How to Date God's Way | Brad Straarup

Well, good morning everyone.

I'm so excited for today.

If you have your Bibles, go ahead and turn to Genesis chapter 2.

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

For this series, we have been in Genesis chapter 2 and 3, and we are in week four of our relationship series that's called It's Complicated.

Genesis 2 · chapter mention

It is our love sex and marriage series.

How many of you know that relationships can be complicated?

It can be so complicated.

How many of you through the series, your marriages are getting a little less complicated?

Praise God, that's what we're looking for.

How many of you are single in this place?

If you're single, wave your hand in the air, wave your hand in the air like you just do care.

What's up?

What's up?

Take a look.

That's what you're working with.

Okay, I'm gonna be helping y'all.

How many people are dating in the room?

Any people date okay, there we go.

We got some daters.

Got some daters.

How many people are engaged in the room?

Anyone who is okay, we got some engaged people.

Let's go.

I love that.

We love a church that is moving forward and all of that.

Here's what I'm gonna do today for week four of our complicated series.

We're gonna be talking about dating.

Now, if you're married and you just turned yourself off because you're like, ah, I'm not dating, you have just told me everything that is wrong with your marriage.

Here's why.

Because the more you are married, the longer you are married, you need to get better at dating, not worse.

We should never stop dating our spouse.

We have to get better and better.

Not only do you need to be locking in because you should be getting better at dating, another reason you should lock in is because we all have friends that are single.

You have kids that are single, you have teenagers who are single, you have friends that are single, and I think one of the things we have to be careful of is we can't always be a selfish listener.

What does that mean?

Sometimes we're listening to something and we're like, okay, how does this apply to me?

How can I apply this?

And I think that's great and beautiful, but sometimes we need to be listening, not to apply, but to teach.

We need to have these moments where we're like, okay, I'm listening, but there's people that God has put in my lives, and the truths that we're gonna talk about today, they need.

Okay, so married people, I've got some stuff for you.

Single people, I've got a whole lot for you, but either way, there is something that you can learn, and there's something that you can teach.

So, y'all got it?

We got the rules of engagement.

Okay, great.

Talking about dating.

Y'all, dating is hard.

Dating can be complicated.

Okay, now I'm no expert in this.

I dated two people my entire life.

My first girlfriend, I was 17, had no idea what I'm doing, and we broke it off, and I was like, that was terrible.

And then I was like, the next time I do this, I'm gonna marry the girl.

And literally, I did not date another person until I was 24.

The second person that I dated was Paige.

And she was my girl, and we have been dating for 10 years.

We've been together for 10 years, and I was actually looking, and I was like, I wonder if I can find our first photo that we have together as a couple.

You wanna see our first photo together as a couple?

Here's our first photo as a couple.

Look at that, look at that, look at that.

Those of you who are saying are looking at her.

Uh, because when I found this photo, I realized something is that women, you age like wine, and men, we age like an avocado.

Uh, we we do not get better with AIDS.

Unfortunately, we get a whole lot worse with AIDS.

But I remember that season.

I remember that season, 24, trying to find someone, and I was like, man, this is so hard.

And I feel like we're in this world where there is more and more options than ever, but lessenless quality options.

Can I get some amens from the single people?

There's lessenless quality options, and I remember I was trying to find someone.

I was like, I'm gonna find someone that's gonna be great.

But my love life mostly looked like this.

It says this this summarizes my love life.

I'm the guy in blue.

Um, I was the guy back there in blue, and I was like looking at everyone else who had this awesome love, and I was like, one day it's gonna be me.

And then fortunately, I met Paige, and you know what I've learned is I've talked to people, is dating is just harder and it gets harder the older you get.

Like when you're 20, it's like, do you have a job and do you have a car?

Like that's all you want.

You know, when you're 40 and you're still, you know, trying to find so you're like, Do you love Jesus?

Do you have a car?

Uh, what's your credit score?

Um, can I have your therapist's notes?

Is there a background check I can say?

Like, all of it gets a whole lot more complicated the older that you get.

And then you add technology into that.

Like, we're not even trusting God and the Holy Spirit.

We're like, no, I need technology to help me.

So we have all these apps.

All these apps.

Like I was talking to young people, like, what apps are there?

And they were like, there's there's there's an app I think called Tinder, which is like I like I think it's like for people under 30, I think it's the one that you swipe left and swipe right.

What do you swipe left or swipe right?

What what why would y'all know that?

Why, why, why, like you shouldn't, you, you shouldn't.

You have Tinder, you have hinged.

If you're like looking for a more serious dating relationship until you meet someone who's unhinged, amen.

Amen.

You're like, what was that?

Apparently there's one called Raya.

I remember I was talking to someone last week and I was like, How did you guys meet?

And they said, Oh, we met through Raya.

And I was like, Great, who is she?

Does she go to our church?

And they're like, it's a dating app.

I was like, oh, it's crazy.

I was like, okay, we love apparently we love Raya.

I'm like, there's all kinds of ones, you know.

If if you're looking for something sanctified, it's Christian mingle.com.

You know, and and of course, if you live in the Queen Creek area, there's farmers only.

Some of you are like, I just need a farmer boy, and apparently it's on farmers only.

