Culture of Belonging | Acts 2:42-47 | Coleton Segars

Teaching text for today is uh Acts 2, verses 42 through 47.

Acts 2:42–47

This is what Luke writes.

He said, The disciples they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.

Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles.

All the believers were together and had everything in common.

They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.

Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts.

They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people.

And the Lord added to their number daily those who are being saved.

This is the word of the Lord.

As a church, over the last few weeks, we've been w walking through just our vision as a church, where we're headed as a church, and our vision is to see, we want to see the fame and deeds of God repeated in our time.

And the way that we're aiming at that, aiming at that is seeking to develop followers of Jesus, students of Jesus, practitioners of Jesus' way.

Because I believe that if you're going to experience the fame and deeds of God, the only way that you're going to do that is by actually following the man where those things come from.

And so we want to see the fame and deeds repeated in our time.

The last couple of weeks, we've been looking at the cultures that we want to have as a church.

And so I said this last week, but if you think about our vision as something that we want to grow and grow towards, the cultures are really just environments that kind of surround the thing that you want to grow.

You need a good environment for those things to grow in.

And so we've been looking at just different environments that we hope to build and develop even more here so that the vision has the best opportunity to grow.

And so a couple of weeks ago we talked about that we want a culture that's saturated with the gospel.

The good news and the message of Jesus' great love for us.

We want a culture for that because people are transformed by this message.

Paul says it's the power of God to transform us into, to lead us into salvation and then to transform us into everything that has for us.

And so we want a culture saturated with that so that we experience that deeper and deeper and deeper into our lives, so that we understand that.

Then we talked about that we want a culture of pursuit here.

We don't just want to be a church that has heard of the great things that God has done, but we actually want to experience those things in our time, and God responds to being wanted.

In many ways, he waits to be wanted.

And so we want not just to sit there and be like, I don't know, he's gonna do whatever he's gonna do anyways.

It's like, no, no, no, that's not true according to the scriptures.

He responds to those who seek him, and all of the scriptures testify to that.

And so we want to pursue him, we want to pursue those things from him.

And then last week we talked about a culture of blessing, which Rainey alluded to a little bit earlier.

Um, because according to a culture of blessing, because according to the scriptures, God has been searching for a people to bless the earth.

And Jesus was the son to come and bless the earth.

And now those who are in Christ, who are a part of his family, are brought into this family of God, and now he has sons and daughters again that he wants to use to bless the earth.

And so talked about how we want to develop that here so that you understand your unique calling as a Christian, um, but also that you understand your unique gifting by the Holy Spirit Himself and the things that he's placed in your heart and life.

Um, and then we want to give you space to do that thing.

And so TJ using his camera, he's like, hey man, I got a camera and I love this church and I want to just pour out blessing on this church by doing this thing.

I'm like, bring it.

That's great.

I love it.

Um, and so we talked about that last week.

And then this week, we are gonna talk about a culture of belonging, which we've said a lot.

Um, it's why we do a number of the things that we do, but I want to unpack what I really mean by that.

Um, my energy is gonna be a little lower today, it might pick up.

Um, but I'm just I'm like in the middle of a thing that's like wrapped around my face, and I can't figure out how to do it.

So you're not supposed to tell people that you're sick while you're preaching, but I you we're family, so we're cool.

Um but I want to talk about a culture of belonging.

I want to quickly tell you um just what I mean by that, because I have this idea in my mind of what I mean by a culture of belonging.

Um I don't quickly tell you what I mean by that.

Uh, then tell you why I believe that we need it and why I want it, and then I want to talk about how we're aiming at it and how you can help build it.

Okay, so those those things.

Um, culture of belonging.

What I mean when I say that, when I'm like, this is what I want.

Um, what I mean is I want a culture, I want an environment to exist inside this church that is so welcoming, so loving, and so hospitable that it feels like the feel of the room is what it must have been like to meet Jesus face to face.

I want to get as close as we possibly can to like I walked into a room and experienced so much love, so much welcome and so much hospitality in a space that worked for me.

Because I know introverts need that a little bit differently, extroverts need that very differently than that.

And so I walked into a space and experienced what it must have been like, as close as I possibly could, to what it must have been like to meet Jesus face to face.

And the reason I want that, so that's what I'm thinking of, the reason I want that is because when you look through the scriptures, there are these moments of healing that Jesus does in people's lives that have nothing to do with a miracle.

He doesn't miraculously, it's not, it's not their ears or body parts or eyes that they're healing.

There's healing that's taking place, but it's it's nothing miraculous.

There's something internally that's being put back together.

There's something that's he spends time with these people, you see something just shifting and changing, and it's brokenness that's healed in their heart, but it's not an external miracle that other people are actually able to see.

You're just able to like infer it from the experience.

And so, for example, these moments of healing that aren't really miraculous.

Two weeks ago we looked at Zacchaeus.

And if you think about Zacchaeus' story, Zacchaeus has this, he's a tax collector, uh shunned by all the people, all these different things, and making a ton of money and just living his life.

