The Forgiveness Formula - 4 Simple Steps

Over the last several weeks, we have been talking about power and authority.

Jesus said that all authority has been given to me in heaven,

in the invisible realm, and on earth, in the visible realm.

And then he delegated that authority to the body of Christ, that's you and I.

So we all operate in authority.

We all operate in power. And we all have the ability, because of Jesus'

delegated authority and power, we all have the ability and the opportunity to

change and rearrange things in our lives and in the lives of those that we influence.

And the illustration that we have been using over the last several weeks is

the illustration of a power company.

Duke Energy or Union Power or whatever you have that gives electricity to your

home provides, provides assuming that your bill is paid and in this story assuming that you are.

Saved and in the body of Christ there has been power afforded to you to your

home and in order to access the power that the Lord Jesus has given you that

Duke power or union power has given you you're going to have to flip the switch

you're going to have to activate the power you're going

to have to use the power that God has given to each and every last one of you

in order to reign and dominate in this life.

And over the last several months, the Lord gave me a message to share with you guys today.

And I have, let me just say, I've been sitting on it, just waiting for the right time.

And during this week in study, it's the right time to give you this message today.

I'm a little nervous. I'm never nervous, but I'm a little nervous today because

I believe this message is a delicate message, yet it's very crucial for our lives.

And it is, if we don't get rid of this, it can be a hindrance and an obstruction

to what God has called us to do.

And so we're going to have to recognize and be honest today as I share what

the Lord has given me for you today.

I don't expect a lot of amens. Ain't nobody going to run around today.

But you will listen and you will hear what the Lord will have for you.

And somebody said, amen.

Open your Bibles to Matthew chapter 18 and meet me at verse 21.

Matthew 18 · chapter mention

Matthew chapter 18 and verse 21.

Matthew 18 · chapter mention

Not an easy subject to address today, but absolutely necessary.

Then Peter came to Jesus and said to him, Lord, how often shall my brother sin

against me and I forgive him up to seven times?

Now understand, Peter feels like he's asking a bold and audacious question here.

This person keeps repeatedly sinning against me. How often should I forgive give them.

In verse 22, Jesus said, I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to 70 times seven.

And so Jesus was using an illustration to exaggerate how often we should forgive, not 490 times, right?

He wasn't being accurate in the number. He was saying you should forgive as

often as you are sinned against.

And then he uses this illustration in verse 23. He says, therefore,

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts.

And so the kingdom of heaven can be compared to this king who wanted to bring up to date his accounts.

Verse 24. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who

owed him 10,000 talents.

Now, this is an unpayable debt that was owed to the king.

But as he was not able to pay

verse 25 his master commanded that

he be sold with his wife

and children and all that he had and

that payment be made now even if he his wife and children were sold it was not

enough to settle accounts with this king and if they're sold how are they going

to work and pay the money back if they are in prison and they're sold and look

at verse 26 the The servant therefore fell down before him saying, master,

have patience with me and I will pay you all what he thought he needed was patience.

Give me more time. I need patience and I will pay it all.

Verse 27, the master of the servant was moved with compassion.

That's grace released him.

That's mercy and forgave him. that's forgiveness

the debt so he thought he needed more time to

pay but what he really needed was forgiveness and

so watch this verse 28 but that servant went out and found one of his fellow

servants one of his homeboys who owed him $100 and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat.

Saying, pay me what you owe. So his fellow servant, his homeboy,

fell down at his feet and begged him.

Same story, same situation. Have patience.

I just need more time. And I will pay you all. And he would not.

But went out and threw him into prison. That he should pay the debt.

Verse 31. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done,

they were grieved and came and told their master all that had been done.

Then his master, after he called him, said to him, you wicked servant.

I forgave you all. Somebody shout all.

I forgave you all. Shout all again.

That debt. I forgave you all that debt look at verse 33 should you not also,

have compassion on your homeboy just as I have had pity on you,

and when the and his verse 34 and his master was angry and delivered him to

the torturers until he should pay all that was due him notice the debt was returned.

Verse 35, so my heavenly father also will do to you if each of you from his heart does not forgive.

Somebody shout forgive. Say it again, forgive.

One more time, forgive his homeboy who has sinned against him.

One of the hindrances in our lives is we are slow to forgive.

And we want to operate in power and authority, but we can't when we're slow to forgive.

And a lot of people have misconception about what forgiveness is.

A lot of people have this misconception.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, okay?

It does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or even excusing offenses.

There were several years ago, I don't know if y'all remember this story.

