Building Respect in Marriage

If you want to turn over to Song of Solomon again this morning,

we'll start here with our verse we've been looking at.

Here is we've been looking at the importance of being friends with the one you're married to.

And it's that critical dynamic of being friends,

but oftentimes in relationships the problem is, is they're not friends.

They end up in a relationship together for all sorts of different reasons,

reasons often which sometimes are emotional, attachment to it.

And so we need to be understanding of how do we deal with this,

because I want you to know this also, that by applying godly principles,

even if you're not friends now, you can get and work on that in a relationship if you're intentional.

It takes effort, it takes work, it takes a commitment to those things,

because look here in Song of Solomon chapter 5, look down at verse 16 with me this morning.

Song of Solomon 5 · chapter mention

It says,

His mouth is most sweet, yea, he is altogether lovely.

This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.

Let's pray.

Heavenly Fathers, we come before you this morning.

Lord, we just thank you for the day, for the opportunity,

as we look into this very important dynamic of relationship,

especially the relationship between a husband and a wife,

and a wife towards a husband.

And Lord, just the critical thing of just being on the same page together.

Lord, the same page with you, and the very essential elements attached to it.

And Lord, we pray just have your hand upon the things said and done here today,

Lord, that might glorify you, that your people be encouraged,

but Lord, that it might not just be information,

but it be things that will be applicable and helpful as we work through them.

Lord, knowing that these are not things that you make a one-time decision about,

but Lord, these are an ongoing thing of making decisions,

even sometimes daily, of this is the direction and the context in which we are going to operate.

And Lord, we pray just have your hand upon each one here today,

and Lord, we ask it all in your precious name.

Amen.

As we begin looking at this series, Married But Not Best Friends,

we've looked at the first one, and that was companionship.

Companionship of having time together.

Time is the one resource you cannot replace.

We always need to keep that in mind,

that time is the one resource you can never replace.

You can replace everything else in some means or another,

but time is not one.

And so time together is important.

To have a proper relationship, there has to be time.

There has to be time together in that.

There needs to be conversation.

Conversation.

And that goes beyond.

It's amazing how many people can say words but not have a conversation.

You can have noise without conversation.

Conversation is important, and that's talking together.

Talking together.

Not just talking about things, but talking together.

Understanding that.

And then we have this idea of commitment.

And we began looking at that last week, this idea of commitment,

and that's trying together.

That's putting in effort to be together.

That's investing in those things.

Those involve time and talking.

But there also has to be a commitment to trying.

To say we have made a commitment,

and we're going to move forward with that commitment.

Our friendship, to continue to grow,

there must be a mutual respect one for another.

We began talking about that last week,

of that mutual respect.

And we understand, because mutual respect goes for any friendship.

You know, you cannot, when you're friends with somebody,

there's a mutual respect that takes place.

Especially in a marriage relationship,

there has to be a mutual respect one for another.

If that respect is not present,

there's going to be a problem.

Because respect is what keeps the mindset for these other things

in the right order and in the right priority.

To understand that respect one for another.

And so we began looking last week at six areas of commitment

that will help build mutual respect.

We talked about a commitment to sacrifice.

That commitment to sacrifice.

If you're making a commitment to somebody,

it means you're decommitting from something else.

Because when you do a priority,

one thing means you're deprioritizing something else.

Because let's face it,

we all have things that need to be done,

or things that we have responsibilities,

or other things that are associated.

We need to understand a commitment to sacrifice.

Sacrifice to say,

this is what's important to invest in.

This is what's important to do.

That's essential of that building respect,

because the other thing sacrifice for somebody else does,

it says one big message to them,

it says you are important.

And in a marriage relationship,

the other person,

the person you're married to,

wives to your husbands,

husbands to your wives,

they both need to know that you hold a position of priority.

There's a priority there.

A commitment to closeness follows right along with that.

That commitment to closeness,

to say,

I want to be where I can know you,

to hang out with you,

we want to spend time together.

There's that closeness,

but also a commitment to honesty.

You know,

a marriage can't be built on falsehoods.

One of the problems you'll find in marriages,

especially with young people,

as they get started out,

they,

well,

we can solve this later.

I want you to understand,

if you're not honest about it,

you'll never solve it later.

Oftentimes,

people enter in,

if I let them know that,

they won't like me.

