What Happens When You Stop Pretending You're Fine | Arsenal Stories (Week 2) | Alexis Uribes

But we're a community.

We're a group of people coming together.

This is a gathering of human beings.

And what we're doing right now, we've started this series of stories.

And the reason we're doing this is because they're people that come to this church frequently,

that you see, and you know who they are.

Like, that's the lady with two kids that sits on the right side of the church.

Or, you know, that's the guy that sits in the back row,

and every Sunday it leaves a little early.

We know, or, like, that's the, that's the woman who has, like, crazy good fashion.

Right?

Like, we know people buy back.

We may not know their name, we may not know what they do or who they are.

And it's easy.

Are you guys trying to figure out who the woman is?

(all laughing)

You're about to read her.

So, we've done this thing where we want you to get to know each other.

And sometimes, knowing the arsenal can feel like, well, what is chat?

What is chat?

What is chat will be?

And I hate that.

I don't want this to be me.

This is a community of people.

So, in this stories series, we're bringing people up and ask people to share their story.

Tell you where they are.

Where they come from.

Maybe their faith journey a little bit.

Why they saved arsenal?

What the community has meant?

All of these things.

And so, they get to talk about that.

Or, the other prompt I gave was, like, if you don't want to talk about your story,

you can just talk about, like, a characteristic of God

that has maybe changed for you over the years,

the way that you look at God and what you experience at.

So far, everyone has picked to tell their story, so I don't get involved.

So, you get to hear from people in this community to learn who they are.

And I said last week, nobody in this room isn't it.

And what I mean by that is, about a hundred years ago, there was a Jewish philosopher,

his name is Martin Boomer.

And he wrote a little book, and I know that I got told last week

that people were, like, laughing about that.

That's his name.

There's just my 12 girls, and my 11-year-old cake was left.

A hundred years ago, this guy Martin Boomer was born.

He talked about a theory.

He wrote this little book.

And he was just translated "I" and "Now".

And Boomer said that there's really only two ways to meet anything in life.

A person, a tree, God, this table, anything.

You meet that thing in two different ways.

You can meet it as an "it".

Something you use, something you categorize, something you file,

your mental filing cabinet, or you can meet it as a "that", a presence.

Someone you actually encounter and understand, you get to see them.

So others will be there, and you're fully there.

And for a second, nothing is being used for anything.

It's a relationship.

It's a "that", moment.

A member's definition of "that", just like this.

The "I" in "that" moment is what he calls it.

Two ways of meeting.

"I" is.

You're the person that's an object by the useful, or "I" in "that" moment.

A person that's present is actually encountering them.

And most of us live in the "I" get loaded all the time.

It's normal.

It's the barista that serves you coffee every day.

It's the dry other drivers on the road that you are super blind to all the time.

It's a guy who runs sound.

It's not evil.

It's just our autopilot, how our minds work.

But Boomer believed, and I'll paraphrase you, that every time you truly meet another person as a "that",

you rush up against the eternal.

And that face across from you is one of the places God most reliably shows up.

And I think a lot of times we have potentially turned this Christian life

and the faith in the process into an "I" thing.

Guys, in our minds of how we operate, the Christian faith is an "it".

It is a... we heard it this morning.

It is... you say a prayer, transaction done, you go to heaven.

And it misses the "that".

It misses the relationship.

It misses the eternal "that" because you don't get to experience and encounter the presence of a person

who is the image of God, who is embodying the Spirit of God,

and who is the most unique expression of God that they can be, because no one else can be that expression.

And so, when we think about this idea that there are eight billion expressions of who God is in this world,

then every single day we get the moment to have a "I" the "I" moment to rush up against the eternal "that" moment.

And I believe that as we've talked through this last year on the experience of all,

it's not a coincidence that Dr. Kellen, the psychologist who studied this emotion of all,

that he came to define it that, out of eight things that he says that we find all in,

one of those main things is moral kindness, seeing another human being be kind to another human being.

You've seen it, you know.

I cry on Instagram every day about people that I don't know.

I'm like, "I'm crying. This is so sweet. Look at this kid."

There was a kid last night, the body and I were supposed to go to bed early, or Zoom scrolling.

And now I was.

She was just watching my feet.

And I came across this kid who was making bird sex. You see this guy?

Yeah.

What the heck? Like, he's like, "This is a grey horned owl, and then he does it."

You're like, "Is that, is this AI? Like..."

Right.

