Collective Church LIVE // How to Set Your Relationships up for Success // Pastor Drew Milliken

test test here we

go who's amped for groups to get

started the break of the Christmas break

of groups sometimes just feels like

forever right you go through so much and

uh I get I get so eager for groups to

get going again uh the reason we do this

we ask our group hosts to lead with

vulnerability and

authenticity and and that that's our

goal that we don't want to have these

like spir this spiritual hierarchy and

these people who hey they they're the

only ones who really got it figure it

out and they'll speak to you little

people uh if you join their group right

it's this idea of we're going to build

this camaraderie follow me is I follow

after Christ and the closer that we get

to one another the more we get to

discover about ourself the more we get

to discover about uh each other and the

more we get to discover about God and I

want our dream and our goal for this is

for our uh groups to be an uncommon

family where you go these people I'm a

better person because of them and so I

want to encourage you guys to go through

groups but that's really kind of this

this microcosm you're only going to

group once a week or once every other

week and it's kind of kind of this

microcosm of all our relationships the

goal of our

relationships is this this betterment in

this polling of each other towards

Christ likeness

right and that's why it gets really hard

amen and relationships can get so hard

so we're talking about relationships by

Design uh last week we talked about how

our relationships are the greatest

revealers of our true spiritual

condition

that as much as I want to feel like uh I

am the person that I present myself to

be wherever I may be whether it's at

work whether it's at church whether it's

around this friend group the ugliest I

get when I get ugliest around the people

that I'm nearest to that's more

realistic of the nature in the the

status of my own

heart and so I want I I want to dive in

and uh jump right into this but one

thing one thing that we want to do is we

got text questions and I want you guys

to send in your questions

relationships get complicated amen is it

just

me no just me and Laura me and Laura is

it just us anybody else feel like

relationships get complicated right like

I can give some type of relationship

wisdom and advice and then all of a

sudden it's like yeah that's good wait a

second I have no clue what to do with

that in my context of my relationship so

I'm like amen and then I go oh crap I

got to apply that and I don't know how

and so I want to we want to be able

we're going to be doing a panel in two

weeks that are going to be answering as

many of these questions and as possible

and next week I'm thrilled we get the

emotional connection expert in Omaha

come in to speak to us and she also is

my sister-in-law Laura's going to be

coming next week and if you guys you're

in for a treat seriously get a new pen

you're going to run out of ink on your

pen next week it's going to be great uh

but I want to answer some of these

questions so that we have time at our

panel to hit all of them and today as we

talk about dating by Design we got this

question in last week so please text

your questions in during the message at

any point in time throughout the week

please message the and and we'll try get

to as many of these as possible oh

before I jump into this first one

disclaimer we are unfiltered today so if

you got a kid in this

room I hope you're okay with that if not

we got an amazing kids ministry so uh

and you are going to find this at our

very first question our question that

was texted in is what is the Bible say

about sex before marriage is it bad that

I don't want to wait wait until

marriage this is this is so important

that we have to listen the enemy is

talking about sex and if the enemy is

constantly talking about it and the

church decides to be silent on it guess

who gets the

voice we are going to speak about this

because I know the Creator who designed

sex I know the one who designed it to be

both pleasing and M and mult M Ling and

so what does the Bible say about sex

specifically before marriage we got a

whole list of verses can we pull up a

whole bit this is two questions so I

kind of separated them we got a whole

list of passages and if you got

questions even if you're like I've heard

people say that the Bible like what the

Bible says about sex before marriage

I've heard people talk about but uh I

don't actually know like I could not

quote to you a single passage of what

the Bible

actually says about this and how it

should reflect in my life you can take a

picture we're not going to go through

all of these but it's really like

genesis just talks about the design of

of marriage with Adam and Eve Exodus

Exodus 20:4

20:4 makes it really uh unclear and

complicated it says don't commit

adultery that's the whole verse that so

makes it actually really simple uh

Proverbs 4:23 guard your heart Song of

Proverbs 4:23 Song of Solomon 2:7

Solomon 2:7 do not awaken love before

the appropriate time Matthew

Matthew 5:27

5:27 uh don't the Jesus is talking we

got so much I want to I want to dive in

