How Far Is Too Far? (Answering Your Relationship Questions) | Brad & Paige Straarup

I'm excited about today because what we're doing is we are answering your most asked relationship questions.

We're doing hot topics, we're going deep, it's gonna be awesome.

And we've been in a series called It's Complicated.

Has this been fun?

Has this series been fun for y'all?

It's our love sex and marriage series.

And what we've been learning throughout the series is that when you do relationship the world's way, it's complicated.

But whenever you do it God's way, it's uncomplicated.

That doesn't mean it's easy, but it does become incredibly clear.

And what has happened over the last six weeks is we have told you guys that, and y'all have been submitting question after question after question, where you're basically saying, hey, here are some of the areas that it's still a little complicated for me.

So what we want to do today is we're just taking some time and we're gonna be answering your most asked questions.

And our goal is to uncomplicate some stuff.

Yep.

And some of the questions were kind of fun, like just reading through them.

We had a good a good time.

Someone uh submitted and they said, Where's my wifey?

And uh, Burr, I don't know, she's probably on the dream team.

You should go through Growth Track and join the dream team.

That's where she is.

Dream team, where are you at?

And they were all anonymous.

I'm just I just feel it.

I wanted to start matchmaking, but their questions were anonymous, so I couldn't even help but being helpful.

She's probably in this room, probably on the dream team.

Another one is this Will Spurit ever have a speed dating event?

And uh seems like I don't know.

Do you all want a speed dating event?

Like maybe we need to go bowling or we need to like do do some.

I got some yeses and I got some of these.

Sounds great.

But no, for real, okay.

Serious, serious question.

I think one that was offed a ton.

Uh, and I think it's helpful because it sets the foundation for what we're gonna talk about.

Is how did you guys meet?

You know, did you come to South Africa?

You saw me on an elephant, you're like, that's my Tarzan.

Totally.

Tell them that's how it happened.

Exactly.

You saw me riding an elephant.

What happened?

Totally.

How did we meet?

No, no, we met in church.

We actually met serving in church together.

So Brad was living in South Africa and came over to America to do a church internship at the church that I was serving at.

So that's it.

Serve the house.

Find your spouse.

Hey.

That's what I like to say.

And we're done here.

That's all we've got to say.

So, no, we were serving together, and we actually, it was not love at first sight at all.

We neither of us were interested in the other person, like at all.

And um, but we came, we became friends, and um, and we we actually were able to become close friends because we were so specific on like checking in on one another, you know, when you're single and you're just like, we would be like, hey, just want to make sure we're still good.

We're we're still just friends, right?

Like, you're good, we're good, and we'd be like, Yeah, we're there's nothing happening here.

And so we were able to actually become super close because we were safe.

It was like there was no like romance um happening there.

And so the reason why obviously uh the story changed, and eventually it was kind of like I got it.

We maybe we should try this dating thing, because like it would be so weird if we're like best friends and we're like dating other people.

I actually said to you, I know you remember this.

You started back, you started backing away when there was like potentially another girl, and I was like, What are you doing?

And you said this line that like traumatized me.

You said our relationship is terminal.

Yeah, I was like, What does that mean?

And she says, Let me make it clear for you either we're getting married or we're gonna marry other people and never be friends again.

And I was like, that's just not an option.

So I was like, should we date?

And she was like, I think that's kind of up to you, big boy.

And I was like, oh, okay.

Let me do that.

So yeah, super not romantic.

But the reason why I share it is actually is because we unintentionally built our relationship the right way.

And we had a lot of questions related to how do I approach dating?

And so this is how week one, Brad actually talked about it, and he showed us this pyramid of relationships, and I think we actually have a picture of it.

So if you're single, this gives you a building order.

So start spiritual, do they have a relationship with Jesus?

And then get in community together that's social and then interpersonal, discover you know, more about them.

That's the personal stuff, how they think, what you have in common, and then you start dating and it gets a little bit more emotional.

And then before we get to the winky face, we we we pause there if we're dating because the winky face is off limits.

So we say the spicy stuff from marriage.

Thousand percent.

But if you are married, this actually gives us a strengthening order.

Like we we I would encourage you to check your foundation.

Is your foundation built on Jesus?

Is he the center of your relationship?

And then are you still dating?

Are you still getting to know one another?

For us, I'm so grateful that our friendship was the foundation before it was romantic because he's still my best friend.

So I think sometimes you're in a marriage for a long time and you forget that you can actually go back to that spiritual component and continue to build on the relationship that is Jesus Christ.

And that's why we always say you all need to keep dating more than anything.

People are continually to change.

So you want to make sure that you're doing that.

So here's what we're gonna do is that kind of sets the foundation.

But today we're gonna be talking to singles, we're gonna be talking dating, we're gonna be talking marriage.

My encouragement for you is this don't switch off.

If we're talking to singles, if you're married, you have friends that are single, and you have people that you can help in their season.

So you want to not be a selfish listener.

Don't just listen for yourself, but listen to teach, listen to help other people out.

But first, we're coming to the singles, and here's the principle if you're taking notes, singles, I want you to write this down.

Is that singleness isn't a waiting room, it is a working room.

Singleness is not a waiting room, it is a working room.

And we have a lot of questions around preparation.

How do I effectively prepare for marriage?

How do I use the singleness season?

How do I wait effectively?

How do we do that?

Tell them.

Yeah, I mean, you have to use the season to work on you if you're single.

