Rick Warren - Biblical Advice on How To Resolve Conflict & Restore Relationships

I want to talk about one of the most important

skills you never learned. It is the skill of resolving conflict.

You know, as your pastor for over 30 years, as

I look back over all of the people, individuals, and

couples that I've counseled over the years, without a doubt,

the number one thing I've spent much of my life

doing is helping people negotiate conflict. Conflict at work, Conflict

with your spouse, conflict with your kids, conflict with a

boyfriend or girlfriend, conflict in the community. Because the world

is broken, there is conflict everywhere. National conflicts, political conflicts

that leave the nation in a mess, economic conflicts, relational conflicts,

sexual conflicts. There's conflict in every area and every segment

of society. So one of the most important skills you

have to learn is how to resolve conflict. It is

essential to your happiness. If you don't know how to

resolve conflict, you walk around carrying conflict most of your life,

which leaves you miserable. You can be wealthy, you can

be attractive, you can be successful, you can be talented,

and if your relationships suck, you're a mess. If your

relationships aren't good, if you're carrying conflict and you don't

know how to deal with it, that relative, that in-law,

that friend, that boss, then you don't know how to

be happy because it just sucks the life right out

of you. You can have all those things, but if

your relationships are a mess, you're not very happy. Now,

your parents sure didn't teach you conflict resolution because they

didn't know how to do it. And when you went

to school, grade school, junior high, high school, you didn't

get a single class on conflict management, although it is

one of the number one skills you've got to learn

in life. And when you went to college, you didn't

have a course on conflict management. So today, it's not

too late, I'm going to teach you how to resolve conflict. Now,

I hope you're not in conflict right now. I mean, really,

as your pastor, my prayer is that things are going

pretty good for you right now. but you're gonna need

this someday. So of all weekends, this is the day

to take notes. Because one day, you're gonna go, where

are those notes? What did Pastor Rick say about how

do you resolve a conflict with so-and-so? You're gonna need this.

It's not my opinion, it's what God says to do.

Now the thing that I love about the Bible is

it's just so honest. And God recognizes that we're gonna

have conflict in our lives because the world is broken.

In Romans chapter 12, verse 17 and 18, it says this.

Romans 12:17

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. In other words,

people push your buttons, don't push their buttons back. People

attack you, you don't attack back. As much as possible,

as far as it depends on you, live in peace

with everyone. Now, I am so glad that God just

didn't leave out the first two parts and just say,

live in peace with everyone. God gives you two caveats.

He says, as much as possible, as far as it

depends on you. What is God saying here? God says,

I recognize that some people you can't live at peace with.

And really, it's not your fault. And no matter how

you try to appease, please, control, support, whatever, they are

just at a well that cannot be filled up. Their

emotional needs are so great, no matter what you do,

you can't please them. Ever met anybody like that? Yeah,

don't look at them. Okay, be cool. But you've met

people like that who no matter what you do, they

are just unpleasable. And even God recognizes that some people

you just can't live at peace with. You don't want conflict.

You don't want war. You don't want arguments. But it happens.

As much as possible. Sometimes it's not possible. As far

as it depends on you. You can't control somebody else's reaction.

So he says, all you can control is you. As

far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Now why does God want us to live at peace

with everyone? Because unresolved conflict has three devastating reactions in

your life. These damaging results. Write them down. I'm not

going to spend a lot of time on this because

I want to look at the cure more than the cause.

But the damage that unresolved conflict does is three things.

Number one, it blocks my fellowship with God. When I'm

out of whack with you, I can't be in harmony

with God. When I'm distracted, when I'm in conflict with

other people, I cannot have a clear connection to God.

Did you know that? The Bible says this over and

over and over. First John chapter four, it says, the

person who says I love God and hates his neighbor

is a liar. It's real clear. In fact, the Bible

says you cannot love God and not love your neighbor

as yourself. You cannot be in harmony with God and

out of harmony with the people in your life. It's impossible.

