Matlock | 16/08/26 | It's Okay | Zara Osborne

Need that?

Quite glad I haven't got a headset.

Not really.

I'd be like being at work with a headset.

Let me work face on, you don't want that.

Right.

Well, I didn't think I'd ever be doing this.

So it's a surprise to me.

But on Sunday, somebody spoke about asking God what he wants you to do and like get out your comfort zone and stuff like that.

So I asked God and he said, do a talk.

And I went, eh, very funny.

And he went, No, I'm not kidding.

So I kind of wished I hadn't asked, but there you go.

Once you've said, once you've been told, get on with it.

So the title is It's okay for my talk.

And it comes with pretty pictures and slides, because that's what I'm like.

I figure if you say something, it helps me with pictures to remember what I'm on about.

Even though I can't see them.

So it's okay not to be okay.

And I don't mean that God wants everyone to be sad or ill or have hard times or anything like that, but it is part of life.

Stuff happens.

So why am I qualified to talk about this?

Well, I honestly can't remember the last time I was actually okay with generally.

So because stuff's happened.

I mean, I grew up feeling like a square peg in a round hole, and I didn't fit into things.

Didn't know why.

And I had depression from a teenager, but I didn't know because nobody said anything, and I didn't tell anybody.

I just go in my home, in my room, shut the door, put the radio on, cry, come out, stick a smile in my face, sort stuff out, repeat.

So, because that's what you did, and I didn't realise that wasn't normal.

Um, and some people think that when you become a Christian, life should be fine, and you should be able to cope with anything, but that that's not true.

You're human, you have the same stuff going on as other people, it doesn't avoid you.

I became a Christian aged 14, and a year later my dad asked my mum for a divorce, and he lived abroad because he was working there, teaching maritime navigation and maths, and there weren't jobs in this country.

And um, he was in Papua New Guinea, so you couldn't get any further away, really.

So, because that's right near Australia, if you don't know.

Um, it took about 10 years for the divorce to happen with the distance, and he'd only be home for four weeks at Christmas, if that, so I didn't really know him.

Um, it was hard for family with it being so long, and kind of things fell apart because I just spent the time hoping as I grew up from the age of eight for my dad to come home to fill the hole, and it didn't happen, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I'm not saying that becoming Christian means your world's gonna go pear-shaped.

I'm really not, I'm not saying that at all, but you never know.

When I got to finishing my A levels, God said to do a discipleship training score with YWAM, and never heard of him before.

Friend spoke about to me about Wyam, and I had to didn't have Google and iPhones and stuff like that, so I had to go and ask somebody.

And the vicar happened to know all about it, which was interesting.

So I did it, it lasted about six months, and I learned a lot about God.

And ironically, the course was about the father heart of God, so God's timing and all that.

Um, but at the time it was probably more head knowledge than heart knowledge, and it gradually grew to things that I got over time as things went on, so it kind of took a while.

I take your time to process stuff.

And after I finished that, I walked past a notice board, and there was a sign for an arts in ministry course, and God said to apply.

So I did, but only because I had no background in anything, and I thought I'd get told no.

So I figured I'd obey God, they'll get told no, that'll be fine, I won't have to do anything.

I got accepted.

Who knew?

So I went off to Canada, which terrified me, and I ended up staying to do an apprenticeship, and was a member of staff, and I learned to do stage management before all technology happened and everything, so don't come rushing.

And I was part of a physical theatre company that was set up there.

I found out that the person running it called Danny had thought I wasn't suitable to do the course or the apprenticeship or to stay as staff.

But he'd prayed at each step, and God had said to take me on, so he did, even though he didn't know why, because he did what God said to.

And you'll find out later why.

While I was in Canada, I got a gastrovirus, I was ill for a couple of months, on a hospital drip for a bit, lost a load of weight.

Not long after that, I got pneumonia because my immune system was run down.

Um so not having family there, no mobile phones, no nothing, it was really hard.

But I made three good really friends as a result of that, and one of them was Danny.

And they were as close as family could be at that time.

We knew each other really well because living on campus, it was like a goldfish bulb.

You knew everything about everybody, but you also got really close with the rough times and the good times.

They gave me support and encouragement, but they also challenged me if they thought I was sitting back and not trying to do stuff, so I couldn't get away with stuff, which was good because I needed that.

And ever since then I've had chronic fatigue syndrome from having those two viruses, it and that that's just how it is.

No one knows what to do about it, you can't cure it, you just live with it, and it means I have to limit what I do and plan every day carefully.

So I do set things each day.

If somebody asks me to do something different, it's not happening, not unless I drop something else.

