Boundaries 2 - Guest speaker Chip Judd (afternoon session)

Father, thank you for uh today.

Thanks for us uh being back together.

Holy Spirit, please teach us in Jesus' name.

Amen.

All right.

Y'all doing all right?

All right, appreciate y'all coming back, and we can we're gonna try to hold this to about an hour, and I'm just saying that to uh you know let you kind of know what to expect.

But we can slow down just a little bit and um interact just a little bit.

So what I'm gonna do first is review from this morning.

And if you got this morning, uh obviously we didn't finish it, so I hope you have both sets of notes.

I think they're on this back table back there if you don't have them.

And um and uh Raise your hand if what I did this morning made sense.

Raise your hand if it made sense.

Okay.

I just want to make sure we're on the right page.

I was hurrying a little bit and I wanted to make sure that.

What I'm gonna do is just review some scripture, I mean some of the opening thoughts to just get us back on the same page.

I was looking for my hula hoo.

All right, if so if you would, Brandon, please, sir, hit that first one.

And this is the verse we started with coming to me, all who you labor and are heavy laden, and I'll give you reason.

See, forgot already some of you.

Man.

Good.

And the point is now listen, I've been walking with the Lord.

Forgive me, you know, whatever.

I'm 56 years old.

Let's get out of the way.

I know I look 35, but I'm 56.

But um, I've been walking with the Lord for 34 years.

Got saved a month after I got married.

Why do I tell you that?

Because I'm having a blast, man.

I'm having a blast.

Why do I tell you that?

Because this teaching is part of why.

Listen, I walk into this room, listen to carefully now.

I don't need, say need.

I don't need anything you have.

Nothing.

I want you to like me.

But I don't need you to.

You follow me?

Do you realize how liberating that is?

Do you realize how fun it is to just feel free?

How many of you want to feel free?

Well, it can happen, but it's teachings like this that'll help us get there.

So come to me, all you labor heavy laden, I'll give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you.

Learn from me.

There's some stuff we gotta learn.

From gentle and only heart, you'll find rest for your souls.

For my yoke is easy.

I believe if you're doing what you're responsible for and not doing what you're not responsible for, you're gonna be able to say that.

How many of you could agree if you wake up every day trying to do a job that isn't yours, you're gonna probably get pretty tired.

Or wake up every day trying to get somebody else to do a job that isn't theirs.

You're gonna get pretty tired.

My yoke's easy, my burden light.

Next one, please, sir.

All right, what are boundaries?

And here's where this whole thing comes in.

All right, hit that next one, please.

We're just gonna run through a few of them.

Imagine everybody, just kind of think this silly little, if you could have told me 30 years ago I'd be known for a a sermon with a hula hoop, I'd be like, you gotta be kidding me, right?

But this is I'm known for this silly hula hoop.

But here's the thing if you just imagine yourself with this hanging around you everywhere you go for a while, and everything inside my hula is my responsibility.

Everything inside your hulaop is your responsibility.

Would one of y'all mind coming up here again?

Go ahead.

What's your name?

Caitlin.

Caitlin?

All right, stand right here with me.

Well, you know what?

Stand a step below me.

No, I'm kidding.

I was gonna make you my wife down lower.

No, I'm kidding.

So you're Caitlin.

This is my wife, all right?

We have a circle around the two of us called a marriage, but inside that circle, I live in mine, she lives in hers.

Fair?

So who's responsible for everything inside Caitlin's circle?

Who's responsible for everything inside my circle?

Okay?

Am I responsible for making Caitlin feel loved?

Now, some of you say that like because you know it's the right answer, but you gotta really let that one land on you.

Wait a minute.

I'm her husband.

Can, C-A-N, can I make her feel loved?

No, I cannot.

No, I cannot.

The only person that can make Caitlin feel loved is Caitlin.

I can send waves of love at her.

Who decides whether they get through?

She does.

Who decides whether they are received and enjoyed?

She does.

Now, is Caitlin alone in her circle?

Who's in there with her?

How much of her need for love can God meet?

All of it.

Now listen to me.

I said a minute ago, how'd you like to wake up every day expected to do a job you cannot do?

I can't meet her need for love.

I cannot do it.

So what I've done in my marriage is I just quit.

Now, do I love my wife?

Yes.

I send oodles of love toward my wife.

I love her way more than she loves me.

She's not in here, I don't think, yet.

There she is.

There she is.

Oops, oops.

I send lots of love her way.

Listen, I send lots of love her way, but I do not carry the responsibility of meeting her need for love.

Do you feel the difference?

Okay?

Go ahead and have a seat.

Thank you.

So, next one, please.

Boundaries are defined who I am and for what I'm responsible.

What am I responsible for?

Very simply, everything inside my circle.

Next one, please.

Next one, please.

Remember this.

You make me mad, you make me sad, you make me glad.

Now, can I act in a way that makes it more likely my wife's gonna be mad, glad, or sad?

Right?

Can someone around you act in ways that makes it more likely you might be mad, glad, or sad?

Right?

But are they responsible for your sadness?

Where's your sadness?

In your circle.

If you give them the responsibility, guess what went with it?

The authority and power, I think it's the next slide.

The authority and power to control you.

I don't care how you act.

I'm responsible for how I allow that to affect me.

