

They often would stay behind when there were plagues hitting cities to care for the sick and the dying.

They rescued abandoned infants and raised them as their own.

They broke down every kind of barrier that divided people between men and women, slaves and free, rich and poor.

They were a community of unity.

They blessed enemies rather than retaliated.

They never resorted to violence.

This is a big part of why the early church grew.

They were known for their kindness.

And we can be too.

I want to be part of a church that is learning to do kindness.

Yes?

Alright.

So I want to leave you with some homework, okay?

Some action steps for this week, because you're not going to learn to become kind just by listening to a sermon or a motivational talk.

You're going to have to do something with it.

Okay?

Remember, all of these descriptors are verbs.

So start with some reflecting on your life in Jesus' presence.

Where does my understanding of kindness need to grow deeper?

What is the biggest culprit that blocks acting with kindness in my life?

I name three: self-centeredness, busyness, and inconvenience.

What are is there one of those that is the most prominent for you?

Are there ones that I didn't mention?

Who might Jesus be inviting me to practice kindness with this week?

Alright, so that question is gonna then inform the practice.

Here's your practice for this week.

You're gonna identify one person Jesus is calling you to engage with kindness.

Perhaps this is someone who annoys you or gets under your skin.

Just a thought.

Some of you are giggling because you're sitting next to them.

Prayerfully consider what might be good or beneficial to this other person.

You can pray about this.

Jesus, what it what might be good for this other person this week?

Show me.

Give me your eyes to see.

And then do something that contributes to it.

Love does.

So you've got to actually go out and do something that benefits that other person.

So you're gonna pick someone, discern what it looks like to act for their good, and then you're gonna actually do it.

Just a reminder, a few reminders as we leave.

Uh, we're a little bit behind the snacks for success.

I saw a number of you uh bringing in stuff today, so great if you haven't done so already.

I really encourage you to do that.

And then we've got a lot of stuff coming up bridge builders, the bonfire, the blood drive, and the DNA class.

So uh please make sure you're participating in all the ways that God is inviting you to.

Yes?

All right, let's live into kindness together.

You can stand, and I want to close us in prayer.

Uh Jesus, we thank you that you show us what kindness looks like in our lives.

Um, I pray that you would transform us.

Would you remove our self-centeredness, our selfishness?

Would you help us to create margin in our lives?

Would you learn how to teach us how to press into things that are inconvenient but good for other people?

Transform us into a community that looks and loves like you, for we ask it in Jesus' name and all God's people said.

Amen.

Go in peace.