How Do My Kids Process Their Thoughts?

Hey everybody and welcome back to uh podcast discussion talking about raising kids who follow Jesus.

I'm Madison.

And I'm Megan.

And uh we are kind of it's like a little mini-series kind of going through some of the stuff you recently taught about understanding your kids better.

Because if you understand your kids better, you can kind of I mean head off the conflict.

Yeah.

Mitigate the conflict.

Yeah, you're not gonna stop the conflict, that's for sure.

But the idea is that as parents, we often encounter conflict with our kids.

And in those moments, we don't have a ton of time usually to um quell that conflict.

And if we understand what's going on under the conflict, it's a lot easier to come in and enter that conflict and actually get a result.

Nice.

Rather than just stop it or because I said so.

Right.

Or or just grabbing their arm and moving them.

Um if you can understand what's causing the conflict, what's actually happening underneath the conflict, you can enter into the conflict and get a result that actually goes your way.

Yeah, and I think this is like if we're all moving toward Jesus as a family, this is like the ability for you to hold out your hand and actually get your hand held, you know, back, sort of thing.

Yes.

And so understanding them kind of where we're going, you kind of see what tugs at them what when they're walking makes it a lot a lot easier.

And so today we're talking about how your kids think.

Yes.

Um, this is this is hopefully helpful in those moments when you're looking at your child and going, oh my gosh, what are they thinking right now?

Um and and getting to the bottom of that, which is actually kind of getting to the top layer.

What do you mean?

Um well when kids are in uh conflict mode or crisis mode or in that moment where you're like, What what are they thinking?

You are actually wanting to get to how they're processing their thoughts.

Gotcha.

Um we all um think in a variety of ways and in a variety of layers.

And when we are pushed or backed into a corner or or trying to solve something quickly, we are going to rely on one mode of processing that we're most comfortable with.

And if you want to think of it like you're wearing a baseball cap, um, the top layer of how you process or how you think is going to be the thing that rises to the top in the moments of conflict, the moments of stress, the moments of being put.

So this comes out first.

It's kind of like this is like, okay, I know how to fix this.

Yes.

Here, here's how it happens.

Yes, this is going to be like your forward presenting of processing.

I know that's like the fancy way of thinking of, but it's just your baseball cap.

This is what you wear on top.

So you can see it on the outside.

Yeah.

It's like everyone's like, okay, this is okay.

This is what the top point.

This is what boils to the top when you're pressed.

So what are the different, I guess, color baseball caps we can wear or wearing different kinds of hats?

Sure, different kind of hats.

The fedora is the your fedora.

The first one is going to be logic.

Um you can have kids that try to solve things with logic.

Um, their logic is going to come forward first.

If you think about it, this is this is the kid that when they want to get their way, when they're caught doing something wrong, when when when they're pushed, when they're backed into the corner, logic comes out first.

So this child is going to debate you.

Um, they're going to maybe even be the kid that creates like a pros and cons list to solve something.

Um, when they're trying to figure out how to do something, they're gonna be like, well, this would work, well, that wouldn't work.

I was gonna say, do they even stage the debate by themselves as they think out loud?

Like, so Susie did this at school, but that probably means the mark, and then this okay, gotcha.

I can see that.

They're they're going to systematically solve it in their head.

It can happen very quickly, especially as they get older.

They can do this logic very fast, but they're going to systematically work through and analyze the problem.

Um, but they also could be the child that comes to you with a presentation as to why this will work or why this will not work.

They are the lawyer.

Right.

They are the the one who's like, and so I was thinking when they come to you with why they want to get their way, it's going to be very logical, it's going to make a lot of sense, and they might be the kid that's hard to reason with because they've already reasoned it.

Yeah.

And so as reasoned it their way.

As you're raising that kind of kid, um, what are some of the, I guess, pitfalls?

Is that like a a way to think of it?

Or maybe pitfalls and then how can you use this?

I guess are the two options.

Yes.

So so this this child has a lot of other ways to think.

We all have um all of the baseball caps that we're gonna go through all exist within our minds.

They're just deeper layers.

Yeah.

And as a parent, you might need to get to some of those deeper layers of thinking for this child, but the way to get to them is through this baseball cap.

Okay, gotcha.

This is the lid on their thinking.

And to So you have to speak the language of logic so that you can get to maybe something on that deeper side.

Yes.

You might need to really understand what this child is feeling.

