Rick Warren - Unlocking the Marriage Matrix—Part One

Everybody longs for deep, lasting love. But strong relationships don't

just happen by accident. Today on Pastor Rick's Daily Hope,

we're continuing our series called Finding and Keeping the Love

of Your Life. Rick Warren will share practical, biblical wisdom

for building healthier, stronger, Christ-centered relationships. So whether you're single, dating, engaged,

or married, this series will help you grow in love, communication,

and lasting commitment. Okay, let's jump right in. Here is

part one of a message called Unlocking the Marriage Matrix.

So I went out this week and I actually looked

up the word matrix in the dictionary and discovered that

the matrix is a dozen different things. It has over

a dozen different definitions and usages. For instance, did you

know that the matrix is the formative tissue around your toenail?

And I thought that was called fungus. But it's a matrix.

Did you know that the matrix is the solid matter

in which fossils are embedded? That's called the matrix. The

matrix is a metal plate used for old type style setting.

The matrix is the primary metal in an alloy. For instance,

iron is the matrix of steel. And the matrix is

the connection between inputs and outputs in a computer. But

as I read through these dozen different definitions of the matrix,

I discovered several that sounded vaguely like marriage. For instance,

the matrix is an intersection of two opposites. Sounds like

marriage to me. The matrix is a relationship in which

something new develops.

Sounds like marriage to me.

The matrix is a binding substance that keeps two things together.

Sounds like marriage to me.

Now, the Bible doesn't call marriage a matrix, but it

does call marriage a mystery. Look at the verse at

the top of your outline, Ephesians 5, 31 and 32.

It says, a man leaves his father and mother and

is joined to his wife, and the two are united

into one.

There's the matrix, united into one.

And this is a great mystery, but it is an

illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.

Now, some of you think, well, if marriage is a matrix,

is it real or an illusion?

And that's really a pretty good question because in today's culture,

is it possible anymore for two people to so love

each other that they would spend their entire lives together?

Is it possible that two could be so bound together

that so bonded together in a marriage that nothing can

separate them except death. Is that possible? We're going to

look at that for the next several weeks. Now I

know what some of you single adults are saying, it's

time for me to go to another church for a month.

And I beg you, please don't do that for three reasons.

Number one, you know some married people who are going

to need this material and you could counsel them. Number two,

you might get married someday in the future. And number three,

even if you don't, you still need to learn as

an adult the relational skills that are applied to every relationship,

not just marriage.

What we're going to talk.

About has application not just to marriage, but to every

single relationship in your life. Now what I want to

do today is first identify the six keys to unlocking

the marriage matrix. And this is kind of a index

to where we're going in the days ahead that we'll

be looking at in more detail. And you're going to

hear some amazing stories that are an example of these keys.

And then number two, I want you to do a

little self-identification, self-evaluation. You know, in physical health, it's good

to get an annual physical checkup. And in your finances,

it's good to do an annual review of your finances.

And in a job, it's good to get an annual

performance review. And even in government, we get an annual

state of the union message. Well, this morning, I want

us to look at the state of your union, your marriage.

And I want you to do a little marriage checkup.

And on each of these keys, I want you to

honestly evaluate yourself.

How am I doing? Does this need work? You write

an NW next to the point. Is this okay? You

write an okay.

Now, God's ideal for your marriage is is harmony and

unity and intimacy. But that's the ideal, and most of

us don't stay there. We go from the ideal, and

pretty soon marriage is an ordeal, and eventually we're looking

for a new deal. And let's make a deal. But

that's not God's goal. God's goal is that you have

these six keys that unlock the potential of your marriage

for it to become all God wants it to be.

Pastor Lance is going to give us the first key.

The first key that we're going to look at in

the marriage matrix is the key of communication.

Communication. Now that's a given.

All of us know that communication is important in every relationship,

but we also know that it's a big problem. Proverbs 13,

17 says, reliable communication permits progress. If you want to

make progress in your relationship, you have to learn how

to talk to each other.

We know from studies that have.

Been done, 85% of all marriage problems include some kind

of communication breakdown. And you know it in your relationship, I.

Know it in mine. Reminds me of the guy I

saw the other day.

Wearing the t-shirt that said, if a man speaks in

the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him,

is he still wrong? Communication is hard. It's exasperated by

the fact that in our culture, The average person watches

46 hours a week of television, but the average couple

spends four minutes a day in conversation. It's a problem.

And one of the things that we have to work

on if we're going to really have a successful marriage

is this whole issue of communication. We have to learn

how to put into practice good communication skills. Look at

that verse in Ephesians 4.29. Let no corrupt communication proceed

out of your mouth, but only that which is good

and edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearers.