I don't, I was like, this is not real, and I looked it up, and apparently it is it's real, like it's so real.

But there can be so much pressure when it comes to dating, and I think it's so incredibly hard.

Your family can be applying pressure.

Okay?

Every time you go to a wedding, you know, aunt, your aunt, we'll call her Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen comes, and Aunt Karen is like, When are you when are you gonna get married?

And you're like, I'm trying up in these streets.

Like, I'm trying my hardest.

You know, in the next the next wedding, she comes up, she's like, When are you gonna get married?

When are you next?

And then the next one, she's like, When are you next?

And he's like, When are you next?

Let me say, I have a response for Aunt Karen.

It's not Christian, you don't have to use it.

But but but but the next time you're at a family funeral, you can say, When don't say that.

Don't, don't, don't.

Y'all got there, or don't, don't, don't, don't say that to Aunt Karen.

She's nice, she's trying, she just doesn't know what to say.

There's so much pressure.

There's even pressure in church.

Why?

Because we read verses like Genesis 2, verse 18.

Genesis 2:18

We've read it over the last couple of weeks.

The Lord God said, It is not good, say not good.

Say no, boy, no, it is not good for man to be alone.

I will make a helper suitable for him.

And we can read that, and what we can think is that means that you have to get married, but you need to know this.

That is not about marriage, that is just saying it is not good for us to not be in community.

We need to have people around us, but the challenge is sometimes we can read that, and we can think that singleness is a curse to cure.

It is not a curse to cure because literally Paul says this in 1 Corinthians 7 7.

Before I talk about dating, I want to talk about those of you who are single.

It says this, but I wish everyone were single just as I am.

Charles didn't know that was in the Bible.

No, that's in the Bible.

I wish everyone of you were single just as I am.

Yet each person has a special gift from God of one kind or another.

So I say this to those who aren't married and to the widows, it is better for you to stay unmarried just as I am.

But if you can't control yourselves, then you should go ahead and marry.

It is better to marry than to burn with lust.

Praise God.

Okay, Paul's wise.

But he continues, he says this.

Why does he say it?

Because I want you to be free from the concerns of this life.

An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please him.

But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife.

And all the husbands said, A big amen.

That's what we need to do.

His interests are divided in the same way a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy and is holy in body and in spirit.

But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how she can please her husband.

I'm saying this to you for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you.

So what he's saying is, you don't have to follow this.

He says this I want you to do what will ever help you serve the Lord best and have as few distractions as possible.

Some of y'all, if you weren't married, you'd be so distracted, go ahead and get married.

Some of you, what he's saying is there's actually a calling that God can place on some people's lives that you can do more single.

Like I remember when I was single, man, I was doing ministry, I was doing all the things, all the things.

In fact, can I have my wife come up here?

Can y'all welcome up Paige to the stage?

Here's what you need to know.

When I was single, talking to all the single people real quick, when I was single, when God told me to do something, I did it.

You know, he was like, I need you to move to America, and I was like, fine.

And I did it.

And he was like, I need you to work at this job.

I'm like, great.

He's like, I need you to start a ministry.

I'm like, great.

Like, I was so nimble.

Okay, and it was beautiful because I was able to be quick, I was able to follow exactly what God said.

And then I met my lovely wife, Paige, and we got married.

Uh-huh.

Love you.

So glad that you're here.

And then what happens is God would say, Hey, Brad, I need you to move to Arizona.

And some of y'all are newly married, and you don't know.

Some of y'all, what you're doing is God says move, and you're like, Great.

Don't don't do that.

You need to love your wife.

Okay, you need to love your wife.

I told you you were gonna do that, so we're good.

Okay.

Here's what you need to know.

You're like, did he mean to do that?

Yes, we talked about it.

Okay, but here's what you need to know is when you're married, God says, Okay, what I need you to do is I need you to move to Arizona.

And I'm like, God has told us to move to Arizona.

Do you feel good about that?

Thank you.

Okay, and then we're like, okay, three, two, one, go.

And it's like, okay, God is telling us to do this ministry, and we're gonna have to, it's gonna take a lot of our time.

Like, are you good with that?

Okay, here we go.

That's right.

Three, two, one, go.

And then you add kids to that, and a kid upon a kid upon a kid upon upon a kid.

And then what happens is you are a whole lot slower.

Does that make sense?

Now we're strong, but we're not as numble.

We're not as quick.

Thank you.

Can you all give Paige a great big hand?

The reason that's important to understand is this if you aren't careful, you will think that singleness is a curse that needs to be cured.

And you will talk to your single friends like, oh my gosh, you need to you need to get away from being single.

But let me just remind you: Jesus Christ, who changed the world, changed it single.

He did everything God called him to do single.

You do not need to find a person to find your purpose.

You do not need to be married to settle into your potential.

You can accomplish what God has for you as a single person.

And all the single people said they're big.

Amen.

Amen.

You can do it while being single.

Do not make this waiting season a wasted season.

If you are single, you have so much time.

Get into the presence of God.

Start serving church, start building the church.

I remember that's what I was doing.