So, but I found that in the Bible I've always liked certain people as they've not hidden that they have hard times.

David knew God, was with him in hard times.

And Psalm 18, verse 2 says, The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my saviour.

Psalms 18:2

My God is my rock in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

You don't need those things if everything's going well in life.

You don't even bother looking for them.

And they say you only appreciate what you have when it's gone, and that's often true, because you just get used to it.

I and I get used to things, and my version of being okay is not what most people would call it, but it's my normal day.

It just is.

Throughout Psalms, David has struggles.

He calls out to God in the midst of them, and he also praises God, even if he doesn't get an answer or the answer that he wants, or if circumstances don't appear to change.

His response is based on relationship with God, not on what's happening around him or to him at that time.

He knows where his strength comes from.

And Psalm 911-2 says, Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the Lord, he alone is my refuge, my place of safety.

He is my God, and I trust in him.

So after Canada, the three of us all moved back to London in 1994, it was a while ago, and I was unwell again about six months later, due to an incident causing trauma from a person I worked with.

And I would dissociate, so I wouldn't know where I was, and I wouldn't feel safe, so I would have to get think I would have to get away from my situation, and then I would just leg it, basically.

So I'd stop talking to people, stop reacting, and just go.

And once I managed, if you know London, once I managed to walk from Peckham to Oxford Street, middle of the night, about 1am, got the night bus back home, like you do, and I had to always make sure that I had change in my pockets and my door keys so I could use the payphone and then I could use this Ring the Samaritans or the police because sometimes I didn't even know where I was, and it would be like somewhere dark, had to look for the street sign, they'd look it up, come and get me.

And I got to know police and ambulance on first name basis, and at times they just took me home and I'm like, I haven't even given you my address.

Oh, yeah, we took you home last week.

It's all right, don't worry, we remember you.

I was like, I'm not sure that was a good thing, but you know, it worked for them.

Um, I also developed an eating disorder, got seizures, self-harmed as a way of trying to cope, a whole bunch of stuff.

After multiple attendances at AE, I ended up being referred to see a consultant and was told I'd got a bad case of post-traumatic stress disorder.

And that's why I'd got the dissociation, depression, and complex partial epilepsy.

Apparently, part of my brain had rewired itself because of what had happened, and that's what caused everything.

So they can't undo that.

These are just things that just are so I've still got the depression and the epilepsy, not the dissociation, got rid of that.

So I saw a specialist unit for six months that you stayed there to help recovering, and then a four-year day patient specialist unit at the Maudsley in London, where they dealt with people with PTSD and trauma and stuff like that.

And years later, I saw the professor outside, because I was a nursing student at the time, and she said, when I saw her, she'd only just started the clinic, and I was the first person she had actually assessed.

So God's timing was unreal.

Like, because I'd spent years with people not having a clue, and then this one person at that time had come from Turkey, set it up, sort it.

And I was asked at that time if I wanted to share a house with the couple, which I accepted.

And it was Danny and his wife Mary, who were living in London as well.

And what helped me the most was not that they did anything huge to help, but they continued to treat me the same as they had done before, before I became ill and all this stuff was happening.

And it was my safe place where I was accepted and I could just be myself.

I wasn't taked as someone with an illness, I was just me.

They spoke to me like they'd always done, included me in what they were doing.

I got asked to help with stuff with stage management when needed, help to make costumes, do phone calls, paperwork.

They they just treated me the same.

If they if somebody came and said, Oh, there's a body on the floor at backstage, they were like, Oh, that's Ara, it's fine.

We'll get her a drink, tell her we're at the bar, you know.

Got up, here's your drink, jobs are getting.

It's fine.

Just me, and that makes a huge difference.

It took me about six years to put my life back together in some sort of order.

I trained to be a mental health nurse.

Not that I thought I'd because I'd be amazing, but I had two really good nurses over the years that got how I ticked, were happy to say things as they were, and were honest with me.

So I didn't have to try and figure out what they meant or if they were being meant something else or keeping something from me.

And that's how I work, that's what works best for me.

And during that time, it was a long time where I felt lost and far away from God.

I'd stopped going to church because people could tell there was something wrong and they didn't know what to say, they didn't know what to do, so they just avoided me.

And I couldn't deal with that, so I just stopped.

Hence going to Canada, meeting these people, getting three really strong good friends, and he still looks out for me now and has done since that time.

And God didn't criticize me or leave me because I didn't go to church and I wasn't coping and dealing with things.

He provided good friends before I needed them, and to that time so I could develop trust with them.

And I felt far from God, not because he wasn't there, but because I had so much going on inside, and I couldn't see or hear him because of all the stuff going round my head.

