What You Come Home To

Audi Day (00:05)

Welcome to Anonymous Church, a podcast sharing real stories of faith, church, and ministry, and all the ways that they've shaped us. Each week, you'll hear stories submitted anonymously, honest conversations with guests, and reflections that remind us that we're not alone. This is a safe space to speak your truth and heal together.

today's guest is Grace,

And Grace is wise beyond her years,

She's a proud mom of two. And while she spends most of her time with her family, she does love to cook and she loves to read.

Grace grew up deeply immersed in church, but she says that she did not find true faith or spirituality until she stepped away from it.

That journey has completely reshaped her perspective and it really deepened her sense of who she is today.

Speaker 2 (00:55)

Welcome. Thank you. I'm so glad that you're here. ⁓ I asked people on

what expectation from your childhood and church still impacts you today? And I thought some of the answers were interesting. first one says,

Being terrified that all of my family and friends would be taken in the rapture. Oh, left behind really ruined it for us. A couple of them were similar. One just says fear. if I'm not obedient, bad things will happen to me. A belief that anything negative that happens to me is a direct punishment for my sin.

I feel like I still carry that as an adult. Two of them were about purity culture, which I'm interested to talk about too. I still carry shame from purity culture. I'm not even religious anymore. So just given your history, will you just give us like a brief synopsis of

like, what was your church life like growing up?

Grace (01:51)

I had pretty much all of my family members working in the church. That's all I knew. Yeah. going to church. But it was because it was all I knew. It was fun for me. Right. I loved it. Until I didn't.

Speaker 2 (02:08)

Like how old were you? Do you remember or were you just like born into this dynasty?

Grace (02:12)

It all started when my grandfather started working at the church. And then it kind of trickled down to other family members. It was my mom, my aunt, my uncle,

Speaker 2 (02:24)

So with that, I know that sometimes when you work in a church that doesn't really

equate to like your life at home. So how would you say that impacted your home life growing up? That literally your whole family was working at a church.

Grace (02:38)

Yeah, you know what was really interesting? I don't really know how to articulate this super well. My family, we grew up in the church, but I wouldn't say we're super religious people. I don't think we have ever been really. Like when the whole family gets together, my pawpaw would pray, but like that's pretty much the extent of it. Like we're very, um...

Speaker 2 (02:50)

interesting.

Grace (03:04)

Sorry in advance to my family, but like we don't really like have deep conversations or Like I know families where it is like this is all we talk about. This is all we do. This is how we live.

Speaker 2 (03:17)

Your

whole identity is religion.

Grace (03:19)

And it wasn't really like that.

Speaker 2 (03:21)

So you had like a relatively normal childhood?

Okay, I'm curious because I was in ministry too, so I carry some weird levels of guilt for like missing things in my kids. Is that something you ever experienced or do you feel like your parents and family balanced it well?

Grace (03:37)

⁓ Well, both of my parents worked. So anytime there was something at school, my parents weren't there. that's so weird because I just had a thought not that long ago where I was like, I just remembered me being at these events and seeing the other kids moms that are like stay at home moms. like, I don't have my mom here, but now I get to be that for my kids. Yeah. But yeah, my parents didn't really

to come to a lot of things. yeah they weren't really around very often. think it was hard for my mom to show up.

Speaker 2 (04:12)

How has that impacted your, if this is okay to ask, how has that impacted your relationship with your parents as an adult?

Grace (04:19)

Yeah, it's harder for me and my mom.

I think any mother daughter relationship can be quite complicated, but I remember as a child she would come home exhausted from work, emotionally spent. She would come home crying a lot. And as a kid, the only way you internalize those things is, it's me. And so I would think,

like I'm too much because she has nothing to give to me, but she just was spent from her job. She just had nothing left to give. The life was getting sucked out of her. ⁓ But that doesn't change the fact that that's how I internalized it as a kid and that's how my brain was

Speaker 2 (05:03)

It's so healthy that you can articulate that and kind of just acknowledge like, hey, even though this wasn't the intention, this is still what I experienced and I'm still healing from that.