I was building the church, I was doing everything that I could, and while I was serving God, eventually I found someone running next to me serving God, and her name was Paige, and I was like, we are doing this together.

Do you want to do this together for life?

That's what it looks like.

So, all my single people, I need you to know this.

Do not waste the season, okay?

Okay, now let's talk about dating.

I think here's the problem is we have more options than ever before.

Married people, single people, lock in.

We have more options than ever before.

And I think the big idea that I have for the sermon is this I think dating isn't our problem.

I think we know how to date.

I think the problem is deciding.

Dating isn't our problem, deciding is.

Because it's more complicated than ever.

When our parents were trying to date, there was no social media.

There were no dating apps.

You had your small little church, you had your workplace, and you were like this 20 people.

I pick you.

You're like, let's do it.

Right?

If you're on an island and there's like two people there, you're like any mini my you.

Like, that's what it's gonna look like.

When when you have less options, it's easy to make a choice.

The challenge is now, oh my gosh, we have so many options.

Right?

You're like, there's social media.

I am technically connected to every single person in the world.

And you're like on these apps and you're swiping, and you're like, the perfect person is one swipe away.

And we believe into this lie that the right person will complete me.

And this isn't only for single people, this is for married people.

You can believe into this lie, the right person will complete me.

You're like, I just need to find the right person.

I need someone with with with the perfect body and the perfect understanding and mindset and emotions and spirituality.

And the second, you're not that.

We're not working on sanctification.

We're like, swipe, swipe, right?

It's like cable.

It's like cable.

When I was growing up, we had five channels.

And you know what you would do?

You would scroll through the five channels, and you would be like, Okay, great, there's a movie that I think I kind of like, and it's halfway through, I might as well watch it.

And you were happy.

You would watch half of the movie.

But now we have Netflix and HBO and Amazon Prime and Hulu and Apple TV, and you have unlimited options.

And what happens?

Friday night, you go to watch something, you scroll for two hours, and you're like, there's nothing to watch.

You literally have unlimited options, but for some reason we're like, oh my gosh, no, there's nothing to watch.

That's called the paradox of choice.

And here's the idea that more options were supposed to make you happier, but after a certain point, it becomes harder to choose, and you become less satisfied with what you chose.

It's like ice cream when you walk into the ice cream store, there's only three flavors vanilla, chocolate, strawberry.

You're like, I'll have the strawberry.

And you like the strawberry.

You're like, the strawberry is good.

I had three options I picked well.

Now you go to Jenny's.

And there's 50.

And you try 20 of them, and you start eating the 20th one, but you're like, oh my gosh, I wonder if the 21st one is better than the thing that I'm having.

So you're eating your ice cream, but you're not satisfied with your ice cream because you're like, I think there's other ice cream.

And if you think I'm just talking to single people, I'm not.

Because married people, we do this too.

I just need to find the right one.

And you have this moment where you're like, I don't know if the right one, but literally at my workplace, literally on my phone, literally on that app.

There's someone like, what if they're better?

What if they will complete me?

So we start looking at all these other places instead of being satisfied with the thing that we actually want.

Here's the danger.

The danger of an infinite dating pool is that you stop asking, is this someone I can build my life with?

And instead, what happens is you say, Is there someone what is there someone better once wipe away?

I need you to understand something about marriage, and it's gonna shock some of y'all.

Marriage was not designed to make you happy.

Can I get an Amen in?

From the married people.

Marriage was not designed to make you happy.

Marriage was designed to make you holy.

And if you go into a marriage and both of your goals is your personal happiness, you'll be miserable.

But if you step into a marriage and both of your goals is your personal holiness, that you are gonna be selfless, you will actually find yourself being happy.

The goal cannot be our happiness.

The goal, more than anything, actually needs to be our holiness, our personal holiness.

So dating isn't the problem.

The problem is that we're making a decision, and we're so afraid of making a wrong decision that we don't make a decision at all.

But God tells us we need to make a choice.

Deuteronomy 30 verse 19, it says this This day I call upon the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you, because I've set before you life and death, blessings and curses.

Deuteronomy 30:19

This is like God is a multiple choice test, and he's like saying, Okay, I'm your teacher, and here's what I'm saying: pick A.

Pick life.

He says, Choose life so that you and your children may live.

That's not only life in following Jesus, that's life in everything.

Make decisions that are in alignment with the word of God.

So here's what I want to do for all of us today.

I want to give you four decisions that all of us have to make.

Four decisions.

The first decision is this decide who you'll become.

Decide who you'll become, decide that you are gonna become the right one.

It's because it's become so complicated because we believe the lie of culture, which is if I find the right one, everything will be alright.

It's called the myth of the one.

That out there between these seven billion people, there is one person who is more perfect for you.

And if I can just find them, everything will be perfect.

The only problem is if you actually believe that lie, you will spend all of your time finding and none of your time becoming.

The Bible has nothing to say about how to find the right one.

It has everything to say about how to become the right one.

I remember this as I was a youth pastor.

I would hang out with middle school guys, and we would have a group and we'd be talking about a bunch of things, and I'd be like, Okay, what Bible questions do you have?

And they're like, When is God gonna give me a wife?

And I'm like, Really?

That's your Bible question.

