Secret Shame - Forgiving Self & Forgetting Regret

This morning, if you want to follow along open to John chapter 4, how many of you were here last week when Ben spoke?

John 4 · chapter mention

Ben spoke last week.

What an incredible job.

And I want to pile on, yes, give him a hand for that.

I want to jump off right where he was, is that God is moving and God is trying to connect with us.

And I want to continue in that theme.

How many of you knew that at one point Ben and I were actually roommates?

How many of you knew that?

For a very brief time, I was engaged, about to be married.

He lived in the house where a buddy of mine owned, and we were roommates for a very short time.

And Ben was just total class and incredible guy.

Before I moved into that house with my buddy Steve, who bought a house and a mutual friend of Ben and I, I lived in another house really close to the church where we attended.

And this particular house was a rental, it was a typical rental.

There were four guys that lived in this house.

Now there was a little house, and I got to describe the house to you this way.

It was like the hangout.

People would come over all the time, like, hey, are you going over there?

And it was a musty feel.

It had a just gross mustiness to it.

And for good reason, because we'd literally, once a month, there'd be like mold growing in the corners, and we'd have to spray it with bleach, and it was just kind of disgusting.

We were also guys, so we had a rule about furniture.

The rule was you could not match any furniture.

That was the rule.

So we had these three mammoth couches, and one was a floral, one was a pattern, and one was a solid.

And it was just this weird house.

But everybody would come by.

It was really close to church, and people just come by.

And it got to be one night it got a name.

And some friends would come in, some girls came over, and they're just like, Oh, we're going over there.

And she goes, God, you know, it's just musty.

It just, it's kind of like a cave coming over here.

And that stuck.

So our house was referred to as the cave, and we were called cavemen.

And we had t-shirts made, this cavemen.

There was only four, and you had to live there to get a t-shirt.

And people would go, Hey, are you going by the cave tonight?

And it's like, yeah, I'm going by the cave.

And people were like, is that, you know, a restaurant or a club?

It's like, no, it's their house.

They live in the cave.

And people would come over stricken out of curiosity of what is the cave?

And as life would go on, and my past would have it, for those of you who don't know my past, in my single days, I had 19 roommates, not all at once, but I would marry these guys off, like consistently.

And I married a few of them off, and it came to be where those three guys were all getting married, and I had to move because I couldn't afford the rent of this one house.

And the landlords came over, and one of the two landlords, he said, Hey, um, so you know, I'd I'd really like you to stay.

And I'm like, Yeah, I know you would, because nobody else wants to rent a cave.

And it's just really it's disgusting because we've got to spray for mold every month, and he was just like, I know, and I it's at the point where I can't, I can't, I'm gonna have to do some major work on it.

And I said, Well, I said, Um I I don't know people that can move in with me right now.

I said, I could probably find a few, but it's gonna take me a couple months.

Now, put yourself in my shoes at that time, and and that was where I was making a transition from working and performing and speaking for a living, and I was kind of between where I was very tight on money, had very little money, and so I came up with this idea.

And some friends of mine had said at one of our cave meetings, they said, Hey, why is your house so musty?

And one guy said, I bet it's the carpet.

And I said, I don't think it's the carpet, we keep it vacuuming.

He goes, No, no, I bet it is.

So we peeled up one corner, sure enough, he we found the source of this.

It was built back in the 50s.

And in the 50s, one of the things was, hey, we're gonna have carpet.

That was the new thing.

And so they put carpet in there, and then I guess, I don't know, eight, ten years later, they said, Oh, we don't like this carpet, we want a new carpet.

But instead of pulling it up and leaving the pad, they would just put carpet on top of carpet.

Uh, yeah, you get it, they didn't.

And apparently, this wanted another time.

They're like, oh, we need more carpet, and they didn't take it up and they put three levels of carpet, three decades of carpet that was just this must.

And so I told the landlord, I said, I'll make you a deal.

I said, I don't know if you know this or not, but there's carpet on top of carpet on top of carpet.

