I Can Relate - Expectations

Let'd go, Justin.

I love that he said that there were 150 kids and there's like 12 parents that raise their hands.

Apparently the Duggars go to church here.

And uh that's that's awesome.

Um you know, if you did miss last week, let me give you a synopsis, one that God wants us to have understanding.

Um we we kind of jumped off the verse that Paul wrote.

He said that uh he said, if you're if you're a single guy, you get married, it's not a sin.

If you're a virgin, you get married, it's not a sin, but you're gonna have trouble.

It's gonna be trouble, and I want to spare you of this.

And that was his whole admonition towards marriage.

And then we talked about how people were just just excited to be married, and he said, Oh, wait till you've been married for a few years, and it's this drudgery.

It didn't have to be that way.

And I ended last week by sharing a very factual statement that there's one word that can change all of that for good or bad.

One word that makes it radically different.

And if you're here today and you're not married, let me just tell you, this is the greatest word to begin to practice so that you're in the mode where you get married, you're gonna eliminate so many issues right off the bat, like Justin was saying he struggled with.

And I the way I can describe it is this have how many of you have ever been driving in Atlanta and you get in your car with the idea of man, 45 minutes, I'm just gonna chill, listen to some sports radio, and just enjoy the time of solitude.

And by the time you get wherever it is, you got a knot in your neck, and you're just you are so frazzled that you need some kind of sedative, and it's just like, wow.

What happens in that process is this word.

This word gets totally out of whack.

We go to from, oh, I'm just gonna enjoy this ride to where you just get hyped up and and people are in traffic, and you're just like, come on, man, there's no way you're getting in here.

You're gonna get back at the line, and I don't care if you wave at me with one finger.

I'll hit this car in front of me before you get in here, and just you're just and it's so frustrating.

Has anybody if if you've if you've ever had that experience?

Let me see your hands real quick.

Okay, great.

Um the rest of you, seriously, you don't drive, you ride horses?

What where are you?

Where are you going?

And then I think about just everyday life.

It's this one word.

I I did some traveling this week, and one of my stops was in Toronto, Canada.

And uh I I walked out into a different world.

Literally, uh for those of you who didn't know, Canada's another country, okay?

It's not, and it looks similar and they talk similar, but I I walked out and I realized just wave over me, going, Yeah, I don't know if I got the right, I don't have the right money, and I don't know what my money's worth, and I'm hungry, and I'd planned on eating when I got here, and I don't see any restaurants.

And I finally asked, I said, Hey, are there any restaurants in the airport?

And this lady was like, Oh yeah, she said, well, I walked up to her and uh she had a little information thing on.

She's like, hello, bonjour.

And I was like, uh, okay, uh I don't I don't know what to do here.

And I asked her, and she goes, Oh yeah, there's a Tim Hortons down the way here.

And I was like, okay, Tim Hortons, not so I go.

If you're not familiar with Tim Hortons, uh, it's basically like uh an upscale Dunkin' Donuts, basically, is what it is.

And so I look at I'm looking at the pictures and it's in English and French, and so I read the English, I'm like, okay, wow, that Tuscan chicken panini, man, I'm hungry.

I'm gonna do that.

So I'm like a chicken Tuscan panini, and uh uh can I get uh water with that?

And they're like, great, here's your number, you're 367.

So I walk back and it's normal.

And then she goes, uh, 367.

I go to pick it up, I'm like, oh good, and I'm I'm psyched about my chicken, grilled chicken panini.

She goes, Oh, oh man, uh, I made a steak and onion sandwich instead.

Is that okay?

Uh I'm in Canada.

I thought maybe that's normal there.

Uh, you order chicken, you get steak and onions.

Um and she said it was such, I'm like, um, yeah, yeah, sure, why not?

Uh okay, but it it just changed my perspective altogether.

And it's this one word.

And in business, this one word is very much a focal point.

Very much a focal point of success.

And it said that we are to set this and then exceed it.

And if you're wondering what the word is, some of you already know the word.

Uh Justin alluded to it, and that is we have to set expectations and then exceed them.

And if you do that in business, you succeed.