That's really the only thing you can control.

And Brad, you talked about it in the series.

And I think people can often say, I'm looking for someone who's a Christian, someone who has the fruit of the spirit that I'm attracted to physically, emotionally, spiritually.

And that's so great that you know what you want.

But the question is, are you who the person that you're looking for is also looking for?

And so I think we can be like, Oh, I want someone who's kind, but it's like, are you kind?

I want someone who's so responsible.

And are you being responsible even financially?

We will want someone who's really stable or doesn't have debt.

But what are you doing to steward your finances in this season?

And of course, we all want someone who's emotionally, spiritually, and physically attractive, right?

This attractive thing is something we look for in dating relationships.

But are you making yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually attractive?

And I remember in my single season, um, I actually felt a conviction to study um Proverbs 31.

So it's kind of this infamous verse in the or chapter in the Bible as women that sets almost what seems like this unrealistic standard of being a woman.

But I thought, let me just take time to just really understand what the Bible calls me to.

And I think it's helpful even for men setting a standard for what to look for as a wife.

So just a few things we can even take from that is physically being physically attractive.

Proverbs 31:17 says she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

Proverbs 31:17

I want that.

So she bicep curls around here, right?

Proverbs 31, 22.

Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

So she takes care of her body and she doesn't apologize about presenting herself well.

And then there's being emotionally attractive, and that's Proverbs 31.25 says, Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.

And I don't know about you, but I'm not always laughing at the future.

Sometimes fear grips me.

But this is about a woman who's done the work so that the fear doesn't run her life.

And then Proverbs 31, 11, the heart of her husband trusts her.

So that means she's emotionally safe to be around and to support him.

So in the last one, spiritually, Proverbs 31:30, charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

And so be ready to attract the person that you're looking for.

Girl, you're my Proverbs 31 girl, straight up.

I was trying to get points up here.

I'm like, while I'm up here, I might as well.

I think it's so helpful though.

Uh, if you're single, are you who the person you're looking for is looking for?

So if you're single, use the season to get on fire for God.

Run off to him with everything, serve, go on mission, help reach people for Christ.

I remember for us, that's what we were doing.

I was running off to God with everything inside of me.

Paige was running off to God with everything inside of her.

And what we started noticing is eventually we were just running alongside each other, and we were like, should we run off to Jesus together?

And we were like, yes.

So now we have been running together ever since, and it's been such a blessing.

But use the season effectively.

Uh, there was another question kind of in that same vein about the category as kind of being patient versus being passive.

And the question was this how do you know when you're being patient for the right relationship versus being too passive and expecting someone to appear?

It's like magic.

Just like they're gonna come, like I'm in my house, and someone shows up in your house, which that is an intruder.

That's not what you want.

Why would we want that?

No, but I do.

I think a lot of people, a lot of single people are feeling that way, and even Christian culture can be like, God's just gonna place them in your life.

And but I think both require waiting, but patience is a waiting that moves.

There's still activity and energy behind it, and being passive is this is is a waiting that's stagnant.

It's just like I'm just gonna wait and sit.

And so I think one does something and the other one does nothing and is expecting just like a miracle.

Like God's gonna place someone in your house, and that would be an intruder totally.

But I love the story of Ruth actually, because I think she positions herself to be found.

And just quick context on the book of Ruth, if you've never read it, is Ruth's this young widow, her husband died, so it's her and actually her mother-in-law, Naomi.

So two widows, no income, no man, no stability, no safety net.

She's not even an Israelite.

This isn't the Old Testament, she's a Moabite, so it means she's a foreigner in her land.

And so back then they actually allowed the poor to follow behind the harvesters of the grain, and they would um pick up whatever was dropped, and it was called gleany.

And so it's how you survived.

And so Boaz, enter Boaz, spoiler alert, her him and Ruth get together.

So Boaz is this wealthy landowner, and he happens to also be related to Naomi's late husband, which in in the Old Testament time just means he's one of the few people actually qualified to help redeem this situation.

But so we watch this girl that with nothing does something, and she says, in Ruth 2-2, she says, Let me go to the fields and pick up the leftover grain.

So she gets off the couch and she does something.

She just lost her husband.

And then Ruth 2.3, it says, as it turned out, she was working in the field belonging to Boaz.

So I just think this is such a picture of she wasn't hungry chasing after a man, but she was positioning herself.

So as it turned out, it's like that's where God's providence found her in her motion.

And then when Boaz finally speaks to her, it's really cool because listen to what drew him to her in Ruth 2.11.

He says, I've been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law.

She was taking care of her.

And so it wasn't her looks, it was her reputation that went before her, and her character got there before she did.

So some of us I think we're hiding in the house or on the in the wrong places on the dating apps, and you're never gonna find the right person in the wrong place.

You're not gonna find them in the club, at the bars, like in the apps that are all.

I mean, maybe, maybe you will, but I I don't think that's likely.

So look for the right person in the right place.

You're in the right place at church, and that's why we joke, but maybe we should do this whole single singles mixer thing because that's the right place.

Find it through a friend, find someone through community, because maybe that means you even need to join a group or start a group to just build that community that you're looking for.

Um, I was never waiting around for Brad.

I was serving at the church, I was in a group, I was leading a group of high school girls actually, and that's actually how we got connected.

And so, if I hadn't been serving a church, honestly, we would have never met.

And so I'm grateful for that.

