Battle Ready: Don’t Make Them Bitter Ephesians 6:4 Pastor Daniel Reese

If you have your Bibles Ephesians chapter 6, after today,

Ephesians 6 · chapter mention

here in just a little while, we can officially say that we went through every verse of Ephesians.

That's something that we should be proud of, right? I saved this verse because I knew the

timeline of how we broke it down would fall on Father's Day and since it has to do with parenting,

I figured why not? Before we go any further this morning, let me offer you a few words of encouragement.

My purpose this morning is not to make those of us who are parents feel guilty.

I think most of us carry around enough guilt because of the times that we have fallen short as parents.

There really aren't many examples of successful fathers in the Bible, believe it or not.

And even if we do a pretty good job as parents, there's no guarantee that our kids will not go astray.

To prove that, all we have to do is go back to the very first parents in the Bible, Adam and Eve.

Although they were sinful just like us, they had a lot of advantages as parents that none of us have ever had.

They certainly didn't have the culture that we're fighting against. They were the culture. That was it, right?

And in spite of their sin, they still knew God and they still had experienced intimate relationship with Him.

There is every reason to believe that they had raised their children to follow and honor God,

and yet their firstborn son became a murderer.

But the Bible makes it clear that was not the parents' fault. He did it because of His own evil heart.

So that's where our starting point is this morning. Our passage this morning is one verse.

If you just sit forward, I encourage you to stand as we read it. I'm going to read it in context, so we'll read the first four verses together.

None of the youth are here. Well, I guess some are, but we didn't plan on it, so I'm just going to read it today.

Starting in verse one, children, obey your parents and the Lord, for this is right.

Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.

Here's our verse. Here it goes. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Let's pray. Father, as we look at this text, not just as fathers, but as parents, as Christ's followers, I pray that your spirit will just move in this place.

Help us see your heart in this. We ask all these things in your name. Amen. Amen, amen.

Now, ultimately, no matter how well we do as parents, our children bear the ultimate responsibility for their own actions.

So there's no guarantee that even if we don't anger them and even if we bring them up in training and instruction of the Lord,

they will live the kinds of lives before God that we hope and pray for. There's no guarantees in that.

On the other hand, there are some principles that we can apply that will provide a much higher likelihood that our children will become Christ's followers

who will live a life that is pleasing to him and bring joy to us.

Unfortunately, in our culture, we have many generations who have grown up without the kind of godly role models that Paul envisions in this letter.

But we have a responsibility as part of the body of Christ to do our part to end that downward spiral and raise up a generation of fathers of men

who can become the kinds of role models that will begin to provide a legacy of godly fathering that can be passed on from generation to generation.

So it's all up to us to understand these principles and do what we can to help the parents in our body to apply these principles to their families.

You'll notice that just as Paul does in this verse, I've addressed much of what I said so far to fathers, right?

But obviously, the responsibility of raising godly children is a team effort. It involves both parents. It involves the church.

The word that is translated fathers here in verse 4 is used in other places in the New Testament, and when it's used in other places in the New Testament, it refers to both parents.

For instance, Hebrews 11-23, the same word is translated parents when speaking of how Moses was hidden by his parents at birth.

However, in the context of Ephesians 6, Paul has already used the common word for parents back in verse 1 and could have used it again here,

had he intended to address both fathers and mothers.

But on the other hand, other Bible passages, especially many in Proverbs, make it clear that both parents are responsible for developing, disciplining and teaching their children.

Now, I think Paul addresses the fathers in particular here for a couple reasons.

We've already seen that at the end of chapter 5, a few months ago, that God has established the man as the head of the household.

That is true in his relationship with his wife, his spouse, and it holds true to his relationship with his children.

So even though both parents have an essential role in raising up children, there is a sense in which the father bears the overall responsibility for that process.

The other reason Paul writes to fathers is that we have a tendency to abandon our responsibilities in training and teaching our children

and to expect our wives to handle those types of responsibilities.

So Paul wants to make sure that the fathers understand, that you and I understand, that this is not a responsibility that we can just pass off onto our wives.

This verse is another one of those that seems simple on the surface, and it is so profound and so difficult to apply and put in practice.

Now, Paul gives the readers two commands here, one negative and one positive.

