Blessed Are Those Who Have Boundaries | (2 Samuel 3)

You're listening to the Bridgetown Church Podcast with

Pastor Casey Kendall where our vision is Jesus, our mission is

people, and our cause is love. Thanks for tuning in.

Let's dive in. Second Samuel chapter 3.

2 Samuel 3 · chapter mention

The title of this morning's message is blessed are those who

have boundaries. Blessed are those who have

boundaries. I just want to say that again,

it's not. That's not a beatitude that

Jesus said, but blessed are those who have boundaries.

I was on a flight with my wife and my 2 girls to Tennessee and

ran into a guy who who altered the course of my family through

his writing. His name's Doctor Henry Cloud,

and he wrote a book called Boundaries.

And I lifted my head up from my seat in and I said, Doctor Henry

Cloud. He said, yes, Sir.

I said, I just, I can't believe you're on my plane that he said,

this isn't your plane. This is like all of our plane,

you know, and he I just went on to tell him how much he impacted

our life in in his writings and his counsel and is yes to the

Lord and then my wife's like who is that as all that's Doctor

Henry Cloud. She said no way.

She stepped over my 2 girls. She went to the back of the

plane. She waited for him to get out of

the bathroom, and she began to tell him, I'm Pastor Casey's

wife and I know my husband just spoke with you.

And he laid his hand over my wife at the back of the plane on

our way to Nashville. And he begins to pray over my

wife. And she begins to weep and sob.

And she's coming back to her seat.

And I'm like, what in the world? Like, why are you crying?

She's all meeting Doctor Henry Cloud is like you meeting

Russell Wilson from the football.

I said rally. She said, yes, he made such an

impact in my life. So Doctor Henry Cloud goes back

to his seat and then he comes back with his napkin, hands it

to me and he says, Casey, I want you to have every teaching

platform that I have ever done that normally cost each month

for someone to have. And I, I want to talk to you

guys today about the impact of boundaries from the life of

David in Second Samuel chapter 3.

2 Samuel 3 · chapter mention

And I believe, like my family, that it can have a lasting

impact forever on your family. If you want a book, come up to

me. I'll buy you the book.

All right, that honest, if you want the book, I'll buy you the

book and you can you just have to commit to reading it.

All right, all right, let's let's jump in Second Samuel

2 Samuel 3 · chapter mention

chapter 3 and verse 11, and then we're going to go through most

of the chapter together. Second Samuel chapter 3, verse

2 Samuel 3:11

11. And the Bible says a Shiba chef,

excuse me, said to Abner, that's a hard name to pronounce.

I shouldn't have started with that right off the bat.

I should have gotten a little bit warmed up with words like

Nabal and Absalom and Gesher, but not a Shiba chef.

But this is what a Shibu chef says to Abner, the general of

Saul's army, and he could not answer Abner another word

because he feared him. This morning I want to as I

write on every notepad that I ever get to preach off of, I I

write this sentence at the top of the notepad.

Preach is never sure to preach again.

As a dying man to dying men and women.

The Lord woke me up this morning at 2:30 in the morning to pray,

to seek his face, to ask God to move on behalf of this.

I believe this message because I believe it could be healing.

Instrumental and pivotal in your life.

So if you just look at your neighbor and say neighbor, my

neighbor breaking up is hard to do.

Yeah, yeah, just say that to your neighbor breaking up is

hard to do. I am a firm believer this

morning that the majority of ministry happens at the door of

the church, not on the stage at the church.

And normally on Sunday after I'm done preaching, the first thing

that I want to do as a pastor is put in my resignation letter

every Sunday. No lie, I want to quit.

I rehearse in my mind what I shouldn't have said, and I add

into my mind what I should have said.

There are countless times I'm behind this curtain crying out

to the Lord that he would use something that I said in my

sermon because I feel so horrible about it.

They call it for pastors Blue Monday.

Alistair Begg, a Scottish preacher, says after you're done

preaching, you feel like the weed coming out of the crack of

the cement. But I didn't get there last week

because Miss Amber Adams didn't allow me to.

I was at the door of the church, and before I could even rehearse

my sermon to myself, she asked me this question.

She said, Casey, she said you need to preach a message

answering this question. What do you do when you have

fought fair and you have set healthy boundaries?

