Never Alone

I will never, ever, under any circumstances, leave you.

Another paraphrase is, because of my nature, it is an utter impossibility for me to forsake you, ever.

He promised he'd be with you.

He promised you won't be alone, no matter what you feel like, no matter what you're going through.

Hallelujah.

For he himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Welcome to the City Light Church podcast.

Thanks for joining us today as we look into God's Word and discover the hope and truth that He has for us.

If you want to connect with City Light Church, feel free to visit us at citylightnyc.com.

That's citylightnyc.com.

Pastor Boyan Jancic and his team believe that the power of the Holy Spirit is already working in our hearts and minds.

As you listen to today's teaching, remember that you are deeply loved by God, that you are surrounded by His grace, and that He has a real hope and a future for you.

Before I begin ministering, I just want to remind you that God, He does things by His anointing.

Hallelujah.

It's all about the oil.

Amen.

Yet somehow we have a Christianity without oil.

What is an un-oily, un-anointed Christianity?

It's dead religion.

You know what I think America began?

Its rapid decline?

No, you're right, feminism, that's true.

That everything went downhill.

That's true.

All right, but the second thing is the fat-free movement.

I've been taking shots of olive oil.

Every time I pass by the kitchen, I have a tablespoon of butter.

And fat is leaving me.

And I realized Satan loves fat free.

Then I looked in the Bible.

And it says all this wonderful stuff about fat.

You know the scriptures it says.

That the yoke will be destroyed.

Because of the anointing.

In the Hebrew that's actually fatness.

The yoke of bondage will be destroyed.

As the necks get fatter and fatter.

And it's destroyed.

Fatness is good.

I mean, it's not good to be fat, but fatness is good.

No, no, track with me, hang with me for a second.

The choicest part of the meats were the fatty cuts.

I'm eating two pounds of ground beef a day now.

My blood work has never been better.

I've never felt stronger.

You haven't tuned in to the nutrition channel.

And I didn't share this in the first service.

This is just what's coming out.

In fact, the anointing on me to eat meat and fat is so strong, it's actually touched my wife.

Amen.

Oh, she's eating organ meats now.

If you ever look at my wife and say, what's her secret?

Fat.

Organ meats.

No, but listen.

Oil is a sign of the anointing.

Fatness is from God.

By the way, I know if you're like, what is this guy saying?

You've been brainwashed by the machine and the agenda.

Do you know all the vitamins, all the nutrients, all the minerals are actually in the fatty part of the animal?

You know what the first thing that happened as Lois and Clark and his whole team pushed out west?

What they noticed?

They were all eating rabbits.

They couldn't have any food, but the rabbits abounded.

And a rabbit is some of the leanest meat.

And they were eating pounds and pounds of rabbits, and they actually were starving to death.

Their body was consuming itself, consuming its own muscle, because when you just eat lean without fat, your body's starved for nutrition.

So fatten is good.

That's why the scripture says, eat the fat.

Have a little wine with it.

Drink the sweet.

Because it's a symbol of the power of God.

It's a symbol of the anointing.

And the anointing, the oil of God, the power of God, is what gets the job done.

So churches that just have a charismatic, inspirational speaker, they can attract large people.

Audiences, but the audiences will remain unchanged.

What does the work in a service and throughout the week is the power of God.

My faith is to see the power of God flow to you, to touch you, but then that throughout the week you will engage the power of God.

That's your homework assignment.

By the way, do you notice I don't give homework?

Like sometimes there's churches, you come every Sunday and it's just one to-do list after another.

He doesn't say I'm giving homework, but oh, I got to do this now.

I got to do that now.

And that's religion.

Then you're just another hamster on another wheel.

I got to keep doing.

I got to keep doing.

I got to keep going.

I got to.

I got to.

And then you go online and everything is six steps to nine paths.

You got to.

Everything is do, do, do.

And your whole life's covered in do, do and smells like it too.

So I don't give homework, I don't give to do, but this is, let me just one time here.

Is your homework, which should be a daily Christian practice, is learn how to engage the power of God.

If you're not engaging the power of God, don't be condemned.

But be thou convicted by a divine pinprick in your booty.

Just a whoop.

Be pinpricked.

That you must learn to engage the power.

I don't know how that works.

Practice.

Be bold enough and courageous enough to practice.

Go into a private room.

Close the door.

And just begin talking to God.

And ask him, touch me with your power.

Reveal your Holy Spirit to me.

I don't want dead religion.

I don't want just a works program.

I don't want a nice church.

I read through the scriptures and you're alive and you're present and you're working.

And that's, Lord, what I want in my life.

I want the day of Pentecost.

I want the book of Acts.

I want the gifts of the Spirit.

I want to know you.

I want to be like the Apostle Paul who said, I am determined to know him.

I want to know him in the power of his resurrection.

And in the fellowship of his sufferings, which we'll get to today.

I want to know him.

Because if you hear today's message...

And you're not engaging in the power of God.

It's just words.

And they just temporarily maybe make you feel good, temporarily encourage you.

And then you forgot 95% of what was said on the subway ride home.

No, the power of God does the work.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

It gets the job done.

