The Power of Empathy: Why Relationships Fail Without It

Music.

My name is Angelica, and with me is Pastor Roby Barnes, and we have been in

this conversation on empathy.

And so, Roby, can you talk with us what you guys discussed last week?

Yes. So here's where we've been so far in the series. In part one,

we talked about how empathy actually is really related to what Jesus said about the golden rule.

And when you see kind of where that phrase, like, do unto others as you would

have them do to you, that statement by Jesus is right in the middle of the Sermon

on the Mount, really at a crescendo point.

And he says, all the law and the prophets are built on that.

And so think about that. That statement, it's the golden rule because of the

emphasis Jesus put on it.

And it truly is amazingly profound.

The idea of how should I treat, I mean, according to Jesus, this is what all

the law and the prophets, the whole Old Testament. This is how morality essentially is built.

If I should do to others how I would want to be treated, that requires self-awareness.

And then it requires me to put myself in the position of someone else.

I have to get in their heart, into their mind to try and predict and understand

how they might want to be treated based on how I would want to be treated if

I was in their situation.

That's really empathy. That's Jesus describing empathy.

And so we see it biblically. we're not just talking about empathy because it's

maybe a buzzword or something like that.

If we see really what is important and what is emphasized by Jesus,

we see that this idea of having self-awareness and then getting into the experience

of someone else, that is really, really important.

So then last week we talked about, in the last episode, we talked about how

empathy plays out in our relationships with another key concept,

which is we talked about EQ Q or emotional intelligence.

And whereas our, our, our intelligence, you know, how you can compute facts

and data is one thing, but how we can relate to other people is a,

is a completely different thing.

And if you think about it, empathy really is a core part of that.

And what we talked about was when it comes to emotional intelligence,

self-awareness is that foundation, but then that capstone that holds all of

it together is empathy because to have emotional intelligence,

to be able to treat people well,

to manage my own emotions, to understand how I'm coming off to other people,

how other people are receiving,

the way I communicate or my emotions or how I'm treating other people.

I first have to see myself, but then I have to enter into the experience of others.

And be able to understand what it must feel like to be in their shoes.

And so really it starts with self-awareness, but it doesn't really,

for emotional intelligence, it doesn't end with self-awareness because then

I would just be introspective without still not really computing how I'm treating others.

And so really emotional intelligence, it starts with self-awareness,

but it ends with putting myself in someone else's frame of mind.

So that's empathy. Empathy is really core.

It's a really key skill that we want and that we can grow in.

And it's central to understanding how to treat people according to Jesus and

really how to live a godly life.

But it is also a core to just growing in our emotional intelligence.

I think something we all want to grow in.

So that's really where we've been in the series, really unpacking this critical

subject of empathy that applies to so many parts of our lives.

Well, then that leads us to today's topic. We're going to be talking about the power of empathy.

So Roby, talk to us how empathy is powerful. Yeah.

So, and I think that that's a great place to take the conversation because we've

talked about, okay, what is empathy according to Jesus? What is it morally?

What is it in terms of biblical righteousness? We've talked about what is empathy

in terms of our emotional intelligence, but what is the power behind it?

Why is this so important?

And I think what makes this so important is.

It is a central part to healthy, thriving relationships and really fulfilling relationships.

And so let's just talk about that for a second. We live in a society where we

have a strong value of independence.

We have a strong value of individualism.

And there's, especially with the growth of digital connection,

oftentimes our interactions with people are even on a, just a social level are

is digital first before it's in person.

And so really, which is some of those things are, are good.

There are healthy parts to all of those. Those should not be abandoned,

but the shadow side of all three of those values is we, as a culture are,

I think getting a little stunted and we can be, we need to be watchful of getting

getting stunted on having really healthy, life-giving relationships?

Do we know how to grow in those relationships? Do we know how to work through

conflict in relationships, whether it's a coworker, a friendship, a family member?

Do we know how to have those healthy, life-giving relationships?

And that's mission critical because that is central to being human.

We are designed to be human on so many levels. levels. We cannot thrive.

You and I, as much as we love to think I'm an island, I can do it all myself.

We are not designed to operate like that. We're not designed to thrive like that professionally.

We're not designed to thrive like that spiritually.

We're not designed to thrive like that emotionally. And so with a culture that is in a lot of ways,

I think heading towards some some challenges and maybe in the midst of some

relational challenges and things like friendships and healthy relationships.

