Get More Out of Your Marriage // Laura Milliken

good morning Collective

church I am so excited to be here today

and to talk about this if you don't know

anything about me this is my favorite

topic relationships and human

connection and I am so so glad to be

here I do feel

some it feels like nervousness today and

not because of my I'm nervous about the

public speaking aspect it's this message

is so

important aside from following in the

Lord and giving your life to him this

marriage and our relationships with

other humans is the biggest determining

factor of the path that our W our life

walks and there are ways to do it well

and there are ways that can make it very

painful um listening to this opening

song talking about how we serve The God

Who raises the dead that applies to our

relationships because if you're in a

dead relationship sh right now and you

know the king who when he shows up he

raises things from the dead I hope that

speaks hope to you today everything I

have to say I want it to be an

encouragement none of this is to condemn

you for anything you're experiencing

right now because I believe that if

you're walking in pain even if you're

the one causing it there is a reason

you're walking in that pain and the good

news is we know the guy who makes all

things new okay you might have heard

marriage talked about 100 times if

you've grown up in the church so my hope

today is that I can give you a little

different perspective because my

background is a little bit different so

I want to come at this from a different

angle a few years ago I went and did a

little bit of a job change and started

getting trained in spanna therapy so I

work with people in a therapeutic

setting um addressing the part of our

brain it's called our lyic system it's

the deep deep layers of our brain that

operate most by far of what we do some

people refer to this as the subconscious

part of your brain its job is to keep

you safe and to remember everything

you've ever been through and try to warn

you from any of those things ever

happening again and it does a very

thorough job at it but sometimes it gets

us stuck so I work in that capacity I uh

in that have studied the science of

connecting the science of how we show up

in life um a few years ago I started a

Tik Tok Channel strictly talking about

healthy human connection and emotional

intelligence and that was a few years

ago so in order to get more and more

content for that I had to read more and

more books and I have kind of taken my

my nerdiness in this subject and gone

deep with it and brought it into what I

talk

about um and then a year ago I started a

podcast specifically talking about this

stuff so Neuroscience subconscious

emotional intelligence that's what we're

bringing to the topic of marriage today

I recognize for as many faces that are

in this room there's that many different

kind of scenarios we have single people

we have married people we have happily

married people we have people stuck in

painful marriages we have divorced

people people on multip there maybe

second marriage third marriage and I

just want you to know I wish I could

address all of those it's a short amount

of time so I know the Holy Spirit has

something for you today no matter what

your story and background

is all right I have have been married

for 15 years to my husband Mason here

and you know thank you you know the love

story when we so we met in uh College

thanks to my mom she's very proud of

that um so we met in college and it was

the love story of all love stories I

thought nobody had ever been in love

like my husband and I before like we had

just unlock something that no one else

had ever experienced I would spend hours

reading my nursing uh studying for

nursing tests in the stinky practice

rooms of his music performance degree

College rooms and I just we were in love

we would stay up all night talking about

our futures and our dreams and finding

more out about each other and it was

just a dream and then that dream led us

to get married we moved to Colorado and

it was just like man how did we get so

lucky but then we had to be like real

live adults we had to get jobs we had to

pay bills um we started having kids

which is a lifelong dream of ours some

the best part of our life but our apathy

towards each other crept in because our

intentionality towards all the other

stuff took

over and it happened slowly over time

our late nights of discovering each

other and talking about what makes us

excited and what hurts our feelings and

what how to connect better turned into a

Netflix episode in an early bedtime

because the baby's going to be up in 2

hours right and you're like you it's

fine it's just for a season well that

season was years and it was here you do

dinner I'll do the diapers you do bath

time I'll clean up the kitchen what time

do we have to be at your mom's don't

forget to bring this to the school

tomorrow um you know let's spend

Saturday we got to get the house cleaned

we haven't cleaned this it we became

task masters of our own lives and our

own house and although he worked from

home and we spoke all day every day we

never said anything to each

other for a long time nothing of

substance at least not that inner stuff

the stuff of like here's who I am how

I'm doing and the reality was years had

gone by I was not the same person as I