And then he has this experience with Jesus, where Jesus meets him, calls him down, talks to him, notices him, invites himself over to Zacchaeus' house, which was a huge honor and a way of extending friendship.

And like from that experience, Zacchaeus repents of all of his stealing and the way that he has swindled people and stuff like that, gives a ton of money back over than what he's supposed to actually give back to people he's stolen from.

And he's doing all this stuff, and like Jesus has never commanded him once to do any of that.

It was just the encounter with Jesus of like, no one likes me.

I'm up in a tree trying to see something because everybody hates my guts and I can't see anything.

And Jesus notices him when everybody else is trying not to notice him.

Jesus talks to him when everybody else is trying not to talk to him.

And like something about that experience of like just looking into Jesus' eyes and hearing his voice and experiencing the welcome of Jesus and the love of Jesus, it just radically transformed who this man was.

And there's no miracle that takes place, there's no power being exerted that people see.

Actually, people scoff at Jesus doing this.

But it leads him to repentance, and it's not because Jesus commanded him to repent, it just something shifted in his heart, something healed in his heart.

It's what Paul would say like it's it's his loving kindness that leads to repentance.

It's God's loving kindness that leads us to repentance.

That's what happened in Zacchaeus' life.

You see the same thing with Matthew, the tax collector who wrote the Gospel of Matthew.

He's a tax collector.

He chose at one point to abandon his people, he's a traitor to his people.

And then all of a sudden, Jesus wants him.

He lives in a culture where no one wants him.

The Romans don't want him because they're oppressing the Jewish people.

They just kind of need him or using him for something.

And the Jewish people around him don't want him.

So he's in a culture where he's not wanted by either side, and Jesus walks up and is like, I want you.

I want you to be with me and not just with me.

I want you to follow me.

I want to make your life into something that will live on forever.

That's what I want.

And so he's all of a sudden in a culture, in a surrounding, in an environment where no one wants me, Jesus walks up and wants Matthew.

And Matthew's like, I, okay, I'll leave all my money, I'll leave all my wealth, I'll leave this whole thing, and I'm gonna shift everything and go back into this culture that has rejected me.

I'm gonna go back into this space where people still might scoff at me and stuff like that.

But I just want to be wherever you are.

And so his whole life is upended, and Matthew's life is completely changed.

The woman at the well in John 4, you all remember that story, she's like at the well at noon, hiding from her people.

She's dealing with a bunch of shame and a bunch of different things that are going on in her life, trying to make sure that she's isolated from everybody so that no one's able to talk to her.

She doesn't want to talk to anybody and nobody wants to talk to her.

She wants to be completely alone and she is.

And then Jesus is sitting there thirsty and has this question, like, I'd like something to drink.

And he begins this conversation with her that ultimately changes her story completely.

And instead of hiding and running away from her people, she actually runs back into town, not hiding what all the different things that she's done and how many men she's slept with and all those different things.

Now she's announcing those things to the to the group and to her community and saying, Come see the man who knows everything about me and hasn't rejected me.

Come see this guy.

And so instead of hiding and in shame, she's now like announcing her shame out, but announcing it as glory.

He has literally turned her shame into glory.

He's done an amazing thing in her life and completely changed her story and changed her life.

And to me, we don't need to miss the fact that most of what happens in these spaces is not because Jesus was either telling them to do that or doing, performing some huge miracle.

The things that changed and happened in their lives was just from an encounter, meeting him, meeting this man, looking at his eyes and the way that he looked at me, hearing his voice and the way that he talked to me, experiencing a welcome and a love and a non-condemnation spirit, like just being in the presence of Jesus.

There was something about that that was so substantially different that it healed something in their heart, and they were made new in a moment just by spending time with him.

And I think that's so incredible because I like as you as you look at this thing, and it's like there's there's these environments that existed in Jesus' time, or he could just spend time with people and it led them to repentance.

He could spend time with people, and he didn't he didn't heal them miraculously or anything like that.

It just but it but it still changed their lives.

It still led people who were hiding to actually come out of hiding and go, I don't have to hide anymore.

I'm accepted by the only one that truly matters, and so I don't need to hide anymore.

And it was just by time spent with him.

And so for us as a church, I want a church where that kind of thing is possible, where people can, where we have this environment where it's possible where people walk in and something is pieced back together in their heart just by being in a room of people that don't judge them, condemn them, hate them, where they're not fearful to share about their problems or their doubts or their struggles because they're like, I'm not nervous about that because I know that I will be loved here and not condemned here.

Because I think there's something to this that Jesus experiences with these people and they experience with him.

It's like, man, sitting with him just radically transforms something in my heart and in my life.

And I want that for us as well.

Now, I want the miraculous weird stuff too.

I want that too.

Don't get me wrong.

I want that.

I want the fame and deeds in our time.

But I also really believe that there's some relational whole healing thing that can happen in our heart just by being in a space where it's like, this is what it was like to be in the presence of Jesus.