Does that make sense?

I decide what you do does to me.

Does that make sense?

You can act however you want.

Guess what?

It's inside your circle.

I'm not responsible for it.

However you act, I decide how that affects me.

Make sense?

I'm sitting in my circle and I'm having a sunny beach day in my circle.

I go over to my wife's circle and she's having a cloudy, rainy day in her circle.

And I say, darling, you seem to be having a rainy day in your circle.

Can I be of assistance?

Leave me alone.

Now, am I responsible for her rainy day?

Rarely ever.

But the bottom line is I can offer help.

Darling, can I be of any assistance?

She can say, no.

I can go over here and say, darling, I'm going to be over here having a sunny day in my circle.

If I can be of any help, let me know.

But why do I have to have the same kind of day in my circle she's having in hers?

Are you with me?

All right.

Let's go forward and build on this a little bit.

All right, what's inside my circle?

This is in your notes, I think.

Is this on there?

Yes or no?

Is it?

Okay, don't worry about if it's not.

The only thing I really want you to understand, the first two letters are the most important.

What's inside my circle is my attitudes, my beliefs.

You don't have to write it down.

All I want you to get is if it's in my circle, it's my responsibility.

So all of that, my choices, my sexuality, my fear, that's my responsibility.

If it's in my circle, it's my responsibility.

Make sense?

All right, next one, please.

Am I alone in here?

Who's in here with me?

Is anybody else in here with me?

Nobody's in here with me.

Now, just for those of you that are different stages of your life, parenting and stuff, I'm in a circle, my wife's in a circle, there's another circle surrounding us called a marriage.

Temporarily, there's another circle including whom?

My children.

But at some point in their life, God help me, I'm gonna kick them out of my circle.

Right?

My goal is get out of here.

Right?

Your job is to raise a child that does not need you.

And we'll probably talk more about that in a minute.

So I'm in my circle with God, my wife's in her circle with God, we share a circle called a marriage.

Temporarily, we have a circle with children.

All of our youngest is 26, so they're gone.

All right, next one, please, sir.

All right, this is in your notes.

If you have healthy boundaries, this is what it will look like.

If you have healthy boundaries, you know yourself, like yourself, and you're able to be yourself.

Now, I love this particular one.

I could probably take the rest of the day and talk about this one.

Now, we're not going to, but I could.

How many of you'd agree with this statement?

Comparison is the root of all inferiority.

Comparison is the root of all inferiority.

Who do you spend the most time with?

You ever thought about that?

The person you spend the most time with is yourself.

How many of you think it'd probably be smart to learn to like the person you spend the most of your time with?

Right?

How many of you believe God made you?

Alright, put your hand down.

Now, think about it hard.

Do you how many of you really believe God made you?

You are the product of God's creativity.

Yes?

Hold your hand up, leave it there for a minute.

So you believe God made you.

You are his workmanship.

Yes or no?

How many of you spent lots of time criticizing his work?

You following me?

How many of you know this one?

Jesus, what's the greatest commandment?

Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Love your neighbor.

How many of you know we got a problem?

I'm gonna love my neighbor as I love myself.

Hmm.

Listen to me.

The hardest person you'll ever have to love is the one sitting in your chair.

The hardest person you're ever gonna have to learn to love is the one sitting in your chair.

If you learn to love yourself, what does that mean?

If you just learn to look in the mirror and say, you know what, God?

I'm okay.

I'm alright.

I look in the mirror and I say, you know what, dude?

If I was your friend, I think I'd like you.

You know what I mean?

How many lives are you gonna get?

I mean, y'all believe in reincarnation around here?

How many lives you get?

Any of any of you expecting a do-over?

You know, you get in front of God and say, God, can I try that one more time?

Now think about it a minute.

Nobody in this room believes you're gonna get another chance.

Wouldn't it be smart to enjoy the person you got a journey with?

Now, I don't mean to make it sound that simple, but it is.

I mean, some people, you just gotta deal with this simple question.

What's it gonna take for me to like myself?

What's it gonna take for me to just get comfortable inside my skin?

I love this definition of humility.

I don't remember where I got it.

Humility is not needing to be anything more than you are.

Not needing to be anything more than you are.

I spent, I'm 56, I spent most of my life not liking me.

Now, why did I not like me?

Because the people that raised me weren't very good at communicating unconditional love and acceptance.

So, somewhere in my 20s, I got saved and I started to become aware that childhood really affects you and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But how many of you know there's a point somewhere in there where I've got to stop saying to myself, why did they keep doing this to me?

Because eventually, who's the one making me feel bad about me?

I am.

My dad didn't say awful things to me throughout my entire adult life.

Now, as a child, he did.

As an adult, he didn't.

But who did keep saying bad things to me?

I did.

Do you realize that I found in all the years of counseling that there's a point in our life that we we become our own abuser?

We become our own abuser.

My father would say things like this you're lazy and you'll never amount to anything.

You know what I figured out recently?

He probably didn't say that phrase five times.

I've probably said it hundreds of times.

Hundreds.

Now, is he doing that to me in my adult life?

I was.

Now we don't have time to dwell here, but here's one of the most important things I've learned.

One of the most important things I've learned is how to say nice things to myself about myself?

How many of you like at least one thing about yourself?

How many of you don't like at least one thing?