was in college I had evolved to a mom I

am a new person he was a new person but

we didn't take the time to get to meet

that new

person so all of a sudden we found

ourselves in a place that felt very

lonely very

scary um and not really knowing how to

get out of it those conversations that

you we used to have when we were in

college felt very awkward and like we

had forgotten how to do

them and it was almost like we were

trying to be at least for me trying to

be go back to what we had in college

what I didn't realize is we had to do

something new we had to create a new

relationship because we were new people

now so we were ready to do that

thankfully he was in it with me both of

us were ready to scrap the marriage that

we were currently in and build something

new together that looked like going to

counseling that looked like reading a

lot of books that looked like practicing

connecting with each other even though

it felt cheesy and awkward and like uh

and I just want to go to bed right it

was work and I remember Mason talking to

one of his friends about this who was

also struggling in his marriage at the

time with loneliness and disconnection

and the guy said nah marriage isn't work

it should just come naturally you

shouldn't have to work at it if you have

to work at it you must be married to the

wrong

person and he said look at us we're

buddies we're friends we don't have to

work on our friendship and Mason said I

talk to you twice a

week I guarantee you that if we were

living in the same same house doing all

of life every layer of it together we

would have some stuff to work through

because relationships take effort but

the effort is so so worth

it today I want to tell you what a Godly

marriage is in case you have never seen

one maybe you grew up and it was not a

Godly marriage that was in your home and

I want to paint that picture for you

because I want you to hear the Holy

Spirit say this is what I have for you

this was my original design for marriage

and then I want to talk about some of

the biggest landmines that take those

things over and kind of kill that

original design for marriage that God

has for

us all right so perfect world

scenario this is uh talking to the men

the Bible does have some stuff to say

about how men show up in a specifically

marriage setting and Ephesians

Ephesians 5:23

5:23 says men are called to love their

bride like Christ loves the

church that is a high

calling like someday men the words you

speak the tone of voice you use the eye

contact the body language the time you

give to your wife you're going to stand

before your Creator and he's going to

ask you how did you Steward this

relationship that I gave you and the

standard you're going to be held to is

Christ it is a high high

calling and it says that we are called

To Love you're called the love like

Christ well Christ laid down his life

for his church he put his everything

aside and laid his life down for our

benefit so that we would Thrive so that

we would have freedom so that we would

have identity and

Authority

okay the Bible also says that you are

the head of the home and the head of the

relationship this is not talking about

I'm the boss you got to do what I say

when I say it because I'm the leader

that has a different term that's called

toxic masculinity in this day and age

this kind of leadership is different

than the world portrays if the world

says leadership is flex make your voice

loud be decisive and strong and hard but

the Bible says this the kingdom we're in

is an upside down kingdom it works the

very opposite of how the world works

and it says that when Christ

came he was our

servant the Bible actually says in

Matthew

20 it says whoever will be great among

you shall be your

servant so if you're the husband in this

home and you are laying your life down

so that your wife can flourish so that

you're creating space for her to have

identity and authority and you are um um

serving her with your time and your

energy and your

conversation you are like the the

fertilizer that helps her

grow and then you do the same thing for

your kids you become this platform this

foundation for your family on which

everybody

stands and it's a beautiful scenario and

families flourish like this men you are

strong you are resilient and you are

natural leaders because God designed you

that way when your leadership is in

under this umbrella of

servanthood it changes your family it

changes our city it changes our nation

imagine if our whole nation was filled

with men who are looking to God

accountable to him and then coming in

service with all that strength and

Leadership to their

family the other thing about this men is

that means you're the leader you go

first so if your marriage is

struggling if you're wife is feeling

disconnected sad

lonely if you're feeling stuck this

isn't

working and you're at a standstill wife

doesn't want to say sorry you don't want

to say sorry wife doesn't want to do

anything different you don't want you

got to go first because you're the

leader Christ is looking to you to go

first be brave show your family what it

means to humble

yourself and to walk out kindness and

love even when it feels like you're

putting your own desires and pride to

the side

okay women we have our own mandate in

the Bible uh Ephesians 5 says women

