All of Me | Pastor Chip Parker | Week 2

So, what we said last week, I think, stands.

Marriage is a good gift from a good God.

And I hope you were here last week as we unpack that, what marriage is, what marriage was meant to be, and that there is more to marriage than we're willing to really embrace culturally.

That marriage is designed by God to be the one place where we can be completely connected with someone else.

Matter of fact, that's why we're calling this series All of Me, is because marriage is that one place uniquely designed and created by God where we can have intimacy on every level of us with someone else.

Those three levels of intimacy we talked about last week are uh emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.

And while we can have a type of intimacy uh kind of siloed off out of those three with someone else, emotional intimacy with friends, uh, spiritual intimacy with people you go to church with, the uniqueness of marriage is that that's where they all meet.

That's the one place where all of those come together.

And if we want our marriages to be healthy and fulfilling, then what we have to do is learn how to connect with our spouse on all three of those levels.

We have to learn to connect emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

And so what we're gonna do starting this week in the next three weeks are look at exactly how we do that.

And today we're gonna lean into emotional intimacy, how we connect with our spouse there.

So maybe the first place for us to start is by defining emotional intimacy.

What is emotional intimacy?

What does that mean?

I would say it like this emotional intimacy is when we are fully known, intentionally chosen, and relationally safe.

When those three things exist, that's when we have emotional intimacy.

Fully known, intentionally chosen, relationally safe.

And I think we see that kind of connection, that kind of emotional intimacy hinted at in the passage we began with last week.

So if you saw the message last week, we started out in Genesis chapter 2, verse number 18.

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

So if you got your Bible, go with me there.

We'll read it together and then kind of zoom in on this picture of emotional intimacy.

We read this, Genesis chapter 2, verse 18.

Genesis 2:18

It says, Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone.

I will make a helper corresponding to him.

And the Lord God formed out of the ground every wild animal and every bird of the sky, and brought each to the man to see what he would call it.

And whatever the man called the living creature, that was its name.

The man gave names to all the livestock, could the birds of the sky, and to every wild animal, but for the man no helper was found corresponding to him.

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to come over the man, and he slept.

God took one of his ribs and closed the flesh at that place.

Then the Lord God made the rib he had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man.

And the man said, This one at last is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.

This one will be called woman, for she was taken from man.

And this is why man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.

Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.

So I think when we see that picture, this is the foundation for marriage that we see in Scripture.

And that phrase at the very end of this in verse 25, both the man and his wife were naked and felt no shame.

I think that's more than just like a throwaway comment.

The fact that Adam and Eve were naked and felt no shame has more to do with their spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy than it does with any type of physical intimacy.

See, spiritually, at this stage of creation, they were innocent before the Lord.

They were walking according to his good design, so they had nothing to feel ashamed about.

But I think even beyond that, for what we're talking about today, in the fact that they were naked and felt no shame, we see that they were emotionally open and vulnerable with each other in every way of life.

It's a picture of vulnerability.

They were vulnerable in all of themselves to the other person.

And I think that idea of vulnerability really speaks to the idea of intimacy.

Adam and Eve were fully open, fully known, and they had no fear of being rejected.

They had someone that was made corresponding to them, made like them, that they could truly share every part of themselves with.

And that's God's design for marriage.

That there is someone that we can share all of ourselves with emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

And what we see is that when two people are not emotionally connected together, their relationship shifts away from God's design for marriage, where they are completely known into more of like a roommate type agreement.

They share homes, they share schedules, bills, maybe even kids in a bed, but they don't share themselves.

I think that's why so many people are dissatisfied with marriage, because they're not experiencing the emotional intimacy that God designed marriage to foster.

Instead, they're just roommates.

And here's what you have to understand: proximity doesn't equal intimacy.

Just because you're close to someone doesn't mean you're close with someone.

You can live in the same house and still be miles apart.

So, how do we build or how do we rebuild the type of emotional intimacy that we see pictured in Genesis chapter two?

Well, I think we can actually go back to Genesis chapter two and see it.

I think it starts here.