How many of you talk more about that one than you do the other one?

How many of you would be creeped out if you stood in front of the mirror and told yourself how much you liked yourself?

How many of you creep you out pretty good?

You ought to try it sometime.

How many of you think if God could, he would say really nice things to you about you?

Raise your hand if you think he would.

Well, what if you just made room in your heart for that?

What if you just let God start being nicer to you?

Because it's going to be really hard to have healthy boundaries if you don't like yourself.

It really is.

It's pretty lonely inside that circle, even with God in there, if nobody in that circle likes you.

You follow me?

You know what I figured out?

I was doing counsel with this guy one time.

Never had met him before.

He came in, never laid eyes on him.

Came in, he's this bundle of energy and bunches of issues.

And we just did our thing and off he went.

Came back the next week, and I'm not kidding you, I wish I'd had before and after pictures.

He looked physically different.

And I was like, hmm, what's going on?

So I couldn't wait, you know, and I kind of, you know, I started talking, and he was busting a gut to tell me something.

I said, dude, what is going on?

He said, you said something last week that rocked my world.

He said, I've never heard anybody say it before in my life.

I said, please tell me, what did I say?

He said, we were talking about, you know, God and this, that, and the other.

And he said, you said this phrase.

God is the nicest person I've ever met.

He said, I've never heard anybody talk about God like that.

I'm telling you right now, God is the nicest person I've ever met.

He's always in a good mood.

He's wonderful.

And he's so waiting for you to let him love you.

Can a person frustrate God?

Yes or no?

Yes?

If it's yes, put your hand up.

Can a person frustrate God?

Now, normally, you ask a group of Christians, how do we frustrate God?

What are they going to say?

The S word.

Sin.

Oh, your sin frustrates God.

Can I give you all a little secret?

Your sin doesn't frustrate God.

Not a bit.

Judy, you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding you.

Your sin does not frustrate God.

Frustrate means that a plan's in motion and you stop it from happening.

Your sin doesn't stop God's plan.

How many of you think Jesus took care of our sin?

Guess what?

Your sin is not God's problem.

You know what his problem is?

You won't let him love you.

You know what frustrates God?

We won't let him love us.

I have this picture of Jesus standing up next to God, sitting on his throne.

He looks down at us and he watches us crawl into his presence.

And I picture Jesus just saying, What else do I need to do?

God, listen to me.

God is yearning to get his hands on you.

God is yearning to hold you and tell you how much he loves you.

But you know what?

Other people that were supposed to didn't.

So we kind of quit expecting it.

I beg you, wake that part of you back up.

Because God wants to hold you.

I have times with God where he holds me, and I just cry like a baby.

And he says things to me that my earthly father never said.

I've forgiven him and I led him to the Lord before he passed away.

But my father, I switched fathers.

I switched fathers.

Now I know myself, I like myself, and I'm able to be myself.

Everywhere I go, I'm just me.

You know what I figured out?

Everybody doesn't like me.

You know what?

I don't care.

Because who does like me?

God.

You mind me picking on you?

I know this isn't true.

He doesn't like me.

God likes me.

He doesn't like me.

God likes me.

He doesn't like me.

God likes me.

He's an idiot.

Now, really, listen to me.

Why would I let someone not liking me ruin my day?

God likes me.

I've got bad news for you guys.

I'm his favorite.

It's true, I'm sorry.

Next one, please.

We got to get through these.

What was that?

I told you I'm his favorite.

One of you was saying you were, and he said, no.

All right.

If you have healthy boundaries, you've learned healthy ways to get your needs met.

If you're taking notes, write underneath that, God, number one source.

Please, if you're taking notes, write this statement, phrase, whatever you want to call it.

These two words, first and most.

First and most.

First and most.

When your eyes open in the morning, who's the first person whose love you should reach out for?

God's.

What about your spouse lying next to you?

No.

What about your kids?

No.

What about your parents?

No.

My eyes open up and I say, God, are you there?

I'm here, Chipper.

You love me?

Oh, Chipper, I love you.

I couldn't wait for you to wake up.

We're going to have a good day, God?

I got a cool day planned for you, Chipper.

How'd you like to start your day like that?

Listen, forgive me for these weird ways of saying things.

I have not spent one second feeling unloved in about a decade.

Now I don't really know.

But it's been years since I felt unloved.

Why?

Because my wife's perfect.

To be honest with you, she's pretty close.

I taught her well.

No.

Truthfully, she's an amazing woman and an amazing wife.

But that's not it.

I've learned how to receive and rest in God's love.

And that's where I start my day.

So, God's your number one source.

You go to God first.

Say first and most.

First.

What if you trained yourself to go to God?

I don't feel loved.

Where do you go?

God.

You're going through the day.

I don't feel loved.

Where do you go?

God.

First most.

First most.

Next one, please.

If you have healthy boundaries, you're able to say no and hear no without paralyzing fears.

How many of you agree that in our culture it's kind of tricky to say no to people?

Say no one time.

Say it real high.

No.

Say it real low.

No.

Say it real loud.

Say it real soft.

Now, I believe you should practice saying no.

You should drive in your car.

No, no, no, no, no.

I said N-O.

Is there something about that you don't understand?

Then take a picture of someone who's hard to say no to, tape it to your rear view mirror, and drive around saying no to them.

