From Dating to Devotion: A Biblical Approach

When we have a pursuit of a husband or a wife even more so, we have to look at the facts

and we have to be surrounded by people that can lovingly correct us and hold us accountable.

We have to keep our heart posture in alignment with God's will and understand the desires

that He has for our future marriage and how that is going to bless the Kingdom of God

and bless it so that the gospel is going to have free course to go on.

First of all, most through the family that you create.

Welcome to the City Light Church podcast.

Thanks for joining us today as we look into God's Word and discover the hope and truth that He has for us.

If you want to connect with City Light Church, feel free to visit us at citylightnyc.com.

That's citylightnyc.com.

Pastor Boyan Jansik and his team believe that the power of the Holy Spirit is already working in our hearts and minds.

As you listen to today's teaching, remember that you are deeply loved by God.

That you are surrounded by His grace and that He has a real hope and a future for you.

My name is Muhammad Wari and one of the pastors here at City Light Church.

Again, we just want to greet you as we welcome the love of God in this place.

Now, I don't want to take any time because we got a lot to go through today,

so I just want to dive right into it. Sounds good? Let's jump into the Word of God.

So today, I want to talk about navigating romance.

I don't know who whistle that that picture, but my wife is in the back. Don't get yourself in trouble.

Even more sounding like a male whistle, so I'm going to leave that right there.

So in today's day and age, it is very difficult to navigate going from being a single to getting a

boothang, to getting engaged, to getting married, and I just want to help a little bit and walking

people through that process. Now, before we take any steps further, married people.

Don't check out. A lot of you thinking to yourselves, well, listen, I didn't got mine, so

what does brunch plan looking like? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because here's the thing.

A lot of us, we weren't instructed exactly on how to get a mate of the godly sort.

So sometimes either you are married to an unbeliever or you are married to somebody who,

you know, with the knowledge that you'll gain today, if you had the right information,

you're probably wouldn't have married. Okay, let me just, and I say that, and guess what,

it's okay. I don't need you to hit the abort button now because you've heard one message,

because even Paul speaks about this. He says, listen, if you are married to an unbeliever

and they are willing to stay with you, you stay because the Lord is able to sanctify your

marriage and your children and your future. He's able to work together for good. Amen?

Now, for those of you who are not married, I just want to give you some steps so that, you know,

you can be successful. Sounds good? All right, so marry people, you've been warned, we'll carve you

up next time. Hopefully we get a part two for this, navigating romance for the married folk.

Okay, so first of all, we don't see dating anywhere in the Bible, so there's this understanding

that as our generations change, so do some of the norms, but we can't take that and be push past

holiness and outside of the will of God into sin. Why do I say that? Well, here's the thing.

With each generation comes a new way of looking at things, but I have to give a little bit of a

pushback towards that and that pushback comes directly from the scriptures. Let's go to Romans 12,

12. Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters in view of God's mercy to offer your bodies as a living

sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the

pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to

test and approve what God's will is. His good, pleasing and perfect will. Again, don't be conformed

to the pattern of this world. You know with me? All right. So Matthew 19, 4 says this, and he answered,

this is Jesus speaking by the way, and he answered and said to them, have you not read that he who

made them at the beginning made the male and female and said, for this reason, a man shall leave his

father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. So then they are

no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together let not man separate.

So we see that the marriage covenant or that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman in

the eyes of God. It's an unbreakable bond. Now, if you're a single and you're desiring marriage,

you're desiring to be in this kingdom union that is going to further the plans of the will of the

Lord on earth and you desire marriage, you desire a good thing. But before we take any steps further,

before we crawl forward, I just have to ask a question, are you a man or a woman?

Pastor James looks real nervous. Where are we going this morning?

Well, here's the thing though.

Don't be nervous. Marriages for men and women, correct? We know this from the scriptures.

Say, amen, church. Okay, all right. The thing is, the Bible does not say that marriages for

boys and girls. So are you a man or a boy? Are you a woman or are you a girl trying to play? Okay,

let me. How about this? Song of Solomon 8.4. It says this, I charge you odors of Jerusalem. Do not

stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. There are many singles today that desire fellowship,

companionship, they desire a kingdom relationship. But the honest truth is they haven't asked a real

question, are you marriageable? Because we know that we want to be with people.

You know your friends that want to be with people. But have they asked the question,

are you where you need to be? Yeah, it's quiet. Because we don't like questions like that,

because that's a question that pokes and it prides and it really gets us to examine where we are in life.

Are you just looking to get with somebody for whatever it is that you think you want?

Somebody looking for pies and thighs in this place?

Are you looking for godly relationship that furthers the kingdom of God?

But the thing is you can only enter into that type of covenant arrangement if you're a man or

a woman if you are counted among the mature. Are you mature? Are you marriageable?

Do you have a whole host of unhealed trauma and brokenness that you haven't addressed and allowed

the Lord in on? Because now you just want to hit your wagon with somebody else with all of your

stuff and just put it on them. Is that what we're talking about?

How do you deal with money? Are you broke busted and disgusted?

Do you mismanage all of your money?

So let me get this straight. You want me to give you my daughter when you are $80 million in debt.

You got the GDP of small countries in debt and you're talking about let me have your daughter.

I'll make sure to provide for both of us.

Would he not going to like me the day past? They're not going to like me the day.

You know why we really got to ask the question, are you marriageable?

Because as someone I've been married at this August, I have been married for 10 years.

Now I wish I could say all 10, I've been the perfect husband.

It's been about...

It was a rocky start, guys. It was a rocky start.

It was a rocky middle where the Lord is shaping me out as we go.

