Parenting Young Adults: Letting Go Well

Hey, welcome back to the city of life podcast.

We're continuing our series where we're talking through parenting and young adults.

So how do you parent young adults and hey, young adults, how do you relate to your parents

in this new season of life?

We've been talking about that for a few weeks and today we're going to focus on the young

adults relationship, young adults perspective with their parents.

And I'm joined by the one, the only Angelica Barros, who is currently a young adult herself

and has three young adults as well.

How she does both at the same time.

It's amazing.

She's that's why she's the one and only.

And then we've also got Jeremy Augusto here.

He oversees our student ministry and our young adult ministry.

He is also a young adult.

And so he has recently navigated his relationship with his parents as a young adult.

Not that his parents might be listening on this podcast, but he's just such a great young

adult.

So man, I appreciate it.

We all, we all look up to his young adult relationship with his parents, how he is parenting

his parents.

Oh gosh.

How are you relating to your parents, Jeremy?

How am I parenting my parents?

Yeah.

That's about what we're talking about today.

Sure.

That's what young adults do think though.

How are we parenting?

Well, once you hit like 22 years old, I mean, what more do you need to learn?

Obviously you've learned everything you need to know.

You know everything.

So you don't even need your parents anymore.

Right.

You've got it all figured out.

You've lived enough life.

Yes.

Yeah.

Right.

That's, that's the common perspective.

Certainly.

So why don't you kick us off here, Jeremy?

Where are we, where are we going to be?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I mean, first things first, I think this is such a critical conversation.

Something that I mean, should be normalized just as far as talking about our relationship

with our parents in different stages as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult.

But I just, I just see this being so, so critical, so, so beneficial because I believe that there

is a desire in all of us where we want to see our relationships flourish and grow, especially

in our relationship with our parents.

And with a series and conversation like this, I really appreciate it because we're looking

at it from both perspectives, the parent perspective and also the young adult perspective.

And the reality is it takes two to tango, you know, to see a relationship grow and flourish,

that it requires the investment, the love and humility on both ends from the parent

and the young adult.

So to kick off our time, I wanted to go through a passage in the book of Ephesians, in Ephesians

chapter six.

And so you guys can take a second to get there.

But something that I really, really appreciate, really love about this book is how Paul, he

makes, he gives his readers, he gives his audience an understanding of what the gospel

is, what it looks like to believe and experience the gospel.

And we see in the second half of this book, the second half of this letter, what it looks

like to put the gospel into practice, how to live it out, what it looks like to experience

the gospel in our relationships, more specifically in the family dynamic.

So in Ephesians chapter six, this is what it says in verses one through three.

It says, children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Honor your father and mother.

This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you

may live long in the land.

He begins with identifying children and how children are commanded and instructed to place

themselves under the authority and leadership of their parents.

And then we move on to verse number two, which doesn't identify a specific group, but makes

it more general.

Paul says, honor your father and mother.

This is the first commandment with a promise.

And so what we see here in this verse is how no matter what stage of life, no matter what

age, as a son, as a daughter, you are to honor your parents.

That just throughout all the seasons of life, like that's a non-negotiable.

That's something to prioritize and keep in your relationship with your parents.

Now what's the definition of honor?

What does it look like to honor?

To value, to esteem and treat someone as weighty or significant.

Now how we apply this in the relationship between a son and daughter with their parent,

what does it look like to honor them?

It looks like to value them, to respect them and to care for them.

To value them, treating your parents as significant, not disposable or irrelevant, seeing them

as placed in your life by God.

To respect them, speaking to them, speaking about them with dignity, not dismissing, mocking

or demeaning them even in a disagreement.

And finally care, remaining relationally faithful, supporting and caring for them over time,

not just during dependency, but throughout remaining relationally faithful to them.

Now coming out of this text, how do we apply this in the young adult setting, the young

adult's relationship with their parents?

If honoring is the framework for how to approach my relationship with my parents, what does

that look like as a young adult?