submit to your husbands and in Genesis

it says that we were created to be his

helpmate now this is his helpmate not

the shove him to the side and do it for

him not the ne him until he does it not

to criticize him until he gets it right

we are to be his helper like the person

who like he was fertilizer us to grow

and be the best version of ourselves we

come alongside him and say hey what do

you need we remind him of his identity

we remind him of his authority in Christ

who he is we're praying for him we're

encouraging him we're reminding him who

he is when he can't even remember

himself like you're becoming his person

his safe place so that when he goes out

and does whatever it is that he's doing

he knows that when he comes home he's

got you and the words that you speak

with your mouth are so so

important there's a quote that I heard

that has always stuck with me and it

says every man has two men inside of him

a fool and a king and the one that you

speak to is the one that will

emerge because women have this innate

ability to create life we create life

with our bodies we create life with our

words and when you call out that kind of

identity in the man that God has given

you that that King

emerges it's like you have the power to

tell him who he is that is a big big

calling men are strong and they are um

assertive but they need someone by their

side reminding them of who they are when

they don't remember it for

themselves when you are out in public

when you are at home in private use your

words to show honor and respect respect

to the man that God gave

you okay so another quote for you

here and I'm going to switch gears

because this is one of my most important

points I want to tell you guys this is a

GameChanger life Cher and applies to

every relationship you have not just

marriage intimacy so closeness the

ability to feel connected with someone

like they're you're ride or die is it

will inevitably bring conflict

right but conflict does not always bring

intimacy even though it's the biggest

opportunity for human

connection okay so

conflict is your because you're a human

number one way to connect with somebody

because it involves emotions and like it

or not it'd be easier if it wasn't this

way but emotions are the number one way

in which humans connect you have to to

have some sort of an emotional something

going on I'm not talking about emotional

Outburst I'm not talking about screaming

and crying I'm talking about heart

connection you have to have that to be

able to connect with someone okay so I'm

going to tell you why conflict is your

best uh fertile ground for connection

but first I'm going to tell you about

the Goins okay Doctor John gotman and

his wife I've got a book of theirs here

that I'm going to hand out at the end of

this they are like the kings and queens

of relationships they've given their

entire lives to studying the science of

human connection if any of this

intrigues you get on their website

you'll get lost for hours it's such good

stuff and it's all research based so

they did this study that they're famous

for they took thousands of couples and

they watched them over two decades and

what they were watching for is how they

handled conflict okay it's inevitable

right it's going to come up

at the end of this study they were able

to predict within

93.6%

accuracy which couples were going to end

up separating and which couples were

going to stay married based off of this

tell there's a tell and Dr John gotman

says if this is present if these are

present in your

relationship is not looking you're not

on a good

trajectory okay uh and what he was

looking for is a series of connecting

behaviors or disconnecting behaviors in

Conflict okay so when you are in

Conflict someone's feeling triggered

There's an opportunity for emotion at

the surface you can have an opportunity

to either connect or

disconnect with your spouse with your

partner at the time okay the couples who

showed five connecting behaviors for

every one disconnected Behavior he put

them in the category of super connectors

they were the people that 20 years from

now they're going to be happily married

with their ride or die weathered the

storm got through all life through at

them and they happy they did it because

they they showed these this kind of

honor and respect for each other even

when tension was high okay the couples

who showed far more disconnecting

behaviors they were the ones that he

could predict within 93% accuracy that

that relationship was not going to make

it okay and of these and I'm gonna I'm

move on to another slide so if you'd

like take go ahead and take a picture of

this um if that's helpful for you but of

those disconnecting behaviors he

identified four that were the most

deadly to relationships and so he

decided to give them the most dramatic

name possible in my opinion he called

them the four henchmen of the Apocalypse

the apocalypse meaning the end

okay these were

criticism stating your complaint about a

scenario as a defect in your partner's

personality this would look like you

always talk about yourself you're so

selfish defect in your

personality um anything critical crit

criticizing your behavior criticizing

your intent criticizing you as a person

criticizing your laziness it's

it's a weed that will grow rampant if

let loose the next one is contempt and

