Avoiding the #1 Relationship Mistake by Chip Judd

Please welcome uh Chip Chen.

All right, how y'all doing this morning?

Man, I enjoy being here with you guys.

I really do, my wonderful wife and I.

Why don't you stand up for just a second, baby?

That's Colleen, my my wife of 34 wonderful years.

And uh we're just glad to be here.

We we love the atmosphere you create.

You know, uh Pastor just made reference to you guys not being typical as an outsider.

Can I say y'all are actually a little strange?

But how many of you know strange is good, right?

In this day and time?

All right.

Well, we're gonna talk about two uh last time I was here, I was gonna say two weeks ago, but it's not true.

Last time I was here, we talked about what I would consider the second most important thing that I've learned in the last 15 or 20 years walking with the Lord that has really helped me live life.

Just grab it by the throat and live it.

What we're gonna talk about, that was the second most important thing.

What we're gonna talk about today is the most important thing I've learned in 20 years about life, love, and everything else.

And most of you know I'm I've been a pastor for over 25 years, but I've also been a marriage and family counselor for over 25 years.

Now I'm saying that to say this.

I want you to imagine what my life looks like.

On a normal week, I spend right now about 15 or so, 15 to 20 hours, eyeball to eyeball, with people, individuals, marriages, families.

I've got appointments tomorrow.

I've got appointments Tuesday, and I'm dealing with broken families, hurting families, addiction issues, sexual issues, all kinds of stuff.

Now, I'm saying all that to say this.

Look at that statement up there.

What we're gonna talk about today, not that I'm all that in a bag of chips, but I've been banging around doing this for a while.

And I'm gonna tell you this morning about what I believe after 25 plus years as a pastor and counselor, what I believe is the number one relationship mistake most of us in this room, I'm not talking about out there, I'm talking about most of us in this room are still doing.

How many of you want to hear about that?

Now, how many of you know something can be simple but not easy?

Say simple but not easy.

Alright, so here's what we're gonna, I want you to look at today.

I want you to look at today.

I know this is a little weird maybe, but look at it as if you and I, or you and your marriage or whatever, whatever unit you're here with.

I want you to imagine I'm sitting down with you and we're walking through a flip chart, like a coaching session.

I'm gonna really be careful to stay calm.

You know, I get a little excited sometimes, but I really want to I want you to think of this like a coaching session.

And what's gonna happen is these slides as we go through them are just gonna walk you through this thought process.

And I want you to think about where you are relationally.

How many of you have at least one relationship that gives you a little bit of trouble?

Point to them.

Well, we're gonna talk about something.

Listen now.

What we're gonna talk about today will touch, affect, have impact on every single relationship you have.

Every single one.

All right?

So we're just gonna gently roll through this thing.

Next slide, please, sir.

They came to Jesus one time, and you know, they were at this point in the in the Gospels, they were just trying to get him.

They were just trying to catch him doing things so they could get them in trouble.

Well, one of the religious leaders, uh, teachers of the law, came and they and they thought, well, let's set them up.

So they said, Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?

Now you gotta picture this now.

How many of you think Jesus was a pretty sharp dude?

He's a pretty sharp fella.

So he's, you know, you can just kind of picture him almost like smirking.

But they said, What's the most important issue on the heart of God?

In a word, what did he say?

Love.

Say love one time.

What's the biggest issue on the heart of God?

So what does he say?

Jesus replies, you have to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

That might be a different translation.

But then I believe without taking a breath, love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor.

How?

Love your neighbor as yourself.

All right?

Next one, please, sir.

How many of you degree with that statement?

Life is relationships.

How many of you agree with this thought?

Nothing in life, nothing in life causes more pain and or pleasure than relationships.

Yes or no?

Nothing in life.

I'm about to talk to you about the number one issue that will impact the number one area that causes more pain and pleasure than anything else in life.

All right, next one, please.

Look at that statement at the bottom.

We're designed for three kinds of relationships.

