Sermon on the Mount - Divorce Matthew 5:31-32 Pastor Daniel Reese

I love Chuck just so you know.

We're going to talk about divorce today, not lust.

If you ever Bible Matthew 5 or will be.

You might want to know this.

You might not.

I'm going to share with you anyway.

But over the years, my way of preparing for a sermon has changed quite a bit.

When I was bivocational, I didn't have much time to think about a sermon until Saturday,

so there was never really a plan except that I was just going to go through a book like

I do now.

So I would decide the Saturday before the Sunday how many verses we were going to cover

the next day.

Depending on how much time I had to prepare would determine how deep we would go into

a particular text.

Since I've been full time, I like to spend a few weeks every year just kind of outlining

where we will go for the next year or so.

So last February a year ago, I outlined the sermons through June of this year.

Not knowing what my life was going to look like, not knowing what our church would look

like, but just trusting the Lord that this is where we would go.

Here in the next few weeks, I will begin that process again and try to outline another year's

worth of sermons.

Now Sina was in my office this week, not because she was in trouble, but just because she was

in visiting with me and she was asking me what the text was this week and I told her

it was about divorce.

And she said, well, that's ironic.

It's ironic.

Not because we are getting a divorce or would consider a divorce, but because we've been

in a hard season, a season of growth, a season of learning new things, a season of breaking

some old habits.

I also didn't consider that this is the first Sunday after Valentine's Day.

So there's no greater way of celebrating love than talking about divorce.

Am I right?

Now I know there has to be others that would rather me be talking about anything other

than marriage and divorce this morning because things might be a little tense in your house.

But this is why I like going through books of the Bible.

This is why I like outlining passages in advance because it forces me to deal with the text.

And not one person can think that I am pointing them out for anything.

It's not like something happened this week and I was like, oh, I'm going to write a sermon

about that.

That's not how it works.

So this morning we're going to be looking at two verses, but really what we are going

to be looking at is what does the whole Bible say about marriage and divorce?

And hopefully as we walk out of here in just a little bit, we'll have a better understanding

of why Jesus was addressing this topic with his disciples.

So I'm going to invite Isabelle up here this morning to read our passage.

She's going to be reading Matthew chapter 5, 31 through 32.

Matthew 5 · chapter mention

If you are up for it and able and willing, we'd love for you to stand as we honor the

Lord's word together.

It was also said that whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.

But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual

immorality, makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Amen.

Let's pray.

Father, we pray right now over this text.

We pray that it will make sense to us.

We pray that we will apply it.

We pray that we will understand it in a way that brings honor and glory to you.

Thank you for Isabelle.

Thank you for just how you're growing her and her willingness to read your word in front

of our church today.

We pray you bless her for it.

We ask all these things in Jesus' name.

Amen.

Thanks, Ezi.

So we're 30 verses in so far to the Sermon on the Mount.

If Christ hasn't stirred up enough of a hornet's nest so far in dealing with the law and adultery

and lust and those things, He's just going to continue to make things uncomfortable.

And so again, because of this text, we need to look back and understand what the Old Testament,

we need to understand what Jesus was referencing in this sermon to His disciples.

Once again, He's not going to throw away the law.

He's not getting rid of the law or changing the law, but He's going to give us a complete

understanding.

So what Jesus says in verse 32 is that the only acceptable reason for a divorce is because

of sexual immorality.

God did not command divorce, but He did permit it.

God's ideal is reconciliation, even if there is infidelity, even if there is adultery.

The classic example of this is Hosea and his wife, Gomer.

Gomer wasn't faithful to Hosea.

Time and time again was betraying Hosea, but Hosea forgave her and their home was restored.

Listen, there is far too many foolish excuses today for divorce.

The most used is, I just don't love her anymore.

Since the feeling of love is gone, we just need to get a divorce.

And I need you to hear me say, love does not strengthen marriage, but your marriage will

strengthen your love.

When we think of love, we think of it as an emotion.

But love is a commitment.

Christians, if you're a believer, you don't have a choice about loving.

We are commanded to love.

We don't just love when things are going well.

We are to love when things aren't.

We need to understand that when God created marriage back in Genesis chapter two, he says

that you are to leave your father, you're to leave your mother, you're to hold fast

to your spouse, and you become one flesh.

It was God's intention that we go into a marriage thinking of it as more than just moving into

a house together.

More than just changing addresses.

This is a lifelong commitment.

That's why I often will turn people down who want me to marry them.