fir 1 Corinthians 6:18 through2 is a is

a dynamite one we're going to talk about

that a little bit later but 1

Thessalonians 43-8 I want to highlight

this one specifically here and answering

this question can we open up 1

Corinthians

43-8 it says it is God's will

that you should be

Sanctified that you should be holy that

you should be set apart that you should

live a radically different life than the

world if you try to come into a

relationship with Christ and live

exactly the same way you're going to

find the same

slavery and we found a savior but we've

never submitted to him is

lord it's God's will that you be

Sanctified that you start walking

through this christlikeness process that

you should avoid sexual immorality that

each of you should learn to control your

own body in a way that is Holy which

means set apart and honorable not in

Passionate lust like the pagans who do

not know God and in this matter no one

should wrong or take advantage of a

brother or sister here's this idea

how do we operate do I operate based off

of my

hormones or do I operate based off of a

higher Divine

calling when I choose to go I don't know

right like I love I I I I I get it when

you say Pastor Dre I get it when you say

and when you're angry I shouldn't be

yelling at people I get that I get that

right uh I get it when you're saying

like hey when you're bitter need to

forgive okay okay I get

that but I don't think you understand

this relationship I'm in I don't think

you understand how uniquely and

differently we are in love and how how

different like and we we've got it

there's there's so much that we like to

make excuses around this topic and so if

you continue to go it says God does not

call us to be impure but to live a holy

life therefore anyone who rejects this

instruction does not reject a human

being but God the very God who gives you

his holy

spirit it's a rejection I will find it's

hard to access the Holy Spirit when I

say God you have all of me except for

this except for this area and he says

relationships are a really big

deal you're rejecting the very holy

spirit that I'm trying to give you and

trying to lead you in and I want to

guide you in this area and this is also

why I there is no advice I hate giving

more than relationship advice you want

to know why because if if I'm trying to

give biblical relationship advice to

someone that's in congruent what you're

what you're currently feeling it's

probably one of the last times I'll talk

to

you I find those people

disappear and I'll try to reach out and

it's and not no no listen you can speak

into the other

areas what are you doing trying to tell

me what I should do in my relationship

in my

time right do we see the in congruency

in our hearts with this stuff how easy

it is and so I want to say if you got a

problem with what I say read that last

verse again take it to God right always

reflect a pastor's words against the

word always look to that if a pastor if

I say something if you hear something up

here that you're like I don't know about

that go to the word of God open it up

for yourself and say God would you speak

to my heart because Drew can speak to

your mind I cannot speak to your heart I

cannot direct your soul that's the holy

spirit's role so uh and then the second

part of the question is is it bad that I

don't want to

wait heck no it is not bad at all in

fact I would say it is good that you

don't want to wait if you are dating or

engaged to someone who you are not

sexually attracted to and you think

that's going to help you in marriage

you're that's a lie right it is it

that's going to that's going to add an

additional barrier to intimacy to

relational and emotional and physical

intimacy that's going to be hard you

should want to and you should say no to

the thing that you

want for a set

time for a period of time there is only

it it's especially in engagement is

really easy to give into the LIE of ah

it's inevitable we're going to be

getting married this is when it's going

to be happening but this is the time

when I I went during engagement to

Morgan I'm going hey I want you to

know I'm saying no to you into us right

now in intimacy not because I don't love

you but because I have

seen marriages strong marriages hit

Rocky Waters hit hard seasons and logic

points toward adultery it makes a lot of

sense don't you know how much I've seen

this I've seen this don't you know how

much your wife is complaining

don't you know how he just doesn't

listen to you anymore don't you you

notice how the spark is

gone you notice how the spark is there

with that person do you notice how they

look at

you do you notice how they laugh at your

jokes you feel how they rub your

arm that's that's what you

deserve that's where you should

be and even if I can reason

that I know what the Lord says about

adultery I know what the Lord says about

marriage and so I'm telling my fiance

and saying I'm saying no now when I know

that I could reason a yes when I know

that I could kind of convince myself

based off my own logic not the word of

the Lord but based off my own logic I

could kind of find my way into a yes but

I'm saying no so that you know when we