And if you'll get it removed, I will take it out, but if you'll get it removed, I don't know if you know this or not, but you've got cherry hardwood floors under there that are beautiful.

I said, I'll make you a deal.

If you'll let me live here rent-free for two months, in that two months I'll try to find some roommates, but at a minimum, I will redo your hardwood floors.

And I really think that'll get rid of the mold and all that.

He's like, man, that's a deal, absolutely.

Now, I didn't share with him that I had no clue how to refinish floors.

But for two months free rent, I was gonna figure it out.

And the cave became this project, and several of those friends that would come over all the time, they helped out, and it was just such a cool experience to not just get up the carpet, but begin to see the potential of what was under the carpets and to see what was really there.

All this grossness for decades, and then pulled it up.

It was like, wow, look at these floors, and then to see them finished and polyurethane, it was stunning.

And I share that with you to say simply this these next several weeks, there's an opportunity.

An opportunity for you and I to deal with the areas of our lives.

I'm calling them the secret doors.

The parts of our lives, maybe it's mental, emotional, maybe it's within our heart, whatever chamber you want to call it, that we just kind of leave closed.

Several of us, especially even today, probably are at that point where we don't even realize that door is there anymore.

I call it the secret doors.

And today is the secret door that if we will engage, I firmly believe the concept that Ben shared last week, exactly what God wants to do in these next four weeks, and that is for us to see where he is moving, how he's moving, and connect with him.

And there's gonna be a tangible way to connect this morning.

You'll see the crosses on the sides here, and I'll explain those in a few minutes.

You'll see the tables and some of the ways to connect, and we're gonna explain that in a minute.

But to the degree that we engage and we are honest with ourselves, if we're bold enough to take hold of that latch and open that door and get honest with ourselves, is the degree we will find freedom, forgiveness, peace, fulfillment.

Or we can sit back and just go, oh, that's good, I like that, I agree with that, and really miss everything.

So, with that in mind, I want to read a story of one of the first secret doors.

It's I'll share that in a minute, but in John chapter 4, starting in verse 5, it's Jesus, and he's going, and you can follow along in John 4, chapter 5.

John 4 · chapter mention

So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar or Sychar or however the theologians pronounce it, near a plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph.

Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well, and it was about the sixth hour, and they considered time from sunrise, so it's right at high noon.

That's the sixth hour.

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, Will you give me something to drink?

Now his disciples had gone into town to buy food.

The Samaritan woman said to him, and I love the way she states the obvious, she says, You are a Jew.

In case you didn't see the mirror this morning, you're a Jew.

And I am a Samaritan woman.

In other words, he's saying, you know what, you you this is socially incorrect.

It's it's you're not supposed to talk to me anyway, because your people hate my people, and you're a man, and you're not supposed to be breaking all the rules here.

It's like you're a Democrat, I'm a Republican, you're a liberal, I'm a conservative, we're not even supposed to talk.

Okay?

So chill out here, and and then Jesus, Jesus says this.

He says, Jews do not associate with Samaritans.

Jesus answers her, if you knew the gift of God and who it is that asked you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.

And she still doesn't get it.

I love this.

She goes, Sir, in case you missed it, you have nothing to draw with.

You don't have a bucket, and the well is deep.

Where can you give this living water?

Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us this well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his flocks and his herds?

And Jesus answers, and he's going to make it more real, and then he's going to get the core of the secret door of today.

And Jesus answers, Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again.

Whatever drinks of the water I give him will never thirst.

Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

And the woman said, In her moment she realizes there's something different here.

Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.

And he told her, Go get your husband and come back.

And she says, Uh, I I have no husband, she replied.

And Jesus says to her, Uh, you know what?

You're right.

You're right when you say that you have no husband.

The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you're with right now, he's not one of them.

So what you say is quite true.

Verse 19, Sir, I can see that you are a prophet.

Our fathers worship.

Now she's trying to distract it and get all spiritual and theological.

He said, Our fathers worship on the mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where you must worship is Jerusalem.

Jesus declared, Believe me, woman, a time is coming when you will worship the Father, neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem.