So this morning we're going to spend our time discovering a few methods that can lead our children to anger.

Although Paul directs this command directly to fathers, and as we've seen indirectly to mothers as well,

I think that much of that all of us can learn here can be applied to all of our relationships.

As we develop some principles that will allow us to avoid exasperating our children, we will find that those same principles can be applied at home.

It can be applied in the workplace, in the community, and even within this body of the church.

Now, I've seen a lot of people who have taken this verse over the years, and they use it as a reason to never make their kids angry.

So in turn they give their children whatever they want, so their kids do not become angry.

And what ends up happening is the children ends up running the household.

So right out of the gate, I want you to hear this verse is not saying, don't ever anger your children.

The same word that Paul uses here in Ephesians is the same word he uses in Colossians when he writes,

fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

The verse from Colossians gives us some additional insight into why parents must guard against exasperating or angering or embittering their children.

Because those actions discourage their children.

They break the spirit of the child, and the end result is that the most powerful motive of obedience, which is to please, is taken from our children.

In much the same way that honoring our parents involves two separate, but essentially equal elements,

right attitude and right behavior if you're here for that sermon, exasperating our children's stems from two related sources.

The first being a wrong spirit.

It is quite easy to disciple our children to become godless tyrants.

That's easy.

That's a piece of cake.

We can do that all day long.

That that was certainly true in Paul's culture.

That the Gentile believers were strongly influenced by the Roman law.

And that Roman law was called patria potesis.

It literally meant the father's power.

This particular law allowed the father to have absolute power over his family.

He could sell them all as slaves as he wanted to.

He could make them work in the fields and chains.

And he could even take the law into his own hands and punish any member of his family as severely as he wanted,

even to the point of inflicting the death penalty.

And he had that power as long as he lived.

Can you imagine that?

As long as he lived.

The Jewish culture of the time wasn't much different.

Jewish fathers also ruled their families in a very rigid,

endominary manner with little concern for the welfare of his wife and children.

Where we moved from, there was a heavy Mennonite population.

Most of them are great workers, but there are so many broken families in that culture.

For a lot of them, they'll take their kids out of school at third grade,

and they'll put them to work right away.

So you will see 10-year-olds driving these massive tractors down the highway.

Because that's what's expected of them.

One conversation I had with one Mennonite one day was basically,

we have children so that we can lighten our load and so that they can then provide for our family.

And I was around them a lot, and I'm going to tell you, there's not a lot of life in that.

In fact, there's a lot of bitterness that comes from that.

If you view your children as a reflection of you, that's the wrong spirit.

If you are raising your children to be the athlete that you never were, that's the wrong spirit.

We need to raise our children with the understanding that they are accepted because they are ours.

Because they're our children.

Because God gave them to us.

Not that they are accepted because they behave a certain way.

Or they contribute a certain amount.

Or they achieve these really great things.

We need to have the right spirit.

Next, we can cause our children to grow bitter and angry if we use the wrong methods.

And that can look a variety of different ways.

We'll look at a few real quick.

The first one being no standards.

No standards.

Although our children may complain about not having enough freedom,

a lack of standards actually makes our children feel unsecure and unloved.

I'll use Pastor Stephens' example. Don't tell him I'm using it.

Because it's a great illustration.

When we were teaching our kids to swim, they'd be standing on the edge of the pool.

And we'd be telling them to jump into the water.

Right?

And so I'm sitting there standing in the water about waist deep.

And I'm telling my children, jump to me.

Jump to me.

And they did.

They would jump to me.

They knew that I would catch them.

And we'd do that several times so they felt more comfortable till they were doing it faster.

And then I would say, okay, I want you to jump in the water,

but I'm not going to catch you this time.

And when you get in the water, I want you to swim to the edge.

About one to two feet away.

I want you to swim to the edge.

And so they'd jump into the water and I'd kind of turn them around and then they would swim to the edge.

They knew where the boundaries were.

Now, we wouldn't use those methods in the middle of the lake.

We wouldn't use those methods in the middle of the ocean.

That would cause panic.

There were some dangers there that we can't see that's underneath the water.

It would have been reckless for us to drop them in the water without any boundaries.

More freedom for a child is not always the best thing.