That's a command to all Christians, but it certainly applies

to our marriages as well.

And we have to learn.

The skill of good communication. And you've seen couples, and

I've seen them, who before they ever get married, they

talk to each other all the time.

They spend hours on the phone.

They spend lots of effort in communication skills. But as

the years go by... They talk less and less until

you see them sitting in the restaurant eating their meals

in complete silence without any meaningful conversation. I remember several

years ago when my wife and I were struggling through

this whole issue of having meaningful conversation. It seems like

all of our talk had just been reduced to who's

picking up the kids and when's our next meeting at

the church. And so to try to help that, I

read a marriage magazine and a guy actually listed several

good starter discussion questions that would lead to meaningful conversation.

So I actually cut them out and would carry them

with me occasionally when my wife and I would go

out as a way to start enhancing our conversation. But

the point is, you've got to work at it. Because

we all have different styles, we all have different needs

when it comes to communication. I communicate in facts, my

wife communicates in emotions. I communicate in sound bites, she

communicates in megabytes. We have different communication styles and different needs.

Someone has said that the average man speaks about 20,000

words a day, the average woman 30,000 a day, and

one woman told me that the reason that's so is

because she has to repeat everything so her husband will

hear her. But you need to set aside time.

Ideally, every day.

At least several times a week, where you just debrief,

where you talk about what's going on in your world,

where you keep the relational connection. And that begins with honest,

authentic conversation when you do that. Now let me give

you one word of warning. speak honestly and communicate the

best you know how. Because one of the things that

causes problems in our relationships is when we begin to

speak in riddles or send hidden messages. Occasionally someone will say,

a woman will say perhaps to her husband, I shouldn't

have to tell you, you should be able to know

this by now. Well, ladies, can I just tell you,

we cannot read your mind. You say, well, you guys

can't be that dumb. Let me assure you, we are.

We don't get it. Spell it out for us.

Speak slow.

You know, write it down. We just don't get it quickly.

Look at Matthew 537. Just say yes and no. When

you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong.

All right, now take just a moment right there beneath

point number one and just either write NW, here's an

area that needs some work, or you know what? I

feel like we're pretty much on track with that. And

go ahead and rate yourself right now as Pastor Rick

comes to share the next key.

If the first key of unlocking the marriage matrix is communication,

the second key is consideration. You must be considerate of

your husband or your wife. First Corinthians 1.10 says, you

must learn to be considerate of one another, cultivating a

life in common. Now consideration means not thinking only of yourself.

You start thinking of we instead of me. It means

paying attention to what your spouse says. It means showing

common courtesy. It means respecting and treating them with respect

and with care. Now husbands, we especially need to work

on this consideration. But all of us need to work

on it together. And one of the primary purposes of

marriage is to teach you how to be considerate. Notice

it says there, you must learn to be considerate. Circle

the word learn. Do you know why you must learn

to be considerate? Because you are not by nature a

considerate person, and neither am I. By nature, we are selfish.

I think about my needs, my hurts, my wants, my interests.

I'm not thinking about you. I'm thinking about me. And

one of the whole purposes of marriage is to teach

us to think we, not me. to teach us to

be considerate, because Jesus is considerate. You see, God's purpose

in your marriage is not to make you happy. That's

a benefit of it, but it's not the purpose of marriage.

The purpose of marriage is not to make you happy,

but to make you holy. Because when you get in

a marriage, you don't get your way all the time anymore.

Anybody want to agree with that?

Yeah, you have to learn to be considerate. And so

marriage is a school of consideration. Learning to be unselfish.

And you'll learn it there more than any other place.

Now husbands, as I said, we especially have to work

on this. 1 Peter 3, 7 says, husbands, show consideration

for your wives in your life together so that nothing

may hinder your prayers. Did you know, men, that when

you are inconsiderate to your wife, God doesn't hear your prayers?

If you're out bossing the family around and being selfish

and being controlling and being manipulative or harsh, And inconsiderate,

God says, I'm not going to listen to the prayers

of a selfish man. God, I need your help in

this business deal. Well, you're too selfish. Anytime, one of

the primary goals of life is to teach us to

be unselfish. And the primary school is marriage. And God says,

I want you to learn to be considerate. Now, the

problem is, the longer you stay together, the more inconsiderate

you tend to become. You were most considerate when you

were dating.

Oh, after you. No, no, after you.

And you're very polite and you're very considerate in the

dating stage and then later it's get it yourself. I

read the other day the five stages of a marriage cold.