If I do not feel like it's a God-honoring relationship, then I'm going to make sure and

tell them I don't feel like it's a God-honoring relationship and I can't be a part of it.

If they are unwilling to honor the Lord before their marriage, I know that there's going

to be little hope for them to honor him during their marriage when things get real.

Does that make it a little harder on the couple when it comes to planning a wedding because

now they got to go find somebody else to do it for them?

Probably.

But going into a marriage shouldn't be easy.

It shouldn't always be easy.

This is the problem that Jesus is addressing.

The Pharisees allow divorce for almost any reason.

In Deuteronomy chapter 24, it reads, when a man takes a wife and marries her and then

Deuteronomy 24 · chapter mention

she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her.

So that passage in Deuteronomy chapter 24, because of that text, it created this big

Deuteronomy 24 · chapter mention

debate amongst the Jews.

They began to try and determine what the Lord meant with that word indecency, that word

indecent.

The most conservative teacher said that it meant adultery or he discovered that she wasn't

a virgin when they were married.

That was one side of the debate.

The other side of the debate was that she made her husband unhappy in some ways.

It could be that she couldn't have any children.

It could be that she was disobedient.

It could be that she was a nag or maybe she was constantly burning dinner.

But whatever reason is, he found somebody that he did not like or he found somebody

else that he preferred over her.

Now it was the second more liberal view that was held by the majority of the Jews at the

time, at least the majority of the men.

And so if the wife displeased her husband in any way, then he gave her a contract of divorce

and said, let this be your letter of dismissal.

Let this be your deed of liberation.

So now you can go and marry somebody else, whatever man you wish.

This was the law for society then, but it also remains today as well.

If you cannot live with your spouse, if you just can't see eye to eye and you aren't a

Christian, you still can't simply desert them.

You have to go through the necessary actions, the necessary paperwork to make it official.

Now even our society is trying to protect the institution of marriage to provide a waiting

period so to speak.

So just to make it a little more difficult than just saying, see you later, I'm out of

here.

Now this passage, when Jesus is addressing the Jewish law, is for men.

Because women in this day and age, they didn't have a right to divorce.

They didn't really have any rights whatsoever.

That isn't the case today as women have equal rights under our law.

The other thing that we need to remember is that adultery was a capital offense under

Jewish law.

You didn't become a divorcee if your spouse cheated on you.

You became a widower.

There's less paperwork that way.

What this says is that the only acceptable reason for two Christians to divorce, and

remember this is for two believers, is for adultery.

And that permits remarriage.

But let's look at Jesus' higher standard.

Let's look at his higher standard.

In Matthew 19, Jesus is, he's approached by the Pharisees and they asked him if it was

lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause.

He then explains to them, Genesis chapter 2, where God created marriage and he says,

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

what God has joined together, let no man separate.

Well they didn't like that answer.

They didn't like that response.

So they come back at him with, well then why did Moses give us the command or to give us

a certificate of divorce to our spouse?

And Jesus says it was because of the hardness of your heart.

Hardness allowed divorce because you have a hard heart.

Now hardness of heart is a sin.

When someone refuses to think past their own emotions, they refuse to think past their

own feelings and they become closed off to the heart of God, they're closed off to any

sort of counsel, they are living with a hard heart.

In other words, if you have made up your mind and nothing is going to change it, you have

become closed off to God doing a work in your life and you are living in sin.

And for the Jews, that happened far too often.

Now Jesus brings us back to the heart of marriage.

He reminds them in Matthew 19 that marriage is not just a legal contract, it's a covenant.

Now, our society has proven that legal contracts can be broken frequently and if that is how

we view our marriages, if that's how we, when we're walking down the aisle looking forward

to a legal contract, if that's how we view our marriages, there isn't a whole lot of

hope.

When we stand before our families as a husband and a wife and we recite vows to one another,

they are making a commitment for the rest of their lives.

This isn't, shouldn't be taken on a whim.

When a couple gets married, it's usually good.

That's usually one of the best days of their life, right?

The bad times haven't come yet.

The sickness hasn't come yet.

The job loss, the insurance claims, they haven't come.

So it's easy to make those vows.

It's easy to make that commitment.

There have been times in my life where I've broken my vows.

Now, I was looking at my, our vows yesterday and I've realized, man, I've broken a few

of them.

If my, there have been times where I have failed to place my wife's needs above my own.

And if my marriage was just a legal contract, Sina would have every right to divorce me.

But it's not, we made a covenant.

Before we got married, we said divorce is not an option.

