Parenting Foundations - Week 3 - 9/23/26

All right, everyone.

That marked 10 official minutes of warm-up time.

So we're going to get rocking and rolling because this uh this week, um also just FYI, if for any reason somebody is new tonight and this is your first time, I'm Scott.

This is Robin.

And uh we're we're on week three of not perfect parenting, but how to become godly parents and just having some honest conversations about that, looking at kind of just different foundational things that we deal with in parenting this week is answering the question, how do I discipline my kids?

So it comes with a disclaimer.

Uh you know how when you used to like put on a movie, it would have that FBI warning.

If you pirate this, it's$250,000 fine, and you never knew what it meant or what that even meant.

And then you bought a CD or a DVD from some guy in New York City, and you're like, oh, I know what it means.

Yep.

So here's our$250,000 fine FBI warning for today's conversation.

Um, anytime you talk about disciplining your kids, this can be a sensitive subject for some people.

Some folks have very strong opinions on this.

So here's what I'm going to ask and encourage everyone with.

When we do break out in our conversations at table times, let's be gracious with each other.

If uh we have maybe a difference of opinions about stuff, um, because that's okay.

Uh and uh, you know, let's not uh do I need to unpack that or does everybody understand?

Everybody nod at me if you understand what I'm saying.

Yeah, let's be cool with each other, let's be honest and supportive of each other, but come on, you guys know what I'm saying.

All right, that's it.

Sorry, I saw one of our youth leaders seemingly wandering, but he's not, he's taking photos.

Um can't help it.

I just, yep, there it is.

All right, so let's dive into this.

Disciplining our kids.

All right, so here's what you want to know.

Do I do this?

Do I do this?

Do I do this?

You want the checklist of what's okay, what's not okay?

Does the Bible say this is okay?

You know, all that kind of stuff.

Here's the deal.

Uh, we're not gonna have this conversation be one of those menus where, all right, here are the different options for discipline that are available to you.

You pick the kind that you like.

This isn't that conversation.

We're actually wanting to go to the heart of it.

Because all of us bring, like we've said before, we bring our background into our parenting.

And so for a lot of us, the way we were parented, the things we saw, we either just do those because that's what we know.

And I don't know if you guys do this or not, but it's like, well, that turned out okay, you know, and you're like, it'd be fine, you know what I mean?

We didn't even wear seatbelts, you know.

I mean, it's like, well, that that was wrong then too, you know.

Like that, not like that's good.

But you either do what was done for you, or you really did not like what was done for you, and you'll kind of swing the pendulum.

And sometimes it's hard to just kind of take a step back, but we all have different experiences.

So, like when it comes to discipline, I mean, this is gonna sound very cliche, but boy being raised in the south by a Vietnam vet sergeant in the army, there was discipline was whatever was closest.

And uh there was no, you know, there was no arguing that.

And uh, I grew up getting punished for things and never really understanding why, other than just being told I'm gonna be vulnerable with you, other than just being told I had no common sense and I just back talked all the time.

And I didn't understand that.

So when I became a parent, my concept of disciplining my kids was in another galaxy as to robins, because you were raised very different.

Your parents did something different.

This would be when I ask you, would you like to share what your parents did?

So you don't stare at me awkwardly and milk that to make me feel like a dork.

Um, discipline was very different.

Uh, we had the um, you're gonna go to your room and you're gonna think about what you did, and then I'm gonna come and we're gonna have a conversation about that.

And um, I learned later uh in life that that was a twofold.

That was sometimes so they had time to calm down um before the conversation and um potentially uh think about what the consequence was going to be, or to prepare themselves for the conversation, or for my parents to be able to have time to have that conversation before they came, um, or to uh laugh about whatever it was that I had done before they came and uh had that conversation with me, but to also allow me that time to uh stew and uh sweat and think about what it was that I had done before they came in and then had that conversation with me.

And then we would have sometimes a very short conversation or sometimes very lengthy ones as well.

And I was told that um they had to have more conversations with me than any of my siblings because I'm that kid.

You're an overachiever.

I am an overachiever.

Yeah.

Also, yeah, pro tip psychological warfare with your kids, make them sweat it out.

That's basically what I heard.

Yeah.

Um, no, I'm just playing.

I think that's a good point.

Uh, and we'll talk about this.