But it was just so... I don't know how to get tear. I'm like, "Well, I'm like tears."

And it hurts.

But it's just, I don't know, just, humans are grey.

You get to experience a moment when you cut yourself off from the bow,

then you cut yourself off from a version of that piece of eternal bow.

So, we're going to meet, and I invite you into a moment of the iPad.

For you to meet the eternal bow through another expression.

And so, we did that last week, marked an incredible job.

And this week, I mentioned, she might be someone that you've seen here that you're like,

"That one's got some fashion."

She dresses.

She finished. She saw that she's fitted.

Like, she was in a, in just this dope outfit, and I feel like I've used fashion.

I've come down with a language.

I even knew that she was going to talk today, so I won my bag of pants.

But it's been incredible getting to know her, and I think you get the opportunity now to hear her screams.

It would be an incredible moment of that, that I, that moment.

So, I want to invite a link to this, up to stage.

[Applause]

Alexis, can you hear her?

Alexis, can you hear her?

That's what we call Alex. Alex, can you hear me?

Alex and Alexis, will be good here? That's messed up.

Because I don't have any same stuff for us at all.

Thanks for doing this.

Appreciate it.

Yes, we'll meet Alexis.

Yeah, let's up.

[Applause]

Do you have any other questions?

Yeah.

I shall take a moment. This is really surreal for me.

I've always been, I guess, like, I've been in school when I've done presentations, and I always see the group presentations, right?

And I was always like, can I just go first, and I got to talk about over with, and luckily the group would always, you know, accommodate me.

Let me speak first.

So, today is kind of hard because I don't have a co-host, we're not doing a piano, and I can't kind of bounce off of someone else's idea.

It's surely all of my own.

And at the same time, it makes it so special that this thing tonight also makes it really difficult and uncomfortable for me.

So, if you see me kind of, thank you for that, if you see me, just kind of pause with me.

You know, I think a lot of times in our work, we are so caught up in the non-pauling and the non-pauling and the non-pauling and the non-pauling and the non-pauling and the non-pauling and the non-pauling and the non-pauling.

That means that it's kind of just pause and kick back.

So, anyway, I was not expecting to say all of that, but here we go.

So, who am I?

Well, Chad, you should use me, and thank you for that.

That was really doable. I wasn't expecting any of those words at all.

He mentioned my fashion, and yeah, I don't think it's that big of a deal. It really is just Pinterest, guys.

It's sort of Pinterest. And just say, I want to wear a white polo, and it will give you all these ideas.

That's the truth. It's going to be tricks that I promise.

So, I come this little bit.

But a single in mind, a little bit about me is, my name is Alexis.

If you haven't already met me, I hope to meet you.

If you haven't already met you already. I'm 28 years old.

I was soon the 29. I'm just crazy.

I can't believe I've already lived through a lot of 20s.

I feel like, oh, they're kind of horrible.

The 20s, if I'm being honest, I still feel like I'm 22.

But at the same time, I also feel like I'm technically a Gen Z, right?

At the same time, I still feel like I'm a millennial.

My siblings are millennials. I have a lot of friends who are in their 30s and 40s

that are also in that millennial category.

And then you'd be surprised to have some others as well, more than older category.

But anyway, the story is impoverished, and it's not anywhere near perfect.

It's not the most exciting, so if you tend to do as old or fall asleep, that's okay.

I won't be happy for that. Rest, you know.

I'm more friends with people, yes, older, of course, I already said that.

But so where was I from? Technically, I'm not from San Antonio.

I was born in college teaching Texas. Does anyone know what that is?

C-stat, okay. C-stat in the house. I'm not an IT fan, so don't mind excited.

Anybody guess what we go for?

There we go. Chat is not going to believe I go up here, because you can't get the horns out of the bike.

And they're actually right at number six, University.

Wow.

It's all right, but I'm from Ivy Land. I've been there since I was about 10 years old.

And I moved to Houston a little bit after that, and kind of spent another decade there.

Guys, I'm not that old, so I have a lot of story, but I have some.

So I spent a lot of my three teens, and a lot of my teenage years at Houston, I graduated there.

And then last four to 2018, I moved to the good old San Antonio, home of the beat and she tacos.

Wait, so the new thing for me was a big culture shock.

Like, so I put me out grown up eating that since I was like two years old, not me.

I got to come to go to San Antonio, the culture here, the people, the music,

and of course my personal favorite, the San Antonio Spurs.

And since I've been in this city, I've done nothing but all of it.