We set expectations and we exceed expectations.

That's the way you succeed in business.

And I'll give you one example, it's one of my favorites that I've I've noticed.

I'm not endorsing this, but I've just, as I've traveled, noticed that uh Southwest Airlines is really good at this.

They say, hey, we're gonna give you the lowest price possible.

And other airlines hate them because they have to match their prices and they're really low.

Well, that sets an expectation that, okay, I'm gonna get on this plane, I'm gonna get there, and there's gonna be nothing else.

If I get a seat with a rope to tie in, I'm I'm good.

They set that expectation.

But then they exceed it.

They're like, you know what?

Not only are we gonna have the lowest prices, we're not gonna have a bunch of add-on fees.

You're not gonna have to pay for peanuts, you're not gonna have to, you don't have to pay for baggage.

And it's like, whoa, that's pretty cool.

And then they have the best arrival on-time arrivals of any other.

I'm like, that's another one.

So they're exceeding expectations.

But my favorite of the way they exceed it is that they have fun on their flights.

I mean, you get on there and the flight attendants, they're told, hey, make this enjoyable, and they'll just do crazy stuff.

They're like, ladies and gentlemen, um, I've got a prize for anybody who has a penny with 1972 on it.

And they just start announcing this, and you see people going, oh man, I gotta get a penny.

Oh, I got this.

It's like, you don't even know what you're winning, and you're sitting here doing this, and they have total fun, and they laugh at themselves too.

I was on a flight into Dallas and the plane came down.

I guess they hit an air pocket or something, and it just went bang, and it was like, oh man.

And uh everybody's like, that was rough.

And the flight attendant came on and she said, uh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dallas.

I'm not sure if we landed or we were shot down, but uh, welcome to Dallas.

And she said, Be sure to be careful when you open those overhead bins.

I am positive things have shifted around.

So be careful when you open that.

And I just love that it's this resetting of expectations of we're gonna set it here.

We're gonna give them quality, but we're gonna exceed expectations.

Well, that is where the majority of frustration in marriage happens is with expectations that are not met, expectations that are off the chart.

And what I want us to look at this morning is very seriously and completely the way God wants to address this.

He designed marriage, he designed it to be enjoyable, he designed it to be fulfilling, and yet there's these frustrations that happen.

And in Luke chapter 6, uh, Jesus gives us kind of a charge.

Luke 6 · chapter mention

Now, before we even read the verse, I want to just encourage you that this is from Jesus Himself, because if you look at the hermeneutics and homiletics of it and the original language, and it's in red.

So I know it's Jesus speaking.

And uh, as I read it, I love this version, so I'm gonna read this version of it.

It says, but love, now, I'm gonna even stop here.

Most of you guys that let me see here, show of hands, men that are married.

Men that are married, okay.

You did not go out and go, man, I want to find me an honorary woman.

That's what I'm looking for.

I mean, I want one mean as a snake.

That's what I want.

I mean, I want to come home and just fight till I want to hate this woman.

That's what I want.

I mean, I want to just be bitter enemies with this woman.

We didn't do that.

We didn't do that.

But here's God's extreme on how to view love.

He's look at this.

It says, but love your enemies and do good and lend, expecting nothing in return.

And your reward will be great, and you'll be sons of the Most High, for he himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.

Well, if we're to do this with our enemies, how much more should we do this with those we love and our spouse?

And I've got to take a step back and say that this charge, and I looked up this word nothing.

I really did look it.

I don't look up a lot of words in the original language.

I trust those who interpret for us.

But that word nothing, do you know what it means in the original language?

Nothing.

That's what it means.

It means nothing.

Do good, give, expecting nothing in return.

Now that sounds very much like a platitude, and when we get down to reality, that's that's not possible.

That's not possible.

So why would God give us this charge when we can't do it?

Because he never intended for us to do it alone.

He knows that we are utterly dependent on him to develop this ability to expect nothing.

Only he can give us the perspective, the power, the peace to do that.

He's the only one that can do that.

So we are reliant on him.

And here's the good news.

If you look at the last part of that verse, it says, For he is kind to ungrateful and evil men.