Jesus, what's the greatest commandment?

Love God.

Next one, please, sir.

Next slide.

Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor, others, as yourself.

So listen to me now.

This is not a two-legged chair.

It's a three-legged chair.

I believe one commandment, if you will, that we all do automatically is love your neighbor as yourself.

How many of you are quick enough to say, ooh, we got a problem?

Because I am loving my neighbor the way I love myself.

Now, what's buried in what I'm saying?

We don't love ourselves.

I just think it's so cool.

They say, Jesus, what's the greatest commandment?

And he buries in this what at our church we call the triangle of engagement.

In every service, we want you to engage God, yourself, and others.

That's relationship.

It'll make more sense as we go forward.

Next slide, please.

What's at the root of our relationship problems?

How many of you know branches, fruit, leaves, all that stuff?

That's important, and that's what usually brings somebody into counseling.

But what I really want to do is get under the ground and figure out what's at the root of our relationship problems.

Next slide, please.

Look at this simple little thought.

What you reach for reveals what you're rooted in.

Do you realize that the teaching we're going to do this morning, this little discussion we're having this morning, this affects every addictive behavior there is.

Twenty-five plus years in counseling, and I'm saying to you with no hesitation or reservation that what we're going to talk about today is the underlying driving force behind every single addictive behavior there is.

Do you know what an addiction is?

An addiction is using the wrong thing to meet a right need.

Right need, wrong answer.

I'm going to say it again.

Right need, wrong answer.

Every addiction is reaching for the wrong thing.

Now, how do you figure out what you're rooted in?

When you feel tired, sad, hurt, lonely, disappointed, rejected, wounded, what do you turn to for comfort?

What do you turn to to medicate?

How many of you know you medicate?

How many of you medicate yourself?

How many of you medicate with a remote control?

How many I do?

Well, we're going to help you today.

How many of you medicate with this rectangular white box, has a handle, and you open the door and the light comes on?

Anybody know where I'm going?

How many of you medicate with this dark brown substance?

It's kind of soft, it melts in your mouth?

You follow me?

So what do you reach for?

How many of you sometimes reach for a person?

I want you to make me feel better.

Whatever, listen now, whatever you reach for reveals what you're rooted in.

Okay?

Next one, please.

The root of our relationship problems.

You want to know what it is?

Next one, please.

Back in Exodus 20.

Anybody know what's in Exodus 20?

The Ten Commandments.

I call them the ten channel markers.

How many of you know if you're a boater, and I'm not really a boater, but they mark the channel with buoys and lights and such, and if you stay inside the channel markers, you're gonna be okay.

If you get outside the channel markers, you're gonna have some problems.

So in Exodus 20, God laid out these channel markers.

First verse.

God spoke all these words saying, I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

You shall have no other gods where?

Before me.

What's another way of saying that?

In front of me, prior to me?

You shall have no other gods in front of where I am in your life.

Next one, please.

The root of our relationship problems, the fancy Bible word, is idolatry.

Wow, dude, that's a big word.

Here's my definition.

Idolatry is attempting to use anyone, say anyone, or anything, say anything, to meet a need only God can meet.

So, idolatry is any time in your life you feel a need.

How many of you know it's okay to feel a need?

But what's wrong is when we feel a need and we reach for the wrong thing or person to meet the need?

Making sense?

Alright?

Uh-oh.

Same definition, different picture.

How many single people, and us when we were single, walked around thinking, oh God, it's gonna be so wonderful when you bring that special person into my life, and they're gonna make me feel so loved and special, and all my need for love is gonna be met by them.

And how many of you found that to be true?

Here's the deal, folks.

Listen to me.

God never intended for that to work.

Do you realize most marriages are in a state that can't be blessed?

Can't.

Why?

Most marriages are committing the sin of idolatry.

We're looking to someone to meet a need only God can meet.

I want my parents to meet my need for love.

I want my children to meet my need for love.

I want my wife to meet my need for love.