So what that makes us do is it makes us work it out.

There's no, there's no exit ramp on this thing.

We're either going to be miserable or we're going to work it out.

When Jesus says that what God has joined together, let no man separate, that includes me.

That includes her.

He wasn't just talking about outside forces.

He wasn't just talking about culture.

That means I need to get over the hardness of my heart when I'm angry.

I need to get over it when my head starts wandering about what my life would look like

without her.

Now, I don't know if you've ever been there, but if I'm not careful, my mind can take me

to some dark places where I begin to think that maybe my life would be better off without

her.

In the middle of a fight, in the middle of an argument, in the season of just not getting

along.

If I'm not careful, my mind will wander and I'll begin to think my life would be better

off without her.

If all I have is a legal contract, that doesn't carry much weight.

I have to remember that God has called us to a covenant.

And inside a covenant, the commitment goes way beyond the law.

Jesus' higher standard is that marriage reflects a holy relationship.

As a husband, I am supposed to love Sina just like Christ loves his people, just like he

loves the church.

If Christ just loved us legally, then we would all be condemned to die because we fail him

all the time.

We don't hold up our end of the bargain all the time.

He break his law often and he has every right as a just judge to condemn us to hell.

Instead, he sacrificially loves, loves right to the point where he laid down his life for

our sin.

He laid down his life for us so that we could be in relationship with the Father.

Instead of all of our sin, he willingly chose to die for us.

Why?

Because God has made a covenant with his people.

Now back in the Old Testament, during that time period, when you made a covenant with

somebody, it was as serious as death.

There was this big ritual, big ordeal.

You would take animals and you would cut them in half.

And you and the person that you were making an agreement with would walk in between them.

What that meant was, if one of you broke the covenant that was being made, your fate would

be similar to the animals that were split in half.

I think we should bring this back to marriage ceremonies.

Just bring that into the church and... maybe not.

Genesis 15, God makes a covenant with Abraham.

Just very similar to that.

The difference is that God was the only one who passed through the split carcasses.

What God was saying is that even though you were going to be unable to fulfill this covenant,

even though you're going to mess this up over and over again, I'm still going to pass through

this thing because I'm able to keep the covenant.

So that means that my marriage and your marriage reflects how God feels about us.

I am to love Sina and sacrifice her for her even when she wrongs me.

Even when she speaks to me in a tone that I don't like.

Even when she messes up and leaves a chapstick in the laundry and I get grease stains all

over my clothes.

Even when she doesn't show me love the way I would prefer, I'm still supposed to sacrifice

for her and I'll be real honest with you.

There are times that it is so hard for me to love her and it's not because of her.

It's because of the hardness of my heart.

But I'm reminded in those moments that it wasn't easy for Jesus.

It wasn't easy for Jesus to carry the cross up that hill to die for me.

So I can and I should forgive her when things aren't ideal.

I will be the first to tell you.

Sina will be the second to tell you that I failed to love her at times like Christ loves

me.

That's why I'm so grateful for the grace that not only God gives me but the grace that

Sina gives me.

Because she understands that I'm not perfect.

She understands that this is a covenant that we entered into.

We have walked between the carcasses together, so to speak.

Nothing has brought more sanctification to my life than being married and having children.

The scriptures often refers to the church as the bride of Christ, which means that

my relationship with Sina is a symbol of his relationship to us.

Now what I've realized in my marriage is my pride comes out at times in my relationship.

My selfishness at times comes out in my relationship.

My hard-heartedness has come out of in my relationship.

And if I care at all about my marriage, I'm going to put those things to death.

And as believers, we need to do the same thing with our relationship to the Lord.

That's Jesus' standard about marriage.

But far too often, even as believers, we fail to live up to that standard.

So let's consider the impact of divorce.

If you break a covenant, not a legal contract, but if you break a covenant, there are lasting

consequences to that decision.

This goes beyond a broken promise.

We should feel the weight of a broken covenant.

Marriage vows are not the only victims when it comes to divorce.

The comedian Nate Barghetti says that his wife comes from a divorce family.

And he believes that decision has been the hardest on him because now he has to go to

two different families for the holidays.

Now he was joking, but there's a lot of truth in that joke, isn't there?

When divorce happens, there are more people involved than just the husband and the wife.

Many times there are kids involved.

There are friends that have to pick sides.

There are relationships within laws that just cease to exist.

Divorce brings all kinds of broken relationships with it.

I've been at lunch with people over the years where the ex-father-in-law walks in.