And this is where we have to start.

That's us.

We have to realize that in our state of brokenness and at our worst day, God is saying, This is the way I love you.

I love you completely.

I do good, I give to you, and I expect nothing from you.

Nothing.

You can't disappoint me.

So when you accept that love and we start to let that love and we embrace that and bring it into our lives, and we invite God into our lives to not only accept that love but empower us, that's where we start gaining understanding.

The reason why we miss this expect nothing is, and I've prayed through this.

There's really three reasons that we miss the wrong expectation.

And I want to just share those reasons with you.

The first one is change.

It's just change.

We have this hyped-up version like Justin described at the beginning of, oh, this is what it's going to be, and it's not, because then we get married, and that's the change into reality.

Or maybe we have just a phenomenal, phenomenal first few years and it's going great, but then we have children.

Children change the situation.

It changes.

Life changes.

And the problem is a lot of times we don't adjust that expectation.

We just keep it up there, and there's no way for us to get to that.

I'll give you one of the examples.

My wife and I, we'd love to have a date night.

We still do this day.

I encourage you, take advantage of that, especially if you have little kids.

Take advantage of date night.

Awesome opportunity.

But our date nights, when we were first married and we didn't have kids, I would, man, I'd plan little bits and pieces for days and think of these amazing creative ideas.

And we're going to this restaurant we've never been to, we're going to go do this and this.

Great creative dates.

Be creative.

Talk to my buddies.

We'd have a small group of guys, played hoops, we'd talk about man, what kind of dates?

That's a great idea.

Creative dates.

Well, we have kids now, and we're down the road.

And if we leave it at that level, we're destined to fail before we start.

The most romantic and embodied encouragement that my wife has given to me was when we have a date night now.

We still try to do at least two a month.

And the most endearing comment she'll make, and I'll be like, okay.

And I try to step up my game, but I'm just I'm working and the kids and going to practices and trying to do this.

And I said, honey, let's go out this way.

She's like, great.

And we'll we'll get the kids settled, we're ready to go.

I'm like, okay.

Um, and I'm trying to think, and I said, Do you have anything, any restaurants you want to go to, anything specific you want to do?

And this is this is ooh, this is it.

She goes, I don't care.

I just want to be with you.

And she is taking that expectation instead of leaving up there, oh, remember what you used to do, remember that.

We used to go all these places, and you just don't ever do it.

She doesn't do it.

She's brought it down to where, hey, I know we're in this together.

I just want to be with you.

It does not matter.

And she she means that too, because I've taken her to Waffle House on a date before, you know, and and she just endures it, and she is just incredible.

And it really doesn't matter.

That resetting, because reality, if I can put it in a uh practical term, um, I gave up golf a few years ago when the kids were little.

I just realized I'm not gonna have time to do this.

I'd rather spend time with the kids, I'd rather coach them, put the sticks in the closet.

And I was never great at golf.

I'd gotten down for if you're a golfer, I got down to about a 10 handicap, which is pretty good.

Not great, but I can hold my own.

Well, a couple years ago, the boys are older, they're like, Dad, can we go to the driving range?

Yeah.

So we go to the driving range and I start to swing some, and then I had an invitation to play in a couple tournaments.

And I got out there, and then I had a buddy say, Hey, and I had a day off.

I'm like, let's go play golf.

And I go out there and I'm ready to chunk clubs because I'm out there and I'm just oh man, I'm playing golf.

This is awesome.

And I'm shanking it and I'm dredging out and I'm ready to throw a club and I'm just ticked off and I get done with the round and I'm tense and I'm frustrated.

Why?

Because my expectation was still here when I was playing two, three, four times a month, going to the driving range once or twice a week.

That's where my expectation was.

My ability and my practice had let it settle down about here into reality.

And I had to make a decision.

Am I gonna keep just being frustrated?

Golf is not meant to be, well, it's a four-letter word.

It's meant to be frustrating, but it's a different issue.

I lowered my expectations to where now last week I played at a corporate event, they said, Hey, can you come down early and play?

I'm like, Yeah.