hit rough Rocky hard seasons in marriage

I'm gonna be saying no to everyone else

so I can say yes to

you it's a rare tiny short season in the

context of a marriage and a relationship

that's intended to last now keep in mind

all of this God still redeems old

mistakes but I want to tell

you we need to guide and direct our

heart

Hearts guard your heart guide your heart

we don't follow our heart which leads us

into this this whole idea of dating by

Design what I want to talk about today

is how to set your relationships up for

Success if you're single if you're

dating even if you're married there's

going to be a lot of application here

for every single age group but I'm

talking specifically about singleness

and dating today and how to set your

relationships up for Success here's the

problem though if you read the Bible you

will find it says nothing about

dating when you date you

should it doesn't say

that it talks

about a man who goes over to another

town and he goes

you where's your

dad where's your dad there he is Sir you

know how many goats I

got this girl she's like four five

camels she is worth I'm I'm I'm willing

to give you know what what I got a bag

of gold I got okay we in agreement we

good let's go come on

baby it won't work today that won't work

it doesn't apply in our culture that

doesn't work now here's the thing you

can still have god-honoring marriages

they had god-honoring marriages then we

have god-honoring marriages now it's the

it's the foundation that we set up

here's where it comes down to Matthew 22

Matthew 22:36–40

verse 36-40 you've probably heard these

words

before what's the greatest

commandment love the Lord your God with

all your heart with all your soul with

all your mind this is the first and the

greatest commandment but the second I

got to give it you're asking for one I

got to give two the second greatest

commandment is to love one another as

yourself let's move on next slide

where's the where's the verse

39 all right love other

people love others like you love

yourself and then Jesus gives an update

in John 15 and he says hey you've heard

it said love each other as I as as you

love yourself I'm going to give you a

new update a new command I give you love

one another as I have loved you meaning

I've prioritized

yourself over myself

it's so

simple love others like

Jesus but that's so complicated right

it's simple but it's so hard it's so

difficult to do and so what I want to

what I want to talk about the Bible says

a lot about dating without actually

having the today's dating philosophies

in and I've got a couple books I want to

give away Godly dating one 101 uh

discover the truth about relationships

in a world that constantly lies and then

outdated this is by uh JP Jonathan Puda

he is a dynamic speaker he's one of our

favorite that we love to listen to It's

called outdated find love that lasts

when dating has changed who wants one

first people to here we go here we go

right right back here first people to

come up come up and grab it here we go

first come on up come on up here we go

grab whichever one you want there you go

there you go all right

we want to equip you guys for healthy

Godly relationships

okay also the rest of you singles out

there keep an eye on the people that

walked up and raised their hand and like

okay okay here we

go let's go you want to go to Starbucks

with me after how you doing uh all

right it's so much easier said than done

and so how do you set your relationships

up for

success we're going to Jump Right In I

got to keep moving so that we can jump

into and highlight groups how to set

your relationships up for Success number

one number one know

yourself here's the problem when we look

at what marriages marriage that's done

wrong it's because the wedding often

times was done wrong the commitment the

very picture and expectation of why we

got in this relationship and that's

often done wrong because dating's done

wrong and dating is done wrong because I

have done singleness wrong and when I've

done singleness wrong it's because I've

done my relationship with the Lord

wrong and so here's here's what I want

to say

there's it it always starts right here

and and this is why

I this is this is some of the

relationship advice that people hate the

most from me it's the relationship

advice I received and I didn't

follow as a freshman in college my dad

said Drew I want you to focus my dad is

a Godly God-fearing man he's a man in

Ministry and he says Drew I want you to

focus on your relationship with the Lord

your freshman year of college I just

want to direct you not to be looking at

other relationships not to be chasing

any other girls not to be it's really

easy to do that and and there's going to

be girls that are going to be like oh

man let's get married next week right

like and and he's like I want you to set

that year

aside and I said okay

dad then Morgan ruined

it I look over her and I'm

like except for her right God right and

I'll tell you I've been open with Morgan

about this I wish I would have waited

longer I wish that I could have put off

our relationship ship Our dating

relationship by one

year I wish I would

have because I I could see the things

