Companionship in Marriage

towards her groom, towards her husband.

And the statement is this, and this is my friend.

And this is my friend.

You know, the title of the next few weeks we're going to be looking at here

is married but not best friends.

You know, because we're going to see here the importance of it

because can you honestly say that your spouse is your friend?

You know, if you're married, you ought to be able to look at your spouse

and say that person is my friend.

Friendship is a foundational element of marriage.

If you're going to spend that much time with somebody,

I'll give you a little clue, you'd better like them.

You know, you ought to enjoy hanging out with them

because when it comes to marriage

and our spouse ought to be your best friend

because God joins two into one flesh.

That means much more than just becoming lovers.

It means joining our hearts, joining our dreams, joining our thoughts.

It means being best friends.

You know, take a look over into the New Testament for a moment.

Look over to Titus chapter 2.

Titus 2 · chapter mention

Titus chapter 2, down here in verse 4.

Titus 2 · chapter mention

Titus chapter 2 and verse 4.

Titus 2 · chapter mention

And we're going to look here because notice what the Apostle Paul encourages

the older women to teach the younger women.

Because that's really the other part of God's process

is those with experience

help those who are inexperienced to get experience

and to do the right things that are going to benefit them.

And we're going to see here, notice what it says,

that they may teach the young women to be sober.

That's to think right.

Because if you're not thinking right about marriage,

it's going to hinder the marriage.

But notice that next phrase we're going to look at,

to love their husbands and to love their children.

Now the word love here is philandros, which means friendship.

This is not an erotic type of love.

It's not anything like that.

It's a friendship type love to teach the women to love,

to be friends with their husbands.

This is important that we're going to look at,

this essential building block,

because today there's a lot of marriages fail

because the husband and wife fail to be friends.

Or they may have once been friends

and they let that friendship slip away.

And so we need to grab a hold of the importance of this,

those things that connect.

And we're going to see this because this is,

we're not talking about romantic love,

but a friendship kind of love.

You might say that we could,

the Bible translators could have said this,

wives be friends with your husbands.

You know?

To be friends with them because it's important.

You know?

Because when you understand that connection,

Ephesians 5 verse 29 tells us this.

Ephesians 5:29

It says,

So no man ever yet hateth his own flesh,

but nourisheth it and cherisheth it,

even as the Lord, the church.

You know, the word cherish here means to delight.

Cherish means to delight in,

to hold one another dear.

You know?

Literally to keep,

to hold closely to keep warm.

You know?

Your spouse ought to be somebody

that you keep warm with.

That's literally what the Bible's telling us here.

In this, it's talking about friendship.

Now, oftentimes in today's society,

there's people who say,

well, I can't marry somebody I'm friends with.

That's a wrong thinking.

Because if you can't be good friends,

you can't be married.

At least you're not going to be married very long.

Because there's going to be a problem come up.

There's going to be some issues that come up in the relationship

because you don't have that friendship

and that foundation that's built.

You know, I want you to understand,

marriage is the highest level of relationship

created by God between human beings.

Sometimes today people say it's the mother-child.

I tell you, God created husband and wife first.

The best thing, ladies, you can do for your children

is to love your husband and your husband to love you.

That's the greatest thing you can do for your children.

Because if you two together love your children,

they'll have what they need.

When they see a strong relationship in their parents,

you know, that high level of relationship,

so the friendship ought to reach its very zenith

in the context of a marriage relationship.

You know, but oftentimes today,

I want you to understand,

and we're going to talk to ladies and men here today,

but ladies, sometimes it's easy

for you to be drawn away

from a relationship with your husband.

Ladies, I want to encourage you

that no relationship you have with any other person

should come as close to the relationship

you have with your husband.

Not even your children,

not another lady,

and certainly not another man.

You need to guard those things.

Men, the same thing is for us.

There ought to be no buddy that supersedes your wife.

There ought to be no co-worker

that supersedes your wife.

There ought to be no hunting partner

or no secret treehouse fort buddy

or whatever place you want to put them.

I mean, nothing else should hinder that relationship

because God has joined you together.

You are put together.

You know, couples ought to be best friends.

It's by no means a sure thing, though,

because all of us quickly learn in life

friendships don't happen by accident.

Friendships that are maintained take work.

They take effort.

They take things to be involved.

You know, when we understand

that just because you made vows to one another,

you know, just because you trade rings with one another,

you know, just because somebody declared you

a husband and wife doesn't make you friends.

I want you to understand that matter of fact,

I believe true friendship is often strangely absent

from a lot of marriages today.

And it causes severe problems with not only within the marriage,

but also our culture.