When is God gonna give me a wife?

And you know, I would say to them, Okay, what are you looking for?

And it was crazy.

These middle schoolers who are so quiet are like, oh my gosh, she needs to have the beauty of, and then they just mention some celebrity.

The beauty of that celebrity.

She has to be kind like Mother Teresa, she needs to have the wisdom of Solomon, you know, she needs to have the tenacity of Ruth, and she needs to love Jesus like Mary herself.

And he's like, When I find that person, I'll marry her.

And I'm like, you are 16 playing Xbox 30 hours a week, like you have no idea where you're going, you have no idea what you're gonna do for college.

Really?

You think you you think if you found her, she's gonna be like, that's my guy.

Wow, that's my you, 16-year-old, doesn't know where they're going.

Even though I have a purpose and I love Jesus, and you're not even reading your Bible, you you're my guy.

Like, like, I don't mean you can say this to high school guys, but I'm like, bro, if you met her, she wouldn't pick you.

Like if that girl exists, first of all, she doesn't, but if she existed, she wouldn't pick you.

Because you you're saying she needs to be kind.

Are you kind?

You're saying that you need her to be out of debt.

Are you out of debt?

Oh, she needs to be fit.

Are you fit?

Like we have all these unrealistic expectations.

Single people, hear me.

Here's a question: Are you who the person you're looking for is looking for?

Are you becoming that person?

Married people, I'll say it to you as well.

Are you still becoming the person your spouse was looking for?

Are you still becoming that person?

Or are you married and you're like, I got it in the bag?

Like, I don't gotta do anything anymore.

That's why I think date nights are so important for married couples.

You're gonna you need to pursue intentional conversation.

There's a bunch of questions that Paige and I ask each other um every month, and there's one question I heard this week that I was like, man, I think that's one of the best questions I've heard.

And here's how it goes.

Married people, I want to encourage you to ask it this week.

Here's a question: What are three ways I'm blessing you right now?

And what is one way I can bless you more?

That's it.

The three ways that it that you're blessing them is gonna make you feel real good.

Like, oh, this is amazing.

And then the one way that I can bless you more is basically saying, How do I suck but be kind?

It's like, where can I get better?

Why?

We need to continually focus on becoming the person that the person that we're with was looking for.

Okay, not just be like, okay, I got it in the bag, that's okay.

Okay, this is what I think I love about the story of Ruth.

Ruth was a widow, a widower who ultimately was looking for someone who can redeem her, who can continue her family line.

And there's someone by the name of Boaz, and the Bible talks about him.

Ruth 2, verse 1, it says this Naomi had a relative on her husband's side, a man of standing, a man of character, whose name was Boaz.

Ruth 2:1

And what happens is Ruth actually approaches him.

And it says this in 3 verse 11 and now, my daughter, don't be afraid, I will do for you all that you ask.

All the people of my town know that you are a woman of noble character.

This is the same word used in Proverbs 31:10 that says, a noble wife who can find, a Proverbs 31 woman.

Proverbs 31:10

So what you see in this moment is it says that Boaz was a man of character and Ruth was a woman of character, and they found each other and they chose to marry each other, not because of their looks, but their character.

Are you working on your character?

Here's what I wrote down.

They had both become the kind of person the person they were looking for was looking for.

So you have to decide to become the right one, even in marriage.

The second thing is you have to decide who you'll choose.

Praise God, because all of y'all have a list.

But I've heard your lists, and they're not a good list.

So many times I ask people, like, what is your list?

And it's always physical.

You know?

Dark hair but blue eyes.

Olive skin.

You know, and you can find someone, and they can literally have like the body of Samson and the spirit of Elijah, and you're like, this person's amazing, and you're like, I don't know, he's not 6'5.

But he can be right there.

Brad, are you saying physical is not important?

No, physical's super important.

I pray that you are super attracted to the person that you're with.

But what I'm also saying is physicality can grow.

Let me say it this way.

If you take two ugly sticks and you rub them together long enough, you'll eventually start a fire.

You're welcome.

I'll be here all day.

Eventually it comes.

Paige and I, we'll tell our story at the end of the series, but but but we actually weren't each other's type.

Like we fell in love with each other's character, and the physicality came later.

Okay, you need to have a new list.

So I'm gonna give you a list.

Single people, I need you to take a photo of this list.

Married people, I need you to take a photo of this list, not only to become it, but also to help out all of our single friends.

If any of these do not work, it's a no, it's a red flag, it's a stop.

Okay, here we go.

Here's the first question: Do they love Jesus?

Please, for the love of Jesus, do they love Jesus?

The Bible says this, 2 Corinthians 6 14.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.

For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?

Or what does fellowship, or what can fellowship can light have with darkness?

Jesus has to be your foundation, not chemistry.

You're like, oh my gosh, there's like a physical spark.

And you're like, you like blue, I like blue.

You like sushi?

I like sushi.

Oh my gosh, let's get married.

No, do not get married.

Okay, there has to be more to that than just is Jesus your foundation?

Second question, do they have godly character?

We talked about this last week, man.

Oh, a couple weeks ago.

Are they under the word?

Third, are they wise and are they teachable?

Fourth, are they faithful and trustworthy?