In Texas, a female white police officer walked into the house of a black male

saying that she went, she thought she was walking into her house.

And she walked in his house and within eight seconds, she shot him dead.

And then what happened she went to court and everybody went to court and the brother,

said the brother of the man dead said I forgive you in court and people were

saying well he shouldn't go to prison or she shouldn't go to prison I'm sorry

she shouldn't go to prison because she's been forgiven she said no no no no

no forgiveness does not mean we excuse offenses.

It doesn't mean we forget what someone has done, okay?

And so here we find out that forgiveness is a conscious and deliberate decision

to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person who has harmed you,

whether they actually deserve your forgiveness or not.

Let me say that again. Again, forgiveness is a conscious,

deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a

person or group who has harmed you,

regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

In Scripture, forgiveness is never presented as a feeling. it is always described as a decision.

Forgiveness is a decision and not a feeling.

Forgiveness always feels like a decision to reward your offender.

It always feels like a decision to reward them, but what it actually is,

it's ensuring you of your freedom from a prison that you are bound in.

One person quote, I don't know who said this, but I love the quote.

It says, unforgiveness is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.

And so forgiveness is a decision, deliberate,

intentional decision to release your offender of any type of anything that they owe you.

And you're releasing yourself of the vengeance and the resentment that takes place.

Now, Colossians chapter 3, turn there. Colossians chapter 3 and look at verse 12.

Colossians 3 · chapter mention Colossians 3 · chapter mention

Colossians chapter 3 and verse 12. Watch this.

Colossians 3 · chapter mention

Therefore, the Apostle Paul wrote this, as the elect of God,

or you could say the chosen of God, holy, that means you're set apart,

you're separated, and beloved, that means you are truly loved.

Beloved means be loved, okay? Put on tender mercies.

I'm supposed to put this on.

Tender mercies, kindness, factor in if you're going to be kind that someone's

going to take advantage of you.

Just go ahead and factor that in. I'm going to be kind. That means someone is

going to probably take advantage of me, okay?

Bearing or humility, I'm sorry.

Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less.

Meekness is strength under control and long-suffering. Look at verse 13.

Bearing with one another and forgiving. Somebody say forgiving.

Forgiving, say it one more time, forgiving one another, even if anyone has a

complaint against another,

or if anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

I like it in the Passion Translation, Colossians 3.13, the Passion.

Tolerate the weakness of those in the family of faith, forgiving one another

in the same way you have graciously forgiven by Jesus Christ.

If you find fault with someone, release the same gift of forgiveness to others.

Forgive because the Lord has forgiven you.

If you keep your eyes on the cross, forgiveness is a responsibility for one

undeserving person to another.

We got to keep our eyes on the cross and not on our offense or our hurt or even the person.

Or even if the person doesn't feel like they have done anything to hurt you.

Even if the person doesn't care that they hurt you.

We're going to have to forgive because the cross forgave us.

As a believer, you're called to view forgiveness from the perspective of the

cross and not from your hurt.

But from the cross. Look at Ephesians chapter 4 and meet me at verse 31.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

Ephesians chapter 4 and verse 31.

Ephesians 4 · chapter mention

The Apostle Paul said this once again. Let all bitterness. Somebody shout all.

That means we're not going to allow any, a little bit of this.

We got to let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put

away from you with all malice.

That means get rid of it, remove it. Look at verse 32.

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving. Somebody say forgiving.

Forgiving. Say it one more time. Forgiving. Forgiving. One another,

even as God in Christ forgave you.

I want to read this from the Passion Translation.

Lay aside bitter words, temper tantrums, revenge, profanity,

and insults, but instead be kind and affectionate toward one another.

Has God graciously forgiven you? then graciously

forgive one another in the depths of Christ's

love now I want you to understand the

apostle Paul wrote these two passages

of scripture that we just read and this

guy the apostle Paul is not sitting on the beach in Tahiti somewhere sipping

on a pina colada with his legs kicked up saying I'm I'm over here enjoying myself

and you over there y'all should just forgive This is a man that has been right

now writing this while he's in prison, falsely arrested,

whipped, beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, tried to be killed multiple times,

and he's telling you to forgive.

Now, we're not talking about a guy, like I said, sitting up somewhere, ain't got no problems.

We're talking about a guy in smackdown right in the middle of offense and problems

when he's saying, forgive.

This is the commandment of God to forgive.

Paul felt free to command Christians to forgive. Why? Because Christians have been freely forgiven.

Now, I want to say this to you, that because you are a saint,

you are a Christian. Those are synonymous, by the way.