Grace (05:16)

you

Speaker 2 (05:17)

so are there any silly things that you remember from your childhood that you're like, why did we believe this? I didn't warn you with this question. I'm just curious.

Grace (05:27)

we have talked about briefly, in school, I was the quiet student. followed all of the rules. No, I just went to. I just was the perfect

Speaker 2 (05:38)

Did you go to a Christian school? Okay, I wasn't sure I wanted to

Grace (05:46)

But I just didn't really have a lot of friends. just didn't have a ton of people to talk to. But that got me a lot of awards.

Speaker 2 (05:54)

No, this is going.

Grace (05:55)

a lot of awards in middle school and one of them is just really weird to think about and I kind of forgot about it and then once it came back to my memory I was like what happened? Yeah I'm like wait okay I got this award in middle school called the student of today. got what is the word initiated? I don't know.

Speaker 2 (06:05)

How is that real?

Hey.

But also accurate that feels like the right way

Grace (06:20)

So weird. the Masonic Lodge, which did.

Speaker 2 (06:24)

Did you

like learn any secrets? That's really what I want to know.

Grace (06:27)

I

learned nothing. I had no idea what it was. I'm like they picked one girl and one boy out of the whole school.

Speaker 2 (06:35)

I didn't even know girls could be a part of it.

Grace (06:37)

I didn't know that either. I didn't even know what it was. And then I was like, wait, what? Why is this a men's cult? And why am I 14 being initiated into this?

it says fraternity if you look it up online, but it was all old white men.

Speaker 2 (06:52)

For grownups, do grownups need fraternities?

Grace (06:56)

for

grownups. The picture I have.

He's giving Gru. Yeah. So it's definitely interesting. It's so weird. I didn't know what was happening. I just thought, yay, I'm getting this award.

Speaker 2 (07:01)

Huh?

Finally, someone acknowledges my accomplishment.

Grace (07:13)

notices me this is amazing and then I was talking with my mom about it and she was like I had gotten it but I was so excited so they didn't say anything but we get to this building it's in downtown and all the windows are blocked off so it's dark inside there's just these people sitting in there and I'm sitting there and I'm like what is it was so creepy

Speaker 2 (07:36)

BEEP

Yeah, When we were talking about that, I assumed like, ⁓ you probably went to a private school, but no, they were just picking kids in public schools.

Grace (07:45)

I'm

going to public school!

weird, and it makes no sense.

Speaker 2 (07:50)

No, and it's very secretive, like...

Grace (07:52)

Yeah, apparently they have like secret handshakes and code words and stuff like that. But I didn't get to know any of that. I just got my award, had to take a picture with the old guy, and then I moved on with my day.

Speaker 2 (08:05)

Oh my gosh. Okay, so let's talk through as you got older. you said in your bio that you were a teen mom. So if you feel comfortable sharing, I don't know this part of your story.

Did you just like get married really young? Did you get pregnant before you were married? Like, and what did that look like from a religious standpoint with your family?

Grace (08:23)

I think I left the church around 16 and I decided this actually doesn't make any sense. And I don't feel welcome here anymore. But that is where I met my husband. We were volunteering together. And we started dating, fell in love really fast. mean, we were young.

just decided, well, like you're who I want to spend my life with. Let's get married. At the time that didn't seem crazy. I look back and I'm like, what the, were you thinking?

Speaker 2 (08:55)

old were you?

Grace (08:56)

I was 17. Wow. Yeah, 17 when we got married.

But my parents had gotten married young, his parents got married young, so no one could really tell us don't do that. It was just like, this is what we want to do. And we had planned to get married, and I thought I was going to have years before I was a mom. That was the only thing that I really wanted to do was to be a mom. But then three months after getting married, I was like...

⁓ feeling really sick and I didn't even think anything of it because thanks to purity culture, I had like no information.

then I was like, you know what? I think I was talking to my sister-in-law and she was like, are you? And I was like, there's no way. So Jared brings on this like dollar general pregnancy test immediately two lines and I'm like, I saw the two lines. I sink down on the floor of the bathroom and I'm like, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I'm like, how?

how how how how I cannot be pregnant right now I'm 17 I was so freaked out ⁓ yeah scared we had gone like that day we went to my in-laws house and told them

And then came to my parents' house and we still laugh about this story. I was like, I had this horrible headache. Like I said, I felt like crap. I just felt so bad. I asked her, was like, wait, can you take Tylenol when you're pregnant? And she was like, I don't know, are you pregnant? I was like,

I said yes and I just started bawling. was like, I'm only 17. And it was really terrifying. I was so scared.

Speaker 2 (10:36)

What was it like going in from purity culture of like sex is bad, we don't talk about it, we don't have it, to like I'm now 17 and I'm married and this is allowed. What did that look like if that's okay to ask?

Grace (10:49)

Yeah, it was really confusing. Really confusing. And I still struggle with it. I mean, it's six years later, and I'm still like, ooh, like I'm deep down, like it is in my core that that is bad. Right. But it's not bad for men, just with

Speaker 2 (11:08)

Never.

It's only women. It's all the responsibility of the woman.

Grace (11:12)

Yeah. And so, and it also created like a mental load of that, that men don't have to carry. Right. And yeah, it's still weighs heavy on me, but it was really hard. Cause I'm like, wait, I had like basically a party and signed a piece of paper and all of a sudden this is okay.

Speaker 2 (11:32)

I grew up in a town where purity culture was a big deal, even if you weren't religious, like it was just expected. And I completely rebelled against that. But as I've gotten older, especially raising daughters, I'm curious what this has looked like for you. And I know she's still really little, but I realized like, wait, I have carried some of these things with me, some of these beliefs that I

maybe ignored, but I'm now somehow putting that expectation on my daughters and not my sons. How has raising a daughter looked different for you than like what you experienced?

Grace (12:04)

I, she is my many. So I really take in like everything that I'm doing with her. I'm like, how would this have made me feel when I was younger? It's a heavy burden to put on. I don't know why I put that on myself because I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm like, I'm shaping this human and that's a lot of pressure. And it takes a lot of hard work.

Speaker 2 (12:32)

Yeah.

Grace (12:32)

I just, I don't know. I'm still navigating that because it's to the point where it really...

ways on my mental health. And I'm worried that every little thing I do is going to traumatize her or whatever. And I just want to make sure that at the core of everything, she believes she's good. Yeah. And she's loved. Yeah. And I know she'll get far just knowing those things in her life, which I know she knows because we have like family surrounding us that are like, right. So I know she'll I know she will know that. But yeah, it's still a lot of pressure.

and I just want to make sure she feels, you know, seen emotionally because that's something that I struggled with a lot.

Speaker 2 (13:17)

that's a lot, I think for any kid. Um,

Okay, so this is an interesting question. What values or practices from your faith have you chosen to carry on? And are there any that you're like intentionally like, no, we're absolutely never doing that.

Grace (13:33)

You know, I'm in an awkward phase right now. I'm still in like a growing phase. I'm still trying to figure everything out. There's not much I'm bringing. But, but the... Yeah, I guess there's just really not much I'm bringing because...

Speaker 2 (13:41)

I love it.

Grace (13:52)

I'm bringing what I think faith really is, not what we were taught. Because I was taught I'm bad until I'm good. I was getting baptized at what, eight maybe? And I'm like, I didn't even know what that meant. Purity ring at like 11, again, didn't know what that meant. It was this little sober brand that said Pure. I'm walking around at 11 with that. I don't even know what sex is.

Like, I'm just trying to teach them what I think faith should be. Or really is, but people don't talk

Speaker 2 (14:30)

Yeah, think people still don't a lot of people like don't know they don't know how to identify faith for themselves. And like I I'm still figuring it out too. Like we're trying to wash off this belief system that we had and figure out what this new one is. And I feel like you're really in a great position to have like done that so young.

Because I'm 35 and I'm like man, I feel like I wasted all of my and now I'm finally figuring out who I am and what I believe fate to be and it's just I Think you're in a great position to do that and like set yourself up for a great life. It's a wonderful thing

Grace (15:06)

Yeah, I think I kind of hit a point with myself where I was like, wait, why are we putting limits on God? Yeah. If if God is mighty, all being, why are we putting this limit there? Yeah. And I just kind of took that and ran with it. I'm like, wait, we have no idea. Yeah. Like we.

there is nothing certain within faith. It's just what works for you. And that's just kind of how I'm going to lead my family in that, me and Jared alike.

Because my kids are still like really young. They don't really know. Like even if I would talk about it, they'd be like, what are you talking about? But even though I left the church and I don't, I'm not a religious person. My son does go to a

Christian yeah, stay out and so I know that they're learning that there but what's interesting is they didn't really ever bring it home Because I don't know like

Speaker 2 (16:07)

That is so interesting.

Maybe they're like not internalizing it because it's not their whole identity.

Grace (16:16)

Yeah, I don't know. but I was terrified of them learning religion. don't like because I was like, it's so toxic. And I didn't want them to learn religion that way. Like I'm this is so cliche, but like I'm not a religious person. I'm a spiritual person. That's okay. That's how I'm going to.

Speaker 2 (16:27)

It can be, definitely.

I don't think it's cliche at all.

Grace (16:44)

raise my kids is like, I believe there is something bigger that we are all connected to. I don't think it's a white man in the sky, but I do think there's something bigger. Like I have my own connections with the universe and I want them to have that too. Because also life can feel really scary when you're like, wait, what is beyond this?

Yeah, I just don't want them to feel that way. But also I think leading in love is just the best thing you can do for your kids.

Speaker 2 (17:16)

Yeah, that's

so true. And I think it helps them feel really secure, like, and have the freedom to explore like what what there might be. Yeah. When they're ready. Yeah. There's like no pressure to do that. It is funny when you were talking, I was like, oh, we have become the parents that like, everyone warned us about. hang out with those kids because their parents are religious. Oh, wait, that's me

Grace (17:39)

See that's the mental load that moms carry of like, I traumatizing them right now? With every decision we have to make and why is every decision so heavy?

Speaker 2 (17:48)

Every

single one. And I feel like my kids are all getting much older, like they're all much older than yours. And now I'm in this season of practicing saying like, I am so sorry and not saying I am so sorry.

even though you were also really awful in this situation, like, no, I'm just going to take responsibility because that's what you need in this season. And I think a lot of people in our generation really wish their parents would just say like, I'm really sorry. Cause most of us are not getting that. That's like not the generation we were raised in.

Hopefully not as many will be in therapy by the time we're grandparents. ⁓

Okay, how do you hope that your kids childhood will look like when they're your age and they're sitting across from someone on a podcast? What do you hope that they would say about their childhood?

Grace (18:32)

Yeah.

It was full of love. ⁓

Speaker 2 (18:38)

Yeah.

I think they will say that.

Grace (18:41)

I hope they do. Yeah. Yeah, my childhood wasn't bad by any means, but I hope that they can look back and look back with fond memories. Yeah, I just want them to know that they're good. Yeah. Who they are and just loved for everything about them.

Speaker 2 (19:03)

so And they are, they're so happy. Like they're silly and funny. It's just so cool to watch you guys interact. it's so obvious that there's so much love there. And I think that they will grow up to say that. I hope so.

Grace (19:16)

It's weird, like when you have your own kids, you're like, there are so many aspects to parenting that is so hard. when you're talking about like, I'm sorry, like you were really difficult in that moment. But it's like parenting is harder now because we're focused on everything. We're wanting to make sure they feel heard and seen and appreciated because a kid needs to feel appreciated and loved. it's just.

I just hope that they feel good and I think they will.

Speaker 2 (19:46)

I think they will. It is so hard because we are also trying to do that for ourselves. Like we didn't get that. And so we're trying to like care for ourselves and acknowledge our own feelings while teaching someone else to do that. That is so hard, but I think that's going to break like generational trauma. I think our generation is going to do that. I hope our generation does.

Grace (20:09)

No, I think we will for sure. And we can't break everything when one goes. We are.

Speaker 2 (20:13)

We're doing our best. Yeah,

we'll get through it. I think Yeah. was your transition out of church like. Abrupt or difficult, did it challenge any relationships that you had or was it kind of seamless? Like, what did that look like?

Grace (20:31)

I had two different transitions going on at one time. had the transition that was happening in the church, but then the transition that was happening at home. was 14 at the time when my family crumbled and it was really hard to get through those moments because again, I was only 14. Every emotion felt big and most of the time it was anger and sadness.

I still had my friends at church and that was great because I was a part of a group of girls that would get together every week. But then as things started to progress at home,

my parents kind of went started going through their own faith deconstruction and it just naturally trickled to me and I'm and my brother and I'm like wait what do I believe but at church it was how can I explain this

there was constantly new people. was like, what new people can we get in here? There were favored people. And if you weren't favored, like you weren't really important. If you had been there long enough, they didn't really care about you anymore because they had to bring new people in.

Like they would go after personal connections and then you're like, wow, I feel so important. Someone sees me. And then all of a sudden they don't care about you. So that was happening at that time where I was like, wait, I grew up in this church. Basically my whole family worked at this church. Most people knew who I was. I had been at the same location of church the whole time.

And then it was like, they just didn't care anymore. And I was like, that's different, that's really weird. And then I'm like, wait, why are they doing that? And wait a minute, I don't think I believe what they believe. So it of, it happened on, in both areas, like in the church and at home, which that is one thing that gives me.

hope I guess of like even though my kids are going to like my son is at I mean he's three so like what is he really taking in you know? That's fair. But if they get that from school or whatever

What it really comes down to is what you're coming home to and what happens at home. Because I was in public school and I grew up in that church and I was at that church multiple days a week and it still came down to what I was learning at home. And like I said, my family wasn't super religious. We weren't deep religious people. So it wasn't really hard to deconstruct that.

I'm just like, wait, we were just brainwashed. Like we didn't actually, we weren't thinking for ourselves. And when you start to think for yourself, you're like, wait, that, none of that makes sense. Everything was contradictory at the church. I just finally took a step back and I'm so glad I did that at 16 instead of.

30. 30. Yeah. It was so much easier to do that at 16. I remember, you know, I served with my brother as well and we went into church and there was a rainbow over the church and we genuinely said, love is love, sin is sin. And I look back now

and it hurts my heart to think that I was in that spot. I didn't know any better, but I just hate that because I really felt like I was better than other people.

But I'm like, for what? Your girl wasn't reading the Bible. I can tell you that. I was not reading the Bible. I was just going to church. And they really make you believe that if you're just showing up, then you're better than everybody else. That is so not true. my gosh. And yeah, I just think back on that time and I'm like, man, I'm so glad I left because my world...

in my heart is so much more open for people now. I thought I was living the one right way. And then I'm like, there's so many ways to live life.

Speaker 2 (24:39)

I feel like that's so valid. Like everything you said, feeling like you're better than people. I felt like that too. And I really kind of had an identity crisis when I stepped out of ministry because I thought what's going to make me great now? Like that like set me apart and it really didn't. Like it's just so silly that I thought that way.

and I have way more integrity now than I did then because now I'm not hiding anything. Like I, this is, this is who I am. This is the best that I can be. I don't think I realized what an emotional toll that was taking on me. And I can't imagine the way that you had to feel as a teenager carrying that too.

Grace (25:19)

I know it's really unfortunate, but I'm so glad it was only a couple years that I really understood what was happening and I was able to walk out of that.

Speaker 2 (25:28)

Okay, For anybody listening who is still navigating what their faith might look like, still learning to think for themselves, as you said, what advice would you have for them?

Grace (25:39)

ask yourself why. Every thought you have, like you're like, this is my belief. Okay, why?

just every single thing. Okay, why why do I? Believe that yeah, and then you'll you'll get to the root of it because it's always the thing behind the thing. Yeah, so Yeah, I just started with asking why my parents did that for us when we were going through the faith deconstruction We would say something and they'd be like why and I'm like, hey, I don't know why

Speaker 2 (26:09)

That's so good and that's so simple too.

Yeah, and I think sometimes it feels like a really overwhelming thing to process through what your faith actually is. And that's just a really practical, simple step that anybody can take. And maybe when you ask why, you might think everything I believe is true. And maybe it is for you. But just asking that question gives you kind of permission for it not to be.

Audi Day (26:32)

Okay, this is my last question. What does faith look like for you now? It's hard for me to articulate it. I would say I'm connected to the universe. That's how I feel the most connected spiritually.

I believe that there's just something greater than myself that is taking care of me. I think part of faith when I was younger was there's someone in charge and it's looking out for the bad things. And it's like, ooh, that's scary. Like, my gosh, every little thing I do is going to be judged. Instead, now I'm like, wait.

there's something taking care of me. Like this might be hard right now, but I know I'm gonna be okay and I know I'm gonna get through it and being okay with not knowing.

Yeah, that's hard. Because when you're growing up, like especially being so young, I believed what everyone told me and I was like, yeah, and these people are right. Yeah. Period. And I'm like, and because they're right and now I believe that then I'm right. Yeah. And being like, ooh, but I don't know, actually. No. No one knows what comes after life. No one can be 100 % certain on that. Right. But I think that's what faith is, is being uncertain and not knowing what is coming next.

and just believing that it's all gonna work out for good. Yeah, That's so good. And it's interesting to me how many people I know that say that they are like but in reality, their faith stands only on what they know for certain.

And there's not actually any real faith in practice. It's like a safe faith and stepping out of that is risky and scary and

but somehow feels more safe. don't even know how to articulate. Yeah, it does feel more safe. Yeah. Because you just feel like You're being held. And you can trust yourself. Yes. Yes. When you trust yourself, ⁓ my gosh. And being like, ooh, there's these two decisions, two big choices I have to make. What am I going to do? Pick one and it's all going to work out. Right.

Like faith is still like a word. Yeah, it's a triggering word. like, ⁓ no, but yeah, just what word would you use instead? I don't know. Like spirituality. Yeah, guess. like that. I was just curious. We're all just you really get to the bottom. We're all just energy.

I don't know, once you get down to the core of what you can be certain and it's like yourself.

Yeah, it's funny to me how many things now like I told you that my podcast that my first podcast that I recorded did not get recorded. ironically, five years ago, I would have said, this is spiritual attack and the enemy is coming after us. And now I can be like, no, this was a user error.

I didn't format the SD card right. You can't, you have nothing to blame. No. Like it used to be like, oh well, the devil is attacking me girl. No. The devil doesn't care about you like that. No. We'll have to come back for a theological deconstruction. love that. Okay. Is there anything else that you want to share before we say goodbye? I won't close this out in prayer.

lol

That's too good.

I think I'm good.

Audi Day (30:18)

Thanks for listening to Anonymous Church. When you're ready, you can share your story at anonymous.church. And if you'd like to connect, check the show notes for our social media links. Your story matters. We'll see you next time.