Relationships: We Can Only Give What We Have - Steve Craig

Father, thanks for being such a great God.

Thank you for adopting us as your very own children.

Holy Spirit, thank you for being our counselor and our teacher and giving us your word.

I just ask you this morning that you'd speak to each of us.

Holy Spirit, that you would be strong with your with your presence.

And you'd even translate what we say, that you'd you'd give me uh a clear mind and clear thoughts uh this morning.

Jesus, we thank you so much for reconnecting us with our Father, showing us what God, our Father, is really like.

And so we praise you and we thank you and we trust you.

And it's in your name we pray.

Amen.

So today is February 14th, you know, which is one of those days that fills our hearts with passion and excitement.

Um of course I'm talking about the Daytona 500 this afternoon.

Man, I'm just kidding.

Sorry, that's a stupid joke.

I'm gonna be in trouble for that.

Of course, I'm talking about uh Valentine's Day, and it it really is a great day for us to finish up talking about marriage and relationships.

We've taken a few weeks to um to talk about it, and um I think I'm gonna spend a little time because I was gone last week.

Uh by the way, it's it uh I'm so thankful for Justin, and uh I thought what he shared last week was so great.

And uh I'm really appreciative and thankful that he's working with uh with our young people.

And I want to share something before I for forget, and uh and that is that there's been three times in Susan and I's marriage.

You know, I've said probably every week, we've been married 26 and a half years.

It's like running a marathon.

It's not 26 miles, it's 26.2 miles, and those 0.2 are important.

So the uh and so that half I always uh always put in there.

But um there's been really three times in our marriage where we really felt like we we needed help.

And we got it.

Twice um we got counseling, and it was a real lifesaver um for our relationship.

And uh I just want you to know that we can recommend counselors that we that we know and and trust.

Um we've got some cards back at the info desk if you want to grab one with some some recommendations.

You can shoot us an email and if you had more specific questions, you know, like you know, who takes insurance and and you know, maybe some specifics or specialties or that type of stuff.

But uh I really kind of recommend that enough at uh at different times in in our marriages.

You know, the uh the greatest athletes, the greatest singers, the the greatest um artists all get coaching.

And um if we want a great marriage, sometimes we we need uh coaching.

And we're talking about such big picture things because we only have five weeks.

It's not that long really to talk about something as big as marriage and relationships.

And so there's times where we really need help uh with uh just communicating and what makes us tick and how we react and why we react and and and different things like that.

And so um if you could use some coaching, please uh please do that and we can we can recommend some some people that help.

The the other time, that was twice that we did that, and and and there's another time we were at a similarly, I guess, desperate point, and we simply got prayer.

And something happened that that one time it was supernatural, it was it was uh spiritual, and and it changed everything.

And so that's the other thing I couldn't recommend enough.

You know, we've got a great prayer team here.

And we've got a prayer room, and you're leaving out uh it's it's on the left.

And and we've got a team that will be here for um you know at least an hour this morning for a couple hours seven to nine on Wednesday night.

And if you're at a point in your relationship with if you're struggling or any other thing, you know, the the all the different things we struggle with in our lives, please um um stop and get prayer.

In just a few minutes it can change everything.

And it it's it's a supernatural thing, it's a it's uh uh a spiritual thing.

So I wanted to make sure that I mentioned uh those two things.

We started um in January by reminding ourselves of the truth that nothing is impossible with God.

Many of us have had relationships, some of us have relationships that you know they either felt like they're beyond repair or they feel like like uh like maybe there's no hope, and it's not true that there's nothing impossible with God.

And we got to see John Steph's uh God story, and and they were so kind to uh to do that because their relationship was at a point where you would think uh it was beyond repair, but it wasn't true.

You know, as they turned to God, God completely uh transformed uh their marriage.

So now they're just an example of a great marriage because nothing is impossible with God.

So we wanted to start with that hope of realizing that God can do anything, that God can change anything.

In Luke 137, it just simply says, for nothing is impossible with God.

You know, his greatest miracles are in our hearts, are in our lives, and are in our relationships.

We then talked about what the essence of a good marriage is.

Marriage feels complicated.