I said no, mom, dad, husband, wife, children, whatever.

I said, is there something about that word you don't get?

Now that part I wouldn't really be serious about.

But the other part I am.

You should practice letting the word no roll off of your lips.

No.

No, no, no, no.

All right, listen to this simple thought.

If you can't say no, you can't say yes.

Dude, what are you talking about?

Imagine Colleen and I are at church, and somebody comes to us and says, Chip, can you and Colleen come to dinner Saturday night?

Now, we've already got plans for Saturday night.

We're going to sit on the couch eating popcorn watching a movie.

How many of you think that's a pretty good plan?

Where's my Saturday night?

Where's my Saturday night?

Right?

All right.

I have not been to the School of Boundaries, so I just I can't say no.

So, sister, brother, doodad, can you and Colleen come to dinner Saturday night?

I can't say no, so what do I say?

Sure, we'll be there.

What am I thinking?

Now, I'm thinking, why do they keep doing that to me?

Who did that to me?

I did.

So, what am I feeling when I drive over there Saturday night?

I'm all vexed up and angry.

How's the night go?

Plastered on smile and I get through the night.

Now, here's a million-dollar question.

Can God bless what I did?

Hmm, you're getting smart.

You're scared to answer.

Let me ask you a different way.

If somebody steals your wallet and it has a hundred bucks in it, can you tell God that was your tithe?

In other words, if someone takes something from you, can you tell them you want credit of it as a gift?

So if somebody takes it, let me show you how I mean it.

Let's back it up.

Now I've been to the School of Boundaries and I can say no.

Brother and Sister Doodad come and say, Chip, can you and Colleen come to dinner Saturday?

I'm picturing my wife and I, oh, ooh, all cuddled up on the couch eating popcorn with that stupid little dog of hers and watching a movie.

I'm picturing that inside my circle.

You know what?

We can't make it.

Sorry.

Now what do they want right away?

They they feel, listen, entitled to an explanation.

How did our culture get so crazy?

So I say no, they start to kind of twitch, you know, like then they start to walk away.

Am I alone in my circle?

Who's in my circle with me?

Gone.

They start to walk away.

The living God says, Chipper, they could really use some time with you.

Would you listen?

Please give them your Saturday night.

Now listen, because I could say no, now I can say yes.

So I say, you know what?

Wait a minute, dude.

Let me talk to my wonderful wife and see if we can make some changes.

And I think we might be able to come over Saturday night.

Now, how am I feeling?

Do I feel robbed and resentful and angry?

I'm excited.

This is a God thing.

And nobody took it from me.

I gave it.

Now what am I feeling as I drive over there?

I'm excited.

If you don't recover the power, if you will, to say no, then you don't have any power in your yes.

You with me?

Alright?

Next one, please.

If you have healthy boundaries, you take responsibility for the consequences of your choices.

Your choices are in your circle, you're responsible for them and the consequences they produce.

Alright, next one, please.

If you have healthy boundaries, you have realistic expectations in relationships.

Now we're going to talk more about that one when we talk about how to fix our boundaries.

So we're going to we'll come back to that one.

So next one, please, sir.

If you have healthy boundaries, you're able to manage your emotional responses and cycles.

Please note we didn't use the word control.

I don't like the word control in the sense that we're using it here.

Control in relationships is an illusion.

It's never real.

So the issue is I don't want to control myself, I want to manage myself.

And I don't want to be a flat line.

I want life to be emotional waves.

Every once in a while life slaps me a bit, but we get it back under control and all that.

All right, next one, please.

If I have healthy boundaries, I love this one.

You allow others to experience the consequences of their choices.

Now, for somebody in this room, I promise you there's at least half a dozen or more, that this phrase is going to mean a lot to you.

It'll set you free.

Let me tell you, write a phrase, but let me tell you when to start writing.

If you have healthy boundaries in this area, you are, start writing here, able, able to watch, able to watch loved ones suffer.

If you have healthy boundaries, you're able to watch loved ones suffer.

Dude, what are you saying?

Let's start easy.

Two-year-old.

Johnny, if you want a snack, clean up your blocks, and you can have a snack.

Now, please don't think a two-year-old can't understand that.

A two-year-old can understand that.

Yes or no?

So you come back 15 minutes later, blocks are still strewn all over the floor.

So you say, Johnny, you have decided to not have a snack.

No, I didn't.

I want a snack.

No, I'm afraid not, Johnny.

I said, if you want a snack, clean up your blocks.

You've not cleaned up your blocks.

You must not want a snack.

Now you follow me.

Now, if you can't watch Johnny suffer.

And you say, Well, bless your heart.

Here's your snack.

What did you just teach Johnny?

You ready for some hard truth?

You just taught Johnny that you're a liar and a coward.

You are a liar and a coward.

You don't mean what you say and you're afraid of him.

You need him to like you so much, you can't enforce consequences.

Got quiet, didn't it?

You realize the book of Proverbs says that if you don't discipline your son, you hate him.

If you don't discipline your children, you hate them.

Why?

Because you're crippling them.

What do you mean by that?

How many of you know life doesn't work that way?

The employer's not going to say, oh, you didn't get it done.

That's cool.

Here's your paycheck.