The Bible says love God with all your heart and

love your neighbors yourself. So every time I get in

conflict with somebody, guess what? My fellowship with God is blocked.

That's reason enough to learn conflict management because I don't

want you, a crazy maker, keeping me from having a

relationship with God. The Bible says this over and over.

It blocks my fellowship with God. Number two, it hinders

my prayers. It prevents answered prayer. Did you know that?

Over and over again in scripture, the Bible says that

when I have conflict and when there's sin and when

there's disharmony in my life, it blocks my prayers. It

hinders my prayers. It's Father's Day weekend. Let's just get

real specific. Over in the book of 1 Peter, you

know what it says? It says, husbands, treat your wife

with respect. Treat your wife with respect. And deal with

her with intelligence, with wisdom, with knowledge, with understanding. Be

sympathetic with her. Because if you don't do that, you

can forget about praying. It says clearly that your prayers

will not be hindered. That's what 1 Peter 5 says.

You mean, wait a minute, when I'm in a conflict

with my wife and I'm out of whack with her,

then God isn't hearing my prayers? That's exactly what the

Bible says. That's exactly what the Bible says. So I

can't have, as many of us has done, have an

argument in the car coming to church and come inside

and go, praise the Lord. God says, uh-uh, that ain't happening.

No way. You're out of whack with your wife. You're

out of whack with me. You're in disharmony and conflict

with other people. God says, then you're in disharmony and

conflict with me because God is love. Number three, it

hinders my happiness. You cannot be happy and in conflict

at the same time. When conflict comes in the front door,

happiness goes out the back door in your life. So

let's look today. I'm going to teach you the seven

biblical steps to resolving conflict. The first step in resolving conflict,

a neighbor, a friend, a relative, a spouse, a boss.

Number one, take the initiative. That's the step, starting point.

You take the initiative. You don't wait for them to

come to you. You go to them. You be the peacemaker. Now,

he's saying, don't ignore the conflict. Don't deny the conflict.

Don't push the conflict under the carpet. Don't pretend that

the conflict doesn't exist in your marriage. What pink elephant

in our living room? I don't see any pink elephant

in our living room. Let me ask you, what are

you pretending is not a problem in your marriage? Sex, money, trust, in-laws, family, children, communication, values,

work schedule. What are you pretending is not a problem

in your marriage? The Bible says you take the initiative. Now, friends,

when I first married Kay, I was terrible at this.

terrible at this. There was a player in the movie

and in the play and in the book, Oliver Twist,

and his name is the Artful Dodger. That was me.

That position was based on me. I knew how, Kay

would come at me with an issue and I'd dodge it.

And I was pretty artful at it. And she'd get

another issue and I'd dodge it. I was not going

to get drawn into conflict. And she would do everything

she could to get me to work on situations, and

I would just dodge it. But conflict is never resolved accidentally.

Have you ever heard the expression, time heals everything? That's

a bunch of baloney. Time heals nothing. I mean, if

time healed everything, you could go to the doctor and

just sit in the waiting room and you'd be healed. Okay? Okay?

You wouldn't even need to see the doctor. You just,

time heals everything. Actually, time makes things worse. When you

got an open wound, you don't deal with it, it festers.

It can turn into gangrene. It can take your arm.

It can take your life. Time heals nothing. Actually, problems

get worse when you ignore them. And what is anger

turns to resentment, and what is resentment turns to bitterness.

And we've all met elderly people, 70, 80, 90 years old,

who've turned into very bitter people because they never dealt

with a conflict 50 years earlier, and they missed 50

years of happiness. So take the initiative. The conflict is

not going to resolve itself. You've got to intentionally deal

with it. I want you to write this down. The

only way to resolve a conflict is to face it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But the only way to resolve

it is to face it. We don't like that. And

in order to face it, you're going to have to

deal with three different things. You're going to have to

deal with your fears of conflict. You're going to have

to deal with how to set up the meeting. And

you're going to have to deal with what to do.

If you've got any conflict in your life with somebody

at work, and you talk to everybody but them about

the problem, that's the problem. is you talk to everybody

else about the problem except the person who is the problem.