Because they're thinking about marriage is a problem.

Because remember, remember what it says in Song of Solomon?

This is my friend.

She was speaking of her husband.

She knew that that was a place of friendship,

a place of security.

You know, when we understand,

we can cultivate a wonderful friendship within our marriage.

You know, there's many, many reasons

why marriages lack friendship.

You know, friendship is often lacked.

And this morning, we're going to look at the first one

as we go through this here this morning,

because we're going to look at this for a few weeks,

because there's a lot to cover in this.

But I think it'll be beneficial for you.

You know, when we understand that whether you're young or old,

married or single or even widowed,

you can learn or help somebody else

by understanding, encouraging them in this truth.

But we're going to look here.

One of the things that I find today in relationships,

a major cause of a lack of friendship in marriage

is couples focus on physical contact

in their dating relationship.

Physical contact prior to friendship becomes a problem,

because you're building everything backwards.

And when the physical takes priority

in a romantic dating relationship,

the friendship automatically stops growing.

Now, let's give you a little illustration,

because we're going to give you an illustration

from an ice cream sundae, okay?

Because I want you to understand,

the bowl is that intellectual union.

The bowl is the intellectual union.

That's the friendship that you have with one another,

to have that connection.

You know, a bowl in an ice cream sundae,

if you don't have the bowl,

what happens to everything inside?

It's hard to keep it together.

That is that intellectual union.

You might say the ice cream is that emotional union.

You know, that's the sweet part.

You know, the big like, it turns to love,

and you're all excited, you know, and all the things.

And then you have the toppings.

That's the spiritual union.

You know, the shared goals and shared dreams,

shared direction.

You know, when you get married,

you need to be moving in the same direction.

Especially when it comes to the things of God.

If you're marrying somebody going in an opposite direction from God,

you let them go.

Because you're not moving in the same direction.

The whipped cream is that physical union after marriage.

Now, here's the danger.

If you enter into a physical relationship before marriage,

the other three parts stop growing immediately.

Because God has them in an order for a reason.

God has established those things for a reason.

You know, because if you're dating and you skip to the last,

all you have is whipped cream.

You miss all the other things that are going to be beneficial

that maintain the relationship.

You know?

If you find yourself saying,

I was physically attracted to this person,

but I really don't know if I like them,

there's a problem.

You know, if you don't at least like them,

you're in trouble.

It's going to be a long road.

I want you to understand the importance as we look at this,

because if you never grow together intellectually,

emotion, or spiritually,

you'll stand there with nothing but a handful of whipped cream.

And I'll tell you what,

whipped cream gets old really fast.

If you have any questions,

you can talk to some of the people.

We used to have VBS offerings up here

with the penny offerings,

and the losers,

we had a tradition of giving the other one

a whipped cream pie in the face.

And most of the time,

about 20 minutes after the whipped cream hits you,

you're going,

eww.

Because whipped cream by itself,

without the rest of it,

just isn't the same.

It destroys very quickly

instead of being a benefit to it.

You know?

I believe it's a major contributing cause

of a lack of marital friendship

because premarital relations

so commonly accepted and practiced

and is rampant within our society.

The problem is,

this is practiced and accepted amongst believers.

they say,

I have faith in God,

but you know what?

They don't trust what God said.

God gave us the directions for a reason.

And if we follow His order of things,

it will benefit you

when we trust Him.

Do you have something, Gene?

Yeah.

Most young people,

they're afraid of moving the person

or dating

that will never get anybody else,

but they don't realize

God has a plan for them.

Yep.

If you wait on the Lord,

He'll bring the right one.

You know?

Good to hear the Martins,

you know,

meeting in church,

that's a good place to meet.

I like that.

That's a,

you know,

I often tell parents that too,

you know?

Your kids meeting somebody

at church camp

or at church

or a church activity,

there's a lot worse places

to be shopping for a spouse

than those locations.

There's no guarantee

you're going to get a good one,

but there are a lot better odds.

You know?

I'll just put it that way.

There's still a lot of other elements in it,

but you know what?

If you want the best,

you need to shop where the best are.

You know?

You don't look for quality

at the discount store.

You know,

you expect what you get

from the discount store.

You know,

if you use it once

and it falls apart,

you're like,

okay,

it's a discount store.

You ought to seek,

especially in marriage,

to be shopping in the places

that are going to have

a premium spouse for you.

That availability that is there.

We'll move on from that one.

But to the couple

sitting here right now

who know God is speaking

to them in this matter,

I hope it encourages you

because not only is there a problem,

but there's a solution.

Maybe the cause I just listed

applies to you.