You know, we're working together on finances, uh, we're maintaining a home and uh and a household.

Uh hopefully there's a sexual part of our uh of our marriage.

Sometimes that leads to a co-parenting part of the marriage.

There's in-laws and learning and hobbies and and fun, and it's just so, so complicated.

And and the truth is, it's just it's difficult to be hitting on every cylinder all the time.

And if that's what we think a great marriage is, that we're just everything, every aspect of our marriage is always going right at the same time, we're gonna be disappointed.

The essence of a good marriage is friendship.

It's being best friends, it's being it's being lifelong friends.

And even if we aren't hitting on all cylinders all the time, we can maintain that.

That that uh we have a friendship, a lifelong friendship.

We then talked about a truth that's really made a huge difference in Susan and I's relationship, and that's just living at the tree of life.

There are two main trees in the Garden of Eden.

God wants us at the tree of life.

Satan tempts us to get over to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

This is good, this is evil, this is good, um, this is evil.

And we especially see that in our differences.

You know, my way is good, your way is evil, my way is right, your way is wrong, my way is smart, your way is stupid, you know, good and evil, um, good and evil.

But when we get back to the tree of life, uh we see the truth.

We see that we're all created in God's image.

And it is how that we're wired differently that really makes us strong.

We think it's our differences that are gonna tear us apart.

It's our differences that make us strong.

If one of us is bold, it's good that the other's uh cautious and thinks things through.

If one of us is all about fun, it's good that the other one's a little bit about budgeting and planning and and uh and all that.

It creates balance and and it creates strength.

And besides all that, opposites do attract.

And when we get back to the tree of life, that attraction can come back pretty fast as well.

Two weeks ago we talked about getting unstuck, really moving forward in our marriages.

Uh there's only one way when we're we're stuck, and that really is forgiveness.

You know, we get to a point where we feel like, man, there's no good way out, there's no good way forward, and um the way to move forward is by forgiving each other.

The example, one of the examples we use was just when um someone in a relationship does something to us, it's like being shot with an arrow, and we can't sit around and wait for them to decide to come pull that out.

That that with God's help we can be proactive, pull it out ourselves, forgive.

And then then God and his Holy Spirit will heal us up, and for there we can have healthy relationships.

And he'll fill us, he'll fill us full of full of uh full of life and and uh and full of love.

You know, in the 26 years that uh, 26 and a half years that Susan I've been married, the uh, you know, I think the first 11 years, it was probably um impossible for us to have a good marriage.

Um to have a a healthy marriage.

I know that for me I felt like like there was never I could never do enough, you know?

That that whatever I did, it wasn't it wasn't quite enough.

Um and I tried to do the right thing, and I tried to to do good things.

Um I was raised in in what I'd call a good home.

Um spiritually I was raised uh very legalistically.

Uh you might have experienced the same thing.

It doesn't really matter what kind of uh of uh church you were you're raised in.

It could be Catholic, it could be Baptist, it could be Methodist, it could be Lutheran, it could be, it could be anything.

If the focus is on you know doing right and and having the self-discipline to to do the right thing and somehow earning God's love through that, um, you know, we we learn to try and do that, I guess, in our relationships, make us do the the right thing.

And and for some of us, you know, for me, I could actually do the right thing um some of the time, at least, at least at first.

And so that's kind of how I was wired.

I was determined to be a good husband.

I was gonna do the um the right thing.

When Andrew and Paige were born, I was determined to be a good dad.

I was gonna do the right thing.

And and you know, a lot of times I did.

I kept them them safe and fed, went to all the school function, coached both of both of them in uh in sports, prayed with them before bed, but there wasn't enough.

There was something missing in all of our relationships.

My relationship with Susan, my relationship with with Andrew and Paige.

I remember one Christmas I I bought Susan um a pretty big gift.

You know, it was uh and I was I was really um looking forward to giving it to her, and so you know, I saved it for last.

I pretended there was nothing else, you know, that type of thing.

And um and so she enraps this gift and and she starts crying.

I'm like, yes, home run.

This is uh this is gonna be great.

Um, I might have even been thinking, you know, you did it again.