And the thing you're going to have to deal with,

first of all, is your fear of conflict. People say,

I don't want to do conflict. I don't want to

deal with conflict. I'm scared. Well, welcome to the human race.

Nobody likes conflict. Except crazy makers. They like it. If

you like conflict, you're a crazy maker. Nobody really likes conflict.

But we have to do it. And so we're afraid

of it. Congratulations, you're normal. I have seen grown men

fumble this issue. I've seen guys, Marines, Navy SEALs, Army Rangers,

who have faced incredibly dangerous situations and not afraid to

lay it on the line, have enormous courage on the battlefield,

melt and turn into a pool of jello with one

phrase from their wife. We need to talk, honey. There

is no phrase that puts the fear of God into

men more than that phrase. We need to talk, honey. Oh, no,

just kill me right now. Give me a knife. Now,

the fear of conflict is as old as Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve messed up. They blew it in the

Garden of Eden. and their relationship with God was broken.

And then it broke their relationship with each other. And

so they go out in their hiding after they have sinned,

and they don't want to get near God because they

don't want to face the reality of the conflict. And Adam,

in Genesis chapter 3, verse 10, says this. Adam said

Genesis 3:10

to God, I heard you in the garden, and I

was afraid because I was naked. And so I hid.

When he's talking about naked, he said, I was exposed.

I was vulnerable. You could see everything about me. And

I was afraid, so I hid. And men have been

hiding from God ever since. And men and women have

been hiding from each other. We hide and hurl. First

thing they did is they covered up. Why? Because when

there's conflict, you want to cover up. You see, the

fear of conflict is really the fear of being exposed.

The fear of your emotions. It's the fear of being vulnerable.

And when I have the fear of dealing with emotions,

then this fear creates three problems in my relationship. It

makes me defensive. It makes me distant. And it makes

me demanding. It makes me defensive. I want to hide.

When we're in conflict, I want to hide. I want

to withdraw. I want to isolate. I want to pull back.

I don't want to be close to you. That ruins

the relationship. Makes me distant. It makes me defensive. I

start defending myself. I start attacking you. I start having

all kinds of excuses. I don't want to reveal my

true self. I want to cover up because I'm naked.

I'm vulnerable. I'm exposed. And I become demanding. I want

to have the last word. I want to control the situation.

You see, it is fear that keeps you from connecting

at the deepest level with those you love the most.

Most people have never had deep soul intimacy with another person.

I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about something deeper

than that. Soul to soul intimacy. And the reason why

is fear. You don't really fear conflict. You fear the

emotions of it. And you fear rejection. And you fear

being misunderstood. And you fear that what you say will

be used against you. So you don't want to be vulnerable.

That's what you feared. There was a book that came

out many, many years ago called Why Am I Afraid

to Tell You Who I Am? Great question. And the

answer to that question is the reason I'm afraid to

tell you who I really am is because I'm all

I've got. And if I tell you what I really

am and I reveal my true self, including the downside,

including the weaknesses, you may not like me. And I'm

all I've got. And the reason I'm afraid to tell

you who I am and I wear a mask and

I pretend and I ignore conflict and all of those things,

is because I'm afraid that you might not accept me.

And if you don't like who I am and I'm

all I've got, then I'm up a creek without a paddle.

So I'm just going to wear a mask. Thank you

very much. Where do you find the courage to take

this first step? Because that's what you need. Only courageous

people resolve conflict. Only. Cowards never resolve conflict. They walk

away from it. Courageous men Maybe the most courageous manly

thing you can do is man up and face an

issue that you've been ignoring for a long time in

your marriage or with your kids or with your employees

or your boss or whoever. Man up, be a man,

have courage and face the fear. Where do you find

the courage to face it? You get it from God.