In the first year of marriage, baby darling, I'm worried

about that sniffle you have. So I've called the paramedics

to rush you to UCLA hospital for a checkup and

a week of rest. Now, I know you don't like

hospital food, so I'm having gourmet meals brought in. But

by the second year, it's, sweetheart, I don't like the

sound of that cough. I've arranged for Dr. Knox to

make a house call.

Let me tuck you in bed.

Year three, it's deteriorated to, you look like you've got

a fever, so why don't you drive yourself over to

the MediStop and get some medicine? I'll watch the kids.

Fourth year, look, be sensible. After you've fed and bathed

the kids and washed the dishes, you really ought to

go to bed. Fifth year, for Pete's sake, do you

have to cough so loud?

I can't hear the TV.

Would you mind going to the other room while this

show's on? You sound like a barking dog. Two young

lovers walked down the street. She tripped and he worried.

Be careful, sweet.

Now married, they walk down the exact same street. But

when she trips, he says, pick up your feet. How

do you show sympathy? How do you show compassion? How

do you show consideration? Well, the next three verses give

us three practical ways. Number one, you might write these down,

by being helpful. Offering practical help. Consideration is seeing what

your mate needs in advance and not having to wait

for them to ask you for help. It's being considered.

Can I help you? It's you taking the initiative. Ephesians

4 says, show your love by being helpful to each other.

That's consideration. Just being practical and helping each other without

your mate having to ask you. Now that means bringing

in the groceries even if it's the fourth quarter. It

means waiting until both of her legs are in the

car before you shut the door. You know, it's common consideration.

Just thinking about what would be helpful. Number two, sympathize

with their doubts and fears. Sympathize with their doubts and fears.

The Bible says in Romans 15, we must be considerate

of the doubts and fears of others. If we do

what helps them, we will build them up in the Lord. Now,

have you noticed that my fears are always logical and rational?

Your fears are stupid.

They're dumb. They're illogical.

What I'm afraid of, what I have doubts about is

very reasonable. But what you're afraid of, well, you shouldn't

be afraid of it. And that causes a lot of problems.

You're being inconsiderate of the fears and doubts of others.

Don't poo-poo their fears. You know, I grew up in

a home in the country where we never, ever locked

any door. Even when we went away, we never locked

the house. I lived in a house where in my

bedroom actually had an outside door. I often left the

door open all night just to get a breeze. We

didn't have air conditioning and I didn't even have a

screen on it.

And so I.

Wasn't used to a safety feature. My wife, on the

other hand, was raised in a home where the moment

the sun goes down, you pull up the drawbridge.

You fill the moat. You release the alligators.

You turn on 500,000 watts of light shining on your driveway.

You shutter all the windows, and you triple lock the doors,

and then you're safe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

And so we've had this battle over and over about,

did you lock all the doors? Well, I don't think

about locking the doors. It's not in my character. And

usually I get.

In bed, and then she reminds me, did you lock

all the doors? I'm going, oh. Now, true confession, sometimes

I'm considerate. Sometimes I'm going, oh, I.

Don't have a good attitude about it. But God wants

to teach me to be considerate. And he wants to

teach you too. Third way is by forgiving their mistakes.

Forgiving their mistakes. Now, you're imperfect. And you married an

imperfect person. And it's impossible for two imperfect people to

have a perfect marriage. There's no such thing as a

perfect relationship. Because sinners marry sinners. We've all blown it.

And so marriages need massive, massive doses of forgiveness. And

the Bible says in Colossians 3.13... You must make allowances

for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you.

Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Forgiveness is one of the primary building blocks of marriage,

and it's a way of showing consideration. Now, the Bible

tells us in James 3 that being considerate is a

mark of wisdom, which means when I'm inconsiderate, I'm a fool.

I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I'm foolish.

Anytime I'm inconsiderate, not just to my wife, but to anybody,

to clerks or anybody else, I.

Am being unwise.

Wisdom is shown by being considerate of the needs of

other people, including offering forgiveness. Now I want you to

evaluate yourself on this one. I want you to put

an NW next to it, means needs work, or put

an okay if you're in denial.

And a liar. Oh, let me introduce CJ and Linda.

Would you give them a warm welcome?

When CJ and I got married, I was 18. I

was the happiest bride that there ever was. But as

the years passed, our lives got busier and we slowly

grew apart. CJ's job took more and more time, and

I began to feel alone and depressed. I felt unloved.

My life became a dark place filled with anger, confusion, self-doubt,

and distrust. Alcohol was more and more a part of

CJ's life, and anger was more and more a part

of mine. The arguments became more frequent, the pain grew greater,

the words harsher, the silences longer, the shouting louder, and

the desperation deeper. I had ignored all the signs, but

I finally faced the truth. There was another woman in

my husband's life. That was devastating to me. I felt,

why has this happened to my perfect marriage?