So put yourself out there, put yourself in a position and be patient.

So it's good.

Okay, Brad, the next question is gonna be for you.

So, what qualities should I look for?

Whether I'm single and young and single, single again, single with kids.

So, is physical attraction important?

Can it grow?

And what preferences are keeping me single?

Okay, so physical attraction is important, but it isn't everything.

All the married people say amen.

Amen.

Okay, they know that.

Proverbs 31:30 says this charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting.

Proverbs 31:30

Okay, what does that mean?

It means at some point gravity wins.

If y'all didn't know what that means, that's what that means.

At some point, gravity is gonna win for all of us.

But it says this a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

And we joked about this, but Paige and I, we were like, we weren't exactly each other's type.

And I think for some of you, the reason you're so stuck is because you're stuck on all these physical characteristics.

They need to be six foot four, and you know, they need to have blue eyes, and they need to have this color hair.

Here's the challenge is that you've seen people that are short and good looking.

Yeah.

You've seen people tall and good looking.

You've seen people with brown eyes and good looking and blue eyes and good looking.

Don't be so overly specific on the physical attributes.

Okay, don't do that.

And my challenge for you is this change your list from what to who.

What does that mean?

Don't be so highly specific on the physical attributes.

Instead, ask what kind of person am I looking for?

Okay, because you can meet someone that's good looking, but when they have a terrible personality, how many of you know that it gets to a point where you're like, you're not good looking anymore?

But you can meet someone that you're like, yeah, you're all right, you know, and then they love Jesus and they're amazing, and you're like, oh my gosh, you're the most attractive person in the world.

A couple of categories I want you to write down.

The first is character.

Do they have good character?

Proverbs 31 is great.

First Timothy 4 verse 12, it says this don't let anyone look down on you because you're young, but set an example, what's this, for believers in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity.

1 Timothy 4:12

How's that for a list?

How do they speak?

How do they act?

How do they love?

Do they have faith?

And are they pure?

Okay, you want to look for character.

Second thing, chemistry, holistic attraction.

I think sometimes we just care about physical attraction, but no, are you also attracted to them emotionally?

Are you attracted to them spiritually?

Are you attracted to them intellectually?

Okay, there needs to be physical attraction.

Please do not go to the wedding altar and you're like, we're not physically attracted at all.

That came for us.

It's not where it started, but it is where it came.

You want to look for chemistry, and the final thing is compatibility, which is being equally yoked.

The Bible talks about this, 2 Corinthians 6 verse 14.

2 Corinthians 6:14

It says, Do not be yoked with an unbeliever.

It says, What fellowship does light have with darkness?

So the question for you is this are they a believer?

And not only that, but are you guys going in the same direction?

When you're yoked, two oxen are yoked, they're going in the same direction.

Some of y'all are like, I'm called to ministry and Africa.

And the other person's like, I want to be in Arizona the rest of my life.

Y'all aren't yoked.

Okay, you're not equally yoked.

If y'all have different directions that you're going in, that's also a bad idea.

So make sure that you do that as well.

No, that's great.

Well, next up, okay, we're moving on to dating.

So, dating everyone, the principle here is that dating is not practicing marriage, it's deciding on marriage.

And so Brad said this in the series that dating is a process to move through, not a status to sit in.

So we got lots of questions around premarital boundaries.

Praise the Lord.

Shocked about that one.

So the first question here is what would you say to a Christian couple who knows that sex before marriage is considered sinful, but feels at peace with their decision because they're deeply committed to one another?

What would you say, Brad?

Uh I would encourage you to go watch last week's message on sex if you haven't watched that.

But I think this question is unique because a lot of times there can be people who are in a relationship and let's say y'all are dating and you slept together and you're like, I'm so repentant, and I feel so much conviction, and you're like, God, I'm sorry, and you put things in place.

I think for most people, um, that might be your experience.

But I think why this question this question is unique is this person is saying that we're sleeping together.

I know it's a sin, but I feel no conviction.

I feel at complete peace, I feel good about it, just because we're committed to each other.

And this doesn't only apply to sexual sin, it applies to all sin.

And here's what I wrote down.

You need to know this that peace is not proof that you're doing things right.

Peace is not proof that you're doing things right, it just may mean that you're justifying sin.

Two two verses for you.

Proverbs 14, 12, it says this there is a way that appears right, but in the end it leads to death.

Jeremiah 17, 9, it says this the heart is deceitful above all things.

So one or two things are happening.

If you feel no conviction for sin and you're like, I have never felt conviction, like we sin, and I I've just always kind of felt good about it, and it's not a big deal, but I'm a Christian.

If you have never felt conviction for sin at all, um, I don't know how to say this other than you're not a Christian.

Because if the Holy Spirit comes inside of you, when you give your life to Jesus, the Holy Spirit comes and he he regenerates your heart.

That means he gives you a new heart.

You have new new desires.

So that means that you may sin, but you still feel conviction.

So that could be the case, or most likely, this person, you used to feel conviction for the thing, but you don't feel conviction anymore because you've been justifying your sin.

Let me just say this: that that is not peace showing up, that is the alarm bells getting quieter.

That's good.

And the Bible actually says that we can sear or burn our conscience, we can quench the Holy Spirit, which means this you no longer feel conviction on the things that you used to feel conviction of.

And that is actually a scary, scary, scary place to be.

And if that's the case, what we have to do more than anything is we have to repent.