Oh, you're late for the 56th day in a row.

That's cool.

That's cool.

We love you, man.

You're awesome.

How many of you want to prepare your kids for life?

Guess how you spell life in the context of this moment?

R-E-A-L-I-T-Y.

It's called reality.

If you want to prepare your kids for life, introduce them to reality as quickly as possible.

Now Johnny's 12.

Johnny, clean up your room, make your bed before you go to school.

If you do not, when you get home today, you will sit in your room with no electronic devices for 30 minutes.

Johnny goes to school, riding home that day on the bus.

Oh man, I forgot to make my bed.

I'm gonna have to sit in my stupid room for 30 minutes.

Walks in the door, nobody's saying anything about his bed.

He goes to his room, his bed is magically made.

His room's clean.

And there's milk and cookies on the bedside table.

Did Johnny learn anything?

Oh yeah, he did.

Oh yeah, he did.

He learned I can do anything I want, and it always ends well.

It doesn't matter what kind of decision I make, it ends well.

Is that reality?

No.

How do you learn to make good decisions?

Alright now, you gotta hear the whole thing now.

You learn to make good decisions by making bad decisions.

Key word, if you pay for them.

You learn to make good decisions by making bad decisions.

If you pay for them.

If you make the bad decision, somebody else pays for it.

You don't learn to make good decisions.

You learn this weird warped reality that I can make really bad decisions and it doesn't hurt me, it hurts everybody else but me.

How many of you know healthy reality is you make the mess.

You clean it up.

How many of you know it sounds cute at 12 and it's over a big bed?

How many of you know it's not so cute at 18, 22, 23, 25?

When you're picking them up at jail?

Because they don't understand, ooh, they're not gonna let me off the hook like you did.

Am I talking to anybody in the right room?

Parenting, in my opinion, is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.

Building a great marriage is hard.

Parenting's even harder.

Can anybody say yes or no to that one?

Tricky stuff.

But you've got to learn.

Now, you guys are into helping people recover lives that are in disarray, which is reality.

Guess what?

You gotta learn this stuff.

How many of you know sometimes help isn't help?

I was a young Christian, not old at all, year two, three, I don't know.

And I was a deacon at the church, and this family needed help financially.

We, you know, we were having a little church business meeting.

Our church had 70 people in it, having this church business meeting to decide how much money we could afford to give them.

Well, we went to pray, and I had this picture instantly in my mind.

And what I saw was like a bucket with holes in it.

And we were pouring money in the top, and it was just running out the bottom.

And I shared it with the pastor and the other leaders.

And they said, Well, you got the vision.

What do you think it means?

I said, I think it means this family has holes in the way they handle their money, and if we don't help them plug the holes, we're gonna have to keep giving them money forever.

Well, if you love people, you're supposed to help them.

But what is help?

How many of you would agree with me that help in that case was not giving them more money without any conditions?

It was giving them money and requiring them to take some steps to plug the holes.

Yes or no?

You follow what I'm trying to say here.

Next one, please.

If you have healthy boundaries, you don't manipulate or attempt to control others.

And we don't have time to develop all these, but that's pretty obvious.

Next one, please.

You also recognize and resist the attempts of others to control you.

How many of you think it's okay to notice somebody's manipulating you and just say, you know, I don't appreciate that?

Very sure if you think that's okay.

Every time, no.

But occasionally with someone I love and have the bank account with, I say, you know, dude, I don't appreciate you treating me like that.

I'd rather you be more direct.

You know.

Next one, please.

If you have healthy boundaries, you're able to make and keep promises to yourself.

Uh Stephen Covey would call that's his definition of integrity.

Now, all of these are works in progress.

You don't have to have all this working, but this is kind of what you're working toward.

Okay?

All right, next one, please.

How many of you know the serenity prayer?

Isn't it a cool prayer?

But listen to it now in the context of boundaries.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Is that probably inside or outside of my circle?

Probably outside of my circle.

Help me to be sensitive to what's not in my circle, the courage to change the things that I can, where's that probably?

Inside my circle, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Isn't that cool?

Next one, please.

Here's what happens when you don't have healthy boundaries.

One way or another, you're gonna enable someone else's lack of responsibility.

If if if there's a relationship where one or the other of them is saying, you make me mad.

Now my anger's in my circle, so it's my responsibility, but if you allow me to get away with that, you make me mad, you're taking responsibility for something in my circle.

You follow me?

You're attempting to do a job you can't do.

I'm giving up the responsibility to do a job that I can do.

Does that make sense?

So, what that produces is enabling, in the middle, sooner or later, I'm neglecting myself because I'm so busy doing your job for you, and then eventually I just start building up resentment towards you that I'm having to clean up your mess all the time.

Does that make sense?

My wife and I have a great relationship, but we've learned to walk in this stuff, and that means I expend my energy working in my circle, assisting her when she needs or asks.

She expends her energy working in her circle and assisting me whenever I need or ask.

But I'm not responsible for what's in her circle, she's not responsible for what's in mine.

All right?

Next one, please.

All right.

If you're gonna fix your boundaries, this is your second sheet, the second sheet of notes.

If you're gonna start fixing your boundaries, this is one of the key thoughts.

Start with your circle.

Let's say you're in a situation where the boundaries are a bit messed up.