developing inside of me very slowly

because I'm trying to Foster too

dynamically changing relationships at

the same time I'm trying to figure out

what this relationship is and what is it

going to become and I'm trying to filter

through all the things that are good and

bad the things that I've done good and

bad and then I go oh yeah and God like I

really want to follow you and all my

prayers are praying through the context

and the lens of this relationship when I

should be figuring out who the heck is

dating

Morgan who am

I and now here's here's the

problem when when you're in key if you

just got a divorce if you just got if

you just found the Lord if you just had

a season of dramatic change in your life

if you're just walking out of

trauma count the time of your singleness

here's my rule of thumb count the time

of your singleness that you commit to

the Lord in years not days or weeks or

months because it takes so much longer

to change my

heart than it does to change my

action it takes so much I can change my

action I can set my habits and change

them tomorrow but my heart is is so slow

to learn my heart is so slow to change

and when you set this this trajectory of

going no I'm focusing on who the Lord is

and the Lord is first and foremost in my

life in any other relationship I put it

on the Altar and I lay it before him and

I Surrender it to him and that is where

because honestly I love you your radar

for what a good man or woman is what a

godly man it's just not even there I got

to learn how to hear the voice of the

Holy Spirit right before I can hear like

my own like I can hear over my own

hormones and my own excitement and my

own emotions because my heart's going to

be saying yes to the first person that

gives me attention but I've got to

listen to the Holy Spirit of what he's

saying and sometimes it's not black and

white they say yeah I love Jesus and

it's like I I I don't actually

know we got to like I've got to know I

got to be able to discern what's in my

heart because then I can also discern

the difference between what's good and

what's

God and so here's here's what I mean by

know yourself here's the problem here's

the problem with this point you want to

know what the Bible says about knowing

yourself Romans 7:15 through 24 I don't

Romans 7:15–24

understand my own

actions Jeremiah 17:9 the heart is

Jeremiah 17:9

deceitful above all things and

desperately sick who can understand

it you want to know how you H H how you

know

yourself you go to the

Lord and you consecrate a season of

going I'm going to be so radically

changed and so radically in love with

God that this dream person and this

dream marriage that I'm picturing from

my life that they are naturally drawn

and attracted to me because I have been

so transformed and changed that now we

we are mutually in the same not like oh

I hold a value of God but I hold these

things much higher now we're mutually

actually like oh I chase God way more

than I chase you I love him way more

than I love you and therefore I am going

to honor him first in our relationship

in our engagement and in our marriage

and that is the type of relationship

that'll last a long time that's how you

set yourself up for Success you first

set it up in

singleness the the second thing once you

once you

find if you can't find yourself

confident in in who God's made you to be

here's here's what here here's what it

let me go back can we pull up this quote

here's what know yourself means it means

seek God wholeheartedly until you are

deeply grounded and confident in

yourself as a uniquely

gifted and a uniquely weak but an

unfathomable unfathomable L loved child

of

God when I know that's who I am and it's

rooted in him

first it'll change absolutely

everything so once I once I kind of go

through a season of figuring that out

and building confidence in who God's

made me to be because I'll never be

confident in a relationship if I can't

be confident single so then the second

thing is then you got to know yourself

know your

goals know your goals of your

relationship have a higher purpose for a

relationship than just the relationship

I want to be loved uh-uh what's the goal

I had a terrible relationship that in

high school I got cheated on I was so

mad and I said to God you know what God

I don't care I ain't never dating anyone

ever again I ain't never going to get

married and I actually this was after

months of preparation so it wasn't like

this this like just spiteful thing but I

truly ended up going God at the best of

my ability I'm going to say I'm I don't

need it I don't need it and I'm going to

say no to any relationship that I don't

see makes 1 + 1 equal 10 where I go me

and this woman coming together make 10

times the kingdom Effectiveness than if

we ever were apart that's the only type

of relationship I'm going to be

interested in God and would you help

guide my heart in that way

because I know I'm not going to want

to so you got to know your goals and

you're what what you're looking for

because Ecclesiastes talks about how two

are better than one Proverbs 18 talks

about he who finds a wife he who finds a

spouse finds a good thing and receives

favor from the Lord marriage is a