If you've been baptized in the Holy Spirit and you speak in tongues, speak in tongues every day.

If you haven't been baptized in the Holy Spirit, I highly recommend it.

And it's available to you.

And frankly, it's not optional.

Jesus didn't say, you know, if you're one of the dedicated ones, receive you the Holy Ghost.

He told everyone.

Receive the Holy Spirit.

Told his disciples, don't even think of going out there until you're endued with power from on high.

And if you don't know what I'm talking about, on your way out, there's a blue book and a red book.

Take both.

It's like a 10-minute read each.

And read them.

And then read them again and read them one more time.

And get hungry.

And have a God encounter.

Hallelujah.

What is Christianity but a God encounter?

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

And Christianity is really God pursuing man.

And yes, he asked that you pursue him aggressively, pursue him back.

But all throughout the scriptures, there is a common theme, and that's God pursuing man.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Let me just read to you a few of those.

The Christian life is not the story of people trying to reach a distant God.

It is a story of a God who continually pursues and comes to his people.

He came walking in the garden after Adam fell.

He came to Abraham.

Yes.

He came to Moses in the burning bush.

He came when Elijah was all depressed and suicidal in a cave.

He came to Elijah in the cave.

He came to Daniel in the den, in the lion's den.

He came to the three Hebrews in the fire.

He came to us in the person of Jesus Christ.

Hey.

He came at Pentecost through the Holy Spirit.

And because of the finished work of Christ, he no longer visits his people.

He dwells within them.

Hallelujah.

That's why Jesus said, abide in me.

Not come and hang out for a while.

But come and pitch a tent and abide.

Live at, dwell.

Because I came to not just visit, I pursue you, I love you, and I dwell with you.

Hallelujah.

That's why all the blessings of Psalm 91.

Anybody know Psalm 91?

Can anybody say the first verse out loud?

Do we got a bold person to shout?

Yes.

Yes.

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High.

Not he who passes through the secret place of the Most High.

He who sometimes visits the secret place of the Most High.

And if you look at that word dwell, it actually has the meaning of pitches a tent in.

He who pitches a tent makes a home.

So you're invited not to be a pastor through, but to abide.

And thankfully for all of us, we have a God who wants that and who abides with us.

Now I find over and over again that a great enemy to us is our emotions, feelings.

Nothing more than feelings.

We've got lots and lots of feelings.

I'm a man, but I'm from the Balkans, so I got a lot of feelings.

But I found even Scandinavian men have feelings.

Believe it or not, even Asian men have feelings.

We got feelings.

And feelings, as nice or as bad as they feel,

They're temporary.

And they're up and down like a twisty roller coaster.

And feelings will at times mess you and trip you up.

And one of the feelings that we as humans are prone to is this feeling of being forsaken by God.

Especially when we're going through it.

You might ask, what is it?

That thing you're going through.

that thing you don't want to be going through, that painful thing that you're tired of going through, that's it.

And when you're going through it, and by the way, we're all going to go through it, how many times?

Too many times.

Lots and lots of times.

We'll go through it.

When you're going through it, it comes with a very large loudspeaker, a mega bullhorn.

It's loud.

We always go through it, but I got like five or six choice-its that I've gone through.

I'm talking about where I'm knocked down, blood coming out of my mouth, don't even want to get back up.

I've been hit hard.

And that comes with a loudspeaker.

pain, loneliness, isolation, regret, also a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of condemnation.

Oh, I'm down.

Oh, I'm nothing.

I'm nobody.

Oh.

Right then, you pick up your phone.

You go on social media.

And what do you see?

Everybody.

My life is so wonderful.

And you're like, ah.

My life is down the toilet.

People really knew how much pain I'm in, what I go through, and my true feelings.

So in those feelings, in that state of being knocked down, a lie comes.

God is not with you.

You're alone.

About five or six times in my life, and all of these, by the way, is when I was in full-time ministry pastoring.

I heard that lie, and I felt, I felt that.

I felt God was far, God was distant.

Why?

In my head, excuse me, in my heart, I know that that's an impossibility, but my feelings and my head are swirling because of the pain, because of the chaos, and I feel like I'm alone.

And I want to address that specifically today.

I forgot the announcements, but we're going to have to get back to them.

Lots of good announcements.

But I want to address this, and I want to give you six scriptures.

Because one of the biggest lies Satan will tell you is that you are alone.

That you are just on a random piece of earth, a planet, suspended by nothing, spinning in the cosmos, totally alone.

Totally.

It's not true.

You have a maker.

You have a creator.

He formed you personally.

He breathed the breath of life into you.

The Bible says he knows your name and he calls you by your name.

And he calls you out by your name.

And he has every hair on your head numbered.

He's an intimate God.

And he takes great pleasure and he pays great attention to his creation.

I feel this even more in the second service.

We must have more people right now who are going through this.

You're not alone.

You'll never be alone.

And the quicker you line up with that truth, because you can line up with the lie, and then you know what you're receiving?

The benefits of that lie.

They're not benefits.

Or you can line up with the truth and lean into the truth, and then you'll receive the great benefits of that truth.