You Samaritans worship what you do not know.

We worship what we do know.

For salvation is from the Jews, yet his time is coming, and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth.

For they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit spirit and in truth.

The woman said, I know that the Messiah called Christ is coming.

When he comes, he'll explain everything to us.

Then Jesus declared, I, who you speak to, am He.

I'm He.

Well, she has, and I want to unpack this in a very simple way, is that this woman had the first secret door, and that is the door of shame.

She had this door.

Why was she there in the middle of the day?

Why was she alone in the middle of the day?

Well, I can tell you a couple pieces here.

It's high noon.

And why would anybody go at high noon?

Yesterday, Heather and I, my wife, were in Phoenix, Arizona, and the night before we told several friends, we're gonna hike Squaw Peak.

It's this mountain, and it's not like mountains we have where it's a crushed gravel path.

It's kind of rocks.

You don't watch where you're going, you'll break an ankle.

I mean, it's and it's 1.2 miles up to the peak, and it's steep and it's hot.

And we said, we're gonna hike Squaw Peak.

And every person we told, oh, go early, take water.

Okay.

And somebody else.

We're going to hike Squaw Peak.

Go early, take water.

All right, we'll go early and take water.

After about the fifth time, go early, take water.

Well, I asked two questions.

I'm like, well, what's early?

What's early?

And they all like 5:15, 5.30.

Now we're on quasi-vacation.

I'm like, I'm not getting up at 5.15.

I don't care how hot it gets.

Well, it gets really hot in Phoenix.

It was 114 degrees yesterday.

And we realized mid-morning, and we're driving to Squaw Peak, a couple miles from our hotel, and it's it's like 89 degrees.

And I'm like, this isn't so bad.

It's you know nine something, and we're getting there, and we get out of the car, and I've got my liter of water.

It's chilled water, and I'm gonna carry it up there.

We're gonna share it on the way up.

I'm like, this is good.

And then I see all these people, and you know what a camelback is?

That's like a backpack with a gallon jug on the back with a little hose that you just suck out of the entire time you're going.

Like everybody had these things.

I'm like, are we on the moon?

What is this?

And sure enough, we start this hike, and it's treacherous.

We get, I don't know, maybe two tenths of a mile, and I'm like, I need water.

And we're drinking and we're drinking and we're and then we're halfway up, we're like, we still got a half a mile to go with rash in the water, you know.

We're just this is unbelievable.

By the time we got to the top, it's blazing hot.

It goes from 89 to 110 while we're hiking.

And we get down, and by the bottom, we got this much water left, and it's I mean, it's hot.

It's not just warm, it's hot.

And the other's like, I can't drink anymore, it's too hot, it's gross.

And I'm like, wow, they really knew what they were talking about.

Go early, bring lots of water.

Because in the desert, it gets crazy hot.

So the question is, why is this woman, why is this woman going at the the heat of the day?

And the the simple reason is that what we discovered because as we're walking down the last bits of this mountain, we weren't past a lot of people going the other way.

Because they know you go early in a desert to get water, you don't go in the middle of the day, and that's exactly what's happening here.

This woman goes in the middle of the day.

Why?

Because nobody else is there, and her shame over years, her status has caused her to go, I don't want to deal with this shame anymore.

It's easier for me to get sunburned and go at the heat of the day and the pain physically than to deal with the pain emotionally of the shame that I have.

And I don't know what yours might be.

I know what mine has been, and I remember just praying through this passage and going, God, what I didn't even know I had that door.

I've so suppressed it and I've so closed it off that I've just dealt with it, and and I even walk by that door and just I throw up my hand emotionally and don't even deal with that.

And the question is, what is your shame?

Because this morning, this morning, God's right there at that door, in that door, going, I want you to not have it anymore.

And through this interaction with this woman, we're gonna see the simple steps that Jesus gives and that she takes to get rid of that shame.

And we see it in this passage.

The first is really in verses 16 through 18.

And that is we have to face it.

Face our shame.

What is our shame?

And he gives this to her.