So, and and again, different phases uh uh for your kids, right?

So, two-year-old kid, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this.

They still do it.

Oftentimes the discipline there is more what we would call redirection.

It's almost like, hey, I kept kicking this, I kept kicking this, I kept kicking this.

All right, let's turn you around, don't do that anymore, you know, like kind of one of those, you know, and and we've all done it, you know, kind of little, hey, get your attention, you know, come on up, come on back over here.

With the little ones, that can be redirection.

And as they get older, though, as they start to understand, we we exercise different approaches to discipline.

And I think one of the first things that we have to start with before we start looking at some tactical things is what is the purpose of discipline?

Because we put it and it's in your notes that you can take home.

There's multiple scriptures that discipline in its actual word when it's used, uh specifically in your Bible, is actually the word for training.

And most of the time, parents misunderstand what discipline is, so we don't do it well.

We think that discipline is punishment, or discipline is consequences.

Punishment and consequences are oftentimes elements utilized to implement discipline, but discipline, what it actually is, is training, meaning it is correction for the purpose of instruction.

So in Ephesians, Paul says that it's the discipline that comes from the instruction of the Lord, meaning there is a purpose to discipline outside of just telling a child that behavior is not okay.

Oftentimes I think as parents, we miss that.

We miss what's the goal here?

And so, like I shared vulnerably with everyone, I I became an adult and I was just thought, all right, well, I was told don't do these things because you're not supposed to do these things.

So then I became an adult and you know, job, lived outside of the house, all that stuff.

And then I learned the hard way.

Why I was not supposed to do those things.

Because no one taught me.

It was just, well, why shouldn't we do this?

You ever get this?

Because I said so.

Now, if you're a why type of person, that drives you up the wall.

You're like, I'm, but I'm gonna need to know.

And then you get told, don't back talk.

And you're like, I don't, I don't even know, I'm not talking backwards at all.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Like, how help me understand?

But you're 12 or you're 10, and you don't know how to articulate the fact that you just want to understand why this thing is not okay.

And so it comes out as back talk or disrespect.

And so I'll share just a story because Robin helped me in this area personally.

Our uh our son is a justice-minded person, and so uh we think he would be a litigator one day.

So he might be.

So we have to really, really work hard to fuel his college fund because he might go to law school.

He's one of those.

And so we, you know, for years, we would correct him, and then he would, in my eyes, argue and back talk.

And so then I would punish the arguing and back talk, and it was like, don't, don't argue.

And he would look at me confused, and then his confusion, because he's a little kid and doesn't know how to communicate his confusion, his confusion manifested itself as anger.

So then we just in this vicious cycle of just me going to Robin, he just he is disrespectful, he just talks back, he just argues, and she was like, I don't think that's what he's doing.

And again, you know, I have that moment, you have that moment with your spouse, you're like, you don't know, you know, and then she's just like she's like, yeah, maybe you also need a timeout, you know.

And so we ended up having those conversations because you basically came to me and said, All right, this was your experience growing up.

So you've taken that out on him.

And we realized he wasn't back talking, he sincerely wanted to know, Dad, help me understand why this is wrong and why that matters.

But an eight-year-old kid is not going to say that to you.

And you had to help me see that in a big time, big time way.

Well, it's true, like a child doesn't know how to word.

So, for instance, once uh a similar situation happened with me where you know, mom goes, Um, I want you to empty the dishwasher.

And in my mind, what I'm actually thinking is as a child, why do I need to do it right now?

Um, my friends are outside playing or my favorite TV show is on, right?

But all I'm thinking is is why.

I don't know how to articulate at a younger age.

Do I need to do it right now?

Can I wait and do it later?

Because I don't know how to formulate all of that.

So all I know to do is just to say why.

And so then it's are you back talking me?

How I just told you to do something, your job is to do what I tell you to do.

So now dad's gonna come home and say, Did you back talk your mom?

So all I know to do is to say yes.

So now go to your room and think about what you did.

And now I'm going to be punished for back talking my mom.

And so that is what we're trying.

And so knowing that that was an experience that I had and seeing that in my son, I go to him and I say, I think that this is what's happening.

So let's actually ask questions instead of just immediately jumping to a conclusion.

If he's asking us a question, let's meet back with a question.