blessed thing is but but if we're

looking it through the lens of dating we

got to look at what's the goal of our

long-term relationship and how do we set

that here so that we can hit the third

part set our relationship up for Success

know yourself know your goals and know

your

boundaries that one's no

fun that one's no fun but if I know the

vision that God has for me and from our

the relationship that I'm in then I can

set up boundaries that are healthy that

are holy if we go back to 1

Thessalonians 4 338 at the it says in

verse three it's God's will that you

should be Sanctified that you should

avoid sexual immorality 1 Corinthians

1 Corinthians 6:18

6:18 says flee from sexual

immorality so what this means sometimes

we think that 1 Corinthians 6:18 says

1 Corinthians 6:18

flirt with sexual

immorality you know that line if he says

don't have sex before you're married

guess what there's that line and I'm

going to like right I'm not Technic Tech

Ally crossing the line we're right there

I don't think maybe I don't know we're

not technically crossing the line here's

the problem your drive is like a train

if you get that sucker going it's going

to be really hard to

stop it's really hard to say no Morgan

just quoted this a couple weeks ago that

in all temptation God has provided a way

of Escape but man I'm make it really

really really hard on myself when I

don't set up boundaries that stop that

train from getting rolling right I got

to make sure I set up boundaries so that

my relationship because I go I don't

just want my relationship to be fun I

don't want my relationship to only be

fulfilling I want those things I want to

have friendship I want but I also want

my relationship to be blessed by

God I want my relationship to have his

favor I want my relationship to

reflect and see impact in

eternity that that's what I want and so

I want to if we can have the keys come

on up this

is th this is where the key to every

single one can we get the three points

pulled up real quick here's the key

factor you want to know how you know

yourself seek the

Lord how do you know your

goals seek the Lord how do you know your

boundaries you'll never

guess what is it seek the

Lord every

relationship should draw me towards

Christ in some

way even if like many parts of dating

and and engagement even of many of these

many of these parts it's something where

I'm like I've got to it draws me closer

to the Lord because I'm putting parts of

My Flesh to death because guess what

happens in

marriage you got to put your flesh to

death death get what happens as you grow

and become more like Christ you got to

put your flesh to death and I got to

take these emotional and chemical and

hormonal desires that I have and I've

got to say I'm not going to be an animal

about this thing I'm going to own and

possess this own this body that God has

given me here's here's one of my

favorite verses with this 1

Corinthians uh 2 Corinthians 9

can we pull that

up 927 I think it is here we

go we got that up there we

go 1 Corinthians

1 Corinthians 9:27

9:27 I discipline my

body my flesh now when I think of this

don't think of literally your muscular

skeletal system think about the

chemistry what your brain fires off when

you start to build an emotional

connection or a physical connection with

someone I discipline my

body and I keep it under

control so that after preaching to

others I myself should be disqualified

there's the verse I got on in in my

workout room at

home because the idea you and not

everybody in here may may be preaching

someday but I do know that God's got a

Ministry for and through every single

one of you that he's got open hand

saying come on will you will you follow

it it's this idea of

I am in

control my spirit my

body is submissive to my

spirit I have chosen Christ over my own

desires I have chosen his will over my

will and when my mind when my heart when

my emotions when that stuff starts to

stir up I say no I know the commitment I

made to the Lord first and I know the

commitment I made to my wife and I know

the commitment that I made to God and I

know that he's got a higher purpose for

me than tonight's fantasy I know that

he's got a greater reason that I am here

I'm in this relationship that I am

existing that I'm breathing right now

he's got a greater call for tomorrow

than I have and so I will discipline my

body and I will say no no to the things

that I want to say yes

to but he has already said no

to this is what I this is what I want to

call us to if we can stand up in this

room I want to ask

us seek God let every relationship draw

you closer to the Lord every

relationship if you are in a marriage

right now that you go man this doesn't

look anything like this and we need to

we need to look at those three things

again can we pull up the three

points take this and apply this at home

in your marriage right

now you don't have to you don't have to

wait you don't have to go a shoot I

messed this whole thing up uh-uh who has

God called you to be if you look at

biblical relationships and marriages in

the

Bible there are some really messed up

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once and God was honored through two

