Commitment and Respect in Marriage

And hopefully everybody got a handout here for part three of our series here

as we've been going through just some helps here with marriage.

And, you know, even if you're married, you need to hear this.

If you're not married, you need to hear this because if nothing else,

you need to know how to help somebody else because, you know,

we have a lot of hurting people today.

And one of the big areas of hurt is in relationships.

But God gives us the information and the helps that we need to walk through these things,

to be able to do it right, to have a right perspective and a right attitude towards that.

And so if you found Song of Solomon, chapter 5, let's look down at verse 16 again here this morning

Song of Solomon 5 · chapter mention

as our themes we've been looking at here.

It says this, it says,

His mouth is most sweet, yea, he is altogether lovely.

This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.

So let's pray.

Heavenly Fathers, we come before you this morning, Lord.

We just thank you for your word.

We're thankful for all that you've given to us.

Lord, we're just thankful that your word reveals even those things of our relationship,

of in marriage and together.

Lord, we pray just have your hand upon the things said and done here this morning

might glorify you, encourage your people.

Lord, to help us to draw together, especially the married couples.

Lord, that they might understand the importance of this principle of being friends that are tight,

friends that are close.

And Lord, we just love you and thank you in Jesus' name.

Amen.

You know, we begin looking here.

We began a few weeks ago and we've looked at three key words to unlocking this idea of friendship in marriage.

You know, one of the things today that we've looked at, oftentimes people don't look at marriage as needing to marry their best friend.

But the Bible says that whoever you marry, your spouse needs to be your friend.

It needs to be somebody that you're connected with.

And that part of that, building that connection, is companionship.

You know, companionship.

And we talked about that dynamic of companionship in this because we saw in our text there that this is my friend.

You know, this is my friend.

Friends are companions.

You know, there's a companionship that is there.

That's time together.

You know, one thing you cannot replace is time.

You know, oftentimes people think about replacing all sorts of things, but there's only one commodity that we've been given that you can't get more of.

Once it's gone, it's gone.

And that's time.

Everything else, you know, you can make more money.

You can get more things.

You can do all sorts of things, but you cannot replace time.

And companionship and time are essential together.

You know, I want you to understand the importance of having that tie together.

You know, oftentimes couples get separated because they're not companions.

They don't want to take an interest.

You know, it's one of those things.

Even wives, you know, take an interest in what your husband does.

Because you know what?

What your husband does is a key part of their life.

You ought to understand it.

You know, it's funny that the longer you hang out, you know, it's my daughter and my wife, you know,

they've hung out with me and I've been around vehicles and equipment and things my whole life.

And it's funny how she'll look at me and she says, the strange part is after this many years,

I understand what you're saying, you know.

But you know what?

As companions, you ought to, and guys, you ought to know the things about your wife.

You ought to know those things.

And that connection that is there, that companionship.

And so last week we talked about conversation.

You know, we looked at the reality here that his mouth is most sweet.

Now we're not talking about perfume or lip balm or breath mints.

It's talking about the words that are there.

You know, our words are important.

And we understood, you know, we talked last week and Gene tried to get me in trouble, you know,

that women need more words than men do.

But, you know, God wired men and women differently.

And communication needs to be understood both ways.

You know, it's just like, I want you, we talked about this reality that women,

you can't expect your husband to be another woman.

To communicate and want all the words and all the little things.

Guys, we need to learn to be good communicators.

It doesn't mean that you have to speak as much, but you need to learn to communicate.

And both sides have to understand where the other is.

And work to grow those things together.

To understand that tie together in that.

And so we've seen companionship.

We've seen conversation.

And this morning we're going to look about commitment.

Commitment.

This is trying together.

Trying.

T-R-Y-I-N-G.

Not trouble type trying, but effort type trying.

Putting in the effort that it takes.

Because a marriage is way more than a wedding.

You know, one of the realities of today is oftentimes the wedding is focused more than the marriage.

The wedding is but for a moment.

A wedding will come and go.

But when you look at the reality, 30 minutes of the wedding ceremony pales in comparison to 30 years.

Or 40 years.

Or 50 years.

Or if you're really blessed, God gives you 60 years or 70 years.