Um, they may come to you with the presentation, the pros and cons list, um, the the all of the systematic analytic reasons why this is going on, but you might really need to get to why they're what they're feeling, what they're going through.

Um you can only get there through logic.

You're going to have to like take, peel off the lid of logic to get to what's going on in their heart and their soul.

Um, and as a parent, you're going to have to speak the language of logic.

So you're going to have to go through the solutions with them.

You might have to admit that whatever problem they're going through seems solutionless.

Um, you might have to um really like go through their pro pros and cons list with them and and weigh things out with them and and do that with them.

But you also have to uh teach them and and uh uh be intentional with them that uh planning everything, systematically analyzing everything isn't our job because uh we can't plan out uh everything, we can't logic everything to death.

Gotcha.

And so what do you replace that with?

Well, it's I I looked up some Bible verses for the for these different little caps because we can we can plan our course, but the Lord determines our steps.

Gotcha.

And it there's a there's Proverbs about this, Proverbs 16, 3, Proverbs 16 9, but talking about how we can plan and we can logic and we can try to solve and we can look for ways to to figure things out.

But but it's the Lord who determines how things go.

So for this child coming to them in a moment of stress or crisis or even like getting in trouble when they're trying to like solve it, right?

Going, listen, we can try to figure this out, we can try to solve it, we need to turn it over to the Lord.

Yeah, He's gonna determine how this goes.

I'm with you.

How are you so how are you feeling about that?

And taking the logic off and getting to a deeper Right, letting letting go of the control.

Yes.

And not that logic is greater than emotion or emotion is greater than logic, but for this particular child, you're gonna have to intentionally dive below that.

Like you said, to dive below that, that's gonna take one, like meeting them there, so we can kind of process through it first.

Yes.

But two, like you can let it go once you've processed through it.

Yeah.

And that I think letting letting it go and giving it to God, like maybe letting that last turn of the conversation just be like, and what do you think like Jesus would think?

Or what do you think Jesus would say?

Or how do you think God feels about this?

Yeah.

So rather than a pros and cons, it's like pros and cons, and then God, like right at the last bit to kind of let that layer go.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

And and in in a fast moment for like a little kid, you might be able to say, like, I know this doesn't make sense.

We're gonna let God make sense of this and we're gonna move forward.

Gotcha.

And just really quickly, I know this doesn't make sense.

I know this doesn't make sense to you.

I know this is not part of your plan.

The Lord has a plan.

We're going to move forward.

And just really quickly, because sometimes you don't have an hour to sit down with this child.

With your spreadsheet.

Yeah, you don't.

You don't.

Because you're in a restaurant and it's loud and you need to move forward.

And you can just tell them, listen, I know this doesn't follow your plan.

That's really stressful.

It's really hard.

We're gonna give that to the Lord and we're gonna move forward.

Cool.

Yeah.

So we touched on it a little bit.

I think emotion is the next one.

Yeah, that's the next if that's the next baseball cap.

Um, really emotionally processing children.

They process emotions first.

Emotions rise to the top.

Logic is way, way deep down in there.

They're not thinking straight, they are just emoting.

They're just all it all kinds of.

All the tears come out.

Yes.

Um they you probably if you have this child, you have a lot of slammed doors, a lot of stomping up of stairs, a lot of um, a lot of emotions.

Or even as you're like younger, like the the tantrum level.

Oh, yes.

Like just kicking making a scene.

Yeah, throw falling down on the floor, refusing to move.

They go boneless.

Boneless, yeah.

Kids would go boneless all the time, or all of a sudden they weigh 200 pounds.

Why are you doing this?

Yeah.

Um so um yes.

So this child would be.

So how do we get through how do we get through those emotions?

Like what's the if we were meeting them on the logic level for logic, how do we meet them on the emotional level?

Do we do we also throw a tantrum?

Yes, yes, what you do.

You you go boneless in Target and my No, no, no, no, don't do that.

Um, one thing I will say, this child also um you may have this child, they may go silent.

Um children, especially if they're older, um, they may have been the child that kicked and screamed in when they were younger.

Later they may withhold their emotions.

That's right.

So like holding their emotions hostage is still a play to your emotions.

Like, I'm not gonna let you see how I feel.

Yeah.

That's not a logic response.

That's still an emotional.

Yes.

So this may be a silent child too.

Um but with this kid, you have to speak their emotional language.

Just treating their emotions as ridiculous, even though they may be, that is true, isn't going to help take that lid off to get them to solve the problem logically.