Do me a favor, watch their lives.

And do the patterns of their lives actually align up with their words?

Watch their lives.

Fifth thing, are they moving in the same direction as you?

Paige and I, before we even dated, I went to her and I said, Hey, I need to tell you something.

When I was 18, I felt God told me that at some point in my life I'm gonna plan a church.

I'm more sure about that than everything in my life.

And I need you to know this.

If you're not willing to do this, this has to be over.

I said, I have a direction for my life.

And she she didn't say, I'm on board.

She said, Let me pray about it.

And she came back a couple weeks later and she was like, I'm in.

And we said, Okay, let's do this.

And then I said, How many kids do you want?

We started having all of these conversations even before.

Okay, number six.

Can they love sacrificially and honor a covenant?

For the guys, is she someone who is willing to submit to godly leadership?

For the girls, are they willing or are they willing to lay down their life for you?

I think one of the things that I've learned in my life when I was dating Paige, I think this is the most romantic thing you can say.

A lot of times people will come up to someone and they'll say, I love you.

And they're like, that's super romantic.

Here's the problem with that.

Most people think love is a feeling, not a choice.

Here's what I think is more romantic than I love you.

I choose you.

I choose you.

You see, because one of the things is we have this myth of the one.

I do not believe that there's only one person for you.

I believe that there are many people that you can make it work with.

I believe there are many people that you can make it work with.

But what you're saying is when you say to someone, I choose you, you say, I am forsaking all others.

And even though there are many good options, what I want you to know is you are my best option.

And what I'm doing in this moment is I'm choosing you for life.

That's what a covenant is.

It's saying, I am going in.

We are connected to each other.

Nothing will ever separate us.

I am choosing it is not a feeling, it is a decision.

Paige and I are one.

We are in covenant.

I told her this: I'm like, babe, if you leave, I'm going with you.

Where are we going?

She's like, I'm mad at you.

I'm like, I'm mad at me too.

Where are we going?

That's what covenant is, you make a decision.

I remember dating someone, and this is gonna help you marry people.

I remember dating Paige, and I would go to someone and I'd be like, okay, I think I'm getting ready to get married.

Here's what I need to know.

How did you know?

I was trying to get wise advice.

How do you know that this is the person you need to marry?

And they gave me this advice, it's awful.

They were like, you just know.

I was like, that's not helpful because I don't know.

You know, and then I was like, Oh shoot.

And you know, I went to someone else, I was like, How did you know?

And they were like, Oh, it's easy.

I'm like, thank God.

And I'm like, what is it?

And they said, You just know.

So I tried one more guy, okay?

And I said to him, Tell me, how did you know?

And he said, Bro, he's like, You just know.

And I got so frustrated.

I was like, Really?

I was like, tell me that you just knew in hindsight.

Please tell me that all you did was make a decision, because I can do that.

Like I can look at everything and I can say, Paige, you are the one for me.

I love you.

We're compatible, we're going in the same direction.

I choose you.

And he was like, Yeah.

I was like, praise God.

And I proposed to like a week later.

We've been together for almost 10 years.

I made a decision.

It wasn't a feeling-based decision, it wasn't a I'm in love.

I knew that stuff would fade, and I said, No, I choose you.

The problem is some of you are in marriages, and right now you're feeling that stuff going away, and you need to get back to not I just love you, I chose you.

I chose you.

And I'm in this for life.

Best thing you can say, seventh thing is this.

Is there genuine desire and affection?

Okay.

Married people, I want you to take a photo of that list, and I also want you to ask yourself this is there any part of me where I'm not living up to something in that list anymore?

So this isn't only for you to show it to your single friends.

This is also for you to say, okay, is there any part of me that needs to change?

Okay, all of those green flags.

Okay, green flags.

Let me give you some red flags because some of y'all uh I've talked to y'all and y'all think red flags are accessories and not warning signs.

You're like, no, but he's he's he's a red flag with brown eyes, and I like that.

Okay.

Red flags are not accessories, okay?

There are warnings.

Like if you see a traffic light that's red, what do you do?

Stop.

Some of y'all in relationships, you see a red light and you're like, that means go, go, go, baby.

It does not mean go.

It means slow your role, slow down.

Okay, let me give you this is why it's important.

Proverbs 27, 12 says this the prudence see danger and they take refuge.

So when you see danger, you run.

It says, but the simple, don't be simple, the simple keep going and pay the penalty.

Okay?

Couple red flags.

Here's the first they pressure you to compromise your values.

Okay?

Do not pause go, do not collect$200.

Like if that if they are pressuring you to compromise your values, you're wanting to live a pure life relationally, and they're like, no, let's have sex, like, let's do all of these things.

Let me just say this.

If they're pressuring you to compromise your values, that person doesn't love you, that person is using you.

Why?

Because love is patient.

Love is kind.

If they're forcing you to compromise your values, it's a no-go.

Okay, it's a no-go.

He is not spiritually mature enough to lead you yet.

Second red flag is this they refuse to go public.

Just keep it between us.

Okay, let's just not tell anyone about it.

Major red flag.

Here's someone on the side.

Um, if that happens, that's let me, I'll just tell you what's happening.