he says this one is the most dangerous

of all of them and it's basically just

approaching your significant other your

spouse as if you are better than them

it's this attitude of I cannot believe

you would do that what is wrong with you

you are such an idiot that name calling

that I am up here and you are down here

okay defensiveness is the next one

defensiveness in conflict is when

something in you perceives that someone

is trying to attack you and your

instinct is to protect yourself so I'm

going to take everything you say and I'm

going to shove it right back at you I'm

G to fight

back I am going to Def excuse me deflect

everything that is said to me I can't

hear any kind of constructive feedback

because I am protecting myself right now

and then the last one

stonewalling I was the queen of

stonewalling I just shut everything down

oh we're in a conflict no problem

because this has no effect on me you

can't talk to me I have nothing to say

about this I'm fine I am great nothing

ever hurts my feelings and I never get

mad about anything so leave me alone

right I hope that sounds familiar to

anyone else other than just me I had to

learn how to undo that training and that

was very very difficult

so I want you to look at this and not be

discouraged I told you I'm not telling

you anything today because I want you to

feel guilty I want you to be encouraged

there's a guy out there that spent his

entire life dedicating his whole career

to figuring out the four deadliest

things for relationships so that we

don't have to all we have to do is

believe him all we have to do is take

all of our energy arm in-arm with our

spouse and say no matter what we are

getting rid of these four things zero

tolerance and when we mess up which we

will cuz we're learning we're learning

how to do marriage differently we are

committed to just apologizing every

single time oh I'm sorry I'm doing the

stonewalling thing again okay give me 20

minutes I need to gather my thoughts I

need to cool down come back in 20

minutes and let's talk about this right

we're learning new skills I want you to

be encouraged that somebody identified

these and it's okay if they're in your

relationship now because you know the

God who teaches you how to do new things

you know The God Who raises things from

the dead and creates newness in us okay

all right so let's get to why is

conflict fertile ground because most of

us if I was going to pull you you'd

probably say uh no it's the exact

opposite conflict is terrible it's

lonely and frustrating I avoid it at all

costs and I hate it and I get it I think

the rest of the world would agree with

you but what John gotman says in his

book here fight right how successful

couple turn conflict into

connection okay so imagine this I'm

going to I want you to totally change

how you see conflict that's my goal okay

on a random Tuesday morning when you're

at home with your spouse and everybody's

just getting ready for work or getting

the kids out the door to school and

you're in task mode there's no

deep potential for connection right

there because we're just doing life all

the things all the emotions they're kind

of tucked down deep

somewhere and you can be kind and it's

but it's not the fertile ground for deep

connection but let's say we're in

Conflict I'm feeling scared I'm feeling

frustrated I'm feeling nervous anything

and my emotions come to the

surface which we don't always get to

choose when that happens right sometimes

they just come up to the

surface here is an

opportunity for my spouse now I could

bring this fear this frustration to my

spouse and he could notice it as an

opportunity to connect and he could just

shower me with all those connecting

behaviors that was on that

list imagine if I came to my spouse and

I

said I'm feeling just so nervous about

this thing um I'm I can't settle down

it's making me doubt everything and I

share and I pour my heart out I get my

my I get up the nerve to share something

very vulnerable with him and imagine if

he met me with wow I had no idea you

were feeling that way thank you for

telling me because I just I had no idea

imagine if he like came and sat down

next to me and he put his phone away and

just like listened and didn't

interrupt and then I explained more and

he's like

so are you saying this he's actively

listening there's this pressure release

valve in me when Mason does that for me

that I'm

like okay I got that off my chest and

somebody like sat in the yuck with it

with me and I felt safe in that

moment because on top of that safety you

do that enough times you start to build

trust in your marriage

again and then you do that enough times

you start to build up that friendship

side of marriage again because what

Mason and I lost in those early years

was our friend

friendship we were we were just not

connecting with each other in a way that

was meaningful in a way that was strong

enough to to tie us together now imagine

if I got up the guts to say something

super vulnerable to my spouse and I was

met with oh not again you do this like

once a month we have to have this

conversation or he rolls his eyes or he

keeps scrolling on his phone never even

acknowledges that I'm

talking that does the very opposite it

creates a Feeling of not feeling safe

and withdraw and like okay I will learn

not to bring my self my inner World