The Bible talks more about you being a saint than it does a Christian.

And in today's society, I know Congress said, they said something like over

80% of people in Congress say they're Christian, and we know that's not true, okay?

So I like to use the word saint. Say, I'm a saint.

That's what the Bible talks about. The Bible calls you a saint.

As a saint, if anybody ever asks you to forgive them, you are required to forgive them.

It is a commandment and a requirement if you've ever been asked,

forgive me. Well, what if they do it again?

Well, we just read that in Matthew chapter 18. Peter said, I mean,

Matthew 18 · chapter mention

how many times are they going to do it in one day? Jesus said,

you're going to have to just keep forgiving them.

Now, I didn't say you got to keep trusting them, but you're going to have to keep forgiving them.

Anytime you're asked, as a believer, there was one particular time there was,

I didn't respond the correct way. I'm human, okay?

Someone said something to me, and I went off on them, and I didn't respond the correct way.

And I asked them, I said, you know what? I called them up.

I said, you know what? I didn't respond the way I should have responded to that.

I ask you to forgive me. And this person said no.

Now, you got to be very careful with that because you're teetering with,

are you going to get to heaven or not, where this is concerned.

This is a very serious deal.

This is why this is a delicate yet crucial topic today.

Because you can't harbor unforgiveness and then expect to walk around being

forgiven of the Lord Jesus Christ. You can't do both.

Now, God is good and we're sin abound. Grace abounds much, much more.

But we are under strict commandments to forgive, especially if someone asks us.

Are you listening to me today? Somebody say amen.

The question is, if you have a hard time forgiving, you need to ask yourself,

have you forgotten what you've been forgiven of?

Have you forgotten what you've been forgiven of? If it wasn't for Jesus,

we'd all be dead, separated, going straight to hell on the fast track if it wasn't for Jesus.

And if you are hesitant to forgive, it's because you are evaluating your forgiveness

in light of what was done to you rather than in light of what Jesus has done for you.

You don't forgive because the other person deserves it. You forgive because you've been forgiven.

Somebody say amen. Luke chapter 23, verse 34. Turn there. Luke chapter 23, verse 34.

Luke 23:34 Luke 23:34

Jesus said, Father, watch this, forgive them.

Now, Jesus is hanging on the cross at this point. wrongfully accused

hanging on a cross and he

says father forgive them for they do not know

what they do I've been thinking a lot about this because I think a lot of times

we incur offense and we don't give people the benefit of the doubt that they don't even know

what they're doing to you.

And in some extreme situations, they don't care.

But a lot of times they don't even know. And if you try to talk to them about

it, you're probably going to make it worse.

Now, listen to me, heed my words this morning. You're probably going to try

to make it worse if you try to talk about it.

So when I'm talking to you about today is between you and God,

not you and another person.

Disappointment and frustration occurs when expectations are not met.

Let me say it again. Disappointment and frustration occurs when expectations

are not met, and that opens the door for unforgiveness.

Disappointment and frustration occurs When expectations are not met And that

opens the door to unforgiveness,

I see it a lot in families. I talk to a lot of people. As a pastor,

that's one of the joys of my position.

I don't just talk to people in our church. I mean, I talk to a lot of people.

And I've come to find out that a lot of people are hurt because of what someone

in their family has done.

It's family hurt. And if you're really honest with yourself,

nobody can really hurt you unless they have gotten sort of close to you.

Pookie Ray Ray, I don't care what Pookie and Ray Ray doing, right?

They down over, somebody say, Devon ugly, I don't know who, I don't care.

But if Stacy say I'm ugly, I'm like, oh man, you know what I'm saying?

I feel a certain way about that, right? I don't care what they say down the

street, but when someone close to me says something, it can cause an offense.

And I want to talk about this expectation.

It's twofold here. When I'm talking to people and family members,

I'm finding out that there have been an expectation of a family member,

that either one was conjured up by yourself.

For example, man, I expected my mom and dad to maybe, you know,

do this, be more involved, be a part of what's going on in my life as I got older.

I expect them to be supportive, to be involved.

And they're not. They seem to don't care.

And so your expectation and them not fulfilling that expectation has caused

disappointment and frustration, which has opened the door for unforgiveness.

Or it could be even deeper.

It could be, I expected my father to protect me, expected my father to provide

for me, but instead, my father did things that no father should ever do.

And that's a real expectation.

You're my protector, my provider, my defender, but you're not protecting me.

You're doing things to me that no father should ever do to a daughter.

And then the door is opened for unforgiveness.

