Three Ways You're Fake Listening Without Even Knowing It

When my husband will come up to me and start having a conversation with me or trying to to tell me something and I'm distracted.

Maybe I'm in work mode.

Maybe I'm scrolling on social media or something.

And he'll get about 30 seconds into the conversation.

And honestly, in my mind, I'm hearing like Charlie Brown chatter, like wah, wah, wah, right.

And so about halfway through what it is that he's telling me, I'm like, I'm sorry, babe.

I actually didn't hear anything that you said.

Welcome to the Midweek Motivation Podcast, where we bring practical help for your faith and life.

Here's today's episode.

Okay, so you're talking and you can tell that the other person isn't listening.

Not because they're being rude, because, but because maybe you're in a busy root room and their eyes keep on darting to the side, or their face is kind of showing that they're starting to glaze over a little bit.

Um we've all been on both sides of that situation, right?

When we're engaging with somebody and um either we have realized that about 30 seconds into the conversation, we don't know what we're talking about, or you can just tell that the person that you're speaking with is not connecting well.

And today we're gonna talk about that.

We're gonna talk about um three ways that we fake listen without meaning to you and what it actually looks like to listen well.

Um, my name is Jess.

Welcome if um this is your first time watching the Midweek Motivation.

I'm so glad that you're here.

Um, we are in the middle of a series that's covering Bless at Westside.

And so it's a five-part uh acronym or system that we can use to really invest well in the people in our lives and earn the opportunity to share um our own stories of how Jesus has made a change in our own lives.

But it doesn't always look the way, it doesn't actually look the way that we think that it it does.

And so last week we kicked this off with B in the acronym Bless, B-L-E-S-S.

Um, and that is to begin with prayer.

So we have been praying, we've been asking God for opportunities, we've been looking out for open doors in ways that we can engage with people.

And this week we are going to intentionally be looking for opportunities to listen and listen well.

Um, and so here are we're gonna start off with a couple of um uh examples of maybe what listening well does not look like, and then we're gonna jump into the fix.

All right, so this happens to me all the time.

I'm in the auditorium or I'm in the lobby or maybe even in my living room and I'm having a conversation with someone.

And so I'm the really the number one example that pops out to me is when my husband will come up to me and start having a conversation with me or trying to tell me something and I'm distracted.

Maybe I'm in work mode, maybe I'm scrolling on social media or something.

And he'll get about 30 seconds into the conversation.

And honestly, in my mind, I'm hearing like Charlie Brown chatter, like wah, wah, wah, right?

And so about halfway through what it is that he's telling me, I'm like, I'm sorry, babe.

I actually didn't hear anything that you said.

Never fails.

Every time we have this interaction, I can see my husband's um disappointment or frustration in that situation.

He's got to go back and he's got to start over.

Um, so the number one gift that we can offer somebody is presence, presence of mind.

Um uh and so the trouble really is distraction.

The trouble is that we live in a fast-paced life with lots of things going on, a list of a thousand things that we've got that we're thinking about, social media scrolling, whatever it might be.

But offering our presence and our focus, looking somebody in the eye when they're talking to us and giving them our undivided attention is a number one act of love.

And so um uh when so my question for you is when is the last time that you asked uh take it.

Sorry, just a second.

Okay, okay, so um our presence is the number one thing that somebody notices uh before a single word is spoken.

Um, so my question for you is how is it in um the next week that you're going to offer someone your presence and offer that um that love to them?

All right, a distraction that number two is self-focused listening.

Um, and the response to that is to stay curious and not competitive.

So uh think of a conversation that you had with somebody where you are sharing your heart with them, you were sharing a struggle that you're going through.

And in response, that person uh offered a story of their own that was similar.

Happens all the time in conversations that I'm having with other people.

And so every single one of these things is something that I actually am working with through and trying to improve on myself.

Um, and so I know that when I respond with a story, my true uh my my true attempt is to connect with somebody.

But how often does uh trying to connect with someone feel like a one-up and start to feel like a competition?

And so maybe the response to that, the fix instead of sharing a story that's similar, is to ask follow-up questions instead of bringing it back to ourselves.

So what was like so asking questions like what was it like for you?

Um, when's the last time you asked a follow-up question instead of a follow up sharing a follow-up story?

And so that that would be my challenge for you this next week as you engage with people.

All right, um, listening challenge number three, listening with an agenda.

And the fix to that maybe is to listen with love, not to fix, but just to hold space for that person.

So um uh the trouble is fixing before somebody is even finished.

And this really is a point to Proverbs 18, 13, where it says answering before listening is called foolish.

When we're listening to somebody with the uh uh like those thoughts or ideas that pop into your head, like, oh, well, I would have just done it this way instead, or oh, I've been through that before and so I have the solution for you.

Uh, it doesn't uh it doesn't present uh an opportunity or a feeling of care and love for somebody rather than uh feels like that person is a project.

So the fix for that is um it potentially um asking permission before jumping in with solutions.

Um, but maybe it's just listening and and then reflecting back what you heard instead of responding with with any kind of a fix or a solution.

All right.

So all of these are common um distractions or common things that pull away from uh good, effective listening.

Um, but recently I heard this really great conversation with a um with a three-step process that this person goes through in conversations to dive deep and really share that that um they have love and uh concern and care for the person.

And so it does include offering yourself, your presence and offering engagement, number one.

Um, and then uh when you're having this conversation, it could just start out with, hey, how's it going today?

Um, you're listening for number one, first layer deep, what happened?

What is this person talking about?

What are they trying to share with you?

How are they engaging with um within the story that they're telling?

And what what is it that they're sharing with you?

What happened?

Um, layer number two, you're going in a little bit deeper in this.

When you're listening to what it is that this person is sharing, what what are you listening for what it meant to them?

So what is it that um that that conversation or that story, um, what kind of emotional cues are they putting off?

What, what, um, how can you hear what it is that that situation meant to that person and then ask questions about that?

And then layer number three, what did that touch in you?

So you're listening for what was moved, like maybe what deeper situation or issue is coming up within that person based on this uh interaction that they're telling you about or the story that they're sharing.

And then a perfect response to um round up that conversation is to offer uh to um offer any kind of support that you can.

Oh man, that was that's really hard.

Let me know if I can help you with anything.

Or based on their situation, what can you help with?

Um, maybe it's just offering prayer in that, but um to to uh round that conversation out with care and attention um to the details that they're they shared and uh support might be the great way to um to number one show that you've been listening well and to care for the person that's in front of you.

All right.

So this week, my challenge is to pick one conversation and ask questions instead of relating a story back or or being distracted, but offer your presence to that the person that you're um caring for.

And then um uh and then um that will and then that's going to create a space where um we're building a church where people feel safe enough to be fully known because they've been heard.

All right, guys.

Uh I um am praying for you this week in your interactions.

Pray for me too, and we'll see you next week.

Okay, bye.

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