anything real I'll just I'm learning not

to bring that to

you when you paint it like that you can

see why these two columns are so

important in the study that the gotms

did and why they are one of the biggest

determining factors if a marriages last

or

not and I will tell you learning to do

marriage with connecting behaviors

honoring your spouse being there for

them understanding laying yourself down

so you can hear their pain you can

respond to it compassionately all of

this is hard work but it will become

more natural for you the more you do it

and if you had to look at these two

columns again and if you had to guess

which one do you think lines up with the

voice of the Lord and which one do you

think lines up with the voice of the

enemy God gave us free will we get to be

do marriage however ever we want to we

get to show up selfishly or selflessly

we get to be ruled by our anger or we

get to learn Grace and

compassion God will not force you to be

this kind of a

spouse but I'm telling you what it is

also for your own benefit that you learn

to become that kind of a spouse because

in marriage God has a deep meaningful

friendship and connection for you and

you're going to miss it you're going to

miss it if you're stuck

the disconnecting trying to protect

myself trying to make myself more

powerful than you trying to make sure

you don't hurt me it feels safer to be

in that column but it's a lie it's

isolating and it's lonely and it will

only end in more pain God's way is go

straight through it and yes I understand

that this often takes both the husband

and the wife who are willing to obey

Christ in their

marriage when one person is on board and

the other person is not interested in

obeying Christ in their marriage this

Dynamic gets

tricky but I want like I said to paint

you the ideal so that you can see what

God is capable of bringing into a

marriage when both people submit to him

give their lives to him and do marriage

his

way

okay when we talk about successful

conflict I'm going to touch on this just

briefly 1 Corinthians 16:14 says let all

1 Corinthians 16:14

you do be done in love love that could

be the end of my sermon right there if

you applied that verse to everything you

do every conflict you have with your SP

spouse the way you greet them in the

morning the way you come home after work

the words you speak about them when

they're not around if you just applied

that verse that's it 90% of marriage

issues would probably clear up right but

it's the like nitty-gritty the how how

do we do everything in love that's the

part that takes some learning and some

education so number one

if you attempt if you feel a conflict

coming like you can feel the storm

brewing and you gear up to win I'm going

to win this one I'm going to finally

tell them how I feel I am going to make

sure they know that I'm not going to

stand for this anymore I'm going to win

you've already

lost because you're approaching the

entire you're missing the whole thing of

conflict being a point of connection

okay instead I want you to seek to

understand okay the conflict is brewing

the emotions are up at the

surface I am G to try to understand why

you're so upset where are you coming

from because I'm not understanding could

you say that in a different way what I'm

hearing you say is this is that right oh

wow I had no idea John gotman says that

when he talks to his wife in these

scenarios he says I have a legal pad

that I get out and I and I don't

interrupt and I learn about her I learn

learn that the thing that I was doing

that I thought was blessing her is

actually driving her insane and she

hates it and if I would have never

listened to her I would have never

learned that about her he takes time to

write his notes on legal

paper second one is just honor God and

how you speak the words that come out of

your mouth are powerful if I'm the one

expressing a grievance to my spouse I am

responsible for saying it kindly

respectfully in a way that focuses on my

experience and not blames

you I feel lonely when this happens I

feel disrespected when this happens

instead of you always

right submit your tongue to the Lord

take a breather before you get your

heart in a good spot before you bring a

grievance to your spouse be respectful

you'll be held account of it accountable

to it when you stand before the Lord

someday when someone brings a grievance

to you watch your tongue

Get Your Heart Right with the Lord check

in with Jesus before you respond you're

going to be held accountable for your

response to someone when they bring a

grievance to you and then finally be

careful not to let your emotions dictate

your actions okay if you have spent any

time around a toddler you know they have

an emotion they feel an emotion it

dictates their actions right there in

the middle of the grocery store right

they don't have a filter they don't have

a delay

they don't have an ability to pause and

choose something different and that's

developmentally appropriate but part of

growing up and getting out of that

childhood behavior is learning to have

an emotion recognize it oh I'm feeling

heated right now my heart is pounding my

fists are sweaty and clenched I am

feeling some

feelings but

pausing creating space and then choosing

choosing how to respond to this person I

may feel like stonewalling cuz I am mad