I've fallen in love with the people and the culture.

I've fallen in love, I think, with the unity.

San Antonio has compared to a lot of other cities.

You come from a big city like me, like Houston.

And there wasn't that much unity with the Rockets, and I'm being honest, there wasn't much unity with the Texans.

We weren't that great either, so it doesn't help.

Being a Cowboys man also doesn't help.

And yeah, something with San Antonio is just so special.

And I hope that whether you're from here, that you take pride in being from San Antonio, not just dogging on the city.

There's so many people that just hold the city down and I have so many questions as to why.

And maybe that's for their own personal reason.

But, okay.

So, being here in San Antonio, it's been a lot of my time here.

I'm a recent graduate from Texas A in San Antonio.

Go Jaguars, Chad is a student there, he's almost done.

He's seen him a little bit on campus, which is kind of cool.

You see your classroom at the same campus as you have.

And then on top of that, you're studying the same degree.

I also am a psych major, and I'm a minor in sociology, which is something he's really familiar with as well.

And then I always get the question, why psych?

Why psychology?

Why not business?

Why not finance?

Why not something that you can just make a lot of money in?

Well, it says, why don't you just go on to wildlife?

No, it's just not my thing.

You know, looks, don't laughs, knowledge does.

But, aside of the story, yeah, I graduated inside.

I can't honestly, it wasn't my first choice.

I, as a kid, it's funny, I remember telling my mom I wanted to be a pediatrician.

Which is, as a kid, who wants to be a pediatrician?

And I don't know, I think I just like the idea of just caring for people and kids and just wanting to help them in their journey.

And then I obviously realized I was like, okay, maybe a pediatrician is not for sure.

So then I was like, okay, well, what's one of the next best things, right?

Which is like, go to be a nurse.

So I tried to, or actually did everything to become a nurse and I was about to actually take my test to hopefully get into nursing school.

And then there was like a little pause in my mid-20s and something shifted for me.

And it was something in the sense of I had a family member who was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

And if you don't know what schizophrenia is,

it's a chronic brain disorder that alters how someone interprets their reality.

So it literally shifts everything in their everyday living.

And it's so easy to say those words, but we need to see someone who loves so deeply, changed everything overnight.

And it explains why, after we do, we're talking what we do, and just kind of move the reality.

It makes it really difficult.

And schizophrenia makes it really difficult to differentiate what's real and what's imagined.

And unfortunately, there is no cure for that.

It's just a way to manage it.

And it's just like a lot of medication.

It's still a good life.

It's just manageable.

But sometimes it's hard to even do that and accept that reality.

So that's when I knew I wanted to study psych.

I wanted to know what schizophrenia was.

And I thought it was a good idea to have a doctorate in the hospital.

And I thought it was a good idea to have a doctorate in the hospital.

And I thought it was a good idea to have a doctorate in the hospital.

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So we didn't come from a lot of money financially.

My mom had a workable job just to keep his needs to take care of all of us.

And I love that woman so much.

She's not here today, but I just, she's here.

Oh my God, physically she's here.

(Laughter)

No, she is here.

Oh my gosh.

(Laughter)

She's just not in the room.

Okay, okay.

She just stepped back to Dallas.

She had fun.

I'll see her sometime this week.

(Laughter)

So we did grow up on a lot of the financial things.

We probably bought a share, like, on restroom in 2003.

That's the most.

But being with my kids altogether, I was the baby.

So I came later.

My mom had the two boys, and they're two years apart.

And then my mom had the two girls, and they're also two years apart.

And so they kind of got to have each other pretty much growing up.

And then my mom called and I was the blessing, right?

I don't know.

The oopsie, really what it was.

And every time I say it, she'd be like, "It's bad."

(Laughter)

But yeah, so I was the baby.

I came eight years later.

And growing up at the 2000s, and so it's looking back.

And so we'll see that like this.

And then I got someone to kind of grow apart.

And then my sisters, they had each other to kind of grow up with.

And like, go through that time.

And then I'm just kind of like me.

You know, I didn't really have a wife, I guess, to grow with.

And I kind of led me to be like just, I felt like an only child.

I wasn't a only child kind of thing.

So I didn't necessarily have a buddy, but I had my group.

And I had the bedroom again, and I had my little Disney Princess TV

younger girl that says, "That'll be a champion."

So I told you I had to keep up with the conversation.

So we had that little TV.

And I had the bed.

I had my toys and free space.

I looked to color.