You know, I often tell people, you know, they said the things here in Nebraska, you know,

where they talk about people that have been married for a long time.

And it's one of those things that I hear some of these.

And the only thought in the back of my mind is, is yeah, they made it through everything else.

How you celebrate 70 years together, you both live a long time.

You know, because if you've been together 70 years, you've worked through these other things that we've talked about.

How do you celebrate 70, 75 years?

You live a long time.

I think it was a few years ago, they had some couple out in the panhandle.

They actually celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary.

And I'm like thinking, you definitely lived a long time.

Why?

Because that's the only way you get that point.

Is live a long time.

You know?

Well, but I want you to understand, how did they get there?

Well, one of those areas was not only companionship or conversation, but was commitment.

Because there's some time, it's going to take some grit.

It's going to take some intentionality.

And we understand that this commitment and trying together,

this is a critical part of marriage relationship.

But yet, even though it's so important, it's oftentimes so lacking.

The importance of commitment.

Because we see here, our friendship to continue to grow,

there must be a mutual respect for each other.

You know, this idea of mutual respect.

You know, often when relationships have trouble,

you'll find that it boils down to oftentimes,

them not respecting one another.

There's been a loss of respect.

Respect.

This idea of respect is critical.

You know?

The opposite is true.

In a strong marriage, there's a high degree of respect for each other.

This idea of respect within the marriage is key to its strength.

Of respecting one another.

You know?

There are things that I can do to lose the respect of my wife,

and there's things I can do to gain respect.

And the same is true in reverse.

We have to have commitment.

We have to be desirous to do those things.

Because I want you to understand,

when it comes to respect and disrespect,

it's important.

There was an article that was written here,

I thought, made a few statements

that are very important for us this morning in this area.

Because it said this,

disrespect in relationships isn't simply a matter of not being nice.

Disrespect goes beyond just not being nice.

It's a subtle, often unconscious erosion of trust and equality.

At its core, it reflects a sense of imbalance,

where one partner feels undervalued, unheard, and even disregarded.

And this imbalance can be manifest in countless ways.

And he gives a list here I thought was pretty good.

You know?

Some of the best things you can do sometimes

is not try to rewrite something,

but just tell what somebody else already came up with.

And this is good, because listen to what he has to say in this.

The imbalance can manifest.

In other words, this is how it's shown, a lack of respect.

Passive aggressive behavior.

Backhanded compliments,

silent treatment, or deliberate forgetfulness.

You know?

Passive aggressive behavior.

Trying to manipulate.

You know?

One of the things of lack of respect

is trying to manipulate the other person into doing something.

Emotional manipulation.

Guilt trips, threats,

or making a partner feel responsible for their emotions.

Now, I want you to understand,

the reality is that sometimes people use those as tools against somebody.

And we have to be careful because it's a sign of no respect.

When we have breaches of trust, dishonesty, secrets,

or neglecting needs or agreements.

Dismissive or invalidating communication.

Interrupting, belittling,

or refusing to consider their partner's perspectives.

You know?

We see that play out oftentimes

when it comes to respect amongst couples.

These things tear down a relationship.

And that's exactly,

if we're going to build those things together,

we need to understand this need of respect.

And these things will show up.

It says this,

While the surface may show irritation or anger,

the hidden seed of disrespect

often stems from fear and insecurity.

Whether it's the fear of losing control,

not feeling good enough,

or past hurts,

this fear can distort communication and actions

leading to disrespectful behavior.

You know?

I want you to understand,

disrespectful behavior

becomes a toxic relationship.

Now I want you to understand,

those things can be fixed

if we go back and look

and do what God's Word tells us.

I want you to understand

that we can correct those areas

and correct those things.

And while there's many symptoms

of a lack of respect,

but one of the very common ones

you'll find is name-calling.

You know, today,

it's amazing as you talk to couples,

they try to negate the other.

They try to downplay,

they name-call the other,

they degrade,

they have lack of respect

in their terminology.

You know, we need to be careful

with our words.

You know, we talked about that

in communication.

You know?

We need to understand

that names hurt,

but they're not the real problem.

The real problem is the lack of respect

which led to it.

In other words,

like many things in life,

it has to do,

how are we thinking?