In his book, Christian Child Rearing and Personality Development,

Dr. Paul Meyer described five keys to write parent-child relationships.

One of those five keys was consistency.

And Dr. Meyer made this observation.

Both parents should stick together using the same rules and consistently enforcing those rules

so that what a child gets away with on some occasions

is not the cause for what he has punished another time.

So if we want to avoid,

exasperating our children, both parents need to establish appropriate standards

that can be consistently applied.

Another method that could anger your children is no trust.

This generally results when we go to the other extreme

and we set up a bunch of arbitrary, overly strict rules that we enforce with an iron fist.

We have a responsibility to do that.

We have a responsibility to protect our children appropriately.

But when we carry out that duty too far,

it communicates a lack of trust.

A familiar verse gives us some help here.

Proverbs 22,

Train a child in the way he should go,

and when he is old, he will not turn from it.

Our ultimate goal as parents is to prepare our children to face the world as adults someday.

And when we fail to give them appropriate liberty as they get older,

we are really communicating to them that we don't trust them,

and that in turn is going to anger our children.

So again, we need to put up boundaries.

They need to know where the boundaries are,

but once we do that, we trust them in those boundaries.

And as they get older and as they become closer to adulthood,

those boundaries begin to widen.

We need to trust our children.

The third method of angering our children is not listening.

Not listening.

When we fail to listen to our children,

they become convinced that they are not very important to us.

And then we begin to wonder why they withdraw,

and why they give up trying to communicate with us.

We need to practice these words that are written in James.

My dear brothers, take note of this.

Everybody should be quick to listen and slow to speak.

Now, I'm sure we all know someone that we've had a conversation with

that has checked out when we try and talk with them.

Like, you can see their mind moving.

You can see their eyes are all over the place,

and then they begin to respond with one word answers.

We know people like that, right?

After a few times, you stop wanting to talk to that person

because they've made you feel that you're not important to them.

And so why waste your breath on somebody that doesn't care what you have to say?

Because they don't care what you have to say.

Why would we believe that children are any different?

When we are consumed with our phones,

when we turn up the TV louder so we don't have to hear them,

or we fail to look them in the eyes when they're talking to us,

we are communicating to them that what they have to say is unimportant.

So when they have something important to say,

they don't want to say it to us as parents.

They'd rather say it to somebody that has shown them

that they value what they want to communicate.

And believe me, I know this is hard,

especially when our kids are certain ages and they talk nonstop

and we just need some peace and quiet.

My wife does a much better job at this than I do.

When she needs some space, and we all need space from time to time, right?

When she needs some space, she will communicate to our children,

hey, I need some space.

I'm going to go to my room, I'm going to spend a few minutes in quiet,

I'm going to collect my thoughts.

I really want to know what you have to say,

but I'm going to need to take some time so that I can give you my full attention.

What a great line, isn't that?

I care what you have to say,

but I need to go get my mind right so I can give you my full attention.

And here's what we've learned, especially when they were younger.

They usually forget what they want to say.

Right?

But we've still communicated to them that we value what they have to say.

Finally, the last method of angering our children is hypocrisy.

Hypocrisy.

In families, in healthy families, the parents don't expect the children to live up to certain standards they themselves don't keep.

Parents should expect their children to live up to the standards that they themselves observe.

Our children are looking at us to be the kinds of role models that they can follow.

I'm reminded of a woman who invited some people over to dinner.

At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and she said,

Honey, would you like to say the blessing?

Well, I don't know what I would say, the girl replied.

Well, just say what I would say, the mom told her.

The little girl bowed her head and said,

Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite these people to dinner?

I'm convinced that our children can spot hypocrisy a lot better than any one of us.

That doesn't mean, however, that we can't honestly admit our mistakes and explain to our children that we were wrong and that we would not choose to do it that way if we could go back.

Healthy families don't live with the mantra, do as I say, not as I do.

That creates confusion, creates bitterness.

If we are telling our kids to be nice to others but they don't see us do that, that's hypocrisy.

If we're telling our kids to work hard but we don't do that, that is hypocrisy.

If we are telling our children to walk with Jesus but they don't see any evidence of that at home, they are not going to follow Jesus.

But if you notice this verse, there's two commands.