So let's read Hebrews.

Hebrews 13 · chapter mention

Chapter 13.

We'll start with this one.

For he himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Now in the Greek, I always feel so fancy when I say that one phrase.

In the Greek.

I hope you picture me as I picture me when I say that.

In my study, a couple of candles lit.

Giant tomes open, leather bound.

Some dusty.

I have a magnifying glass.

And I'm studying the ancient texts.

When in reality, I'm about as sophisticated as I didn't know I was on the wrong side of the paper.

It's in the Greek, it's an emphatic five-fold negative.

It could be paraphrased, I will never, ever, under any circumstances, leave you.

Another paraphrase is, because of my nature, it is an utter impossibility for me to forsake you, ever.

He promised he'd be with you.

He promised you won't be alone.

No matter what you feel like, no matter what you're going through.

Hallelujah.

For he himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Verse 6.

So we may boldly say, see when you know that you're not alone, a boldness arises, doesn't it?

When you feel like you're alone, you're mousy.

There's somebody right now.

I feel it in my spirit.

You've been isolated.

You've been feeling like you're alone, and it's robbing you of your boldness.

It's causing you to cringe.

It's causing you to become timid.

I break it off of you in Jesus' name, and may, yeah, the mighty boldness of God arise in you.

You know who you are, and that was for you, and you need to go home, go into your room, and let out a roar.

Roar!

The first one may not sound like that.

It might sound more like a cat meowing.

But then let out another one and release the lioness from within.

Because the Bible says the righteous are as bold as a lion.

When you know that he's with you, you're bold.

When I was a kid and I'd go somewhere with my dad, man, my posture was totally different.

My dad is taller than me.

My dad can't, and I can't.

I'm with dad.

Nothing's going to go wrong.

Dad's here.

I'm not alone.

You get boldness knowing he's with you.

So we may boldly say, the Lord is my helper.

I will not fear.

The number one scriptural reason not to fear is because he is with you.

That's what the psalmist over and over again said.

I will not fear for you are with me.

You are with me.

Therefore, I won't fear.

Fear and anxiety comes in when you feel like you're all alone.

That's terrifying.

I will not fear.

What can man?

When God is undergirding me and God Almighty is upholding me, what can a human?

What can man do to me?

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Isaiah chapter 43, verses 1 through 3.

Isaiah 43:1–3

By the way, I memorized these verses back in college.

A long time ago.

I encourage you.

I'm going to give you six verses.

Memorize them.

Write them down.

Take pictures of the screens, whatever you got to do, but commit these to memory.

They shouldn't just be nice little like fortune cookie things that make you feel good for a little bit.

Something changes when you absorb them in your spirit.

Scripture memorization is the key.

Really, the Bible doesn't even talk about scripture memorization.

It talks about scripture meditation.

But when you meditate in a scripture, one of the byproducts is you memorize it.

And the word becomes flesh.

Flesh.

And it changes you from the inside out.

You know, the psalmist also said, Lord, thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee.

When you have so much word in you, it's almost like impossible to fall into sin.

His word is upholding you and reinforcing you from the inside out.

Isaiah 43, 1.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you.

Oh, God.

I have called you by your name.

He knows you.

Even my real name, my unpronounceable Bojan Jančić, real name.

He calls me in a perfect Serbian accent by that name.

Yeah.

All of you Asians who are now called Tom, but your real Asian name is difficult for an American.

He calls you by that name, the real name.

The only smart thing, I should have been like an Asian and changed it in kindergarten.

I just changed my name to Bo two years ago.

I had to suffer as boy on all these years.

And you know what it's like.

All those decades.

And by the way, this is the reason I changed it.

There were people that I pastored, I knew for 10 years, and they would call me, Hey, Pastor Bojan, Bohan, Bojan.

I'm like, it's been 10 years.

All right, I got to change it to Bo.

Because my father gave me that option.

He said, do you want to be called Boyan or do you want to, like, we'll change it.

And he suggested Brian.

But I had, I still, because I was under the commie regime, really.

And I was so nationalistic that I was like, no, I'm Yugoslavian and Boyan.

And that was like a terrible next 45 years.

I think my life would have been a lot easier.

I was Bo the whole time.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you.

I have called you by your name.

You are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.

And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned.

Just keep that up there, please.

Waters, rivers, fires, calamities, it's not going to harm you.

But note that he didn't say that he was going to completely keep you from the rivers and the waters and the fires.

You will go through stuff.

And my message is the victory of the cross.

Because the gospel is a message of victory.

And suffering shouldn't be the entire movie of your life.

But there will be a lot of snapshot pictures of suffering.

It's just how it is.

Now for me, a good chunk of my life, my main anxiety, my main suffering, really was finance related.

But just think about it.

Like you have maybe a normal job and you have a paycheck that's pretty much almost.

I know nothing is guaranteed, but it just keeps coming every two weeks.

But God called me into full-time ministry where in the beginning, we started in 02.

I didn't get my first paycheck and it was $1,000 a month until 2006.

And so I always felt like I was walking on water.

And, you know, when you're in full-time ministry, you have to believe God for finances.

