Rick Warren - How to Get a Marriage Makeover—Part Three

Everybody longs for deep, lasting love. But strong relationships don't

just happen by accident. Today on Pastor Rick's Daily Hope,

we're continuing our series called Finding and Keeping the Love

of Your Life. Rick Warren will share practical, biblical wisdom

for building healthier, stronger, Christ-centered relationships. So, whether you're single, dating, engaged,

or married, this series will help you grow in love, communication,

and lasting commitment. And now here's Rick with the final

part of a message called How to Get a Marriage Makeover.

Now let me give you a little suggestion from 28

years in my own marriage. Tackle one problem at a time.

Don't try to solve them all at once. Take the

easiest problem in your marriage to solve and solve that one.

Then solve the next easiest. Then solve the next easiest.

And get some wins under your belt. Get some successes

under your belt before you start attempting the moderate problems

and then the real big ones. Get some wins there first.

And then you will accept responsibility for your marriage. Tom's

going to talk about the next one.

The B in this marriage makeover stands for believe. Believe

God can change my marriage. Believe that God can change

my marriage. I don't know how you're feeling about your

marriage right now. Some of you, as you look at

your marriage, may be feeling a sense of deep hurt

about your marriage and what's been happening. Some of you

may be feeling a sense of apathy. Some of you

may be feeling a real sense of deep disappointment about

your marriage. There may be some of you who are

honestly feeling, even with all this talk about marriage, that

it's hopeless right now. That there really is no hope

for your marriage. Regardless of how you feel about your marriage,

let me tell you one truth. God has not given

up on your marriage. God can do what we can't do.

Look at this next verse in your outline. In fact,

would you read it with me? Matthew 19, verse 26.

Matthew 19:26

Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God, everything is possible.

God can do what we can't do. Now let's just

be brutally honest for just a second. When I said

just a minute ago, God has not given up on

your marriage, some of you were thinking, I wish he would.

You really were? Because if God hasn't given up on

my marriage, that means I can't give up. If only

God would give up, then I'd have the freedom to

give up on my marriage. And when I say God

hasn't given up, some of you, it's like clang, you

heard the prison door shut one more time, the key lock.

But instead of being angry at God... for not giving up.

Instead of being angry at God for saying that he

hates divorce, for just a second, ask yourself why. Why

doesn't God give up on a marriage? It's not because

he wants to trap you. It's not because he wants

to make your life miserable. It is because he has

your best interest at heart. He hates divorce because he

knows how it hurts his children. He wants your marriage

to work because he knows the joy that it can

bring to your life of fulfilling a new relationship. And

so that's why God doesn't give up. That's why God

continues to give us strength that we cannot find on

our own. The real question is right now, how are

you looking at your marriage? From a human perspective, yeah,

maybe it does look impossible. Or you're looking at it

from God's perspective, that he can do what we cannot do.

God can resurrect a dead marriage. God can resurrect a

dead love life. God can resurrect dead finances. God can

resurrect dead communication. He can do what we cannot do.

So it begins with you and I believing that he

can do that. Believe that God can change your marriage.

And once you've done that, you're ready for C. C

is commit. Commit to doing whatever it takes. Galatians 6,

9 says this. Let us not get tired of doing

what is right. For after a while, you might circle

those words after a while. After a while, we will

reap a harvest of blessing if we don't get discouraged

and give up. You ever hear anybody say, wow, look,

they have a great marriage. Aren't they lucky?

You ever hear that?

They're not lucky. You ever see somebody that has a

great marriage, they'll tell you this, it didn't come out

of luck. It came because they put a lot of

effort into that relationship. Great marriages don't just happen. And

if your marriage is going to get better, if your

marriage is going to begin to improve, if a good

marriage that you have is even going to become a

great marriage, it's going to take real effort. It takes humility.

It takes honesty. It takes unselfishness. It takes the willingness

to admit that you're wrong. It takes the willingness to change.

It takes persistence. It takes faith. More than anything, it

takes time. Great relationships come out of all these things

being applied over time. If your relationship is in trouble,

struggling right now, it didn't get there overnight, did it?