Let's help our child formulate and let's train, let's discipline, let's train right our child to now formulate how to communicate and let's teach the respect.

Because if it's coming across in a tone that's disrespectful, then that is something that we that's a different conversation, right?

But let's actually learn our child.

Let's learn.

And that's tough because so, especially, you know, if there's two of you and you're doing this thing, um, it's gonna require some grace on both ends because you're gonna feel like you're an episode of Sesame Street, and your spouse is looking at you like, L spells this word, and you're like, you're talking to me like I'm a moron, and I don't care for that.

But the reality is she was just trying to help me see something that I just couldn't see because my background was no, this is what's going on.

And if you can be gracious with each other to listen and learn, and that's crucial, is that you become aligned.

So, like your parents took pauses to also align themselves with how are we going to communicate?

Otherwise, you become good cop, bad cop, and you do not want that in your home because then here's what happens kids play you against each other because they know, they know, like, well, mom will give me this, or dad will give me that.

It's the same thing with like treats.

It's like we asked for a cookie, dad said no, let's go ask mom, you know, or vice versa, right?

They'll do that.

If you're not careful, here's what'll happen you'll start to pit yourselves against each other, and it will create marital tension because all because you just didn't sink up in, hey, hey, hey, we are going to do this.

Like that was a big deal, I think, for us too was very, very helpful because you I think the two biggest pitfalls in disciplining as parents is one, we don't know what the purpose of discipline is.

And remember, the purpose of discipline is training your children, it is correction for the purpose of instruction.

Because the goal with any discipline is for you to deploy what you learn in life.

Like that's the goal of raising kids, right?

Is we're not raising kids, we're raising human beings while they are kids so that when they are adults, they know how to function, and then we become consultants almost as parents, and hopefully that they're they're deploying the things that they that we have disciplined them to learn.

So the pitfall number one is that we don't understand what discipline is.

Pifall number two is that things get lost in translation when we discipline, because we think discipline is punishment or consequences, and we're not actually teaching our kids why this is not a wise decision, what can happen as a result of it, and why we want you to learn this.

Because we we were talking about this earlier when Silas was little, we would discipline him and we would be like, okay, but because I'm I'm jumping on board the train of we need to teach.

We need to teach, we need to teach.

That's the goal.

So I'll say, okay, but now do you know why this?

Because sometimes consequences take care of themselves, right?

Don't touch the hot stove.

They touch the hot stove.

Ow.

Well, nature takes shape, right?

Like it's just, well, that hurt.

I don't need to do anything to you.

That hurt.

Other times, you attach a consequence because you're trying to reinforce something to get them to think.

It's not consequence for consequence's sake.

It's so they understand.

Hey, real world, if you speed, guess what?

They're going to give you a ticket.

There are results of your choices.

And so, Silas, we'd sit down.

Okay, but do you know why mom and dad are doing this?

And he would go, Yeah, because you guys are the kings, and you just want me to do whatever you say because you're the kings.

And I was like, Well, we both can't be kings, so which one of us is the king?

Mom.

Fair enough.

But you're you're looking at him and it's like, okay, he doesn't understand, you know, like they're young.

And so it's a constant practice.

Because you think in your mind as an adult, you're like, well, I told you why this was wrong.

Well, I told you.

Yeah, but they did it 14 more times.

You're like, how are you not getting this?

Well, it's the same reason you got to tell them six years in a row to brush their teeth every day.

Like it's repetition, right?

Like, that's and that is those two pitfalls can cause frustration sometimes.

And so you end up disciplining out of anger and in the moment.

And what's interesting is maybe you've had these situations we have where your kid did something out of anger, and then you got angry about them being angry, so then you disciplined them out of anger, and you just punished them.

You didn't actually teach them, and you both were just still angry.

And it was like, well, there you go.

What did we accomplish?

Absolutely nothing.

And it's because we forget in the moment what's discipline all about, can we take a pause?

And I think for us, that's been a big tactical help is again, different age, there's a redirect, and that sort of thing.

That's not, but if you really want your kids to learn, if what they feel from you, listen to this, because I I have been, I'm gonna pay the dumb tax on this.

If what they feel from you when you discipline them is threatened, you're not disciplining them.

Your kids need to feel taught, not threatened.

If the whole thing is, well, I don't want to do this because I might get in trouble, then we have not disciplined our kids well.