And I just had my whole girl like my little comfort, like my space.

So I think another part of it was less you.

I think another part of me looking back at live with likes is that she honestly liked her piece.

Something about closing the door to the bedroom felt safe and calmer than the chaos that was coming in and coming out of the home.

After a lot of thought in their possessions, it became clear to me as when I called myself a bedroom kid.

So within this scenario, specifically, I like to describe kids in cheap categories.

Not because it's scientific, but because it explains an example of my experience.

This could be different for you, but this is just for me today.

But there are living for the kids, and there are bedroom kids.

So living for the kids feel more comfortable in their home.

They can relax, they can color, they can play games, they can jump around, and simply exist out in the open.

And so if money was thinking about this when I got here, it would be a return to that one time when the woman was named by them.

We invited me and my partner to their house.

And we were just trying to live in her name now, conversating, and here comes little york.

And she was running through the house, and she jumped in, and she was playing, and you know she's been doing that.

So she's like, oh, she plays, and she's back flipping in.

And I'm in awe of this child, because she's just being yourself, you know. She doesn't have to feel like she has to be someone else in her home home.

And so that's what I see as a living room kid for me, but I became a bedroom kid.

And my bedroom was a safest place in my home.

It was quiet, it was predictable, it was peaceful, and safe.

So I stayed there, and I came through the commotion of the rest of the house around me.

A little did I know that I would get so comfortable in my bedroom hiding, that I would take on the identity of hiding.

So what an adventure being coming up that you can't do for me.

So today's talk we're going to be simply talking about hiding, masking, pretending, looking perfect, having the things that want that nature.

It's something that I don't know if you'll do, it's okay.

So my talk today is titled "You're Safe Enough" to stop hiding.

Hiding in my bedroom as a child felt like I was just avoiding conflict, but over time I realized it really became my identity.

I learned that if I stayed quiet, if I didn't mean much, if I didn't cause problems, if I didn't ask questions, life just automatically felt safer.

Being that problematic child became something I was proud of. Being the bedroom kid created me the peacemaker, created me being visible.

It turned me into someone who was skillfully learning to be polished and perfect instead of just a vulnerable and authentic.

So as I got to my teenagers and to my religion, I figured out what I was pretty much good at.

To fast forward, you know, being a bedroom kid, going into middle school to high school, whatever you want to learn in there, I got the good grades.

I finally got to play sports in middle school, so when I got the okay, I didn't at all believe it or not.

I got to high school, I danced all four years, and I made captain face in the middle year, of course, I got to push myself to be more.

And from the outside looking in, everything looked like it was going exactly how it shifted.

If I am, if you have a child or if you are, let me just say, if you have a child who is an unproblematic child, my therapist likes to say you can check on that child's voice.

And let them know that you can drop it all and just leave themselves if that was the case.

But as a child or a teenager, I love hearing my homesick things like, "I never have to worry about you. You're so mature. You're such a good kid. You give me no issues. You have such a good head on your shoulders."

And while those words were genuine for her, they meant everything to me, her approval, over time I realized I wasn't just trying to do the right thing.

I was trying to become someone who also never disappointed anyone.

So without realizing it, I started building an identity around always having it together.

I felt like I had to present the best version of myself all the time.

More people complimented me for being the good kid.

A harder became to let anyone see me when I wasn't okay, or when I was just tired and overwhelmed for now.

So by the time I got to my early twenties, I had spent years trying to do everything the right way.

But even though I think I looked like I was put together, I still feel like something was busy.

Something wasn't right there. I was still looking for something to just kind of feel like I guess a boy that I had hurt myself.

So I started to think that I could make it out of places.

I was going out with friends at the time, spending a lot more time in the night life seeing, not probably.

Drinking more than I had ever had. Chasing the bottom of the ball over a glass that made me feel accepted in a moment.

I think looking back with people, I was surrounded with them at that time.

We were all looking for the same approval in some sort of fashion.

But for me personally, I got so fed up with the pretending and the hiding that I just finally wanted to take the mask off.

I was searching. I was one in belonging. At the same time, I was one in approval, but at the same time, I also wanted purpose.

I was just looking for things deep down that I knew really couldn't satisfy me.

So then you're asking, "Okay, well, what did you do?" "What changed?"

"Oh my God, this is something to say." "I know, but I got in my church." "I got in my church for the first time."

And the other thing about that, because I never really grown up in church.

I didn't maybe want to try it since late to get a speckation box for me.