How many of you think it's smart to say something like this?

If you'll work on yours, I'll work on mine.

Is that very smart?

You might as well just kind of get a picnic basket and camp out because you ain't going nowhere.

Now, if you start working on your boundaries, does that guarantee you the other person's gonna follow?

But let me ask you this if you don't work on your boundaries, does that pretty much guarantee you nothing's gonna change?

You follow what I'm trying to say.

This is no guarantee everybody around you is gonna throw a party for you.

But if you start working on your boundaries, you're going to feel better.

Right away?

Maybe not.

But eventually.

Look at that second statement there.

Well, the first one, you don't have to wait on anyone else.

Freedom comes from taking responsibility, bondage from giving it away.

When I learned to take responsibility for getting my need for love met, where's my need for love?

Inside my circle.

Who's in here with me?

Now, I took responsibility for getting my need for love met.

I wake up every day and every room I go into, I go into it already full.

Let that one land a second.

So, I wake up in the morning.

Who do I look to first and most to get my need for love met?

All right, I look to God first and most to get my need for love met.

Now I turn my attention toward my wife.

What is it to do?

To give or to get?

Guess how freeing it is that she can have whatever kind of day she wants to have, and it doesn't affect whether or not I feel loved.

You realize how freeing.

Do I want my wife to love me like the air I breathe?

But do I need her to love me for me to feel loved?

No.

Why?

God meets my need, and I've taken responsibility for getting my need met.

Next slide, please, sir.

Remember the statement we talked about this morning.

More people suffer from trying to change or control others than any other disease.

Next one, please.

All right, I love this simple thought.

Since you can't change anyone else, change yourself so their behavior no longer works on you.

What usually gets you in trouble with someone is some need that you're looking for them to meet.

I need to feel respected.

I need to feel accepted.

I need to feel approved.

I need to feel safe.

I need to feel fill in the blank.

All right?

Who do I look to first and most?

God.

So I go to God to feel secured, accepted, safe, etc., etc., etc.

Now I turn to you.

I want you to accept me.

I do not need you to accept me.

Do you feel the difference?

Why don't I need him to?

I got my need met by God.

You with me?

Telling you, my test of good theology is how does it live?

This lives good.

I know it's not correct English.

This lives good.

Man, it lives good.

Next one, please.

Own your emotions.

Lord, we could talk till 5 o'clock on emotions.

I love to talk about emotions.

Most I might have talked about this last time I was here for just a second.

Most people have this idea.

You're walking down the road and depression mugs you.

It's like depression comes from out here and jumps on you, wrestles you to the ground, and beats you up.

Please listen to me.

Please, please.

That statement there.

Every emotion you feel is self-generated.

When you feel depressed, you have depressed yourself.

Now I am not talking about physiological chemical depression.

So you get a pass.

And I mean that.

I don't mean that sarcastically.

That's different.

But the majority of us in this room, when we feel depressed, it's because we are giving something outside of our circle more power than it deserves.

Say yes if that makes sense.

So emotions are one of those key things that if you take responsibility for them, you can learn to manage them.

Next one, please.

Is this in your notes, this rock and ripple thing?

Okay, imagine the smooth little pond, and that's your emotional state.

What happens when you put a rock in it, drop a rock in it?

What does it call?

Ripples.

How big are the ripples?

Bigger rock, bigger ripples, right?

Alright.

What if somebody drops a one-inch rock and they get slapped with a two-foot wave?

What happened?

How many of you have ever done that to someone?

Someone does something that touches pain from your past and you slap them as if they caused the pain in your past.

Say yes if I'm in the right room.

All right.

If the ripples are bigger than the rock, next slide, it's not the rock's fault.

If your responses are out of proportion to the event that caused them, it's not the event's issue.

It's yours.

Does that make sense?

A lot of times in marriage counseling, I'm sitting with a couple and I'm watching them punish and respond to each other for things someone did before they ever laid eyes on each other.

I had stuff with my mom that I took out on my wife until God helped me catch it.

And I got the two-foot wave back down to the sides of the rock.

Does that make sense?

But you've got to be mindful of that.

This one will help.

Next one, please.

Alright, the key word bombs, our word, next one.

The key thought is responsibility is your ability to choose your response.

If you ever give up the right and responsibility of choosing, if you want to, write this thought this thought somewhere.

Choice equals power.

Choice equals power.

If I can choose it, I can change it.

If I can't choose it, I can't change it.

Correct?

Choice is power.

If I can choose it, I can change it.

If I can't choose it, I can't change it.

Alright.

Can I choose how you act toward me?

So can I change it?

Can I choose my response to how you act toward me?

Then guess what I can do?

I can change it.

You follow what I just did.

My ability to choose my response is inside my circle.

What he chooses to do toward me is inside his circle.

I can't choose what he does toward me.

I can choose what effect it has on me.

Say yes if I'm making sense.

Alright, look at this one.

All right.

I gotta walk over here to read it.

You've been invited to a party taking place this evening.

This morning, uh, you overhear someone saying some bad things about you to your friends.

All right, let's get it straight.

You've been invited to a party, you overhear some people saying bad things about you.

Okay?

Hit it one time.

All right.

Here's one response.

My thought.

Remember, thinking is just talking to yourself.

So I'm saying to myself, well, they must all think the same.

