All of Me | Pastor Matt Pennington | Week 3

Well, welcome to All of Me Part Three or Week Three.

If you have been following along this series, we hope that it's been helpful for you.

We said from the get-go that we know not everybody who sees this or follows it or watches it is married.

We understand that.

And so our goal is not just to talk to married people.

Our goal really primarily is to look at what the Bible says about marriage?

What specifically in Genesis do we see as the foundation of marriage, God's design and intent for marriage?

And hopefully, up to this point, this has been helpful for you, whether you are or are not married.

The reality is all of us are impacted by marriages in some way.

And so we hope it's helpful.

I will say this today's message specifically is dealing with the topic of physical intimacy.

Or in the words of the 90s hip hop group, Salt and Peppa, let's talk about sex, baby.

That's what we're talking about today.

I know it can be sensitive.

I know it can be a little awkward for us to think about or talk about.

But here's the thing, here's the heart behind this is that we have to understand what the Bible says about sex?

Because when we see this biblically, it can be a great blessing in our lives.

But if we see and understand and even enjoy or interact with or participate in this wrongly, then we understand that it actually can be devastating for our lives and even the people around us.

Here's the question that we begin with today is what does the Bible say about sex?

If I could summarize it in this way, here's what we would see, here's what we would say, and here's what we see in scripture is that sex is a good gift from a good God.

And primarily, here's why it's a good gift from a good God is that God invented it, we were designed for it, and we desire it.

And so here's what we need to understand as human beings created in the image of God is that we are by nature sexual beings.

That means that if you feel these urges or if you have these thoughts, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

It means that this is by God's design.

God invented the idea of sex.

He actually created it when he created Adam and Eve.

He created them as compatible beings, male and female, and he also gave them a command, be fruitful and multiply.

So here's what I would say.

Let me interpret that for you is that Mary is the only virgin who ever gave birth.

Therefore, if there is multiplication, there is sex.

We were designed for it, and we desire it because God invented it and created it this way.

Jesus chapter 2 has been our foundational text throughout this entire series.

And so I would just read for us a few of these verses in which we see this idea of sex, maybe not mentioned explicitly, but certainly implicitly.

Genesis 2.18 says, Then the Lord God said, It's not good for man to be alone.

I will make a helper corresponding to him.

Last week we talked about we correspond to each other emotionally.

The men and women have different desires, they have different emotional tendencies and desires.

And so we correspond to each other emotionally.

We actually are compatible emotionally.

But here's the reality: we also correspond to each other physically.

It is just science that men and women complement one another, not just emotionally, but physically.

Skipping down to verse 24, we read that this is why a man leaves his father and mother or gets married and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.

Listen, when the Bible says that they become one flesh, that is so much more than just physically, but it is nothing less physically.

It means that in God's eyes you are united.

You are now one entity, no longer two individuals.

But quite frankly, without being graphic, is that physically you become one.

Then in verse 25, both the man and the woman, uh his wife were naked yet felt no shame.

Now listen to me.

I'm just gonna be real with you.

All I'm saying is that God could have created Adam and Eve with clothes on, he didn't.

It says that they were both naked and yet felt no shame.

But the reality is they weren't just naked, they were also given a command to, hey, be fruitful and multiply.

I don't need to explain what's going on.

If you're an adult, put the pieces together.

God created them naked, they were not ashamed of that condition, and he gave them commands and privileges and said, Hey, go and do this thing that leads to multiplication.

But here's where I want to start, because this is gonna lay the foundation for everything we talk about after this, is that it's important we understand that they were naked and yet felt no shame.

And here's why I say that is because sin can turn a good gift, and we said sex is a good gift from a good God.

It was his idea, and therefore we are designed for it and we desire it, but sin can turn a good gift into a source of shame.

In Genesis 2 25, we see that they were naked and yet felt no shame.

Fast forward to Genesis chapter 3.

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

If you're a Bible student, if you've been around church, you probably know that Genesis chapter 3 is that inevitable chapter where God gives commands to Adam and Eve of everything they can partake of and enjoy except for this one particular tree, and he gives them command if you eat of it, you will surely die.