It creates some tension, like you can feel the tension.

You know what I'm talking about?

They aren't usually happy to see each other.

And what ends up happening is a bunch of awkwardness and avoidance.

That doesn't seem like a great way to live for me.

Now I like, if you know me well, I like awkward situations as much as the next guy.

But that seems a little too much, even for me.

If Sina and I were to ever break up, which we aren't because it's not an option, right?

It would be really awkward for me to call my mother-in-law around Christmas time and

ask her if she could send me the treats that she makes at Christmas time.

Because that would be awkward for me.

And that would, you know, now knowing her, she would probably do it, but it's still

an awkward conversation.

I'm trying to avoid that conversation.

Divorce has many victims, but I think the kids are the ones who are affected the most.

Studies show that teens from single-parent homes are twice as likely to drop out of high

school.

They're twice as likely to become teen parents.

They're more than twice as likely to end up divorced themselves.

I don't think that that's what anybody hopes for the children.

And even if you have a great relationship with your ex after a divorce, it still has

a lasting impact on your children.

I've never met a kid that has divorced parents who love splitting time between two homes.

Now I've seen some great situations where the parents are divorced and get along for

the most part and they have good lives at both houses, but even those kids, I've never

said, man, I love going to dads on the weekend.

I love splitting my time.

It just doesn't work that way.

I also want you to consider this, divorce rarely brings more happiness.

You might not realize it in the moment because we think this is as bad as it gets.

This feeling I have is as bad as it gets, but the grass is not greener on the other

side of divorce.

In her book, For Better or For Worse, psychologist Mavis Heatherington says that after divorce,

only 20% of individuals indicated that their lives had improved.

20% said, my life is better after a divorce.

While in 70% of cases, the individuals were in the same or worse emotional and social

condition.

Divorce does not mean more happiness.

Divorced adults are more susceptible to severe emotional and psychological problems.

Suicide rates for divorced males is four times higher than those that remain married.

A study at Yale University says that being divorced and a non-smoker is just slightly

less dangerous than smoking a pack or more a day and remaining married.

It affects us.

Here's what I know.

If you get divorced and remarried and never deal with your own issues, you will get divorced

again because that new husband or that new wife is going to expose all of those sinful

ways that the previous one did.

The common denominator of divorce is sin.

You have a sin issue just as much as your spouse has a sin issue.

Now I don't know how the laws in Iowa are.

Haven't come across it yet.

In Texas, you can only get married four times.

Only four.

We knew this one girl back in La Mesa that was a little younger than us that was about

to get married when we got there.

Her future in-laws were coming to our church and we found out the wedding was going to

be in the mountains of Río de Oceño, Mexico.

It wasn't uncommon.

It's a beautiful place.

But it does make it more difficult to plan a wedding because it's four and a half hours

away.

We learned that the reason they were getting married in New Mexico wasn't because of the

scenery but because legally she couldn't get married in Texas anymore.

This was her fifth marriage.

Now I think by that time, if you're starting to look at four or five marriages, I think

that's the time.

We just kind of stop and look in the mirror, maybe take some stock of your life and realize

maybe all the ex-husbands weren't the problem.

If you go into a marriage only pursuing happiness, it will betray you quickly.

If you leave a marriage in the pursuit of happiness, you will soon realize that a whole

new set of problems are going to follow you.

Marriage has a lasting impact because a covenant has been broken.

You were dealing with a high degree of seriousness when it comes to ending a marriage.

Make sure you consider all your options before you pull the trigger.

That leads me to my last point.

Choose your hard.

Marriage is hard and divorce is hard, so choose wisely.

When I think about my marriage over the last 18 years, I would say that it's been really

great.

We had a rough start at the beginning, just kind of figuring some things out about each

other, but for the most part I would say that 95% of my marriage has been fantastic.

Seeing them I disagree, that's my opinion.

However, we decided a few months ago that we should go through some marriage mentoring.

The reason I wanted to go through that process before we walked through it with others.

I wanted to be able to empathize with any couple that we mentored in the future.

It would have been really hard to empathize if we didn't go through that process ourselves.

But for 10 weeks we would meet with our mentor couple to try to fix or work on that 5%, and

it was not easy.

It created some hard feelings.

There were periods of time that it created distance.

There were times that I was so mad and angry because we were dealing with the 5% instead

of focusing on all the good that we had.

It took some work.

It was hard.

Maybe one of the hardest things that we have ever done in our time together, but I would

do it again because my marriage is worth it.