Once again from last week's message, if he didn't get to

hear it, go on the podcast and check it out to get context of

this sermon. She asked this question What?

Do you do? When you have fought fair and

you've set healthy boundaries, here's my answer.

Breaking up is hard to do. I want to say that again.

Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking up with people is hard

to do. Breaking up with control is hard

to do. Breaking up from rescuing people

over and over again is hard to do.

Breaking up from carrying other people's moods is hard to do.

Breaking up with the responsibility that is not yours

is hard to do. Breaking up eventually in our

lives. If you're unwilling to break up

with the bad toxic habits in your life and the sins that you

keep committing relationally towards other people breaking

up, not breaking up leads to you breaking up eventually, and that

means that you become shattered on the inside of your soul.

Now understand I want you to get this, that relational strain is

inevitable, but how we handle relational strain is optional.

Someone once said these words that rules without relationship

lead to rebellion, but relationship without the right

rules leads to resentment. And I believe sometimes in our

lives that this is going to be vital for our victory.

Because how you connect with people can either help you or it

can hurt you. How you choose to connect

relationally with your husband or your wife, your boyfriend or

your girlfriend or your coworkers or your boss or your

friends or your enemies can either limit you or it can

launch you. How we connect with people could

either push you in the right direction or it can prohibit you

in your life. Do you see, if we're going to

break up with these bad habits in our lives, we're going to

have to be willing to lay down some new lines and be reigned by

some new rules to build a blessed life with boundaries.

Now, boundaries, if you take note, is not so I could keep

people out. It's to allow the safe people

in. And it's really about my own

heart and my own life. Howard, excuse me, Doctor Henry

Cloud says this. He says when we begin to set

boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens.

They hurt. They may feel a hole where you

used to plug up, their aloneness, their

disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility.

Whatever it is, they will feel a loss when you set a boundary.

If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch.

But when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember

that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful

for them. If you have been enabling them

to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward

responsibility. And I want to encourage you with

that because that's exactly what happened in my marriage.

My wife put up a healthy boundary, and we are living

proof that God can work in the midst of everything that might

seem broken, and restore it and redeem it and strengthen it and

bring it to a place that it can. Thrive.

Can I give you the 10 rules of his book just as a precursor to

you reading it? Because all of you are going to

come up to me after the sermon and ask for that book.

I want you to write these down in your relationships.

There needs to be a boundary, a new rule, a rule.

Of sowing and reaping. A new rule of sowing and reaping

that means this. Do your actions have

consequences that means this, or do you let people get away with

it? There is a new rule in our

relationships of sowing and reaping.

Here's the second rule if you take note.

If you need me to slow down, just say please slow down.

Number one, there is the rule of sowing and reaping.

Do your actions have consequences?

Or in your relationships, do you just let the person's actions

keep on going #2? I'm purposefully trying to slow

myself down. I'm like chomping at the bit

here. There is the rule of

responsibility. There's the rule of

responsibility. Once again, there's the rule of

responsibility. Here it is.

We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.

Here's the rule. I refuse to rescue your immature

behavior. The rule of responsibility.

We are responsible to each other, but not for each other.

Here is the rule. The rule is this, that I refuse

to rescue your immature behavior, just that alone.

I'm done preaching. Let's come forward and accept

Christ and just pray for each other.

Listen to rule #3 this is going to be very important.

The rule of power, the rule of power in your relationships.

Once again, the rule of power. The rule of power is this.

If you're taking note, we can't change or fix anyone.

We can only seek God to change ourselves.

That's the rule of power. Here is number 4, the rule of

respect. If you're taking notes, if you

miss all of these, come up to me after the sermon and I will buy

you the book. The rule of respect #4 is we

will respect other people's boundaries and there no that was

a hard one for me. The rule of respect is we will

respect other people's boundaries and there no you

ready for #5 Remember, we have the rule of sowing and reaping.

We have the rule of responsibility, we have the rule

of power, and we have the rule of respect #5.

What I want you guys to live by is we have the rule of

motivation in our lives. This one's important.

You must be free to say no before you can say yes.

We have the rule of motivation. That is, you must be free to say

no before you can say yes. If you could write this rule

down, rule of #6 evaluation. Amen.

Nolan number six. The rule of evaluation is this.