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

What happens?

Satan, the serpent, comes along, tempts Adam and Eve.

It changes how they view this tree from the way that God designed it and intended for them to see it, and yet now their perspective is warped because they now lust after this, that their eyes are now changing how they see this tree.

They give in, they partake of this fruit that God forbade.

And this is what we read.

Genesis chapter 3, verse 8.

Genesis 3:8

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

So the Lord God called out to the man and said, Where are you?

He said, Well, I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.

And then he, God asked, Who told you that you were naked, did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?

Now here's this is important that we understand Genesis three in the light of Genesis chapter two.

Genesis chapter two, God created Adam and Eve, and they were naked and not ashamed.

Genesis chapter three, after they disobeyed God, after sin entered the world, now all of a sudden they are naked and ashamed.

Now here's what we have to understand about this between Genesis 2 and 3 is this that nakedness itself was not the problem.

They were naked before and they were unashamed.

Now in Genesis chapter 3, they are aware of their nakedness and they are ashamed.

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

Nakedness was not the problem, sin was.

And here's what I would say to us is that sin always produces shame.

It is inevitable.

And I know that there are a lot of counselors in the world today who make a lot of money trying to give us techniques for which we can deal with our shame, but here's the reality: sin always produces shame.

And here's why that's a problem, because shame always drives us away from the presence of God.

And that's what we see.

We see in Adam and Eve's world, they were naked and unashamed.

They are still naked in Gesis 3, but all of a sudden they are aware of their nakedness and they are ashamed.

Was it nakedness that was a problem?

Absolutely not.

It was sin.

They had disobeyed God and their sin created shame, and their shame drove them from the presence of God.

When God comes looking, they are hiding.

And so why is this important?

Because as we talk about sex and we talk about physical intimacy in this series about marriage, is that we understand, first and foremost, God invented this.

This is a good thing.

God designed us for it.

We desire it.

Like every human being has these tendencies and these hormones and these emotions that would lead us down this road.

And yet, here's why this is important is because sin is always a means of shame, and shame always drives us away from the presence of God.

And here's what happens in our world today is that sex and all of the stuff around it can lead us down a cycle and a path of shame, and therefore sex becomes an obstacle for us encountering and enjoying the presence of God.

And here's the deal what I believe is that the church has actually not helped this situation at all.

In fact, I think for a long time the church has gotten this particular subject wrong.

And what has been interpreted from the church, and I grew up in the church, and this was my thought process as a kid growing up in the church was this that sex is a bad thing.

And here's what I think happened is I don't think that was ever explicitly taught, but I think whether it be because we never talked about it or the ways in which we talked about it, it was never explicitly taught that sex is a bad thing.

But somewhere along the line, it was caught.

And I don't know if this is a response to the sexual revolution and the purity movement and all of that stuff.

Not that any of those things were bad or had bad intentions, but I think the church has done a poor job talking about sex and has left generations in crisis because we are designed for this.

We do desire it.

And so internally, we have all these hormones and emotions that are leading us in a certain direction, and yet we have no guidance from the Bible or the church because we've never talked about how do we handle this topic.

Another way in which I think the church has gotten this wrong is that parents have not been led to disciple their kids at home.

In other words, parents are the primary spiritual influence in their child's life.

That is research, that is proven statistically, that is something that we believe here at the orchard, is that our job is not to teach children spiritual things.

Our job is to partner with parents who have the greatest and are the primary influences in their child's life.

And what I think the church has failed to do is talk about this particular subject and encourage and uh strongly encourage parents to have these types of conversations with their children.

So what I think has happened is we have all these external influences in social media, the internet, the world around us, our peers, all of these things.

We have all these external influences, we have internal desires and hormones because we are created for this, and yet we are left to kind of fend for ourselves and to figure it all out.

And what happens is in the absence in the silence of the church, the world fills in the gaps.

And so I think what's happened is generations of children and kids and students become adults and they grew up in the church, and yet when it comes to sex and this sexual ethic and this idea around sex is that they they have this conflicting world view because they feel like this is a wrong thing and a bad thing, and yet everything inside of them, because they're designed for it and desire it, is steering them down this road, and it seems like it results in this crisis.