Because what we have in here

is what comes out here.

When we understand

the importance of that,

it's critical for us.

So I want you to understand

this morning,

your spouse should have

a position of respect

in your mind.

You say,

why should your spouse

have a position of respect?

Because of the position they hold.

Because they're your spouse.

You chose to marry them.

That's important

to always remember.

You both made a choice.

Part of that choice

was to respect one another.

To understand,

we're going to look at these things

about commitment here today

because commitment to this

is what helps build

mutual respect.

You know?

And we're going to understand

that all the verses

we're going to look at

deal with friendship in marriage

and true friends

will have a commitment

to these things.

You know?

Because the sad part is

people can be married

and not friends.

We've looked at those things.

You know,

you ought to enjoy

hanging out with the person

you're married to.

To enjoy those things.

But the first one

we're going to look at

is a commitment to sacrifice.

A commitment to sacrifice.

You know,

take a look over

in the Gospel of John

with me this morning.

John 15,

John 15:13

verse 13.

John 15,

13.

Here this morning.

And I get a volunteer

to read that this morning.

Brother Dunn,

would you stand up

and read that for us

if you would please?

Verse 13,

13.

Greater love hath no man

than this

that a man lay down

his life for his friends.

Yeah,

think about it.

Greater love hath no man

than this

that a man lay down

his life for his friends.

You'll consider here

this morning

if a true friend

is known by being willing

to lay down their life

for someone they love,

shouldn't we be willing

to sacrifice

their time for them?

You know,

oftentimes when we

consider sacrifice

we think of some great thing

but sometimes

it's the little sacrifices

that make a difference.

The little details

that make a difference.

You know,

oftentimes we need

to sacrifice

something that we desire

to do for the sake

of us together.

You know,

hobbies can become a problem.

There's nothing wrong

with hobbies.

There's nothing wrong

with lots of things

because we can have

things that are good

and have them

in a wrong order.

You know,

I always used to

laugh at my dad.

My dad used to make

a statement

that I thought

was pretty applicable here

because

my dad loved plants

and loved doing things

gardening and farming

and all these things

and he always

had an interesting statement

because he said,

you know what a definition

of a weed is?

A weed is nothing more

than a plant out of place.

The reality is

a weed in your marriage

is something out of priority.

It might not be bad

of itself,

but it's something

that's in the wrong place

or the wrong priority.

When we understand

the commitment

to sacrifice,

we need to understand

how that plays out

in our relationships

with one another.

You know,

we had to have

a commitment

to taking care

of one another.

There's a joke

about an old married couple

that was up in years

and a person

witnessed him

getting out of the car

and he opened

the door for her

and she took his arm

and they walked slowly

into McDonald's

and she sat

and he went up

to the counter

and got one hamburger,

an order of fries,

a small Coke,

walked over and sat down.

They cut the burger in half

and gave her half,

counted out the fries

and gave her half

and then he started

eating his half

as she just watched,

never taking a bite

of her half.

A man watching said,

this is the sweetest thing

I've ever seen.

Can I just buy you

another meal,

my treat?

You shouldn't have to share.

Oh, we share everything,

they replied.

He continued eating

and she just sat there.

The man came back

and said,

I'm going to have to go soon

but just wondering

why you haven't started

eating, ma'am.

She says,

don't worry,

I will,

we share everything.

So five minutes went by,

the man nervously glanced

to watch the lady.

Finally he burst out,

what are you waiting for?

And she looked at him

and said the teeth.

Commitment to sacrifice.

Not recommended.

All the way down

to the youngest ages

get good dad jokes, right?

Commitment to sacrifice.

You know,

one of the key things

is that commitment

to be able to say,

I'm willing to give up

something that I value

for something

that I value more.

To understand

that we need to be willing

to sacrifice things

for the benefit

of the relationship.

Now I want you to understand,

I'm going to make a little caveat here

because there are certain things

you should never surrender

or sacrifice

in a relationship.

Your walk with God

should never be sacrificed

for a relationship.

Who you are

and who God made you

should not be sacrificed

for a relationship.

I want you to understand

what we're talking about here

is your choices

that you're making

with your time

and the things

that you're putting forth

and that commitment

that says

this person

has a priority.