Does my boundary lead to healthy growth in a person's life?

That's the rule of evaluation. I'm going to evaluate my goals

according to scripture. And will this boundary lead to

healthy growth in the person's life #7 because I'm, I'm going

to go too long if I go this slow #7 is the rule of proactivity

That is this Take action to solve your problems according to

biblical values. Take action to solve your

problems on our biblical values. If you take note, write this

down. This is the rule of envy in your

relationships. The rule of envy is this.

We will never get what we want by focusing on what other people

have. We will never get what we want

if we're focusing on what other people have.

So if we have the rule of envy, it leads me to the rule of

activity, which is number 9. The rule of activity is this.

We take initiative to solve our problems rather than just being

passive about it. We're going to take issue with

our own problems rather than being passive and wait and wait

and wait and excuse and excuse and excuse our problems away.

And the last rule in our relationships that we want to

live by is the rule of exposure. The rule of exposure is clearly

communicate your boundaries to the person that you are in

relationship with. Now notice what's happening in

our story, because I think sometimes we get to the fruit of

the matter, but we don't really take out the root of the

problem. And why I say that is this.

I once in my life had to carry what we called back in the 90s,

a beeper in a beeper. What that was was this little

box that you'd put on your belt and it looked really cool, like

you were really important. And people, if they wanted to

get a hold of you because they couldn't get a hold of you on

your landline, your phone was actually connected to your

kitchen wall. If you remember that, just say

Amen. They would reach out to your

pager. I am terrified of birds.

I had a horrible experience with birds at SeaWorld.

I had a Flock of Seagulls and felt like they were attacking

me. They weren't really, but it felt

like Alfred Hitchcock, the Birds movie.

And so I've been terrified from birds since this day as an

adult. And all of a sudden, behind our

blinds at our house where we were living, all of a.

Sudden it was like fluttering and it was moving all of our

blinds at our screen door. And I told my wife, I said, you

got to go in our room. There's a bird in our room.

There's a bird in there, and I need you to go in there and get

that bird out of the room. Right?

What a great husband, right? Afraid of a bird.

She's like, who did I marry? Well, it turns out it wasn't a

bird. It was my pager and someone was

trying to get a hold of me and it was just vibrating behind the

shutters. And I think we do that a lot in

our relationships. We identify it as something

that's really not the issue of what we are really battling.

You're not just angry. What we really need to get at is

your hurt. And because of your hurt, now

you're taking it out on everybody else around you.

Because you're a perfectionist, your expectation is way up here

on what your house should actually look like.

And this happens a lot with us as working dads is we think that

as we're away from the the house that all our wife is doing is

cleaning every baseboard in the house, but we don't realize that

she's changed 50 diapers within 6 minutes.

But the house we walk into is like stepping on Legos and it's

dirty. The real issue isn't that you're

a perfectionist. The real issue is you just want

control. You see, that's oftentimes what

happens. And so we need to flip the

script of everything that's going on around us.

I was dealing with a young man this week who was telling me he

was lonely, but the fruit of what he was facing was

loneliness, but the root of what he was facing was condemnation.

And I think we need to get to the heart of the matter.

And the only way that we get to the heart of the matter is like

David in this area of our lives. To understand that we got to go

back to the root of what's really happening.

Now we remember the story that Saul has died.

David now takes over the city of Judah.

While he's taking over the city of Judah, Abner puts a Shiba

chef in line to be Saul's king. A Shiba chef reigns over the 11

tribes. David only reigns over one

tribe. And this is where we begin our

story. And I want you to see what's

happening is that the Lord is separating the House of Saul

from the House of David. Check this out.

The Bible says in verse one now there was a long war between the

House of Saul and the House of David, but David grew stronger

and stronger and the House of Saul grew weaker and weaker.

Listen to what's happening that there is a long war.

I don't know if you've ever been in a long war with your husband

or your wife. It's getting really quiet in

here. I don't know if you've been in a

long war with the boyfriend or girlfriend.

I don't know if you've been in a long war as a single with your

friends. Have you ever been in a long war

at your place of employment? You ever been in a long war with

an uncle? With a grandparent?

You ever been in a long war, parents with your children?

Oh, that was a good spot for an Amen.

Parents, you are carrying a lot of tension right now.