Her shame was her marital past, her failure relationally.

And God did not sugarcoat it, he calls her on it and he lets her, he's throwing out these softballs going, go ahead, say what it is, because I know what it is.

Go ahead.

Tell you what, since you're not gonna go get your husband.

I don't I don't have a husband.

Oh, I know.

I know you don't have a husband.

You've had five.

And the dude you're living with now, he's not one of those five.

I know where you live.

And what God would say to you and I today is hey, face it, I know what it is.

I know your shame.

I know your shame more intimately than anybody else.

What you think is a secret that nobody knows, I know intimately.

And I know it intimately, not to condemn you, but to free you.

I want you to experience freedom.

The reason said good Jesus said, Go get your husband is he wants her to face it.

And I would encourage you and I this morning to face that shame by its worst name.

These crosses on the side, there's tables.

And on these tables, there's a little cup and pens, and there's these little pieces of paper.

I want to encourage you at the end, we're gonna have kind of a contemplative time to just say, you know what, God, I want to deal with this once and for all.

Jesus, you said you died for sin once for all, and this is an act.

This is this isn't a piece of paper you have to put your name on.

But it is the piece of paper we can take our worst name for that shame and write it on there.

Fold it up once, twice if we want, and there's some tax there, and be able to take that, and as an act of faithfulness, say, God, I know you've already died for this.

This room that I've been keeping a secret, you've already died.

You've already paid the price for that.

And if we've accepted God's love and forgiveness, it's already dealt with, and yet we keep hiding it.

Or maybe it keeps coming up because we've never fully dealt with it.

I want to encourage you to take part, call it by its worst name, because here's what I've discovered.

At least in modern-day Christendom, maybe it was in the past, we tend to give it a lesser name, maybe rationalize it, maybe justify it, or maybe it's not as bad as everybody else's.

My shame's not as bad.

Oh man, I watch the news and I'm not that bad.

And yet God is saying, Really?

Sin is sin, shame is shame, deal with it.

Over the years, over several decades, I've been in different small groups.

A few of them have been men's accountability groups.

I saw a common thread through these.

Three different times, three different cities, one of the men in those groups had a moral failure, and I noticed a pattern.

They did not know each other.

I noticed a pattern in every case leading up to the great reveal where it came out, and they had to come and just go, man, here's what's is it true?

Yes, it's true.

I've been having this affair, I've been doing this.

Without exception, every one of them for the time leading up to that confessed to the group something much smaller.

You know what?

I just I gotta tell you guys, I've I've looked, I've looked at some pictures I shouldn't be looking at.

And the whole time they're cheating on their wives.

It's like, really?

The picture?

That's what you're gonna confess.

You're cheating on your wife, and oh, I saw a picture I shouldn't have seen.

You're dealing with the wrong shame, dude.

Here's the big one.

Stop messing around, deal with the the worst name.

And I share that only to say that when we take and we put the worst name on this piece of paper, it's the fullness of how God is saying, that's how fully I have dealt with it and forgiven it.

That shame, first we have to face it.

Secondly, in verses 28 and 29, I love this.

We do what God shows us.

We do what God shows us.

He told her, Go back and get your husband.

And then they go through the dialogue and then look what she does.

Then leaving her water jar, the women went back to the town and said to the people, Come see a man who told me everything I ever did.

Could this be the Christ?

She did what he said.

Plain and simple.

She took the step.

Jesus says, Do this.

She did it.

If you and I want to experience how to deal with this shame, let's do whatever he lays on your heart.

There's another neat station over there, and there's several candles, and there's these matches.

And my encouragement to you is something that I have done and continue to do, and that is to say, God, in this area of my life, maybe it's coming back, and I just I have this hope that maybe, just maybe, I can let it go of my greatest regret.

Whatever that is, maybe it's something that was imposed on you, maybe it was something that you've just never been able to let go of, and it keeps coming back up.

It's to take that and say, God, thy word is a light to my path, a lamp to my feet.

And God, I'm gonna light this as a prayer.

And just light that.