So we don't want to anger our children by the methods that we just went over.

Instead, we want to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Paul contrasts the idea of angering our children with bringing them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord.

In fact, that word of contrast seems to indicate that training and instructing our children and the Lord is the primary way that we avoid angering them.

That certainly would be consistent with our discussion on how a lack of consistent standards is one of the primary ways that we exasperate our children.

As parents, if we want to train our children up in the Lord, it has to start with our own personal relationship with Him.

All the training and instruction that we give to our children is to be done in the framework of our relationship with Jesus.

Moses helps us when he writes in Deuteronomy 6.

He says, in these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.

You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way.

And when you lie down and when you rise, you shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.

You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Moses is addressing the parents primarily to the fathers and he very clearly makes the point that the first step in passing the baton of faith to our children is that,

is the first issue we must deal with our own relationship.

The issue with our relationship with God has to be settled in our lives if we want to pass on our faith.

There is no way that fathers can bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord unless they first have a vibrant growing relationship with Him.

God must be, it comes from saturating our lives with His Word.

It comes from spending time with Him in prayer.

It comes from coming and worshiping Him in this place.

We have nothing left to pass on to future generations that have any sort of value if we as fathers don't have a vibrant relationship with the Lord.

We also need to have a long term view of the process.

The word that Paul uses here in verse 4, that means to nourish up to maturity.

It's the same word he uses in Ephesians 5-29 where he describes how husbands are to care for their wives in the same way they care for their own bodies.

The word itself as well as the fact that it's a present tense command makes it clear that this is a long term process.

It's very similar to the way that we nourish and care for our physical bodies.

I can't eat just one big meal and then never eat again.

I have to continue to feed my body day after day for my entire life.

Or if I want to get in shape, I don't just go exercise once.

I have to have a consistent schedule of exercise in order to maintain and improve my physical condition.

So we need to take a long term view of this process.

The Jews certainly understood that Moses' instructions in Deuteronomy was to be a lifelong process, not just a flash in the pan.

The process of training and instructing our children is much more like a marathon than it is a hundred yard dash.

If we don't have that mindset in mind from the beginning, we're going to wear ourselves out at the start

and we're never going to make it to the finish line.

The Jews were very successful at making religious training an integral part of life and not just an add-on.

Their approach as we see from this passage in Deuteronomy was to make religious training life-oriented rather than information-oriented.

Their philosophy was if you want your children to follow God, then you must make God a part of your everyday experiences

from the time you rise up in the morning until you lay your head down to sleep at night.

Their approach was exactly the opposite of the compartmentalized approach that we often employ today

where we separate our lives into the spiritual and the secular.

Instead, we need to understand and then help our children see that everything in life is connected to God in some way.

Everything in life is connected to God in some way. Jesus was a master at this.

He was constantly drawing lessons from the things and the people around him.

He walked through a vineyard and he explained how he was divine and how his followers were the branches.

He walked through a field and explains that a man reaps what he sows.

He used examples of sheep and pigs and wolves to illustrate truth.

Jesus helped his followers to see that everything around them could be used to learn something about God.

As parents, we are passing our baton of faith onto our children.

I know I don t look like it, but I know very little about track.

When I was growing up in school, we had PE, and we would pretty often have track.

What I learned about track is you could have a relay team with the fastest runners and still lose the race.

That team, they relied on their own ability to win instead of the team.

Because when it came time for the handoff of the baton to the next runner, they were never in sync and they often dropped it.

But the teams that were in sync, even though they weren t the fastest, they usually won the race.

They would know how to time the handoff. They would communicate with each other.

They would get in step with the runner that was behind them.

They would have the seamless exchange of the baton.

Just as the winner of a relay race often depends much more on the baton exchanges than how fast the individual runners are.

Our success as parents is usually determined not by how smart we are, not by how spiritual we are,

but rather how effective are we at applying these principles in order to pass on the baton of faith to the next generation.

That obviously must begin with my own relationship with Jesus.

The key there is understanding that I haven t arrived. I haven t arrived on my spiritual journey,

but rather I have a heart for the things of God. I m continuing to grow. I m continuing to learn.

I must realize that training and instruction of my own children is a marathon.