Who wants to meet your need for love?

God does.

Next one, please.

Look at this verse.

Cursed.

Say cursed.

Now that doesn't mean cussed at.

Cursed means you're in a bad place and things are not going to go well.

Cursed is the man or woman who trusts in people.

For they're going to be like a shrub, a bush in the desert.

How many of you have ever gone through a period of life where you just felt dry and unnourished?

This verse says, when we look to people this way to get our needs met, we're going to be like a dried-up bush in the desert.

Next one, please.

The root of our relationship problems is idolatry, looking to anyone or anything to meet a need only God can meet.

God designed you to need him.

Say yes, if that makes sense.

He designed you to need him.

Now you gotta let that land on you.

He designed you to function at your best when you have him.

Ah.

Any other way of living is not going to work.

Any other way is not going to work.

God designed you to need him and to be drawn to him.

How many of you felt the pull of God on you before you ever accepted the Lord?

You just felt God working to bring you to Himself.

Next one, please.

No one can meet your deepest needs but God.

Please catch this.

It isn't that the people in your life, parents, spouse, children, friends, pastor, co-workers, boss, employees, it isn't that they could do it, but they won't.

They can't.

Your wife, your husband can't meet your need for love.

Can't.

Your parents can't meet your need for love.

Your children can't meet your need for love.

It's not that they could but won't, they can't.

Next slide, please.

Why not?

You were designed by God to have a hole inside of you that only who could fill?

God.

You have a God-sized need for love.

Why?

You were designed to live from the center outward, having a love affair with God.

Then other people.

Alright?

Next one, please.

That's why most relationships are two ticks and no dog.

Now I've got a couple folks that are going to come up here and help me do a little illustration.

Where are you?

Here they are.

That's what all this weird stuff's up here for.

Just a little illustration to help us make the point.

Each of them gets a bucket and a baster.

All right?

Let me have my baster, man.

I like to tinker.

Here's the thing.

We're going to use this to make a point.

Let's see, step up toward the front here.

You guys are married, right?

All right.

If they weren't, we would talk about single people looking for somebody.

But I want you to imagine that here's how most people do life.

This bucket represents what they need love, acceptance, approval, affection, etc., etc.

All the things that they need.

I want you to imagine there's about an inch of water at the bottom of each bucket.

In other words, what they've been able to wring out of people, life, accomplishments, money, drugs, sex, whatever, is about an inch at the bottom.

All right?

They're married.

And they're under the illusion that they're supposed to meet each other's need for love.

Now, she's got about an inch of water.

He's got about an inch of water.

Alright, what does life kind of look like as you do life together?

Now, is that really what it looks like?

Now, is that true or not?

Is it true or not?

Do that again?

What's it really look like?

Yes or no?

Tell me.

We're trying to make people meet our needs.

Now, I told you this the last time I was here.

I found the secret to a great marriage.

And the secret to a great marriage is to have an affair.

So come on over here with me.

And what he no, no, just one of you first.

I'm sorry.

You, you, you, you.

We're gonna let you lead, man.

Come on.

So he comes over here, and guess what he finds?

A source.

Say source.

He finds a source.

And guess what the source does?

It fills his bucket.

Listen to me carefully.

If you don't remember any other thing I say today, please hear this phrase.

You were created to live from fullness, not for fullness.

So he comes over here and he has an affair with God.

And God fills his bucket.

She goes over here and has an affair with God.

And God fills her bucket.

Now I want you to imagine, come on back together over here.

Now they come back together and their bucket's full except for about an inch at the top.

Now, do you think it feels any different?

Do you think it feels different to move toward your wife, toward your friends, toward your parents, toward your kids, and your bucket's virtually full?

My wife and I have been doing life and marriage this way for, I don't know, about a decade now.

Where we come together, listen now, we come together virtually full to give to one another, not empty to take from one another.

Say yes if I'm making sense.

Thank you.

All right, hit that next slide, please, sir.