and I don't want to talk about it and I

want to shut you out because I want to

punish you for how you've treated me and

I want my silence to feel awkward to you

but I am

choosing to give myself a 10-minute

breather and to come back and talk about

this I might feel like everything you're

saying is ridiculous and it's a waste of

time and I there's no point in me

listening to it but I'm going to choose

because I am growing up I am an adult

who is learning to handle my emotions

better I'm going to choose to try harder

to understand what it is that you're

saying and where some of this anger is

coming from and what it is you're truly

trying to get across to

me now all of this is easier said than

done

right I just painted a lot of really

perfect world scenarios for you sounds

really great but then you get your own

emotions stirred up and you open your

mouth and those four henchmen come

roaring out and you're like whoa I

didn't even know I was going to do that

or say that like the red lights come on

right and you just get triggered and I

want to tell you something about this

this is more where we're talking about

the Neuroscience side of this there is a

reason that you do that and it's not

because you're a horrible person you are

not a horrible

person you have this part of your brain

that is wired to operate in a certain

way and a lot of it comes from maybe how

you were

raised uh things that were spoken over

you as a kid the dynamic of your being

able to have any kind of emotions when

you were a kid with your parents a pain

that you experienced with a breakup in

college your brain registers those as

like red flag this thing emotions

relationships dangerous so we just build

all the walls up right we protect oursel

we get defensive because we're trying to

stay safe and the thing that maybe kept

you safe as a kid is now keeping you

stuck as an

adult okay I'm going to give you um a

small example of

this Susa Q okay she had a dad who just

wasn't around much and when he was he'd

come home he'd sit in the couch and he'd

watch TV for five six hours until the

night was over need to go to bed wasn't

really interested in her or what her

what was going on with her life and

eventually when she was 10 he just up

and left all together

okay now she's married got her own

husband got her own kids her own life

great life great marriage great husband

but occasionally he comes home from work

and he sits on the couch for 10 or 15

minutes before dinner

starts and every alarm in her nervous

system starts going off she freaks out

you don't even care about her family

what do you look at you just sitting on

the couch there well I'm slaving over

dinner you don't even care how hard I've

worked today and this is like a side of

his wife he is not used to seeing but it

happens every time and I guarantee you

she doesn't know why it makes her so

upset but something has registered in

her this visual of a man sitting on a

couch equals a man who does not care

about me is emotionally checked out and

one day is going to leave

me now that's a very specific example

but I promise you if you have any kind

of story in your life like that that has

been unresolved that is still seeping

into our relationships today okay if you

had temper tantrums as a kid and you

were spanked for them sent to your room

punished for having emotions you very

likely learned I will just not have

those emotions and it solves all the

problems I don't get in trouble my

parents don't reject me yell at me

embarrass me send send me away so I

won't be sad anymore I won't be scared I

won't be upset and I'll lock it all down

well now you're married and your wife is

sitting there your husband's sitting

there saying tell me all the feelings

and you're

like there's something deep in you

saying I'm not doing that that unhealed

stuff as much as I wish it wasn't true

and as much as it's hard to believe it

is affecting the way we show up in our

relationships

today but the good news is we know who

the healer is is we know the guy who

brings healing to our past

okay um there's a video that I'm going

to show you in a little

bit and I don't anticipate that you guys

are going to cry when you see it but I

will be honest and tell you I

did and it's a very scientific video so

the the reason for Tears does not make

any sense besides I am a nerd about this

kind of stuff but it is powerful because

what I'm going to show you is a video of

two brain cells connecting for the first

time it's essentially a video of someone

learning something

new it's essentially a video of God

renewing our mind he created us to have

something that the Science World calls

neurogenesis the ability to make

completely brand new brain cells and

neuroplasticity which means even if your

childhood was riddled with pain and

distance and emotional disconnection and

you've marked red flags on all of that

God has given our bodies the innate

ability to renew our

mind yes and our mind is the place where

all these messages are speaking to us

all the things that you don't even know

are in the background I am worthless no

one's going to stick around for me

connecting with humans isn't safe my

feelings are not valid

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uh this person is

dangerous all of those programs you have

running in the depths of your

brain will override your conscious part