Like, how do you think we make budget every time?

Right.

I have to believe God for it.

The staff believes God for it.

That means we're actually praying and we're thanking God for a met budget even when it's not met.

By the way, right now, we're like $120,000 below budget for the year.

I haven't even said that all year.

I don't even say that when we receive the offering.

I never go, oh, you know, you guys, come on.

We're $120,000 in the red.

We're $120,000 in the red.

But we're believing that by December 3-1, we're going to be in the black.

Hallelujah.

So you got to believe.

So the whole time I'm believing, but that can get, at least for me at times, over two decades, exhausting.

And so in my mind, I just thought, you know, if I had a little bit of money.

All right, not a little bit.

Lord, a lot of bit.

Amen.

this one great stress, this one great source of anxiety will be lifted from my life.

And so, and many of you knew me personally when I was living check to check.

When I shared in the first service, you know, because sometimes I'll say I'm broke.

Broke means different things to different people.

I wasn't ever like broke, broke, broke.

But like, you know, we had to time when we bought like daily essentials.

We never lacked.

We never ever lacked.

But like if I'm coming to the end of my deodorant.

Like, I'm like, oh, man, I need to stretch this out another week.

And I would use that deodorant.

I don't know how many of you do this until it's scraped.

The plastic is scraping.

I'm like, get every.

And then I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to pick out, you know, because some of it gets, pick out there.

Yeah, get it all.

I'm not wasting that stuff.

Stretch out the shampoo, stretch out all that.

And now, if you come to my house, you know what?

You're going to see, I have a walk-in closet.

It's stacks of deodorant, stacks of soap.

I got, like, if there ever was, like, a total lockdown and whatever, I'm going to have the cleanest smelling house in all of New York State.

So it was always tight, and I thought maybe a big thing of money.

And we moved out to Nassau County by faith, got a house by faith.

We've been debt free for over 10 plus years, but got a mortgage that was too high for us by faith.

And we had these couple of friends through Victor's school, and we were on a boat over Nassau County, somewhere in the Long Island Sound, and I'm looking over at the coastline, there's all these 10, 15, $20 million houses.

And the man who owns the boat is right next to me.

We're both being men.

And we're both looking.

And I, because I'm feeling, and that was particularly, I was feeling the anxiety of finances.

And I go, out loud, sometimes your inside thoughts should stay your inside thoughts.

But again, I'm from the Balkans.

That always seems to make it outside.

We got some kind of chip missing or added.

I don't know.

But out loud, I just say, what must it be like to have all that money?

because I don't know anyone with money like that.

Because I noticed that people with money like that don't like to hang out with brokies like I was.

But he was somewhere in between me and those $15 million guys.

He had a boat, I'm on his boat, and he had money.

And he immediately says, I know exactly what it's like for them.

It's exactly how it is for me and you, except with money.

Like he says, they have the same fears and anxieties we have, just with money on top.

But yeah, I didn't believe him.

I'm like, that sounds like something people with money would say.

Like you forgot what it's like to be me, so don't be telling me it's the same except with money.

How about we trade places for a year, then tell me what the answer is.

But anyway, and then Bitcoin hit.

And then our financial lives got absolutely transformed.

And I found out he was right.

Because what I wanted, what I wanted was a problem-free life.

And then, to my both chagrin and then eventual delight, eventual, I found out that while I'm on this side of heaven, problems will come.

Rivers will come.

Waters will pass over my head.

I'll have to walk through the fire.

He didn't say I wouldn't have to walk through the fire, but he'd deliver me from being burnt.

He didn't say the waters wouldn't pass over my head, but he said miraculously, I won't drown.

But just as an aside, what I wanted, which later the Lord convicted me of, because I spent 20 plus years so dependent on the Lord, like I'm always living, Lord, if you don't come through, I'm finished.

Living like that, and what I secretly wanted, I didn't admit it to anyone, was to not be dependent on the Lord anymore.

Thankfully, he never showed me what that's like.

Thankfully, I still need him like the air that I breathe.

And so if you're dreaming of a problem-free life, I'm going to play that Aerosmith song for you.

Dream on.

Keep dreaming and dream on.

Stuff is going to happen.

Stuff is going to come.

At the very least, irritations will abound.

At the very least, frustrations will overflow.

And yeah, problems will come.

And so we better learn real quick how to have joy in the midst of the crappery.

And one more time, let me just read it.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.

And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burnt.

For I am the Lord your God.

Not for I am the Lord God.

Not for I am the Lord a God.

But you've got to get this personal for yourself.

This is key.

I am the Lord, your God.

You got to make it real for yourself.

David didn't say the Lord is a shepherd.

He personalized it for himself.

He said the Lord is my shepherd.

He didn't say then the Lord is a shepherd.

People don't want.

The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

By the way, when God gave me revelation of the scripture, it was like the third week of the launch of City Light Church.

And the scripture, when I was jogging and praying, the scripture came to me.

And I would jog when I'd feel so stressed.

I'm now three weeks into a church plant that in the natural was doomed to failure.

I went for a stress-relieving jog.

I'm like, Lord, the Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

And then immediately I thought, yeah, but I know Christians who do want.