No one likes me.

How does that end up causing me to feel?

Low, rejected, angry.

What does that produce?

I don't go to the party.

That night I'm sitting at home watching TV.

What am I thinking?

I bet they're all having a good time, a good laugh behind my back.

What am I feeling?

Low, rejected, and sad.

Now look at the thing over here on the right.

Who did that to me?

Now, could I control the top block?

I can't decide how they respond toward me.

What can I decide?

How I respond to what they did.

Alright, hit it one more time, please, sir.

Alright, here's the difference.

Same event, exact same event.

Now I'm thinking slash saying to myself, you can't win everyone over.

Why would they invite me if they didn't like me?

How am I feeling?

Slightly hurt, but self-assured.

What do I end up doing?

Going to the party.

What's the situation?

Now I'm at the party, having a great time.

What am I saying to myself?

I'm having a lot of fun with my friends.

They obviously do like me, so I can forget about what he said.

What's my resulting feeling?

Great confidence, slightly relieved.

Now, million-dollar thought.

Where did the change happen?

Do your finger.

Act like you're looking for something in the room.

Land right here.

That whole situation and how it affected you changed just by what you said to yourself about the situation.

For instance, he doesn't like me.

I don't care, dude.

Now, would I tell him that?

Probably not.

But I would tell me that.

He doesn't, he obviously doesn't like me.

I'd be like, dude, have a good life.

Why would I let why would I give up my power?

And I don't mean that in, I was gonna say an Oprah way.

I don't mean that in a new age way.

But why would I give up my responsibility, authority, and power?

I decide what goes on inside my circle.

And I decide whatever you decide to do, I decide how that affects me.

I decide.

Can you say yes?

Now, is this automatic, instant, and easy?

No.

But I just love you too much to not tell you the truth.

Nobody else is gonna do this for you.

Nobody else is gonna do this for you.

In fact, quite honestly, just the opposite.

They're gonna take advantage of you like crazy if you don't learn to do it.

How many people do we know, young people in particular, that do things that violate the essence of who they are because they just aren't secure enough to set and enforce boundaries?

How many of us in this room did the same thing?

We gave up pieces of ourselves.

Some of us are still doing it.

Nobody else is going to do this for you.

I know this is a bit harsh in the sense of, wow, dude, this is like senior varsity stuff.

I'm telling you, life feels a whole lot better when you decide how other people's actions toward you affect you.

Next one, please.

Build a support system.

What do you mean?

Most of us learned our boundaries in a family.

Most of us are probably still a part of that family.

It's hard to change.

So what you have to do is find a support system that's not a part of that way of doing things that can help you practice doing it better.

And then you go back in, try it, come back to your support group and say, that didn't work too well.

You follow me?

How many of you think parents can violate the boundaries of their children?

You think that ever happens?

Christians, not for sure, right?

Happens all the time.

So here's two words I love: gentle but firm.

My goal in doing my boundaries is I want to be as gentle as I can possibly be, but firm as a rock.

I want you to, I'm smiling, man, this dude's pretty nice, but when I say no, it's like you hit a wall.

Boom.

He's nice, but he kind of means what he says.

Wouldn't you like to be known for that?

Alright, an idol, I D O L is anyone or anything you use to meet a need only God can beat.

Who can meet your need for love?

Who's the only person who can meet your need for love?

Can anybody else meet your need for love?

They can't.

It isn't that they could but won't.

They can't.

They can't.

The only smart thing to do is learn to go to God.

Next one, please.

If you have loving people in your life who will speak the truth to you, what do you think you ought to do?

Pay them.

If you have somebody in your life who loves you, I mean you feel love from them, but they've proven at times that they're willing to say hard things to you when you need to hear them.

Please pay them and never lose them.

A person who loves you and will speak the truth to you is worth their weight in gold.

I love this way of saying it.

Gap finders.

Gap finders are a dime a dozen.

Gap fillers are worth their weight in gold.

You know what I found counseling?

Recognizing the problem's easy.

We could talk ten minutes and I could say, I know what your issue is, ma'am.

Now, for me to, it might take me three months to really help her see her issue.

Might take me another month or two to help her develop a strategy to solve her issue.

Pointing out what's wrong, the devil can do that.

Walking with somebody lovingly while they work on their stuff.

Now that's a little trickier.

Amen.

Next one, please.

Clean up your language.

Use I statements, not you statements.

What does that mean?

I think, I feel, I want, I need, not.

Well, what you really meant by that, what you really were thinking, you gotta practice.

If it's in my circle, I'm responsible for it.

If it isn't, I'm not.

So speak for the person you have some authority, hopefully, over yourself.

Next one, please.

Watch phrases like, you make me, and you might want to write mad, glad, or sad, just because it'll trigger your thoughts.

You make me mad, glad, sad.

Now, another one I might want to ask you to write is this.

I love to play with these two words.

I want verses I need.

The more I do that, I really like how it feels.

Like it's cool to get up in front of you to talk, and I say this to myself.

I don't really do it anymore.

I used to do it because I needed to, but I don't need to anymore because I've done it so much.

But I used to get up in front of a group of people and I'd say this to myself.

I want them to like me, but I don't need them to like me.

What that did was it just lowered my anxiety.

If they don't like me, I just probably won't get invited back to this church.