The Bible says here on the screen, 2 Timothy 1, 7,

God has not given us A spirit of fear and timidity,

but a spirit of power and love and self-discipline. That

means if I let God's spirit fill my life, I'm

going to be filled not with fear and timidity, but

I'm going to be filled with power and with love

and with self-discipline. Now, that middle one, love, is the

important one because love overcomes fear. The Bible says perfect

love casts out all fear. When you're watching the nightly

news and you see somebody run into a burning building,

you go, how in the world do they have the

courage to do that? A few minutes later, they come

running out with a baby or a little child or

a pet. What caused them to overcome their fear of dying?

The love for that person or pet. When your love

is greater than your fear, you'll do things you're afraid

to do. That's called courage. And when you are filled

with God's love, the Bible says God is love, When

you're filled with God's Spirit, and God's Spirit is love,

when God's Spirit fills you and you're filled with love

for that person who's irritating you, or that person you're

in conflict with, then you're going to have the courage

to move ahead. So you need to pray, God, I'm

scared to death. Fill me with your love. You already

know who you need to deal with right now. I'm

already talking about it, and you already know in your mind.

I haven't reconciled with that person. I'm out of sorts

with that person. I haven't dealt with this issue. You

need to say, God, fill me with your love. Give

me that courage that comes from love. You pray about it.

What I'm saying is you talk to God before you

talk to them. And you certainly talk to them before

you talk to anybody else. You talk to anybody else

about somebody you got a problem with, that's called gossip. Now,

the first thing you have to do is deal with

your fear or you're never going to take the initiative.

The second thing you're going to have to deal with

is you're going to have to deal with the timing.

Timing is everything. in conflict resolution you gotta do it

at the right time now you say okay fine when

they're ready and they come to me I'll deal with

it no that's a cop out you take the initiative

would you write this down it's always my move it's

always my move in conflict management conflict resolution God expects

you to take the first step that's called being a

peacemaker Now, Jesus talks about this in the Sermon on

the Mount. And in Matthew chapter 5, verse 22 and 23,

Matthew 5:22

he teaches this principle of take the initiative. It's the

first key to conflict management. He says in Matthew 5, 23,

if you're standing before the altar in the temple, now

what's he talking about here? You're at worship. It's what

you're doing right now. If you're standing before the altar

in the temple, okay, if you go to church to

go to worship, and you're given an offering to God,

and you suddenly remember that somebody has something against you. Notice,

it's not you got a problem, it's they got a

problem with you. So either way, you take the initiative.

You remember that somebody has something against you. You leave

your offering. Leave your offering there beside the altar. Go

at once, circle at once. Go at once and first

be reconciled to that person then come and offer your life.

gift to God. You notice what he's saying here? God

says reconciliation takes priority over worship. Wow. Some of you

shouldn't be here. Reconciliation takes priority over worship. He said,

you know, you like to worship, you like to come

and sing, you like to hear God's word, you like

to learn the principles of life, good. But he said,

there's something more important than that, reconciliation. And he says,

if you come to worship and you got something out

of whack with somebody else, you need to go get

that right first and come back. He says, leave your

gift at the altar, go at once, be reconciled, then

come and offer your gift to God. Now, what is

Jesus doing here? He's saying, don't ignore it. It doesn't

matter if you're the offended or you're the offender. You

need to take the initiative. It's always your move. When?

At once. As soon as possible. You don't delay. You

don't postpone. Some of you have been putting off this

for weeks, months, or maybe years. The third thing you

have to do. Sorry, this is still in initiate. You've

got to plan a sit-down meeting. This is in taking

the initiative. And let me give you some suggestions. And

I didn't give you a lot of room on your outline,

so just write these down. I'm going to give you

four suggestions on how to set up a meeting with

somebody you're in conflict with. Okay? Here's what you do.

Four things you do in setting up the meeting. Number one,

I've already mentioned this, choose the right time. Choose the

right time. Timing is everything. When is the best time

to have a meeting to resolve a conflict? The best

time is when you're both at your best. That's when

you do it. When you're both at your best. You

may be ready, but they may not be ready to

receive it. You've been thinking about this. You're ready to

talk about it. They may not be ready to talk

about it. So you don't pull it on them. You

don't drop a bomb on them. By the way, never

drop a bomb in bed. You're going to get an explosion.