And we have to consider this expectation.

Expectation one of the things my wife and I and it's just full disclosure

we've been talking a lot about this about how we

have expected things from certain

people and they have not provided it well where did the expectation come from

we have to ask that question well I think that just we just kind of made something

up right we thought that they were going to do certain things that we thought

maybe they should be doing.

So we kind of made up. So now we're hurt. We're upset. And then we take a look

back at it. Like Jesus said, forgive them. They don't even know what they're doing.

And here I am hurt, upset, and they live in their life, could care less about what's going on me.

Why? Because I have made something up.

And now I'm disappointed because someone else has not fulfilled something I have conjured up.

Can I talk to you today when I

was when Stacey and I first got married and and I think she'll be okay if I

tell this story she always she bathes the children this sort of thing and and

then over time she started getting upset me because I wasn't bathing the children

and then she was really upset like why are you upset well you never bathe the

children well have you ever said.

Have you ever asked? Have you ever said, you know, tonight? Now she's upset

because she was expecting me to do something that was never even communicated.

She had an expectation. I didn't know nothing about that expectation.

Right? Are you listening to me? And now the door of unforgiveness is there,

wide open, saying, walk right through to me.

And then now we're in a bitter and we got to talk about it and so on and so

forth, right? It's the same thing.

Other situations. Maybe you've had a spouse that's been untrustworthy and they

hurt you because they've been untrustworthy.

Well, what do we do with that?

That's what I'm going to talk to you about today. How do we handle this expectation

that has been unmet or this expectation that is legit.

We didn't make it up, but they should have.

Follow through. Like in the analogy of a daughter and the dad maybe doing some

things that he shouldn't be doing.

What do we do with that?

Forgiveness is the first line of defense in the face of hurt and disappointment.

Forgiveness. Today's message is called the forgiveness formula.

I'm gonna talk to you about four simple steps

the forgiveness formula four simple

steps step one listen to me now identify who you're angry with identify who

you're angry with let me help you identify who that person is who is someone

you would prefer not to encounter again who's somebody you're avoiding.

Who do you find yourself having imaginary conversations with?

If I talk the deal, I'm telling you, I cannot wait.

Who would you seek revenge on if you knew there'd be no consequence?

Who would you seek revenge on if you knew there'd be no consequence?

Who do you secretly desire to fail?

Who do you secretly desire to

fail? So, number one, we're going to have to identify who is this person.

All right? Who is this person? And I need to identify.

If you're honest with yourself, you should be thinking about somebody right now.

Number two, determine what he or she owes you.

General forgiveness doesn't heal specific hurts.

Let me say it again. General forgiveness doesn't heal specific hurts.

You know what the person did who hurt you, but what exactly did they take?

Let me say it again. You know what they did and you know who it is, but what did they take?

Until you know the answer to that question you're not ready to forgive,

what did they take let me break this down forgiveness is always viewed as a

transaction if you look at the term in a financial environment to forgive would

mean to cancel a debt debt,

right? I'm going to forgive that.

I'm canceling the debt. I'm releasing the debt.

So it's a financial term, but when we use it in relationship,

there is a debt that's owed to you. Someone has offended you.

Someone has hurt you, disappointed you, but what did they actually take?

If we use the analogy that I used earlier about a father doing some things to

a daughter that should never be done, what did they take?

Well, they took your purity.

If you have expectations about what someone should be doing and they're not

doing it, what are they taking?

They're taking your dream and vision of how you wanted things to occur and to happen.

What did the person take from you that you are having a hard time releasing and letting go?

Ask yourself that question. What did they take? Well, they took my reputation.

As a pastor, full disclosure, people sometimes leave our church and they don't

say good things about me.

And I know that they're not telling the truth a lot of times.

And I have to forgive because they're damaging my reputation.

Are you listening to me today? I have to deal with it too. Dude,

someone leaves and they lie and they say things about me that's incorrect.

They get on Facebook. We have people do that. Get on Facebook and dog me out.

I have to say they are taking my name and ruining it.

So what do I do? Do I go knock on their door and fight them? I want to.

No. I have to say, Father, forgive them. For they know not what they do.

What did they take? It could be money, right? You loan some money.

They say they'll pay you back. And you see them, they driving around in a Lamborghini

and they doing well. And they owe you that $300, right?

What did they take? They disrespecting you in your face.

Come on, somebody say amen. Amen. And so general forgiveness doesn't heal specific hurt.

Identify who it is and what did they take so that we can complete this transaction.

Number three is we're going to have to cancel the debt. Somebody say cancel the debt.