Because a lot of the things that they're dealing with can be solved, can be talked about, can be talked through, but they're in such an emotional state.

You have to actually speak that language, take the lid off to get to the deeper thinking process.

Which counterintuitively makes sense.

I have a three-year-old, and so dealing with the three-year-old's emotions, I want to solve it and just be like, No, you're not gonna have the lollipop.

We decided it's gonna be dinner first, then lollipop.

I'm meeting the logic, but if I would have just sat there and be like, oh man, I'm so sorry, and gave him a hug, he probably would have just gone on and been fine.

But that the crying lasted twice as long because I wasn't meeting him in a way that could be received.

Right.

Because he doesn't he knows he's not gonna get the lollipop either way.

He knows the logic.

It's there.

Right.

Right.

But he had to process that emotion first.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

And so you don't want to coddle the emotions as a parent.

Like you don't want to sit there and be like, yes, this tantrum that you're throwing is completely appropriate.

No, like I know that this makes you really sad.

Like I'm like touching base there, not necessarily like going like, I want this to happen every time I say no lollipop.

Right.

But no, I know this makes you very sad.

And if you need time to cry, go cry here.

I'm gonna meet you there.

I know that that's part of your processing.

Right.

Yeah, and that's I think that gets harder and harder to do as your kids get older.

It can.

Because you have to hear them out.

You have to, you want to take, you're taking the lid off to get to the logic.

So when your kid is really upset about something and they are losing it, they're freaking out.

Um, so I think about um older kids freaking out about something that has really upset them.

Going to them and saying, This is this is really upsetting.

This is I this is really hard.

And I understand how upsetting this is.

Um even letting some of your emotions about it show isn't a bad thing, depending on the situation, obviously.

Like you don't want to like jump into their emotions with them, but letting them see like this is really upsetting, and I'm really sorry that this is happening.

This is really awful.

And I'm this is really unfair and really, really bad, and I'm really, really sorry.

This really sucks.

It gives them it so then the deeper layer layer would be the logic.

So then you go, so what can we do about this moving forward?

Gotcha.

How do how do we how do we move forward from this?

Because I don't want to sit in this awfulness.

Yeah, then it becomes about the plan.

Yes and that's what kind of draws you out of the Yes, and then moving forward to Jesus, I think it's important for them to know that our emotions aren't always a clear barometer of what's actually happening in life.

Right.

Um, so my daughter um processes emotionally, you know.

It's always it's kind of a stereotype that daughters are emotional processors, like girls do this.

My sons do this too.

Right.

Um, and teaching them, so you you're reacting at like a 10.

What's happening is a three.

Are your emotions are lying to you?

Yeah.

And your emotions are not accurately showing you what's happening.

So let's look at this and go, what is really going on?

So your emotions are telling you the world is ending.

What's really happened is you gotta see.

Right.

So what do we do now?

Okay.

Right, right.

And you move forward.

And so like anchoring it on truth rather than on right, how they feel.

Yes.

And ultimately in Jesus, we find that ultimate truth.

Yes.

And if you want some good verses, Jeremiah 17, 9 through 10, Proverbs 3, 5 through 6 talk about how our heart is not accurate.

Right.

That Jesus actually reads the hearts of men and can tell you what is true.

So taking your heart to Jesus and saying, My heart feels like this, tell me what is true.

Please manually adjust the barometer.

Please, my temperature gauges off.

Right.

Um, is a really good thing to do.

Cool.

And are there any other hats?

Yes.

There's one more, and this one's a little more subtle, um, but it is a very real lid um to getting to what is going on in your kids' thinking.

And it is the hat of charisma.

Yes.

As soon as you said this and explained it, I was like, this is my son.

I was like, it explained it.

I was like, wow.

So what is charisma?

Okay, so think about the kid when they want their way, or when they are caught doing something wrong, their first reaction is to make you laugh, flash a smile, butter you up, and then the consequences melt away.

Like this is the kid that is going to use their natural charm and charisma, read the room, and get their way.

And it is a way of processing the world and processing thoughts and processing relationship that just feels manipulative to me.

Well, logic is also manipulative.

Emotions are super manipulative.

That is true.

Someone comes in screaming, crying.

Yes.

Hard to deal with.

It's just hard because I like it.

It's so funny.

Like my kid's so funny.

It just works with you.

Yeah, maybe that's what it is.

Because I'm weak, I'm weak to it.

Yeah.

And so he'll like he cocks his head to the left and then goes, huh?