And I would love a space where people experience such a loving environment, so much safety that it repairs something in them.

Where people who like come in with anxieties and have anxieties, but then those anxieties are overwhelmed by other people like jumping in to their lives and helping in their lives, and their anxieties are overridden by people who are like, I'm just willing to help you, and so you don't have to lean on those anxieties, you can actually lean on us.

I want to uh to have a space where fears of lonely loneliness and um depression or all those things, like no longer plague a person because they know like I'm gonna be brought in.

I don't have to worry.

Like, if I'm going to this new space, I don't have to worry.

The things that I'm rejected for out there, I don't have to be worried that I'm gonna be rejected for those things in here, and so that those things are gone.

I want a place where the sins that people used to struggle with, or they'd lean on for comfort when they're in a in a hard spot, like they no longer have to lean on those things as crutches anymore because now they can lean on other people who bear that burden with them and actually help them and hold them accountable to something and help them live into something better.

Where people get the help that they need again because they're not scared to ask for help.

So many people are scared to ask for, like, here's what I actually need, but I'm nervous to ask for that thing because if I tell you what I actually need, you're gonna know what I'm actually going through.

And it's like, man, there's gotta be a space that exists where you can actually say those things, and it's not just in the framework of a counseling session.

That's great.

But there also has to be a community around you that knows those things that are going on in your life, and you can say those things without fear of like, what will they think of me if?

I'd love for that to die and to die here, where people don't ever feel that way.

They have a group that's like, I know, I can share those things, me too.

He's excited.

I love it.

People who struggle with self-worth and self-confidence have in this space, though, they have words of life spoken over them to where their self-deprecating thoughts are replaced with thoughts of worth and value.

Like, I matter here.

And they're pieced back together, and who they should have been, and who they could have been, that was destroyed or in disrepair based on their childhood or other things.

Like in the church, those things are put back together, and people are put back together inside the church.

That's what I want.

A space where people encounter incredible community that ultimately heals something in their hearts and in their lives.

And I believe that it's possible, mainly because there's research that aligns to it, and also you see it in the scriptures.

But one of the research that I came across uh years ago, but it's uh Alex Lurza, he's this addiction therapist, and he talks about the idea of like connection and community being so vital to our lives that it actually heals things within us, and he talks about it in the area of addiction.

And so in the 50s, 19 in the 50s, um, they did this study about addiction, and they were trying to figure out you know, how does addiction work and that kind of thing.

And so, what they did is they had a rat, and they had a bunch of rats, but they had a rat and they put this rat in a cage, and then they would put water, and then they put like drug water in the cage.

And some of you have heard this uh before.

But that's what they did.

And they had one rat doing those things, and just like, all right, let's see what happens.

And consistently, what would happen is the rat, oh yeah, we got some images here.

Consistently, the rat loved the drug water, big fan, huge.

They would drink the drug water, then become addicted to the drug water, uh, they would overdose and they would die.

And one by one, so that rat died, grabbed it, he's done, put another rat in there, see what happens, and just on and on and on in the 50s.

This was the research.

Every rat died.

Every rat overdosed and died.

And so that the idea was, um, the conclusion of the research was the only way to prevent addiction is sobriety.

Just you have to remove the substance.

That's the only way to prevent addiction.

And then in the 70s, this Canadian psychologist Bruce Alexander did new research, and he was like, hey, this isn't really the proper way that rats interact in a community and things like that.

This is not an environment that they're normally in.

Let's place them in an environment they're normally in and then see what happens.

And so, next slide here, they put them uh in a they put a bunch of rats in a cage and they called it rat park.

And uh they put like tunnels and balls and food and other different things like that, and so a bunch of rats, they could play together and whatever, do the rat thing that they do.

And so that's what they did.

And what was interesting is they watched the rats interact and do those things, and inside of Rat Park, um, what was noticed was hardly any of the rats ever used the drug water.

It was still there.

The drug water was there and the regular water was there.

Hardly any of the rats even used the drug water, none of them obsessed over it or became addicted to it, and none of them died due to overdose.

And so all of a sudden you had this completely different shift of things where everyone's dying in this isolated bit, and then no one doing it here, and they're actually disinterested in it completely.

And so the result of the research was the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety.

The opposite of addiction clearly is connection.

There's something about being connected with a community of people, even rats with balls and tunnels.

Um, like there's something about that that's like, honestly, this gets in the way.

This addicted thing, this gets in the way of what I'm actually enjoying here.

And so if this gets in the way, I'm just gonna avoid that thing because what I value the most is this particular thing.

And so the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety.

The opposite of addiction is connection.

And so that's why, I mean, not just that, but like there's something healing about having a connection and a community that exists here in a space where you actually feel like I don't, I'm not just be people aren't just nice to me there.

I belong there.

There's something in this space for me that like I belong in that spot.

And so because I belong among those people, I actually experience something healing that's actually taking place in my heart and in my life.

And to me, we need that.

We all need that.

We're all gonna deal with something either today, yesterday, or tomorrow.