I want to give you three verses about this to someone who says, I know that I'm living in sin, I'm continuing in it, I don't intend to stop, and I feel no conviction.

Okay?

So this could be anger, this could be lying, this could be homosexuality, this could be adultery, this could be anything.

Three verses.

The first is 1 John 3, verse 6.

1 John 3:6

It says this no one who lives in him, that's Jesus, keeps on sinning.

No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.

That doesn't say Christians don't sin.

What that says is there is a difference between struggling with sin and settling into sin.

Like you can struggle with sin, we all do, but there's a difference when I'm like I struggle and I repent versus I'm good.

If you're saying I'm good, that verse is saying, no, no, no, you don't even know him then.

John 14, 15, Jesus says, if you love me, keep my commands.

If we love him, that's what we're gonna do.

First Corinthians 6 verse 9 says this, do not be deceived, neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who have sex with men, so homosexual homosexuality will inherit the kingdom of God.

1 Corinthians 6:9

So if you're in this place and you're like, I feel no conviction, my friend, surrender your life to Jesus and make him Lord of your life.

Which means even if you don't understand why the Bible says what it says, you don't have to understand, but you do need to follow.

Does that make sense?

I want to make sure to hit that.

So next question is this uh I love this.

Is sex before marriage equally sinful in every situation, or does love, commitment, and intention matter to God?

This is so fun.

We're having fun up here today.

Um so the Bible calls sex before marriage fornication.

Brad talked about that, and it's wrong in every situation before marriage.

Praise the Lord.

So it doesn't matter how much you love one another, how committed you are, what your intentions are, the Bible is clear, it calls it sin.

And I would say if you're you have this intention, commitment, and love, and that's in fact true, then you'd be pursuing marriage.

And if you're pursuing marriage and that's the case, then we get the fruit of the spirit, which is patience.

And I'd say, wait, get married, and then go have fun.

Practice patience.

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

It's not easy to do.

No, it ain't.

But it is what the Bible says.

So, okay, Brad, is it wrong to fool around before marriage?

Yes, yes, it's wrong.

Thousand percent.

But how far is too far?

This is everyone's favorite question.

What is the line?

How far can we go before?

Can I dance on the line?

Can I stick my toe over the line?

I feel like I'm going back to my youth pastor days with these questions.

It's like, okay, how close can I get to the line?

You know, can my foot go over it?

You know, can we kind of pretend?

Can I dance it?

Okay.

Colossians 3 verse 5 says this.

Colossians 3:5

I think this is a great verse.

It says, put to death whatever belongs to your earthly nature.

And it gives three categories.

It says this sexual immorality, impurity, and lust.

Put those to death, okay?

What is sexual immorality?

Sexual immorality, the root word there is pronea.

It's any sexual activity outside of God's design for marriage.

So let me be clear.

I wrote this down.

Any deliberate touching of a person's sexual areas for sexual stimulation is sexual activity.

Outside of marriage, that is a sin.

Can I get an amen?

That's what it says.

Put to death sexual immorality, but then it has this other word.

Whatever is impure.

So people are like, How far is too far?

No, no, no.

Change that question to this.

Is it pure?

Oh, I'm doing this thing.

Is that too far?

Is it pure?

Because if it's not pure, by definition, it's impure.

And we have to put that to death.

The final one is lust, which is this to desire someone sexually.

So if you're making out and you desire them sexually, the Bible even calls that a sin.

Okay?

So what do you do?

Here we go.

I'm gonna give you the line, that's great.

Is it any kind of sexual activity?

Scripture says no.

Is it pure?

If it's not pure, no.

Can we hold hands?

Sure.

Holding hands can be pure.

Can I kiss them on the cheek?

Sure, you can kiss them on the cheek, that's pure.

Lust.

Does it cause you to desire them sexually?

So I think this is a helpful thought process.

In the Bible, you know that like dating isn't in the Bible.

Like you get brothers and sisters in Christ and then you get married.

Okay, which means if you're not married, you're a brother and sister in Christ.

Okay, so I think very helpful is if you're not married, that means that they're a brother and sister in Christ.

So what would you do with your brother?

How's that on the line?

What would you do for your sister?

I kiss her on the cheek.

Go for it.

Okay.

Anything else, do not do it.

I love that picture that you just made from her.

We're just gonna go ahead and move on to the y'all asked for it.

You did ask for this.

Write that down.

So on that note, we're gonna go ahead and just move on to marriage.

I think it's time for us to get married and stop talking about the boundaries.

Married people, where you at?

So, yes, married people, where are we at?

Okay, so the next couple of questions are from our married people.

And there's a principle that I want you to write down here.

It's follow Jesus together and outserve each other along the way.

So that's from Romans 12, 10.

Paul says, outdo one another in showing honor.

So I think that's a principle that you live by.

You're gonna have a great marriage.

So Brad, I'm gonna start easy with you.

What's your best piece of marriage advice?

Best piece of marriage advice?

Probably uh be quick to apologize.

Be quick to apologize.

Say sorry first.

Ephesians 4, verse 26, it says this don't let the sun go down on your anger.

Ephesians 4:26

And that is something that Paige and I have practiced pretty literally.

I've never slept on the couch, thank God.

You've never slept on the couch, thank God.

But we make sure that before we ever go to bed, that we always have conversations and we resolve whatever it is that needs to be resolved.

And I think sometimes that doesn't happen because one person isn't willing to be humble.