I think another wrong assumption that has been made about the church is well, there's just some things that we don't talk about at church.

And quite frankly, I think that's one of the dumbest things that we can ever say.

Because when you read the Bible, the Bible doesn't shy away from any of these things.

The Bible tells stories about siblings who raped a sibling.

And so if the Bible doesn't shy away from the depravity of man, then where on earth did the church get the idea that, well, we just don't talk about these things at church?

And what's happened, I think, is in the silence of the church, we have miscommunicated that somehow sex is a bad thing.

And quite frankly, that is just biblically untrue.

And it can lead to all sin uh all sources of heartache and headache and confusion and doubt.

And so I think the church has done a disservice in many ways not talking about this.

So for today, here's what we need to see, quite frankly, a summary as what the Bible says is that sex is a good gift from a good God.

God literally invented and designed it.

And therefore, men and women, humans, created in the image of God, we are designed to do this, not just physically, but also with the hormones and the emotions inside of us.

And the thing is that we desire this.

And so the question is not, is sex a good thing or a bad thing?

It's clear the Bible says this is a good thing.

But here's why I think this is important is because this is not something we need to be silent about in the church.

This is actually something that we need to talk about because sex isn't meant to produce shame, it's meant to be enjoyed.

However, a lot of times sex does become a source of shame.

And so here's what I would say is that if sex is producing shame in your life, then it's probably a red flag, it's probably a check engine light for your soul saying something is out of line with God's design for sex.

So here's what I want to do for the rest of our time, really practically, is if we are designed for this, and we are, then we would say this is a good thing, and yet inside of the bounds and the context for which God intended this to be.

So I want to talk to really two people.

I want to talk to the people who aren't married and the people who are married.

Some of this will kind of go back and forth, some of this will kind of overlap.

But as we talk about these things, here are ways that I think practically we can sabotage sexual intimacy.

We are created for this, we are designed for this, we desire this.

And yet, inside of marriage, we can sabotage this good gift that God intended for us to enjoy.

I want to talk about a few ways in which we sabotage sexual intimacy inside of marriage.

Now, you don't have to be married to do these things.

The first one is this is porn.

Pornography.

It is a billion-dollar industry in the United States.

It is accessible, it is at your fingertips.

Pretty much anytime, anywhere, you can have access to this.

I will just tell you that pornography is sabotaging your sexual intimacy, whether you are married or you are not.

I could give you a litany of reasons why.

The main one is this is because it creates false expectations.

What we have to understand is that these are paid actors, that these are literally people following a script.

And so we create these fantasies around sex in our own lives, and when we don't get those same realities or we don't experience those same fantasies with our spouse, and all of a sudden we have sexual intimacy issues inside of our marriage.

It can be both inside or outside of marriage.

You don't have to be married to understand this.

Listen, if you have some type of porn addiction or this is a habit of yours and you're not married, I promise you that one day, in hopes of getting married, you are sabotaging your sexual intimacy with your wife or your husband.

So, number one, porn.

We don't have time to talk about all of this just for time constraints.

Here's what I will say if this is you and this is something that you struggle with, can I just tell you this is what Jesus says in Matthew chapter 5.

Matthew 5 · chapter mention

Matthew chapter 5, verse 27, you have heard that it was said, do not commit adultery.

Matthew 5:27

But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

In other words, here's what Jesus says the root cause of adultery is not somebody wakes up and says, I want to cheat on my spouse.

The root cause of adultery is lust.

So here's why this is a problem is because porn is like pouring gasoline on the fire of lust.

And if you are married, what you are doing is you are literally playing with fire because you are burning these passions inside of you red hot to where at some point you are opening yourself up to this idea of adultery.

Everyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in her heart.

So here's the solution.

And here's what I would say to you.

If you struggle with this, I can't say it any more clearly or any nicer than this.

Jesus says, this is how serious this is.

If your right eye calls you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.