Like at some point, we're gonna be dealing with some of these things, and you need people to walk alongside you in those spaces because it's not just nice to call ourselves Christ community church.

We have community in our name.

That's fine.

But like there's actually something important about being in a space where it's like, but it is a community that I belong to, and there's something healing about it.

And so I want a culture of belonging for those reasons where people know that like I know that I'm loved, I feel loved.

It's not just something that's fake, but I know it.

I know that I'm in this space where I'm loved.

I believe that's what people experienced when they met Jesus because the people who met him, spending time with his presence, something healed, brokenness was put back together.

They wanted to be better people in his presence.

Not because he was condemning him, it was just like, man, just something about you was healing something in their heart just by spending time with him.

And so I want that thing.

I want that kind of stuff for a community like ours.

Um I like what Rainey said.

It's like, I don't know if it's true at other spaces, and I I shouldn't judge that, um, even though I do from time to time, and that's an issue I have.

Um but we can do it here, or at least we can aim at it and make it a value and say, like, hey, you know, until I die, I'm gonna aim at this thing and try and make it to be a space where people enter in.

And I've had all these people, you know, I get all these, your pastor, and so you get all these emails from different organizations, like, here's how to get 200 more people to show up at your church, which I normally delete those because they're all stupid.

Um, but many of them are like, here's a new system in place to make sure that your new guests become consistent givers in your church and da-da-da-da.

And like this system of like this pipeline of getting from from brand new guests in the parking lot to you know, someone in your church and that kind of stuff.

And the all of it is how do I get this person to do something for me in my church?

All of the emails are basically that.

And I hate that because I'm like, one, if pastors are reading that, they're becoming uh they're becoming people who take in information that like the only reason that people show up at your church, the only reason they exist is to get them from here to here so that your church survives.

And that's all about us and very little about the people.

And so for us, like, we're not trying to break barriers with numbers.

I mean, like, you know, I like there's nothing like that.

But I do really want a community and I want a space where people can enter.

And then they really do have the best possible opportunity to be like, what was what was it like to meet Jesus?

Like, it's gotta be what it was like to walk through the doors of Shady Grove Elementary School.

Like, it has to be something like that.

I just want that, not because they'll stay here, but because something will heal in their hearts over time if they spend time here.

And whether they stay here or go out there, healed people will leave here and go do stuff out in the streets.

That broken people, when they go out in the streets and do stuff, they they spread brokenness versus the healing bit.

And so I want that for us, not so that we you know expand our numbers and have this stuff.

Like, I don't care.

I like what we got.

Um, but I do want that because I needed that.

I needed that space as a kid growing up, like from really from like three to you know 18 or whatever, but like I needed a space where I could be very honest about all the stuff that was going on in my life and everything that I was dealing with, and the doubts that I had about every single thing and the struggles I had with my parents being divorced and just every single like I needed and I did not have that thing.

And I was terrified to go inside the church because it was like they're brutal, like they're mean, they're judgmental, and they're all boring.

Good Lord.

Like they're just the worst.

Like, I don't want to become anything like that.

And let and yet then I then I start reading the scriptures, I'm like, where was Jesus?

Like, why was no one showing me that this dude was legit?

Like he's for like this is great.

He's awesome.

Why was no one like showing because people need that, and I needed that thing.

And so as much as we possibly can to aim at that thing, I want that.

Not because then we're gonna have these front seats filled.

I'm like, I don't care, just get rid of the chairs, we'll be fine.

But like, I just but like if people could actually feel that thing, who are misunderstood out there, could be well, you're misunderstood in here, but honestly, we want you anyways.

Like that, like I just I would love that.

So, how we're aiming at that, that was not in my notes, but here's how we're aiming at that.

Ways they're aiming at that.

One uh or a couple, well, like a women's connection team, go to the next slide here.

Uh, women's connection team, men's connection team.

This is just volunteers in our church that were like, look, we're just we want to make people feel as connected as possible to get to meet.

Again, not to grow our numbers, but just because we just want to hear people's story, get them connected, and if they get connected at this church, what a gift.

If we find that a better, another church out there would better meet their needs, good, send them that way and get them connected there.

I have plenty of pastors and friends in different churches that we know, that's great.

But like, we wanted people that are just friendly and kind, that could be a first step.

And like, you remind me of Jesus, and I just want you to go in in their lives and do that thing.

And so if you're a guest here or anything like that, uh, we have a women's connection team, a men's connection team that seeks to take you out for no other reason other than just to get to know you, hear your story.

And if we never see you again, we loved paying for your meal uh or your coffee or your you know, one time I went out was old fashioned, which was pretty good.

Boy, that's like two people that laughed at that.

Okay.

Women's connection team, men's connection team.

Men's, women's youth events, these things, we don't do events because we have to, or because like it's a church, we've got to do events.

Like we actually do these events to want to get to know you better.

We want those things to take place.

Like we wanna, we want to do the golfing thing, even though Rainey has no idea what a scramble is.