Well,

if that's the case,

you don't have too much of a friendship,

and you don't have too much of a relationship.

Because somebody that loves you,

understands that you're not perfect.

You understand they're not perfect,

and part of that commitment is saying,

that part,

of who they are,

I'm going to help them work through those things,

just as they're going to help me work through mine.

In other words,

it's not being ignorant to,

but being fully aware of.

That honesty,

and we're going to see this dynamic here play out,

and the next area of importance.

Let's take a look over to the New Testament.

Turn to 1 Peter chapter 3.

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

1 Peter chapter 3.

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

Look here in 1 Peter chapter 3.

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

Look down at verse 7.

It says,

Likewise,

ye husbands,

dwell with them according to knowledge,

being honor unto the wife,

as unto the weaker vessel,

and being heirs together,

of the grace of life,

that your prayers be not hindered.

I want you to understand,

prayer is an important part of our life.

But I want you to understand here,

when it talks about the idea of your relationship with your wife,

impacts your prayers.

Prayers one for another,

prayers together,

it impacts what's happening.

And so I want you to understand here,

because oftentimes as people look at this,

and they read this passage especially,

now notice here it says,

under the weaker vessel.

I'm going to just touch on that for a moment,

because this is important.

Weaker does not mean inferior.

That's not the meaning of that term.

I want you to understand what it does mean.

It generally means more delicate.

It means,

it does not mean less valuable.

It's kind of like the old joke,

what's the difference between a vase and a vase?

One is common,

and the other has great value,

and it's usually pretty,

it has some great value to it,

and very delicate sometimes.

And we understand the same as the dynamic.

It doesn't put its value difference,

but it is more fragile.

It's kind of like the difference between silk and denim.

Both have a purpose,

both have a place,

both have value,

but if you're going to go work,

silk is not the recommended attire.

Why?

Because it's not going to hold up.

It's more delicate.

It doesn't mean it's less valuable.

It means it's different,

with a different purpose,

and a different dynamic.

And to understand the importance of that,

that your prayers be not hindered.

Peter here just assumes the reality of prayer

in a couple's relationship,

but sadly,

it's not the case.

We understand that prayer brings a spiritual bond,

and it's important to do that,

because praying together as well as separately

for our children and our grandchildren,

because the temptation today is great for them,

and they need our support.

We need to pray for our kids,

and understand the importance of prayer.

One illustration put it this way.

It said,

trying to raise kids today without prayer

is like trying to cut down a tree

with a chainsaw that's not running.

I'm like,

well, that's pretty illustrative there.

The fruitful nature of it,

of this dynamic.

Because when we understand the importance of prayer,

can do more in a moment

than we can do in a lifetime.

I'm not saying it's not important

to work with your kids,

and to spend time with them,

but we need to also pray for them,

because prayer is part of that building,

that house.

Look over at Psalm 127.

Psalm 127 in verse 1

tells us this.

Psalm 127 in verse 1 says,

except the Lord build the house,

they labor in vain that build it.

Except the Lord keep the city,

the watchman waketh but in vain.

I want you to understand,

the Lord needs to be that critical connection

that's in there,

that binds together.

You need to be praying over things,

and just not running headlong into things.

We need to understand that

when it comes to making decisions

in a relationship,

we need to make sure that

we're not doing it without,

one, consulting your spouse,

but also without consulting the Lord.

To understand the importance

of those two together.

To understand the importance,

a commitment to prayer.

We need to also look here

at a commitment to a good spirit.

A commitment to a good spirit.

Look over at Job 32 for a moment.

Job 32.

Job 32 in verse 3.

Who's got that one this morning?

We'll get some people woke up

and ready to go.

Joe, you got that one?

He's practicing for the next sword drill

back there.

Job 32 verse 3.

Job 32:3

Okay.

A good spirit.

His friends.

What did Job's friends do?

They came and what?

Condemned Job.

They say,

all this calamity came on you

because you must be guilty.

They were condemning him

and were hostile towards the one

that was supposed to be their friend.

They just knew he must have done

something wrong.

When it comes to a marriage relationship,

we need the right spirit

one towards another.

And one of the elements of that spirit

is to not always look for fault

in the other person.