This person

is important.

This person

is going to direct

my decision making

because of the priority

that I place upon them.

Secondly,

here this morning,

we're going to look

at a commitment

to closeness.

A commitment

to closeness.

You know,

this doesn't happen

by accident.

You know,

it only happens

on purpose.

You are as close

as you choose

to be with somebody.

That's the reality

because if you put in

the time

and you put in

the effort,

there's going to be

a result.

To understand

this dynamic

and the importance

of how we put

those things

in the right place.

To understand

the importance

of a commitment

to closeness

and to understand

the priority here.

Look over at

Proverbs chapter 18.

Proverbs 18 · chapter mention

Proverbs chapter 18

Proverbs 18 · chapter mention

and verse 24.

Proverbs 18, 24.

All right.

Who's got that one

for me this morning?

Harry, you got

that one back there?

Proverbs 18, 24.

All right.

You know,

the reality

of closeness.

You know,

to put those things

in the right place,

in the right order

that we might

be bound together

because apart

from the Lord,

your spouse

should be

your closest friend.

Your spouse

should be

your closest friend.

Now,

the problem comes

because sometimes

I've heard women

talk about

the guy they're married to

that says,

well,

he's more concerned

about his mom

than me

or their buddies

or their coworkers.

You know,

I want you to understand

that that's that idea

of leaving and cleaving.

You ought to love

your mom,

but guys,

your mom

is not your wife.

There's a priority

that takes place.

Ladies,

it's been said

oftentimes

that they have

a bigger relationship

with some other lady.

That's their priority

and consumes the time

and all the things

around them

instead of time

with their husband.

That's important.

You know,

we need to understand

the priority

of friendships

and that commitment

to be together,

that commitment

to closeness,

to say,

this is where I want

that circle to be.

This is where I want

to draw those things in

because sometimes

with women,

there'll be another woman

that she'll talk to

that'll be the priority

that can cause a problem.

Another area is kids.

Now,

I want you to understand

as a parent,

you have a great responsibility

to your children,

but your children

are secondary

to your spouse.

The best thing

you can do

for your kids

is to have

a good marriage.

The best thing

you can do

for them

because if you guys

are together

and right

and things are proper,

the kids are going

to see and witness

and grow up

in an environment

that's going

to benefit them.

That's the reason

as a mom,

your priority

needs to be first

to your husband.

Now,

I want you to understand

very logically,

kids take a lot

of time.

That's just a reality.

But I want you to understand

you can't let them

replace building

that closeness

and building

that commitment

to one another.

To understand

there has to be

intentionality,

sometimes things

just need to wait

because there's

no other relationship

in the Bible

that's talked about

like the marriage

relationship.

the marriage

relationship

is the only one

where it says

the two become one.

That two become one.

It's spoken of

and addressed

very directly

because let me

put it to you

this way,

children suffer most

when mom and dad

aren't right

with each other.

If mom and dad's

relationship

is not right,

it causes an issue

to the children.

That's the reason

the most important

relationship

in a family

is the husband

and the wife

because that's

what produces

the children

that God wants

them to grow up

in that environment.

That's God's design.

He understands

that there's a security

that's there.

You know,

I think today

we have a lot

of insecurities

amongst kids

because parents

create the insecurities

in the children

by their relationships

and the things

that are happening

and the instabilities.

It creates a lot

of insecurities

in the kids

because you know what?

Your kids look at you

and they look

at your relationship

and they find security

when they know

you two are tight,

they feel safe.

Now, I'm not saying

they won't act out

and do some weird things.

I'm just telling you

that when it comes down

to it,

that gives them security

because no matter

what else happens

in life,

they can look and say

mom and dad

are together.

There's a security

in that,

you know.

The best thing

we can do

for the next generation

is to nurture

marriages

and to do that

we need to understand

the importance

of closeness

in that relationship.

You know,

it's amazing

that if you were

to be asked

how close are you

to your spouse

on a scale

of one to ten.

You know,

it was interesting

when they did

a survey with this

that a lot of guys

said eight

and a lot of women

said two.

I want you to understand

there's

something that needs

to continue

to be worked on

to draw together.