And just say a simple prayer and say, God, whatever you show me to do through your truth, through your spirit, I'm gonna do that and make a commitment to do whatever God lays on your heart this week, maybe it's even today.

And once you've made that commitment, then you can put that and put it in the sand at the end of the table and say, I'm committed.

And next week it'll be here again to be a reminder to us.

Did I do what God laid on my heart?

Was I listening?

Because if we will connect and de and deal with whatever God lays on our heart, then we'll let go of that biggest regret and we can start claiming and start hanging on to what he says in 1 John 1 9.

It says, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us of our sins.

And purify us from all unrighteousness.

But we have to take the first confess.

God, I'm confessing to you.

I'm nailing it to the cross, and I want to do whatever you show me.

But then there's those, and maybe you're in the same boat I've been for years.

I confessed, but I still struggle.

I still struggle in that area.

That's when I lit that candle.

That's when I lit that match.

I said, God, I'm sick of struggling.

I want you to show me a step this week.

And Lord, the reason I'm lighting this is I need your help.

Show me a step.

Show me one step.

And as I lit that, that week, God made it very, very evident to me.

I came to Psalm 119, 11, and it says, I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

And what God began to lay on my heart was, Ken, are you hiding my word in your heart?

Specifically in that area of frustration.

That secret area that's now, you just feel that shame.

Are you hiding my word in your heart?

And then I came across an incredible psalm.

I can't even remember where it came from, but I was reading, I'm like, this is it.

Psalm 19, 12.

It says, How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?

And I'm like, that's me.

Cleanse me from these hidden faults.

Keep your servant from deliberate sins.

Don't let them control me.

Lord, I let me just deal with the ones I do know about and don't let them control me.

Then I'll be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Lord, you're the rock, you're the redeemer.

I begin to memorize this passage.

I begin to put these into my mind, the first thing of the day.

Lord, what verse do you want me to memorize today?

And God's step for me was taking the truths in that area and began to deal with those.

Today we'll have a chance.

And maybe you're like I was that, you know what, I'm letting this go, and God, I'll do whatever you say.

Or maybe it's, Lord, I'm frustrated with this because I still struggle with it.

So, Lord, whatever you lay on my heart, I will do that.

And I pray it.

And I commit it to the ground because I'm going to walk it out, I'm going to put it in the sand.

And then finally, probably the greatest step of all is to accept and rest in his forgiveness.

Men and women, if we have accepted Christ into our hearts, then it's forgiven.

Once for all, the just for the unjust, and to rest in that.

I have the privilege of being part of a wedding last night.

And I couldn't help but see the parallel.

I told the bride and the groom in the quick address that I did, I said, guys, here's the deal.

People were always asking, and one of the first theological questions a lot of people ever deal with is, is there one person for one person, a soulmate?

My soulmate.

And I tell them the answer is amazingly God, because it's no and yes.

And only God can answer it that way.

That is so cool to me.

Is that no, there's not just one, and we wander around and oh, what if she died at birth?

Then I'm just really out of luck.

The answer is no.

And the answer is no because for true love to exist, and I told them it's a for true love to exist, there has to be a choice.

Without a choice, it's not love.

We have to have that freedom of will.

But here's the incredible part: God will direct us and guide us as much as we let him.

And as we see his will in his way, he will direct us to that which will complete and fulfill us.

And he's still ultimately the only one that can fulfill us.

But then once we choose, once we make that commitment, it's clear in his word that once we stand there and go, I have chosen, I love her, she loves me, we are putting on rings, we are committing.

Then the answer to that is yes.

That is the one.

And we're human and we're fallible, and I know that.

And I know there's a huge array of those who said, you know what, I did make that commitment.

And then someone else broke it.

And I get that, and God's forgiveness and mercy is full.

And here's the deal, though.

God is saying, Hey, when you accept me, my forgiveness is complete.

And as imperfect as you are, I am completely perfect.

And I'll never leave you, I'll never forsake you, my forgiveness is complete.

But it is out of love that I died on the cross.

It's out of love I offer this forgiveness to you.