You ever been in a long war? David's in a long war between

him and his house and Saul and their house.

Now check out if you would. The word long there means to be

drawn out. It means to stretch beyond what

is expected. And the word long is a

theological signal that God is working through a prolonged

process. Now check this out.

The Bible says that this prolonged process, there was a

war. The word war there means, if

you're taking note, the word war there means to battle or to

fight. Now you're in this long drawn

out process of this fight between, notice this, the House

of Saul and the House of David. Now notice what happens, God is

breaking up the House of David from the House of Saul.

And the Bible says that the House of David grew stronger and

stronger while Saul's house grew weaker and weaker.

The term stronger and stronger there literally means to fasten.

It means to force or means to fortify.

The word stronger there means to bind on or gird on.

Now notice what happens to the House of Saul.

The word weaker means to be low. It means to be poor or it means

to be thin. Look at what God is doing.

He's separating two groups of people through conflict.

Once again, God is separating 2 groups of people through

conflict now. Now, if you take note, you can

connect yourself to relationships that will

ultimately hinder what God wants in your life.

One author put it this way, one of the things that keep people

from their God-given directives and destinations is an

inappropriate relationship that has LED you to ungodly places.

Now notice this if you would. Saul was and had some chapters

in David's story, but Saul was not the whole story of David's

life. There are people I need to be

careful with this because some of you are take this like, well,

yeah, I could just leave my marriage now.

I could just walk out of my place of responsibility at my

employment now because I have boundaries.

I'm not saying that. But there are relationships that

you outgrow. There are relationships that you

have to disconnect yourselves from simply because God has

called them to be a chapter in your story, but not the whole

story of your life. I want you to answer these

questions because this is so important that as we look at

this that we answer these two questions.

Where is God leading you and who is going with you?

Often times I can get to know you by what you say, but I get

to know you a lot better by who you hang out with.

And Lottie Dotty and everybody can't come with you.

They, they, they can't. You will in relationships come

to a spot. Well, let's just put it this

way. Your association leads to

assimilation. You didn't get that.

It's like that one woman used to sing.

If you lay down with dogs, don't be shocked when you wake up with

fleas. Who you connect yourself with

can determine how and where you go in.

Life. David's path to the throne could

not come by him holding on to Saul.

And some of you, you need to let go of your Saul.

Some of you, you have to let go of the saw that you are holding

on to the people that you think that you need.

You need to be letting go of them.

But a lot of. Times we're unwilling to let go

of people because we are unwilling to be alone.

And we think that Saul brought companionship to David, but he

didn't bring partnership with David.

And because we don't like to be alone, we keep bad people

around. And because of that, what

oftentimes happens in our lives is we're unwilling to let go of

people and break up with the House of Saul because we're

clenching so tightly to what we think it should look like, when

in reality, we're not living in the light of what God has

already given. So what does David do?

This is what David does two things and I don't encourage

this. David because of this the the

House of Saul has fallen apart. His house is growing stronger.

He goes and makes babies and makes covenants.

David makes babies and he makes covenants.

When you read verse 2 all the way down through verse 6, I

don't want you to think that God is pro polygamy.

This is a sign I believe of what David was doing wrong and the

reason why is you could look at each one of these sons that he

gives birth, that the wife gives birth to and you will see that

these sons caused so much trouble.

If you wanted to see how God wanted his kings to live, read

Deuteronomy 17 verse 17. He commanded the kings not to

Deuteronomy 17:17

multiply with their wives. But these men, these sons

brought so much trouble. Listen to what they brought.

They brought rape, they brought murder, they brought rebellion,

and they brought greed. So notice the Bible says in

verse 2 that sons were born to David in Hebron.

His first born was Amnon by a Hionoem, the Jezreelite.

The second was Kalia by Abigail, the widow of Nabal and the

Carmelite. The third was.

Absalom, you remember him, the son of Maka, the daughter of

Talmay, king of Gesher. The 4th was Adonijah, the son of

Haggath, the fifth was Shephatiah, the son of Abbatal,

and the 6th was Etherium by David's wife Egla.

These were born to David in Hebron.

So even in the midst of this, David is choosing to notice

this. He's choosing to go against what

God said in his. Word.

And simply live for what he wanted.