I mean... You know you've been thinking about this all

day wise your husband comes home Just as he puts

his head on the thing you say honey. We need

to talk And you start in the first point he's gone,

and then you explode it never drop a bomb in

bed Choose the right time when you're both at your

best okay number two right place and You choose the

right place. You don't just do it anywhere. You figure

out where's a good place and a good time to

do this. Where we can be relaxed, where it's quiet,

where we won't be bothered, where maybe the kids are

asleep or they're away or whatever, where we can talk

frankly and honestly, where there's an emotion can come out.

You choose the right place where you can be uninterrupted.

Number three, pray before meeting. Very important. And you say, God,

I'm scared to do this, but I need to be

filled with your love, and I need you to help

me do this right. Now, if it's a deep problem,

you may take more than one meeting, but you still

pray before the meetings. And the fourth thing is come

with a positive attitude. You want to come to work

on the problem, not to attack each other. You're not

coming to demean or demand anything. or to disable. You're

not coming to just disagree. You're coming to say, look,

we're on the same team here. Let's try to make

this thing work. And you work on the issue. You

come with a positive attitude. Now, why do I do this?

Why should I take the initiative? Well, let's just remember,

Jesus commands it. I'm out of fellowship with God. My

prayers aren't heard. And I'm not happy until I really

deal with this issue. I want to close. by giving

you a statement. I want you to write this down, okay?

It's always more rewarding, it's always more rewarding to resolve

the conflict than dissolve the relationship. It's always more rewarding

to resolve the conflict than dissolve the relationship. Now, it's

not easier, but it's more rewarding. There are people in

your life, you want to just wash your hands up

and walk away and say, forget it. It's not worth it.

I'm going to dissolve the relationship. I'm just walking away

from it. It's just not worth it. Yeah, you can

do that. But you don't get any rewards in heaven

for that. You don't get any joy on earth for that.

You don't get any character growth and development for that.

It's not rewarding for that. It's always more rewarding to

resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. Now, you

can't make peace with other people until you've made peace

with God. And maybe that's part of the problem, is

you're not at peace with yourself because you're not at

peace with God. First, you've got to make peace with God.

Then you get the peace of God. Then you have

peace on earth, goodwill toward men. The reason people don't

have peace on earth, goodwill toward men is they don't

have peace with themselves. The reason they don't have peace

with themselves, they don't have peace with God. Look at

this verse on the screen. 1 Timothy 2, 5. There

is only one God and one mediator, that's the reconciler,

who can reconcile God and people, who can bring us together.

He's a bridge builder. He is Jesus Christ. That's the

starting point. First, you need to get peace in your

heart by getting the Prince of Peace inside you. So

let's do that. Let's bow our heads. Would you say

this to God in your heart? God, you know the

conflict in my life. You know the conflict with people

and you know the conflict with you and you know

the conflict with myself. And I'm tired of it. And

I want to make peace. I want to make peace

with you and have peace, your peace in my life

so that I can offer peace to others. You've said

blessed are the peacemakers. I want to be blessed for

they will be called the children of God. I want

to be a child of God. So Jesus Christ, I

accept your peace today. I accept your forgiveness. I want

to be your child. I want to be a peacemaker.

I open my life to you as best I know how.

Fill my life with love, not anger. With patience, with joy,

with peace. Come in and fill every area of my

life with your calmness. And help me to be a

bridge builder, not a wall builder. And then pray this.

Dear God, help me to take the initiative. To not

wait on that other person. But help me to take

the initiative. Find the right time and the right place.

And then help me to have the courage to confess

my part of the conflict. And to be humble so

I won't stumble. Instead of attacking the problem, help me to,

instead of attacking the person, help me attack the problem.

Help me to consider their perspective, to listen for their hurt.

Help me to speak the truth, tell the truth tactfully.

To fix the problem, not the blame. And to focus

on reconciliation, not resolving All the disagreements. I ask this

in your name. Amen.