Abusive Relationships-Are You Dating an Abuser?

Hey everybody, how are you?

This is Dave from Oasis Singles and today we're going to be talking about what I

think is probably one of the most difficult and sensitive topics of all,

and that is the topic of abusive dating relationships. Now, listen,

just because you're married,

don't tune this out because a lot of the things we share will apply to married

couples as well.

The tricky thing about a an abusive dating relationship is that you may not even

know you're in one. Now, when I was in family court for 26 long years,

man, I can't believe it was that long. And before I left the church plant,

I met hundreds of couples who were in fact, in an abusive relationship.

Some of you watching this right now,

understand the pain that goes into an abusive relationship, but many of us,

because abusive relationships come in all shapes and sizes,

we may not even know we're actually in an abusive relationship.

It's kind of like that lobster that you throw into a pot and it slowly cooks to

death. That's how abusive relationships are. Now,

as we delve into this very sensitive topic,

we're going to be discussing what the signs of an abusive relationship actually

are, and then number two,

how to actually deal with that from a Christian point of view.

But I just wanna say,

if you enjoy this video and all the things we're discussing,

please hang on to the end and like us, subscribe to us,

share all across social media on this very important topic,

and I'll have resources and other article links for you that are related to this

topic to help you.

An abusive relationship is all about power and control,

and the victim may suffer one or more of the following forms of abuse.

The first form of abuse has to do with isolation.

The abuser is so obsessive and so possessive and so jealous

that he or she has such tight reigns on what the victim does, where she goes,

who she talks to on the cell phone and so forth.

Hopefully you're not in one of these relationships. This is such a,

what I would call smothering relationship,

where that person does not trust the other person,

so they have to control the other person by isolating them from their friends.

The second form of abuse has to do with financial control,

and even though you're not living together,

hopefully if you're in a Christian dating relationship,

that other party so restricts that person's access to money,

or they use finances in a way to assert dominance in the relationship to

manipulate,

and this can lead to dependency and make it challenging for that abused person

to actually leave the relationship.

A third form of abuse is in what I call intimidation. Now, in this scenario,

that person actually uses body language like facial expressions,

gestures,

or even an escalation in this area would also include things like yelling and

ranting and and even making threats and smashing items that are precious

to the victim. This is a bad scene all around.

I remember I had a friend who,

his girlfriend came to his house and totally smashed all his

records that he had been collecting over the years.

A final and most dangerous form of abuse and less subtle for that matter,

comes in the area of physical violence.

This is where that person could beat you sexually abuse you,

it could be against your children. Even oftentimes,

that person will come back remorseful, saying, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

I promise, I promise. Don't send me away.

I promise I will never do it again.

And we know that's simply not the case with an abuser. They will do it again,

but oftentimes that person who's been abused will forgive them or they'll be

afraid to report the incident and they'll just leave it as it is.

And then what happens is the cycle continues over and over again.

Now, what are we to do in this area of abuse? While Jesus says,

we are to forgive those who sit against us,

he doesn't want you or your children being doormats for someone's violence.

No, at this point,

you really do need to leave that toxic relationship and there's resources out

there for you to use. One of them is the national hotline on domestic violence.

There's a number there, 7 3 7 2 2 5 3 1 5 0,

and they'll help you and give you resources on how to end that relationship.

Also, many churches offer that form of counseling,

and we have resources we can give you. If you hang on to the end of this video,

we'll give you links to other articles that you can use for that.

So the first step toward healing from an abusive relationship is recognizing

those signs,

recognizing how those signs are manifest in all these different forms like

emotional, verbal, physical, even spiritual abuse.

Watch out for those signs like constant criticism, manipulation,

isolating you from beloved family members and friends,

trying to control you in all these different ways.

Once you recognize that you are actually in a relationship like that,

then you could take proactive steps to get out of that type of relationship.

A second way of being proactive and of extracting yourself from an abusive

relationship is to keep in constant contact with your friends and family,

letting them know what's going on.

You don't have to face this type of relationship alone. You have friends,

you have family members, even your church pastor and your support groups,

your single Christian groups, share with them. Don't be afraid,

don't be embarrassed. The scripture says in Galatians five,

to to cast our burdens and to share our burdens with each other.

That's what it's all about, to be part of a loving church family.

A third way of being proactive in a suspected abusive relationship is to

evaluate your safety. Prioritize your safety above all else. I mean,

if you feel physically threatened or fear for your life,

don't hesitate to contact the local law enforcement or domestic violence

hotline. Your wellbeing and debt of your children, if you have any,

should always be the top priority. Now,

if and when you do decide to end that abusive relationship, it's so,

so important to establish clear boundaries with your ex,

and this may unfortunately include cutting off all contact or if necessary,

communicating only through a third party so you don't have to deal with that

toxicity.

Sticking to your boundaries and avoiding giving into emotional manipulation or

guilt trips is really key in this area. Now,

if you have been in this cycle of abuse,

it's so important to get professional Christian counseling or therapy because

this could be immensely beneficial during and after leaving and during the

healing process,

a trained Christian therapist can help you work through the healing process and

the emotional trauma that you went through and help you rebuild your self-esteem

so that you could have guidance on making healthy relationship choices in the

future. I see this happen all the time.

Without the right counseling and guidance and prayer and support,

I see people go from the frying pan right into the fire.

What I mean by that is they may leave that abusive relationship,

but inevitably they'll find someone else just as abusive,

and then the vicious cycle continue. Now,

that third step we just talked about segues into what I feel is the absolutely

most important step we can take toward our healing process from such a crazy

relationship, and that is putting Jesus back into the center of our lives.

Remember before that, in such an abusive relationship,

it's all about the other person.

It's all about him being the center or her being the center. Now,

we wanna put Jesus at the center,

and that's where we can experience real forgiveness, real peace,

real joy, real purpose, real comfort. Don't you want that?

I love this scripture in Matthew 1128. Jesus says,

come to me all you who are weary and heavily burdened,

and if you've been in such a relationship,

you know how heavily burdened you can be. And Jesus says,

you come to me and I will give you rest. You will find rest for your souls.

Ah, doesn't that sound good? I love that, and I love this scripture.

It's found in John 6 37, and Jesus says this, he says,

those who come to me get this,

I will never ever drive away. That means no matter where you've been,

no matter what you've done,

no matter what kind of relationship you've been through,

Jesus loves you and he accepts you with open arms. He's there for you.

He wants to heal you. He wants to heal you physically, emotionally,

and spiritually. In John 10, it says, he's the good shepherd.

He desires to take you in his arms and love you back to health.

That sounds like good news to me. Hey guys,

thank you so much for popping in today.

I hope you were encouraged even just a little bit. And if you were,

please subscribe to our channel and also in the description below,

I'm gonna have links to all of our different social media that you could share

there as well. And I'll also have different articles for you on our

[email protected] that you could go to that's going to be

related to the topic we talked about today. We love you guys so much.

We're here for you. Uh, if you have any questions,

feel free to email me also in that description. God bless you guys,

and have a great night.