I was ill-equipped for marriage and parenting. I was inconsiderate

of the needs of my family and I always put

other priorities before them. Drinking became my number one priority

and soon That led to breaking my marriage vows with

unfaithfulness to Linda. My heart hardened, and I became a

full-blown alcoholic, living in lies and denial. At about this time,

two things happened. First, Linda and I began to visit

a church called Saddleback. Second, two of our grown children

confronted us about our deteriorating marriage. They said, it feels

like you don't have a relationship anymore, and we're worried

about that. They also confronted me about my drinking. I

made a commitment to them, and on Friday evening, February 29, 1996,

I drove onto this Church campus and made the longest

walk of my life across a parking lot to settle back,

celebrate recovery meeting. That was the beginning of the restoration

of our dead marriage.

Over the next few months, CJ's joy began to be

noticeable to me. Each time he went to celebrate recovery,

he came home with a greater joy. So I decided

that maybe I should join him. Of course, one of

the recovery steps involves forgiveness, but I never imagined how

much I would have to forgive CJ. One day I

picked up a journal and my eyes fell on words

that I could not have imagined. It was CJ's confession

and his moral inventory. I knew that I shouldn't read it.

I knew that at the right time and in the

right way, CJ would share it with me, but I

violated my own conscience and I read on anyway. My

eyes filled with tears and my heart pounded as I

read all of C.J.

's dark secrets.

It was all there, some things I knew and some

things I didn't. I was filled with anger and hurt

and resentment.

First, of course I was angry too. What right did

she have to read my secret life? It made me angry,

but I was also very scared. I figured that as

fragile as our relationship was at that time, this would

crush all hope. So I called my sponsor and my

small group partners and got the love and the support

and the wisdom that I needed to handle this crisis.

There were many prayers for our marriage to be saved

with a miracle of forgiveness. Instead of a breakup of

our marriage, God used that crisis to create a breakthrough

of forgiveness.

That was seven years ago, and we don't have time

to tell you now, but so much has happened for

good in our marriage in those years. Both CJ and

I now serve as leaders in Celebrate Recovery, helping others

work through their marriage and relationship hurts. God has been

so good to us, and we are proof that Jesus

Christ can resurrect a dead marriage. It has now been

over seven years since CJ has had a drink, and

we are very blessed. We are more in love today

than ever before. This year we celebrated our 51st wedding

anniversary together. And truly that is God's miracle.

Amen. In closing, we'd like to say that if your

marriage or any other relationship has been damaged by anger, resentment, unfaithfulness,

or any other sin, there is hope and forgiveness in

Jesus Christ. He can make everything new if you will

be honest and give Him all the pieces.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The third key to unlock the marriage matrix is the

key of compromise.

Compromise.

Now, if you've been married longer than a day, you

know that every single marriage has conflict. And that there

are just some things that you're never going to see

eye to eye about. You're not going to agree on everything.

As Pastor Rick has often said, when you have two

people who agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.

And the reason that God has given you a spouse

is so that you would look through a different set

of lenses. And sometimes it's because of our background. Sometimes

it's because of just our personality and how God has

wired us. Sometimes it's about our own worldview that we

just have a spouse who brings a different perspective to

how we should see life. And as you begin marriage,

you know that there are thousands of things that over

the years you learn to compromise on. to meet in

the middle, to be flexible, to be willing to give

up and yield your own rights. Now, just yesterday morning,

we had an issue about compromise in our own family.

Now, my daughter.

Is 17, and prom is coming up in just a

few days, so over the last couple of weeks, we

have been in prom crisis. And the crisis involves finding

a dress. And so virtually every day, my wife and

my daughter would start out somewhere to go anywhere in

Southern California to find the perfect dress that's the perfect style,

the perfect size, the perfect color. And so finally yesterday

morning after many unsuccessful trips, my wife came to me

and she said, all right, we're coming back with a dress,

how much can we spend?

I said 50 bucks. What?

She had the same reaction you did.

And she said, seriously. And so I upped the ante.

I gave her a much higher figure. It still wasn't enough.

She said, let me tell you what we're going to spend.

And I said, okay, yes, dear. And so I compromised

and did what she wanted. And so now you know

everything I know about compromise. It's just learning to give

in earlier. And after 25 years, I'm a beaten man.

But on big things and small things, if you don't

learn to compromise, it will lead to destruction. Look at

that verse in Mark chapter 3. A home divided against

Mark 3 · chapter mention

itself is doomed. If your marriage is going to be successful,

you have to learn conflict resolution. How to negotiate. And

most of us didn't learn that in the models that

we watched in our own families or people around us.