Like we want to, we want to do that.

Um and Kelsey plans incredible events, and Ella plans incredible events.

And again, it's not because like we have to meet a quota.

It's just like, let's get to know people.

And we just want to do that.

And so there's no, you know, show up having read three chapters of Ezekiel.

It's just show up and I don't know, eat some food, drink some drinks, play some cornhole, make a candle.

I can't remember what Kelsey's doing next.

Like, y'all women do different things than men do.

But like show up and just enjoy yourselves, it'll be fun.

Couple of things that we're adding this year.

Uh, so those are some of the things that we do to try and aim at that.

We also do the greeting time.

I mean, obviously those things, but a couple of things we're adding this year is uh one, we're adding membership to our church.

Um we see this in the teaching text.

Um, let's go go to the next slide here.

We see this in the teaching text.

These believers, they membership comes from this idea.

They committed themselves first, not to a pastor, but they committed themselves, not to an apostle, they committed themselves to a teaching.

The scriptures, they committed themselves to that.

They committed themselves to teaching, to doctrines.

Um, this is how we're going to interact with Jesus, this is what we're gonna believe about him, this is gonna shape how we treat one another.

And so they committed themselves to teaching and doctrines around who Jesus is and then what that means about how we should treat one another.

And then they committed themselves to one another as well.

And so this was a huge piece of like their time together.

They committed themselves to practices together.

We talk about practicing the way of Jesus.

They committed to prayer and to the breaking of bread, communion.

They committed to taking communion and doing that every single time they were together.

But they did those things and they committed together.

And so we want a space where we can commit together.

I'm thrilled that we have guests here almost every week, and everyone's welcome in this space.

But I also would love to have this thing that exists inside the church where other people understand, like, oh, you're committed to me and I'm committed to you, and we have agreed on that expectation and we understand what those things mean, versus we get a new guest in here and you go up to them for prayer or to meet your needs or something like that, and like, hey man, I just got here.

Uh, and like we don't, I you know, we shouldn't hold other people to the expectations that other people like, I haven't committed to that.

But those that have, like, I'm committed to actually stepping into your story, into your life.

We did this at baptism last week, or Ella and everybody was asking, like, you know, are you choosing to follow Jesus before you get baptized?

Yes, I am.

Church, are you committing to follow, to walk alongside this person?

Because they cannot do it alone.

Yes, we are.

And so doing those things as well.

And then if you notice inside this idea, they committed together to care for one, they committed to doctrines about Jesus, and then they committed to one another.

And then if you notice, there's no miracle that takes place in this thing.

There's no miracle here, but yet people's needs are met.

People are cared for, they have everything, they share things in common and people have their needs met.

And it's like, there's no miraculous thing, it's just people committed to one another.

And then all of a sudden, needs were met in the lives of other people.

And so those are things that we want as well.

So we want to create a space for that.

That'll be coming up in October.

Um the next one is we're hiring a women's pastor, a full-time women's pastor.

Uh, that'll happen next year in 2026.

Um, we just see a need in the life of our church.

And as much as we love the women's connection team, and as much as I love Kelsey planning the events and things like that, all of us in a conversation really agree that one of the things that we need in the life of our church is not just a man caring for the men's needs in the life of our church, but we need a woman with a full-time role of going, I want to shepherd, care for, pour into the women of this church and the people that I want to disciple them, care for them, shepherd them.

I want to do all those different things and to give them that role so that they can do that.

As much as I want to like care for every single person in this church, I do that better with the men than I can with the women.

And so we need somebody to step into that role.

And so uh just as a group of elders and as a group of staff, we saw this need and wanted to figure out a way to address it.

And so we'll be hiring this person.

We actually started a process two weeks ago with an organization that works with churches to search nationwide for someone to actually step into different roles based on their needs, and so um we started that two weeks ago, uh, which is great.

So uh very excited about both those things.

I'd love to share more about that if you have questions and those things.

But those are ways that we're aiming at it.

Okay, in the last bit of this message, which don't get excited, it might still be 15 minutes.

Um, but in the last bit of this, that's how that's things that we're aiming at.

And there are other smaller ones that I didn't have time to put in the slides.

Um, but that's what we're aiming at.

I want to just talk to you.

If you're like, this is my church, this is these are my people, and if it's not yours and your different churches and stuff like that, it's fine.

Take these or leave them.

We're not gonna hold you accountable to those things, but they're good either way.

Um, but I just want to talk to you of like, here's how you could build into a culture of belonging here at our church, just from a pastoral perspective to the people of this church.

The first is for you, get to know people.

Get to know people.

This is here, here's how you can help build it, get to know people.

I talked about this a little bit last week.

There is a difference, and it sounds simple, but there's a difference between being a friendly church and a church where you can be known.

And I want to be a church where I do want us to be friendly, be friendly, start there.

Um, but I also don't want it to just be friendly.

It's so easy to lock into, I was super friendly in the welcome time, I was super friendly at the door, but honestly, I'm not interested in getting to know anybody.