It is better for you to go to heaven with one eye, I'm paraphrasing, to go to heaven with one eye than to go to hell with two.

It is better that you lose one of the parts of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

If your right hand calls you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.

It is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body than for your whole body to go to hell.

Listen, I don't know how else to say it.

I don't know a stronger way to say it than how Jesus does.

If you struggle with pornography, then you need to bring it to light.

You need to talk to somebody who can help.

Because in the shadows, you're going to continue to struggle and get your butt kicked over and over and over again.

You have to go to extreme measures to cut this habit out.

Jesus says, if your right eye calls you to sin, gouge it out.

If your right hand calls you to sin, cut it off.

You need to find a way to gouge out and cut off whatever is leading to you struggling with this.

The second way that we sabotage sexual intimacy in our marriages, again, you don't have to be married to sabotage sexual intimacy because you can also set yourself up for failure down the road is this sex outside of marriage.

Now, again, I think this is one thing that can be very difficult to talk about because our society promotes this in so many different ways.

Let me just say this.

One of the ways I think Christians or people who are in the church trying to follow after Jesus, that they sabotage this, especially in their lives and in their marriages, is before they ever get married, they start to move in and they live together.

Now, why do I bring this up?

Because quite frankly, what is the reason for moving in together if this isn't part of the equation?

Or, I don't know about you, but I don't know that I am strong enough to resist that I'm living with somebody with nobody else around, and all the possibilities for us to engage in sex before marriage.

Now, again, I understand it's popular in our society.

Here's what I'm saying.

I'm saying that I think if you do this and you make this part of your routine, is that I actually think you're sabotaging sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Let me give you a couple things real quick.

The first one is this I think sex outside of marriage will almost certainly lead to sexual intimacies inside of marriage.

Here's why.

This is just data.

I don't have time to go through all the statistics.

Let me summarize it for you.

Is this statistics tell us that couples who live together before marriage are statistically more likely to divorce than couples who don't.

So if you live together before you get married, statistically you are higher risk to get divorced than people who don't.

That's just what statistics say.

Another one says this, that living together doesn't guarantee that a couple will eventually get married.

And so again, I don't know the purpose or the thought process behind it, but we live together.

Maybe it's because I've heard people say, well, don't you test drive a car before you ever uh buy it?

And I would say, yeah, but nobody wants a car with 275,000 miles on it that leaks oil.

So the reality is this I understand the concept behind it.

I'm just not sure it's logical.

And what happens is actually we think, hey, we're gonna live together and then we're gonna get married.

What statistics tell us is that actually living together before you get married doesn't actually always end up in marriage.

About 60% of time, cohabiting relationships are not married within three years.

So, in other words, you you move in together, you live together, and you say, Yeah, but we're gonna get married.

Well, statistics tell us that 60% of the time, six out of ten times, within three years of living together, you're still not married.

And so I'm not sure this is a fast track to testing it out so that you get married.

In fact, it seems like it actually does the opposite and it slows down the process.

In fact, 60% after three years are still not married.

27% of couples who live together within three years are actually not even together anymore.

And so here's why I think sex outside of marriage, and again, I'm assuming that if you're living together, you're probably having sex, is the reason why I think this happens.

I think these statistics tell a story, is because sex outside of marriage actually sabotages sex inside of marriage, because sex outside of marriage has been founded on shame and selfishness.

Here's what I mean.

I mean that before you have the commitment of marriage, before you say your vows, say your I do's, before you confirm and commit to this person, you're actually reversing the process and you're giving to this person everything that you have.

I think what happens is ultimately you are founding your sexual relationship on shame and selfishness.

Let me give you a couple quotes from psychologists that maybe give us some insight into this.

One quote is from Dave Carter, who by the way wrote a book called Anatomy and Affair.

He's what here's what he says.

He said, Your relationship is only as old as it is non-sexual.

Your relationship stops growing once it becomes sexual.

So, in other words, if you move in together, you're participating in sex before you ever get married, before you have the commitment of marriage, is what he says, his research actually tells us that your relationship stops growing.

And so, why do cohabiting couples either not get married or maybe they have a higher risk of divorce?