Okay, next red flag.

They refuse to define the relationship.

Let's just chill.

No, let's not just tell chill.

Men, lead.

I would like to date you.

I would like for us to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

I am doing this for the purpose of marriage.

And all the ladies will say, Thank you.

Praise God, praise the Lord.

Okay, lead.

Number four, they ghost you and then they love bomb you.

So they have someone and then they come back and they love red flag.

Okay.

Their friends and family don't like them.

Your friends and family don't like them.

Red flag.

Here, this one I think is probably the most important one.

They treat waiters poorly.

See, y'all know.

Y'all know.

We know.

We know.

If they treat waiters poorly, they'll treat you poorly.

Seven thing is this their spiritual life is inconsistent.

You must you you you do not marry potential, you marry patterns.

What do their patterns look like now?

Because red flags don't go green, they get redder.

Okay.

Decide who you'll become, decide who you'll choose.

Third one, decide how you'll date.

Let me say this about dating.

And all the parents are gonna thank me after this.

Praise God.

Okay, dating is a process to move through, not a status to sit in.

Dating is a process to move through and not a status to sit in.

Decide how you'll date.

Let me say it this way: dating is investigation.

What do you like?

What do I like?

Are we going in the same direction?

Should we run together or should we run away?

Okay?

Dating is data.

Okay?

I think this becomes really clear whenever you have a daughter.

Okay, if some dude came up to me, said, Hey Brad, like your daughter Sunday.

I'm like, praise God, this is one day when she's dating when she's like 30.

Um, like your daughter Sunday, and it's like, here's the thing.

I have no intention of marrying her.

But what I want to do is I I would like to date her for a while.

I would love for us to get really emotional.

I would love us to be tempted to do stuff sexually.

We may give each other parts of our bodies, and it's gonna be, but you know, I I'm just gonna try to figure this out and see how this works.

And and kind of when I'm done, two years from now, I'll come and give her back to you.

How does that sound?

Y'all, I may be Christian, but I'll be doing prison ministry from the inside.

It'll be over for that dude, it'll be over for that man.

The purpose of dating is this the only purpose of dating is to move towards a marriage.

That is the only purpose of dating.

That's why I think for high schoolers dating, I'm like, what are you doing?

Because you're not even close to a place of getting married, and what you're doing is you're spending years being tempted and all of these things.

And I and I know and I know I know that you have a story of that one parent that met in high school and they got married, but they're 0.0000001%, and that's probably not you.

Parents.

It's true.

The only purpose of dating is to move towards marriage.

So let me say this: do not date until you're ready to move towards marriage, and do not date someone you won't consider for marriage, because if you're not dating them to marry them, you're not dating them, you're using them.

Song of Solomon, 8 verse 4.

Song of Solomon 8:4

Promise me, O woman of Jerusalem, do not awaken love before the time is right.

And some of you are awakening love as 16-year-old and 15-year-olds and 14-year-olds and 17-year-olds, and the time is not right.

So let me say this: the length of time you should date someone should be the length of time it takes you to make a decision.

I dated Paige 12 months.

Every season, I gotta ask all the questions, and I was like, okay, here we go.

If you're in a relationship and y'all have been dating for three, four years, girls, I know sometimes it's hard because you're waiting on them to propose and all these things.

If it's been years, you owe it to yourself to have a conversation and say, I need you to define where are we going.

Love me enough to tell me that.

You should date as long as it takes for you to make a decision.

And if it's been two years and they're not making a decision, either you're not the one or they're not mature enough yet.

Okay?

You should date as long as it takes to make a decision.

You should be engaged as long as it takes to plan a wedding.

I love y'all.

You should be engaged as long as it takes to plan a wedding.

Because at that point you've already decided on that person, right?

It's not like you're getting to know them.

You've said you're the person.

So why elongate the wedding?

All you do is get tempted.

Okay, it should be as long as it takes you to plan a wedding.

When I got engaged to Paige, I'm from South Africa, so my parents are in South Africa, so we had two dates that worked, and it was a six-month date and a two-month date.

And we were like, let's do the two-month.

We literally planned our wedding in two months.

From dating to married was 14 months.

Now, does that mean that that's what you have to do?

No, not absolutely, not so these are general guidelines, but what I'm saying is this have a plan.

Why?

Because dating is a process that you move through, it is not a status that you sit in.

Not a status you sit in.

So, single ladies, you owe it to yourself to have a conversation.

Men, you owe it to them to be clear with your intentions.

Please, for the love of Jesus, be clear.

Be clear.

Hey, I want to get married.

This is what we're doing, this is the timeline, this is what I'm thinking.

Lead them in that way.

Single guys, there's a cute girl at Spurra Church.

Join the greeter team.

Every time she comes in, you're like, hey there.

And then you become an usher, and you're like, I'm gonna sit next to you.

You're like that.

That's how you No, no, no.

Be clear.

If there's a girl that you like, go up to her and say, Hey, you seem like an incredible person.

I would like to take you on a date.

Okay, use the word date.

Can I have your number?

And it's okay if it's a no.

Give her a way out.

Okay?

Love her enough to do that.

Don't be weird.