And I literally, I thought, you know what?

Realistically, when I go out today, what would be a good round?

If I if I parred two holes and if I had two birdie putts today, that would be a great round for where I am right now.

And now I parred four holes, and I did have two birdie putts.

I lift one, but I didn't make it.

I'm like, I made four pars.

And I got done to the end, and a buddy of mine who's a scratch golfer, which means they shoot par, and he's like, hey man, thanks for coming out.

I hope you had a great time.

I said, Man, I had a blast.

This was so fun.

I had a great round.

It was like he looked at the scorecard and went whatever you say, you know, just because I'd adjusted my expectations to what's real and what's realistic.

And that's really the second reason that that really frustration comes into marriage in any part of life is because we're being um bombarded with the unrealistic.

Now I won't go into great depth, but I will say this that I'm gonna give a guy's and a girl's example of this, that when we get our view in the wrong direction, it will destroy what is real and possible.

And I'll give you a male side of this.

There's a rampant um kind of epidemic uh in our society among men with porn.

And let me just tell you porn to the soul of a man is the same as meth is physically to the human body.

It will literally become addictive and destroy you physically, to where that's all you think about, and your whole world will collapse.

That's what porn is to the soul.

It really is.

And if you're single here today and your guy thinking, well, you know what, married, da-da-da-da-da, don't this, that's a part, and it's a desire.

Well, let me just tell you this if that's a part of life and you you succumb to that world, it will destroy any opportunity of having a great sex life.

It will destroy it because it is not real, it's not realistic.

And I'll even go one a little bit further in that in saying that it's not real.

Those women don't exist.

And I've talked to guys who talk about it.

I'm like, you know what?

I've I've met people who are helping in that to bring women out of that.

There's not one woman in that world that's like portrayed.

The truth is that most of them, or several of them, not most of them, several of them are in bondage and they see no way out, and and there's a large portion of them that are in sex slavery, and that's that's part of it.

There's nothing good, it is evil in that the purest sense of the word.

And for those partaking of it, you're you're literally ingesting evil, and it's killing your soul.

So I don't say that to be condemning, I say that to be uh revealing that it's not real.

And on the female side, I'm it's it's not at that level.

I don't understand women at all.

Uh so women are just going, well, you know, we don't have that problem, I say, uh, but I've seen it.

And the the women's side of that is this love of love.

And it sets a complete unrealistic expectation.

And you're bombarded by some movies, some TV, a lot of a lot of different angles, and you're bombarded with this idea that is unrealistic about romance and love.

And now, hear me very clearly.

I'm not saying you can't watch anything.

I want to give a reality TV version of what could portray this, and that's just the bachelor.

Now I watch it, I laugh at it, I think it's funny.

Um, just that any guy would think that having 25 women in love with you, you make out with all of them, and that's real.

That that blows my mind.

But from a female standpoint, there's something that starts to edge into your heart, there's something that starts to get in that says, wow, I wish, I wish I had, I wish I had that attention, I wish, I wish, I wish.

And it's not real.

It's not realistic.

You a normal date is not taking a plane to Bora Bora to eat dinner in a castle.

That's not real.

All right?

That doesn't happen.

And and if it was real, then let me ask you this.

I think they're like their 37th season or something.

One, one couple has come out of that married.

One.

Do you really want a one in 37 shot at a successful marriage?

Really?

Don't be in love with love.

If you want to know what love is, that's where we say, okay, God, what should my expectations be?

You want to see what real love is?

Go back and read the book of Song of Solomon.

See what it means for a man to pursue a woman, for a woman to long for a man, to see what and literally in the Jewish culture, men were not allowed to read that book until they were like 15 years old.

They weren't allowed to even look at that book.

It's that intimate.

And it's God's perspective saying, I created this, and it's really good.

Don't distort it.

Don't buy the lie, buy reality.

It's so much better.

So the first reason is just that changes happen.

The second is that we're bombarded with the unrealistic.

And then the final reason is just a misunderstanding.

The reason why frustration gets in and expectations get out of whack is because we don't understand each other.

Uh, let me ask it this way.