Well, I think it's because you're creating sexual intimacy problems down the road.

Because what you've built your relationship on actually stunted your relationship's growth.

Or, less and Leslie Parrott, who wrote a book called Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, says this pure passion is self-seeking until it is linked with intimacy.

In other words, sex outside of the commitment of a marriage is almost always self-seeking.

That means that if sex is there before marriage, before the commitment, you have built your marriage on a foundation that is first and foremost concerned with self.

And I will just tell you that a marriage that is centered on self is surely not going to survive because biblically, what we've already seen in the series is for a healthy relationship, you actually have to consider the needs of your spouse.

Then thirdly, is because when we live together and we enjoy all of these things, actually it's a way to circumvent commitment.

One author, I don't remember who said it, said it this way we want to enjoy the benefits of marriage, but we don't want to forfeit the benefits of singleness.

In other words, we're living as if we're married, but we have no foundation of commitment to fall back on.

And so I think these quotes bring to light maybe why those statistics are what they are that 60% of cohabiting couples aren't.

Actually married within three years.

They're living like it, but they have not solidified the foundation of commitment.

So, how do we sabotage sexual intimacy?

We can do that through pornography, through this virtual reality that creates unrealistic expectations.

We can do so with sex outside of marriage.

And also, this would be married, and then sex outside of marriage specifically would be an affair.

Now, here's what I know is true.

I know that not many people that I've premarital counseled with, or many people that I know ever got married and said, hey, you know what?

I want to get married now, but one day down the road I want to have an affair.

Here's what I would say is that we need to understand that nobody is immune.

Not one single person.

I don't care your career, I don't care your status of how long you've been following Jesus.

I do not care who you are, what you do, I don't care about any of that.

No one is immune.

Dave Carter, who wrote the book Anatomy of an Affair, here's what he says about affairs.

He says every single person has what he calls a dangerous person profile.

In other words, every single person on planet Earth has somebody that you don't realize that you are grossly compatible with who is not your spouse.

Doesn't mean that you're going to have an affair, it just means that that person exists.

And what he says is that there are high-risk times and high-risk behaviors that, if left unchecked, can actually lead down a road no one saw coming.

High risk times.

Some of these include times of loss, life transitions, pregnancy.

Here's why he mentions pregnancy specifically, because the focus shifts from the husband to the child, physical appearances change, you have sleep deprivation, and for a woman specifically, babies satisfy the need to be touched.

Here's what that means: that means that after pregnancy, usually sexual intimacy dries up.

And what he says is this can be a high risk time where if you're not getting it at home, then maybe you begin to subconsciously look for it elsewhere.

There are high risk times, there are also high-risk behaviors.

These are some of the high-risk behaviors that can lead unintentionally to affairs.

And when he wrote this book, he's literally writing based on the testimony of hundreds of people that he's counseled with.

High risk behaviors include opposite sex friendships, workplace affairs, or volunteer opportunities.

Why?

Because now you spend more time around other people than you do your spouse.

Soloing in public places, I would tell you this: if your job takes you alone traveling a lot, you need to be really careful because soloing in public places can be a high-risk behavior.

He goes on to say that unhappy people send out signals that other people pick up on, but happy spouses are less susceptible to temptation.

Here's what I'm saying: I'm saying that affairs usually sneak up on people and no one is immune.

One of the ways that we sabotage sexual intimacy in our relationships is that we begin to seek it elsewhere.

And then, lastly, how do we sabotage this in our own marriages?

Unmet expectations.

An unwillingness or inability to talk openly can lead to frustration, and unmet expectations turn into disappointment, and disappointment turns into resentment.

In other words, if you have unmet expectations, you begin to resent your spouse, and you begin to distance yourself from your spouse because you have unmet expectations that turn to disappointment.

That disappointment turns to resentment.

This can lead to frustration, and then all of a sudden you have distance in the relationship.

And as great greater the distance becomes, more likely it is that somebody else can step into that.

So that's ways that we can sabotage sexual intimacy in our marriages.

Here's how we can promote it.

Number one, emotional intimacy.