Like I got your name for a second, and then that was it.

It's so easy to fall into.

I'm very friendly, but I'm not actually interested in getting to know you.

And I want to be friendly, but I want to add on to, but I'm actually interested in getting to know you.

I'm curious about your story.

I want to get to know who you are.

I want to be a church where that is true.

That the people aren't just friendly.

It's like if you want to be known, you can be known at Christ Community Church because they want to know you there.

David Bradford uh talks about the difference between friendly relationships and what he calls exceptional relationships.

And this is what he says.

He says, in exceptional relationships, which is what we want, you feel seen, known, and appreciated for who you really are, not an edited version of yourself, which is most of what we live out in the day-to-day world.

Your hundreds of Instagram friends might know what you ordered for dinner at a fancy restaurant last week, but the person you have an exceptional relationship with knows that you've actually been struggling with food issues for years.

Or that this was the dinner when you and your spouse talked about starting the family, or that the impetus for the evening was to discuss the pros and cons of leaving your job.

Those subjects are off limits to people who follow your feed.

They rarely come up with the person you carpool with, but someone you're in an exceptional relationship with knows what's really going on with you because that someone really knows you.

That's what we need.

Deep down in our hearts, that's what we want.

And social media just kind of puts a filter over all of that.

But that's what we need, not just people who are like, oh, that's really cool, you went out to dinner, or we talk about football because it started yesterday, which is such a gift.

Um, but not just that, but like someone that understands, like, here's what you're actually going through.

And your pictures isn't just something that's like, oh, that's cool and I like that, but like that picture actually spawned a story or a conversation that I probably need to have with you about something else.

And so I want that for us to have exceptional, exceptional relationships, to be a church where you're not we're not just friendly, but like you could be known here.

And so I want us to not just be friendly, get to know people here.

Second, do for others what you want them to do for you.

This sounds so basic, but I'm gonna explain.

Do for others what you would have them do for you and want them to do for you.

This is Jesus, not my words.

He says this treat others the way you want to be treated.

But in my experience, people show up to a church and they have expectations about the way the church is supposed to treat you.

And if those expectations aren't met, they get bitter or they get angry or they feel like this church isn't everything it should be, and then they either stay and remain in their bitterness just in that church, or they leave and go look for a church that actually meets their expectations.

The issue with that is if you show up to a space and you're like, I feel like they should be inviting me out for a meal, Jesus would say, You do it.

If you I I they should be invited, this is a church, they should be inviting me out to dinner, and they're not, Jesus would say, then you do for others what you would have them do for you.

And so in this space, if you want to be invited out for dinner and no one's inviting you at the church, one, that is something that we should address, and that's a problem.

But you do it.

If you begin it, it will begin.

If you were the one that's sitting there, like, I noticed something, I'm not, no one's talking to me, and I just I they should be talking to me.

You noticed it, go do that thing.

Jesus would say, Don't stay and wallow in your self-pity that no one's doing the thing that you noticed, but you're placing expectations on people that they had no idea that you had.

And so do for others what you want them to do for you, instead of getting mad and choosing to leave to go find a different church, which maybe you can find one, but honestly, you'll probably experience something very similar there, and then wind up in a spot where you're going, that I just can't find a space that works for me.

And it's like, because Jesus says there's a different way of going about this, do the thing.

If you want it, do it.

And if you will begin it, it will begin.

And then if you lead out in that way, other people will follow you, and something that didn't exist in that church culture will begin existing because you noticed a need, and instead of going like I'm bitter that no one's doing this for me, you will begin a thing.

And so I want us to do that.

That is two.

Okay, number three.

Number three, uh, invest the the time.

Invest the time.

Go to that next slide.

Yeah.

Okay, show up.

Maybe that's what I maybe I didn't change it.

Invest the time or show up.

It's the same.

Um, we're going to build a culture of belonging here, and to me, and in many ways, it's already begun.

People show up at our church, choose to get connected, and that's that's wonderful, and they can find connection.

I think that's great.

But it's still true that inside, if we have the best culture of belonging that exists, it's still true that people have to choose to want it.

You have to choose to show up to it, you have to choose to invest the time, you have to choose to actually engage with that thing.

I've talked about this before, uh, but I see this all the time in it in churches, and it's it's a bummer because it's discouraging.

But I call it the cycle of disconnection.

This happens a lot with people in the church.

And so, what normally happens if you just start at the top?

Some people go to a church and they know no one.

I don't know anyone.

And they want connection.

So they move to the right.

I want connection.

Then the church does a you know, an event to connect.

Here's a gathering to connect, but I don't know, I don't go, I don't attend the thing, and the reason why is because I don't know anyone.

And then they just run this cycle and they run this play over and over.

I don't know anyone, I want to know someone.

There's a there's a gathering for an event, but honestly, I don't go because I don't know anyone.

And then they just keep doing this thing over and over and over.

And if you notice, there's no off-ramp.

There's not a space to where you actually experience connection because you're stuck in this cycle that's gonna keep you disconnected forever.