Say sorry first.

They started it.

You finished it, you finish it.

You say sorry first, you say sorry first.

Don't let the sun go down on your anger.

So I would say be quick to apologize and say sorry first.

You're preaching to me right now.

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord.

I'm just gonna look just gonna look down here.

That's my opinion.

What's your best piece of marriage advice?

Have sex often.

No, I'm just kidding.

That's not actually it.

But it is very helpful if you're married.

It's that one was for free.

Lord, help me, Jesus.

No.

Help me, Jesus.

Help me, Jesus.

No, one of my favorite phrases that's actually become that took him out.

He's not gonna recover from it.

See distraction.

No, one of my favorite phrases that we someone told us that we say often in our home is to catch the little foxes.

And that's from Song of Solomon 215.

So catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, the vineyards that are in bloom.

Basically, it's just saying it's not always this big thing.

It's it's gonna be the little things.

So we'll say, like, we're gonna catch the little fox and we'll even start conversations around that.

And so it just means don't let the little things build up because that's what becomes big big things.

How many times do you get an argument with your spouse?

And then weeks later you're like, oh yeah, we were fighting about uh the other day about what were we even fighting about?

It's like you can remember, like, oh, that day we were fighting, but you can't even remember what it was about.

It's like it's probably it was a little thing that became a big thing.

So um, speaking of sex, we did have a lot of highly specific questions around this area, even in marriage, even the married people want to know more about sex.

I love it.

So, what sexual activities are allowed within marriage?

This one's for you.

I'm giving you the hard ones.

Y'all, y'all, y'all were so specific in your question.

This is very general.

Y'all asked about everything, okay?

And here's what I'm gonna do.

This is a mixed audience, so I know that not everyone here is married, so I'm gonna kind of talk principle-based, and then if you need more, email me.

Um, but I'm I'm just we're just gonna kind of live at the print, but but we are gonna talk about it.

Here's why.

The world is so loud on these issues, and the church can be so silent.

And the challenge is when the world is loud and the church is silent, formation is only happening from one side and it's not on the Jesus side.

So, what I know about life is whatever the church avoids, the devil invades.

And I think sometimes pastors are so reluctant to talk about these kinds of things, and then what happens is people go to the world for their answers and they go to depraved places.

So, we are gonna talk about this, and I'm gonna give you a framework that Paul gives that I think is so helpful.

In the book of Corinthians, he's answering questions about sexual immorality, fornication, homosexual behavior.

A man is sleeping with his stepmother in the book, and he talks about that.

It's a depraved place.

But here's what he says, and I think this is helpful.

First Corinthians 6 verse 12, he says, You say all things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful.

1 Corinthians 6:12

You say, All things are lawful for me, but I will not be dominated.

Another word here is enslaved.

I will not be enslaved by anything.

And from that scripture, there are three words there lawful, helpful, and enslaved, that I actually think answers this question.

So here's some questions.

Whenever you're like, okay, can we do this certain sexual activity in the bedroom?

Uh, a couple of questions.

The first one is, is it lawful?

Is it lawful?

Okay, is it allowed?

Does it violate the laws of the Bible or does it violate the nation's laws?

Okay, if it does, probably shouldn't be doing it.

Okay, is it lawful?

The second question is, is it helpful?

What is the purpose of sex?

It is union, oneness, children, pleasure.

It's a picture of covenant.

Does it pull you together or does that activity push you guys apart?

If the activity degrades, humiliates, violates conscience, causes pain or harm, it is not beneficial.

Okay?

And it is not helpful.

Final thing is, is it enslaving?

In other words, can it become addictive, obsessive, out of control?

If that's the case, don't do it.

So let me help you apply some of this, because these are some of the questions.

Um, can we look at porn together?

No.

It's not lawful.

The Bible forbids it.

You're lusting after someone that isn't your wife.

It also isn't helpful because it doesn't cause oneness and it's enslaving.

So it's like three for three, you're out.

Okay, you out.

Okay?

Another one.

They're not in the mood.

Can I do stuff by myself that isn't porn?

Okay?

No.

Here's why.

If you're doing stuff by yourself, most of the time you're not thinking about your wife, which means you're lusting after someone else.

And if someone is like, no, no, no, but I'm thinking about my wife, well, at that point you need to know this that that activity, it doesn't cause oneness.

It is literally a separate activity.

And the goal of sex is to cause oneness.

I would advise strongly against that.

Uh how do I, this is those questions so helpful.

How do I not feel rejected if my husband doesn't want to have sex but would rather do it himself?

I think this is a good question because I think so often we think it's only females that don't want to have sex.

In this example, it's a husband that doesn't want to have sex.

And let me just say this: that the reason you feel rejected is because that is rejection.

And that is because in this example, your husband is living in sin.

Okay?

1 Corinthians 7, verse 3, it says this the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:3

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to the husband.

In the same way, the husband doesn't have authority over his own body, but yields it to his wife.

Do not deprive each other.

In this example, you are depriving your wife, and you should be a good sir and do what the good Lord has called you to do.

Amen.

Amen.

No, die to self, love Jesus, and love your wife and fulfill that marital duty.

If it's like a medical thing or whatever, um, get that, get that solved, praise Jesus.

But you have a responsibility to your wife.

And the final question on this is what sexual activities are appropriate between a husband and a wife?

So this is where I'm just gonna give you some reading.