Now, this is vital in boundaries because I want you to write this

down. Just because there's a fight

doesn't mean you have the liberty not to do what is right.

Did you catch that? Just because there's a fight,

this does not give you the liberty not to do what is right.

And I believe the breakup is at the place where it brings out

many times the worst in us, but the best in God and what God

does through a breakup in my life of a bad habit.

Or a bad. Relationship is he reveals his

character to me. But this is where I get it

wrong. I live by what he says, I don't

live by what he says. I live by what my flesh wants to

do in that moment. And this is what I want you to

remember. When you have fought fair, you

lay down healthy boundaries, and this is what I want you to do.

I want you to take the High Road.

I want you to take the High Road.

David's off making babies. And the Bible says this.

Now in verse 6, there was while there was war between the House

of Saul and the House of David that Abner was strengthening his

hold on the House of Saul. And Saul had a concubine whose

name was Rizpah, the daughter of Ahaya.

So as Shabbashaf said to Abner, why have you gone into my

father's concubine? He makes false accusations, they

say, against Abner. Then Abner became very angry at

the words of the Shibashat and said, Am IA dog's head that

belongs to Judah. Today I show loyalty to the

House of Saul, your father, to his brothers, and to his

friends, and have not delivered you into the hand of David.

And you charged me today with a fault concerning this woman.

May God do so to Abner and more also if I do not do for David,

as the Lord has sworn to him. Now transfer the Kingdom from

the House of Saul, and set up the throne of David over Israel,

over Judah, from Dan to Beersheba.

And notice this, a shiba sheth. He could not answer Abner

another word, because he feared him.

You ever been there, husband? Do you ever fear your wife?

And you didn't say anything. Don't say Amen to that, wise.

Have you ever feared your husband and you didn't voice

your opinion in the matter because you actually felt like

you were walking on egg shells all around him all the time?

Have you ever found yourself in this place like a shibashet,

afraid of someone else? The Bible says that a fear of

man brings a snare to the life around us.

So God is working behind the scenes and Abner in a shibashet

now they don't have Instagram, they don't have TikTok, they

don't have a Snapchat. At this time, David has no idea

of what's happening in the House of Saul, but God is at work

separating Abner from a Shibashath, even though David

doesn't see it. And notice what happens.

Verse 12. Then Abner sent messengers on

his behalf to David saying, Who is the land?

Who is whose is the land, saying also make your covenant with me,

and indeed my hand shall be with you to bring all Israel to you.

And so David said, good, I'll make a covenant with you.

That's interesting. Abner is the general to Saul's

army. For years it was Abner who led

the hunt with Saul to kill David.

He hated David so much. So when Saul was dead, Abner did

not go to David and say, we know what God has said.

You need to be the king of all this place.

He put a Shiba chef in there because Abner wanted a

relationship that he could control.

But David, the Bible says, was sending grace and kindness to

the people of Jabesh Ghalid. And in this moment, the Bible

says, notice this verse 13. David said, good, I will kill

you. Good.

I'm angry with you. David said good, I can't stand

you anymore. Good, I'm out of here.

Is that what the Bible says? The Bible.

Says that David made a covenant with him.

Again, not just in this verse but but but notice this in this

verse he then the Bible says going on that David said to

Abner again that he would make another covenant with him.

What is a covenant when you are weary in the fight and you want

to do some unholy things and responded in an unholy way to a

person. What does David do that I want

to challenge you to do? Take the High Road.

I want you to be the peacemaker. Now, understand, peacemaking

does not mean that you're silent about things.

Peacemaking doesn't mean that you're a doormat about things.

Peacemaking means that you are the person who is willing to

prioritize peace with God and peace with other people.

When David could have gotten revenge, David seeks peace.

David seeks out the High Road that is ahead of him and I

believe often times what happens.

Is just like what happened in Greece with the Romans and

Heraclea. I don't know if I'm pronouncing

that right. Evangelia, Steve, Dora, please

forgive me if I pronounce that wrong.

Thank you, Dora, I love you too. To 80 BC.

Notice this. This king achieved great

victory, but he experienced great victory at great defeat.

His army's casualties were so excessive that it undermined the

value of his conquest. And I think so many times in

relationship we seek to win the argument, but we lose the

people. Can I say that again, in

relationship, we don't take the High Road and we seek to

prioritize winning the argument. That's why I tell my my one, one

of my boys. Why do you always have to have

the last word? Because dad, I'm right.