But I didn't grow up in church. I wasn't an officer or I wasn't there serving.

I wasn't with the other kids. I wasn't learning scripture. I wasn't learning theology.

I wasn't seeing my character in prayer. I wasn't listening to worship music. I wasn't doing the things.

And looking back now, even though despite any of that, because whether you have that back or where you don't, it doesn't matter.

I realized that God wasn't just leading me to one destination or just one church that I invited to you.

But God was walking me through Jesus's existence.

So American Franciscan trees, older and spiritual teachers, that we all know of Richard Rohr.

He shares his paradigm for the transformative process of spiritual which you're being three different stages consisting of, we have order, we have the disordered, and then we have the reorder.

He set us in quotes, "Order is the first stage. If we are granted it, and not all of us are, we feel innocent and we feel safe.

Everything is pretty much good. Those who try to stay in the first satisfying explanation of how they should be, tend to refuse and avoid any confusion, conflict, inconsistencies, or even suffering.

Disorder or change is always to be avoided. The ego believes. So let's just hunker down and pretend that my status quo is entirely good, should be good for everybody, and it's always true."

Looking back at my first church experience, that was my first season of liquor.

That's where I started thinking of when I started thinking a little bit more. You don't go new Sunday fun, they get as much more.

He started creating a little bit more, you start reading one of the more scriptures, you start figuring out ways to try to manage your sin, or another way to try to find your sin, right?

And that's just a place where I'm just like, "Okay, we have to do this thing, and then we've got to do that thing, but if we continue this thing, then God will grant us this thing."

And marriage is, you know, transactional, very just, I don't know, trying to just do what you think is right, because the church says so, and the Lord is says so.

So yeah, I started sending more Sunday services, I started getting involved, I even started serving guys, I started serving with kids, and that's a blast for me, so I love the kids in the back.

And those of you who have them, they are great.

And then I started to be free, and I just really just remember that experience being within this church that I'm just very raw, but not raw in the good way.

Like, we're just bringing off the band aid, because we have to, you know, we have to do this for God, and you need to turn from your ways because of X, Y, and Z.

And I just became really happy, it became really happy for the people I invited, oh my God, I invited people, and they would talk about something, and I was like, "Oh God, I don't want to go to my church."

And we're just in the same boat, and it just felt so horrible, like, there's no way I can bounce back from that.

And that's like my season at a border, and then this is when I transitioned out of the church, that one, that went to another one.

So then Richard Raw goes and talks about what he says is disordered.

He goes.

At some point in our lives, we'll be deeply disappointed in it, but what we were originally taught.

By aware our choices have led us, or by seemingly random tragedies that take place in all of our lives.

There will be a death, maybe a disease, a disruption to a normal way of thinking, or being in the world.

It isn't necessary that any real growth is to occur.

The disorder stages will be called from Adam and Eve, still reading the fall.

Some people try to go back to the original box, the order.

And they don't accept reality, which prevents them from losing further growth.

Permanent residence in the disorder stage tends to make people negative and cynical, maybe angry,

and quite dogmatic, as we search for solidarity.

So, transition down to the first church, which is what I call my border church, moving into disorder.

In the second church, I was like, "Oh, people, you know, they have lots of information, but it's like more on the back burner."

So I was like, "That's scary, everyone will live. I think it's cool that they're really talking about it, right?"

So, they have sincere people. I've met a lot of good people who are still kind of keeping contact with today,

and they love Jesus, and they have such good intentions.

So, I just want to say first that I don't think they were trying to create an age-run performance or being polished,

but for me, it just felt like everyone just had this together.

Like, if you think I'm on stage right now, wearing whatever it is, I'm talking to you guys, and like I have it together,

just imagine a whole room full of people that just like this, right?

You know, you don't want to come in and be with your body, and your leg is going to be in a lot of place.

But just imagine that first, like it's a whole room of people who just look like me.

You know what I mean? And I just felt like everyone had it together, and you know, you would ask someone,

"Oh, how are you going? How are you going? How are you going? How are you going? How are you going?"

But there was never a wrong answer. It was always, "Oh, good. The kids are good. Oh, my husband just said this,

and the business is moving, and, you know, we're fine, and his mom's fine, and, oh, we're believing for this.

It's God's going to do this, and we're just fine."

We're just fine.

We're just fine.

We're just fine.

I don't know.

You know?

And, you know, they were just starting boards for a few things, and you all have a policeman for God,

and just being in the presence of God.