Can we give you some extracurricular activity?

Because I'm not gonna talk about this stuff right now because it's a mixed audience.

I have never studied their Bible more than.

Song of Solomon.

Song of Solomon, I want you to write this down.

If you're like, can we do this?

Can we do that?

All of the questions, most of the questions you ask, I'm about a soul for you.

Song of Solomon, 2 verse 3, 4 verse 16, 5 verse 1, 5, 2 through 6, 7, 7 through 9, 7.

Song of Solomon 2:3

You're gonna read them down.

Then I'll take notes this fast.

You're like, okay, I'm gonna write this down.

When you read that, if you're like, are they talking?

Yes.

Are they talking about yes, they are?

Okay, what just just go ahead and read that, and that should answer uh all of your questions about what you're allowed to do.

But but generally, if it's one husband, one wife, it doesn't harm, it's not enslaving, it doesn't cause sin, it causes oneness and isn't opposed to the Bible, go for it.

Have fun.

I love it.

Praise the Lord.

Okay, question for you.

Let's move on from that.

Um, what do you do when you've told your spouse that your intimacy needs aren't being met, and then they make the effort once or twice and then stop?

Well, first of all, this has never happened to us ever.

So I don't know why someone would ask this question.

I'm kidding.

I think I think any married couple, you've lived in this, this is such a tension, I think, for most people.

And so I think you just talked about 1 Corinthians 7.

And so out of this foundation of love, the Bible says that we yield our bodies to one another.

So that's the same thing here.

And scripture doesn't give us a prescription for like an amount or a frequency, but you you can you can know you're doing it right when both of you are saying, My desires are being met.

So it's whatever that looks like for you.

And naturally, there's there's gonna be a person with a lower desire.

It could be a lot lower or just a little bit lower.

And so that person with the lower desire is gonna have to come up and serve in a greater way in this area.

And so I think practically, getting practical within marriage, it is like set a frequency, like have conversations about what your expectations are, whether you're about to get married and you're going into marriage.

So that sitting down and being like, what does that look like for you?

What does that look for?

What are your expectations for marriage and what sex will look like in a level of frequency?

And so once that frequency is set, then it becomes a little bit easier to even initiate and not experience rejection, which is so often felt in this part of marriage.

Because you plan, well, you you agreed to it, you pre-decided, like, okay, this is gonna happen at this frequency.

And so then it makes it a little bit easier to initiate it.

And it does the second part is that being spontaneous is not bad.

You can still set a frequency.

We've met with couples who say, yeah, but that just feels so like not fun.

We like predecided, and then it's just a thing.

It's like, okay, well, no one said you can't also be spontaneous, yeah, whether whether you set a frequency of every day, two days, three days, whatever that is.

Um, we always say it only takes one.

It only takes one of us to be in the mood to for it to happen, and that's the way that we feel biblically, it shows like serving one another, and so and also so that you don't experience that rejection.

So, what this doesn't mean is it's not being demanding or uh demeaning, you talked about this, it's not abusing this, but again, it's setting this foundation of love and then being willing to lovingly serve your spouse in that way.

Great.

One more question for you on marriage.

What do you do if you and your spouse aren't sexually compatible?

Oh, this is fun.

So if there's a man and a woman, they are sexually compatible because you just are.

That's how God made us.

So there's always sexual compatibility here.

One of my favorite things that Brad said, and I heard it a lot from you guys too during this series was that if you rub two ugly sticks together long enough, you'll get a fire.

So it doesn't matter about attraction and and also.

Everyone's like, yeah, I do remember that.

Everyone's saying, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it but it but this question, honestly, it depends on what it means by not sexually compatible.

Because I think sometimes you're saying, okay, that my my spouse isn't my type anymore.

And that's where um you spoke about this earlier.

When you get married, you that person becomes your type.

And so my it doesn't matter what my type was before I married Brad.

Now my type is six foot two with brown hair and blue eyes.

Like it doesn't, it doesn't matter what it was before, like he has become my brand, like my type.

That's good.

Uh my brand of beautiful, if you will.

And so um, this is where your choices lead and your feelings follow.

So you chose that person and you're gonna put your feelings in line.

And then maybe you're saying that this desire um or this sexual compatibility is because of two different like frequencies, like we just talked about, and that's where I would say that that is what we just talked about, is have a conversation about it.

And if you're married and your spouse is having that conversation with you, like they're not satisfied, the the frequency of your sex life is not to their satisfaction.

This is what we signed up for is a lifetime of feedback and having these conversations with one another, and it requires that we all change and grow.

So if your spouse is asking for more, I think you have to listen, and it's without judgment and the whole concept of seek first to understand before you're understood.

And so I think we can apply that here.

But okay, Brad, so how do you deal with conflict in marriage?

Even though you've never, we you've never how would you deal with conflict?

If y'all, you'll a lot of people ask about conflict in marriage.

I want you to write down this verse, James 1, verse 19, it says this, my dear brothers and sisters, take note of this.

James 1:19

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

So, quick to listen, what does that mean?

Uh, seek to understand before you seek to be understood.

I think often when you're fighting, all you're trying to do is be understood, and you can end that fight if you become unselfish and you're like, let me fully understand their perspective.

Be quick to listen.

And then once you have fully listened, I don't know if you even know this, like times you may be talking, and I'm like, I think she may be done.

And then I count to three when you're done, and then you keep going.