But I'll be okay.

But I used to need you to like me.

You feel the difference.

So you're going in a situation, you can do that.

You could say, you know, I really, really, really would like this to go well.

But you know what?

I don't need it to.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

You feel the difference.

Realize all of that's happening between your ears.

And you can determine how much that moment affects you by the way you frame it.

In counseling we call it reframing.

All right, next one please.

Here's just some quick examples.

Stop yelling at me.

You must be nicer.

If I'm standing here and I'm saying to this guy, stop yelling at me.

Where's his yelling?

In his circle.

Is it in my circle?

His yelling's in his circle.

Can I stop him from yelling?

Why would I bother even saying it?

Look at the other one.

You could continue to yell, dude.

It's in your circle.

But you know what?

I'm not going to be around you when you do, because that's in my circle.

You feel the difference.

Alright, hit the next one.

You've just got to stop drinking.

Where's his drinking?

In his circle.

Why am I wasting my breath to talk about something in his circle?

All I want to do is say, dude, it's in your circle, have at it.

But here's the deal.

In my circle, I ain't putting up with it.

I'm done.

Have at it.

You feel the difference.

And you'll I'm gonna I'm rushing because I'm gonna show you a good way to do this in a second.

Next one, please.

Alright, here's what I was getting to.

Let's say you love somebody, but you really need to confront something.

This is in your notes.

Twenty-five years ago, ish, a lady who's been my secretary for 15 years, probably, 10 years at least, but she wasn't then.

Part of our church comes to me and says, Would you see a friend of mine that's not a part of our church?

I said, Sure.

This is like 25 years ago.

There they sit.

My secretary now, this friend of hers.

Bottom line, husband's an alcoholic, loves him, wants to stay married to him, but just can't do it anymore.

Can't live this way.

So here's what I said.

Go home and tell him, I love you.

I'm honored to be married to you.

I would be thrilled to spend the rest of my life with you.

When I stood at that altar and said our vows, I meant every word I said.

Anyone know the next word?

But number two, but I will not live this way any longer.

What do I do next?

Tell him either he goes with you to counseling and help, or you will stay married to him at a separate address that he will pay for.

And in South Carolina, that is what would happen.

Thank God for our pretty decent laws.

So, guess what I had sitting in front of me next week?

This really mad guy.

This really mad guy.

Guess what I never brought up?

I never brought his drinking up.

I just looked him in the eye and I said, sir, do you love this wonderful woman?

Yes, sir, I do.

Would you like to stay married to her?

Yes, sir, I would.

Would you like to learn how to have a great marriage?

I really would.

You willing to work on it?

Yes, sir, I am.

We met for months.

Dude got saved.

Does it always work out well, by the way?

No, it doesn't.

But it does sometimes.

Dude got saved.

Their marriage just is famous in our church, in our whole community, really.

I call him the cuddle king.

He loves to cuddle with his wife on the couch.

He's in his 60s, 70, pretty close, and he loves to cuddle.

He's just a great guy.

But it all boiled down to this kind of a moment.

I love you.

Lay that on as authentically as possible, then explain boundaries and limits, and then define the consequences.

Does that make sense?

And there's times when you gotta do that.

There are times when people's lives are so out of control, the only tool at your disposal is consequences.

And that's an awful place to be.

But you work with what you have to work with.

Next one.

I think we're just about finished.

Yeah.

Any more blanks?

Get an outsider professional perspective when needed.

Sometimes your boundaries are messed up enough you just need somebody from the outside to help you start sorting them out.

All right.

Now look at this scripture.

This is from the message.

It's about the fruit of the Spirit.

God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.

There is no law against behaving in any of these ways.

Isn't that a cool scripture?

Now I believe that is what a proper application of boundaries can do for you.

I just had a thought that I'm confident I have not said yet.

Write this thought down.

Self-care, self-care is not self-ish.

Self-care is not self-ish.

You follow me?

Boundaries are about self-care, not self-ishness.

Well, bless you guys.

I think we're about to wind up here.

Appreciate y'all coming back for the afternoon.

And uh been fun to be here with you guys.

Thanks, Chip.

The uh Chip will be back.

I don't know, I don't know when, but he'll be back uh with us again.

And I meant it when I said you know, we've got a couple new new friends in Chip and Colleen, so we're honored um with that.

The resources are great.

You know, and I know that I can sense this, you know, how do we get more?

Can we do it one-on-one?

What you know, get get uh the resources, maybe get the podcast from today and listen to them again.

My experience when uh when I started trying to walk out boundaries, and now when I still see areas that I need to apply them, you know, it's a little clunky and it takes a lot of processing.

And and uh thank God we have the Holy Spirit to to show us uh how to how to walk that uh out and thank God that He brings people like uh Chip to teach us about it.

All right, let's uh let's pray.

Oh, go ahead, go ahead.

The uh thank you.

I'm gonna stay in my hoop this week the best I make sure God's in there with me.

Um Father, thank you so much for being such a great God, for adopting us as your kids, for teaching us, um, for uh for giving us uh your spirit, connecting with our spirit and the and the strength to walk this out.

So we do ask you to guide us this week, to to show us how to create strong boundaries and uh and to walk that out in our lives.

Uh we praise you, we thank you, we thank you.