So uh I have dinner reservations for us at six.

Pick you up tomorrow.

It's like don't even ask, you just tell her that's what she's doing.

No, they do that in movies.

They don't do that in real life.

Don't do that.

Girls, honor them enough.

You do not owe them a yes, but you do owe you do owe them honor.

You do not have to say yes, but you owe them honor.

So don't say no and then go to your girlfriends and be like, can you believe it?

He asked me that he's crazy.

Like, don't do that.

Don't do that.

Be intentional.

Brad, do you have a Bible verse for this?

No.

Actually, I do.

First Corinthians 7 25.

Paul says this.

Now about virgins, I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who, by the Lord's mercy, is trustworthy.

What he's saying is this isn't a direct command, but he's saying, I've lived a lot of life, I've done a lot of ministry, and he's saying, I think this is wise.

What I'm saying is this, I think it's wise.

It's not always gonna apply to every single person, but I think as a general principle, after watching relationships for 16 years, I think this is wise.

Okay.

Singles, you have to decide how you're gonna date.

And that means timeline, that also means the process that you're gonna use when you're dating.

We talked about this week one.

You have to build it on a spiritual foundation before you take it social, before you take it interpersonal, before you get emotional.

Dating, you kind of get emotional, and see the little winky face there?

Okay, that winky face that's physical.

Okay?

Marriage happens between the emotion and the winky face.

Okay?

No winky face before marriage.

Okay, that winky face after marriage, okay.

That is the pattern, okay?

The problem is we start with winky face and then we go emotional and then interpersonal and then social, and then we're like, wait, are you even a Christian?

Don't do that, okay?

Set your boundaries, stick to your boundaries.

Marry people, let me talk to you.

Because you're not deciding how to date, but my encouragement to you is that you decide to date again.

Because some of you aren't dating anymore.

The Bible says this in Matthew 19, 6.

So the there are no longer two but one flesh.

Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.

And if we're not careful, kids will separate, schedules will separate, and we'll wake up 25 years later in marriage and we're like, I don't even know you anymore.

Why?

Because you functioned like roommates.

You get all kinds of aspects of a relationship.

You have a component that's back to back.

It's me and you, baby, against the world.

And you get a component that is side to side.

You're like, okay, we're doing this together, you know.

Are you picking up the kids?

Am I picking up the kids?

Like all the house chores.

Like, there is side to side, but there's also face-to-face.

Back to back, side to side, face-to-face.

Some of us, the challenges, all we ever do is back to back and side to side.

And there's never any face-to-face.

And then we wonder why we don't know that person anymore, why we're not intimate with that person anymore.

Because intimacy is this intimacy.

You're no longer face to face.

Go on a date.

It doesn't have to be expensive.

Go on a walk.

But have moments where you can have conversations with your spouse.

Some date night tips.

Put on some cologne.

Girls wear some perfume.

Okay?

I wear cologne around the house.

Why?

Because why would I smell good for you but not smell good for Paige?

I'm like, I'm like, babe, it's the cologne you like.

Like, seriously, like I'm gonna do it at the house more than I'm gonna do it for y'all.

Okay, do some things together.

Go for walks, have fun, watch something, but have times that you're talking.

Literally, this week I was walking with Paige and I started asking her about her time in college, and I started asking questions that I hadn't asked before.

And I was learning stuff about her 10 years in.

I she is still someone to be discovered.

She is still someone for me to explore and be like, I want to know parts of your heart that I've never known before.

Brad, I'm bad at questions.

Great.

Chat GPT isn't.

I already gave you one question that you can ask.

What are three ways I'm blessing you?

What's one way I can bless you more?

Have questions.

Go to the table, have a table topic.

One of my favorite things to do when I'm driving with Paige is I say, give me three things you're grateful for.

Especially when we're in a bad mood.

Give me three things you're grateful for.

And by the end of that conversation, you'll be amazed at what that does for our relationship.

Have them written down, ask the questions, watch what happens.

Okay?

So make sure you do back to back, side to side, face to face, and hopefully the date night ends belly-to-belly.

That's what I'm gonna say about that.

Moving on.

Moving on.

In fact, in fact, next week we're gonna talk about uh sex, so make sure that you're here for that.

If you have kids, please check them into kids' ministry.

Okay?

And if you have a teenage, you're get them here.

Because they're already hearing about this in the world.

They might as well hear it from the word.

But please don't bring in your six-year-old, they'll be traumatized.

We're gonna talk about sex, it's gonna be a great time.

Okay, final thing as we close is this decide that you'll never quit.

Single people, decide that you'll never quit.

I know sometimes, man, it can be hard.

And you're trying to find a person, and and then we get to a place where it's like learned helplessness.

We're like, you're like, there's no one.

And I'm like, yes, but you've never left your house.

Like, there is no one in your house.

Thank God there's no one in your house.

You do not want someone in your house.

You need to get out.

And I say this, man, find, find, find incredible places, life-giving community, join a group, start serving on the team.

Start doing everything you can to actually put yourself in a place where you can meet someone.

That's exactly what Ruth did.

She she placed herself in a place that she was noticed by Boaz.

Okay.

Girls, let me say this.