But um I realized that she wasn't crying out of uh joy, and and it wasn't really even you know disappointment, it was more of a a sadness and a frustration.

And uh what she said is is I don't want a gift, I want you to really love me.

Um it was the same with the kids.

It was good that I spent time with them.

I enjoyed it, they enjoyed.

But what they really craved from me was not a super dad.

It was a dad who really loved them, who really cared about how they felt, really cared if they were scared or intimidated or unsure, really stopped and listened and tried to understand what they were thinking.

You know what they wanted was something I didn't have.

What they wanted was love.

They wanted love.

Um they wanted me to be excited every time I saw them.

They wanted me to see the good in them.

They wanted me to see the importance, to cheer them on, to be their number one fan.

Love.

You know, maybe maybe you've been there where whatever you did didn't seem to be enough, and it was it was frustrating.

Um maybe you've been there where you know you really understand that wanting to be loved, wanting to be valued, wanting to be cared for.

You know, not just uh a romantic I love you, but that deeper, unselfish, you know, not thinking about work while I'm talking to you, type of love.

Um, looking back, what I realize is that I could not give what I didn't have.

And it's true for all of us.

We can only give what we have.

It's really true in all parts of our life.

There's a business book that uh Harvey McKay wrote.

It's it was um called Swim with the Sharks Without Be Being Um Eaten Alive, and he followed it with another New York Times uh bestseller, and it was entitled Beware the Naked Man Who Offers You His Shirt.

And and it was a business book, and it and it was just uh revolved around the point is someone cannot give you what they don't have.

We cannot give what we don't have.

It's true in in business, it's true in a lot of areas, and it's true in our relationships.

We can only give what we have.

And many of us go into our relationships, into our marriages not having love.

It's one of the things we want from our relationships, it's one of the things we're hoping to get from our relationship.

We don't go in with it.

And it it's no wonder that we don't naturally have love.

You know, we live in a jacked-up world.

Um, by the time we hit marriage, most of us have spent most of our lives being ridiculed, being put down, being yelled at, abused, or maybe just being taught that that what makes us valuable is how we perform and and um and what we accomplish, what what we achieve.

Over time, we don't need anybody else to uh to put us down.

We do it ourselves.

You know, a hundred times a day.

We'll be telling ourselves, you know, we're unlovable, we're we're worthless, we're a screw-up.

In order to have a loving relationship, there has to be two loved people.

Because we can only give what we have.

Paul talks about this very thing.

In Ephesians 3, 14.

He says this.

He says, When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the creator of everything in heaven and on earth.

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources, he will empower you with inner strength through his spirit.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust him.

Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong.

And may you have the power to understand as all God's people should.

How wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.

Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

This is what we've been talking about for the last few weeks.

Fullness of life.

Having a full life.

What is fullness of life?

You know, it's a little, it sounds a little Christianese, a little churchy.

What is what is fullness of life?

It's relationships.

Fullness of life, a full life is a full relationship with God and a full relationship with people, our families, our friends, fullness of life.

And it starts with something supernatural.

Paul says it starts with understanding how much God loves us, how much Jesus loves us.

He says, and may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.

This is a prayer that Paul is communicating.

Um, it's something supernatural to understand how much God loves you, how wide his love is for you, how deep his love is for you, how much he loves you.

It's immeasurable.

It's too much to understand.

And in the next verse, we read one of the verses we started with.

God can do anything you know, far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams.

He does it not by pushing us around, but by working within us, his spirit deeply and gently within us.

So, how did that impossible happen?

That anything that God can do, it started with love.

With us understanding how much God loves us.

Paul goes on in in Ephesians.

Ephesians is really a great uh book of the Bible to study because there's just so much in there.

And he starts with with the love and he ends up with kind of applying that.

He talks about really all of our relationships.

He talks about what love looks like as bosses, what love looks like as employees, what love looks like as neighbors, what love looks like as kids, what love looks like as parents, what love looks like as a husband, what love looks like as a wife.

And he he kind of summarizes it all in Ephesians 5 and verse 2.

He says, Mostly what God does is love you.

Keep company with him and learn a life of love.

Observe how Christ loved us.

His love was not cautious but extravagant.

He didn't love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of himself to us.