And the message was always calm as you are, because that was our perfect,

but when I looked around, everyone just happened to see him early.

So whether that was a reality or just simply my perception,

it reinforced some ache that had been inside of me since I was a little girl.

I had to bet my whole life learned to be the good kid and problematic kid,

the one who had it together, so I thought, "Oh, man, okay, so this is what Christianity must look like, too."

I read a book a couple months ago from John Lynch.

His book, The Cure, and Chad has talked about this book, and later that I come to know that he's really close with this family,

which is really cool.

But we might be able to read this book, and in the book, he talks about him approaching a fort in the road,

and there being a huge pole, and there is two signs.

There's the pleasing God path that you can go on, you can walk this road,

and do everything you can to please God.

And then there's the trust in God.

I can't get into all the details of this book, but if you can read it, please do.

It's so freeing.

But as the book continues, it mentioned that the pleasing God path flees into this room,

and it leads to the room of good intentions.

It's a room where people are sincerely trying to please God when their works manage their sin,

and the goal is just to become overall better Christians, right?

Become more and better be Christ-like.

It's not a room that you can take off the mask, but it's really a room where you just keep it off.

And if you haven't had a mask walking in, thank you.

Often we wear masks because we're afraid that if people in the room are less, we'd be less.

Walking into the room of good intentions, I realized that having stopped wearing a mask,

I just couldn't walk in front of the other room.

So then, I felt harshness, which is what I call my reorder stage.

Richard Horriss says it's about reorder.

Only in the final reorder stage can darkness and land coexist.

Can paradox be okay?

We are finally at home in the world, and the only world that ever existed.

This is true and contemplative knowing.

Here, death is a part of life, and failure is a part of the victory.

Opposites collide, and they unite, and everything belongs.

At the reorder stage we come to the true inner authority, where I know something,

and the only nature of knowing, is that it's okay because God is in every moment no matter what happens.

So it's taking the tension from not knowing and knowing and part of it together.

Nothing needs to be excluded. I can live and work with all of it because apparently God can't do it.

For some, unbelievable reason, contrary to logic and common sense, everything does belong.

It's so funny, God works, not just for me, but for every person in this room.

God is so intentional to all the bits and pieces of our lives.

When I hear stories of just people in this room, it blows my mind, you know.

This story I always think is a lot because I'm going to say my first story come first, right?

It's about the whole thing.

So, coming from my previous church, right, it's very organized and organized.

[Laughter]

It's not fair to me.

[Laughter]

Okay, everyone watch that.

[Laughter]

God is I'm putting my foot in my mouth.

[Laughter]

No, this is okay. It's like working on you.

[Laughter]

It wasn't organized, right?

But I meant, like, we brought it, like, organization, right?

Let's think business, like, we're running at, like, a business show.

We have to perform this many, you know, people coming in and they have to give us lunch and, you know,

worship has to be three songs and it has to be this prayer and it has to be only two minutes

that you can, you know, XYZ told to your neighbor, so you hide by five people, whatever you call it, right?

So, anyway, first something to arsenal and I got to write with my partner.

She sent home care, one of her patients actually invited her to Arsenal, which is why I say,

"God, it's just so intentional," and everything, and every conversation, being a battle to someone else,

in a clinic room, just inviting, right?

So, we come and just, like, we're going to have this tournament and we're going to be like,

"I'm hoping to get like this."

"Oh, I mean, what are we going to do?"

So, we go check it out and she's like, "Pay what starts at 11, so, you know, we got to get there a little early."

And I'm like, "Okay, I can't have a bunch of sets today, I don't have any."

You know, "I don't want to be late, I'm coming for a minute, I'm late."

And then I'm ticked off because of late, when I made myself late, and I'm like, "You know what, no."

So, she's like, "All right, let's get to like 10.45, all right?"

So, we did my parking, all right, my parking, we did our seat, where anybody gets their seats, right?

And we did the thing, so we got here and I remember I came with her in my mom, and I'm doing the long,

and we got here and no free here at the door, and I had to open my own cupboard.

[laughter]

And I broke my own cupboard, and it was tough.

But anyway, we got in, and there's two people in here.

It was working on me, working on me.

And they were in the bag, and they were just sitting on this table, and talking, and coffee, and she said, "No, whatever."

And they were like, "Okay, like, make the marker for us."

"Oh, are you new?" "What are you doing?"

[laughter]

And we were like, "Oh, yeah."