And I'm like, okay, she hasn't fully, and then when she's done, I'm like, have I heard you correctly?

When she says yes, now I can speak.

And then the next part is this you gotta be slow to speak, okay?

I want you to think before you speak.

Okay?

I want you to think before you speak, and that's an acronym.

I want you to ask yourself, is it true?

A lot of times we'd be saying things that aren't true.

You always, you never, no, that's not true.

Like you sometimes, yeah, but you don't always.

Is it true?

Is it helpful?

Is it said in love?

Ephesians 4 15 says, speak the truth in love.

Is it necessary?

Do you really have to say it?

And then finally, is it kind?

If it's none of those things, just don't just don't say it.

It's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

Yes.

A lot less fights that way, I think.

So okay, this next section we're gonna end on is really for everyone, and we are going even deeper.

I know we've been we've really already gone there, but we're just gonna go even deeper deeper.

We're gonna talk a little bit more about porn lust and addiction again.

And so someone said here, I'm struggling with pornography.

What practical steps can I take to overcome it?

Brad, what would you say?

Yeah, I think sometimes we think that pornography is only an issue for men.

And if you look at statistics, a third of women are the ones that are struggling with pornography as well.

So this is an issue for everyone.

And here's what I want you to do.

Whenever it comes to an addiction like pornography, you have to change your pattern so you can change your pathway.

I'll say it again.

You have to change your pattern so that you can change your pathway, your neurological pathways.

The Bible talks about this.

Romans 12, verse 2.

Romans 12:2

It says, Do not conform to the pattern, say pattern.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, then you'll be able to test and approve what God's will is his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Every single one of us, we have patterns that we follow that create pathways in our minds.

And some of you, you have a pathway to porn, a neurological pathway to porn.

Because every time you've been triggered by something, like uh you're on Instagram and you see something, or you feel alone, or you feel sad, you've gone to porn.

And some people, you have a six-lane highway to porn in your mind.

Like the second I'm triggered, that's exactly where I go.

And and and there comes a point that you don't even think about it, like you feel that trigger, and you immediately go there.

And what the Bible says is that you're transformed by the renewing of your mind, which means this you need to create a new pathway, you need to create a new pattern.

In fact, I have a habit loop I want you guys to see.

And this is how you create every kind of habit.

There's something that triggers you, there's some kind of craving, there's a response, and then there's a reward.

So you're on Instagram and you're triggered by a girl that you see, and then you feel lonely.

That's the craving.

I feel alone.

So you look at porn and then you get some kind of reward, and there's shame that comes right after that.

But every time you experience one of those loops, it creates a pathway.

The more you walk down that pathway, the wider and wider it gets.

So, what you have to do is you have to create a new pathway.

How do you do it?

A couple of ways that I want to give you.

Number one, I want you to tell one person this week, if you're struggling with porn, James 5.16 says, Confess your sins one to another and pray for each other that you might be healed.

Everyone that I know that has gotten victory over pornography, someone knew about it.

Tell someone this week, second thing, find the trigger and not just the habit.

No one watches porn out of nowhere.

There is something that triggered you to watch that.

Like, I remember talking to a friend that struggled with pornography, and I was like, bro, what were you doing before you watched it?

And he's like, I'm always watching the show friends.

And I'm like, you should stop watching friends.

That's your trigger.

Like, people are like, it's Instagram.

I'm like, delete Instagram.

Like, delete whatever the trigger is.

Now, does that mean you can't have Instagram for the rest of your life?

No, but you have to close this neurological pathway and create something that's healthy.

You're you can't be trusted with Instagram yet.

Okay, you have to create that.

The Bible says this in Matthew 5 29 if your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away.

Jesus isn't being literal, but he is being serious.

Whatever is triggering you, take it away.

Put something between you and it, and then the final thing is this replace the habit, don't just remove it.

First Corinthians 6.18, it says, flee from sexual immorality.

That doesn't just mean run away from something.

You need to run towards something.

Run towards people, run towards a group, run towards your Bible, go on a run.

Like for legit, like go on a run, like go to the gym.

You have to replace that with something else.

And what you find is if you create a if you're triggered, but you create a new response to that, you create a new pathway.

The more you walk down the pathway, the wider and wider that gets, and now you have a six-lane highway to something healthy.

And this pathway closes, and it will be there will come a point, it will be more difficult for you to look at pornography than to walk in freedom.

That is possible.

That when you walk in freedom enough, freedom becomes the default easy thing to do because you've created such a pathway to it.

Does that make sense?

Final question for you, and then we'll pray.

And this one's even deeper.

Um, someone said, I've been sexually assaulted.

Does that mean I betrayed my future husband or my lifelong partner?

Well, it absolutely does not.

And I'm so glad that someone asked this, and I know this can be really heavy for people to talk about, but we felt like we needed to address this because I think so many people experience sexual assault, and it's actually part of my story too.

And for so many years, I got this wrong because I aimed all the blame at myself instead of at the person who did this to me.

But Brad says last week, he talked about sexual assault is not something to be forgiven of, it's something to be healed from.

And so if that's you today, you didn't betray anyone because betrayal requires a choice, and you didn't do anything.

This is something that happened to you, and you can't betray someone with something that you never chose.

So someone did this against you, and the God actually puts this in his law, and I think this is so helpful in Deuteronomy 22, verse 26 and 27.