Gary Smalley says this when you expect people, places, and things to meet your deepest needs, you will, not might, you will be disappointed.

Anytime you put your expectations, trust in the wrong person or thing, the result is fear.

Next one, please.

Look at this cycle.

How many of you know it's okay to want?

Is it okay to want something?

Is it okay to need something?

All right?

But what if we're wanting and needing it from the wrong source?

So I want something I how many of you want and need love?

Raise your hand if you want and need love.

All right, let's say you you're kind of like, wow, I'm looking for a husband, a spouse.

I'm looking for a child, a parent.

I'm looking for somebody else to meet my need for love.

It's not going to be sufficiently met, which leaves a hollow place, which always leads to fear.

So I want or need love.

I'm looking to the wrong source to get it.

I don't get a sufficient, consistent supply, so I live in fear.

Fear makes me react poorly.

Can anybody say yes to that one?

That makes me hurt some you, which makes you want something, which makes you fear, which makes you react, which makes you hurt me.

Am I in the right room?

How many of you know we're all caught in this dance?

I'm looking to the wrong source to get my needs met.

It's not working, so I live with this knot of fear in my gut.

And I blame you for it because you're supposed to meet my need for love.

When in the reality, God never intended for another person or thing to meet your need for love.

Never.

Never.

Was never part of his plan.

Next one, please.

All right, how do we fix the problem?

We're gonna talk.

Basically, there's gonna be five thoughts if you're a note taker, and there's gonna be a little bit of stuff after each one.

But there's five simple thoughts on what you can do about this.

All right, number one, recognize everything that serves God's purpose of drawing you to Him.

Depression, part of what it does is draw you to God.

Financial difficulty, sexual issues, addiction, conflict in a marriage, conflict with your children, conflict with your parents, conflict with your friends.

Everything in your life is raw material for God to use to try to draw you to Him.

Everything.

Next one.

Jesus stands up at a festival, and he said, Anyone who's thirsty, now Dallas Willard, if any of you read Dallas Willard, he said this one time, and I'll never forget it thirst is the pain or discomfort of unmet need.

So thirst in our souls is that that yucky feeling that I don't feel loved, I don't feel approved, I don't feel appreciated, I don't feel affection.

Anyone who's thirsty, find a spouse.

Is that what it says?

Anyone who's thirsty, have a kid.

Anyone who's thirsty, go shame your parents into doing their job better.

Is that what it says?

Anyone who's thirsty, come to me, part A.

And what?

Drink.

How many of you can pretty much manage a glass of water?

How many of you can manage a glass of water, get it to your mouth, put it back down, and although I did spill on the front seat this morning.

Whatever.

How many of you get what I'm trying to say?

Jesus meant for this to sound as easy, wrong, simple as he could make it.

Come to me, step one.

We're doing pretty good at getting Christians to come, I mean, getting people to come to Jesus.

But we got to teach them how to drink.

Come to me and drink, and then he says, as Scripture says, rivers or streams of living water will flow from where?

Inside of you.

Inside of you.

Do you realize I go into every room that I go into with everything I need?

Forgive me if this is going to mess up here.

I go into every room with already full of what I need.

I didn't come in here this morning hoping, gee, I hope they'll love me.

I could use a little bit.

Why didn't I come in here like that?

Where did I get it?

I got it from God.

Oh, you probably got it from your wife.

My wife loves me and I appreciate it beyond words.

But I don't look to her to meet my need for love.

You'll see how I do that in a minute.

Next one.

Jesus, another one in John 4, the woman by the well.

Love to just slow down and tell the story.

But think about this now.

There's a literal physical well there.

And I believe he points to the well and says, everyone who drinks this water outside in is going to get thirsty again.

But I have water that I'll give you.

And if you drink it, listen now, you'll never thirst again.

Dude, wait a minute.

Are you saying there's a way for us to connect with you, abide in you, fellowship with you, receive from you, and our bucket stays virtually full?

Yeah, Chipper, that's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying.