Love like that.

Where does it start?

With how God loves us, how Jesus loves us.

Because we can only give what we have.

You know, with uh when we're talking about marriage, really any relationships, but but I think this is particularly true with marriage, um, it's natural to think about what our spouse needs to do.

You know, hope he or she is listening.

Um, you know, if if if they would only improve in uh one area.

And regardless of where our spouse is at, even if if they haven't started their relationship with God, there is nothing more than important that we can do than come to God and get uh get each each of us get filled up with his love.

It takes two loved people to have a loving relationship.

The only thing that we really control as individuals is for us to get filled up with God's love, for us to go directly to God.

Because then we can give because we have.

What is that?

Is it is that God loves you?

It's that God loves us.

That Jesus came to reconnect us with the Father.

You know, he also came to show us what God is really like.

In Hebrews it says that he is the exact representation of our Father.

What is Jesus?

He is loving, compassionate, quick to heal, quick to help.

We can only give what we have, and we've got to start by getting filled up with God's love.

Everything changes.

Everything changes when we come to God and supernaturally get filled with His love.

We become less critical.

We become less selfish.

We come become more open.

You know and as soon as we realize how much God loves us, it's not long before we realize how much God loves our spouse.

And then we would never want to intimidate them or harm them or hurt them or put them down.

It's a supernatural thing.

But it starts with each of us getting filled up with God's love.

Well, how do we do that?

How do we get God's love?

You know, probably the best example is what Paul wrote.

He prayed.

He got down on his knees and he prayed.

He was asking God to fill us up with his love.

You know what the uh it was it was it was such a huge deal for me.

You know, I I I grew up in church.

Um man, I I mean like at least three times a week.

And uh sometimes uh a lot more than that.

You know, I went to uh to a Bible college.

I I came out and and uh you know I'm going to church all the time, and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I knew that God loved me.

It's weird.

I don't know if you can relate to that.

I don't know if any of you are there now, but for some reason I thought I had done too much, um done too many bad things, thought too many bad things, didn't measure up, all that stuff.

But when when when I realized that God loved me, it blew my mind.

I can't even really describe how that felt.

It was it was overwhelming.

I couldn't believe it.

God, He knows who I am, He loves me, He cares about me.

It just was an overwhelming thing, and it filled me from the inside out.

And it was only then that I had anything to give.

It was only then I had anything to give to uh to Susan that I could really love her.

It was only then that I could overflow with that love into Andrew and Paige.

It's a supernatural thing.

And the if you're not there, the I think the biggest thing we can do is get down on our knees and ask God to show us.

He is a big God.

And I promise you, I promise you, He loves you.

He loves you, He created you, He's got a plan for you, He's got a purpose for you, He He is so excited about you.

And so we just need to ask Him, show us, God.

And He will, supernaturally, He will.

He will pour it into our hearts and into our spirits, and soon we will see how much He loves us.

That's why Paul said, I pray that God will do this.

It's impossible.

This is an impossible thing, but but I pray that He'll do it, that He'll show us the height and depth and breadth and width of God's love.

It's not a natural thing, it's a supernatural thing.

But it's the truth that God loves us.

He loves you, He is not mad at you.

He has not given up on you, He has not forgotten about you.

He loves you, and He can't wait if you ask Him, He cannot wait to pour that into you.

That's where it starts.

We can only give what we have, and we can only get love from our Dad who created us.

And so that's what we can do.

And what I'd ask you to do is maybe just for the next week.

Sometimes if we do things for a week, it can change everything.

Because it changes the way we think and it and we develop some habits, but but for the next week, if every day we can hit our knees or pull over the car or or whatever it is, and ask God to show us how much He loves us.

Not our spouses, not our friends, not the world, us.

Show me God, show me how much you love me, show me how much you care about me.

Show me your heart for me.

And every time that someone puts us down, or more likely we put ourselves down, remind us the truth.

Just say the truth.

That's not true.

I'm valuable.

God created me, He loves me.

Because that's where it's got to start.

We can only give what we have.

Romans 8 38.

It says, I'm convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love.

Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today, nor our worries about tomorrow.

Not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.