It revealed some things in me that I was ignoring or just plain oblivious to.

Some of you guys can understand that.

It revealed some things in Sina that I just wasn't able to find the words to explain to

her.

Now that we have put in some work, I feel our marriage is stronger than it was.

Not perfect by any means, but better than it was before we did it.

Marriage takes work.

And I would say that if you've never tried to work on your marriage, then don't even

consider divorce because that is a whole other set of problems.

Divorce is hard too.

You've got custody battles.

You've got court appointments.

You're dividing up property.

You're only seeing your kids on the weekends.

I mean, that's a brutal process.

I've seen far too many people brokenhearted because they have to say goodbye to their

kids for a week.

I understand that being in a bad marriage is hard, but divorce isn't any easier.

There's no easy button when it comes to life.

Now if you're single in here and you hope to get married one day, I hope you will understand

that marriage is hard, but it's worth it.

Now one of the non-negotiables that I have, if any couple asks me to marry them, is that

they go through some premarital counseling.

It's important that you lay the foundation before you build the house.

Make sure you know what you're signing up for.

If you're married in here, I would highly encourage you to put in some work for the

sake of your marriage.

Even if you have a good one, make it better.

When was the last time you spent some real time working on your marriage by making it

stronger?

Get out of the routine.

Give your marriage a tune up.

I learned this week that if you were to buy a newer car, the newer cars need tuned up

around every 75 to 100,000 miles.

But older cars, they need tuned up every 20,000 miles or so.

I'd be willing to bet that many of you who've been married a long time are well past that

mark in regards to your marriage.

You're well past the 20,000 miles.

You've just learned to deal with it.

You've learned to deal with the noises.

You've learned to deal with the leaking fluids.

It's just life.

Every marriage needs a tune up.

Now some of you understand that leaking fluids thing.

Signed a tune up.

If you were in a bad marriage, sorry.

If you're in a bad marriage and you are tired of pretending that it is something that it's

not, you're tired of putting on a fake smile.

You're tired of pretending that everything's okay.

I would encourage you to let us help you.

We have several couples in this church that would be happy to walk with you as you try

to make it better.

But it's going to be hard and it's going to take some work.

But again, I believe that it is worth it.

If you are divorced, I want you to hear me say this, divorce and adultery aren't the

unforgivable sin.

If violating God's perfect plan for our world excluded us from the kingdom of heaven, none

of us would qualify.

I do not believe that it is God's plan though for your life to stay in an abusive relationship.

If you are staying in an abusive marriage because you are worried about God sending

you to hell, I need you to hear me say that.

Please seek help.

But please don't continue to let yourself or your children be abused.

Now depending on the type of abuse should determine the speed at which things change.

If you are in physical danger, if your children are in physical danger, something needs to

change today.

I will drop, there's people that will drop whatever we are doing today to help you.

It needs to change today.

If you are in an emotional abuse, if you are in a marriage where there is emotional abuse,

let us walk with you through that to see if we can help you get to a better situation.

But we all need to remember that when you put two sinners into the same house, there

is going to be issues.

You put two sinners together, there is going to be some problems.

But here is what we all need to be aware of and here is what we all need to understand.

The issue with all of our relationships, the problem with all of our relationships is a

sin issue.

Pride seems to flare up.

Selfishness seems to show up.

Hard heartedness seems to show up.

All symptoms of sin.

And so I don't know what your marriage is like.

But if you are having some issues, it is because you have some sin issues.

And so what better way, what better time to confess those things today?

What better day to take a step to improving our marriage situations than today?

Maybe it is a little uncomfortable for you?

Maybe you are mad at me right now because I am talking about it?

Because you know on the way home your spouse is going to talk about saying hey we need

to take some steps and you are not ready?

My hope for you would be that you start praying right now that God would soften your heart,

that He would change you.

If we don't deal with our sin issues, our marriages have no shot, no hope.

And so we are going to sing one more song together.

We are going to have time to respond to the Lord together.

We will do it in a second.

Let me pray for us.

Father right now I pray that you will just be in our midst.

I pray that you will speak to our hearts.

I pray that you will give us soft hearts towards one another.

I pray God that as we sing and as we respond that you will just move in this place.

That your Holy Spirit would fall on this room and speak to our hearts.

I pray God that your will be done.

I pray that you will strengthen our marriages.

As our marriages are strengthened, our community will be strengthened.

I pray Father that your will be done in our life.

We ask all these things in Jesus' name.

Amen.