And we certainly didn't learn it in our schooling. And

so we often learn it the hard way. But virtually

all of those conflicts can be traced back to one issue.

And it's the issue of selfishness. In fact, the Lord

said this. Look in Proverbs 18.1. People who do not

get along with others are only interested in themselves. In fact,

when you go to the New Testament, we discover that

when Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter,

he basically says that the mark of real love is compromise.

Look at verse 5 of 1 Corinthians 13. Love does

not demand its own way. And time and time again

in every relationship, you have to yield your rights to

having to have your own way and rather deferring to

your spouse and meeting their needs and being willing to

meet in the middle and be flexible and compromise. And

that comes in a thousand different forms in every relationship.

I'll give you one example from our marriage. We have

to compromise about how we like to vacation. My wife's

idea of a great vacation is getting a room right

on the beach with doors that open to the water,

being able to sleep in and relax all day and

perhaps pick up a book and read a book throughout

the day.

My idea of.

Vacation is getting up early in the morning, going exploring,

seeing all the sights, getting out there. But I've learned

through the years it is not a good idea on

the first day of vacation at 630 in the morning

to tap my wife on the shoulder and say, let's

go explore. She's not interested, so here's how we've compromised.

She sleeps in, I get up, I get dressed, I

go out, I explore, I find a Starbucks, I bring

coffee back to the room, serve it to her in bed.

We're both happy. We've learned to compromise. You're gonna learn

to compromise about how you raise your kids, where you

spend your holidays, how much time you spend with the in-laws,

how your house is decorated. You're gonna learn to compromise

on lots of different issues, even the issue of making love.

in your marriage. You know, some of you are wired

like a microwave, some of you are wired like a

crock pot, and you have to learn how to compromise

in terms of how you do it, and then even

when you make love. Again, I'm a morning person, so

early in the morning, I'm wide awake, I'm ready. But again,

25 years of marriage has taught me if I reach

over and try to touch my wife, I'm dead.

And so....

I'm good, but she's a late night person. She'd rather

sleep in, but late at night, she's great. And so

what we've discovered, what works for us as a compromise

is that four in the morning is the perfect time. See,

I just think it's real early in the morning. She

just thinks it's really late at night. So it's all

about learning to compromise. And it's really, at the end

of the day, it's about learning to be unselfish and maturing.

Look at that last verse in Romans 15, 5. May

God develop maturity in you so that you get along

with each other as well as Jesus gets along with

us all. All right, so rate yourself. How you doing?

Are you flexible? Do you compromise pretty well? Now, put

into practice what Pastor Rick taught us in the last thing.

Be considerate.

If your spouse put okay and you know they need work.

On it, don't say, ha!

Just make that a point of discussion later. But take

a moment and rate yourself. Pastor Rick's going to come

and share the next key.

The fourth key to unlocking the marriage matrix is contact.

It takes communication, consideration, compromise, and contact. I'm talking about

physical touch, physical contact, affection. You can call it cuddling, caressing,

or whatever. Would you write this down? You must touch

to keep in touch.

What a special message from Pastor Rick. And now let's

hear how lives are changing through Daily Hope. Here's Rick

with a letter from one of our listeners.

You know, we get letters and emails from people all

around the world and from all ages. And here's one

that I got from a listener in Indonesia. His name

is Steven and he's 12 years old. He wrote, Dear

Pastor Rick, Thank you for the powerful way that you've

impacted my life. I'm just a 12-year-old schoolboy in Jakarta, Indonesia,

but I listen to the broadcast every morning on the

way to school. My life has changed completely this year.

I'm at a new school, and my family's just about

recovered from some financial problems, but I'm still having to

learn a whole new way of life. Some days I

really feel bad, and I ask God to help me.

But then the Daily Hope broadcast comes on the radio

and you always say something that helps me feel better.

And I know that at that moment, God is trying

to speak directly to me through you. So thank you

ever so much.

Well, thank you ever so much, Stephen.

I love hearing from people like you literally all around

the world who've been impacted through Daily Hope. You know,

by the way, I want to thank all of those

of you who support us regularly through with your financial

gifts every month. We can't do this without you. But

because of you, we're able to minister to people like

this 12-year-old boy, Stephen, in Jakarta, Indonesia. You're never gonna

know this side of heaven, the number of lives that

you have impacted because of your gifts to Daily Hope.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

When we get to heaven, we're all gonna rejoice and

see the results there.

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Join us next time as we look into God's Word

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