No power in the sky above or in the earth below.

Indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So go to Him and get it.

Ask Him to show us, ask Him to fill us up.

I mean, we all need that.

We all need to be reminded of that.

You know, the the thing, I heard something I don't know when.

It's been a few years ago, but but it's really true.

And it was a simple thing, and that is that we leak.

That we leak.

You know, we get filled up, and then we leak.

And so it's not something that we can do once and say, you know, God, show me how much you love me, and then that's it.

We're on our way.

We need constantly to stay connected with God.

That's why Jesus says he's the vine, we're the branches.

We can't do anything without being connected to him because we need his love constantly flowing through us.

We need him constantly telling us about ourselves and who we are.

We constantly need to understand his mind and his ways and apply that every day into his lives.

And so the thing is for us just to keep going to him, keep going to him, keep going to him.

Fill me up.

Learn about him, and and you'll learn about love.

Because he does love us.

And before long, that will start flowing through our relationships.

You know what used to be so hard for me.

I had to try so hard, I had to be so determined, you know.

Man, I'm gonna sit here and and I'm gonna listen to um Andrew tell me about his day because I know it's the right thing to do.

You know, it's not hard anymore because I care about his day.

I want to know what he's thinking, I want to know what's going on in his life.

I care about about Susan and and uh and her heart and her aspirations and all that type stuff.

It's not difficult anymore because I've got something I didn't have for the first 11 years, and that is God's love.

God's love.

We can only give what we have.

And so, you know, as we finish up talking about our marriages, there's so many things we can do that help.

You know, we can learn communication skills, and we can have date nights, and we can do different things that we know are the right things.

But but there is nothing we can do that'll be more important than us each ourselves going to God and getting filled up with his love.

And then we can turn and we can give it to our friends and our co-workers, our schoolmates, and our families.

But we got to get it first, and we can only get that from God.

And so in a minute, we'll pray.

We'll we'll do what we're talking about.

We'll pray and we'll ask God to supernaturally fill us with his love.

If the worship team wants to come up and we'll uh we'll sing one more uh song together.

We'll have the prayer team in the back, and so we can we can get prayer.

You know, the truth is Jesus loves us.

You know, it's the simple and pure gospel of Christ.

That God so loved us, he sent his son.

If we believe in him, we'll have everlasting life, fullness of life, an abundance of life.

And we just first have to turn to him.

It's really just a matter of turning to him, accepting it, saying, you know, I need you, and then and then he takes the big steps.

He fills us up, he fills us with his spirit, and then he strengthens us and he teaches us.

And if we ask him, he'll show us how much he loves us, and he'll fill us with that.

But it starts with uh getting connected with him.

And so, you know, if we're here and we haven't got connected with him, there's nothing else.

There's there's nothing else we could talk about that really gets beyond that step.

We need him.

You know, he's God's our Father.

Jesus came to show us what he's really like and to connect us with him.

We just have to accept that, turn to him, and get connected with him.

Let's uh let's stand and we'll get ready to uh to sing.

You know, one thing that is uh you know, when it when we're talking about love, um I'm trying to think of a different phrase.

The phrase that came into my mind is preaching to the choir, but that is like that's got to be the most Christianized phrase of all time.

Um but y but really you are such a you are such a loving group of people.

And I think one of the reasons that we enjoy being around each other so much, and and God's doing something that's so exciting here is because he is filling us with his love.

And we are pouring that out to other people.

But imagine, you know, as we each go to him every day, and we ask him to to really show us, to, to really fill us, and then we can overflow even more into each other, into our families, and into our marriages.

So let's ask God for that.

Father, I just praise you.

I thank you for being such a great God.

Thank you, thank you, Holy Spirit, uh, for being uh here with us this morning.

And we do ask, just like Paul did, God, that you would supernaturally teach us what would be impossible for us to understand on our own.

Simply how much you love us, how great is your love for us, for every single one of us.

I pray, God, that you would speak into every single one of us this week, that we you would show us how deep and high, how wide, how amazing is your love for us.

Stir up our hearts, God, fill us with you, overflow us, and so we can give to others.

So I praise you, thank you, and trust you in Jesus' name.

Amen.