Become The Person | Pastor KJay | Radiant Church

Welcome, podcast family.

My name is Kaylee, and thank you for tuning in today.

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We believe that God has a powerful word for you today.

So let's dive in into this amazing message.

But if you're taking notes, the title of my sermon is Become the Person.

Everyone say become the person.

One more time, I say become the person.

Become the person.

And what I mean by that, this is the principle.

We'll apply it to relationships today, but I'm gonna take a moment.

This applies to everything in life because so many seasons of our life, we sit and we wait on the person.

We wait on someone to come rescue us, someone to fix everything.

Man, I'm not right with God.

I just need to meet the right friend.

No, you know God, and He's He's all the friend you need to get right with Him.

Like, like you're not waiting on somebody to make you something.

Man, if I just lived in a different place, no, no, no, God can do something through you right here.

We're always waiting on somebody, but God said you become the person.

You become the person that you're waiting on.

There's some single people in this room, you like, see, if he was tall, cute, and rich, see, things would change, right?

No, no, you become the person.

See, if I had the perfect wife, you know, I would be so much happier.

God's like, no, you become the person.

In life, so many seasons we're waiting on someone, and you may meet an amazing someone.

God bless me with a great someone, but I still had to become the person.

You have to become the person.

No one else is gonna be able to control your happiness, your joy outside of the Lord.

You have Him, and outside of that, you have you.

Become the person.

And when you become the person, every person you come in contact with is blessed and strengthened and impacted because you became the person.

So I have a question on this topic of becoming a qu becoming the person.

What are you looking for?

What are you looking for?

Everyone's looking for something, even if you're single, what are you looking for?

Single people, just take a moment and think about what you're looking for.

And I know you're seeing muscles and and I know you're seeing credit cards and transactions and him having a nice house and a nice car.

Like, what are you looking for?

Are married people?

What are you looking for in your spouse?

Well, my spouse needs to, okay, we ain't gonna touch that.

But what are you looking for?

Everybody is looking for something.

What are you looking for?

Are you looking for someone uh that knows God?

Are you looking for someone that is physically, you know, strong?

Are you looking for someone that has a great job?

What are you looking for?

And many of us we have things that we are looking for, and we may have never wrote it down on a sheet of paper, but in our heart, we all have expectations of what we're looking for.

And my question is for you what is it that you're looking for?

Now, by the end of this sermon, I'm gonna help you answer the question of what you're actually looking for because I've heard some really dumb things that people are looking for.

Okay?

Really superficial things.

Things like, yeah, they need to be cute.

Uh, have you seen 10 years of marriage and five kids?

Nobody survived that cute, okay?

I'm just saying.

Maybe my wife, but I didn't survive cute.

I started, I came into marriage cute.

I ain't as cute as I was when I walked in.

You know what I'm saying?

So I'm just saying.

You know, she met me about 85 hours ago.

Praise the Lord.

So, what are you actually looking for?

And it can't just be superficial.

So, we're gonna dig into that today.

If you have your Bibles, go to Proverbs, and we're gonna start in Proverbs chapter 24, verse 7.

Proverbs 24:7

We're gonna dig in.

It's gonna be fun today.

What are you looking for?

Proverbs 24, verse 27 says, prepare your outside work, make it fit for yourself in the field, and afterwards build your house.

Proverbs 24:27

Prepare your outside work, make it fit for yourself in the field, and afterwards build your house.

I love this construction, right?

So here's what the Lord is saying through Solomon in this verse.

He's saying, Hey, prepare the outside work, prepare the field, then build the house.

Prepare the field, then build the house, prepare the field, then build the house.

If anyone's ever built a house, you know that you have to prepare the dirt and do the dirt work before you can build a house.

You can't just build a house if you have not done the dirt work.

Because if you build a house without doing the dirt work, the dirt work is gonna tear up your house.

Because if you didn't do the dirt work, all of a sudden you're gonna have a settling foundation and your foundation is gonna shift and walls gonna start cracking, plumbing's gonna start falling apart, paint's gonna start peeling, ceilings are gonna get cracked.

Why?

Because you build a house without doing the dirt work, the dirt work is the foundation, it's the thing that stabilizes the house, it's the thing you build the house on.

And if you build a house without preparing the soil, the soil will destroy the house.

Why?

Because what's underneath the house starts bleeding out through the house.

And what's what happens in our life is the soil of a marriage is your heart.

And you didn't prepare your heart, you didn't do the dirt work in your heart, and because you didn't do the dirt work in your house, in your heart, now what's in your heart is bleeding through the house of your marriage.

Now, all of a sudden, your pride is bleeding through, your ego is bleeding through, your unforgiveness is bleeding through.

You didn't take a season to heal, and because you didn't heal from what hurt you, now you're bleeding on the person that didn't cut you.

You didn't take the time to do what you needed to do.

So all of a sudden, now the house is deteriorating because you didn't prepare.

And God gave us order we prepare, then we build.

We prepare, then we build.

But so many people build without preparing.

And the reason they build without preparing is because we want weddings, but we don't want marriages.

And a marriage takes a moment.

A wedding takes a moment, but a marriage takes a lifetime.

We want to go on a honeymoon, but we don't want to be a bridegroom.

We want wedding pictures, but we don't want to go through the marriage process.

We want to stand at the altar together and say, I do, but really what we truly meant was I'll try.

Because how can I say I do when I haven't done in me what I'm promising to do for you?