They do lack.

Want is a word for lack.

And the Lord, you know, sometimes he gently rebukes you.

And sometimes he arrests you.

I like when he arrests you, when he like rattles your bones from within.

And I'm, hey, look.

And it was like, are you you or are you them?

You don't know where they're at.

You don't know what they're saying.

You don't know what they're believing.

You don't know where their faith is.

And you can't be responsible for this invisible crowd that you're thinking of.

But you can be responsible for you.

And if you believe this, this is what the Lord communicated to me in .01 seconds with a, just a divine arrest.

You can be responsible for you, and you can appropriate the truth of this verse for yourself.

That I'm your shepherd, and you, if you believe it, you will not want.

So God will manifest himself to the person who will say, you're my shepherd.

I don't know about Timmy.

I don't know about Susie.

Oh, I don't know about Michelle.

But I shall not want.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

I shall not want.

Thank you, Lord.

Psalm 34, 17 through 19.

How many of you in this service heard the story about me going to the hospital?

Honestly, I gotta see hands.

Let me see your hands.

Okay.

You guys did now, huh?

All right.

Very honest of you.

All right, less than half still.

Which...

I just do that for me to know.

If all your hands went up, I'd still tell the story.

Because it's an important story.

It was so painful for me at first to share, but it gets easier every time.

And it's only painful because, you know, I do feel like Ezekiel.

Ezekiel had to walk around Israel with his rear parts exposed, the Bible says.

Like his butt was showing.

And when I preach like this, I feel like that's me.

Like my pants drop to my knees and there's my butt all pale.

Just look...

I'd say sorry for the visual, but I'd be lying.

I'm not sorry.

However you pictured it, it's so much worse than that.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Now you're going to know why I went to the hospital.

So I had four herniated discs.

Now, by the way,

I was actually hospitalized twice on two separate occasions.

And sometimes when I tell the story, I just merge both of the stories together.

Just being fully honest.

But I don't want to get into all the need.

Sometimes preachers do that.

I don't want to get into all the need.

It'll take too long.

So you mesh the stories together.

As long as it's honest and true, you can share it.

But first hit was around, not around, exactly summer of 2010.

I was diagnosed with four herniated discs.

Back then, doctors were giving out Percocet like Tic Tacs.

I did not know what Percocet was.

I'd never heard of it, and it wasn't such a huge big deal back then.

Now doctors will only prescribe it in like the most extreme cases, like stage four cancer, if you're on your way out and you want a painful journey on your way, a painless, excuse me, journey on your way out.

But back then, four herniated discs, my chiropractor was like, oh, you need a pain management specialist.

Go to a pain management specialist.

He's like, touch your toes, stand against the wall, walk this line.

Here, take this.

It'll help you.

Didn't tell me what this was.

It was Percocet.

Not the fives, but the tens.

And the little bottle said three times a day.

I start popping them three times a day.

And I notice, like James Brown, I feel good.

I feel real good.

All of a sudden, the pain is gone.

Why is the pain gone?

Well, the pain isn't really gone, but now pastor's on heroin.

So, in the family of heroin, I'm on an opiate.

And honestly, you really want me to stay correct.

Thank you.

The Lord sent you as like an angelic protector.

She was so relieved.

She was like, yes, that's it.

In the family of heroin.

That's what she was saying.

Family.

Say it again, pastor.

Because someone's going to take that thing online and just clip it.

And to them, I'd say, I don't care.

They'll just think it's an AI video.

See, some people feel threatened by AI.

It set me free.

If you ever see a video and I'm like saying something I shouldn't be saying, it's not me, it's AI.

Nobody can ever blackmail me now.

That wasn't me.

That was AI.

The first thing I notice is in the midst of feeling good, like around week one,

Because normal medication, you can, you know, it says three times a day.

Well, you can decide how to spread it out.

And I'm out of the house, and I notice my stomach is cramping, and I'm in pain.

So I rush back.

I notice I take the pill.

I'm not just not in pain.

I feel good.

So this continues several weeks.

I go back to the doctor, and I start talking to him.

I'm like, yeah, you know, I started cramping.

He's like, oh, that's the withdrawal symptoms.

I go, withdrawal symptoms?

He's like, well, yeah, you're probably addicted at this point.

And I said, huh?

I was like, I don't want to be addicted.

So then for the first time, I Googled what I'm actually taking.

And I was like, what?

So I stopped after the summer, after about two and a half, three months.

And when I stopped, I just stopped.

Cold turkey.

The doctor didn't tell me what he was giving me, and he didn't tell me how to stop correctly.

He never told me I'm supposed to wean off.

It was like in, out, with a bunch of pills.

By the way, there's a Netflix movie, man, with Matthew Broderick and the DuPont family.

Anybody know the name, Payne something?

Please, if you ever want to know more about what I went through, watch that movie.

It's a four-part series or three-part series on Netflix.

I'm watching it, and I'm going...

That was my life.

That's exactly what I went through.

And so I decided to quit.

And bless God, I quit without issues, except I shouldn't have quit that way.

Because after three months of being on it, my brain got altered.