We have simply threatened them with something bad will happen if I do something bad.

That can be a way to teach them there are consequences to our choices, but if we are going to actually discipline our kids, correction with the purpose of instruction so that they can deploy what they've disciplined, we have to see discipline as an opportunity to teach.

And sometimes that actually requires, and this is going to take humility on parents, and and Robin brought this up before we came up, and she can speak to this better than I can.

Sometimes you have to sit down actually with your kids and ask them, hey, when you received this discipline, what did you learn?

Like we start asking that question.

What did you learn?

What did you learn?

And that will often open your eyes as a parent to how you're doing disciplining you.

Because then sometimes you're gonna you're gonna step in it as a parent, you're gonna discipline out of anger, you're gonna punish out of anger, and you're gonna have to go back to your kids and say the three magic words that are so powerful with your kids.

I'm gonna encourage you to write them down.

I was wrong.

That you brought up before we came on, and I thought that was brilliant.

Because I had two last Thursday.

We were here Wednesday, literally the next night.

Hope and I got in it.

And Silas caught some shrapnel, and I had to go back to him.

And I was like, buddy, I was wrong.

I was wrong.

I'm so sorry.

You were right, I was wrong.

Will you please forgive me?

And he was like, Yeah, mom, I yeah.

And it happens, you know?

It happens to all of us.

So we have to do that.

Yeah, because I think sometimes as parents, when it comes to disciplining our kids, we will tell this, we'll say this to ours, like, hey, we're not teaching you this so we can prove to you we know more things about life than you.

We're old, our knees hurt.

We know we don't need to tell you.

We're teaching you this so that you can learn things.

And when you open the door for those honest conversations with your kids, it just changes the tone of your discipline conversations because then they know okay, mom or dad or whoever, they want to help me, not just punish me.

And that's a big deal.

And and there's another thing, too, because I think with discipline, the reflex, and this is normal too.

So if you're like, oh, I've done all these things, well, welcome to the club.

It's normal to be so focused on correcting the behavior that you throw out like hard-line reasons that aren't actually reasons enough to teach your kids.

So, like, and you'll see this when you're out and about, and like I I watched a dad at Target last week yell at his daughter, who was probably seven, and in front of the mom yell at his daughter and tell her it was because she was stupid.

And I saw that in Target, and I didn't say anything because I was with my daughter, and I was like, Oh Lord, I just hugged her, I just hugged her and said, Lord, help them and help me keep my mouth shut.

You know what I mean?

It was one of those like, and because sincerely I wanted to be like, hey man, can I invite you guys to parenting foundations?

But then I was I was gonna be like, this guy's not in the mood to talk to me.

You know, I'm gonna pastor down the road, he's gonna be like, yeah, I don't ever want to go there, right?

It was kind of sense the tone of the moment, right?

But you think about it though, sometimes that we get so extreme in things like that, or our kids misbehaving, and we want to correct the behavior very quickly because we're afraid of what other people are gonna think about us.

And it's like, well, no, no, no, they can't know.

But I'm so and so.

They cannot know that my kid is attitudinal, you know?

It's like, come on, man.

Or we just don't want them to do it anymore.

And so our approach ends with, well, I fixed the behavior.

Success.

But it's not success because here's what we end up doing: we end up teaching our kids what to think.

But the purpose of discipline is not just to teach our kids what to think, is to teach our kids how to think.

What is wise?

What are the skills for righteous living?

What does it mean when you say there are consequences to choices?

How do I ascertain that?

How do I interact with that?

How do I think before I act, right?

There's that level.

And that is super important for Christian parents.

We'll do this, we'll do this, and this might get all up in your business, and I love you, but I want to say this very lovingly to go the extra mile here.

What we'll often do as Christian parents is, well, why shouldn't we do this?

Because the Bible says don't.

And then they're like, show me, and then you go, uh, I didn't expect to get called out.

You're like, somebody told me the Bible says it did.

I didn't know.

But here's the deal.

While that at its foundational core is good and we should be, we should be guided by God's word as parents.

But if all our kids ever hear for 18 years is don't do this because the Bible says so, but we don't actually take them to where the Bible says it and tell them why the Bible says it and tell them why that is good for them to learn, then they're gonna grow up just thinking, well, the Bible says I can't do all these things, but now that I'm 18, I'm out of my parents' house and I'm gonna do all the things.