If you never show up to an event because you don't know anyone, then you're always gonna not know anyone, and it's always gonna happen that way.

And so there's this space where you have to show up, where you have to invest the time, where you have to go through the awkward bit of actually stepping into a space where it's like, I know no one, and this is gonna be weird, and I hate small talk, but I have to do it anyways.

You have to step into that, even if it's scary, even if you don't want to do it.

But the only way through that, or the only way to the other side and to get to connection is through the hard bit of actually having to do some of those things.

Uh again, something I've said before is the 60-hour rule that it takes 60 hours to start a friendship.

60 hours to start a friendship.

This is a study done at a University of Kansas, 2018.

This is what uh Jeffrey Hall, one of the professors, says there.

He says that it takes about 40 to 60 hours of time spent together to form a casual friendship.

It takes 80 to 100 hours to transition to calling each other a friend and more than 200 hours to become close friends.

All of the data points to the fact that if we want friendship, we have to put in the time.

We have to put in the time.

And so it's so wonderful that like it as a church, it's like people are like, I'm bought in, we're doing this thing, we're gonna have a culture belonging.

I love it, I love it, I love it.

It's so great that we're doing that.

The issue is that it's a lot of it is still a two-way street.

Like if we have something that's great, it still has to be chosen by the people in the room.

And so for you, if you're longing for that, if you want that, it can exist and you can still not experience it.

But it can exist and you not experience it only because you refuse to actually invest the time and do that thing.

And so the connection bit is on the other side of doing the awkwardness of the small talk and things like that.

And so I just encourage you, step into that space if you want it.

We want it for you, but if you want it, show up to these things, invest the time.

And then last, use your words.

Use your words, and I'll end with this.

So many things that we think in our hearts or in our minds aren't spoken until it's too late.

I've worked, I've worked at like seven or eight different churches.

I don't, I've lost count.

Um but I've never felt more loved at a church except I've felt the most loved when I've told them I'm leaving.

Like I'm leaving this church.

I've never received more loving comments than when I was like, I'm out of here and I gotta go.

Um and it's so interesting to me that I'm like, people will say that, like, you know, while I was there, it was like, hey, here's a couple of ideas I have for your ministry.

Hey, here's a couple of things I wish you would do for my kid or my family.

Hey, here's some stuff.

A lot of advice on those things, right?

A lot of advice.

As soon as I just said that I was leaving, it was like, this place will never be the same without you.

And I was like, Where's that been?

Like, you haven't said that to me once.

Like, I've been here forever.

Like, you've never said that to me.

Or, like, you have no idea.

You have no idea how much you've meant to me and my family.

And I'm like, you're right, because you never said it.

I did not know that because you never said that.

A lot of what you said was I could do better.

Like, that's a lot of what you said.

And so I'm not saying this because like, please shower me with blessing, although it's every now and then, it's nice to hear that.

But it's this crazy, like every single church is the exact same.

As soon as I decided to leave, it's like we have tons of awesome things to say about you.

And it's like, well Lord, if I knew you felt that way, I would have stuck around.

Like there was one church I was working at, I didn't gotta go, but um, there was one church I was working at.

It was, it was um, I don't know, my third church or whatever.

Anyways, and I was working there, and like honestly, they were talking about firing the staff, like all the the elders were talking about firing the staff all the time.

They would take us out to meals and be like, hey, do you think you're contributing a lot to this thing?

And I was like, I don't know, bro.

I'm doing my best.

I'm trying to do this thing.

And they're like, well, you know, we're gonna, you know, we'll run the analytics and see where you wind up and stuff.

And then I was finally like, look, this is a toxic culture.

I gotta get out of here.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose my job anyways.

And uh, and so I decided to leave.

And that same elder that told me that like, we're gonna run the analytics and see where you line up.

That the next conversation when I told him, Hey, I'm going to a different church, I'm gonna move up to Chicago uh to Wisconsin and go work at a church up there, he was like, You're the best youth pastor we've ever had.

And I was like, You were trying to fire me three days ago.

Like, what are you talking about?

He's like, these kids are gonna leave the faith if you leave this church.

These are actual words that he said.

And I was like, one, that's I'm not Jesus, that's too much pressure.

Um, but like, if you have said, like the common experience is you've you've had thoughts, but you've never expressed those things.

And I just don't want us to have a church like that.

Say the things that you're thinking, not all of them, but the good ones.

Say the things that you're thinking.

People need your words to give them life.

They need those things.

Like, encourage means to put courage into a person.

You're in, you're putting courage into a person.

People, we need that.

We all need it.

But if we sit there and hold on to all those thoughts and we wait till either they leave or what normally happens, you wait till the funeral.

Then you say a ton of stuff that could have kept them alive.

Like there's just all this stuff.

You have no idea how powerful your words can be.

There's this wonderful story, it's long, but I love it, so I'm gonna share it by Brendan Manning in his book, The Furious Longing of God, short book, brilliant, read it.