I can't say I do if I'm not willing to actually do what I said I'll do, and how can I do what I said I'll do for you if I haven't done it in myself first?

We have to prepare before we build.

And so many times you have people that say I do, but how can you say I do when you don't know who I is?

Because I is broken, I is bitter, I is frustrated.

I know this is bad grammar, but it's good preaching.

I am I is untrusting, I is insecure, but I want to do something that I'm incapable of doing because I did not get healed, I did not follow God, I didn't get in my word, I didn't become a prayer warrior, and I'm gonna do something I can never live up to.

So what I really mean is not I do, I mean I'll try.

And this is why one and two marriages fail, because a bunch of people are trying, and very few people are actually doing.

And it takes two.

Maybe you're in here and you're divorced, don't feel bad because it could have been because someone else couldn't do.

You probably tried to do, but they wasn't doing back.

So we have to prepare the soil, begin to work on yourself, begin to heal yourself, begin to fix yourself.

Do you know an omelet is only as good as the two eggs?

You get one bad egg, you got a bad omelet.

Oh, but if you get two good eggs, you get a you get a good omelet, but it requires two good eggs.

In other words, marriage is beautiful.

I'm not trying to scare you from marriage, marriage is beautiful, but marriage is not magic.

Marriage is magnifying.

Marriage is not gonna hide what you broke, it's gonna actually reveal what's broken.

Marriage isn't magic, it's magnifying.

Marriage actually amplifies what you are, which means if you're insecure, wait till you get a husband.

Every time he walks out the door, where you going?

Where are you going?

Like, you know what?

I'm going back to the bedroom at this point.

Was going to get you flowers, but we're good now.

We ain't getting those.

If you as angry as a single man, you're gonna be furious as a husband.

Furious.

Why?

Because marriage isn't magic, it actually magnifies.

It takes the smallest things and make them big.

You were just a little cuckoo, now you're full-blown crazy because now he and she is pulling the worst out of you.

It's a magnifier.

Oh, but if you're full of the peace of God and you're full of the love of God and the joy of God, now that's magnified.

I tell you what, I was a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we get together.

Why?

Because we are magnifying the things of God.

There's a multiplicity to what we're doing.

The Bible says one can put a thousand a flight, two can put ten thousand a flight.

There's a 10x return when we come together because we're magnifying the right things.

Oh, but if we're broken, we're gonna fracture this marriage.

Let's prepare before we build.

We have so many broken houses because we had untreated soil.

Have you done the work in the soil?

Have you done the work in your heart?

Because somebody's not gonna come fix everything, somebody's not gonna come make you secure.

Because here's the thing so many times you were hurt from your ex.

You was hurt, somebody did a number on you, and now you're like, God, be I was broken by my ex, now send me to my next.

But the problem is when God sends you to your next, instead of focusing on what's behind you, you're gonna keep responding instead of focusing on what's in front of you, you're gonna keep responding to what's behind you.

So now you're screaming at the person in front of you because you're screaming through the person that was behind you.

So if you don't heal from what hurts you, you bleed on those that did not cut you.

So you have to be whole, you have to do the dirt work, and then you can build the house.

But do the dirt work, let the Lord heal your heart, let him work in you, let him make you whole, let him remove.

Man, somebody wronged you.

But let God heal you.

Somebody broke things, but let God restore things.

Man, you lost things, let God put those things back.

So when you come into a marriage, you come with the dirt work done.

Solid foundation ready to receive a house.

Oh, can we give God a shout of praise for that?

Prepare, prepare the field and then allow God to build a house.

You have to let God make you whole.

And only God can make you whole.

Only God can put you back together again, only God can fix the things that's broken in your life.

Only God can do it, only God can do it, only God can do it.

A person can't do it.

See, the reason why marriages struggle, marriages struggle when it's so hard is because you're expecting something from someone they can't do.

She can be a great wife, but she'll be a terrible God.

He can be a great husband, but he'll be a terrible God.

Most of the problems we have are problems that God has to come solve.

But we're expecting someone to fix it, and only God can fix it.

I remember the old nurse he rhymed.

You guys remember this?

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

Let's look at this story.

Humpty Dumpty.

Sat on the wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

We've all sat on walls and we've all had great falls.

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

I want to tell you something.

You're Humpty.

But the story implies something so powerful.

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.

It was implying that only the king could put Humpty together again.

And some of you guys have took great falls in your life and you've been broken and hurt and betrayed.

And I want you to know no man can put you together and no woman can put you together.

Oh, but the king can make you whole.

Oh, the king can restore you.

The king can put you back together.

The king can restore things and fix things.

He can go into the innermost depths of your heart and he can pull out things that you didn't even know was there.

The horses can do it, the men can do it, but the king could do it, and he wants to make you whole.

He wants to put you back together again.

Oh no, not just a defective version, better than the original.

He wants you to become the person.

You have to become the person, and you do that by letting the king put you together.

Again, you become the person.

Now, we all we all looking for somebody.

Even in our own spouse, we're looking at you like, hey, I need you to up that a little bit.

You know what I'm saying?

You cook once a week.

We need it three times a week.

Praise the Lord.

We're all looking for something.

Yeah, you cut the grass once a month.

We need it twice a month.

Watch it, player.

You know what I'm saying?

Let's not go back and forth.

Lord Jesus, I just pray you make her more patient.

Lord, I pray you give them a higher paying job.

Let's not play that game.

It gets dangerous out there, right?

But what?

What are you looking for?