And he said, "Okay, no worries, we'll call this here."

And he said, "The rest of the day are convenient, and we'll get started like 11-ish."

[laughter]

And we were like, "Okay, no one's in here, guys."

And we come to like, I don't like a couple rows up, and we get situated, and it's 11.05.

And I'm like, "Oh, the plan is going to count down to you."

[laughter]

So then, finally, we're going to go where she's starting.

And it was very, I think they were just smaller.

I was like, "You know what can happen?" I was very impressed.

And so it's really good, you know?

And no, I guess, should I say, border?

[laughter]

It's a hard, simple, right?

And just, Ron is in the way that it felt okay.

So take away those patterns that I had that church had to be like this, and had to be like this,

and you have to look like this.

And it was just so comforting.

And, um...

So I want to go back for a second to John Lynch's book.

The two paths were like a head mention, were pleasing God and trusting God.

And the trusting God, I don't know, it just sounded like too easy, like too simple.

Like, you just got to trust, and you don't really have all the questions,

like the answers, but it's like, I don't know, I guess.

The other option was the thinking God really thought for me.

Everybody couldn't live the same.

And it didn't feel right in my soul, which is very surface-level.

It was just like, "Okay, we're doing this again."

And how many souls do we see this weekend?

A pain grave, and then we have this path, a trusting God, and it leads to a room,

which is not the room of intentions, but the room of grace.

And when it comes to arsenal, that's an intuitive experience.

It's not a place where I have to prove that I'm certainly good enough,

but a place where I can actually be honest.

The room of grace isn't a place where people pretend they have it all together.

It's just a place where people can admit that they don't.

There are some communities who still pursue this holiness,

despite maybe looking for a dream.

[laughter]

That's not a place you want to be.

[laughter]

There are some other communities who still love Jesus.

They're not pretending that they've arrived,

and they have all the answers to your wrong questions.

I finally started to be honest with others.

But the most lovely thing I ever did was I had to work to be honest with others.

[laughter]

I realized I didn't have to earn love by me before they remember things.

I didn't have to keep proving that I was a good kid at 28 years old.

For someone who had spent years at hiding,

I had achievements and titles and affection.

I didn't think grace was something I didn't know I could do.

But I think God would just bring me to a different church.

He brought me to a place where I firmly believed I could be the only thing I loved.

[laughter]

So, I'm going to wrap it up here.

I'll invite saying this,

that I'm not here to convince you to believe exactly as I am fighting for storms.

I'm not here to convince you that you need to stay here at our school.

This isn't the point of my story, it's not the right view.

It's the invitation to accept us.

To your heart, you always say what the heaven is.

This isn't a good one.

It's interesting to have it with you.

My story is that I spent most of my life just fighting,

and even fighting the numbers,

and your open share needs that I've gotten in the least,

just happening together.

So, when I found here, it was completely different.

I found a community that believes honesty is more important than just pretending.

A place where I can say, you know, struggling or I have doubts,

I know I have stuff, I have bugs,

and I'm just so loved.

Sometimes that's really uncomfortable.

To do that, to ask people for help.

I'm going to go out and ask people for help.

I'm going to do everything in my heart,

to wear myself out before I ask people for help.

I'm working on it.

[laughter]

But I know that comfort is so overrated,

where growth always, almost always begins on the other side.

I hope that when you walked in today,

that you felt that there's a lot in this room

that maybe you haven't seen ever experienced before,

or maybe haven't experienced it in a really long time.

Not because that people care for perfect,

but because they're willing to admit that they're not.

So, whether you're all in on this same journey,

whether you're full of question,

or whether you've constructed it,

or whether you don't believe at all,

because I know someone in this room has deconstructed so much

that they don't even know what they would need if they weren't,

and that's okay.

I just want you to know,

and I want you to take this with you as you go out today,

because you're safe here.

I think during worship,

I had really touched my heart and didn't just say,

like, "I'm safe here."

You don't have to have all the answers.

You have to pretend.

You can take the mask off.

You can ask questions.

You can be honest.

You can eat you.

And I think that's what the horse told me about.

So, I just want to say thank you for allowing me to share my story today.

I have all the great two covers,

and hope and joy that I'm out of where you are in your faith,

but it's okay to be just here,

and just be with us, and we'll let you just figure out.

And I love you guys so much.

Thank you for allowing me to be here.

[applause]

There's an intention behind her to squirking the sage.

[laughter]

[laughter]

So, Alexis and I sat down Friday to talk.