And the big smile.

And I'm like, I told you to go to your room.

And he's like, stop my room.

He's like, there's like a silly voice.

I'm like, that is very funny, but go to your room.

Yes, yes.

And and as kids get older, I think it actually becomes a wall that their processing can hide behind.

Because if they're just the funny kid and the kid that controls the room and controls everybody's charisma, what are they actually thinking?

How are they actually processing their emotions?

What is actually going on behind that lid and that facade doesn't actually ever get processed out.

Right, which is kind of the trope of like comedians being like really emotionally distraught on the inside, but on the outside they can kind of control the room.

Exactly.

And class clowns have that, and yeah.

So they don't ever actually logically solve the problem.

Right.

It just all kind of fades away in the midst of the charisma.

And you're like, oh, I don't know what's going on with him.

Ah, I hope he's okay.

Yeah, he seems fine.

Right.

Is he?

Right.

Is that kid really fine?

And so to to not just go along with the fun.

Right.

Which kind of a is a bummer because you don't get to have fun.

Well, you do.

No, I know.

Yeah.

But how do you meet them?

Either meet them on the level or get a little layer deeper.

Okay, so it's the same process.

You want to take the lid off by speaking the language.

So with this kid, if you want to know what they're thinking, what's going on, you know, it's it's what happened at school today?

And they make a joke, right?

Join in the fun, share in the joy.

You might have to be silly with this kid.

I am not a silly person.

I'm not.

But when I have I have my charisma kid, if I want them to do something, I have to be silly.

I have to join in the silliness, get out of myself, join in the silliness, and then I can get them to agree with what is going on around them.

Awesome.

So um you have to get them laughing.

But you also have to dig deeper.

So once you get them laughing, and once you get them into the joke, you have to remember to be intentional.

And and you get them laughing about the situation, like, so okay, so I know that's funny, but really like so what are you really thinking is going on with that?

What is what how are you really feeling about that relationship?

I know that it was funny, but like there's some deeper stuff going on there.

So how are you feeling about that?

You have you have to be the one to not stick the lid back on and just let them hide behind the wall of the humor.

Um and with younger kids, I was thinking about this with my my little one, he's five, and he is a charisma kid and will just charisma his way to all the things he wants.

Um, when he refuses to do something, I just get down on his level, make a funny little joke.

I'd be like, all right, now it's time to get in the car, and he will do it.

It totally works.

That's cool.

But you just have to get him laughing with you.

Yeah, and it's like it gives you the room to say, now everything's not funny.

Come on.

Come on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We've laughed.

Let's go.

Yeah, and the verse that you pointed out was Ecclesiastes when we were discussing this earlier, and where it's like, there's a time for peace and there's a time for war.

There's a time to laugh and there's a time to cry, there's a time for everything.

So it's it is like, as the parent recognizing, like, it's okay that they're laughing right here.

Absolutely.

I can be okay with the laughing and then get them on my page to say, like, now it's time to cry.

No.

But now now it's time to like the world is serious and we do have serious things to do, especially with young kids, like getting them safely across the street is not the time to be goofing around.

Right.

Um, and as those responsibilities grow as they're enter their teenage years, you do really need to have like there's a sober reality here.

Even though charisma is how you filter things um and process stuff, like know that when you're at a party, things can go south past midnight or whatever the right.

There's a time for you to make a serious decision.

Right.

And and also as a parent, I see there's a serious side to you, and I see that there's a somber side to you, and I see that there's a side to you that has goals and has dreams and has things that are outside of just this funny ha-ha facade.

And I see those things, and as a parent, I want to develop those things and speak to those things and have you speak to those things to me.

And if you value those things in your kid, they will value those things too.

And they won't be afraid to share those things.

Those walls will come down with you, and when you're the safe place for those things, they'll find other people, and it it won't be such a wall.

Yeah, and that's like I think with with all of these, you said lid and walls and holding hands, all the metaphors.

Because it's the way they think their brain should hatch.

Yeah, yeah.

But like with all of these, and I think it's really helpful, is like as you're trying to like show them who Jesus is and walk them through life and encounter all of the problems that come with raising kids, it's like meeting them on their level is not the end.

It's it's the means.

Like that's how you get to that deeper stuff.

That's how you get to that conversation about God, it's how you get to that um this discipline, you know, or whatever it might be.

So those uh thinking processes I think are really helpful.

So thanks for sharing.

Yeah, no problem.