And that's the problem. Many times we believe we're

right, but we don't act right to the person that we're

addressing. And so because of that, we don't

take the High Road in conflict. What what does this mean for us

in making a covenant with somebody else?

Listen, if we've expressed biblical truth without biblical

love, we've missed the mark in your boundary.

If you have expressed biblical truth without biblical love,

you've missed the mark because biblical truth with biblical

love leads to biblical holiness. Can you get that on the podcast

later? Taking the High Road in conflict

means this. If you could just write this

down, you ready? Taking the High Road in conflict

means this. There's no gossiping or

backbiting about that person. There's no gossiping or

backbiting about that person. There's no unforgiveness.

There's no unwillingness to ask for forgiveness anymore.

Taking the High Road means that you're not going to be passive

aggressive anymore. We'll get into that in just a

minute. You're not going to be hot

tempered. Being a person who takes the

High Road means that you're not going to walk around with a

victim mentality. You're not going to walk around

like I'm always the victim of this.

No, you're actually just reaping consequences to this.

That's another sermon for another time.

We're we're not going to be the people that are seeking to be

right without being loving. And taking the High Road does

not mean that you have to stay on the same Rd. with the person.

So taking the High Road with Abner as he's pursuing after

David, look at what David does. He simply makes the greatest

covenant with the person who's caused the greatest crisis in

his life. He makes a treaty with the one

who's made so much trouble. And this goes against everything

that I want to do. I want to live by the Scripture

that says I will do unto others as they've done unto me.

I want to live by the the the mentality of fight fire with

fire. I want to live with this place

in mind that I am going to notice this, not be at peace

with Abner. Now, being at peace with Abner

did not mean that David had to live with Abner.

Even though it's over, I don't have to hold it over their head.

So how do I do this? This is how David does it.

This is how Joab does it in relationship.

If you'd write this down, not only are you going to take the

High Road, you're going to be willing to have hard

conversations with people. You're going to be willing to

have hard conversations with people.

No, no notice. If you would, David says to

Abner, I'll make a covenant with you in verse 13, but bring back

my wife Michael. So David sent messengers to

Shibashet, Saul's son, saying, give me my wife Michael, whom I

betrothed myself for 100 foreskins of the Philistines and

the Shibashet sent and took her from her husband, from Paul.

TL that's horrible, right? The son of Laash.

Then her husband went along with her to Bah her room weeping

behind her. So Abner said to him, go return

and he returned. You thought the Bible was like

no drama. You're like, I just want to go

back to how it was in the New Testament.

I want to go back to how it was in the Old Testament.

I want to I want to go back to this spot.

This is like a soap opera. This is like watching this movie

that you're just sitting at the edge of your seat going.

This is so emotional. Now Abner had communicated to

the elders of Israel, saying in time past you were seeking for

David to be king over you. Now then do it.

For the Lord has spoken of David saying, By the hand of my

servant David, I will save my people Israel from the hand of

the Philistines in the hand of all their enemies.

So not only does Abner go and RIP Michael out of our Mackel,

out of the house, the hands of her now husband, but now he

plots against the Shibashet to get the whole Kingdom to come

over to David's side. That is drama.

And you thought your house was bad.

And Abner also spoke in the hearing of Benjamin.

Then Abner also went to speak in the hearing of David and Hebron.

And all that seemed good to Israel.

And the whole House of Benjamin. So Abner and 20 men with him

came to David at Hebron. And David made a feast for Abner

and the men who were with him. Then Abner said to David, I will

arise and go and gather Israel to my Lord the king, that they

may make a covenant with you, and that you may reign over all

that your heart does desires. So David sent Abner away and he

went in peace. Now check this out.

At that moment David's general came Joab.

Now you remember Joab, right? Joab was the general of David's

army whose brother was killed by Abner.

So David Joab shows up and the Bible says.

After he had came from the raid, he brought much spoil with him.

But Abner was not with David in Hebron, for he had sent him away

and he'd gone in peace. But Joab wasn't at peace.

And all the troops that were with him and come, they had told

Joab, saying, Listen, Abner, the son of Ner, came to the king.