Um he still saw me, he still knew.

And it's the same for you, he still sees you, and he loves you no matter what is happening.

You're still his child, and God's love does not depend on circumstances, and nothing is too difficult for him.

So I'm 121 is one of my favorites.

It reminds me that God is there day and night, and nothing is too big or too small for him.

I'm gonna have to turn around because I can't see it on there, because I'm short-sighted.

So I look up to the mountains.

Does my help come from there?

My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

He will not let you stumble.

The one who watches over you will not slumber.

Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.

The Lord Himself watches over you.

The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

The sun will not harm you by day, and nor the moon at night.

The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life.

The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.

When I moved back to this area in 2001, because I grew up here, God said it was time to find a church.

So I tried a few.

I was like, no.

And then I found this one, and God said you'll fit here.

And I shouldn't, well, sure, I I didn't know if that was good or not, considering the kind of state I was in.

But you know, um, I've just felt too broken and thought, mmm.

And it turns out God was right, and I've always felt accepted here.

Even when I've had a seizure and I'm a body in the room and over there, or I've had a panic attack and I've legged it out the door, and somebody's come out to check that I'm alright.

Lock myself in the toilet for a minute, that kind of thing.

It's still accepted, and it's like, oh, it's just Zara, that's fine.

And which is makes me feel comfortable, which is needed when you're having a rough time.

It's good to have a safe place.

I also find a sense of humour helps.

Some of you know about six years ago, I was told I had a 19 centimeter tumour on one ovary and a small one on the other one.

And the consultant, bless her, looked as though she didn't think I was taking it seriously, as I didn't seem bothered when she told me that I needed a full hysterectomy.

I just sat there and went, okay.

Um, I just entered it to my list of conditions and went, oh it's another one.

Oh well.

She said, Did I mind having a scar?

I was wearing long sleeves at the time if it confuses anybody.

And I said, No, I haven't worn a pippikini since I was about eight, so I'll be fine.

Not a sign of a smile from her at all.

Nothing.

Not a flicker.

However, a different consultant did the operation.

And afterwards she came round and said, Did I know I had endometriosis?

And I went, Oh, buy one, get one free.

And she grinned and said, Not anymore, you haven't.

I've got it in a tub.

So she got my sense of humour.

It's quirky.

And it was good to be able to laugh even though things are hard.

She ended up going up kilomanjara for some reason.

Um I now have other medical conditions as well, like fibromyalgia and migraines and stuff, diabetes.

But God's continued to give me friends who get me and are there for me and accept me for who I am.

It means I can't do all the things I want to.

If I do, I get more pain and fatigue, increase the risk of seizures.

And it's been a matter of learning how to manage day-to-day, to set things up so I don't do extra stuff, I don't get flare-ups.

It's normal for me to filter my day each day, set things up the day before.

Trying to fight it just means something else comes back to bite me the next day or later on.

I'm known to have rants at God.

Neil will tell you.

And God listens to me, loves me, knows all about it, knows why I feel that way and why.

Knows I just need to get it out of my system and have a vent.

Sometimes he'll challenge me and say, So, what are you gonna do about it then?

Don't just sit there.

So he doesn't let me get away with things either, which is good.

And I've yet to meet anyone who goes through life with no difficulty whatsoever.

Some people seem to have it all or are better at faking it and saying I'm fine, but you don't see what happens when no one else is around.

So don't feel like others are fine and it's only you that has difficulties.

I read a Bible note that struck a chord with me.

It says in 1993, a man was diagnosed with a debilitating disease causing vertebrae of his spine to fuse together.

He was hunched and walked with a cane.

He was told he needed to do something else besides pastoring church.

Oh, besides, because pastoring church won't want someone disabled to be their pastor.

He overcame the hurtful comment, and God used him as a pastor and as a powerful voice for undeserved and marginalized people.

And though the world may not know what to do with those with disabilities, God does.

James 2, verse 5 says, has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom of God promised to those who love him.

James 2:5

When our health or other things are reduced, our faith doesn't need to follow.

Our brokenness can be used by him.

The person most knows who most knows what it's like to have a hard time and be broken is Jesus.

He's the one person who's ever lived or will ever live who is perfect.

Out of everyone, you would think that he would have no suffering or hardship, but that's not the case.

He chose to spend time with people like tax collectors, prostitutes.

He healed people with leprosy, all people who weren't accepted in society.

He didn't judge them, but acted with love and showed them that they were important and valued.

He didn't let circumstances define who he was, but he knew his identity.

Luke twenty two, verse forty two says Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away.

From me.

Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.

