She Wanted God to Destroy Everyone Who Judged Her. He Had a Different Plan

Welcome to the Midweek Motivation Podcast, where we bring practical help for your faith in life.

Here's today's episode.

Hey guys, welcome to this week's Midweek Motivation.

My name is Jess, and um I've got an amazing friend, Leslie, here.

Um, and um Leslie, uh, I just want to uh give you an opportunity to introduce yourself a little bit, uh, just in sharing uh what I know about you.

You've been coming here for what, like a about a year and a half now.

Okay, I was gonna say a couple years yet.

We started too.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

January uh 2025, I think.

Yeah, was the first time we came here.

So awesome.

Yeah, and you like we've gotten to know each other pretty well, I think.

And um, and it's been such a joy to like get to know you and to sit down and chat with you and and just hear about your story.

And not only that, but see how you just keep taking more and more steps closer and closer to Jesus and keep to getting on mission, which is really fun and exciting.

So um, we had a conversation a couple of days ago where I just reached in, uh reached out to see how things were going and and you said something that really stood out to me.

And it was a praise that um you're just were it seemed like just praising God for being present and um and seeing you.

And you said uh you said something to the effect that um if you focus on the dark, then you're gonna see the the dark, but there is no darkness in light.

So if you turn around and you look at Jesus, you don't see the dark, you only see the light, right?

Right.

Yeah.

Um I was just like super excited.

Um, I was just having some personal quiet time, prayer time.

And um I was I was asking some questions, and uh, I love that God always is faithful to uh answer my questions.

But I I was I was thinking about and then I thought, oh my gosh, you know what?

Like I've been thinking about darkness and light wrong this entire time because I kind of thought they were like um like relatives that don't get along.

Like if so-and-so is gonna be at Christmas dinner, I won't be there because I refuse to be in the same room.

And then I realized that darkness doesn't have a choice.

Darkness has to flee when the light is present.

It is only allowed to exist in the absence of the light.

Yeah.

And so when we feel like we're surrounded by darkness, when I feel like I'm surrounded by darkness, it's because I'm too far away from the light.

My focus is in the wrong direction.

I'm not looking at the light, I'm looking at the darkness.

I'm letting the world's report get to me.

I'm letting, you know, whatever, doctors, bank account, whatever is telling me that this is just all gonna fall apart.

And then my focus is there.

And it just kind of, I kind of got this image of like just being on earth.

You think when night comes, the the light hasn't gone anywhere.

We've just turned away from it.

And that light is still as hot and bright and beautiful as it is all the time.

It's just we're not facing it.

And that's why all we can see is darkness.

And the farther we move away from the light, the more we open up space for the darkness to exist.

So we got to just keep grounded on that word, on that truth, on that light, because you know, when we find ourselves in the darkness, it's not because we're doing anything wrong per se.

We're not like good.

It's not that we're not good enough.

It's not that we're not, you know, doing all the things that God's asking us to do, but we're focusing, we're allowing our focus to be drawn away from the light.

Wow.

So mic drop.

I was uh so excited.

I was like, oh, I gotta tell everybody.

This is amazing.

That's so cool.

Right.

I love it.

Yeah, wow.

There's so much wisdom in that imagery.

So thanks for sharing.

And I don't even think that we got into that much of that deep of the conversation of where that came from.

So thank you.

I'll never like that picture will never leave my head now.

That's cool.

Yeah, cool.

Yeah, it's not gonna leave mine either.

I was just like super excited about it.

I was like telling my friends and my husband, just anybody who would listen.

I was like, yeah, couldn't shut me up.

It was just super cool.

Um because yeah, I get overwhelmed by darkness a lot of times.

And you know, it's uh when we allow ourselves to stay in that darkness, like we just kind of accept it.

Yeah, just think, oh, well, this is what it is, because yeah, that's when we just yeah, yeah.

Well, so you you have like gone through quite a journey with God.

Yeah, yeah.