It s not going to happen overnight.

I must train my children in a manner that is appropriate with each individual child.

We have to use the word of God as we do that. We have to see God around us in everything we do

and point our children to those things.

And here s what I ve learned over the years. I hope this is encouragement to so many of you.

It s not too late to start. It s not too late to start.

I have seen the Lord do amazing things over my ministry with parents who are in their 60s,

with children in their 30s. It s not too late to start.

Lay these things before Him and trust that He can continue to use you in spite of your past mistakes.

Fathers, do not anger your children, but raise them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord.

Father, I pray right now for every heart of every parent in this place.

And help us see that your way is the right way.

Help us see that you can continue to change hearts. You can continue to develop relationships.

Father, I pray that from so many of us, today is the starting line.

Today s the starting line on a long journey, Father, and I pray that you give us the power to finish it well.

I pray, Father, that as we hand the baton to the next generation, that that transition will be seamless.

I pray, Father, that you empower us with your spirit to be the best parents, the best leaders that we can be.

Help us do everything we do to honor you. Help us lead our children to salvation.

Father, I pray that you will just continuously remind us that it s not up to us.

It s up to you.

I pray that you will use this time to speak and minister to our hearts. We ask all these things in your name. Amen.

Well, here and now I draw a boundary against every weapon that s formed.

The thief and his plans will pass over when he sees the red on the door. I plead the blood.

I declare it today.

The enemy can t take my family, because this home belongs to the Lord.

So I m not afraid to remind him that he has no claim in this war.

I plead the blood. I plead the blood of Jesus.

I plead the blood. I plead the blood of Jesus.

My future is glory to glory. My freedom has been purchased in full.

For all of the weight of his suffering, the Lamb will receive his reward.

I plead the blood. I plead the blood of Jesus.

It s more than enough. I plead the blood of Jesus.

My shield and my shelter, it s my defense. I claim it over and over again.

I plead the blood. I plead the blood of Jesus.

I plead the blood. I plead the blood.

What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood. Nothing but the blood.

What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood. Nothing but the blood.

Nothing can force in a tone. Nothing but the blood. Nothing but the blood.

Nothing good that I have done. Nothing but the blood. Nothing but the blood.

This is all my hope and peace. Nothing but the blood. Nothing but the blood.

For my future, this I plead. Nothing but the blood. I plead the blood.

I plead the blood of Jesus. It s more than enough.

I plead the blood of Jesus. My shield and my shelter, it s my defense.

I claim it over and over again. My shield and my shelter, it s my defense.

I claim it over and over again. My shield and my shelter, it s my defense.

I claim it over and over again. I plead the blood. I plead the blood of Jesus.

I plead the blood. I plead the blood of Jesus.

Amen. Amen.

I m going to invite Bucky up here to close out our service this morning.

Father s day. I love to worship you with you all in this place.

This word is for every male in this house.

I have called you from your mother s womb to be a man.

Your masculinity is a gift from me. It is not toxic, but I give it to accomplish the things which I please.

I have called you to lead. I have ordained you to lead your family, to lead your community,

to lead at work, to lead wherever you go.

I have given you influence. Your influence is a gift to accomplish what I please.

Use it on my behalf. I am for you, not against you.

I greatly desire for you to succeed.

You are my anointed.

You are kings. You are priests. And for you young men, your day is coming when you will lead.

Watch those who do it well today.

For your two steps behind them.

And they will hand the baton to you. And you will lead your family. You will lead your children.

By this my kingdom will increase.

I love you, men.

Receive that in Jesus' name.

Amen. Get your donuts quick. Receive that. Amen.

Jesus' name, we pray.

We praise you, we praise you.

We praise you, we praise you.

We praise you, we praise

We'll see you break down every wall

We'll watch the giants fall

For fear cannot survive when we praise you

The God of breakthroughs on our side

Forever lived in life

With all creation dry God we praise you

We'll see you break down every wall

We'll watch the giants fall

For fear cannot survive when we praise you

The God of breakthroughs on our side

Forever lived in life

With all creation dry God we praise you

O-o-o-wo-o-o-wo-o-wo-o-wo-oh

We praise you, oh-o-o-o-wo-oh

We praise you all.

We praise you all.