How do you think life would be if you said, I want to learn to live full?

I'll be honest with you.

I wake up full.

Why?

Because I went to sleep full.

Oh, because everybody around me treats me wonderfully.

Well, quite honestly, a lot of people around me do treat me really well.

But that's not the point.

You drink outside in people and things, you're going to stay thirsty.

You're going to stay thirsty.

But I have water.

This is what I would say to you.

If you learn to drink it, how many of you know it doesn't come natural to us anymore?

But if you learn to drink it, you'll never thirst again.

Forgive me for saying weird things like this.

I haven't been thirsty in the context of this message in years.

I just, God has taught me how to just stay refreshed in Him.

Now I get tired.

I get annoyed occasionally.

I mean, I'm married for crying out loud.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm married to the best wife in the world.

Don't you ever think I don't believe that.

But I am a little sarcastic.

Forgive me.

Next one, please.

All right, here's our second statement.

Repent of your idolatry.

What does it mean to repent?

It means to turn away from it.

It means to say, God, I'm sorry that I did that.

And turn away from it.

Release others and receive your forgiveness.

What does that mean?

Just what it sounds like.

Repent.

God, I think this dude's on to something.

And I think I've been using people and things to meet needs you want to meet.

Please forgive me for putting, listen, for putting other people and things before you.

All right?

Next one, please.

Remember that cursed is the person?

Look at this one.

Blessed is the person who trusts in the Lord and whose hope is in the Lord.

He or she shall be like a tree planted by water.

Not a bad way to live.

Next one, please.

All right, here's number three.

Renounce the ways you've learned to use people to meet your needs.

Renounce the ways you've learned.

I my whole first 35 years of my life was consumed with needing my father to love me, be proud of me, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

What happened around 35-ish was I did what I call switched dads.

Now, my dad, earthly father and I, had the best relationship after that we've ever had.

I didn't, you'll see what I did in a minute.

I just switched dads.

Go ahead and hit the next slide.

You know what I did?

I fired my father.

You know what I did?

I fired my wife.

Stand up if you would, please, babe.

I think I literally went to you, didn't I?

And told you?

I told her, I said, you're fired.

You're fired.

You're no longer on the payroll to meet my need for love.

You're done.

I'm no longer, listen, I'm no longer going to hold you responsible for meeting my need for love.

You're fired.

I fired my children.

I fired my friends.

I fired my pastor.

I fired everybody.

First I said, God, forgive me for my idolatry, and then I fired all my idols.

And then I asked God, show me some more.

And he showed me some of the things that I turned to to medicate.

How many of you know it isn't too hard to figure out what they are?

All right.

Next one, please.

Then ask the Holy Spirit to teach you.

How many of you know teach is a process, not an event?

Teach you God's ways of getting your needs met.

Next slide, please.

I think we probably used this one time before.

The bottom line is this most of us are lousy receivers.

You know what I really practice doing?

Receiving what?

God's love.

Consciously, consciously.

Not acknowledging the truth of God's, I believe Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

I don't mean just that.

I mean consciously, Father, I receive your love.

I receive your love.

Next slide, please, sir.

We love him because he first loved us.

Talking to a pastor the other day, pastor now, recently, sharp guy, got a great little church, just planted recently and just doing great.

But we were working on some of this stuff.

And I said, dude, I said, uh, how do you start your day?

Oh man, I start my day with God, you know, kind of thing.

I said, well, that's cool.

I said, what do you do?

What is the first thing God wants from you?

Listen to this now.

What is the first thing God wants from you?

He wants me, um, you could tell he was like, knew it was a trick question.

And he said, He wants me to love him.

How many of you would think that's a decent answer?

If I had a gong, I'd go, uh We love him because what?

Which is which is, if something's first, which happens first?

In that scripture, which happens first?

So I said to the dude, Really?

You think your first thing God wants you to do is love him?

I said, Oh, really?

I said, What's 1 John 4.19 say?