To draw them

together

is important

because the only

way to solve

that problem

is to do it

on purpose

because to have

a goal of saying

we're going to

have closeness,

we're going to be

together.

together.

You know,

I want you to

understand marriages

don't fall apart,

they drift apart.

That's a very

important reality

because more than

once you'll hear,

well, you know,

we've been married

for 20 years

and all of a sudden

we just,

the kids leave home

and suddenly we just

don't know each other.

You know what the

problem was?

They were so consumed

with everything else

that was happening

that they didn't

notice the drift.

The drift didn't

happen when the

kids left home.

The drift apart

happened way years

before.

When the kids left

is when they realized

it.

Let me give you

an example.

Have you ever noticed

that when you're

home alone

that you hear

things in the house

that you never

hear otherwise?

I'll give you

a little insight.

The house is making

the same noises

when everybody's there.

The creaks and the

moans and the

different things that

houses do as

temperature change,

but you don't

notice it because

of the hustle and

the stir and

everything else going

on.

Oftentimes people

begin drifting apart

and they don't

realize it until it

gets quiet that,

hey, there's been

a problem.

They begin to hear

and see things that

they weren't attentive

to because of the

noise.

But as a couple,

your goal ought to

be when the kids

leave home, you get

to just enjoy each

other again or

continue to.

To be able to have

that freedom and

the liberties.

You get to go spoil

the grandkids.

When we understand

the problem here

is important.

You know, there

was a, many of you

remember an old

newspaper commentary,

I'm trying to

remember what they

call it now, the

columns that they

had, called

Dear Abby.

You know, and people

would write in.

You know, one of the

ones that she received

was, it says, I'm a

42-year-old man with

three wonderful

children and they're

all grown and in

their 20s.

Yes, we had them

young and I have

been married for 23

years and things have

been good between my

wife and me, but a

year ago my wife, who

is an accountant,

decided she wanted to

try real estate.

She took a class, got

her license and now

sells real estate

part-time.

She's doing so well

at it that she plans

on quitting her

accounting job soon

and concentrating on

real estate full-time.

My problem is I have

been having empty

nest syndrome and now

my wife is working

every weekend.

On weeknights I sit

and watch TV by

myself while she

works on her

computer.

On the weekends I

try to keep busy

doing jobs around the

house and cleaning,

but I'm bored, lonely

and depressed.

Have I mentioned, I

have mentioned this to

my wife and she says

I should find a

hobby.

His comment is this,

he says, Abby, I

don't want a hobby, I

want to be with my

wife.

She absolutely loves

her new job and

talks about it

constantly.

I don't want to ask

her to quit her job

because she would

resent me for it

and no, I don't

want to sell real

estate with her.

Any suggestions?

You know, that

didn't happen overnight.

That drift and the

lack of commitment to

maintain things

throughout began to

display itself.

You know, we need to

be on guard to make

sure that it doesn't

happen to us.

You know, to

understand we need a

commitment to sacrifice,

we need a commitment to

closeness, we need a

commitment to honesty.

You know, Proverbs 27

and verse 6.

Proverbs 27, verse 6.

Proverbs 27:6

Proverbs 27, verse 6.

Proverbs 27:6

You got that one,

Darren?

Can you stand and read

that one for me?

Faithful are the

wounds of a friend,

but the differences of

an enemy are the

people.

Okay.

A commitment to

honesty.

You know, faithful are

the wounds of a

friend.

Now, how would a

friend wound you?

You know, being

honest.

You know, honesty is

important.

This powerful verse,

you know, some people

sugarcoat everything and

gloss over the truth.

They say what you want

to hear and not what

you need to hear.

The one thing to keep

in mind, you need a

friend, and especially

your spouse ought to be

able to tell you things

that you are

uncomfortable with.

Because a friend will

tell you the truth even

when the truth hurts.

Because sometimes the

truth does hurt.

Because sometimes we

might know it, but when

we hear it, it changes

the perspective, doesn't

it?

To understand, to speak

the truth,

truth.

But a friend speaks

truth uniquely.

Because I want you

to understand, there's

people that you meet,

they might speak truth

to you, but their

truth is not being

presented in the right

way.