And it was producing serotonin and dopamine with an outside chemical catalyst.

Now that catalyst was removed, and my brain forgot how to produce the happy chemicals of serotonin and dopamine.

So I started falling and falling and falling.

I started to notice first at all, I didn't feel like doing anything.

Everything seemed bleak.

Everything seemed dark.

And then I thought it can't get any worse than this.

It got way worse.

I thought it couldn't get worse than that.

I did not know there were still 10 more levels of worse.

Instead of glory to glory, it was from worse to worse.

And I learned a lot about depression because that's what I was in.

Severe depression, which always comes with its ugly, nasty cousin anxiety.

I always had severe anxiety, severe depression.

Now look, this is my story.

Later I experienced severe depression without any withdrawals from Percocet or any of that.

It just came upon me.

I had, by the way, never ever battled depression before in my life.

I had used the word like a lot of people do sometimes.

Like people go, a close friend, how are you feeling?

Man, I've been kind of depressed lately.

But they just use that word as a synonym for sad.

Depression is not sadness.

I would have loved to have felt sad.

You don't feel sad.

You don't feel glad.

You feel nothing.

Your feelings are gone.

You actually feel like you're a little itty bitty point of light in your own giant body, and you're descending into the sunken place that gets darker and darker, and you're kind of peering out as you're falling and descending within yourself.

And nobody knows.

And that continued on for two more months.

It started in about September of 2010.

Continued on for several months.

I went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist right here in Forest Hill severely over-medicated me.

Because later, when I went to the hospital, they told me we were severely over-medicated.

But I started to have suicidal thoughts.

I didn't feel anything.

I started to feel like I was dying.

It was so dark and so bleak.

And the moment I mentioned, hey, I'm having suicidal thoughts, he said, I'm writing right now.

You need to call the hospital.

I'll check you right in.

By the way, when I say the hospital and put it in quotes, it's because that's a nice way of saying it.

It was the mental health pavilion.

Cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

It's funny to me now.

It wasn't funny back then.

Emily, you were a trooper through it all.

Thank you.

I learned a whole new language in there.

They removed my shoelaces so I wouldn't hang myself, my belt so I wouldn't hang myself or hurt somebody else, and then I grew out a beard because they removed all sharps.

And she joked with me because she said, babe, you're not shaving.

I said, I can't have sharps in here.

And she's like, what's that?

I'm like, she's like, you're funny.

You learned this whole new, like, mental hospital lingo.

Because I kept on using words that were unique to the loony bin.

The nut house.

One flew over the cuckoo's nest.

You know what I just realized?

You never ever heard this story before.

Have you, son?

Is this kind of freaky for you?

Come here, son.

I just have one thing to say to you.

You're not in city kids any longer.

Have a seat.

Keep coming to the adult service.

You're going to see who your dad is.

Wait till I tell you about the homicides and the gambling problem I used to have.

Hallelujah.

What I learned through that whole thing is that I was never forsaken.

not even for a minute.

What I learned is that God is good and infinitely merciful.

I thought I was a goner.

I thought it was finished for me.

I thought it was finished for the church.

Any glimmer of hope was gone.

It was the absolute, by far, most terrifying, worst season of my life.

I remember that song.

Remember that song by Gnarls Barkley, Crazy?

I remember when.

I remember when.

Even my emotions had an echo.

And then I thought, man, that guy described mental illness so well.

He described losing it so well.

Guess how it would feel?

Every emotion.

Like I couldn't even watch TV because it would set me off in panic.

So I had to sit there in silence.

Because even like a regular commercial, like even a commercial with a song, 1-800-CARS-4-KIDS.

Like, oh!

By the way, I share this.

Energy is always funny.

That's why I crack so many jokes.

People seem to get uncomfortable.

And like clockwork, so many people afterwards thank me saying, thank you for sharing that.

Because then I understood, wow, I kind of lived a sheltered life, really a pretty good life.

And I started to have to go through something.

And then I could relate because people are hurting.

People are in pain.

And somebody here needs to know that you could be, I mean, how much lower can you get?

You're pastoring a church.

You should be a shining example of wholeness and health.

And instead, it's not like I got a little, I needed six stitches.

I'm in the mental hospital.

And God redeemed me from that.

And God healed me of that.

And touched me.

And gave me peace.

And I got, this is good for you, I got the, what do you call those documents when you leave a place?

You know, like, what?

What?

The discharge, the discharge paper signed.

So if anybody ever tells you, no, your pastor's crazy, I'll send you a PDF of the discharge.

You can say, no, he's not.

See, he's out now.

He's good.

Oh, that was also, I could read Psalm 34, 17.

He's with you.

He's with you.

He's with you.

In those dark moments, for a few moments, I thought I was forsaken.

I thought he wasn't with me.

And then I found out that really footprints in the sand is actually great theology.

Anybody here doesn't know what footprints in the sand is?

No one's going to raise their hand.

Real quick, footprints in the sand.

Go to any bathroom of any Christian house in Long Island, it'll be there.

In the bathroom, wooden plaque, a lot of gold embossed.

Next to a little tray.