And then they're gonna have to learn the hard way.

Because we didn't actually discipline them with the instruction of the Lord.

We utilized different reasons just to get them to stop doing a thing.

Punishment and consequences, and just putting a band-aid on behavior is not discipline.

Anger is not discipline, fear is not discipline.

I mean, because I do this and I'll admit this in front of everyone.

Robin's the more sensible, and I'm the more romantic, which means if our kid lied about getting a bad grade on a test, they're gonna end up in jail.

And she's like, chill out, you know?

And I go into I'm gonna sit them down for three hours and talk to them how lying leads to death and destruction.

And Robin's like, relax, you know, because we tend to discipline through that lens.

And I go, Yeah, of course they did.

They were like 13 and 16-year-old.

Of course they lied about it.

And I hate that to this day.

Because again, so again, we had different backgrounds, right?

Like I was just honest with my parents.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna do this.

You're not gonna want to hear what I'm gonna say, but this is what I'm gonna go do.

Mom would sit there, like I shared, week one.

I'll be here praying, right?

So discipline takes different shapes in our lives.

As we approach our kids, we need to remember what discipline is it's correction with the purpose of instruction for wise, God-honoring living.

We need to be aligned with no good cop, bad cop.

And we need to remember we're teaching our kids how to think, not just what to think.

And here's a bonus before we break out.

And Robin has done this and has a story about this.

Sometimes, when we discipline our kids, even though they've earned a consequence, sometimes take an opportunity to teach your kids about grace by explaining to them this would be the standard consequence for this choice.

You're not going to receive that in this instance.

Right.

Because I'm going to teach you about something called unmerited favor and this thing of grace.

Because your kids also remember how you disciplined them.

And if discipline is correction for the purpose of instruction unto the Lord, then the way we discipline our kids must reflect Jesus.

And Jesus is full of grace and truth.

So discipline should be a combination of those things too.

That is something you shared with me that your parents did for you.

Yeah, I I don't remember what it was that I did.

I don't remember what it was.

I was eight years old.

Um, I remember the house that we lived in on Pepper Drive.

I remember my bedroom, my canopy bed.

I I remember it was an evening.

Um, I had done something, and my dad came in the room.

I had spent some time in there thinking about what it was that I had done, but apparently not hard enough because I don't remember what it was.

But again, I spent many times thinking about many things I did.

And uh dad came in and we had our conversation and he was about to spank me.

That was the typical punishment at that time in my life.

And um he said, tonight, that's that's not what that's not what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna extend grace, and I want to talk to you about what the word grace means and what it means in the Bible, and how Jesus extended grace to us by and how God extended grace by sending his son.

And uh, we spent about 45 minutes, 30, 45 minutes um talking about it.

I remember as an eight-year-old girl and him um just explaining um God's grace to us, and that has stuck with me, that that moment and remembering not that I escaped a spanking, but the fact that we talked about that for a good amount of time and that time with my dad.

And that wasn't the only time that grace was extended, but that was the first time that I really remember us spending that kind of time together and um and talking through that, and that's something that we too have um done with our children as well.

Yeah, when you consider that as a parent you are shaping and training another person, there's a terrible weight to that, and it's a reminder that your kids will remember the way you discipline them.

It matters.

Now, before we break out into groups, I do want to say this just as an appendix to the conversation.

If you're like, oh man, I have messed up in this area quite, I have punished out of anger, I have done this.

Uh, I'm going to simply say this.

Breathe.

No one's batting a thousand at this, which is why we learn these things together.

And we also give grace to ourselves.

And if grace is a covering over your parenting, it will allow you to have loving conversations with your kids, loving conversations with each other as you align, and forgiveness.

Because part of discipline is also highlighting for your kids what forgiveness looks like.

Because discipline does not mean defining our kids by the things they did wrong.

Discipline is correction with instruction as unto the Lord.

So they will see grace, forgiveness, and truth if we're doing discipline well, so that as they grow, they can deploy the things that they feel, see, hear, and learn.

And as they experience that, it grows together.

All right, we want to give ample time for discussions.

So that's it for us.

You guys enjoy diving into such a topic.

Just waiting a few weeks, it's the birds and the bees, so we're just going there.

Hey oh.