They're trying to jab

you with truth to

hurt you.

A friend doesn't jab

you with truth to hurt

you, but to help you.

The perspective of one

is to do what they can

to destroy the others

out of love to build

up, to encourage, to do

that which is right.

You know, to speak it

in love.

You know, isn't that

what God calls us to

do, to speak the truth

in love, with the

right attitude and the

right spirit?

Because you can say

the right things the

wrong way.

You need to understand

the importance of

this.

And oftentimes people

speak what people want

to hear rather than

what they need to hear.

You know, one of the

problems, I think, with a

lot of preachers today,

we see people preaching

things that people want

to hear instead of what

they need to hear.

We need the whole

counsel of God.

We don't need the little

antidotes and problem

things.

We need to understand the

importance of God's

counsel and what God has

given to us.

Because nothing will

undermine respect in

marriage like dishonesty.

Openness and honesty are

such important qualities

in marriage.

If your spouse discovers

they can't trust you to

tell the truth, they will

not respect you.

You know?

Because the problem is, is

when there's a lie, there's

always disrespect.

It causes a problem that

needs to be dealt with.

You know?

It's been said there's three

types of liars.

There's some who are born

liars.

You know?

How many remember the

Lucille Ball show?

You know?

Lucy.

I mean, she's, this is a

great illustration here.

Because she's habitually

lying about everything.

The money, the kids, the

dinner, the new clothes.

And it's interesting in

that show that Ricky doesn't

respect her because of it.

Now it seems funny and

cute on TV.

You know, little things you

see in sitcoms and things

in relationships might seem

quaint or kind of cute or,

you know.

But I want you to

understand those things

destroy a real marriage.

Those things destroy a real

marriage.

A compulsive liar has formed

a habit of constantly

deceiving.

Almost a subconscious power

trip to holding truth away

from others.

When they lie, it serves a

purpose even when it

doesn't.

You know?

You need to understand that

sometimes people are liars

and causes a problem.

I want you to understand

that's one reason that God

tells us that we need to

get to know one another.

You need to look at, if

you're going to, young

people, before you get

married, you need to look

at the character of the

person that you're talking

to.

It's important because if

you're not honest and true

and right in the things you

do, if they're not honest

with you before marriage, I

guarantee you it's not going

to get any better after

marriage.

Matter of fact, it'll get

worse.

I want you to understand that

you need to drop them like a

hot rock because it's going

to cause disruption in your

marriage.

You know, it amazes me how

many people tell somebody

when they're dating they want

to put things under the rug

and not be honest.

But if there's ever a time

for honesty, it's when a

couple is dating.

Because anything that you

disguise while you're dating,

you'll have to deal with

while you're married.

We need to understand the

importance of what we're

looking at.

You also have what you call

a band-aid liar.

You know?

Lies to try to fix

situations or get out of

trouble when the pressure's

on.

You know?

To try to fix things up or

to smooth things over.

You know?

And that goes right into the

next one, that protector-type

liar.

You know, lying about finances

saying, I didn't want my

spouse to have that kind of

pressure.

You know, some people can't

bear to let their spouse

know the hard truth.

You know?

It's amazing.

And I think in our current

economic situation we're

facing, there's going to be a

lot of people that are going

to wake up one day and find

out that a spouse has been

lying to them because there's

no money to pay the bills.

You'll be surprised how much

that happens.

Because they weren't honest

with one another.

Because sometimes honesty,

especially in finances, is

important.

You can get in trouble in

finances in a marriage trying

to be honest.

dishonesty will crush it.

I want you to understand

that we need, we hide behind

the fact that we don't want

to hurt somebody else, but it

hurts even worse when they

realize that you haven't

told them the truth.

To understand the importance

of this.

And so as we begin, continue

looking at these things, you

know, we're getting pretty

practical here about things

such as commitment and how you

earn and keep respect.

A commitment to sacrifice.

A commitment to closeness.

A commitment to honesty.

And we'll continue next week

and we'll look at three more

commitments that bear and are

needful in this.

So we're out of time here this

morning, so we're going to stop

there and we'll pick up here,

Lord willing, next Sunday on that.

And so, but let's go ahead and

we'll be.

We'll be.