That means this transaction is between you and God. You don't even have to include the other person.

Between you and God. Now, I'll say this too. A lot of hurt is still involved

in your life and your offender is dead.

And you're carrying hurt. If my mom would have done this or done that,

or if my mom would have lived her life better, she would not have left this life early.

Or if my dad would have, or if my sister, and you're carrying this hurt.

And they're dead, gone, and that's real hurt.

I'm not belittling that. There's still real pain there, and they're gone.

What do I have to do? I'm going to have to make a transaction between me and God.

I believe it's not necessary to tell the person you've forgiven them that you

have forgiven them. I don't believe that's necessary.

I think it can do more harm than good if they're still alive.

If they're dead, obviously you can't tell them. Don't try to conjure up no spirit

or something. That's just witchcraft, okay?

But if they're still alive, I don't believe.

I believe a lot of unforgiveness needs to take place between just you and God.

No need to walk up to them and, you know, I've forgiven you.

I don't need no forgiveness, you know what I'm saying? Then all of a sudden,

we're back to square one, right?

Just go to God with it and let that person just live the life that they continue to live.

And maybe, like I said, maybe they're taking your dream from you.

They snatched my dream from me.

I've got a friend. Can I be honest with you? I got a friend.

I was talking to him a little bit about this, good friend of mine.

And he was telling me, when I was talking to him, he was really engaged in the

conversation about this forgiveness piece. I said, what do you have to say about it?

He said, man, I got to forgive my parents.

I said, what? He said, my parents put me in school a year earlier than I should have been in school.

He said, and I always struggled with athletics because I was always the youngest in my grade.

And I could never really compete as well as I should because they put me in

school a year sooner. If they had waited a year, I would have been on the same

level of everyone else and I would have been slightly better than everyone else.

Unfortunately with athletics, there are people waiting until like seven before

they go to kindergarten now. People are doing this on purpose now.

They're like 20-year-olds as a senior in high school, crazy,

just so they can excel in sports. This is happening today.

But he was saying, and I always struggle in playing time and making teams,

and I love sports. so I always struggled.

And he's sitting at the lunch table telling me this, like, I have to forgive

my parents because they put me in school one year before they should have.

I went to kindergarten as four, and I wish I would have went as five.

What are we talking about? His parents have no idea about this.

So what are you going to do? Walk up to him and say, I forgive y'all for back

in 1981, you put me in kindergarten, I shouldn't have went, and I'm still mad

about that, you know? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no. He's going to have to simply forgive.

You're going to have to forgive. And so that's why I believe it's not necessary

to tell the person you've been forgiven that you are forgiven,

that you are actually forgiving them because it's going to cause more chaos.

When you cancel the debt, you're deciding that your offender doesn't owe you anything anymore.

He doesn't or she doesn't owe you anything anymore.

And last but certainly not least, so the first thing, identify who you're angry with.

Determine what they owe you.

Now you're going to have to cancel the debt. This

is between you and God and you're going to have to cancel it and the last and

certainly not least you're going to have to dismiss the case just dismiss it

what I mean by that your feelings will not automatically follow your decision

to forgive matter of fact my feelings,

rarely follow my decision to forgive if I were and I would never do this but

if I were to punch Rudolph in the face right now just walk up and punch them

in the faith and say, forgive me.

Now he's going to have to forgive me because he's a saint. He's a believer. I forgive you.

He don't want to. But Jesus said, right? But his face is still going to be hurt.

Are you listening to what I'm saying? He forgave, but he's still hurt.

And this is what forgiveness is. It doesn't mean, well, let me wait until I feel better.

No, you may not ever feel better. Okay? OK, if some of this hurt can go go down real deep.

You're going to say I make a deliberate, intentional decision.

To forgive and I'm still in pain.

But I forgive and don't listen to

any teaching that says and if you really forgive, you're going to forget.

Not true. OK, God can forget. It's going to be very hard for you to forget.

OK, now there have been some times I've had to forgive some situations.

Says I forgot a lot of details.

I can't really tell you all the details anymore, but I still remember what they

did, okay? I forgot about that.

I've let them go, and I've forgiven them, and you're going to have to forgive

even if your feelings don't follow it.

Your feelings are generally the last thing to come around.

They're the last thing to come around, and you're going to have to make statements

when you cancel the debt and dismiss the case.

Statements like, you don't owe me anymore.

You don't owe me anymore. So we got to identify who you're angry with.

Determine what they owe you. Cancel the debt.

And dismiss the case. You don't owe me anymore.