Uh, but he tells a story about how words have changed the direction of one of his students' lives.

But this is what he says.

He says, Back in the late 1960s, I was teaching at a university in Ohio, and there was a student on campus who, by society's standards, he would have been called ugly.

He was short, extremely obese, he had a terrible case of acne, a bad lisp, and really bad hair.

His clothes smelled and he never wore shoes.

He didn't have friends, no campus girl would date him, and no fraternity wanted him.

In all my days, I had never met anybody with such low self-esteem.

He told me that when he looked in the mirror each morning, he spit at it.

He was a self-professed atheist, but everything changed one Christmas when Larry Mullaney went home to see his mother and father.

Larry couldn't have been more different than his father.

Larry's father was a typical lace curtain Irishman, always wearing a suit and tie and always well kept and clean.

On that first night home, Mulaney came to dinner, uh to the dinner table, smelling like a billy goat.

He and his father had their usual number of quarrels and reconciliations and thus began a typical vacation at the Mulaney household.

Several nights later, Mulaney told his father that he needed to get back to school the next day, so his father decided to go with him, and so the next morning his father and he rode the bus together in silence.

In silence.

They got off the bus, and directly across the street were six men standing under the under an awning.

They began making loud and degrading remarks like, oink, oink, look at that fat pig.

I tell you, if that was that pig was my kid, I'd hide him in the basement.

I'd be so embarrassed of him.

Another said, I wouldn't.

If that slob was my kid, he'd be out the door so fast he wouldn't know if he's on foot or horseback.

Hey, pig, give us your best oink.

These brutal attacks continued.

Larry Mullaney told me that in that moment, for the first time in his life, his father reached out, embraced him, kissed him, and said, Larry, Larry, look at me.

If your mother and I live to be 200 years old, that wouldn't be long enough to thank God for the gift he gave to us in you.

I'm so proud that you're my son.

And Brendan Manning says, it would be hard to describe the words, the transformation that took place in Larry Mullaney after that interaction.

He came back to school and remained a hippie, but he had a new confidence that was evident.

Miracle of miracles, he began dating a girl, and to top it off, he became the president of one of the fraternities.

He also became the first student in the history of the university to graduate with a 4.2 GPA.

And sometime later he came to my office and said, Tell me about this man, Jesus.

And for the past 20 years, he's been a missionary in South America, a man totally sold out for Jesus.

Do you know why?

It wasn't because I talked to him about Jesus.

No.

It was because of a day long ago during a Christmas vacation, standing at a bus stop, when his lace curtain, Irish father, healed him.

In the face of cursing and taunts, his father affirmed him with a furious love and changed the whole direction of his son's life.

That's a beautiful story.

And I just think it's so interesting that, like, most of their experience was just jabs back and forth at dinner table and stuff like that, and they're riding the bus in silence.

And then when his father spoke words into his heart, healed something in his story, and like pieced a man back together that was like, There's I have nothing to live for.

And then all of a sudden, just one line into his heart shaped everything about him.

And so to me, use your words.

You have no idea what your kindness, what you're telling somebody that they belong here when they belong nowhere else, or telling somebody that if they left here, that it would mean something to them, that it would mean something to you, and it's not the same.

People text me all the time, like, hey, I haven't seen so-and-so in a while.

My response is always the same.

You text them.

Tell them.

I text all kinds of people.

Like you text them.

Like let them know that you notice them.

It means something to them.

And so use your words for the people everywhere, but for the people in this community, use your words.

Pete Schizero says this.

He says, When we look for goodness and beauty in one another and speak honest words of life over one another, we become God with skin on for the other.

Our affirmations heal wounds, they cover shame, and they communicate how God sees us as infinitely valuable and lovable.

You have no idea what your words can do.

But I do know that they'll do a lot more if you'll say them out loud.

And so say those things.

And so, for you, those are the things that we want.

We want a culture belonging here so that people have the best possible opportunity to feel like this must be what it was like to be in the presence of Jesus because his words, the way that he spoke, the way that he saw me and noticed me, the way that he didn't condemn me, the way that he was completely different than every other societal person out there.

He was completely different.

I want that here because there's something healing that takes place in the midst of it, and people long to belong, and I'd love for that to be true in this space.

Let me pray.

Lord Jesus, would you create that here?

Would we honor you with seeking to develop a culture that exists in this space that actually gives people the best possible opportunity to feel not just theoretically somewhere, but like it actually feels like what it was like to just stand in Jesus' presence.

That it won't be foreign to us one day when we do it, but that when we stand in your presence one day for eternity, it'll be like I have felt this before.

I felt this exact feeling, this type of love.

I have experienced this type of connection, I have experienced this type of being seen and known and cared for.

I have experienced that before.

And it was at this church on Shady Grove Road.

God, I pray that you would build that here so that you would receive glory, so that people would know more about what you're like, and so that we could experience the healing that you actually long to pour into our lives just from being around you.

And so, Lord, would you help us in that endeavor in Jesus' name?

Amen.