We're all looking for something.

What are you looking for?

And I believe we all have lists, but I don't believe we write them out.

We all have these invisible things in our heart that we're looking for.

And we have our little list in our heart.

And all of a sudden we meet somebody, we're just so humble.

Yes, I just love Jesus.

I love you too.

Yeah.

And then as soon as we get into something, and now we got our lists out.

And now we're like, well, I need somebody that's godly that loves Jesus like for real.

And I need Bible verses in his bio, right?

And if he ain't got that, we ain't good.

Then it's like, I need someone that's obsessed with me.

Text me back, hype me up, and act like I'm the blessing in the prize, right?

And here's one.

I need someone that does whatever I say and don't be a pushover.

How's that even possible?

They do whatever you say and don't be a pushover.

The very essence of a pushover is doing whatever you say.

And we have all these expectations.

They need to be healthy and put together, and they need to understand the ordering is a part of their destiny.

And we have all these things.

They need to pay bills on time, keep commitments, and they need to live their life my way.

We have all these things.

We have this list.

Some things are good and they're valid and they're golly, and then some things are just foolish.

We have all kinds of stuff on our list, right?

And we have this list, and then we go around and we're meeting people.

We're like, okay, he's got the church.

Okay, he's responsible, his bills paid.

Um he kind of upsets me because he won't stop texting me.

Okay, we'll check that box.

And we're like, ooh, Rich?

Okay, we're gonna check that three times.

You know what I'm saying?

Praise God.

Praise God.

You know what?

If he just got this one, we can maybe deal with the lack of the other ones.

You know what I'm saying?

No, ladies, no.

Okay, so we come and we have this stuff and we have our list.

And I'm not against the list, I'm not, and I'm not judging your list.

I'm only judging your list if you're not your list.

He needs to be, he needs an 800 credit score and you got a 550.

He needs to be golly, but you only pray when life falls apart.

He needs to do whatever I say, but you can't submit to nobody.

He needs to be rich and your bill collectors looking for you.

You can't even turn your notifications on at Olive Garden because them folks calling you finna pick their stuff back up.

And the church said, not judging your list, I'm just asking, are you the list?

Because we can have a list that we're not.

We have all these expectations that we're not.

And do you want to know the number one reason for divorce?

The number one reason for divorce is people said it was finances, it's actually not finance.

The number one reason for divorce is unmet expectations.

That's the number one reason for divorce.

And all the people here that's I'm waiting for my husband and I'm dating, I'm ready to be married.

Do you know one and two marriages fail?

And out of the ones that make it, they ain't even really married.

They're just roommates and business partners.

There's some people in here, we ain't married.

Don't you there's a divider in the bay.

You step over that thing, you get hit.

So be careful what you're asking for because I heard that relationship status is like flies.

There's flies that's outside the screen door and they can't wait to get in.

They buzzing out the trying to get in.

But then there's a group of flies inside the screen door buzzing, trying to get out.

Some of y'all think of people, I can't wait to get married.

Some of the people are like, I wish I waited to get married.

What am I saying?

Unmet expectations.

And many times we have these lists, and and there's and this is not just before marriage.

In marriage, we still have these.

And when people aren't living up to our list, here's what we do: we have unmet expectations that lead to resentment.

I'm talking to married people now, not dating people.

Your sex life went from five to none.

And it went from none because there's resentment there.

You remember what it was like before you resented each other.

And we can blame it on bills and kids and busy.

There's resentment, there's frustration.

I needed you and you weren't there.

I needed encouragement, and you weren't there.

I needed help and you weren't there.

I needed you to speak into that, and you didn't.

And because I have all these unspoken met expectations, I resent you now, and secretly now I'm punishing you because I feel like you punished me.

And you're not living up to my list.

And we have all this stuff that goes on.

But here's the problem with the list.

The problem with the list is this it focuses on them and it doesn't focus on you.

Because this list is about looking for the right person.

This is the person you're looking for.

But I'm gonna tell you one level deeper than the person you're looking for.

How about you become the person that you're looking for is looking for?

Become the person that you want once.

Because, man of God, I'm gonna tell you, a woman like this ain't looking for a dude like you.

And women, I'm gonna tell you, a man like this ain't looking for a man like you.

Because we attract who we are.

And it's a painful truth.

I just keep running into bad men.

No, you're attracting them.

Because there's something in you that agrees with them, A.

Or B, there's standards in you due to your brokenness that allows them to come have access to you.

You attract what you are, or you attract what you allow based on your standards for yourself.

And the reason why you're allowing less than is because you haven't become more than.

You're allowing less than because you haven't become greater than.

So, what you have to do is become the person that I'm looking for, is looking for.

I'm not looking for someone with strong credit, I'm about to go build my credit.

I'm not looking for someone that's in shape, I'm about to go hit the gym.

I'm not looking for somebody that can lead me closer to the Lord, I'm about to lead myself closer to the Lord.

I'm not looking for someone to care about my financial troubles.

I'm about to cure my own financial troubles.

I'm not looking for somebody to make me happy.

I'm gonna let King Jesus make me happy.

I'm not looking for someone to be my peace.

Jesus is my peace.

Peace is not what I look for in a marriage, peace is what I give to my marriage.

And when you do that, all of a sudden everything changes, and now you're a candidate for something beautiful.

Oh, can we give God a shout of praise in this place?

Become the person that you're looking for is actually looking for because if you're looking for someone that you're not, the greatest way to get what you want is to be it.