And I heard a story growing up.

I didn't know what she was going to talk about today until this morning.

I said, "Hey, I need to do my slides."

Oh, really?

And the cure wasn't there.

John Lynch's book.

John was such a pivotal person in the transition for me in understanding the plan of Christ.

That book was life-changing.

And John would say that when you wear a mask,

when you're in the world, you can do these accomplishments.

If you're perfect, you can do that mask.

That version, if you can slowly go home, you can take a mask up the window.

I love that they use your mask.

And you, too, are still not accepted for love.

But love.

[laughter]

So, as Alexis is talking, she came here, she felt safer.

[laughter]

I just, too surprised.

That's what we do.

[laughter]

We don't have freeers at the door on purpose.

I remember, in a Saturday years ago,

I'm like, "Where else do you go as an adult?"

"Another adult reach other than Walmart."

It's okay.

[laughter]

It's just weird.

[laughter]

A lot of people come in.

The whole back area was supposed to have, like, couch seats

and living from set up.

Be where you could come in, because that's when people come in

and sit in the back row.

Where you sit, John?

The back corner of your back.

The spot right there.

Or the back corner of your back.

But they could slip out.

The moment they heard, they'd always heard in church.

The moment they felt not loved.

And so I was like, "We'll just put some couch back here.

People can hang out.

We have to be in church.

We're going to get the couch together."

[laughter]

But...

That's who we want to be.

Place people up.

You walk in here to accept it, look along.

You can't take the mask off.

But your behavior is not what you find as your country.

It's Christ, the love he has.

Even this morning, standing outside,

talking with my buddy Henry.

[laughter]

My heart burns for him.

At one point, he's like, "Well, the Bible says you can't do this.

This is wrong.

This is wrong.

You're teaching lies.

He's sending people to hell.

They're not saved.

You're not saved."

So, how do you know of someone's?

Jesus.

Well, their righteousness, their holiness, their blood.

So, no, no.

There's a word in Scripture that says how you can figure out

this one as Jesus.

I don't know.

That's the word.

You judge your mother through.

I said, "Well, what is that through?

Can you quote me in the relations file?

What is the through?"

Well, you can't quote that.

Oh, Duncan's sitting at a real dispute with this girl,

a TikTok, or Twitch, or streaming.

I don't know.

Her name was like 80 is something.

Some guy was walking around talking about like,

"Oh, this is a sin.

This Bible says you can't do this.

You can't do that."

She's like, "All right.

Tell me the scripture of Word.

It says how to get saved."

I just kind of broke.

What about the one that tells you, like,

about your love by Jesus?

Tell me the one that I feel would be like,

basically this, like, "All right,

quote the fruit to me."

She's like, "Do you quote all the bad ones?

What can't you just quote how you're loved?"

Then I told her to speak.

How do you know if any of us are in Christ

if you don't even know what the fruit looks like?

What the fruit is of joy.

Thanks.

Love, suffering.

Like, "Do you even know what it is?"

See, I'm knowing that many of these people are doing that.

But if you'd like to come in and experience some love,

some joy, some things, some kindness,

I'd like you to find it.

'Cause that's...

Amen.

And I think this is a place where I get to experience it myself.

And hearing stories where other people experience it.

We're okay.

We're right there.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah.

He said, "You know, if you teach the truth,

I mean, you're not going to be popular.

You're not going to have a ton of people."

And I said, "You haven't walked into the church yet."

I'm not very popular.

We don't have a lot of people.

I love you for the truth.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

I love this place.

I love this community.

Hearing stories just warms my heart.

I love being like, "I talked to Les and she's like,

"How else can we run?"

I'm like, "I've done, like, PowerPoint stuff in school,

but are you kidding?

What the heck?"

Should you preach every week?

You're lucky.

That's sorry.

You still don't know all.

You're lovely.

Here.

[indistinct chatter]

She mentioned it.

John Lynch says,

you're going to be like tweaked a little bit.

We'd like to say that you want to be a place where

you're going to have to hide.

You can share the worst of you.

You'll be a little more, not less, than sharing that.

I think that's what real love is.

Real love moves closer.

So, the invitation of this old thing is stories.

It's a experience that it's called now.

It moves closer to love each other well.

Every single week.

The close of this is, I think it is what the fruit looks like

through us.

It's going to look well because it's who you're making me.

It's going to do that to our local love people.

It's going to experience eternal love.

We'll see you next week.

[applause]