It took a lot of time. And it's going to

take a lot of time for it to begin to improve.

That's just the honest truth of human life. A lot

of people think, you know... I'm in this bad relationship.

It's not working. You know, if I could just get

out of this relationship, get in a different relationship, everything

would be better. Not realizing that if you take you

out of this relationship and you put you into this

new relationship, you take you with you. That's a problem

because you're part of the problem. And once you and

I begin to own that, then we can begin to

work on the relationship that we're in right now. Don't

give up too soon. The truth is it will cost

you to have a great marriage. But it will cost

you much, much more to go through a divorce. Just

ask anyone who's gone through one.

They'll tell you.

So put the effort in, the great effort. Now, if

you're a normal human being, you're probably sitting there thinking,

I don't feel like it. I don't know where I'm

going to find the emotional energy, honestly. I know that's

a great idea, but where am I going to find

the emotional energy to put that kind of effort into

a relationship that I'm not sure I want to make work? Well,

here's the two places you find the energy, the emotional

energy to start to make the effort. You pray and

you obey. You might write those two words down. You

pray and you obey. You pray, you say, God, I

don't have the energy on my own. I need strength

from you that I can't find on my own. You

make it a communication with God and then you obey.

You say, God, I know you have my best interest

at heart. Help me to do what you've shown me

to do. Just take one step at a time, one

foot in front of the other, obeying you in this relationship.

You do the right thing anyway. That's what maturity is

all about. Last week we talked about the fact that

feelings always follow actions. When you pray and then you obey,

then the feelings begin to come. Don't wait for the

feelings first. They'll begin to come as you pray and

you obey. There's a fourth step. There's a D in

this A, B, C, D, E, F. And that is

you deal with unresolved hurt. In the back of your outline,

deal with unresolved hurt. You do that two ways. By

asking for forgiveness and by offering forgiveness. By asking for forgiveness,

James 5, 16 says this. Let's read it together. Admit

your faults to one another and pray for each other

so that you may be healed. Admit to somebody that

you're wrong. Ask forgiveness. Let me just give you a

practical example of this. Let's suppose you have an unbelieving spouse.

You may need to ask their forgiveness for being self-righteous,

for being pushy. You may be one of those people who,

in trying, you so want them to know God. In

trying to get them to know God, you have these

little tricks, like you put gospel tracks on the toilet.

You know those kind of little tricks I'm talking about?

And they're being pushed away from God and pushed away

from you by your honest desire for them to know God.

Maybe you need to go to them and say, I'm sorry.

I admit, out of this honest desire for you to

know God, I've been pushy, and I ask for your

forgiveness for that. There's three little words we all have

to learn to say in a relationship. In fact, these

are very difficult words for some of you, so we're

going to practice them together, all right? The three words are,

I was wrong. Let's say them together, okay? Some of you,

it's going to be tough, but let's try it, okay?

I was wrong. In fact, I want to say that

together again in just a minute. Some of you, you

had an argument on the way to church today. You're

sitting there thinking, why are we talking about this today

after this argument? What I want you to do when

we say it again, you might want to just sneak

your hand over to your husband or your wife and

just squeeze their hand as we say this saying, hey,

I'm saying I was wrong. Let's say it one more

time together. I was wrong. There's something about those words

that can heal a relationship in an incredible way. You

ask for forgiveness, but then you also offer forgiveness. Colossians 3.13

says this, be gentle and ready to forgive. Never hold grudges.

Remember the Lord forgave you and so you must forgive others.

Your marriage will not make it without forgiveness on a

daily basis. Shondell and I just this last week celebrated

our 25th wedding anniversary. Yeah. And we got away for

a week after our anniversary. We had the most wonderful

time together. As close as we are, we've never felt closer.

When we got back, we were talking yesterday, we noticed

as soon as we got back, as wonderful as our

time away was, we began to disagree about things. See,

while we were gone, the biggest decision of the day

was what's for lunch. It's hard not to disagree about

some of those things. But when we got back, all

of a sudden you're in real life. And in real

life you have real issues. You have real problems. Just

admit it. And let's just admit it. We're all real

stubborn about real life. And because of that you're going

to have disagreements because you see things differently. That's what

life is like. And sometimes we say the wrong things.