Sometimes that's the biggest issue

is we're more worried about

what's wrong with them

than the things,

the reason that we married them.

The things we like about them.

The things that you appreciate.

The things that make a difference.

Because when it comes to relationships,

some people reside in the camp

of finding fault.

They have their fault vault.

They keep securing any fault

they can find to use it later.

They create a vault of fault

to the other person.

Over the years,

as I've done counseling

and talked to different people,

it's amazing how many come in

and the first thing that they'll do

is they'll just open up

this vault of complaint.

But sometimes what they need to do

is stop and say,

what have I invested

in paying attention

to the right things?

The things that are valuable

instead of just looking for the fault.

They play the blame game.

These were Job's friends.

They were blaming Job

for all that was happening.

And we realize that

when you read through the book of Job,

Job did nothing wrong necessarily.

I mean, Job was a man.

He wasn't perfect.

But the things he was going through

was not directly tied

to ramification of his choices.

Job was trying to do that

which is right,

but his friends show up

and say,

you're at fault, Job.

They're pointing fingers.

This idea of finding fault

and especially in relationships,

if your job is,

to your spouse,

is just finding fault in them,

there's always going to be a problem.

Because let me give you

a little eye-opener.

The person you married to

is not perfect.

Now let me give the shocker.

The person they married

is not perfect.

It doesn't take very long

being married to realize that.

You enter in,

oh, this is going to be bliss.

Then you find out they're people.

But those are things

you have to look and understand.

How do you work through those things?

You know,

I want to understand

if you're going to be

a friend to your spouse,

they don't turn against you.

They stick with you

even sometimes when you're wrong.

Because people are turned

against us at times

and we should always

have our best friend at home

that's always on our team,

on our side,

keeps a good positive spirit,

working together,

trying to resolve the problems.

One of the problems

that come though

oftentimes in a relationship

instead of being

the one on the team with them,

it's the one they take shots at.

Somebody else shot at them

so they go home

and take shots at their spouse.

It's not going to build

a positive relationship.

And to understand

the importance of this,

we've talked in this series

a lot about men,

but today we're going to talk

a little bit about ladies

and responsibilities

because there are

a lot of responsibilities.

Because ladies,

if you haven't noticed,

men do sometimes

have a little bit of ego to them.

And men thrive with admiration.

To be admired.

Men thrive for their woman's admiration.

Women need attention.

Men need admiration.

Women need love.

Men need respect.

Women want leadership

and men want a following.

If you ask,

how do you show your man admiration?

Very simply this,

by how you treat them.

Now we're not talking about

bowing down

and kissing their feet.

Now that might go a long way,

but not,

they might feel good about it,

but it's not going to be very lasting.

Striking chords with that one,

aren't we?

Yeah.

In other words,

they might find out

about the fun guy.

Yeah.

We better move on

before I get in trouble

with that one.

But instead of admiring their man,

oftentimes women instead

make their man feel inferior.

Put him in a conveniently low place

where she likes to keep him.

They do it to the very detriment

of their own relationship.

To understand that

a critical spirit

makes him feel like

he can't do anything right,

that affects a guy's courage

and his confidence

as she makes him feel,

instead of like a man,

to feel like a beat down little boy.

Some ladies think this

will be motivational,

but I want you to understand

a critical spirit

does the opposite

of what you're desiring.

A critical spirit, ladies,

will make a guy draw back more

and be less.

Where if you're encouraging,

it'll make him feel important

and you'll get the progress

in the right direction.

Now that seems contrary

to our human nature,

doesn't it?

Because our human nature says

if I beat him long enough,

they'll change.

But I want you to understand

by building up

and building that confidence

and building and encouraging,

you're going to see praise

that's going to be beneficial.

Because ladies,

your husband needs

your praise and admiration.

I want you to understand

when your husband's out and about,

there's plenty of people

trying to beat him down.

The last thing they need

is to come home

and get beat up there too.

You're not going to help

your relationship

by beating him up

when he shows up.

That verbal tearing down.

He needs to know

that there's no one else

in the world,

if there's no one else

in the world

rooting for him

and on his team,

you are.

As a wife,

you need to be

on your husband's team.

You need to be part,

you need to be behind

things that are going on.

I want you to understand,

and this is even more

critical today,

I think,

because of the lack

of fathers in the home.