Maybe it's a lack of friendship

because of something else.

It doesn't matter.

There's hope.

God doesn't want to punish you

throughout the life of your marriage

because you made some mistakes

along the way.

God says those things

can be corrected

when they're dealt with

in God's way.

To rebuild those things

in God's way

and the way God

put those things together.

because the word

we're going to look at

here this morning

for a few moments

is a key word

to focus on

and that's companionship.

Companionship

is directly connected

with friendship.

Companionship.

What's meant by companionship?

Well, let me share

a story with you.

A guy and a girl meet

and the guy likes to golf

and the girlfriend likes

to work out.

But they like each other

so they try each other's interests.

They golf together

and have a lot of fun

and he tries to teach her the sport

and she makes an extra effort to try

and sometimes they go work out together

even though it's not as fun

to him as golf.

But still, he's with her

and that's what makes it great.

So they get married

and they start to take each other

for granted

and they fail to realize

the importance of companionship

after they get married.

They forget about the friendship,

the courtship

and that the way

that you get them

is the way you keep them.

So girls start telling the guy

to go do his thing

while he's on the golf course.

She'll go work out.

So now the guy

is going to the one direction

and the girl another.

But after a while

the guy meets another girl

at the golf course.

She's a good golfer.

She really appreciates

his love for the sport

and wow,

they have a common interest.

Meanwhile,

a girl meets another guy

at the gym

and he's a real gentleman.

Almost reminds her

of the kind way

she was treated

by her husband

when they were dating.

And would you spot me

on this machine?

And the guy says,

sure.

And what you have now,

guys and girls

are both cultivating relationships

with other guys

and other girls

and deciding maybe

they like them better

than their spouse.

One thing leads to another.

It's all the devil's

great design

until finally something happens.

The breakup ensues

and it's all because

the lack of companionship

left them looking elsewhere

for something more

than what they could do

and what do they look,

what they looked for.

You know,

someone

they cannot

only be married to

but will also be what?

Their friend.

You know,

we find friendship

is important.

You know,

to be a best friend,

you know,

and men likewise.

You know,

let's consider a few

scriptures here this morning.

Proverbs 18.24.

Can you look that one up

for me, Daryl,

if you would?

Proverbs 18.24.

And then I need

Proverbs 27.9.

Proverbs 27.9.

Can you get that one

for me, Matt,

if you would?

The Matt up front,

not the Matt in the back.

And then

so Proverbs 27.17.

So if you can get

verse 9 and verse 17.

And then

Acts 27

in verse 3.

You got that one, Gene?

Acts 27, verse 3.

Acts 27:3

So let's read that.

Proverbs 18.24.

Okay.

How about Proverbs 27.9?

Okay.

And then verse 17.

Okay.

How about Acts 27

in verse 3?

Okay.

So the one thing

we find in these verses

that connects with friends

is friends spend time together.

You know?

Friends spend time together.

If you're going to be friends,

you need to spend time together.

Now, let's take a moment here

because all of us

probably have people

that we call our friends

but we're not as close to

as we once were.

And why are we not

as close to them

as we once were?

We're not spending time.

Time with them

makes a difference.

You know?

Because when we get together,

when friends spend time together

and want to be together,

they grow fond,

they stay connected,

they have fun together,

they talk together.

They talk together.

But you know,

those things come about

when how do you spend

your leisure time

going in different directions

is always a problem.

You know,

a lot of marriages today,

we have people

that do two different things

and they have nothing

that they do together.

They have that common connection

with one another.

You know?

As much as possible,

we should do things together.

You know?

Now,

I want you to understand

what we're talking about here

because there ought to be

some things in your life.

Now,

I know there's guys that hunt,

you know,

and it's like,

well,

my wife doesn't hunt.

Well,

that's okay.

Didn't say you can't go hunting.

It's just the fact

you need to make sure

you have something

that you both do together

that's not centered

around your children.

Because let me give you

a little advice.

Your children will one day

grow up and leave home.

They're going to depart

out of the scene

and you're going to have

an empty house.

That's the cause

of the great divorce.

Because they don't have

a relationship with each other.

They concentrate on their kids.

When the kids leave,

there's no basis

for them to come together.

Yep.

Yep.

That's exactly the dynamic.

I mean,

it's a,

but you see it play out.

You see it play out what?

Time and time again

in people's relationships.

And it doesn't matter

whether they're even

in church sometimes.

You say,

how does that happen?

I've seen pastors

that get divorces.

Why?

Because there's a problem

in companionship.

They're not in it together.

You know?