of your brain until there is healing

brought into those

places so we got to let the Healer in

God is faithful to renew our minds but

we got to show up to the counseling

session with him right and this might

actually mean you finally go to

counseling for

season it might mean that you get with a

trusted Christian Mentor or friend and

you're like hey I've got stuff to

process I've never talked about what

happened in my childhood I have never

acknowledged that the way that I'm

acting might be because I'm trying to

protect myself and I have pain that I

wish wasn't there but it's been three

decades and it's still there and it's

not going away anytime

soon but I will also tell you this is

why getting in your word is so

important God doesn't say get in your

word because he just wants more rules

for you to follow he knows that the Deep

parts of your brain that are still

feeling like that little child dismissed

and discouraged and shamed and punished

when you were a kid for just having

emotions or whatever it was he knows

that when you get in your word and you

read I am fearfully and wonderfully made

I am worth not only fighting for not

only sticking around for I'm worth dying

for like the king of Heaven if it was

just me on this planet he would have

came and died just for

me and you you read this stuff this

truth this shame that's been keeping you

down for so long and all of a sudden you

read there's no condemnation in Christ

like he got he gets rid of all of it I'm

not condemned and you start to think a

new thought and not just in the

conscious layers of your brain the

subconscious part of your brain starts

to rewire itself

it undoes the pain and the hurt from

what was spoken and done over you before

you begin to believe

God which means you have to stop

believing the other

voices and it changes the depths of your

brain in such a tangible way that I can

show you a video of it because we serve

a God who makes all things new and we

are created in his likeness which means

we can make all things new

we can make our marriage new we can lay

down our pride serve each other in the

way that Christ serves us we can force

our words to submit to Christ and not

let anything come out of our mouth that

is critical or full of contempt or

defensiveness and when we do we

apologize because we're doing life

differently now we don't do marriage the

same way as the world

does so I'm going to have you guys watch

this video here are two brain cells

thinking a new

thought a new pathway for this thought

to be formed the brain needs a pathway

in order for a thought to be

thought imagine this as the thought of I

am worth sticking around

for I'm worth fighting

for I am not held down by shame anymore

and like how hard the Body Works to

fight for us like those those things

look like they have a mind of their own

and they are working hard to find each

other and to connect in this new thought

and then the other cool thing is in this

science part of creating new thoughts

this thought I'm worth fighting for I

don't have to carry shame anymore

because Christ washed it away it's this

flimsy little Connection in your brain

and it's brand new but the more you

think it meaning the more you open your

word the more you meet with Jesus In

Worship the more you let him speak over

you and you think that thought over and

over and over

again that thought becomes literally

thicker faster for that electrical

impulse to travel across and your mind

is literally in the process of being

made

new Romans 122 my favorite verse over

the last few years be transformed by the

r renewing of your mind and don't you

love when science matches up with what

God has been telling us for thousands of

years the other cool thing is the more

you think that thought and the faster

and thicker that that thought process

gets your brain is so efficient it will

recognize that these other Pathways

they're just taking up room now we don't

use them that often the I'm worthless I

I deserve bad things to happen to me I

am shameful I deserve uh people to walk

away we we don't use those thoughts

anymore so the brain will start to

shrivel them up and eventually they can

disappear altogether and your most

natural state is I am a child of God I

deserve to be treated well the pain that

I feel deserves to be heard I can say it

and I deserve it to be met with

compassion I don't carry shame around

anymore because I've been forgiven by

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Christ so I just leave you at that this

let Christ come in let him heal let him

renew your mind your spouse is a gift

from God when both of you are under the

submission of Christ and willing to

serve each other in this way God will

use your spouse to not only bring you a

friend a person to do life

with but also to sanctify you to teach

you things about him that you haven't

learned yet because when marriage gets

hard and it does sometimes you learn to

dig deeper into Christ you learn to draw

from his love instead of your own and

it's worth the

work so I'm going to have Pastor Drew

come up and just pray over us and then

uh I'm not going to do it publicly but

at the end I've got three marriage books

up here that I read in my season of

learning a lot of the stuff that I'd

love to hand out so whoever wants to

come up to me and grab those afterwards

be great