Where I think first we have to identify the shift that comes with entering into the young

adult season of life.

That you are transitioning out of a season where you are more dependent on your parents

to a season where you are less dependent on your parents.

You're the one who's making more decisions for yourself on your own.

And I think a challenge that young adults tend to come across is balancing two things.

Preserving your relationship with your parents and also cultivating this sense of independency.

What are your guys' thoughts on that?

I think it is right.

I mean, as a child is growing up and you go into them becoming a teenager, like as a parent,

you need to allow them to make decisions.

Otherwise, when you wait till they're 18, they're like, OK, now you make all the decisions.

They're going to make mistakes.

You know, they're not even going to know how to make a decision.

So I think for them to have that as a parent, though, you need to cultivate that at home

too.

You need to do that at home and allow them to make that decision.

So then when they are going or, you know, a lot of the times is they're going away for

college, which is a season I'm going through and I'm holding it together.

But it's, you know, they have to make decisions outside of the home.

Have you trained them up to do that?

And then, you know, what is it on the young adult, at least the conversation in our home,

you know, how have you been in our...

Have you been trustworthy in your freedom or your dependence of making these decisions?

Yeah.

So, yeah, I agree.

I think I love what you're you're drawing out there too, Jeremy, the word honor.

That's pretty much, I mean, how I've seen the Bible sum up the relationship that you

should have with your parents as an adult.

That's just the common theme, the word it always lands on.

And what you realize as you become an adult is honor becomes harder as your independence

grows.

Just there's just something about it.

You're becoming more independent, maybe like you said, you're less...

They're not responsible for you anymore as a as their child and you're off on your own

and it's something you have to intentionally do.

I think you had the three words you use were value, respect, and care.

I think those are great.

When you're a child, you're under the parents' authority.

The rules are clear.

The structure is obvious, right?

You just listen to them.

But when you go out of their house, you have to mature and therefore your relationship

has to mature as well.

And you have to grow in your relationship with your parents, recognizing, okay, I need

to intentionally honor them.

I have to approach them as though they are my parents and treat them with value and respect

and care.

And sometimes that's really hard to do.

And I think what's also implied there in the word honor is that you're not always necessarily

agreeing with them.

You're not always necessarily in agreement with how they live their lives or the decisions

they make or maybe even the way they raised you.

But you still need to honor them, like you said, as the ones that God has had entrusted

you to.

And for the rest of your life, they are your parents and God has a purpose for that.

I think sometimes too, maybe you guys can speak to this more, but I have found a lot

of young adults and maybe even myself in the past, I don't know that I do that anymore,

but that season where you're transitioning into becoming a young adult and you're becoming

your own person and you're trying to figure out how that relationship with your parents

matures and how you relate to them and what that relationship should look like now.

I find that a lot of young adults end up villainizing their upbringing and maybe even villainizing

their parents a little bit for it, where they become an adult now.

And then they're like, hey, why didn't you provide for me in that way?

Why didn't you do that for me?

Why was it like this in our home?

Because now they're an adult and they think they've got it all figured out and they know

how to parent.

They might not even have kids yet, but they suddenly know everything and they know how

to parent now.

And they're comparing their adulthood to the way their parents raised them as a kid.

And they start maybe even twisting things and not remembering correctly, but judging

their parents.

And that becomes a difficult season too, to just like process as a young adult and

not villainize them, recognizing like that's part of honoring.

No, I know they did the best they can with what they had.

And if I had a kid right now, it'd probably be even worse than the situation.

I don't know.

What do you guys think about that?

I mean, I think there is some value to that.

There are times where, um, and it's not, it's not villainizing anything.

Like my daughter has been like, well, cause there's three of them.

I have three girls and so all different ages.

And so with that comes maturity and like, or your career path.

Right.

And so what was our income in my first born's life?

And then my third is very, very different, you know?

And so, um, there's a little different.

Yeah.

And our income was different, you know?

And, um, so the question was always like, well, why didn't I get that?

And she got that.

And the conversation that I've been having with, with my children and they are working

adults now.

So, uh, they understand is like, Hey, like as you're at work, you, you, there's a area,

there's a, uh, a starting point that you have in your career.

Right.

And there's a pay that comes with that.

Well, as you're growing older, that happens with us, you know, um, you know, your father's

career was different.

And my career was different.

There were times where I didn't work.

And so just understanding that this is just where we were at and we did the best we could

with what we had, like, and then I always throw it back at them.

Like, did you have a bad childhood?

Like, can you share with me?

Like, do we need to do counseling?

That's so good.

That's good perspective.

And I think, I think I used the wrong word in villainizing.

I think what you're saying is spot on.

You're trying to interpret, trying to understand your childhood because now you're an adult,

you're fully conscious, you have a more developed brain, you're out of the parent's house.

And so now you're trying to process your childhood.

And so you have a lot of questions, you know, like on fairness, like why did they get that?

And I didn't.

And, and it's so good that your young adult children have a willingness and a relationship

with you to go and just ask and just talk to you about it and dialogue.

Yeah.

And I think it's important for parents who are listening to this to understand they're

trying to, they're processing work now.

They don't have summers off.

They've got two weeks off, two weeks of vacation, and this is a big change to them and they're

processing how to do their bills and they're processing like, how did you do this?

You know?

And so it's the willingness to be open and not also on the parent's point of view, like

they're asking questions sometimes to just ask, you know, it isn't to villainize you.

This is not about your feelings.

It's for them to understand.

And so on both sides, it's building that relationship and having that conversation because as they're

working and as they're paying bills, they're going to real, they will realize, you know,

and then like part of me wants to put myself in their perspective, but that was such a

long time ago as a young adult, that it's like, okay, hey, they're seeking to understand

and I need to have grace and even how they word it because they're still, you know.

Yeah.

They don't know how to communicate well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then I, so the young adults out there who are listening, don't, don't villainize

your parents.

Like while you're processing and while you're trying to interpret your childhood, like Angelica

is saying, um, sometimes it's like you just mark off your parents like, oh, they, they

just always did me wrong and not seek to understand and not have those conversations.

Yeah.

And I love the parent perspective of like when they ask those questions, even if it's

worded horribly or it's said with a lot of emotions and passion, try to see through that,

that they're really just trying to understand and process their own childhood.

And it's okay for both parties, the young adult to admit they're not perfect, that they

were a crazy kid that made mistakes and you weren't a perfect parent either.

And I think that's probably one of the most like healthy conversations you can have with

your kid of like, hey, you know, I wasn't perfect either and you're not going to be

the perfect parent either.

None of us are.

And sorry that I yelled at you that one time, didn't realize you'd remember it 30 years

later, 20 years later, 15 years later, whatever it is, you know, it's like, I was just a bad

day.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I also think too, like maybe the word villainize, maybe could be a little bit too much, but

maybe it's like adding too much pressure on my parents where I'm setting maybe unrealistic

expectations on them.

That's good.

Like, I am looking to them to affirm me in this way, love me in this way, provide for

me in this way.

And seeing that they didn't follow those expectations, it sheds light on a deeper heart issue that

maybe I was looking to them to do and be for me only what God can do.

That's good.

Heavenly father.

Yeah.

And I think just going along with what you're saying, like as a young adult to really keep

reality in mind, like, did my parents have the same upbringing as me?

What could they afford while I was growing up, like reflecting on all of these things

with a rational perspective?

But yeah, I think if we ever get to moments like that where we're putting pressure on

our parents or villainizing them or setting these unrealistic expectations, we got to

go back to our heart and recognize that they're a human just like I'm a human.

They're further ahead in life, but we still share the same flesh and blood.

But something that I kept hearing while you guys were talking is just how the young adult

season is training grounds.

Like the young adult season is a season of life where I am being more prepared to be

on my own because that's the next season, right?

And something that I was thinking about is just this topic, this action step of honor,

what it would look like to honor my parents as a young adult honoring my parents looks

like responsibly stewarding the freedom they trust me with.

So what are the areas in my life that looking back at as I was a child, as I was a teenager,

the areas where my parents had more say on, my parents had more authority over, and now

seeing that I have more say in these areas, how can I steward this freedom with wisdom?

That being my spirituality, that being how I manage my time, that being my relationships

and my finances, these are all things that my parents took care of as I grew up.

But now it's my responsibility to take care of these things.

Should I abuse the freedom?

Should I respond with recklessness?

No.

But to respond with wisdom and by responding with wisdom, not only is that honoring my

parents and preserving our relationship, but that's also maturing me.

What do you guys think on that?

Yeah.

I like that.

I like the, when you're talking about time, so we now have an 18 year old and she's magically

an adult and it's just the magic age, but it's like trusting her.

She's always been good.

Like we've allowed our kids to go to some parties, you know, we were like, just remember

who you represent, you know, and, and it's not the Barrow's family, you know, you represent

someone else who's greater.

And she has always been good with time while like this past weekend, she's like, mom, I'm

going to go out.

And I'm like, okay, that's great.

You know, who are you hanging out with?

And then I almost was like, oh, what time are you going to come home?

And what, you know, all the questions that come behind, my husband has to be like, hey,

pause, like, she's good.

She's good.

Cause this is the child that has to be in bed by nine.

It doesn't matter.

She's like tired.

She's like, peace out guys.

I gotta go.

She'll have friends over.

Peace out guys.

I'm getting ready.

You can hang out with my mom, but it's that now, you know, she has proven to us in the

past that she's responsible for their time.

So now it's like, okay, I trust you with this time.

Let her, let her do it.

You know?

And you were able to get to that point because you guys wisely as parents slowly, you know,

loosened the leash a little bit over her high school years and let her have the opportunity

to build trust, you know, cause as you really start to become an adult at 14 years old,

13 years old, you're, you're transitioning into an adulthood and, and to slowly let her

build that trust brought you to a point where now she's 18, I think going off to college,

right.

It's kind of scary, but now you've built trust and you know, she's, she's got some

responsibility in her cause she was building it throughout high school rather than, okay,

you're 18.

You suddenly flip a switch.

You're an adult now.

No, I'll make your own decisions.

See you later.

Yeah.

That, that would be really hard for anyone.

So I like how when you were, you were laying out the different steps there, you weren't

giving ages.

You were just saying like, Hey, this is how you slowly transition and responsibility and

honoring from obeying your parents to honoring them.

And it's a slow transition.

This age is when everything changes.

You know, I think that's, that's spot on.

Yeah.

And I think it's different for every kid there.

Like I have three girls and they're very different, you know, all raised in the same household,

but God created them different.

They're built differently.

And so what is one strength could be the other one's weakness.

And so you have to lead and guide them.

And each time, like young adults, like each time is hard, it is hard to let go because

been in your care, you know, you love them.

Like the Lord called you to love them and care for them.

And now it's like, okay, leave the nest, but it's still very, very hard, but it's trusting

the Lord, like the Lord sovereign in your life.

So as fun and, and, and exciting as the next adventure is like going off to college or,

you know, moving out on your own, like all of that is, it's exciting.

It's scary as heck for us parents and understand that that's like a season where your parents

are probably dealing with something internally because it's so scary.

Like we're having to like, we're actually putting our faith in the Lord and really practicing

that.

I'm panicking right now.

Mine are five and three and I'm just, I can't imagine, you know, 10 years from now I'm going

to be teaching my daughter how to drive and she'll be in high school.

It's just, it goes so fast.

It is quick.

I know that that's so cliche, but then it's like, okay, so then you have, you go away

for college.

Well, when you go away for college, there's some responsibilities that young adults take,

you know now you are not in your parents' household and you have to manage your time.

And college is very different than high school.

Like in high school, you have a set time.

Everything's laid out.

Homework is laid out.

You know, teachers are following you in college and you're like, okay, here's your work.

And to the young adults out there too, I think one of the biggest ways, and I might be jumping

ahead here.

I don't know.

You might, you're probably going to hit this Jeremy, but whatever.

From the young adults perspective, I think one of the biggest ways you can respect and

honor your parents in that season, like when you're in college, post-college, in your twenties,

you know, you're still young and figuring life out and processing your childhood is

by the way you talk about your parents, talk about the way you talk about your parents

with family, friends, friends, people you meet.

A lot of times we'll, again, you know, as we're processing it, maybe we're villainizing

the whole thing, or maybe we're still processing why certain ones, some things were a certain

way when you thought it should be this way and your expectations and you're figuring

it all out.

And so we can tend to vent to other people and complain about our parents and say, oh,

my parents did this and all my parents never gave me that.

And all my friends got that.

And I don't know why I never did.

And just, you find yourself complaining more and more.

And then that complaining is also speaking into your own soul and becoming what you believe

about your parents.

I think part of honoring is, is being respectful as you're talking about them and saying nice

things about them.

And then even when someone's like, yeah, my parents got me my first car, it was the best.

And it's like, oh yeah, my parents, you know, they didn't get me my first car, but that's

okay.

Like they taught me this, this and that and the process and, and they helped me, helped

me buy my first car.

They did a little bit differently and it's just, our situation was a little bit different.

You're not speaking about it in a negative light as you're processing it.

You're just, you're just thinking it, you're thinking through it and processing as an adult,

but you're also being respectful to your parents and the way you communicate that.

Yeah.

Honoring is the best course of action.

And this thought came to mind, but just because my relationship with my parents or a young

adult's relationship with their parents is probably the most intimate relationship that

they have.

Don't you think that the, the dynamic in that relationship can also be revealed in

other relationships?

And what I mean by that is if someone is willing to speak poorly about their parents, isn't

it easy for them to do that with someone else, say a friend or, you know, future spouse?

It's good.

I feel like maybe by putting into practice, just honoring speech with my parents, that

also prepares me to speak honorably of, you know, my future spouse or my boss or so like,

like people, other friendships, like, like that, that honoring quality is, is built in

and prepares me for other seasons and other relationships.

I think it's spot on.

If you're on a date with somebody and all I do is complain about their parents, that's

a bad look.

Even if the parents were like the worst parents on earth, that's just, you can just see where

their heart's at.

They're very bitter.

I think that's, that's spot on.

I have this question that, I mean, I wanted to run by you guys, but just like, it's,

it's different as a child, teenager, but like as a young adult, since you do have that freedom,

you do have that independence.

How do you deal with those scenarios where like you're in disagreement with your parents?

How do you guys take that?

Well, I can say my kids don't always take all my advice, but what we do know is as they

are young adults, like I have to trust their decisions, even if I don't agree with it.

And again, we've said that young adults is a training ground, you know, for making decisions

and they're forming their own thoughts, they're, you know, who they are, they're becoming who

they are, who God created them to be.

And on the parent's side of view, it's like, you can only give advice.

Like I can't make you like, even I've said this as they're teenagers, like as a parent,

like their faith becomes their own.

You can't make them believe in Jesus.

You can't make them have their quiet time, like truly have their quiet time.

They can do it begrudgingly, but what is that in their heart?

And then with their decision making, like there are a lot of times where I don't agree

and they make their decision and sometimes it's the best decision for them, you know,

and I have to trust that, I have to trust them.

And sometimes they make mistakes and there are consequences to that.

And so if you don't agree, like I have had where my kids are like, mom, I don't agree

with that.

Poppy, I don't agree with that.

This is what I want to do.

And my husband usually takes the lead because he's awesome.

But he's like, okay, Nina, like this is your life.

It's your money.

It's your, like, this is going to affect you.

You know, this is your education or whatever it is, it's like, okay, then it's, this is

your decision.

But then on the other point of it, there's been times where there have been consequences

and you're like, okay, well, you know, this is your decision.

This is something that you've done.

This is something that you're going to do, you know, okay.

That's the consequence.

And you have to let them, they have to be able to make mistakes.

You're still their parents, you know, and you're not always going to like financially

care for everything or anything, but they're there, you're there for support.

You know, it doesn't mean just because you disagree doesn't mean you lose that, that

title of parents, you know?

So I think on the parent side, you have to let them, they have to make mistakes.

How are they going to learn?

Yeah.

You know, but there's, it's the way you approach it.

It's the honoring on both the parent side and on the young adult side.

Now, if you are the young adult and you're like, well, I'm going to do it no matter what

you say.

Well, how do you think that's going to be received?

If that's how your parents are like, well, I'm going to do this no matter what you say.

So it's always that it's that honoring, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think, you know, going back, what we said just a second ago, honoring a big part of

that is how you speak about your parents.

It's also how you speak to your parents.

Honoring doesn't always mean you're in complete agreement with them.

It means you're going to honor them by communicating with them, communicating well with them, communicating

with love to them, and just sitting down and saying, Hey, I disagree.

This is where I'm at.

I'm going to go this direction.

I know you're not for it.

I know you don't like it.

I'm sorry, but I really believe that this is the direction I need to go in.

That's honoring.

That's respectful.

And I think you're right, Angelica, like if as a parent, you should love that you're hearing

that from your child, that they're willing to sit you down, respectfully tell you what's

going on, respectfully tell you that they disagree, because you didn't ever set out

to raise a child that never disagreed with you.

You wanted a child that could grow up to learn how to think for themselves and make their

own decisions and own their own decisions and be responsible.

So that's them living out what you wanted them to be.

It just hurts because now it's towards you, but you should be glad that they have the

boldness and the courage and the thought to carefully decide which direction they need

to go in.

And it might be a bad one, but at least they're sitting down and talking to you about it and

lovingly doing so.

Yeah.

I think that conversation alone to share their thought or even disagreeing, hey, I understand

that this is what you've said, but this is what I'm going to do.

That conversation in itself is honoring because you don't have to have that conversation,

you know, to actually have that conversation is honoring.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm seeing like pros to like both sides, whether they make a good decision or a bad

decision, because if they make a good decision, then that gives you more trust that they've

really thought this out and they made a good decision for themselves.

But also even if they made a bad decision and they understand and experience the weight

of the consequences of their decisions, like they now know how to respond differently when

that situation arises.

So I mean, it benefits the relationship and it also benefits kind of their growth.

But I would also for the young adult, like if you find yourself in a space where you're

disagreeing with your parents, you disagree with your parents or you're disagreeing with

your parents.

Like I would I would challenge you to ask a very humbling question is why do you disagree

with them?

Do you disagree with them because of what they're saying or do you disagree with them

because they're your parents?

That makes sense.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Because it's like my friend can say the same thing and I'm like, oh, I'm with them.

Because it came from my parents.

Oh, no.

Like, I don't agree.

Like, they're wrong.

It's true.

That is so true.

And that's true in a lot of like different age groups.

Like I could say this.

I could say something to my daughter and she'd be like, oh, my husband could say something

like, oh, well, Papi, and you're just like, man, what am I, chopped liver, you know?

But it's just it's dynamics of relationships, you know?

I'm sure there are things that my mom could say to me and I would just roll my eyes or

just be like, oh, you know, and then my sister could say the same thing.

You're like, oh, my gosh, you know?

I do want to say, hey, young adults, also realize your parents have parents that they

have to honor.

So parents, be mindful of how you respond to your parents because they're going to imitate

that.

They're watching you.

Yeah.

That's good.

All right.

Well, this has been another episode of the City Rev Life podcast.

Be sure to tune in next week when we're kicking off a brand new series.

See you guys then.

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