I want you to understand

it doesn't mean

that she loves going antiquing,

you know,

and you despise it.

You know,

if you don't like

antiquing,

then you're probably

a normal guy.

But sometimes

there's things

you need to do.

She doesn't take me

when they go shopping.

I just...

Shopping is not

our companionship,

let me tell you that.

We learned our processes

right away.

I'm a guy shopper.

I'm like a hunter.

This is where it's located

in the store.

We're going in the store.

We're getting this.

You know,

unless you go to a really

cool store,

like a tool store,

and then that's

a different store.

You know?

If you go to Sheels,

that's an exception,

okay?

But the nice thing

about Sheels,

you can send them

downstairs

and you can go upstairs.

Amen?

Go look at the fish.

But you know,

I want you to understand

that you can

go do those things,

but it ought not

to be to the exclusion

of spending time

with one another.

You ought not

to exclude

or make that

such a priority.

It excludes

that connection

with one another

because that connection

is important.

That's the reason

the Scripture

makes it clear

in there,

this is my friend.

That was a declarative

statement

that was a foundation

of the relationship.

To understand

that dynamic

of friendship,

you know,

it's talking about

oftentimes

that we need

to,

as men,

we don't want

to do,

men who do

what they want

to do

at the exclusion

of their wives

will have a problem

because when we do

things that separate

us apart,

instead of draw us

together,

there's going to be

a disconnect.

We need to be careful

of that a healthy

marriage cannot

operate that way.

You know,

this is the reason

companionship

is so important.

Now,

number one there,

because it's,

why is companionship

so important?

Number one,

because it's unhealthy

for a married person

to spend the most

enjoyable moments

of their life

in the company

of somebody else.

As a married person,

you should be able

to enjoy the company

of your spouse

and enjoy those

moments of life,

the things that you

enjoy together.

You know,

oftentimes we can

get drawn away

with different things.

You know,

and sometimes we can

ask, you know,

why did somebody

even get married,

you know,

when the guy just

wants to hang out

with the boys all

the time or sit

and play on the

computer?

And, you know,

why did they get

married?

Sometimes the same

for ladies.

Why do they talk

with their friends

for hours on in

and shop?

And why do they

even want a guy

around when that's

all they want to do?

You know,

if the only time

you have fun

is when they're

not around,

then how in the

world will you

ever have a

friendship together?

You ought to have

things that you

enjoy together.

Find things that

you do together.

Maybe it's finding

something different

than either one of

you think you like

and go do it

together.

Do something

together.

You know,

companionship

is important.

It forms

closeness

in a relationship.

Some may say

we don't have

common interest.

God made us

different.

Well, I'll bet

if you just pray

about it,

God will give you

something you can

both enjoy together.

You know,

you need to have

that connection.

That connection

in marriage is

what builds

lasting marriages.

you know.

We need to

understand

to not give up,

but sometimes

you're going to

have to swallow

your pride,

push away

selfishness,

and pray that

God would give

you something

you can do

together.

Companionship

is important

because anything

less is unhealthy

in the relationship.

Number two,

companionship

is important

because pursuing

your own self-interest

without your spouse

demonstrates selfishness.

You know,

it's really sad

when people

who are supposed

to be adults

act like kids.

When they say,

if I can't do it

my way

when I want to do it,

I'm going to pick up

my toys and go home.

You know,

selfishness

causes an unhealthy

relationship

because it doesn't

help companionship.

because it becomes

one-sided

in the relationship.

Gene?

When I was first married,

I was first strong

and very selfish.

It took me about

10 years

to get older.

I prayed and asked

the Lord,

but when I realized

what I was doing,

I guess it makes me

more receptive

to my wife's teeth.

I saw

and I said,

that's the way

we're going

and God did that.

Amen.

Amen.

You know,

and that's a testimony

sitting there.

You know,

that God can work

through those things,

can't He?

You know,

if we're willing

to let Him

and let Him

do those things

and you'll find

that that is important,

but companionship

is also important

because it will lead

to a fulfilling marriage.

You know,

you're either looking,

are you looking

to just fulfill yourself

or to have

a fulfilling marriage?

You'll never be happier

than when you strive

to be a giver

and not a taker.

When you give more,

it will make them

want to be a giver

which benefits you naturally

and it all snowballs

from there.

You know,

to do those things,

to be fulfilling,

you know,

sometimes it's a common problem

that sometimes we do

have issues in life

and things come up

and we just deal

with all the negative things,

you know,

instead of saying

what are things

going to be beneficial?