How many of you uh have a Mac computer?

Mac computer, Apple?

Okay.

How many of you have a PC?

Okay.

Now, the Mac people look at PC going, those ignorant.

But the truth is that they're different.

They both compute, but they're different.

Take that, multiply it by about 200 million, and that's men and women.

Okay, they're very different.

We're different with the way, and I want to just give you an idea of I've done a lot of reading on this, and you may have read the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and that's a great book.

It's a good concept that we're very different.

Probably one of the most accurate visuals I've ever seen was men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti.

That's that gives you a little bit of visual there.

It killed me the first one.

They'd never heard this before, but in the in the intimacy part of marriage, I'd heard this concept that men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots.

Okay?

In the in in sex, that's the way it works.

And it's like, and several of you have that same look, like, oh my goodness, that's really it.

That's amazing.

That's that's so true.

Now, the reason I share that, ladies, ladies, if you agree with that, I want you to just kind of grasp this because I want you to understand how men are.

Because from an operating system, let's go back to the computers for a second.

From an operating system standpoint, men, our operating system is logic.

Our operating system is prepare, it is to provide, it is to protect, it is to problem solve.

That is what we're in on a regular basis.

You're more of a Mac.

You are an emotionally based operating system.

Everything's intertwined, and I can bring this over to here, and this over to here, and that's you, okay?

Now, realize this about men, okay?

About men.

We have emotions, okay?

That's just not our operating system.

If you have, if you who has more than 40 apps on Their phone.

More than 40?

Okay, a few.

That's awesome.

How many like how many do you have on your phone?

About 45 apps.

Now there's probably one or two of them in there that you don't use a lot, right?

They're just there.

And there's some that if you leave them on and you don't use them, they drain your battery.

That is emotion for men.

It's that app.

Okay?

It's there.

It's not on.

But if you ask us to serve, we're going to find it, and then we open it, and then it just drains our battery.

Okay?

That's us emotionally.

Where's your operating system, man?

When you come on, everything is emotion.

Everything's interacted.

Everything's awesome.

Everything's great.

Ladies, the reason I share the crock pot and the microwave is this is the one area that is literally inverted.

Emotionally, you are the microwave.

Instantly ready to just feel and touch, and oh my gosh, and somebody's somebody weeps, and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

You don't even know what's wrong with them, and you're crying with them.

It's just that's crazy.

Emotionally, we are the crock pot.

Don't ask us to just start feeling because we're gonna find that app, alright?

If I could put it this way, and this is a great visual from the animal kingdom.

We are emotionally like porcupines, alright?

You don't just come up and start petting a porcupine, alright?

Don't do it.

You're gonna get stuck in the porcupines.

Always on defense.

Protect.

He's always rooting around while he's in defense trying to provide.

That's the way a porcupine is.

Protect, provide, and problem solve.

They're always looking at the situation.

You want to pet a porcupine?

You have to literally coax them into a safe environment and make sure they have what they need.

And then those quills start to go down.

And then you can pet the porcupine.

Then you can find they have a soft stomach.

Then you can get there.

But don't just come in and go, hey, here, let's pet, let's pet, let's go.

Oh man, what's wrong with you?

You're just oh, you're always just so harsh.

Why can't you?

Because that's not us.

That's not us.

Now, so ladies, I hope you got a little bit of insight of understanding us.

Men, I want us to get a little bit of understanding about ladies.

Now, there's no easy way to say this.

I just got to tell you some of my favorite animals to watch.

Um, I love the zircus and I love the zoo.

And I love to watch elephants.

They're fun, they're exciting, they're in the circus, and woo.

And I love to watch hippos at the zoo.

They're just really cool.

Now, if you've seen elephants and hippos, you know that, like a hippo, if you see them in the wild in Africa, you and you're on a river, they're hard to find, aren't they?

Because they show them what's the only part of a hippo that's above water?

Their eyes and their nose.

That's it.

And they just the rest of them are underwater.

Do you know why that is?

It's because hippos, they have no hair and they don't sweat.

So they are totally in the water to protect themselves.