It's the greatest way.

You're gonna always get what you are.

Well, he's just not a real believer, are you?

Because how would a real believer be with someone that's not a real believer?

The Bible says, how can two walk together at least they be agreed?

You agree with who you walk with.

You walked with this unbeliever for three years, saying you're a believer.

Come on, who are you kidding?

There is a lack of faith in you just like it is in them.

You can write out what you want, but you're gonna attract who you are.

So what you have to focus on is becoming the person.

Everyone say become.

The person.

One more time, say become.

The person.

I'm gonna spend my energy becoming not looking.

And if you spend more time becoming than you spend looking, everything will change.

If you have your Bibles, let's go to Genesis chapter 2, 18.

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

I'm gonna talk to the men for a second, then the women.

I'm gonna tell you guys who you're supposed to become biblically.

You ready?

Give you guys a second to get there.

First book in the Bible.

Can't find it, you're already not it yet.

His Bible's upside down, he's probably not it yet.

If your Bible is upside down, we are glad you're here though.

Praise God.

You're gonna get it, brother.

You're gonna get it.

Flip that Bible the right way.

And if you read it at home, you'll know how to work it, okay?

Alright, let's do this.

Genesis 2, 18, it says, and the Lord God said, It's not good that man should be alone.

I will make him a helper comparable to him.

It's not good that man shall be alone.

I'm going to make him a helper comparable to him.

Which means the person that God's making for you is comparable to you.

They're like you.

Gotta mean something a little bit.

So God says it's not good for man to be alone.

This is one of the most misquoted verses in the Bible.

Why?

Because every dude, like man, even God said it's not good that I should be alone.

I need somebody.

Brother, you don't need nobody.

You need to learn context of the Bible because God wasn't just talking about all men, he was talking about a certain man.

He was talking about Adam.

You weren't there when God said this, because if you were, God would have been like, that brother needs to be alone.

God was talking about Adam, and Adam had certain things.

And if you read the whole chapter two, I call it a G2 man.

Adam was a G2 man.

A man that shouldn't be alone should be a G2 man.

It's a Genesis 2 man.

And I'm gonna show you some of the things that the G2 men had in place to make God say such a prophetic thing.

The first thing he had in place was he had the presence of God.

Everyone say the presence, he had the presence.

The Bible says he walked and talked with God in the cool of the day, which means in the morning he was talking with God.

He was talking with God in the evening, he was talking with God at night, he had the presence of God.

Why would you want a man that don't have the presence of God?

Why would you want a man that's not talking to God?

Why would you want a man that don't spend time with God?

And so many times I cancel women, and I feel bad for you, kinda, but not all the way.

I slightly feel bad for you.

And here's why because you were sitting here in the presence of the Lord and you got bored and lonely.

Then you left the presence of the Lord, you found the man, you married him, and then you're spending your whole marriage trying to drag him back to the presence of the Lord, and you can't get him to come to a place he's never been, and it would have been a lot easier if you met him in the presence.

You met him worshiping God, you met him loving God, you met him serving God, and if you're in the presence and he in the presence, all of a sudden this marriage is a gift in the present.

And as you both get closer to the Father, you get closer to each other because you're in the presence.

Ladies, never leave your Eden to find a man and try to drag him back.

If he ain't in Eden, he ain't yours.

Why?

Because the Bible says God placed Adam and Eden.

Eating is the place that was designed for you, and the man that's for you is already gonna be in your Eden.

Can we give God a shout of praise for that?

The second thing a man had was provision.

Because vision requires provision.

Why does a man have to have provision?

Because see, there's some broke guys in here, they're like, Well, you ain't gotta have money and ain't all about money.

You know who say that?

People with no money.

And I ain't judging, but if I'm marrying, I'm looking.

Do you know the second need, the first need of a woman is love, second is security.

A woman was actually designed to need security.

It's not just she was made by God, she's a helper.

She wasn't made like you.

Y'all weren't made at the same time.

She was made by God.

She needs provision.

I'm not saying you gotta be rich.

I'm not saying you gotta have the biggest house.

I'm not saying you gotta have the best car, but you have to have provision.

You should be able to take care of her, or you and her put your incomes together, and y'all should be able to build a life.

You should be working, you should be building towards something, you should have aspirations, you should have an upward focus.

Maybe he ain't got it all right now.

I'm not saying take the rich man, but I'm saying you need a man that wants to build, that wants to provide, that don't mind working, that's willing to get out there.

You gotta have provision.

Why?

Because God gave Adam work.

The Bible says a man that don't work shouldn't eat, which means you won't eat, and that's a problem because you were designed to eat.

He needs work, he needs work.

I don't care.

College dudes, homework, you better have some kind of work.

I don't care if it's homework, you better have some work.

A woman needs pro vision.

Here's another thing she needs purpose.

Everyone say purpose.

She needs a man with a purpose.

God created human beings to dominate the earth and to subdue it.

Those are aggressive terms.

Domination, subduing.

You don't know why most marriages fail?

It's because the two people in them are dominating each other and subduing each other.

And the reason why they're dominating each other and subduing each other is because they don't have a purpose to dominate and subdue.

When the marriage lacks something to attack, the people in the marriage starts attacking each other.

Why is that?

Because God made her a helper.

Which means, men, she's not gonna sit around and let you be a slap, a sloucher when she's a helper.

She's not gonna just let you sit down and do nothing, have no ambition, have no care, have no purpose.

She's gonna ground all of a sudden.

Why you always on the couch?

Why are you always watching the game?

Why you always hear?

Why are you always doing that?

And he like, get off my back.

And she needed, I can't, God made me this way.

And it's only a problem because you don't want to do nothing.

Oh, but if you was building the things of God, if you had the purpose of the Lord from above, if you was running after the things of God, you would be happy that I'm a helper.

You only get mad at a helper when you don't need help, or when you don't want it.

Oh, but when you're building something, you need help.

So what are you building?

What are you building for the kingdom of God?

Some of you guys, you got calls, maybe you got businesses, you got different things, but but you should be building God's kingdom.

We're all called to build his kingdom, we're called to dominate, subdue the earth for the kingdom of God.

You're building God's kingdom as He's helping.

Hey man, we're gonna build this small group together.

You know what?

Man, man, we're we're we're married and we're finna meet with young married couples, we're gonna build them together, and we're gonna attack this mission, we're gonna attack this purpose, and you guys will quit attacking each other.

But if you don't give her nothing to attack, brother, she's gonna attack you.

Okay?

Because whatever a woman gets, she's gonna take it to another level.

You give her a house, she'll make it a home.

You give her a headache, she'll give you hell.

I'm just saying.

All right, let's go to the next point.

A place.

A place.

Now, you might not have a place, but you need to be able to get a place.

Why?

Because a woman needs a place.

Well, Pastor, Pastor, that sounds very superficial.

Like, who needs a place?

If we just love each other, we can just be nowhere.

Uh well, God created marriage and he created it with order, and in that order there was a place.

Do you know when God created Adam?

He created Adam in the wild.

He created Adam before he created Eden, which means that Adam was created in the wild.

Why would Adam be created in the wild?

It's because he's a man, he don't need a place.

Wherever he lays hat is his home.

He's okay.

I want to say this, ladies, and this is a very creepy thought, but I want you to go here with me.

If we removed all women from the earth, or if God never created a woman, do you know the earth would still look exactly the same way?

We would all live out in the woods, we would never shave or shower, and it would smell terrible on this planet.

We get haircuts because of you, we buy clothes because of you, we shave because of you, we shower because of you.

It will be a disaster.

Why?

Because we were actually building a wild and we will make everything around us wild until you come.

Because God had so much wisdom before God brought you.

He didn't create Adam and Eve at the same time.

Why?

Because if he did it, they would have fought.

Because she would have woke up.

Where's our bed?

Why's these bushes everywhere?

Why is this out of order?

You ain't got what you did.

How long did God make you?

He made you this morning.

You ain't cleaned nothing, you ain't swept nothing, you ain't prepared nothing, you lazy rascal.

What is this?

So, what did God do?

God went and planted a garden, made it cute, made it amazing, and then he put the man in the garden and he sent the woman.

And I could just see Eve now, mm-hmm.

Oh, this where we sleep, these are headquarters?

Okay.

Oh, this is where we watch the birds sing right here.

This is our living room.

Okay, Adam, I see you then, babe.

I see you.

That wasn't there, they would have fought off rib.

She needs a place.

Before my wife, my apartment was literally a box with couches.

I didn't even have a I didn't even have a mattress.

I mean, I had a mattress, I didn't even have a bed frame.

She's like, what is this?

I'm like, this is home.

She said, no, it's not.

Girl came in my house with some plants.

I'm like, what do we need plants for?

Those are outside.

She's like, they're inside now.

We're gonna put pictures on the wall.

Why will we ruin perfectly good white walls?

Right?

Why a woman makes a house a home.

She needs a place and all the lady said, Come on, women of God, give God a shout of praise to that.

Lastly, a man must have parameters.

What did God do?

He gave Adam the word.

A man should have the word of God.

He should be a carrier of the word.

The word should be hidden in his heart.

God gave Adam the word.

Hey, don't eat in the tree in the midst of the garden.

Hey, dominate, hey, subdue.

Hey, whatever you, whatever you, whatever you call the animals, they shall be.

He gave him parameters.

And you have to have parameters because if you don't have parameters before marriage, feelings are terrible theologians.

You have to have parameters.

You have God's way, his will, his word.

A man must have that.

If a man doesn't have God's word, if he's not a lover of God's word, if he's not a reader of God's word, you guys need to stop and prioritize that.

Prioritize the word of God.

Because a man without prior parameters is dangerous.

A man that's not under authority shouldn't be in authority.

A man that's not submitted shouldn't be submitted to.

Because power absolutely destroys unchecked.

Read history.

Unchecked power will always destroy.

His power should be checked by God.

It should be checked by God.

And if he has these five things, then that's the man that God is saying shouldn't be alone.

Oh, but if he don't have the presence, if he don't have a place, if he don't have purpose, if he don't have provision, if he don't have parameters, God is saying that man should be alone until he gets in order, and then he shouldn't be alone.

Can we give God a shout of praise for that?

Come on, somebody.

All right, men of God, I got your back.

We're gonna make her sweat a little bit now.

You ready?

We're gonna make her sweat.

Now, I I didn't kick you around, so before you get mad, we we gonna we we we're gonna swing the pendulum now, okay?

We're gonna go to Proverbs 31.

I ain't gonna be too harsh though, ladies, because y'all got one in my bed laying next to me.

She ain't gonna let me get y'all too much, but we gotta do a little bit.

Proverbs 31, verse 10.

Proverbs 31:10

It reads, Who can find a virtuous wife?

For her worth is far above rubies.

Let's read it again.

Who can find a virtuous wife?

For her worth is far above rubies.

Wow.

Wow.

First of all, the Bible says who can find.

Which means it's hard to find is rare.

It's hard to find.

But how is it hard to find?

Because he's saying there is women everywhere.

But a virtuous wife is hard to find.

And why is it hard to find?

It's because anything with value, it's not that it can't be found, it's hard to find.

Why?

Because anything with value gets removed.

It gets taken.

It gets taken out.

If you drop a hundred dollar bill, you leave for 10 minutes, you come back, it won't be here.

Why?

It's valuable.

If you drop a penny, you may be here all night.

Nobody wants it.

Women of God.

Spend more time becoming valuable than looking for a man.

Because if you become valuable, a man will look for you.

See, so many times we have women running after a man, but if you stopped and ran after God, God'll give you a man you don't have to run after.

Come on, ladies.

A virtuous wife who can find one, you gotta watch the scripture.

The Bible says a virtuous wife who can find one.

Wait, that's a contradiction.

How do you find a wife?

We were told wives are what?

Married.

But the Bible says he that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

In other words, what happens is this you're not a wife when I marry you.

You're a wife when I find you.

You become my wife when I marry you, but you were a wife when I found you.

Because a wedding ring don't make you a wife, the divine king makes you a wife.

You're not a wife when I marry you.

You're a wife when I find you.

You become my wife when I marry you.

You should already be a wife.

Why?

Because a wife is virtuous, a wife is wise, she knows how to put together a home.

She knows how to build up children.

She knows how to build up her man.

She has virtue.

She has class.

She knows who she is in God.

She's far, she's far more valuable than rubies.

You're waiting for a man to bring value to you.

You're supposed to bring value to him.

You're supposed to already have value.

A ruby is valuable before it ever hits someone's neck.

And a wife should be valuable before she ever becomes someone's bride.

You should already have value.

The Bible says, He that finds a wife finds a good thing.

Are you a good thing?

Are you a bad thing?

And this Bible says, He that finds a wife obtains favor from the Lord.

How do you know when you found a wife?

Because favor will follow you.

Favor will follow you.

When I got my wife, everything got better and everything got bigger.

Even me.

Everything grew except for her.

I don't know how she pulled that off.

We're gonna figure that out.

But everything grew.

My life grew, my purpose grew, the church grew, my business grew, everything grew.

Why?

Because when you find a wife, you obtain favor from the Lord.

Which means you're dating her and you're losing favor, which means she may not be a wife, brother.

Man, we got together, everything fell apart.

It's like, okay, supposed to be getting favor after being with you.

Right?

He that finds a wife finds a good thing, he obtains favor from the Lord.

How do you know when you got the person that God is sending you?

Because favor follows.

Oh, can we give God a shout of praise?

All right, man.

I beat you guys up enough now, ladies' turn.

Um, Proverbs 31 and 30 says, Charm is deceitful, beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised.

Charm and beauty, they're fleeting, they're passing, but a woman that fears the Lord shall be praised.

In other words, you need a woman that fears God.

When she fears God, she should be praised.

When she fears God, she should be honored.

When she fears God, she should be held in high esteem.

You need a woman that fears God.

She is to be praised, she is to be valued, she is to be honored.

Man, I want to tell you something.

I'm not against you going after a beautiful woman.

Not against it.

But if what you're looking for is that superficial as someone's appearance, you're looking for a rude away.

Because after poor babies, she's not gonna look the same.

After dealing with your crap, she's not gonna look the same.

She's not, and that's okay because you gotta ask yourself a question.

Do I love her because she's beautiful, or is she beautiful because I love her?

She is beautiful because you love her, but you're looking for a woman that fears God because you want a woman that that that that's going to take care of the home, that's gonna take care of the children, that's gonna build things up.

She has to have the fear of the Lord.

If she doesn't respect God, why would she respect you?

She doesn't submit to God, but she's magically gonna wake up and submit to you.

She back talks God, but she ain't gonna back talk you.

She she gets an attitude with God, she ain't gonna get an attitude with you.

She does nothing God says, but you believe she's gonna do what you say?

A woman that fears the Lord should be praised because that's a woman that submits to her husband, build her husband up, love her husband, serve her husband.

I'm looking at how you treat God because that shows me how you will treat me.

Which means a woman that keeps disrespecting God is a woman that's gonna keep disrespecting you.

And all the men in the room said, Okay, come on, brothers, you gotta get your lick back.

Number two, productivity.

She seeks wool and flax and willing to work with her hands.

I'm not saying she has to have a job because watching kids is some of the hardest work I've never seen.

I spent day with my daughter.

I'm like, whoo, my gosh.

Harding any job you can find out there.

But she's willing to work, she's willing to be productive, she's willing to build things, she's willing to get her hands dirty.

She ain't sitting around like she's too good and she's above it.

Hey, I'm willing to get in here with you, baby boy.

I'm willing to pray with you, I'm willing to help you serve.

Hey, I'm willing to take the season and build these kids up.

Hey, whatever you need, you need me to jump in the business.

Hey, I'll jump in too.

Hey, you need me to clean the home, hey, I'll clean the home.

Whatever I need to do, she's not afraid to get her hands dirty.

She's not afraid to work, she's not afraid to make things better.

You're looking for a woman that's willing to bring provision.

I'm not talking financially, I'm talking about she's providing.

Hey, I need to cook meals in this season.

Hey, I can cook meals.

What do you need me to do?

I'm a team player, I'm all in, baby.

What can I do to build this house?

What can I do to build this family?

Hey, you got hurt at the job?

Hey, I can pick up a slack.

Hey, I can pick up the slack.

Hey, I can do something on the side.

What we need to do to build this family.

She's willing to bring provision.

Whatever that looks like, it may not be a job, it may be taking care of the kids, it may be taking care of you, but she's willing to get her hands dirty.

Oh, because this is the Proverbs 31 woman.

This is a P31, and this is what you're looking for, man of God.

The next thing is, the next thing is provision.

So that one was productivity.

This one is provision.

She's like a merchant ship.

Says Proverbs 31 woman is like a merchant ship.

What's a merchant ship?

A merchant ship is something that gets goods, and it comes and it delivers goods.

She's like a merchant ship, she delivered the goods.

Man, this house has been chaotic.

She's gonna bring peace.

Man, everything's been dysfunctional.

She's gonna put it back together.

Man, man, I need some support and someone to believe in me.

She's gonna come and believe in me and say, baby, you can do it, you got this.

Why?

She's a merchant ship, she delivers the goods.

She delivers the goods.

You need a woman that's a merchant ship.

But many of us are with women that's wrecking ships.

You don't deliver the goods, you take them.

You don't build me up, you tear me down.

You don't make me better, you make me worse.

She's a merchant ship, she should deliver the goods.

He should be better because of you.

He should be stronger because of you, he should be wiser because of you.

The Bible likens a woman with the Holy Spirit.

Any believer's life gets better with the Holy Spirit, his life should get better with your spirit.

She's a merchant ship, she delivers the goods.

Uh, number four, she's prudent.

It says she opens up her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.

See, here's why men get in trouble.

This is why you get in trouble because you you meet her, and all you're doing is googly, and you're just laughing.

Having a good time, going on dates, and you all cute, and you forgot to sit down and shut up and listen.

Wisdom speaks.

As a man, you should be just 80% before you get married, should be you just sitting down, listening.

Hey, what do you think about this?

Hey, what do you think about that?

Hey, how would you solve this?

Hey, I read this scripture.

What do you and you're listening?

And what are you listening for?

You're listening for wisdom.

You're listening for wisdom, you're listening for virtue.

You're sitting down, you're listening.

You're just sitting.

Most of the time you should talk.

I would sit with my wife for hours.

I would just throw everything at her, and I'm just listening.

Why?

Because am I dealing with wisdom?

You're like, man, my wife is so bitter.

I don't know how she's this way.

Bro, if you would have listened, you would have knew.

So, what happened with your last relationship?

Yeah, he ain't nothing.

He's a dog.

He ain't nothing.

Ah, ah, ah.

And it's like he probably wasn't, but the way you're addressing it lets me know that you don't have kindness on your tongue, you have bitterness on your tongue.

And because that hasn't healed, it's gonna hurt our marriage.

And I'm gonna sit here and I'm gonna listen to you.

And it's not that you didn't go through nothing, and it's not that he wasn't ratchet, but the fact that you didn't heal from it is bleeding out of your tongue, and I can hear your pain.

I can hear, I can hear you're still mad at your dad.

I can hear you was let down, I can hear you got trust issues, I can hear you're so insecure, I hear it coming out of your mouth, and I'm not gonna spend most of my time on dates with my eyes closed.

I'm sitting down with my ears open.

Because wisdom speaks and wisdom can be heard.

Everything you ran into in marriage, you could have heard about in dating, but you were too arrogant to listen.

Oh, she's so cute.

Yeah, on the outside, what does she look like on the inside, brother?

Because you marry the soul of a person, not the appearance.

Everybody said, Come on, somebody.

Lastly, preparation.

Preparation.

She's not afraid of the snow for her household is clothed with scarlet.

Let's hit this.

She's not afraid of the snow for her household is clothed with scarlet.

What is the snow?

It's symbolic for a storm.

She's not afraid of storms.

I need a woman in my life that's not scared of the storm.

Why do I need a woman that's not scared of the storm?

Because of the storm.

It always comes.

It always will come.

You will have a storm.

And you need a woman in your life that's not scared of it.

Now, why is she not scared of a storm?

Because she's clothed in scarlet.

What does scarlet do?

In other words, it's warm.

In other words, she has warmth in the storm.

Man, you feel broken down at work and you come home, she warms you up.

You feel broken down in the family, she warms you up.

There's a financial storm.

Hey, baby, it's good.

You know, I'm working, I'll pick up some extra hours.

We got this until you get back on your feet.

Why?

Because she's warming you in a storm.

And she's not just warming you with a coffee scarlet, which means it's red, it's covered in the blood of Jesus.

She's a faithful woman.

Hey, God's gonna work this out, God's gonna turn this around, God's gonna put this back together, God's gonna build us up, God's gonna bring favor.

Hey, this is gonna get fixed.

Why?

Because I'm clothed in scarlet, the blood of Jesus covers this house, the blood of Jesus covers these kids.

This is the kind of woman you need.

And this is the kind of woman that's a P31.

This is the kind of woman that shouldn't be alone.

If you're not that kind of woman, you should be alone and take a season and begin to build yourself up.

In other words, are we becoming the person that we are looking for is looking for?

Become the person, become the person, become the person at the beginning of this message.

I asked you a question.

And here's the question I asked you.

I asked you, what are you looking for?

What are you looking for?

And here's the answer to that question.

You're looking for you.

You're what you're looking for.

You're looking for you.

You're looking for you, you're looking to become the person, and you're looking for a person that's like you.

And every person you've ever been with, they're like you.

You're looking for someone.

See, you don't have to worry about finding this person and finding your list, be your list, and you'll get your list.

I am looking to become the person, and when I become the person, I'll always find the person.

Why?

Because I can write down what I want, but I'm gonna attract who I am, I'm gonna attract who I am.

If I become the person, I'll always get the person.

Why?

Because valuable things will always be found.

I remember I was getting ready to buy my wife a vehicle and I called.

And I am quite the negotiator when it comes to buying stuff.

I'm like 300 up until this point.

I took my first hell.

So I called him.

I'm getting ready to negotiate for this vehicle.

I'm like, okay, he gave me the price.

I'm like, okay, well, you know, can we talk it down?

I'm getting ready to go into my picture.

He's like, hey, stop.

He was like, there's no negotiating price is final.

I said, Well, I can go somewhere else and find this car.

He said, No, you can't.

He said, They're rare.

He said, You won't find another one.

I'm like, I've been looking for like nine months, so brother ain't lying.

And he was like, and not only will you not find this, he said, you're lucky because usually the day it comes in, there's a bidding war over it, and people pay overprice.

He said, That hadn't happened yet, but I'm sure by tomorrow a bidding war is gonna take place on this car.

And I went from what kind of discount can I get to send over the paperwork?

Why?

Because something valuable will always be found.

And if you would just take time to be valuable like rubies, be the person that God is calling you to be, be the man that God is calling you to be, be the wife that God's calling you to be, you don't have to worry about looking for a person.

A person is gonna be looking for you.

You don't have to worry about being found.

You will always be found when you're valuable.

It's the cards that's not that's piling up on the lot.

You have to be the person that you're looking for is looking for.

Become valuable if you were the list, you wouldn't have to find have time finding the list because you're gonna attract the list.

So my question is this is it okay to have a list?

Because there's popular teaching, everyone's saying tear up the list, rip the list, erase the list, get rid of the list.

So, should we get rid of the list?

Because this list is actually what kills marriages.

So I see why they say tear up the list, because the list is what kills marriages.

Because when this list that you have in your heart ain't met, you get unmet expectations with certain resentment, which eventually is seeds of divorce.

So, do we tear up the list?

Is it wrong to have the list?

I want to say this.

You don't have to erase the list, you just need to reverse the list.

Because if you would reverse the list instead of what you're looking for, and you would make a list of becoming the person.

And if you would say, I want to be spiritually grounded, I want to be emotionally healthy, I want to be holding my identity, I want to be financially responsible, disciplined, a good communicator, healed from my past, capable of a covenant.

I want to be clear on my purpose and direction and accountable and secure enough to be alone.

If you would actually become the list, you will always get the list.

The greatest way to get the list isn't to write the list, it's to be the list.

Become the person that you're looking for is looking for.

Become the person that you want want.

You're 50% of your marriage.

If anything got 50% better, it would change.

How about you quit writing out what your spouse can do differently and you start writing out what you can do differently?

How can you better serve him?

How can you better love her?

How can you better sacrifice for the person you're with?

The fastest way to fix your marriage isn't to change them, it's to change you.

If you became the person, your marriage gets better every single time.

You can't wait on them to become the person.

You have to become the person, so there's nothing wrong with the list.

The question is, are you becoming the list?

Translation God isn't saying that you have to lower your standards.

What God is saying is you have to be them.

You have to be your standards.

You don't have to erase them, you don't have to lower them.

Just make the standards for you.

And if you would be this, this is what's gonna come looking for you.

When you become the person, you will always find the person because what you're looking for in a person is you, and if you criticize your spouse, I just want you to know you're criticizing yourself because they are you and a relationship.

Listen to me closely, you're only looking for yourself.

Why did God say to Adam?

I will find him a helper comparable to him.

Why?

He's looking for himself, you're only looking for yourself, and you're like, okay, that sounds good.

Give me the Bible.

The Bible says, the two shall become what?

One.

In other words, he said, Y'all become the same person.

The two becomes the same person.

You and your spouse will be the same exact person.

So be careful who you pick, because that's who you're gonna become.

So, what you're looking for is you.

So, what I'm doing is becoming what God wants me to be.

Now, I want to say this and listen to me closely.

This is important, don't miss this.

Some of you guys in here, you've been waiting a while for a person, and you're probably frustrated with God because you're like, God, why haven't you sent my person?

And God says, I haven't sent your person because you haven't became the person.

And if I send your person in a season that you haven't became the person, you're gonna get who you are in that moment.

Which means you are full of bitterness, and if I sent your person, they will be full of bitterness, and now you're gonna have a broken marriage.

So God said, I'm gonna wait for you to get whole, I'm gonna wait for you to get healed, I'm gonna wait for you to be everything I called you to be.

So when I send your person, they're literally you, which means that what you're getting is you.

You crazy, he's gonna be crazy.

You're faithful, he's gonna be faithful.

You're impatient and can't be single, he'll be impatient and can't be single.

You don't know how to handle a covenant, he won't know how either.

You're gonna get you.

Which means if you want to control your marriage, you need to control the person you're becoming.

Everyone, stand to your feet.

Let me pray for you.

Wow, what a powerful message.

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