Because guys who are raised

by strong fathers,

this impacts less

than those who were raised

without fathers

or fathers that beat them down.

Because oftentimes,

men can become very fragile

in their self-image

because of how others

have treated them throughout.

They never measure up.

One of the things

as a wife

to help your husband

is to be on his team.

To be there

to encourage

and to strengthen.

You'll accomplish more

change in your man

by praising them

by criticizing and nagging.

It's amazing

how often you hear a guy

have an affair

with somebody

who's far less attractive

than his wife,

and you say,

how could that be?

Well, a lot of times

it's because that other woman

praises him.

You might say,

well, that's shallow.

No, that's reality.

As a wife,

you need to pay attention

to how you honor

and respect

and to build up

your husband.

If you want to,

you'll want to dramatically

reduce the likelihood

of your husband

having an affair,

you be the one

that praises him.

Now, let's look for a moment.

Go over to the book

of Proverbs for a moment

because this is exactly

what God warns about.

Let's get a couple

of volunteers here.

I need Proverbs chapter 2

Proverbs 2 · chapter mention

and verse 16.

You got that one, Lou?

How about Proverbs 5,

3 through 5?

Who's got that one?

5, 3 through 5.

You got that one, Matt?

You got that one for me?

Proverbs 7, 21.

Can you grab that one, Lance?

And then,

while you're there,

you can get

Proverbs 7, 4, too,

since you're in the chapter,

if you would.

The Bible perspective

puts it this way.

The Bible talks about

a strange woman.

Now, a strange woman here

is not just somebody

that's weird or different.

The strange woman

is the one that's estranged

from the guy

who's married

that's not his wife.

Notice what the Bible

says here,

Proverbs 2, 16.

Ah, the woman who does what?

Flatters with her words.

Now, we talked a little bit

about flattery this morning

and the dangers of it,

but while flattery is dangerous,

sometimes it catches us,

and you have to be careful.

How about,

when we understand

flattereth her with her words,

I want you to understand

it's not so much

about the actions

as much as her words.

She tells him how funny he is,

how strong, how smart.

Those are things that

they want to hear,

and if he hears it

from somebody else,

what's going to happen?

That's going to be the one

that gets the attention.

One of the best things

you can do

is to guard against that

is by building up

your husband.

Proverbs 5, 3-5.

Can you read that one?

All right.

Think about that.

For the lips of a strange woman

drop as a honeycomb.

Her mouth is smoother than oil.

Flattery is the tool

that opens the door.

If you want to protect

your husband from flattery

from some other woman,

make sure that you're

on his side.

Make sure that you're

encouraging and you're

telling.

What's Proverbs chapter 7?

Proverbs 7 · chapter mention

What's verse 21 say, Lance?

Proverbs 7.1.

With her much-cared feet,

she talks into you.

With the flat on her lips,

she forced him.

Okay.

Consider the reality there.

What's the dynamic?

Was it a physical thing

that made the big difference?

What made the difference there?

What?

The words, the speech,

a critical thing.

And what does Proverbs 7.4 say?

Proverbs 7.4.

Say unto you,

bow off my sister,

and call on her standing

like him for you.

Okay.

We need wisdom.

Say unto wisdom.

Why do we need wisdom?

To keep us from the strange woman.

Now, guys,

I want you to understand

what I'm not saying.

Just because some woman

flatters you

and your wife isn't,

it doesn't give you an excuse.

That's not what the preacher's saying.

What the preacher is saying,

be careful of it.

Guys, we need to be careful.

Wives, you need to be careful.

Because if you're always critical

at home about everything,

what, there's going to be

some lady come by

that won't be critical

and get attention.

And get attention.

We need to understand

the importance of that.

If you want to keep him at home

and keep the fire burning,

build him up.

You're there.

The Bible says,

as his spouse,

you are his helpmate.

Part of being that helpmate

is being on his team.

Being there.

To understand,

because every man

wants somebody

to be somebody's hero.

He might as well be yours

or he'll be somebody else's.

I want you to understand

the importance

because we're going to talk here

a little bit about

three ways to never change

your husband.

Most wives look at their husband

and say,

well, I wish there were

some things I could change.

There's always something they do

that is just kind of,

sometimes gets irritating.

Just maybe it's always

getting a new cup

out of the cabinet

to get a drink of water.