Not only that, but if you see an elephant, elephants, you'll see them during the heat of the day.

They'll roll around in the dirt.

And if they can find water, they'll roll around in the mud.

If a hippo comes out of the water, they'll roll around in mud.

It's not because they're just playing, oh, look, they're playing.

No, they're not.

They're protecting themselves because their skin cannot handle the intense heat.

Now, follow me on this, and this is for men and ladies, you can hate me later because I'm not saying new this, but emotionally, women are like hippos and elephants.

Okay?

Now, I did not just call you hippos and elephants.

Their skin is that way.

Guys, that's why when we walk in and they are emotionally in the throes of whatever is frustrating them.

What we come in and we're in the problem solve, protect, and provide.

You're in the mud.

Let me get you out.

Come on, come on, get out of the mud.

I'm in the mud, and it's so I can help you out.

It's mud.

Get out of the mud.

And the whole time she's like, but it's so and here's the deal, guys.

They have to be in there.

Now, this is the revelation for me.

And my wife is in the back going, hey man, hallelujah.

He finally got it.

Because I want to fix it.

And you know what she needs?

She needs me to get in the mud and just sit in the mud with her.

And that is not logical, it is not helpful, but it is.

This is where the expectations go crazy.

My expectation is that she will be sane and logical.

Hers is that I would be emotional and understanding, and we're just out of whack.

But we've got to realize and understand that she's wired that way.

And yeah, she's gonna want me to help out, but right now she just she needs, she's gonna burn up.

She's overwhelmed, and the heat of the situation is getting her, and she's gotta dive in the mud.

She's gotta wallow in the mud.

I don't know why.

But here's what I do know: she needs me in the mud with her.

And I'm not good at that.

And I've started to try to figure that out.

So my challenge for you and I this morning is a realization, an acknowledgement and a realization.

Acknowledgement of which one of these has my expectation out of whack.

It'll be a great conversation.

Uh, don't get intense on it, just hey, what part really surprised you about expectations, or which one do maybe I struggle with or you struggle with?

Is it the changes that we've left the expectation here, but our life's changed and it's down here?

We need to adjust that.

Talk about it.

Maybe it's the unrealistic, and maybe you're just internalizing going, man, I didn't realize I had opened myself up to that, which is killing me, or I had put these unrealistic expectations on.

And ladies, I know that this is a common piece because I hear it.

I hear it from other women.

They're going, just I wish my husband was more like him, whoever him is.

Well, let me guarantee you, I guarantee you, his husband, his wife is saying the same thing.

I wish he was like, and all these women point fingers because you're not looking at him, you're looking at the perception of him.

He's not that way, he's not it.

And and do I need to lose that perception of that?

Or maybe it's the misunderstanding.

Maybe you just want, honey, baby, you're a hippo, and I didn't realize that.

And I just, and I wouldn't use those terms.

Uh but that's the acknowledgement.

Here's the realization.

We can't do this without God.

Here's my prayer, and it's in it's in Ephesians, and I love the way he writes this.

Um he's basically saying, Hey, I want you to have, I want you to have God in the middle of it because only he can give us this.

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened so that you will know what is the hope of his calling, what he wants for us to have in marriage.

What are the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints?

In other words, it's already ours.

We just have to discover it and claim it.

And what is the surpassing greatness of his power towards us who believe?

These are in accordance with the workings of the strength of his might.

It comes from him, not us.

It's not us trying harder, it's us connecting more tightly with what God wants and longs to do through us.

It's saying, God, which one do you want me to work on now?

And next time, and here's the trigger: next time you feel like I'm frustrated, ask God, which frustration, which expectation do you want to reset?

Which one do I need to work on?

Which one do we need to talk about?

Because if we'll do that, it'll change everything.

And let me pray, and then I'm gonna share with you next week gets even better.

Let me pray for us.

God, thank you so much.

Thank you so much that your truth helps.

And Lord, thank you that our expectations, you know the roller coaster they are, but you know the perfect place intimately in every individual situation where to set them.

And you're longing to show us if we'll just ask you.

So, Father, I pray that we would do that, and that we would.