Because, you know,

oftentimes,

and this is another

common scenario,

a man has fun

with people at work

and he goes home

to the washer is broken,

the dog did his duty

on the car,

you know,

you have a whole list

of things that hit you

at the door when you come in

of all the things

that happen,

you know.

Then he spends his day off

doing something else

but only thinks his spouse

in terms of survival

and by just getting by,

if they never have fun together,

they'll always associate

negative things

with each other

while they associate

fun times with others.

You know,

you need to do fun things together.

That's what builds companionship,

you know.

to do things together.

You know,

God gives us a lot of things

you can do together.

I know people that,

you know,

do all sorts of different things

together.

It might be going out

camping together,

you know.

It might be doing

different things,

you know.

We like going out

and adventure

and we go hunt waterfalls

and go look at mountains

and trees and things,

you know.

And I have a philosophy

if it's worth going,

you can drive there.

If you know what I drive,

you'll understand.

If my Jeep won't make it,

it's probably not worth going.

But that's just,

you know,

we joke around about that,

but you know,

it's something we do together.

April and I do that together

and we do other things together.

We need to do,

have something in common

together that we do

and just to enjoy

spending time

with one another.

You know,

your relationship,

you need to enjoy

wanting to spend time

with the other

because the other thing

in this is that

companionship is important

because shared experiences

lead to shared feelings.

Shared experiences

lead to shared feelings.

Things you experience

with somebody else

connects you.

You look back

at those moments.

if God made two into one,

then it makes sense

that those two

will do

one thing together.

You know,

think about this

as the Bible

teach this.

You know,

consider what it tells us,

Ephesians 5, 25.

Husbands,

love your wives,

even as Christ

also loved the church

and gave himself

for it.

Sacrificial love.

Nothing is so important

that you won't

sacrifice it

for her.

You know?

Guys,

our relationship

with our wives

is important

that we invest in.

Got to invest

in that connection.

You know,

the problem is,

I think oftentimes

with guys,

we get the idea

we keep a conquer mentality

even after we're married.

Because it's almost like

you spend a lot of effort

to win them.

And then you've won them

and it's like,

okay,

I've got that trophy,

put it on the shelf

and let's go do something else.

The problem is,

your wife,

she's not a trophy,

she's your wife.

She's not an accomplishment,

she's your wife.

You need to keep building

that relationship.

Keep investing

in those things.

You know,

those things together.

You know,

you think about

Ephesians 5,

Ephesians 5:26

verse 26 says this,

that he might sanctify

and cleanse it

with the washing

of the water

by the word,

that he might present

it to himself

a glorious church,

not having spot

or wrinkle

or any such thing,

be holy

and without blemish.

So men ought to love

their wives

as their own bodies

and he that loveth

his wife

loveth himself.

You know,

if you're going

to love your wife

and loving yourself

need to be interconnected.

if you're one,

to love her

is to love yourself.

It's for your benefit.

It's for her benefit.

You know,

it's a sanctifying love.

It goes on in Ephesians

in verse 29,

it says,

for no man

hath yet hated

his own flesh

but nourished

and cherished it

even as the Lord

the church.

You know,

when we understand

this idea

of one flesh,

of what God

is doing.

You know,

that's a secure love

and some people

are insecure

because they're not sure

if their spouse

really likes them

as a friend.

That friendship,

that companionship

is important

and critical

in a relationship

in a marriage.

To maintain

those things,

to enjoy

time together

because shared

experiences,

shared connection

build bonds.

It's what connects

people together

and especially

in marriage.

And so we'll leave

off there

before we get

into the next point

next week.

But, you know,

think about

your companionship.

You know,

be observant,

be thinking about

those things

of how that connects

and how that

importance of that

in your relationship

relationship

with your spouse.

And if you're single,

you can think

in context,

how does that play out?

What am I doing

to prepare myself

for that

in the future?

Because if you're

going to get married,

you'd best to be prepared

before you get there.

At least a little bit.

You're still not prepared.

Marriage is an adventure

that you...

Because you never know

where it might take you

or what's going to happen.

But if you have

the right foundation

and the right connection

and the right attitude,

the right companionship

with God,

you can go through

anything

that you face

as you're together.

Let's pray.

Heavenly Father,

as we come before you

this morning,

Lord, we just thank you

and praise you

for your word.

And Lord,

even the reality

of just our spouse

being our friend

and even our best friend,

Lord,

that you might

just help us

to always be mindful

of that essential nature

of that connection there,

Lord,

that you might

build those bonds

with one another,

Lord,

even in the relationships here,

Lord,

that we might be mindful

of those things

and the importance of it.

And Lord,

we just ask all these things

in your precious name.

Amen.

All right.

See everybody...