I mean, there's little things

throughout.

Maybe it's where the socks end up

or you have all the things.

It's funny because

as we're just,

I'm talking to one of the young couples

just got married this summer

and the thing was,

you didn't cover about

arguments over blankets.

I mean, it's ironic though,

but it is true.

I mean, there's things

that when you begin

as a married couple

living together,

there's some transition

and things you find out

about somebody

that you didn't know.

there was no way

to know beforehand.

But I want you to understand

there's three things

you need to be careful of

that are never going to work.

There's three items

you can do

that I guarantee you

will fail

and do the opposite effect

of what you want to do.

The first one is nagging.

Nagging,

it usually makes it worse,

not better.

Number two is criticizing,

especially

in front of others.

You should never

tear down your spouse

in front of others.

If you want to hurt

your relationship,

that's a number one way

to create a problem,

to tear down your spouse

in front of others.

Ladies, if you tear down

your husband

in front of others,

you're doing

a double destruction.

You're not going to

get the end results

because it erodes confidence.

Criticism makes men

defensive

in their actions

and in their responses,

especially in public.

You say,

well, maybe they shouldn't be.

No, I want you to understand

that's the way God made us

and there's some attributes

from that

that help accomplish

other things

like anything else.

Our attributes

always have to be kept

in a godly order

and a godly check.

We need to understand

God wants us

to use those things

for the right reasons.

The reality is this,

you'll catch more flies

with honey.

Nagging,

criticizing,

and then we haven't done

the next one yet.

We're just getting ready

to get into that.

The next one is

physical punishment.

That's how we'll phrase it.

Now, I want you to understand

this is not smacking them

with your fist

or a rolling pin.

I want you to understand

this here is by withholding

marital relationship

using sex as a tool

or a weapon.

This is a common philosophy

that does nothing

but destroy a marriage.

Take a look over

into 1 Corinthians 7.

1 Corinthians 7.

Look down at verse 3.

Look here at verse 3.

It says,

Let the husband render

unto the wife

due benevolence

and likewise also

the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power

of her own body

but the husband

and likewise also

the husband hath not power

of his own body

but the wife.

Defraud ye not one another

except it be with consent

for a time

that you may give yourselves

to fasting and prayer

and come together again

that Satan tempt you

not for your inconstancy.

I want you to understand

the reality of the marital relationship

is part of your relationship

of being married.

If that ceases

because somebody's using it

as a weapon or a tool

it's going to have

an opposite impact

of what you want.

It's not going to be

as effective

of what you think it may be

because the reality is

is you're inviting an affair.

Because consider

usually along with this

is the same thing

we talked about earlier

is criticizing,

tearing down,

that nagging,

that dynamics

that take place

that tear down the husband

instead of build him up.

And you think about

how much more susceptible

is that relationship

if there's other problems

at home.

All he does

is get tore down.

His wife rejects him.

And some woman

comes along

and begins to flatter

in what directions

is going to happen.

You're opening a door

that you don't want to open.

I want you to understand

the importance.

That's the reason

the Bible talks

very expressly about this

because you do not

belong to yourself.

When you get married

you belong to one another.

And we don't have time

to get into all the details

of that in this forum.

But I want you to understand

the importance of that.

Because if you don't

you're inviting an affair.

Because a husband

will respond

with these three weapons

are very simply put out

because men are going to

do one of three things

in response to this.

The nagging,

the criticizing,

using physical punishment.

Men are going to respond

to these three weapons

you're trying to use

against them

this way.

Some will clam up

and not want to be around you

so they'll look for things

to do away from home

all the time.

That's a reality.

I know guys

that intentionally

stay away from home.

I want you to understand

as a married couple

you guys ought to desire

to be together.

It ought not to be

what can I excuse

to be away

what things aren't

as important

as being there.

Now I'm not saying

that there's not things

you do a part

or do.

I want you to see

the big picture here.

It's intentionally saying

oh there's extra overtime.

I don't really need the money

but I'm going to stay at work

that way

we don't have much time

at home together.

She can't beat on me

if I'm not there.

Some will blow up

sometimes violently

to let off steam

that is built up.

They'll either clam up

they'll blow up

and some will just give up.

Sometimes it's just

it becomes the point

of it's just not worth it.