We talked about this last week.

Here's the reality is that sexual intimacy is tied to emotional intimacy.

This is why, by the way, most affairs start with intimacy.

This is why most affairs sneak up on people, because they never envisioned it would get to this point, because all they did was start sharing emotionally about their thoughts, their needs, their desires with somebody else.

And then because emotional intimacy is formed, without realizing it, we don't understand that emotional intimacy is fuel on the fire of sexual intimacy.

Countless stories in Dave Carter's book were I never imagined it would get to this place because we don't realize that emotional intimacy is the engine that drives sexual intimacy.

He goes on to say, Dave Carter does, is the practice, not the person that needs to be added to the marriage.

In other words, every person who has an affair, they almost always realize it wasn't the other person that I needed.

I just needed the practice of emotional intimacy in my marriage with my spouse.

The thing that was missing in my marriage that subconsciously led me to seek this somewhere else is that the practice was missing.

The emotional intimacy in my marriage was missing.

Therefore, I found it somewhere else unintentionally and I led to this devastating place.

So how do you promote it?

You promote emotional intimacy in your marriage.

What are some of the ways we do that?

Number one, you talk about sex.

Here's what I say to every premarital counseling that I meet with it's hey, you were created for sex, you designed for it, and you desire it.

This is a gift from God to be enjoyed in the confines of marriage.

So here's the thing: you need to talk about it.

You need to talk about what are the expectations, what is the frequency?

I know that sounds maybe awkward, but what is the frequency?

Because if your ideal frequency is different from your spouse's, there's probably going to be frustration somewhere, and that frustration can easily lead to disappointment that leads to resentment.

Les and Leslie Parrott say this about talking about sex is this your brain is the most important sexual organ that you have.

The human sex drive operates out of the cortex, that thin outer layer in the brain where all learning takes place.

Humans use their highly developed brains to learn how, when, where, and whether they will give expression to their sexual urges.

In other words, your brain is involved in sexual intimacy, in physical intimacy.

Therefore, you need to engage your brain in this activity.

It's one of the most important sexual organs that you have.

And so, therefore, you talk about it.

Thirdly, let me just say this.

How do you promote sexual intimacy in a marriage?

You prioritize it.

You prioritize sex.

Another author, again, I don't know who said it, but they said it this way: that distance starts in the bedroom.

And so if you have distance in the bedroom, it creates distance emotionally, it creates distance.

And anytime there is separation and distance, there's easily another thing or person that can step in between.

And so this person says the distance starts in the bedroom.

I want to read for you.

This isn't just a psychological point, this is a biblical point.

1 Corinthians chapter 7, Paul says this.

1 Corinthians 7 · chapter mention

Now, in response to the matters you wrote about, it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.

That's what they wrote to Paul.

Paul is answering them with some nuance.

In verse 2, he says this, but because sexual immorality is so common, because you were created for sex and you desire it, you have to be careful when it comes to resisting sex altogether, is what they're saying.

Paul says, just be careful because sexual immorality runs rampant.

I will tell you, in our society, sexual immorality runs rampant, whether it be virtually, digitally, online, on some website, or with some other person, it runs rampant.

So Paul says, because it is so common, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman should have sexual relations with her own husband.

A husband should fulfill his marital duties to his wife.

Likewise, a wife to her husband, a wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does.

In the same way a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does.

Here's the point.

Do not deprive one another.

Paul's talking about sex.

Do not deprive one another except when you agree for a time to devote yourselves to prayer.

Then come together again.

Now, here's why this is such a big deal.

Here's why we're spending an entire message on this is because sex is not just some practical relationship issue.

Sex is a spiritual issue.

Here, these are the words of Paul, the Apostle Paul.

He says this if you deprive one another, if you don't engage and prioritize this, he says, otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Listen to me, you have an enemy who would love for you to shipwreck your life by finding other outlets outside of the intended bounds that God created for you to enjoy sex.

You have an enemy, his name is Satan the devil, and he may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

So, what does Paul say?

Paul says that you better prioritize this.