So even when he knew it was time for his death and he was going to be crucified, he was still able to talk to his father.

And Jesus took the sin and suffering of every person who has ever lived and will ever live on that cross.

He could have stopped things in a heartbeat, but he chose to stay on the cross.

He knew it was the only way that everyone's sins could be forgiven and that everyone could have access to a relationship with God.

He did it because he loves us and there's no exceptions.

No one is too far away, too bad, or too hopeless.

There are no lost causes.

And you find in the Bible even Thomas doubted when he was told Jesus had risen from the dead and had not been there when Jesus appeared to the disciples.

He wanted proof.

Even though he'd spent time with Jesus when he was alive and had seen what he could do.

So John chapter 20 shows that Jesus knew this.

John 20 · chapter mention

And when they met, he didn't shame Jesus, Thomas, or reject him, but told him to reach out and put his hand into his side to stop doubting and believe.

He met Thomas where he was at.

So if Thomas can doubt when he was with Jesus, we can have doubts too, and Jesus will know what to do.

And remember, it's not just what happens to you, but how you respond to it that counts.

God sees who you are and how you are.

And the things you may not have told anyone else about.

He wants to be alongside you in the rough and the smooth times.

And God has always said to me, I never said life would be easy, but I always said I would be with you.

He also says things like, I've got this, I love you, I see you, lift your head up.

He keeps things short, because I don't think I would take in anything longer when I'm having a rough time.

But I can do a few words.

They get through.

He knows short works best for me.

And I'm not extra special or anything.

It's God who's faithful and keeps his promises.

And that's what makes the difference.

No matter how broken your past help you may feel.

That's why I know it's true when God says it's okay and I've got this.

Because He's already done so much more for me and one.

And God always keeps His word.

Hebrews 13, 5 to 6 says, I will never fail you, and I will never abandon you.

So we can say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear.

So when you don't feel okay, hold on to God's promises.

Put them in places you will see to remind you.

It can make a great difference to your perspective and encourage you that you're not on your own.

Ask for his courage and strength and his hope, and he will hear you.

He may not give you what you think you need or what you want, but he will give you what you need.

Remember, it's okay not to be okay and to ask for help from God and others, because God already knows.

You might know this book, The Book of Mysteries, that many people have read from before.

It's my turn.

So this is titled When I've missed it, The Cosmic Love.

So it's a teacher who is Jesus that teaches the student.

So the teacher's Jesus, student source.

Define love, said the teacher.

Love is to want the best for another, I replied.

Yes, he said.

And to put it another way, love is to put yourself in the place of another, to feel their feelings, walk in their shoes, weep with their tears, rejoice in their joys, take upon yourself their burdens, and give to them your life.

The scripture declares that God is love, he said.

If God is love, he must be the greatest love, the ultimate love.

Do you believe God loves us?

I do.

Then what must love do?

Then love must put itself in the place of another.

So what would be the greatest possible manifestation of love?

That God would put himself in the place of another?

And how would that actually manifest?

What would be the greatest manifestation of love?

God would have to put himself in our place.

He would have to walk in our shoes.

Yes.

And feel our feelings and cry out tears.

And take upon himself our burdens, he said, and our judgment and our death to save us, to give us life.

He would give his life.

Then if God is love, I said, that's what he would do.

Then said the teacher, the greatest possible manifestation of love has already manifested on our planet.

God has put himself in our place, and so there is no greater love, no greater love you could ever know.

When you feel it and when you don't, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't change anything.

Nothing you do can alter this love.

No good work can increase it, and no sin can lessen it.

When you feel it and when you don't, it's there nonetheless.

We cannot change it, we can only receive it and be changed by it.

We can only let it change us.

For the greatest possible love has already been manifested.

God has come down.

It's only for us to receive it and to do likewise.

So if you know someone who's not okay and don't know what to do to help, ask God, because he will know.

Doesn't need to be anything huge, could be a text, something practical.

You might not hear anything back.

But no, it's not going to be wasted.

Because God works everything together for his good.

Even if it's hard to see how at the time, and things don't seem to make sense or change.

When you look back later, you'll be surprised by how just one small action had a knock-on effect that made it possible for so much positive change to happen.

And remember that broken crayons still colour.

And if you don't know Jesus, all you have to do is ask.

It's not complicated, don't need any fancy words.

And remember, he already sees you, knows how you're doing, and he loves you anyway.

Don't lose hope.

If you want to come and talk to anybody at the end, feel free.

They'll be happy to chat and pray with you and everything.

Right, thank you, Zara.

So good thing to sometimes we just need some reality, don't we?

And a little story that's real and true.

And um let's just pray for Zari.