When you understand

that's

these are dynamics

that take place

in marriages today.

These are elements

that are working

in our current marriages.

These are things

that are working

in those

who are looking

to be married.

These are things

you need to understand

before you enter in

of the critical nature

of being friends

and the dynamics of it.

So let me put

some positive on this.

what can you ladies

continue to do

that are going to help?

One is pray for him.

Don't take it all

into your own hands.

Realize that God

can do more for him

in a moment

than you could do

in your lifetime.

The reality is

is to praise him.

Look over to

1 Peter chapter 3

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

for a moment.

1 Peter chapter 3

1 Peter 3 · chapter mention

look down here

in verse 1

it says

likewise

you wives

be in subjection

to your own husbands

that if any

obey not the word

that they may

without the word

be won by the

conversation

of their wives

that's not just words

that's the way

they live

that word conversation

there involves

more than

just words

it's action

while they hold

their chaste

conversation

coupled with fear

whose adorning

let it not be

that outward adorning

of the plating

of the hair

and wearing of gold

or putting on

of apparel

but let it be

the hidden

man of the heart

in which is

not corruptible

even the ornament

of a meek

and quiet spirit

which is in the sight

of God

of great price.

I want you to

understand

prayer and a good

spirit

but also

the sixth thing

we find here

is a commitment

to unconditional love.

When people get

married

you need to be

understanding

what you're

entering into.

You're saying

on that day

you get married

that it's

an unconditional

love.

I'm making

a commitment

to you

no matter

what.

That's not

to be entered

into lightly

because you need

to understand

the ramifications

of what you're

saying

because life

is not going

to be easy

but I want

you to understand

having an attitude

and an understanding

saying I'm

entering into

this on a

long term

permanent basis

from the very

get go.

and to act

accordingly.

I can't just

trade it off

and this is not

a test drive.

People try to

test drive

marriage today

and when they're

test driving

they actually

destroy the

very foundation

that they need

to build.

Instead of doing

what the world

says

well see if

you're compatible

I want you

to understand

your conversation

all the things

prior to

is how you

find out

whether you're

compatible

and how you

think

how you process

how everything

comes together

are you in

agreement

on these

things

are you

moving the

same direction

on these

things

because if

you're not

doing those

things

the rest of

it's never

going to

come together.

I want you

to understand

it's not

love that

sustains

your commitment

it's commitment

that sustains

your love.

An unconditional

love says

I have chosen

to love you

and there's

nothing you're

going to do

that's going

to change it.

That unconditional

love

love is

a feeling.

Love is not

an emotion

in that context

when it comes

to marriage.

Love is a

commitment.

Love is a

promise.

It's something

that's a mental

astute and a

choice that's

attached to it

to say I

have chosen

you.

If you don't

enter into

marriage saying

I have chosen

this person

no matter

what

I'm going

to invest

everything

into it

there'll be

a problem

because I

want you

to understand

if you

come in

with an

understanding

of an

unconditional

love

commitment

the emotion

will still

be attached

to it

but you

can have

the emotion

will come

and go

if there's

not

commitment

there has

to be a

commitment

to it

these are

essential

things

when it

comes to

being married

and being

best friends

together

and I hope

maybe this

has helped

some

these are

things that

are essential

and critical

to relationships

put them

into practice

you're not

testing what

the preacher

says

you're testing

what God

says

how can

you say

that

I can rest

assured

if you put

into practice

what God

says

it's going

to turn

out

and turn

in a

direction

that it

ought to

because you

have to do

your part

in that

and so

hopefully this

series in the

last few weeks

have been helpful

and beneficial

maybe even to

yourself or to

others

because we all

have people that

we see that are

dealing with these

things or we're

dealing with them

ourselves

or we have

people that are

young people that

look to get

married

these are things

you need to

enter into

with your eyes

open

and understand

the realities

and what it

takes to be

married for

40 or 50

years

to celebrate

things together

to go through

the good times

the bad times

the rough times

the smooth times

all those things

are going to

happen

marriage is not

a straight line

it's sometimes

a bumpy road

with great things

along the way

but it's worth it

it's worth

the investment

to be best

friends

with your spouse

let's pray

heavenly fathers

as we come

before you

this morning

lord

we're just

thankful for

you