You got to read it like that, with like an evil voice, and he

sent him away and he had gone in peace.

Can you believe that? Then Joab came to the king and

said, listen to this. Joab came to the king.

Joab went to the same king that could have had his head, and he

asked them this question. What have you done?

You don't talk to the king like that.

You don't have those types of conversations with the king.

The king says it, you do it. You don't question the king.

But notice this hard conversation with Joab.

I'm not saying that Joab's motives were right.

He was had a heart of revenge and an attitude of hatred

towards Abner. But noticed he has this hard

conversation. This is what he says.

Look, Abner came to you. Why is it that you send him away

and he's already gone? Surely you realize that Abner,

the son of nerd, came to deceive you.

To know you're going out and you're coming in and to know all

that you are doing. And when Joab had gone from

David's presence, he sent messengers after Abner, who

brought him back from the well of Syrah.

But David did not know it. No notice.

Abner has a conversation with David.

Joab has a conversation with David and this.

Is a hard conversation. I think if there's one thing

that I've often tried to avoid in my life, it's hard

conversations. I used to think that peacemaking

was making sure that every single one of you were happy all

the time. I used to think that peacemaking

was as I really never brought up issues.

So I I kept those issues down in my heart and then I got spiteful

and then I got resentful. I used to think that peacemaking

was is you didn't really rock the boat.

That's peace faking. That's not peacemaking.

Peacemaking has hard conversations and maybe you're

like this. Listen, Chris is upset that his

wife constantly comes home late after work but he says nothing.

Why? He thinks he's being like Christ

by not saying anything but he does give her the cold shoulder

every day. Pam disagrees with her Co

workers at lunch when they slander her boss but she's

afraid to speak up. She says I don't want to rock

the boat by speaking up and disagreeing.

Bob was deeply offended by someone's remarks that Pete

made, but he said nothing to Pete about the remarks.

Bob has carried A grudge for months now.

He badmouths Pete behind his back but has said nothing to

Pete about it. Sharon thinks that her boyfriend

is irresponsible, but she feels so bad for him because he's had

such a hard life and he's faced so much pain that she thinks,

how can I add to that? So she backs down from telling

him the truth about the way his behavior is slowly killing their

relationship. What's the common denominator

here? You have four people claiming to

be doing what they're doing in the name of peace.

They're claiming to be peacemakers.

And this is what they say. We won't bring this up because

we don't want to rock the boat. The truth is, the author writes,

these aren't peacemakers. They're wimps.

To hold a boundary is to hold it with consistency and to have

hard conversations. So what does that look like for

us? Can you just write this down?

This is going to be important for your relationships as it's

been very important in mine, and that is this.

Avoidance does not mean deliverance.

Avoidance does not mean deliverance.

Can you just write that down? I'm going way too long, sorry,

worship team. Avoidance does not mean

deliverance. Can you write this down?

Also, that bad news does not get better with time.

The bad news that you might have does not get better with time.

And I want you to remember this, you can't take authority over

what you won't name. You have to name it.

You have to go to the person and say your anger is killing me.

The hurt that you're harboring with inside of your heart is now

coming out in sinful ways on how you've reached into our

relationship. And it stops today.

I will no longer put up with this today.

And now what you have to do is when someone says, well, trust

me, I'm getting better. You can trust what people do,

but you can't always trust what people say.

Now, when the what the person says matches what the person

does, I still put the weight back on what the person does.

So I want you to remember that you're going to have hard

conversations with people that are around you.

And the last thing I want to encourage you to do is take

responsibility. This is a big one.

If you want to ruin your relationship, you ready?

I'm just going to give you one negative thing to do.

Take responsibility for other people's stupidity.

That was a little harsh. I could, I could reframe that.

I'm sorry. Take responsibility for other

people's actions. If you want to have a negative

relationship with people, take responsibility for their actions

and carry it like you were the problem.

Carry it like you were the issue.

I've told you this before and I'm going to say it again.

We don't need pre marriage counseling.

We need single counseling, we need single counselling because

if you do not deal with your issues of sin, abandonment and

rejection and anger and hurt, you eventually bring that into

the marriage. But if you're willing to deal

with this as a single, you bring a different person to the

marriage that doesn't have to now live in that way.