Number one, emotional intimacy begins with being known.

If we look back in verse 18, the first verse we read, God says it's not good for the man to be alone.

Now, when you think about it, at this stage of creation, Adam wasn't alone in isolation.

Uh, he was surrounded by all kinds of creatures and by a vibrant and brand new creation.

But he was living in an emotional isolation.

Why?

Because he needed that helper that was corresponding to him, that person who was like him so that they could know him and he could share his life with.

And I think inside of every human heart, there is that deep need that we would be known.

We need somebody to know us and to know us fully, someone that we don't have to put on a show for, someone that we can take the mask off and just be us with.

But here's the thing: I think even though emotional intimacy has to begin with being known, and inside the human heart is the desire to be known.

I think in many ways, not only is that idea of being known one of our greatest desires, I think it's also one of our greatest fears.

Because what happens when we are fully known, but then rejected.

And so that's why emotional intimacy has to go beyond just being known, it has to deepen by being chosen.

Emotional intimacy begins by being known, but it deepens by being chosen.

You see, when Adam sees Eve, his choice is clear.

He says in verse 23, this one, this one, her, this one at last is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.

Adam sees her and he chooses her.

And to further this point, the author of Genesis says in verse 24, this is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.

The way I've always heard this talked about comes from the King James language.

They we are to leave and cleave.

We are to leave our family of mother and father, brother and sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, whoever, and cleave to, cling to, be bonded with our spouse, leaving and cleaving.

But here's the the truth.

Bottom line, this is a choice.

You have to choose your spouse as your new family.

And choosing other people besides your spouse, whether it be mom and dad, whether it be friends or whoever, choosing others over your spouse is one of the greatest dangers to emotional intimacy in marriage.

And that's why we see marriages struggling today is because our culture has shifted away from choosing your spouse over and over to making this choice just a one-time thing.

And that one-time choice is damaging the ground that emotional intimacy grows in.

What do I mean by a one-time thing?

I mean that we feel like we choose our spouse on our wedding day when we say I do, but now we ask our question every day, am I still happy with my choice?

Does my choice still fit?

Does my choice still work?

What we should be asking is not, am I happy with the choice I made then?

The question we should be asking is, what am I doing to choose my spouse again today?

What am I doing to choose my spouse again right now?

And look, some days that's easier than others.

But this is where our marriage gets to be a picture of Jesus and his relationship with his bride, the church.

When we choose our spouse, not just once, but over and over again, it is an intentional choice.

It is a sacrificial choice, and it is a choice not based on their performance.

We choose them not because they're so awesome, because some days they aren't.

We choose them because it's our choice and we choose to love them.

That has to happen for emotional intimacy to grow.

We have to be known.

All of us, not just the good but the bad, not just the pretty but the ugly, not just when we're crushing it, but when we're falling apart.

We need to be known and then we need to be chosen.

I see you and I choose you.

I know you and I still want you.

And you see, this is why finally what we're gonna see is that emotional intimacy begins with knowing someone.

It deepens when we choose them, and then finally, emotional intimacy flourishes when we feel safe.

And that's where we started, right?

Adam and Eve in verse 25 were naked and felt no shame.

They were known and they were chosen.

They weren't hiding, covering, fearing, blaming.

There was nothing they needed to protect.

There was nothing they were weaponizing against one another.

There was just connection and intimacy.

But what happened?

In Genesis chapter 3, sin enters the picture.

Genesis 3 · chapter mention

And what happens then?

What did they do?

They start to cover up, they hide, they're afraid, and then they start to blame each other.

See, what happened is sin weaponized their vulnerability, and sinned turned their vulnerability against each other.

And I think the truth is we still face that same tension in our relationships today.

That when someone knows us and when someone chooses us, there's always an opportunity for them to use that against us.

And that's why we have to make sure that that emotional intimacy flourishes in a space where we feel safe.

Emotional intimacy can't flourish if we are using vulnerability as a weapon.

Just look at some other places in the New Testament that speaks to this.