Empathy is absolutely critical because if we're going to have that kind of thriving

relationship, we have to have that skill of understanding someone else's situation.

It all comes back to the value of relations.

We can't really understand the power of empathy until we understand the importance

of relationships in our life.

And I think we all realize that because I think a lot of times we sense a loneliness.

We might be surrounded by people, but we have kind of a loneliness in our lives.

Yeah. And so thinking back to empathy and how that applies to relationships,

there are different spheres where we have relationships.

Can you talk us through those different spheres? fears? Yeah,

absolutely. Let's take this idea of empathy.

Let's walk that out. So how does empathy create those relationships?

In the end, our relationships are about intimacy.

It's about, which really, especially talking biblically, which we could go down

the rabbit hole, but that's another podcast another day.

But really intimacy in the Bible, it's linked, the idiom for that is linked to the word knowledge.

We're known by other people.

And if we think about like, if you were to just pull someone aside on the,

on the street and you were to ask someone like, what do you value in a friend?

They would probably be using words surrounding intimacy and knowledge.

So they would be using words like, man, I want someone who's always got my back.

Yeah. I want someone who's, who's going to stand up for me.

I want someone who's there for me. I want someone I can trust.

I want someone who's present. All of those things, if I can't know how to have

your back or support you, if I don't know you, I don't really know you.

And not just like the social media version of you, like, like I know you,

I know what, you know, I can't be a supportive person.

I can't be there in your time of need. If I don't know you well enough to know you have a need.

And so really when it comes down to it, that relational need that we have,

that relational gear that we have, that relational desire,

that relational part of ourselves that humans are wired for. We're wired with that.

That comes back down to intimacy and knowledge. We have to know one another.

And really, again, it goes back to, I have a friend, if I have a coworker,

if I have my spouse or my child, it comes back to deeply knowing them.

And that knowledge is like, I I, I not only just know facts of what you're walking

through, but I'm putting myself in from your perspective.

What must it be like to walk through that?

That empathy equips me to be a trustworthy person in the season. Cause I know the stakes.

It equips me to know like, Hey, this person, what this person needs,

how I can support them. It equips me to know how to have their back.

So that empathy is needed. And so there's several fears, several spheres.

There's that, that it's powerful. I think maybe that we could talk about this

and we will throughout the series, but maybe Maybe just a couple just to hit

briefly would be the work sphere and the home sphere.

So what should we talk about first? Let's talk about work first. How does that look like?

Yeah. So in the work sphere, we've got our coworkers.

That's a key part of it. We also have our customers or our clients,

depending on the industry, the people that we work with. Let's just start with coworkers.

Man, let's talk about empathy up. If I have a boss, man,

appreciating and anticipating the needs of a boss is like one of the most valuable

commodities in a co in a coworker that requires empathy.

I've got to think through things from that perspective as a leader.

If I have people that report to me, one of the most valuable skills is empathy.

I can, it's self-awareness and EQ, but it's also appreciating maybe their hard

work, appreciating how much they put into it.

I mean, all of those soft skills as a leader ultimately comes down to, to empathy.

I mean, there's power in that to, to be released as not only to add value to

those that you report to, but actually as a leader, these are things we'll probably

dig into as we go through this series, even as a coworker to be a great teammate.

Is to appreciate, hey, you worked really hard on this. Like,

I'm not going to come in last minute and mess everything up.

Or, hey, man, you're going through a hard time. How can I come alongside of you?

When we think about how to be on mission as city changers and showing love to

coworkers, man, the personal side, hey, I'm recognizing that person's going through a hard time.

They've got a sick family member or they're walking through maybe a medical or financial issue.

Man, if I want to care for that person at work, that's empathy.

I'm not just going Going in as a productive robot, I'm coming in as like I'm surrounded by humans.

Ultimately, good customer service comes down to empathy.

I understand and I'm anticipating what is the experience of the customer coming in.

I mean, caring for those, if you're a teacher or you're a medical professional

or a counselor or you're a first responder, man, there's the bedside manner

that's required in all of those industries that comes down to empathy.

And maintaining that empathy.

It is so powerful when we think about entering into that work sphere.

And there's also different levels of intimacy or relationship that you have at work versus home.

So walk us through how that would look like at home, like in your marriage with your kids.

Yeah, absolutely. And again, I mean, there's a whole world here that we can

go into and through this series, we'll dig deeper.

But as we're just kind of talking overview, the power of empathy,

man, it is mission critical in your marriage.

It's mission critical as a parent and honestly sometimes that's the spot that

we we forget to deploy empathy honestly like the difference one of the key differences

to between a married couple of just being like roommates versus like.

Being intimate as emotionally as

a couple is empathy you know if we're if it's if

our marriage has been reduced to like who gets the

kids where and you know uh running the

schedule and just running the playbook but really stopping and sometimes we

forget of like entering into what is my spouse walking through right now and

especially in times of care almost every marriage at some point there is long

suffering you know there's someone that's walking through a chronic chronic, difficult situation.

Maybe it's a husband that's lost a job and it's a long season that's emotionally

and professionally difficult.

Maybe it's a chronic illness that one of them has or, or, or whatever it may

be like in maintaining that empathy is so critical.

I remember there's a, there's a movie that Rebecca and I love that is about

this. It's a great movie about, about marriage.

And there's this one scene where this woman, she, she thinks that her husband's having an affair.

He's not, but she hires this private investigator and the private investigator

she hires has this, the total as a love life disaster.

And so he basically asks her, why are you fighting so hard for your marriage?

And there's this really profound line where she looks at him and she says,

you know, there's something about marriage where the other person is a witness to your life.

And I love that idea. Like there's just your, your spouse is this person that

is a witness to your life that no one else is.

And to really enter into that space and draw strength from that.

Is empathy, walking with empathy and intentionally thinking,

what must it be like for my spouse, if you're, for my wife, if you're a husband

or for my husband, if you're a wife, what must it be like for them to walk through that?

There are a lot of people that are lonely in their marriage,

but to draw empathy, to deploy empathy is how you draw strength from that partnership.

But I also think as parents, sometimes we can forget.

I mean, it's been a long time since I I was my kid's age and sometimes I'm kind

of, I have adult expectations on them,

you know, like they, they have, you know, they, they, they're,

I heard a comedian talk about like your,

your child's carrying a balloon out of the, out of the circus and they actually

let it go and it, you know, just drifts away and they have a meltdown and you're kind of like,

it's a balloon, like it costs less than one cent.

And this, and he was saying like, yeah, imagine for them, it's like your wallet floating away.

I mean, you'd freak out. I mean, that's a big deal. And the gear of a parent

being able to remember this is not an adult.

Like, what is it like for a child to walk through that?

Man, sometimes that's the game changer of what the Bible says as a dad,

don't exasperate your children.

Now, one way of exasperating my children is having adult expectations on a child

who's supposed to be a child. They're not supposed to be little adults.

And entering into empathy is just so profound to have the right expectations,

to pick the right consequences, to think through making a big deal on the right things,

employing empathy into those in all these spheres.

Again, we will do deeper dives, but just we're talking about the power of empathy.

I mean, it's a game changer in relationships with friendships,

game changer at work as a professional.

It's a game changer in marriage, game changer in parenting.

This skill is a way of loving the people around us and staying interconnected

in these relationships.

Yeah. And it's also great for your kids. They see, they witness that and it will help. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And it helps just in their growth and in their emotional intelligence.

Absolutely. And so as we talk about the power of empathy in these different

spheres, how can we do that?

What is a practical takeaway that we could, like, what can we do for homework to practice on empathy?

Yeah. So what's one takeaway? Here's what I would, I guess, most on my heart

is that, maybe there was a sphere that you felt a tug about,

but maybe if you're watching, and you're listening, what I would just say,

especially think about in your home.

So is there someone that you're feeling convicted? You've lost some empathy

for, so maybe it's your spouse.

Maybe it's your, one of your kids, or, or maybe your aging parents,

you know, it's aging parents there in a season of life that we can't appreciate

because we're not there yet.

You know, whatever it may be, is there someone close to you,

especially in your family that That you need to, maybe it's that sibling that's

wayward or drives you crazy.

Is there someone in your immediate family you need to recapture some empathy,

prayerfully asking the Lord, help me appreciate what must it be like to walk

through the season that they're walking through? So let's take that as our homework.

Well, that's really good. And that's really practical. Maybe this week,

let's practice on thinking of that person that we can have more empathy towards.

And so that was really good, Roby. We'll continue this conversation on empathy,

and we'll see you next time.

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