It's okay to approach initially, but it's not okay to pursue continually.

Some of you are like, man, this guy doesn't just get the hint.

Okay, just say it.

Say it once and then stop saying it.

Okay, and then allow them to pursue.

If you don't allow them to pursue and you continue to pursue, you will enable a behavior that you'll hate when you're married.

It's okay to approach initially, it is not okay to pursue continually.

And then, men, be bold and pursue, pursue, pursue.

Ask.

If you're like, man, this is hard, you're doing it right.

This is difficult, you're doing it right.

You're supposed to pursue.

Guys and girls, be approachable.

Some of you are like, no one wants to date me, but you literally look mad all the time.

She's like, no one wants to approach me.

Yes, because you're scary.

Smile.

Like, hang out.

It's funny, Naomi says this to Ruth.

She says in Ruth 3.3, when she's saying go to Boaz, she says, Wash, put on perfume, and get dressed in your best clothes.

Men, wash.

Take a shower.

Put on some cologne.

Put on your best clothes.

Okay, make yourself approachable.

And then married people, I'll say this: don't quit.

Don't quit dating.

Don't quit, don't quit pursuing each other.

Some of you are in this place and you're on the brink of divorce.

And the reason you are is because you quit.

You stop pursuing each other like you used to.

And we can come to a place where you're like, I'm falling out of love.

No, no, no.

You don't fall out of love.

Love is a decision.

And what you're saying is, I'm choosing you, and I'm choosing you again.

And what could it look like if you pursued them now like you pursued them then?

You're in the brink of it, but here's what you need to do.

You just need to pursue again.

Brad, that's difficult though.

Brad, that's hard.

There's been so much hurt, there's been so much pain.

I get it.

But y'all need to know this when God brought Eve to Adam.

He didn't bring her on a platter and say, Adam, here's Eve.

She's like, hi.

It didn't happen that way.

Okay.

My wife's gonna be like, what are you doing?

He he he didn't bring on a platter.

What did he do?

He put Adam to sleep.

He took, he took it out of his side.

What am I trying to say?

It cost him something.

Don't be surprised when a good, godly relationship costs you something.

It's gonna cost you your preference, laying down your life.

Some of y'all want to quit, and the reason you want to quit is because you got selfish.

And in that moment you need to say, Holy Spirit, can you come?

Can you make me like you?

Jesus, can you make me like you?

And watch your marriage begin to shift.

There is no perfect one, there's the one that you chose, and they're the best person for you.

And when you chose them, they became your one.

Can I get an amen?

Amen.

I'd love to pray for you.

Oh God, I want to thank you for every single person that's here.

For the single people, for the married people.

Holy Spirit, I just want to pray that even in this moment that you'll begin to correct the parts of our minds that do not line up with scripture.

And God, that we'll start to follow you, follow your word.

Lord, that we'll make a decision that we'll be in covenant.

Lord, if we're married, Lord, I pray for strengthening of marriages.

Lord, may you do what only you can do.

While you continue praying, there's people here, and you've heard all of this, and what you've realized throughout this sermon is that you're far from God.

You're far from God.

Let me know, let me just tell you this.

The story of Ruth and Boaz is actually a story of us and Jesus.

Ruth was hitting for a lineage that was failing.

She she wasn't able to push forward.

But what happens is Boaz redeemed her.

Same with us.

Jesus came and he redeemed us.

He gave us a life, he gave us a future.

And some of you are in this place and you've been so far from God and you have no future.

Let me just say this: Jesus came so that you can live life, that you can live life abundantly, that you can have life to the full.

And if you're here and you're not following him, I just want to give you an opportunity to do that.

And if it's you, I just want you to pray this prayer after me.

Just pray it in your heart, say, Dear Jesus, I know that you're the Son of God and the Savior of the world.

I know you came to this earth.

You died on a cross and you were raised that I can have life.

I make you my Lord.

I make you my savior.

In Jesus' name.

In Jesus' name with every head still bowed and eyes closed.

If you're here and you prayed that for the first time, no one's looking around.

It's just you and me.

I would love you to put up your hand because I'd love to celebrate with you.

Gonna count to three.

Here we go.

One, two, three.

If you just prayed that prayer, thank you.

I love that.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

I love that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Awesome.

Hey, church, can you do me a favor?

Can you put your hands together?

Come affirm who just said that.

We love you, church.

And if you just said yes to Jesus, let me just say that is the best decision you could ever make.

And you do have a next step.

We would love for you to let us know and do that by texting the keyword Jesus to 480-485-3405.

We want you to let us know.

And we have a resource that we would love to get in your hands.

It's called You Said Yes.

And it's a 21-day devotional so that you don't have to start this journey with Jesus alone.

And if this ministry has impacted you in any way and you're watching, we would love to ask you to pray about two simple things.

First, pray about sharing this with someone.

You just never know how much a simple share could impact someone around you.

And two, we would love for you to pray about partnering with us financially.

And you never know how much your giving makes this possible for people just like you and all around the world.

So we want to say thank you for the way that you give.

And if you want to do that today, you can head to spiritchurch.co forward slash give.

Well, we love you, church, and we can't wait to see you right back here next week.

And because remember with God, there is more.