Sometimes we say hurtful things. Sometimes we say things that

are unthinking. And so forgiveness has to be a daily

decision in a relationship. You have to offer forgiveness on

a daily basis. If you've decided I'm not going to

forgive them, you are ruining your marriage. Because you need

their forgiveness and they need your forgiveness on a daily basis.

Now there's an E in this process of a marriage makeover.

An E stands for enlist, support, from others. Don't face

it alone. Enlist support from others. This is important because

there's a lot of places you can find a lack

of support. The truth is, our culture tends to work

against a successful marriage. You can find plenty of places,

you can find plenty of people who will say to you, hey,

just get out. Take the easy road. Don't go through this.

You need to be happy. All these phrases that make

you feel like, well, maybe I should just get out.

So you've got to find some people that will support

your strengthening of your relationships. It may be a wise friend.

It may be a church counselor. It may be a

marriage mentor, a couple that you find that has a

great marriage that you decide to spend time with so

that you can learn from them. I want to say

something to you that you may not like hearing. And

the truth is, I don't like saying it, but in 25,

30 years of ministry, I found it to be true.

Some of the worst people to go to when your

marriage is in trouble are your parents. And here's why.

You're their little boy. You're their little girl. And if

you're hurting, they just want you to get out of

that hurt. I've seen some of the wisest parents who

would give anybody else the greatest advice in the world

give their kids the worst advice when they're facing marriage problems.

Go to your parents for comfort, that's fine. But if

you need advice to make it through, you're going to

probably need to find some other people to give you

the strength to make it through the tough times. The

Bible has a couple of verses about the support and

strength that we can find Proverbs 24, verse 3 says,

Proverbs 24:3

it takes wisdom to have a good family. And it

takes understanding to make it strong. And Proverbs 19, 20 says,

let's read this verse together. Get all the advice and

instruction that you can.

Now I know that Tom and I have been a

little tough on you today. We've been beating you up.

But it's because we care about your marriage. We do.

We really do. And we want Saddleback Church to be

full of healthy, strong, growing, fulfilling marriages. And God wants that.

And sometimes the truth hurts. Kay and I were about

that far away from a divorce. I mean, we were

a hair's breadth away. We were in marital hell. And

I remember in the depth of my despair, I cried

out to God and I said, God, I cannot make

this marriage work. Nothing's working. I cannot make this marriage work.

But I believe you can. So I'm not going to

give up I look back now and I think, I

am so glad that we didn't give up. I'm so

glad that I didn't give up. I am so glad

that my wife Kay didn't give up. I am so

glad that God did not give up on us because

history would be permanently changed if we had given up.

I held my first granddaughter. And as I looked at

that beautiful little baby girl, I thought, I am so

glad we didn't give up. And when I look out

on all of you, I think I'm glad we didn't

give up. And when I think of the influence that

you are having on other people and this church is

having on the world, I think I'm glad we didn't

give up. And I hope you won't either. I hope

you won't either. I hope you'll say, I'm not going

to give up. Some of you say, you know, I

would love for my marriage to work and I'm just

too tired of trying. I've hit the brick wall too

many times. I'm out of steam. I'm out of energy.

I don't have anything left to give. I feel powerless

to change my marriage. Good. That's the first step to recovery.

I admit my powerlessness. It's out of my control. God,

I've got to give it to you. And that's why

the most important step in a marriage makeover is this

next one.

Focus.

Focus.

Focus on trusting Jesus. Focus on trusting Jesus. You've got

to get him at the center of your life and marriage.

And the easiest thing to do in life is to

lose your focus. Hebrews 12 says we must focus on Jesus,

the source and goal of our faith. I said it

last week, I'm going to say it again. Marriage is

a three-legged stool. It takes three to make a marriage work. You,

your spouse, and God. A two-legged stool is going to

fall over. It has no stability. It takes three. God

never meant for marriage to just be two. God meant

for marriage to be three. You, your spouse, and God.