Deuteronomy 22:26

You can go read more, but he's speaking about when a man forces himself on a woman, and the law here says the woman has done nothing deserving death, and actually speaking to this man deserves death and will be punished to death.

And she screamed, but there was no one to rescue her.

And so I think thousands of years ago, before there were hotlines and counselors, God went on record to make sure that nobody could ever hang the weight on her.

She is not guilty.

And that's not just me up here being nice to you.

That's what God's word says.

And I know in my own story, I had to recognize that no, it's not my fault.

But now how I deal with it is my responsibility.

And so I think what it looked like for me that I hope it could help somebody here today, um, a few things that I'd just love to hand you.

The first one would be tell the truth about it.

So I minimized mine for years.

I thought, was this even real?

Did this really happen?

Maybe I did something to deserve this.

And healing starts the second you stop shrinking what happened.

And so it was real, it was wrong, and it was not your fault.

And the second thing is don't try to heal it alone.

For me, I sought counsel not only through God's word and just the Lord taking the weight of this off of me, but also through a biblical counselor who act actually helped me unpack parts of my story that my mind had chosen not to remember.

It's something our minds are so powerful to even repress these things, but you can't just self-heal this.

You need to do it with the Lord and maybe with the counselor too.

And the last thing is let God name you instead of letting this thing that happened to you name you.

I know we shared earlier about the book of Ruth, and I just love this book.

And actually, Naomi, who is Ruth's mother-in-law, she was feeling broken, and she goes and she tells the whole town in Ruth 120, she says, Don't call me Naomi anymore, call me Mara.

And Mara means bitter.

She literally says, Call me bitter.

She tries to rename herself by the worst thing that's ever happened to her.

And so if you go read the book of Ruth, only she ever calls herself that one time.

And the rest of the book, um, Naomi, everyone else calls her Naomi from the rest for the rest of the Bible.

And so she tried to rename herself, but what happened to you will try to rename you.

But God's already given you a different name, and He's never gonna call you by this one.

And so, if you've ever experienced sexual assault in this room, I just want to say that I'm so sorry.

It was not your fault.

And we love you, and we want to be a church that comes alongside you to resource you.

We have certified counselors that we would love to connect you with if that's something that you'd like to do.

And we've got we would love for you to come up for prayer after the service.

And I also know some of you you've never been able to speak those words out loud, and so maybe it's just an anonymous prayer request.

We love to pray with you, and you can tap the circle disc on the seat back in front of you so that we can pray for you.

Yeah, and pray that God truly heals that because God's just not trying to heal this so that you can survive it, it's actually so that you can be loved well and love others well, and that's what we're believing for you, if that's your story.

Yeah.

Is anyone grateful for a God who renames us?

Come on, a God who can redeem no matter what happened.

I want you to know this whatever you've experienced in your life, you're not alone, you're not alone.

And we serve a God that can truly redeem everything, a God that can give you a brand new name.

And you know, when we become believers, he gives us a brand new name.

The Bible says that the old is gone, the new has come.

The Bible says in John 10, 10 that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus comes that he that you may have life and have life to the full.

And if you follow Jesus, you know that.

And there's some of you in this room and you don't follow Jesus, you're far from him, and uh, you feel far from him.

Like coming into this room today, you feel far from him.

And if that's you, we just want to be able to pray for you uh before we close today.

Can I ask everyone just to bow your heads and close your eyes?

And if you're here today and you're like, man, I know that I'm a million miles away from God, and what I need to do is I need to come back to him, I need to give my life to him.

And uh, if that's you, we're gonna pray a prayer.

The gospel's simple.

All of us have made mistakes, all of us are deserving of death.

But Jesus came and he died for us.

He died on a cross, he paid our penalty, and the Bible says that he was raised again, and if you believe in him, you can have life.

And if you're here and you're saying, I'm going all in with Jesus, I want to follow him, we're gonna pray a prayer, and I want everyone to pray this for the benefit of those praying it for the first time.

But repeat off to me, just say, Dear Jesus, I believe that you're the Son of God and the Savior of the world.

I believe you came to this earth, you died on a cross, and you were raised that I can have life.

And right now I'll make you my Lord and make you my savior in Jesus' name.

In Jesus' name of everybody, head bowed and eyes closed.

If you're here today and you pray that for the very first time, I'm gonna count a three and I just want you to wave at me.

No one's looking around, but we'd love to celebrate that with you.

Here we go.

One, two, three.

If you prayed that for the first time, lift up your hands.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

Hey, Church, can you do me a favor?

Can you put your hands together?

Come on, for everyone who just said that for the first time.

We love you, Church.

And if you just said yes to Jesus, let me just say that is the best decision you could ever make.

And you do have a next step.

We would love for you to let us know and do that by texting the keyword Jesus to 480-485-3405.

We want you to let us know.

And we have a resource that we would love to get in your hands.

It's called You Said Yes.

And it's a 21-day devotional so that you don't have to start this journey with Jesus alone.

And if this ministry has impacted you in any way and you're watching, we would love to ask you to pray about two simple things.

First, pray about sharing this with someone.

You just never know how much a simple share could impact someone around you.

And two, we would love for you to pray about partnering with us financially.

And you never know how much your giving makes this possible for people just like you and all around the world.

So we want to say thank you for the way that you give.

And if you want to do that today, you can head to spiritchurch.co forward slash give.

Well, we love you, church, and we can't wait to see you right back here next week.

And because remember with God, there is more.