We love him because he and how many of you have ever seen somebody when the light goes on?

It was so cool.

The light went on, and he he just stopped and stared.

And he said, What?

And then I asked him this question, why did God create you?

Why did God create you?

You know what he said?

To love him.

No.

No.

I wish I could take all of you and just hold you a minute and say, no, darling.

He didn't create you to love him.

He created you so that he could love you.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

We wake up in the wrong mode.

We wake up, oh, if I could, if I could just get across the line today, maybe he'd like me.

Darling, I'm telling you, he likes you.

He likes you so much.

He's thrilled when you wake up.

Until you get all this stuff all mucked up, and then he's like, oh man.

You know what he does?

He goes, Oh, it's going to be another crummy day, them trying to prove to me how much they love me.

Let me say that again.

I think God's like, oh man, here they go again, trying to prove to me how much they love me.

When you know what he wanted you to do?

He wanted you to wake up and say, Dad, here I am, an accident waiting to happen.

Are you with me?

How many of you know God would be thrilled if you woke up and your first thought was, Dad, I'm an accident waiting to happen, but can I sit in your lap for a minute?

And then you just crawl up in God.

How many of you know that whole Jesus thing was because you're a mess?

Y'all do figure that out, right?

That whole Jesus thing wasn't because you got your act almost together and you just need a little push.

That whole Jesus thing was because you don't have a chance.

Well, what makes you think now that you accepted that Jesus, what makes you think now you're going to impress him?

I beg you.

He's not waiting for you to impress him.

He really wants you to be impressed by him.

We love him because he first, prior to, before, in front of, loved us.

When I go to be with God, you know what's the first thing I want to do?

I want to be loved.

Then you love your neighbor how?

As yourself.

John 13, 34, Jesus said this: A new commandment I give to you that you love one another as I have loved you.

How many of you know the secret to this room filling with his love is not you figuring out how to love people?

The way to fill this room with love is doing it as he's loved you.

Make sense?

Next one, please, sir.

Freely you receive, freely you give.

How about with difficulty you receive?

With difficulty you're gonna give.

Through a wall of fear and shame you receive.

Then through a wall of fear and shame, you're gonna give.

With conditions attached, you receive.

How many of you know God's a pretty holy dude?

You understand what I mean by that?

Well, wow, there's gotta be conditions.

There are conditions to please God.

There are conditions required to please God.

Yes or no?

But guess what?

Somebody else met the conditions for you.

God didn't throw out his holiness.

Jesus died to satisfy it.

So when I walk into his presence, I walk in as if I've never done anything wrong.

Because I haven't?

No.

Because Jesus did everything necessary to clean my record.

Does that make sense?

Next slide, please.

How do we fix the problem?

This is our last thought of the day.

Listen to me.

If you said this is going to be my quest for the next one year, three years, five years, ten years, I don't care how long it takes, there's nothing more important I could say to you than to make it your life's quest to learn to receive and rest in the Father's love.

I promise you, it changes every relationship you have.

The worship team will go ahead and come on up here.

I'm just going to pray for you guys, and we're going to end the service.

Ponder this stuff.

I hope it was helpful to you.

I assure you, God is not looking for you to impress him.

How many of you think Jesus impressed God?

Right?

How many of you think Jesus is pretty impressive?

Well, Jesus impressed God.

Listen now, for all of us.

And our job is to enter into what he's done for us.

It's going to take some effort to learn to receive his love.

This room's full of it right now.

And we're all at different places of being able to really receive and rest in his love.

So let's trust the Lord to help us with that.

Let me pray for you.

Father, I just thank you for this wonderful congregation.

God, I thank you for the different people, their hunger, their openness, their willingness for you to just kind of stir up the dirt of their heart and turn it over so they can see what's really in there.

And God, I just pray that you would help them wrestle through, see where their idols are, who they are, and then wrestle through to learning to receive and rest in your love.

I thank you for it, Father.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

Bless you guys.