imperfect people coming into a committed

relationship it's not about

perfection it's about knowing who God

has made you to be it's about building a

confidence in that it's about knowing

the goals and the vision that God has

for your life and that God says I'm

going to multiply that and the two are

going to be greater than one the two

together is going to be be so powerful

it's going to be so good 1+ 1 is not

going to equal 2 1+ 1 is going to equal

3 5 10 30 60 hundredfold you're going to

see this thing happen through your life

through your marriage and you're going

to know your boundaries in marriage this

looks very

different in marriage it looks like I'm

going to I'm going to strip back my

boundaries and I'm going to give you all

the codes to my phone I'm going to give

you all the permission to be able to see

everything to be able to see what so

that so that our intimacy can be close

and I'm going to build up boundaries and

the second that I said hey hey by the

way I had this coworker show up at work

today and by the the way that he rubbed

my back I I I just knew he was he he was

interested so I want to tell you husband

in order like to keep this thing like I

don't feel anything but I want to let

you know I'm going to be keeping my

distance and I'm going to hide behind

you when I see when we're together and I

want you to be able to dress it I want

you to be able to defend that I do that

with Morgan

I go

hey I don't

know got a little close when talking to

me and so I'm just going to I'm going to

let you you you do the ministry right

there I'm going to let you focus on that

why because we've talked about our

boundaries we've talked about our dreams

and our desires and what God has called

for us and there's ambiguity and there's

unknown but I do know that God's got a

higher purpose for me than what my flesh

has amen amen so I I want to challenge

us this isn't a deeply emotional thing

but I do want to challenge us right now

to say let's talk about this in our

marriages let's write these notes down

and I got to figure out my own self I

got to go okay God who are you who have

you made me to be am I confident as a

child of God or am I or or or am I

looking for fulfillment in someone

else and then do I know what our

boundaries are do I know what will

protect that'll keep me from getting

right up to that line that'll build

boundaries and hedges of protection so

that I'm not even coming close to that

and I don't have to be afraid of that

and that we can have this thing be God

honoring I want to challenge you guys to

those conversations that's your

application but for some of you

here you haven't even started a dating

type relationship with the

Lord what's dating it's like getting to

know each other at a more intimate level

right and we're we're we're being more

more vulnerable and maybe you've held

God kind of at an arms length maybe he's

been this this this boss you hate as you

kind of picture him maybe you've been

holding him as like this like oh yeah

like I agree with him but I like to keep

him way over there he's the he's the HR

department the head that I'm like hey

right like when I need you I'll come

right when I feel I'm in danger I'm

going to come over here unless you call

on me and now I'm worried right like

this that that's not not God it is this

relationship he's calling us to and I

need to say okay I'm going to I'm going

to choose a

relationship I'm going to choose to step

into a vulnerable relationship with God

and if that's you I want to meet you

right over here by this prayer Banner do

not leave before you meet me before you

meet some of our prayer team over here

because I want you to know you're not in

this alone and we want to help give you

guys some really good first steps if you

need a Bible we got a Bible for you if

you need some what how do I apply this

what do I start doing how do I start

initiating this relationship with a

person that I can't physically

see we want to pray over you we want to

guide you we want to help walk with you

in this but for the rest of us can we

pray let's pray let's bow our heads

heavenly father in the mighty name of

Jesus I just pray right now I pray that

there would be a holy righteous Desire

with inside of us that we would sanctify

ourselves that we would say I refuse to

try and do my relationships according to

my will and my desire according to

whatever chemistry is firing within my

brain whatever hormones are stirring up

within my body Lord instead I discipline

that and I submit it to you and I

Surrender it to you and I say

God would you make every single one of

us exceedingly great as surrendering to

you God I pray our relationship

God I pray

our the the the the single people in

this room would find a commitment to you

higher than anything else God I pray

those in dating and engagement that we

would hold our relationships with an

open hand and say God if it's not of you

would you fix it or would you redirect

us God and that we'd put that on the

Altar and then Lord those of us who are

in marriage Lord I pray that our

marriages would begin to align after

your heart that we would have a mutual

goal Mutual boundaries have a mutual

desire for this relationship rooted in

two people that know themselves in the

Lord Lord I pray that marriages and

relationships would Thrive here that

they would be fulfilling that they would

be exciting that they would be

lifegiving and that because of the

people that we are surrounded with God I

pray that we would be more like you let

it be let it be in the mighty name of

Jesus we pray amen amen come on can we

give a hand for the word of the

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Lord hey thanks so much for watching

today's message our prayer is more than

the words that were spoken in the

message that you would remember the

things that God spoke to your heart yeah

and no matter what it was that God spoke

to you I know that part of your journey

is other people being in a community

because we are better to together so if

you made a decision to follow Jesus

today would you click the link below and

fill out the form this is going to help

us so that we can celebrate with you and

equip you with some tools so that your

next steps are great steps yeah thanks

so much for watching we're praying for

you we're cheering you on we believe

that the best days are ahead of you

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