And you need to put Christ at the center of

your life and at the center of your marriage. And

my advice to you, whether you're in harmony or whether

you're in hostility or whether you're in apathy, is give

it to God. The Bible says this. God, who is

at work within you, will give you the will and

the power to achieve his purpose. Now, you may need

some counseling. You may need to get in a small group.

You may need to read some Christian books on marriage.

But what you really need is Christ at the center

of your life. Because if Jesus is in you and

Jesus is in your spouse, Jesus gets along with Jesus.

There's no problem there. You say, but I don't love

him anymore. Well, so what? That makes it sound like

it's uncontrollable, like I can't help myself. Love is a choice,

just like happiness is a choice. You choose to love

the people you love and you choose to not love

the people you don't love. It's a choice. It's not

like it's out of your control. And if you choose

to love, the feelings will return. You say, I just

don't have a heart for it. Look at the next verse.

God says, I'll give you a new heart and I'll

put a new spirit within you. Now, some of you

are thinking, I married the wrong person at the wrong

time in the wrong way. What should I do? Leave

them and divorce? God says, no. You made a vow.

Let me do a miracle makeover. I will change you.

I will change your partner. And I will give you

the marriage you have always dreamed of. If you'll let

me do it. If you'll do it my way. God

can do that. I received this prayer in a card

somebody wrote and dropped in a basket a while back.

It says, Dear Lord, thank you for taking my sinful

decision in choosing a spouse and making it into a

beautiful thing. Only your power could rectify the poor decisions

I've made. You've cleansed our marriage and blessed us with

love and joy. And Lord, I praise you because of

you today, I'm a more beautiful person than I was.

Thank you. It's not that you married the wrong person.

It's you're just doing marriage in the wrong way. Let

me pray for you. Let's bow our heads. Father, there

are many couples here today who are struggling. Would you

please help them? And there are those who are here

today who are separated from each other. Would you help them?

There are others here today who are considering divorce. Would

you help them? And there are those who stayed together,

but there's no spark anymore. Would you help them? Now

you pray. Say, dear God, I want to accept responsibility

for my part of the marriage. I'm going to quit

blaming and fantasizing and wondering if only. I'm going to

stop criticizing and comparing Instead, I want to believe that

you can change my marriage. And today, I commit to

doing whatever it takes. If that means getting counseling and

making radical changes, then give me the strength to do it.

Help us to deal with unresolved hurt. Give me the

courage to ask forgiveness for what I've done wrong and

the grace to offer forgiveness for how I've been hurt.

I don't want to grow into an old, bitter person.

help us to get some support in a small group

to get help and wise counsel most of all Jesus

we need you in the middle of our marriage you

are the glue that can hold us together and do

the miracle makeover So today, Jesus, I ask you to

save me and save my marriage. Make me a new person.

Give me a new marriage. Put us back together, not

in the old way, but in a brand new way

for the rest of our lives. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. Now, friends,

if you just prayed to accept Jesus Christ in your life,

I'd love to hear about it. Please let me know

about it. You know, if you get married, you want

to tell other people about it. If you give your

life to Christ, you want to tell other people about it.

So just email me, okay? Please, rick at pastorrick.com. It's

pretty easy to remember, rick at pastorrick.com. And let me

know your story if you've accepted Christ into your life.

We'll send you some free tools. that'll help you get

started on your spiritual journey.

What a special message from Pastor Rick. And now let's

hear how lives are changing through Daily Hope. Here's Rick

with a letter from one of our listeners.

You know, we get letters and emails from people all

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that I got from a listener in Indonesia. His name

is Steven and he's 12 years old. He wrote, Dear

Pastor Rick, Thank you for the powerful way that you've

impacted my life. I'm just a 12-year-old schoolboy in Jakarta, Indonesia,

but I listen to the broadcast every morning on the

way to school. My life has changed completely this year.

I'm at a new school, and my family's just about

recovered from some financial problems, but I'm still having to

learn a whole new way of life. Some days I

really feel bad, and I ask God to help me.

But then the Daily Hope broadcast comes on the radio

and you always say something that helps me feel better.

And I know that at that moment, God is trying

to speak directly to me through you. So thank you

ever so much. Well, thank you ever so much, Stephen.

I love hearing from people like you literally all around

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