Decorator soap, probably pink, rose oil, seashell shaped.

Layer of dust over it, because you're not supposed to use that soap, no one does.

What you are supposed to use is a bottle of 99 cent dial from the dollar store.

And footprints in the sand.

just tells the story of a man walking a beach, and he sees his journey of life, all the footprints.

He's walking with Jesus, and he sees two tracks, two sets of footprints.

One is his, one is the Lord's.

But then he notices at times there's just one track of footprints.

And he goes, Lord, I notice this is through the most difficult times of my life.

Why did I walk those times alone?

And the Lord puts his hand on his shoulder and says, Son, it was then that I carried you.

And that was all just a cute little plaque I saw in every single Christian bathroom ever.

It went from being that to a real reality.

Lord, you're with me.

Like I'm in the, I can't say it any other way.

I'm in the nuthouse.

I'm looking around and I'm going, like my enemies must be so delighted right now.

This is where, so what's my story gonna be?

I got saved at 16, forsook everything for the call, launched the church in New York City, and then ended up,

In the mental health pavilion.

And then what's the next story?

I'm broke living under a bridge.

None of that ever happened.

Why?

Because he's good.

And he's with me.

And he's with you.

And he will not allow his holy one, that's you, to suffer corruption.

Oh no.

And he's not done writing your story.

And he will show up.

You say, it doesn't feel like it.

Yeah, I know.

That's exactly when he'll show up.

He's full of surprises.

That's why you'll find that word suddenly all throughout the Bible.

Suddenly.

Suddenly.

We just read that.

You know, we're bored and low energy.

So we're like, and suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind.

It's more like suddenly.

Boom.

He'll surprise you.

Jehovah sneaky will come at 1159 and just shock you and show up and show out.

Hallelujah.

The righteous cry out and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.

You say, I don't feel that way.

You know why you don't feel that way?

Because you have a broken heart.

It doesn't mean he's not near you.

But when your heart is broken and pain comes with a loud bullhorn screaming in your ear,

You're not going to maybe sense his presence.

And you'll feel distant and isolated.

But he is near you.

It's a biblical fact.

And I just have to make a stubborn choice.

That I'm always going to believe the Bible over my feelings.

Every single time.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.

And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

What's a contrite spirit?

It's a spirit that too is...

It's somber in a healthy way.

It's humble.

A contrite spirit is not puffed up.

The nose isn't in the air.

A contrite spirit is meekly clinging to the Lord.

There's a hard attitude of, Lord, my faith is in you, my trust is in you.

I rely on you.

And by the way, when I say my faith is in you, which I said many times, that's never nice and clean.

It's always messy, dirty, and sloppy.

The best example of it in the New Testament is when Jesus tells that man,

All things are possible to him that believes.

And he says, Lord, I believe.

Help thou mine unbelief.

That's the sloppiness of faith.

So when I say I clung in faith, it doesn't mean the man never, ever wavered.

I was being beaten left and right, bashed all around.

So of course there's some times when I don't believe.

How many times have I said stupid things in your presence?

Say lots.

Lots.

Lots.

Lots.

Like lots and lots?

Yeah, lots and lots.

Too many times?

Too many times.

I wanted her to say something, but she just, like, delighted in it a little.

But all right, anyway.

Keep preaching, Bo.

Keep preaching.

The Lord's got you.

He'll never leave you nor forsake you.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Afflictions are going to come, but the Lord who is with you and who won't leave you or forsake you, he is a deliverer and he will deliver you.

Yes, he will.

It doesn't matter what they say.

It doesn't matter what the devil is whispering to you.

Do you know what your fears are?

Your fears are actually Satan's wish list.

I'll say it again.

The fears that you keep hearing, that's actually Satan's wish list for your life.

And when you then embrace those fears, some people embrace them so much those fears become a part of their identity.

You are welcoming Satan and his wish list.

And you're saying, yeah, come on in with that.

Do that.

Yeah, that's why you got to shun.

Fear is no joke.

Fear is not a game.

Do not indulge in fear.

Do not play around with fear.

Resist fear.

That's why the Bible says 365 times, fear not, fear not, fear not.

This isn't optional.

Everybody wants to talk about Job and what Job suffered.

But as soon as he lost everything, this is what he said, the thing that I feared has come upon me and that which I was afraid of has occurred unto me.

That means all that, what's the word I used before?

Crappery?

Somebody quickly trademark that under City Light Church.

All that crappery, he lost his sons, all his wealth, his livestock, his house, his lands.

And when he lost all of that, he said, the thing that I was afraid of, that means he already saw that and was afraid of it.

He already pictured a bleak, you ready?

And that's exactly how it happened.

Do you know...

In Bible school, one of the Bible teachers knew Elvis Presley personally.

That's the kind of Bible school I went to.

And Elvis died at age 42.

And he tells this story.

He said, we heard Elvis say thousands of times, Oh, I'm never going to live past 42.

Oh, I'm never going to live past 42.

Sorry, it's a bad Elvis.

It's the best I could do.

43 ain't coming.

He said it over.

He was afraid and terrified of something.

And he kept saying that.