Otherwise, you are leaving yourself at the mercy of Satan's temptations.

And he says, here's the problem: not many of us have a whole lot of self-control when it comes to this.

He goes on, I say this is a concession, not as a command.

I wish that all people were as I am, but each has his own gift from God.

One person has this gift, another has this talent.

Paul says to married couples, I don't know if it's a good idea for you to completely remain abstinent in pursuit of following Jesus.

He says, because you leave yourself susceptible to temptation.

So here's how I translate that prioritize sex.

Let me just say this real fast because I've heard this sentiment over and over and over again.

Let's just say you're not getting what you want from your spouse.

Hear me.

Withholding sex is not a punishment, it is a detriment.

Withholding sex is not a punishment, it is a detriment to sexual intimacy.

And sexual intimacy is God's gift to married couples.

It is one of the things that allows us to remain connected.

It is one of the things that promotes emotional intimacy in our marriages.

So, in summary, here's what the Bible says: sex is a good gift from a good God.

And the reason that you feel the way that you do when it comes to sex is because you were designed for it and you desire it.

It is not that sex is a bad thing.

However, it is a good gift from a good God meant to be enjoyed in the confines of marriage.

What happens is outside of the confines of marriage is that sex or acting on these sexual urges is actually a pathway to heap up shame.

So here's what I would say as we close today.

We see that sex is a good thing.

And the reason that you feel the way that you do is because God designed you for this, but inside the bounds of marriage, this is a good gift meant to be enjoyed.

What happens in our society that promotes exercising these urges in any other way outside of marriage is this that we heap up shame on ourselves.

So here's what I would say to you.

If you've built up shame because of sexual intimacy outside of the confines of God's design, you do not have to keep hiding.

And you can bring your shame to the foot of the cross and you can allow Jesus to heal and to restore you, because any time that you experience shame is a direct result of sin.

And what Jesus did is he died and paid the penalty of your sin.

So here's what I would say: if this is you and you're hearing this and you're like, man, I have some shame in my life because outside of God's design, I have been acting on these urges and these hormones and these emotions that God has given me in ways that he did not intend.

Here's what I would say to us is that the gospel is the only solution to our shame.

And the gospel allows us to be laid bare in God's eyes, where there is nothing to hide behind.

And yet, when we come clean, the Bible calls this confession and repentance.

And when we come clean in God's eyes, we are laid bare, sin and all, we are met with compassion and forgiveness because our forgiveness is purchased by the shed blood of Jesus.

So here's what I would tell you when we talk about sex the Bible says sex is a good thing because God invented it.

What I would tell you is that the reason that you feel the way that you do is because you are designed for it and you desire it.

However, inside of these particular confines, known as marriage, God intended sex to be enjoyed as a good gift.

However, sometimes we find ourselves outside of these confines and we heap shame upon ourselves.

Here's what I would say.

If you have shame in your life because you have acted on or sought out fulfillment sexually outside of God's confines of marriage, here's what I would say: bring your shame to the foot of the cross because Jesus has already paid for the sin that is producing that shame in your life.

That would be my encouragement to you is that we would see that sex is a good thing because God invented it.

We would see that the reason we feel the way that we do is because God made us with desires inside of us to be able to enjoy this.

However, sex is a good thing meant to be enjoyed inside the confines of marriage.

Any other way produces shame.

And so help us to avoid the pitfalls of pursuing these things in ways that God did not intend.

But if we find ourselves with the shame, please, I would beg you and encourage you to take it and lay it at the feet of Jesus because the gospel is the only solution to our shame.

I pray that this is helpful.

Let me pray for you.

God, we thank you for today.

Or I thank you for the opportunity that we have to talk about this very topic, or that we would realize that sex is a good thing.

That we don't have to pretend that it's not.

We don't have to try to hide from these desires and these emotions that we feel.

But Lord, help us to see sex the way that you do and to be able to enjoy it inside of the parameters and the confines that you have designed.

Or because we want to be able to enjoy a good gift, we do not want to reap the devastating consequences of doing this wrongly.

So, Lord, help us to do that in Jesus' name.

Amen.