And so you you talked to me about how you really related to the the Bible story that we were talking about on um on Sunday, which is uh from Genes, Genesis 16.

And that like that feeling of of not being seen or feeling of being abandoned, or uh I don't know, maybe abandonment's not the right word.

What do you think?

Um I think just frustrated, misunderstood, judged.

I don't know what the word would be, but um I was super excited when I heard that we were doing the names of God.

Um, because also in my prayer time, you know, I was using God's names in my prayer.

And I was like, you know what?

I use them and I kind of know what they mean, um, but I don't um know fully what they mean.

So I'm, you know, gonna probably do a Bible study on it.

Um I had already known what El Roy meant.

And so when I found out that that was what Sunday was about, I was even more excited because God has just shown me personally that He's He sees me.

Um and just by all the little things that He does in my life.

And I'm like, wow, God, that was just for me.

That's so cool.

Like there are billions of people in the world, and you did this just for me.

Like it wouldn't work for anybody else but me.

So I know it was just for me, and I know that you see me.

Um, and it just it makes me it makes me feel so good that the creator of the universe thinks about me.

Yeah.

When I need him and he shows up.

And like, I mean, I haven't really had a lot of that in my personal life, like physical family, you know, friends and whatever.

I just like it's been really hard.

Um fact it was funny because like the first time that I felt that God really saw me, um, I was I was in leadership in church.

Um, not here, but anyway, um I didn't know what I was doing, and I kind of got thrown into a leadership position, which was cool.

I liked it, but I didn't understand it.

And I um I ended up kind of doing it because it made me look good.

People think I had got my life all together, that you know, after being judged so long for so long and just kind of just people didn't believe in me that I would was worth anything, could do anything, um, to be doing something for God made me seem like I had it all together.

But things on the inside were just falling all apart.

And and like I got pregnant, and I'm thinking to myself, well, great, all these people are judging me, just wait till they get a hold of this.

They can't wait, they probably just can't wait to say, Oh, yeah, that's her.

She can't, she just can't get it right.

I mean, oh my goodness, like she's such a failure, you know, and and I'm stressing out over this.

And God comes and He's like, You're gonna have a son, you're gonna name him Isaiah.

And I look in the Bible, it's like it says Isaiah is a name that means the Lord is my salvation.

And God's telling me, uh, yeah, you're gonna have a son, you're gonna name him Isaiah.

And every time you call his name, you're gonna remember that I am your salvation.

And it doesn't matter what anybody says or thinks about you, because I am the one that's going to be there for you.

I will never leave you.

I'm the lifter of your head, I am your protector, I'm everything you need me to be.

You don't need to listen to anybody's judgment or what they think of you.

I mean, it's just me and you.

And so yeah, like it's I think it's really cool to have that reminder every single time I call my son, so yeah, you know, God's like, yeah, I'm your salvation.

If anyone's judging you, don't don't look at them, just me.

Yeah.

Wow, that's incredible.

Yeah.

So that was like the first time, and there's been so many times since that he showed me that that he sees me.

And it's not just the big things like that.

It's like even in the little things, like when I get a parking space, like and my hands are full and I'm I'm so busy and I don't have time, and like everybody's going crazy looking for parking, and then all of a sudden, this stall opens up front and center, and nobody's there.

It's just for me.

And I'm like, You're awesome, God.

Thank you for seeing me, and knowing that I needed that.

And it's just the more I go through life and and see all the ways that he shows up for me and that he sees me and that he he knows what I need.

It just makes me feel so good.

And it like I used to want validation, recognition, acknowledgement from just anybody.

But now I get it from him, and I don't, I don't really not that I don't need anybody, of course.

I need my my family and my community, but my heart is full because I have his acknowledgement and and recognition.

So yeah, that's awesome.

So uh I like I can relate to so much of this just from my own personal experiences with God.

Like we've had these conversations before, right?

Where where God has has shown up in so many different ways.

And like uh in the day-to-day, you know, I think it's easy for us to get to a point where where we do get focused on the dark and uh and then he pulls us back, or maybe we're starting to develop strength and in in uh our own personal disciplines and focusing on the right things.

Like what how have you um seen God develop you um when it comes to the day-to-day and how to grow the muscle of focusing on the light instead of the dark?

Um, just by revealing a lot of the stuff that he has to me.

And then I reach out to my community and I ask for prayer.

I'm like, and now I have the awareness and now I need the application.

You can't just be a hero of the word, I gotta be a doer.

Yeah.

Um, and then it was funny because I I we talked and then I asked for prayer on that that I would be able to apply it and almost immediately got put into a situation where I had to.

Um, but it was cool because I was noticing in that situation that I knew what I needed to do, and God's been preparing me, equipping me to do it.

But there was still a part of me that um I kind of wanted to wallow in my anger and my frustration.

I wanted to still kind of just be upset about the situation.

And God's like, um, remember what we talked about earlier?

And I'm like, yes, Lord, but can I stay here just a little bit longer?

He's like, I mean, well, you could.

I absolutely can.

You have that choice, but do you really want to?

Because you keep asking me, you know.

Um, I'm like, the time is now, Lord, we need this.

You know, I need this.

We, you know, you've put all this stuff on my heart.

Let's go get it.

The time is now.

And then he's trying to change me and and break down those walls and and all those things in me and um prepare me for whatever he's calling me to do.

And then I'm like, no, I don't want to do it right now.

He's like, it didn't, weren't you the one that said the time is now?

Like, I thought we were on the same piece.

Or I'll, I'll, yeah, I I got you.

I hear you.

Yes.

You see me, I hear you.

That's so funny.

It makes me think of a conversation like it, like in a little bit of a heart, lighthearted way, I guess.

A conversation that I have with God last year, uh, I just started this whole journey of like gardening and and planting stuff.

And and when I was planting my garden last year, I was praying for a big harvest.

And then towards the end of the year, I ended up like I ended up with tomatoes coming out of my ears.

And I was like, I cannot keep up with this Lord.

I'm like, it's enough.

Stop, right?

And isn't it funny how sometimes we end up um like instinctively resisting or getting upset about the things that we actually prayed for and and God's like, wait a minute.

Yeah, that's another thing that he's taught me in um, you know, in him seeing me and responding to the need.

Um there I've I've realized that there's so many times when he is responding to my need because he sees me, because he hears me, but because it doesn't look like what I think it should look like, yeah, I completely walk right past it or just don't even pick it up.

He's like, the table is full, pick whatever you want.

And I'm all like, oh, I'm in the cupboards looking for something.

And he's like, uh, turn around right there, it's full of blessings, everything you want, everything you need, add stuff that you couldn't even think of.

It's all at that table, and you're over there, you know, what are you looking for?

It's right here.

So um, yeah, that was that was kind of a huge revelation for me too, because I was watching a TV show and um like my like I said before, my my personal life, my family life is a little broken.

Um, and I was watching the show where the two main characters, they were family, and the one was talking to the other about, you know, oh, I love you, I appreciate you, and this and that.

And I was like, man, I wish I could, I wish I had that.

I would love for my family to love me, appreciate me.

And um, God's like, well, you too have it.

You just aren't receiving it.

And I was like, and you know, he was referring to my community, my my church family and community.

And there are so many people here that do love me, appreciate me, support me, believe in me, everything that I'm looking for.

But it's not what I thought it was gonna be.

Like, I wanted it here, Lord, like in my family.

And he's like, but you have a family and so much more.

I mean, there are, I don't know how many people come here, like 1800 people.

And there's so much love to be had.

And because it doesn't, it didn't look like what I thought it should be.

I was missing out on it for a while.

Not anymore.

I'm grabbing like both hands, I'm loading up my plate, just jumping in everywhere I can because yeah, it's so amazing.

Um awesome, awesome.

How do you like if if someone is watching and they can relate to this conversation or someone's listening to us and they can relate to this conversation, how would you encourage them to be like, this is how you see, um, like how like how you can identify or see that God sees you?

And uh, and this is what you do next to try and really connect with that.

Oh.

Because I don't think that everybody, like, how do you realize that you're in the cupboards when the blessings are on the table?

Honestly, you just like there needs to be uh, I think from my my own personal experience, like you need to have like a relationship with God.

Like, don't let church be um like an equation or like uh like religion.

There's a difference to me.

There's a difference between religion and relationship with God.

Like don't just show up on Sunday and just think that you're good.

You checked it off the box, we're good now, God, right?

No, it's like needs to be a relationship, friendship.

And and oh my gosh, you know what?

Now I should say that.

So excited about the names of God.

I was thinking about this too.

Um, so Elroy's my favorite, right?

The God who sees me.

Um, but the more you pray, the more you get into your word.

Excuse me.

I was thinking it was such a great setup because, like, when Caleb was preaching, he talked about reading your Bible.

Because that's important too.

You need to get into that word.

And for the longest time, I hated reading the Bible.

I was like, I don't understand this, begat him, begat that.

I just, it's too much for me.

My brain is like, and I don't understand, I'm not.

Um, but something he said, he said, what if my wife had written me a letter and um and I just skimmed through it and I didn't get all of the love and the intent, um, the intentional love that was put into that note for me.

And then I thought, wow, this is just such a great setup for for this series with the names of God, because the way you can recognize that is pray or read your word.

And the way that you can read your word in an understandable way is think of it as a love letter from whomever you need God to be right now, whether he's Jehovah Jirah, Jehovah Rapha, your provider, you know, Abba, the father to the fatherless, the husband to the husbandless, the lifter of your head, who do you need God to be?

Get in that word, find it, hold on to it, get every intent, like every intent of love behind that love letter that he left for you.

And memorize it and hold on to it.

And when the enemy comes and gets in your face and he tries to tell you something, you open up that Bible and you stick it back in his face and Abba said whatever it is.

He's my provider, he's my healer.

I don't care what the doctor said, I don't care that my bank account is empty right now, because he said that he's gonna provide all of my needs.

And I don't need to worry about what I'm gonna eat, what I'm gonna wear, what I where I'm gonna live, because he's got all of that covered.

And so, like, just dig into like the series of like knowing who God is, because he is everything you need to be in every day.

And if you need him to be your healer today, and your redeemer tomorrow, or even tonight, by the end of the day, you need him to be your redeemer.

He is all of that and more, and he will never fail, never so each girl.

That's amazing, very cool.

He is amazing, yeah.

Overwhelming, like I am so overwhelmed by how much he loves me with all the people out there, how much he loves me and how much he pours in.

But it's what you make of it, you know, when I'm stubborn, when I want and when I want to be angry and I want to be bitter, I can't I'm I'm just creating room for the darkness to exist.

Yeah.

But when I open my heart, he is so quick to come in and take all of that away.

Like he taught me how to let go of that anger and that bitterness because like I I related to Hegar because like she was in a position where she felt like she didn't ask for that.

Yeah, someone else determined what her life was gonna look like, what what she was gonna do.

They said, This is what you're gonna do.

And she didn't want to, and yeah, she had an attitude.

So I relate to that because people have told me that they have tried to dictate my life and tell me what I'm gonna do and how I'm gonna act and who I'm gonna be.

And um and I had an attitude and I ran away.

And God found me and He brought me back and um and He blessed me.

And um it's just oh my gosh, it's just so overwhelming how much He will step in and take like I I was angry, I was so angry at these people, and I wanted I wanted God to just destroy them all.

I was like, I'm so done, Lord, they are terrible, terrible people, just zap them all.

Like and I I was so angry and and so bitter and frustrated that I I I wasn't listening to him.

And when he brought me back and he opened doors for me um and gave me a safe space to just be.

I love that he sees me, he sees he sees the anger and he sees the bitterness and he sees the stubbornness, and he just is like, but if you trust me, and I'm like I'm holding on to all this ugliness, and he's like, Okay, just one thank you and give me the anger, and then I'm like, okay, okay, and then he puts a piece in that place, and he's like, give me the bitterness and give joy and just all the other things that I'm hanging on to, like he takes it, he takes it from me and he replaces it with restoration or healing or whatever I need.

And so it's easier to trust, it's easier to like when I see people, like my answer to everything used to be violence, and I had to punch everybody in the face.

Um, but now God's God's kind of changing that and it's still a work in progress.

I'm not perfect.

I will still there are still some people that I would like to punch in the face, right?

But um, but a lot of times God's like he lets me see them, like how he sees me, and he's like, they just need to be loved.

I want to learn, I want to love them.

Yeah.

He's like, but but remember how how good it felt, how much you needed that and what it felt like when you finally felt seen, when you finally felt loved and accepted and supported and believed in.

They need that.

Someone needs you could do that.

I'm like, okay, Lord, I can do that.

And I watch you do it, you do it really well.

Very cool.

Awesome.

Well, I um I don't even know where to go from from there.

I like thank you so much for being willing to share your story.

Yeah, if you're going to encourage somebody to take one next step, what might it be?

Um just I mean, I feel like we kind of know that God is um tugging on our heart for something or another.

But life has kind of stopped us.

And maybe, maybe people have convinced us that we cannot.

But just remember that our God is a God of impossible.

And if you can feel him tugging on your heart, it's because he's already prepared way.

So just don't be afraid, just take that step, whatever it, whatever step he's calling you to make, whether it's giving your life to him, whether it's getting into mission, wherever you need to climb that mountain, just do it.

Don't be afraid because he's already made the way.

He's already made the per every provision that and don't like I know when some people who are afraid of heights, they're like they walk on a tightrope, they're like, don't look down.

Don't look down, don't look away, don't turn away from the light.

Just get in there.

And I promise you, when you do, it'll be so worth it.

Like God, He's just waiting to show us how much He loves us.

He's just wanting to show how, and like you don't need to be strong.

He is made strong in our weakness.

So come as weak as you are, and the more weak you are, the more power he's gonna show through you.

And this is not me.

I'm like this broken, crusty little.

But it's him working in me and through me that you know, it's his light shining through that um that everybody gets to see, but I get to like actually be it.

Like that's so awesome.

I don't know, I don't know how to explain that, but that would be my encouragement is don't be afraid when God's tugging on your heart because he's got something big for you.

And if you can get past that fear, what um what he's got in store for you is bigger than any fear or anxiety that you might be having.

That's awesome.

Very cool.

Well, thanks for thanks for joining.

Thanks for everything that you do here at Westside because you kill it.

You're like an amazing leader and you're having huge impact all over the place.

So I really appreciate I I have to say to that, Westside is a place that um the opportunities are there.

It's not, I like to joke around and say that I'm God's favorite.

But I've told my husband and just a lot of people if you're not having the experience that you feel like you need to have with God and you attend Westside, um, it's because you're not looking.

You're there are so many people who are here to connect you to whatever resource you need to find that relationship and grow.

And I mean, I am absolutely like living proof of that.

Like I came here so broken, so angry, and you know, there just kept being opportunities and encouragement.

Well, hey, did you see this?

Join a growth group, start a growth group, um, you know, uh serve on the Bible table, like anything.

There's so many things that we can do here.

So um I'm blessed to have a place to worship, serve God and my community.

Um, so that's why I do what I do.

It's not because I'm so cool, it's because this is cool.

Just jump in, guys, grab onto it, like all in, go for it.

It's awesome.

It is awesome.

Cool.

All right.

Well, it's a blessing to serve with you.

Thanks.

All right, guys.

Thanks for joining us on this week's Midweek Motivation, and we'll see you next week.

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