And he got as he believed.

He got as he said.

So fear is not to be indulged in.

It's not a joke.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Amen.

Psalm 20, Deuteronomy 3, 31, 6.

This was Moses' encouragement to Israel as they stood on the edge of the promised land.

And they stood on that edge facing an uncertain future.

And he said, be strong and of good courage.

Do not fear nor be afraid of them.

For the Lord your God, he is the one who goes with you.

He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Why don't we just say that right now?

Shout this out loud from your gut.

Life and death are in the power of the tongue.

And they that love it will eat the fruit of it.

Amen.

Real loud.

Say this.

The Lord is with me.

I am not alone.

One more time.

I'm not alone.

He won't leave me.

He won't forsake me.

He's a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

Amen.

Hallelujah.

Worship team, come on up.

Psalm 23, 4.

Thank you, Jesus.

Got two more verses for you.

Is this helping anybody this morning?

I'm proud of you all for showing up on such a rainy day.

I honestly thought that I'm proud of you because it was so ugly and rainy this morning.

Like, we had to have all the lights on in the house, and half our house is made of glass, and it was so dark.

And I was like, wow, and people are coming.

Like, this is awesome.

Like, I actually, like, if I were, you know, didn't have to come.

Like, it's so nasty.

Like, would I come?

But I had to come.

Because I love Pastor Mo too much.

But you came.

You didn't have to come.

And you watching online, right now in your pajamas, cereal crumbs right there on your chest.

There's therefore no shame or guilt or condemnation in Christ Jesus.

Look, look, look, look.

Zoom that camera in.

Look, you took the easy way out.

You did, you did.

But we're going to restore you back into fellowship in a spirit of meekness, considering ourselves, lest we also be tempted.

So there in your nice, warm home, enjoy.

Enjoy.

Hallelujah.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

For you are with me.

By the way, so far, he kept referring to God in the third person.

He would say, the Lord, the Lord.

And he would say, the Lord is my shepherd.

But still, he wasn't speaking directly to him.

He was just broadly declaring him.

But in this truth that everybody will walk through the valley of the shadow of death, he now super personalizes it and speaks directly to the Lord.

For you are with me.

Say that.

For you are with me.

For you are.

For you are with me, your rod and your staff.

They comfort me.

Hallelujah.

Man, I share my worst stories because I want you to remember them.

And that's like my highlight reel of like my worst stories.

But I can't tell you how many times it looked like it was curtains.

It looked bad.

It looked bleak.

But God.

And here's the crazy part.

Each time it happened, you'd think I would have learned.

No, God is faithful.

But each time it happens, it's easier each time, yes, but never easy.

Because we forget so much the miracle working power of God.

So you may be going through it right now, and God has already established a history with you of being good to you, but this time is different, right?

It's really not different, but to you, this time is different.

This time, man, maybe he'll get distracted by something over here.

There's somebody over in Asia praying extra hard.

Oh, something happened in Guatemala that got his attention and he forgot about you.

No.

The Lord doesn't slumber or sleep.

He knows you.

He's got you.

He's with you.

Hallelujah.

I will fear no evil for you are with me.

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Son, we're cool, right?

I just want to double check.

Like for sure?

Okay.

You still driving back with us?

He's good, right, babe?

Okay.

Because it's really not my fault.

It's just the way I'm...

He loves this movie.

What's the name of the movie?

Back Rooms.

Anybody see Back Rooms?

He loves it.

You know, so to mess with it.

You like it too, right?

Okay.

See, I guess anybody under 18 loves it.

So I watched it.

So now I always say to him, I go, it's not my fault.

It's just the way I'm wired.

Let's close with Matthew 28, 20.

Any short people here?

Nico.

Awesome.

No, this is great.

If you're short...

The Lord said, lo, I am with you always.

So he's even with you.

Tall people, short people.

He won't forsake you.

Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you.

And short people.

I am with you always.

Even to the end of the age.

Hallelujah.

Now.

The anointing is here.

I felt an anointing and really a glimpse into the spirit and the prophetic flow that I haven't felt at this altar in a very long time.

It was like easy peasy to slip into.

And I just want to open up the altar for people to come up and receive ministry through the laying on of hands.

I want to lay my hands on you and release the anointing of God on you.

particularly, really specifically for those of you who are going through trademark it.

You're going through it.

And as you're going through it, I'm not going to say, and you're going through it and you feel forsaken.

Typically, if you're going through it on that kind of a level, there's a part of you that feels like, God, where are you?

And then you're like, no, you're with me.

I believe.

Help thou mine unbelief.

So the altar is open.

I just turned around like Batman.

The thing mysteriously disappeared while I was turned around.

Let's all stand.

We're going to sing this song.

This is one of my favorite songs.

This is the City Light Church Podcast.

If you've missed any part of today's message, or if you would like to find out more about Pastor Boyan Jancic and City Light Church, visit us at citylightnyc.com.

That's citylightnyc.com.

Feel free to visit us online or in person anytime.

We would love to connect with you.

We pray that you have been encouraged today, that you have been reminded how much God loves you, and that you are surrounded by grace.

Thank you for listening.

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