So what I need to do is this, I'm not taking responsibility

for your actions anymore. Can you just say that to your

neighbor? I'm not taking responsibility

for your actions. Why aren't some of you saying

it? I'm not taking responsibility

for your actions anymore. Oh, that, That just caused the

whole sanctuary to stir up. You're looking at each other,

going like Pastor Casey, this is going to lead to some

counseling. It will.

And where you could send that e-mail is to Lisa at Bridgetown

Church, dot US. Send all your counseling emails

to Lisa at Bridgetown Church, dot US.

It will lead to counseling because that's where you're

going to be healed. But you're not going to be

healed when you go to your counselor and you're unwilling

to be teachable. You're not going to be healed

when you're willing to go to a counselor and you're not willing

to do what they actually told you to do.

You're not going to be healed if you take what the people say and

you allow it to be now pushed back as a narcissist on the

other person. You will not be healed if you

hear what needs to be changed in your life and your eyes stay

closed and your heart stays hard.

You have to weep over what you've done.

You have to be broken over how you've lived.

You have to be willing to say Lord I repent because some of

you are like my wife. I'm going to play this in the

car when we go home. My my husband needs to hear this

like 5 times this week. No, you need to hear this.

Just like I needed to hear it that night and wept all night in

my bed because of what I've LED my family to.

I needed to hear it because the issue wasn't my wife, the issue

wasn't my kids, the issue wasn't how dirty my house was, The

issue was me, and the issue was my own sin and the issue was

taking responsibility for what I had done.

So David looks at what Abner and Joab do and and this is what

Joab does. He takes Abner and he says, hey,

let's go talk by the gate. And the Bible says that Joab

stabbed Abner in the stomach in verse 7 and the blood of Assayel

for the blood of Assayel his brother.

He took revenge on Abner. He deceived him with a

conversation, but he stabbed him with a sword.

Did you get that? He deceived him, then he stabs

him. Breaking up is hard to do

because we often carry the responsibility of other people's

actions. And David says this.

David heard it and he said, My Kingdom and I are guiltless

before the Lord. Forever of the blood, he says.

Forever of the blood of guiltless before the blood of

Abner, the son of Nur. I will not carry your

responsibility Joab. You made this decision and you

need to act on what is right in your life.

So since you cannot make others change, you must change yourself

that their destructive patterns no longer work on you.

I'm going to say that quote one more time.

I have gone way over in this message.

Since you cannot make others change, you must change yourself

by the power of God and the working of His Spirit, so that

their destructive patterns no longer work on you.

Yeah, I told you last week, my kids taught me a new word.

It's called rage baiting. And they were talking to me and

I got a little flustered and upset.

And they're like, Dad, we rage baited you.

I'm like, where is that coming from?

They're like, we're reading Doctor Henry Cloud.

I'm just kidding. They didn't say that.

But but this, this term came up and it's like trying to get at

people's goats, trying to trying to catch them, trying to poke

them and prod them. And because you're resentful and

bitter and hurt, now you poke at them in the same way so they

could feel just as miserable as you feel.

You can work on this. By the power of the spirit and

the power of the blood of Christ over your life, you can be set

free from this life. You could be set free.

As I spoke in Tennessee on January the 14th, this girl in

the back, she was on my far right hand side.

I saw her in the back sitting by herself.

She handed me this letter and she wrote these words.

She said thank you for your sermon today.

Tonight, she's 15 years old. I struggle with cutting myself.

I tried to take my life not even a month ago.

I live with my abuser. I've been dying a little bit

every single day, she wrote. Your sermon tonight means a lot.

Although we've had the DCS close the case on me today, actually,

my parents know about myself harm now and I've been living in

so much fear, she wrote. 15 years old.

She writes I'm waiting for it to get better.

And I was actually already writing you this letter, but I

needed to finish writing this and hand this to you.

And this is what she wrote to me at the very end of her letter.

She said I can wait and work on this because of what the Bible

says and if there is any hope in our lives, it is because of what

Jesus has given to us in the Scripture.

If there is any hope for change, it's through the power of His

Spirit. You will not work yourself out

of this or up to this. God has to work this into you

and out of you. We hope you enjoyed this message

and we'd love for you to join us in person every Sunday at 10:30

AM. For more information and

updates, visit wearebridgetown.com.

Thanks for tuning in and we'll see you next week.