1 Corinthians chapter 13, verse 4 and 5 say this love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, it is not boastful, it is not arrogant, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not irritable, and look at this, and does not keep a record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:4

We have to provide that kind of safe relationship for our spouse, that they know that when they are vulnerable, they are safe with us, and we are not going to use that vulnerability they've shown as a weapon against them.

James chapter 1, verse 19 says this, my dear brothers and sisters, understand this.

James 1:19

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.

What if we started doing that in our marriage?

Should be quick to listen to our spouse, slow to speak out.

That means say my mind fast to understand, and then slow to anger.

We have to have that foundation of safety, of security, that you can trust me for emotional intimacy to flourish.

So, what we've seen is that emotional intimacy can be built, or even if you've lost it, it can be rebuilt if we are fully known, intentionally chosen, and relationally safe.

That reminds me, first John chapter 4, verse 18.

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love.

Instead, perfect love drives out fear.

So, what can we do to see this in our marriage?

What are some practical steps we can take?

You're thinking, Chip, I get it.

We need to be known, we need to be chosen, we need to be safe.

What does that look like?

What can I do to start fostering that inside of my relationship?

Well, here's some practical takeaways.

I'd say this: number one, communication is the catalyst for emotional intimacy.

You have got to talk to each other.

Somebody has to go first.

Somebody has to be vulnerable.

Somebody has to let the guard down.

And I believe that that someone that God asked to go first is the husband.

We're quick to talk about how husbands are the head of the household, but I believe that means more than just go get me another glass of sweet tea.

That means you, husband, are called to go first in the hard things.

If there's a problem, the burden lies on you to fix it.

So start the conversation.

Talk to each other.

And let me just give you even three questions you can ask each other.

Number one, do you feel known by me?

Number two, do you still feel chosen by me?

And number three, do you feel safe with me?

If you don't know where to start the conversation, start there.

Do you feel known by me?

Do you still feel chosen by me?

Do you feel safe with me?

Because communication is the catalyst for this type of emotional intimacy.

And then finally, maybe one more practical takeaway.

Just remind you that commitment is that foundation for emotional intimacy.

So what's the practical takeaway there?

How about this?

Take the word divorce out of your vocabulary.

Now, look, I'm not saying that there are not instances where there is, quote, justifiable divorce in the scriptures.

We're talking about adultery, infidelity, abuse.

I'm not saying that there's never a reason that you need to say, I can't do this anymore.

But what I've seen and what I've experienced in my own life and talking with other people is that when you are walking on eggshells around each other, nothing gets better.

You're afraid to have these conversations.

You're afraid to lean into the issues because you don't want to start another fight.

You don't know where that fight's gonna end.

You don't want to ruin the marriage.

So you just kind of, you know, let it be.

But can I tell you that's no way for intimacy to grow walking on eggshells with each other?

Make a commitment to your spouse.

You guys get down, talk to each other face to face, say, we're taking divorce out of our vocabulary.

We're gonna have the hard conversations.

You are safe with me.

I'm not gonna use your concerns, your issues, your hurt against you as a weapon.

I'm gonna stop walking on eggshells, and you can too.

So just do practical takeaways that I hope are helpful.

Communication is the catalyst for this kind of intimacy.

Commitment is the foundation for this kind of intimacy.

Start the conversations, take divorce out of your vocabulary and stop walking on eggshells.

And I believe that's a great place for you to start.

If we can help, if we can pray with you, for you, if we can help facilitate some of these conversations, that's what we're here for.

Reach out to us and we'll be happy to help how we can.

But right now, let me pray for you.

God, thanks for the time that you've given us today to talk about the blessing of emotional intimacy in marriage, the gift of being fully known, chosen, and safe.

And yet, God, I understand that there are many people who do not experience that.

And so I pray that you would help them to build it or rebuild it inside of their marriages, that you would raise up men who are strong and courageous to go first and have these conversations, to let their guard down, take their mask off.

And God, that you would begin to grow marriages in our churches and in our communities the way that you designed them to grow.

That they would be healthy, that they would flourish, and that we would find that place and that person that we can connect with in every area of our life.

In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen.