Forgive One Another | The One Another Way - Ephesians 4:30-32 | Randy Thomas

Well, I'm so glad that you're here today.

Welcome to Silverdale.

My name's Randy.

I'm one of the pastors here if we haven't got a chance to meet.

Get your worship guide out.

If you will, flip it over to the back side and uh love to share with you God's word today.

We are in week number four of this teaching series called The One Another Way.

And here's what we have learned so far in the first four Sundays.

Pastor Tony has taught us that we're to love one another, we are to encourage one another, we're to care for one another.

And what we're gonna learn from Ephesians chapter four today is that we are to forgive one another.

And so that's where we're headed with the message in just a few moments.

This past weekend, or not this weekend, but last weekend, uh my wife and I were gone celebrating our 33rd wedding anniversary, and that's why we weren't here last Sunday.

Thank you.

We were able to get away for a few days and just kind of celebrate that together.

But I was thinking uh in the last 33 years of being married, we have lived in eight different apartments, condos, or houses in the last 33 years.

And every time that we have moved, we have moved boxes that we no longer open or even probably even know what's inside of.

We've got boxes in our attic, in our basement, in our garage that have moved from place to place to place, and we never open them.

We never look inside of them.

They've been taped up, and they say on the side of them, like kids' toys or wedding dress or whatever.

We never open the stuff, but we just move it from place to place to place.

And every time we move, I'll say something to my wife, like, let's get rid of some of this stuff.

And she'll say, You just never know when you're gonna need it again.

And we have hung on to this stuff that we probably, for the most part, a lot of it don't even know what's still in the boxes or the condition that it's in.

This morning I brought from our kitchen our junk drawer.

Anybody got a junk drawer at your house someplace?

Come on, be honest.

Got a junk drawer someplace.

We this is a junk drawer from our kitchen.

And uh, as I kind of look through the junk drawer, there's there's there's all kinds of things in here.

There's there's checks that have been cashed, and I don't know why that they're still in there, but they're still in there.

There's a broken pair of sunglasses that for some reason we don't throw away.

Uh, there's a cord that uh I have absolutely no idea what that goes to, but that's in the junk drawer.

There's a pair of uh um earphones that uh one of them works and one of them doesn't, and I always forget and I get out to cut the grass and I bring these with me, and then I can only hear it in one ear.

And there's all this stuff in the junk drawer, lots of other things.

Now, what I want to go ahead and admit up front is that most of the stuff that's in the junk drawer is from me, okay?

It's it's my fault.

Uh as a matter of fact, a couple weeks ago I told my wife, I said, I'm gonna bring the junk drawer up on stage and I'm gonna talk about it.

And she said, if you blame the junk drawer on me, I'm gonna raise my hand during the middle of your sermon and tell everybody that it's yours.

So it's mine, okay?

Most of the stuff that's in here belongs to me.

There's receipts in here to stuff that we no longer need.

There's warranty papers to appliances that we no longer even have in our house.

I was digging through here the other day as I was looking in here, and there are there are Chuck E.

Cheese coins in the junk drawer.

Listen, my kids are 30 and 26.

It's been a while since we've been to Chuck E.

Cheese.

And we got stuff in the junk drawer that I don't even know.

I mean, there's eye drops in there.

Those are probably expired 20 years ago.

There's no telling, but we we don't get rid of the stuff, we just keep it in there.

And when I look at the junk drawer at our house, this is what I think.

Most of us have a junk drawer in our heart.

If we'd be honest.

Down deep in our heart, there's a junk drawer.

And in the junk drawer of our heart, we keep things that God never intended for us to keep.

Down in the junk drawer of our heart, we find things like what somebody said about me years ago.

In the junk drawer of our hearts, we keep something our spouse did maybe five years, ten years ago, but it's it's down in the junk drawer of our heart.

In the junk drawer of our heart, we keep that time that our boss embarrassed us in front of our coworkers, and it's it's still just down there.

We keep memories of the person that we trusted that betrayed us.

We keep the memory of how that person that we loved walked out on us.

In the junk drawer of our heart, we keep that apology that we believe that we deserve, that we just never got.

And here's the problem.

We tell ourselves that we've put that thing away, kind of like the stuff in my junk drawer.

We tell ourselves that we've put it away, but we've never actually let it go.

And it's kind of like the the junk drawer at my house, or the boxes in my basement, or in my attic, or in my garage.

They're put away, but we've never really let go of them.

There's there's some of you in here today.

There's things that happened in your life at some point, and you've never let it go.

Something that happened years ago.

Maybe you haven't talked about it in years, maybe you don't even think about it that much.

But somebody could say that person's name.

Or someone could mention that place.

And immediately your mind is transported right back to that thing again.

And that thing or that memory, it's it's it's not just a memory in your mind, it's a wound in your heart.

And maybe you've convinced yourself that you've you've pushed it back to a corner of your mind, but you've just never wanted to deal with the idea of forgiveness.

I want you to know this today.

Forgiveness does not erase the memory of what happened to you, but it does change the power that that memory has over you.

The Apostle Paul spends the first three chapters of his letter to the Ephesians talking about who we are and what God has done for us in Christ.

Theology is what the first three chapters are about.

This is what God has done for you in Christ.

But when you get to chapter four of Ephesians, the very first word is the word therefore, and that word matters.

Because Paul is essentially saying this as he launches into chapter four.

Because of what God has done for you through Christ, here's how you should live.

God's done all of this for you, and because God has done all of these things for you, here's how you should live.

And Paul moves from theology to relationships.

Ephesians chapter 4 is it's it's super practical.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

Here's some of the things that Paul teaches us in chapter four.

He says that we're to be humble, we're to be gentle, we're to be patient, we're to bear with each other, we're to speak truth, we're not to let anger control us, we're not supposed to steal, we're to work honestly, we're to build others up with our words, we're not to grieve the Holy Spirit, we're to get rid of bitterness, we're to be kind, we're to forgive.

All of these very, very practical things that Paul talks about in Ephesians chapter 4.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

So Paul isn't talking about forgiveness in a vacuum.

He's teaching us, listen, he's teaching us how those of us whose lives have been changed by Jesus should treat each other.

That's what chapter 4 is all about.

So we get to Ephesians chapter 4, let's look at verse number 31.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

Paul says, get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.

So if those things that he mentioned weren't enough, he says, anything else that's got going on, just get rid of it.

Instead, if you underline or circle or highlight in your Bible, circle underline the word, instead.

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.

And then Paul gives us the standard by which we should do those things.

He said, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

That's the key.

You see, forgiveness isn't based on how much someone deserves it, it's based on how much I've already received.

Now, forgiveness isn't pretending that the person didn't hurt you.

Forgiveness is choosing not to let that thing control who you become.

Because if you refuse to release something, if you refuse to deal with something, it eventually begins to control you.

Get your worship guide out.

Let me show you the target statement for the message today.

This is what I believe God wants to teach us.

Forgiveness isn't excusing what happened, it's refusing to let what happened control what happens next.

Let's say that together because I think that's really, really important.

It's on the screen, it's on your worship guide.

Let's all say it together.

Forgiveness isn't excusing what happened, it's refusing to let what happened control what happens next.

All right, let's look.

Ephesians chapter 4, verse number 31 teaches us this.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

Forgiveness starts by getting rid of bitterness.

That's where it starts.

Paul said in verse number 31, he says, get rid of bitterness.

Now, Paul doesn't say the things, a lot of things that I do.

He doesn't say try to manage it, because I try to manage it.

Sometimes when I'm mad or I'm angry or I'm bitter at someone, I'll just try to manage it.

When I see them, I'll just try to manage it.

I'll try to keep it under control.

I just won't let anybody know.

Paul says he doesn't say try to manage it.

He doesn't say hide it, which I do sometimes.

I just won't let anybody know.

It's down deep inside.

I'll just he doesn't say try to hide it.

He doesn't say don't talk about it.

What does he say?

He says, get rid of it.

Get rid of bitterness.

Now, the Greek word where we get the word bitterness carries this idea.

It carries the idea of something that corrodes from the inside out.

And that's why bitterness is so important.

Why this is so dangerous.

The person that hurt you may not even know that you're carrying it and is corroding you from the inside out.

And bitterness gives yesterday's pain authority over today's life.

But forgiveness takes that authority away.

Bitterness is what happens when the pain of what someone did to you gets preserved on the inside.

And the event happened way back then or a long time ago, but the power of that and the bitterness keeps it present in your life today.

Now, here's an important distinction that I don't want you to miss.

Bitterness isn't just simply being hurt.

You can be deeply hurt without becoming bitter.

Bitterness is when the hurt begins to shape the way that you are and the person that you are and the situation and the way that you see yourself and even the way that you see God.

Think about this.

Have you ever been just kind of going through your day with your cell phone and you notice my battery's running down a lot faster than what it normally does?

I mean, I haven't been doing anything different than what I normally do, but every time I look down, my battery's just going down and down and down.

What's going on?

I mean, and it can get frustrating.

You plug it in, then you unplug it, and you notice the battery's just going down.

What's going on?

I've had that happen before, and this is what I found out.

There was either an app in the background that was running constantly that I didn't realize that I had going, or the refresh was on and it just kept refreshing and renewing apps that needed to be updated.

And all of that was going on in the background, and I didn't even realize it, and it was running down the battery.

Can I tell you that's exactly what bitterness does?

It's like an app that's running in the background of your life, and it just keeps running and it's running, and you may not even realize it, but it's ruining your life.

You may not even be talking about what's happened anymore, but somewhere in the background, the offense is still running.

And eventually you wonder, why am I running out of energy?

Why do I not have enough left for the people in my life that matter the most?

It's exactly what bitterness does.

It takes the energy that God intended you to spend on building your future, and it makes you spend it on replaying the past.

Isn't that crazy?

When my kids are little, we'd be driving someplace on a trip, and I'd be driving and on the interstate, definitely going faster than what I was supposed to be, and I'm driving, and my kids in the back seat and they're fussing with each other, and they're picking at each other and they're poking each other, and I would start finding myself doing the things that my dad did.

You know, don't make me pull this car over, don't make me come back there, and they know you're not coming back here.

But what would I do?

I'm driving and I'm looking up in the rear view mirror, watching them.

And I'm trying to keep my eye on them, and I'm trying to keep my eye on the road, and I keep my eye on them, and they're poking and they're fussing with each other.

Listen, you can't go very far safely by keep looking in the rearview mirror.

And I can't keep my eye on my kids in the backseat fussing with each other while I'm driving in front of me, and that's exactly what bitterness does to us.

It takes something that happened in the past and it keeps you looking back, looking back while you need to be moving forward.

The person that hurt you, they may have moved on, but the situation's not over in your mind.

The conversation may have happened years ago, but bitterness keeps you looking up in the rear view mirror of life, and eventually you're gonna crash into something.

That's why Paul says you've got to get rid of bitterness.

Now, I want us to make it really practical.

Look there on your notes.

There's some questions.

If if you say, you know what, Randy, I'm like you.

I deal with bitterness towards somebody that hurt me.

Maybe it's still refreshing in the background.

Ask yourself some questions.

And I put these on there so that you could take them home and remember them.

Here's some questions.

Who am I still angry with?

Not just in general, but their name.

And I want you to think about who am I still angry with?

Why, what am I still replaying?

What conversation, what betrayal, what moment, what am I still replaying in my mind?

What am I hoping that they will eventually understand?

You know, we we do that a lot of times.

I wish that they would just finally see what they did to me.

I wish that they would apologize.

I wish they would pay me back.

I wish they wish, I wish, I wish.

What are you hoping that they will understand?

Am I still rehearsing the offense?

You see, sometimes we don't just remember what happened, we keep rehearsing it.

We keep playing it over and over and over and over and over again in our mind.

And every time that we do that, those emotions they strengthen.

Then ask yourself this question: What would it look like for me to release this to God?

What would it look like if I said, God, this is no longer mine, this is yours.

Corey Tinboom said this forgiveness is an act of the will.

And the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.

See, sometimes we wait until we feel forgiving.

You ever been there?

I just don't feel like forgiving.

I hear people say that all the time.

I know I need to forgive, but I just don't feel like it.

Sometimes forgiveness begins with a decision long before it begins, it ends with a feeling or an emotion.

So Paul says we got to get rid of bitterness.

Here's number two.

Forgiveness means choosing kindness over revenge.

And some of you right now are saying, I'm I'm out.

I'm out.

Kindness over revenge, I'm out.

But he says, instead, that's the word that we want to look at.

Paul says, get rid of bitterness, but instead be kind to each other.

Paul gives us a replacement strategy.

Get rid of bitterness, but instead be kind.

And here's the reason: you can't just simply stop being angry.

You can't just simply say, okay, I'm not angry anymore.

Okay, I'm not bitter anymore.

You gotta replace it with something.

You've got to put something in its place.

I want you to think about something with me.

Every time that someone hurts you, every time someone does something that just really gets you going.

And you choose bitterness, you choose unforgiveness.

Please don't miss this.

You are handing that person the remote control to your emotions.

When they hurt you and you say, I'm gonna be bitter at them.

They hurt you and you say, I'm not gonna forgive you.

You are handing them the remote control to your emotions.

They say something hurtful to you, click, I'm mad.

They post something on Facebook, click, I'm mad.

They ignore you, they're in control of your emotions.

They didn't invite you to that party, they're in control of your emotions.

And some of us in here in this room, we have given the remote control of our emotions to people in our lives that have hurt us.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is taking the remote back.

And it's saying, you're no longer in control of my emotions.

So let me make it practical.

I want to make this point very practical.

Because you say, Randy, it's a whole lot easier to get up there and preach than it is to live.

I know.

So here's what I want you to do.

I want you to choose to pray before you say.

Okay?

It's easy to remember.

Choose to pray before you say.

Instead of retaliating against that person, I want you to pray.

Before you send that mean text, you can get the draft going, but before you hit send, pray and say, God, should I send this?

Before you post it, God should I post this?

Before you confront that person, pray about it.

Before you go and tell somebody else what they did, pray about it.

Instead of talking about them, talk to them.

If it's appropriate and if it's safe, go directly to them.

Matthew 18 gives us the biblical pattern for dealing with relational conflict.

Instead of asking this question, which is what we ask most of the time, what do they deserve?

Instead of asking that, ask this question.

How would I want someone to act towards me if I was the offender?

That'll change it.

Rather than saying what do they deserve, say, How would I want someone to respond to me if I was the offender?

It's a whole different mindset.

C.S.

Lewis said this everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.

We all think forgiveness is great until we need to show it.

Here's number three.

Forgiveness isn't based on what they deserve, it's based on what Christ has done.

Most of the time we give forgiveness based on whether we think someone deserves it, but Paul says that's not how it goes.

Look at verse number 32.

Paul says, forgiving one another just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Now notice again, Paul doesn't say forgive them because they apologized.

He doesn't say you're to forgive because they deserve it.

He doesn't say forgive because they've changed.

Paul says we're to forgive because we have been forgiven.

I want you to lean in and listen for just a second.

I want to remind us all of something this morning.

You and I are not the innocent party in every story.

As much as we like to think that we are, we're not.

There have been plenty of times in my life where I've needed somebody to forgive me.

You said things that you shouldn't.

I've made wrong assumptions about people.

We've all been selfish.

We've all been insensitive.

We've all been angry and unkind and untruthful.

And somehow, in the middle of all of that, God looked at you and he looked at me.

And he said, I forgive you.

One of Jesus' followers named Peter.

He came to Jesus one day and he asked him a question about forgiveness.

And rather than just answering his question, Jesus told a story.

I love how Jesus does that.

He told a story.

And the story that Jesus told went something like this.

He said there was a there was a king and there was someone that owed this king an enormous amount of money.

I mean, more money than the guy could ever pay back in a thousand lifetimes, could never pay the money back.

And so the guy comes to the king and he begs for some sort of relief, some sort of forgiveness, and the king just forgives it all, the entire debt.

He forgives everything that the guy owes him.

I mean, just an incredible amount of money.

And so the guy that had been forgiven this huge debt, he goes out and he finds someone that owed him just a little bit of money.

And he says to the guy, You owe me this money, and the guy just begs for mercy and he says, No, no mercy for you.

And he he has him thrown in prison.

And when the king finds out what had happened, he he says to this guy that had been forgiven so much, he said, I forgave you this whole debt.

Shouldn't you have had mercy and forgiveness on someone else?

And Jesus' point in the story was this is when we understand how much God has forgiven us.

It should change the way that we forgive other people.

Now, at this point in the sermon, a lot of us are thinking and saying this.

Sounds great, Randy, but um you don't know what they did to me.

And I don't.

But Jesus' intent in telling this story was never to minimize what happened to you.

The intent was to remind you and to remind me of how much God has forgiven us.

Again, let me try to make this practical.

I've put on your notes under this point a prayer of forgiveness.

I put it on your notes because I want you to be able to go back to it.

I want you to be able to look at it.

This may be something that you have to pray on a daily basis for a while.

But we can pray something like this.

God, I release my right to revenge.

I choose to let you be the judge so that I don't feel the need to be.

God, your forgiveness of my offenses against you is greater than the forgiveness that I have refused to give.

You may need to say that.

You may need to say that often.

Now, I think it's very, very important that I say this at this point in the message.

Forgiveness does not mean that there aren't consequences for the offense.

It doesn't mean that maybe you have to go right to trusting that person again.

It doesn't mean that you allow abuse to happen in your life.

It doesn't mean that it what it does mean is that you give up the right to bitterness and you give up the right to revenge.

Not because the person deserves it, but because of how much God has already forgiven you.

Let me be crystal clear.

Forgiveness does not equal trust.

You can forgive someone without trusting them again.

Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation.

Reconciliation takes two people.

Forgiveness only takes one.

And forgiveness doesn't mean that there are no consequences.

A person can be forgiven and still experience the consequences of their actions.

But forgiveness releases the person, listen, from my judgment, but it doesn't necessarily release them from the consequences of their choices.

And I think that's important for us to hear.

Here's number four, and I'll be done.

Forgiveness frees you to become the person that God created you to be.

Too many of us were caught up in bitterness, we're caught up in anger, and we're not able to become who God's created us to be.

But forgiveness releases us to do that.

Let's go back to verse number 30.

Paul said, do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way that you live.

Paul connects, don't miss this.

Paul connects our relational behavior with our relationship with God.

That's huge.

Bitterness and anger and hatred towards someone else doesn't just affect my relationship with them, it affects my spiritual life as well.

Too many of us.

We've been carrying around a backpack.

And that backpack has been full of betrayal.

It's been full of resentment and anger and hatred and all of the different things that we've walked through.

We've been carrying these things, these heavy rocks.

We've been wearing them ever since that thing took place.

And here's the craziness.

Listen, the person that hurt you is not the one carrying the backpack.

It's you.

And many times they don't even know that you're carrying it.

And you've been walking around and you've been trying to do life with this backpack of resentment and hatred and bitterness.

And some of us, we've gotten so accustomed to carrying the backpack that we've forgotten what it feels like to walk in freedom.

You see, forgiveness isn't primarily about setting that person free.

Sometimes it's about setting me free.

We've all had somebody in our lives hurt us.

And if we've all, if we'll all be honest, we've all put that person on trial.

We've gathered evidence.

We've replayed the testimony.

We've presented the case.

And we've declared them guilty.

And maybe even God has said, yep, they're guilty.

And we say, Finally, somebody else agrees with me.

They're guilty.

Even God knows that they're guilty.

And then God says this.

Now you step out of the judge's seat.

That's forgiveness.

You're not saying that they're innocent.

You're saying that I'm not the judge.

Romans 12, verse number 19 says this never take revenge.

Leave that to the righteous anger of God.

I want to invite you to do something with me real quick.

If you have something in your hands, would you just put them down for a second?

Just get everything out of your hands and just set it next to you on the floor.

I'm asking everybody to do this.

We've done this exercise before, and I believe that it's extremely helpful.

I want you to make two fists with your hands, just like this.

Make two fists and then just rest them in your lap, just like that.

Hold on tight because those two fists they represent that hurt, that bitterness, that anger, that thing that was done.

Just hold on to them tight, just rest them on your lap.

Now I'm gonna invite you to pray a prayer with me of forgiveness.

So would you bow your head and will you close your eyes with me for just a second?

I don't want you to say it out loud, I just want you to say it directly to God.

I want you to say this, God, you know what happened.

You know what they did, you know what it cost me.

You know how deeply it hurt.

I can't pretend it didn't happen.

But I'm choosing not to carry it anymore.

Right now, I give it to you, and as you say those words, I want you to just open up your hands.

Symbolically, you're just letting it go.

You can feel it.

You can feel the backpack drop.

Just let it go.

Look up here at me for just a second.

Paul said this.

Forgive one another.

Just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Yes, somebody hurt you.

But they don't get to decide who you become because of it.

They may have taken something from you in your past, but they don't get to decide your future.

Forgiveness doesn't change your past, but it does change the future.

So this is what I want you to do.

I want you to get rid of bitterness.

I want you to take everything that's in that junk drawer.

I want you to throw it away.

You don't need it.

I want you to take the backpack and I want you to get rid of it.

I want you to take the remote control back.

I want you to get out of the judge's seat.

And I want you to choose to do as Paul said.

Forgive one another.

Just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Heavenly Father, today, this is a difficult message.

Because just about every single one of us in this room could raise our hand and say, Yes, I've I've been hurt.

Yes, there's somebody in my life, there's something that happened, there's some place that I've been that it's just not a memory, it's a wound.

But today, we choose to let it go.

Today I'm dumping out the junk drawer.

Today I'm taking back the remote.

Today I'm getting out of the judge's seat.

Today I'm getting rid of that backpack.

I'm gonna live in freedom.

The next few moments we're gonna sing a song of response.

I believe it all across this room, all across this room.

Gotta be folks that are just letting it go.

Just letting it go.

We're gonna have encouragers down front, folks that would love to pray with you and pray for you.

If you want to come pray with someone, you could come do that.

If you want to kneel down by yourself, if you just want to stay in your seat, you can do that.

But during these next few moments, you just let it go, let that thing go.

Say, God, I'm gonna live in freedom.

I'm not gonna let this control me anymore.

I want to invite you to stand up right where you are.

Our encouragers are getting in their place, they're coming down front, the band's coming behind me to sing.

This is our time to obey what God's told us to do.