But it's love to as many as receive him, those he gave the right to be called children of God.

We have to choose to accept that.

Once we do, then we deal with these and we accept and we rest in that.

In verses 41 and 42, look at the resolve and the result of this.

And because of his words, many more became believers.

They said to the woman, we no longer believe just because of what you said.

Now we have seen for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.

This morning, maybe that's your revelation that Jesus really is it.

That makes sense.

There's a love given, an opportunity to be accepted.

Or maybe you've been a believer for a while and we stop and say, you know what, but I still struggle.

And here's one of the greatest encouragements of all in Romans chapter 8, verse 1.

Romans 8:1

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Open that secret door of shame.

You are not going to be condemned.

I will not be condemned because of opening that door.

Here's the cool part.

I'm not be condemned because of that shame, nor am I condemned to continue in that shame.

I'm not condemned at all.

I'm completely forgiven.

In this time, I also love the fact that each week we do the Lord's Supper, communion, because it's a weekly reminder that I'm not condemned.

Every week I have a tangible way to remember his body was broken for my sin.

His blood was spilled to cover my sin.

It's done.

It's finished.

And all I have to do is accept that.

This morning, in a minute I'm going to pray.

But another one of the amazing verses that God has just laid on my heart, and I've been in the process of memorizing, is Psalm 103, 8 through 12.

Just let these words penetrate your heart.

And if I could even, I would say that if you're here this morning, and it does appear like most of you are here this morning, if you're here this morning but this has pricked your heart and gone, I am tired of struggling.

I do have that secret door.

I would encourage you, just close your eyes for a second and let these words from God Himself penetrate.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever.

He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

And here's one of my favorite parts.

And as I put those words in my mind and my heart, I say, Lord, move in me.

I want to pray and just have a time to contemplate that secret shame.

And I want to give us the opportunity to move on that.

Maybe it's big, maybe it's small, maybe it's something that you didn't even remember, and it's back in your mind now.

Maybe it's something you struggle with daily.

I don't know what it is.

I don't need to know what it is.

But if it's come to your heart and mind, God is saying, Let me deal with that door.

Let me clean house.

Let me show you a step, whatever that is.

So the stations are open.

There's tables with the matches to say, God, light my way.

I'll do whatever you show me.

Or God, I'm going to take these steps, whatever it is.

There are pieces of paper that we can take and we can say, you know what, Lord?

I'm going to spell it out.

I'm not going to put my name because you know my name.

Or maybe it's such a shame that you don't even write it down.

You can just put an X because you know what it is and God does.

And take one of those pins and pin it to the cross.

There's four different stations.

The band's going to come out and they're just going to play instrumentally.

And you take your time.

They're going to sing a song.

Take your time.

After that song, we'll take the time and we'll do a closing song.

But as they come, I want you to do me a favor.

Go ahead and stand up.

Stand up where you are.

And I want you to join me in prayer.

And as we pray, when I say amen, you are welcome to take part in the stations on the side.

Maybe it's just to light a match and say, God, here's where I am today.

Guide my steps.

I'll do whatever you say.

But pray with me.

Father, thank you.

Thank you so much.

On so many levels.

Lord, that your love is unconditional and waiting for anyone who will receive it.

So, Lord, I pray that there's someone here who has never done that.

I pray that you would just overwhelm them with your love and your mercy and your grace.

That they would just say, Lord, I want that forgiveness.

I want that hope and peace.

Well, Lord, I also pray for those of us who know you, that have that door, that shame that's maybe we even forgot about.

We've so well washed over it.

And Lord, I just pray that in this time, maybe it's for the first time in a long time, we just take that and write it and put it on that cross and say, Lord, here it is.

Here's my shame.

Thank you for your love.

Or maybe it's dealing with it and saying, Lord, I want your will and your way.

I light this match, and Lord, I'm praying I will do whatever you lay on my heart, and I'll walk it out this week.

So, Lord, move in this time as only your spirit can.

And it really is only through your precious Son Jesus we pray.

Amen.