Amen? No, no, I'm talking to her. Amen?

You know, you got to check in. My wife is in the building. Got her.

Okay. She's the only reason she's not sitting in the front because she got the baby in back.

She's trying to be respectful to the service. Amen. You got to check in.

But the reason we have to ask the question, are you marriageable?

Is because marriage is a petri dish.

If nobody ever told you before, marriage is a petri dish that grows the love of God.

Listen, I've been married for 10 years and I've learned from experience

that you are not as all that as you think you are.

You have idiosyncrasies and little ways about you that will annoy the hell out of somebody.

And they got to wake up next to you every day.

And there are things about them that are weird and idiosynchic and it is terrible,

not you, baby. Just, you know, and every day you got to wake up next to that thing.

And it's something about getting into such close proximity with infallible imperfection

that grows the love of God.

That's not for boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. There's a reason why the statistics on divorce

in our country are so terrible in and outside of the church, somewhere above 50%.

Because we believe the lie of this world that says it's a very hedonistic thing.

It's a very consumer culture that says I want what I want and if it doesn't work then I'll go

down the block. How many know that's not marriage? That's not biblical marriage. That's not

covenant before the Lord. When you make a covenant you're making more than just the contract,

you're making a pledge before God that says I'm here for the long run. I'm here for the long haul.

I'm here to partner with you even when I don't like you. Come on. All the married people

supposed to say amen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes that, see all the single people, they don't

really know this part. Sometimes you don't like your spouse because they are them.

They're imperfect humans. You love them. You love them. You are committed to them,

but you don't always like them and the reason why you stay is because you are committed to them

and committed to God. So single people you need to learn this now even before you make that

commitment. You know, they teach you in preacher school and homiletic class that you

should never worry about the sound of the people and I'm not, I expect that everyone

you to be quiet today. Marriage exposes our weaknesses,

but the beautiful part that I've learned about God is he only reveals what he wants to heal.

So when you enter this petri dish called marriage and it's growing the love of God and it is

exposing all of the ways in which you are weak and less than perfect and putting them on full

display because here's the thing. Maybe you've never seen this before, but we hide really well.

You hide with your friends, you hide with your associates, you hide with your co-workers,

you hide with your family. There's certain things you can't hide from your spouse because they

all up in your face every day. That's facts. All the married people know, that's facts.

Because when it comes to friends and all these different relationships outside of the marriage,

you know, it's almost like when you get company over and you quickly hide and throw everything

into the closet. Praise God. Hey, are we heading out? Yes, let's do that. Praise the Lord. I want this

closet to bust open and all my trash come out. And it's not just a physical thing, metaphorically

in our spirit. There's trash. And we hide it up behind a pretty veneer. How are you doing? All

as well. You can't hide that type of stuff from your spouse. Your spouse.

Because when that thing starts to cook up and you start kicking the dog for no reason and you

yelling at everybody, it's like the snickers commercials, hey, you're not yourself.

So you need a snickers. Like you're not yourself. Have you been praying?

Have you been reading your scriptures because they see you and they know you?

Oh, we're going to school you today.

So this ain't for boys and girls, amen?

Proverbs 18, 22 says this, he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains

favor from the Lord.

Lord, the happy married folk, amen? I don't know. I found it. I got faithful.

That's a happy married man. You can tell.

But what it doesn't say is he who finds a booty call.

What it doesn't say is he who finds a friend with benefits.

What it doesn't say is he who finds a baddie.

You don't get the favor of the Lord because you found a thought.

I'll let the young people school you on that one.

It's a THOT that, okay, you Google that on your own time.

No, it doesn't say those things. It doesn't even say he who finds a girlfriend

finds a good thing. But wait, this scripture is specifically speaking to singles.

It's speaking to a single man saying he who finds a wife finds a good thing.

So there's something that's profound that the Lord is teaching us through this verse.

You need to be a wife even before your husband finds you.

You need to be a husband even before you're married.

There's a measure of maturity and selflessness that you have to enable just embody

before you even get connected with somebody.

Your husband, your future husband, he doesn't need a girlfriend. He needs a wife.

Oh, you ain't saying nothing church.

You need to put yourself in reconstruction mode.

Lord, do it. That should be every one of our prayer. Lord,

do it. Let him operate on you. I pray that we would have a generation of men and women of

God that would say, enter my home. I'm not locking any of the doors. Come into the attic.

Come into the basement. Come clean and sweep me out. Because let me tell you, the Lord knew he

wanted to bless me with a wife, but I was a boy. And he had to come and take some desperate measures

and start cleaning things out to make me a man. Because the last thing you want to do

is take the purpose, the will, the calling of God, his precious child, and have it connected to

a deadbeat that's going nowhere. An immature person that is only going to look for self,

marriage is all about selflessness, not selfishness. And I'm not trying to discourage you,

nor dissuade you from marriage. Marriage is amazing. All my license holders, would you testify?

So how can you be a wife or a husband if you've never been married?

Well, you have to lean on those who have been and are in healthy marriages.

Let me read you something from Titus chapter 2. But as for you, speak the things which are proper

Titus 2 · chapter mention

for sound doctrine, that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith,

in love, in patience, the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers,

not given to much wine, teachers of good things, that they admonish the young women to love their

husbands and to love their children, to be discreet, chased, homemakers, good, obedient to their

own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. Likewise, exhort the young men to be

sober-minded in all things, showing yourself to be a pattern of good works,

induction, showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned,

that one who was an opponent may be ashamed having nothing evil to say of you.

No, sometimes you gotta let the word sit and let it say la for a minute.

You need to be in a place of humility where you would actually depend on those that have gone before

you and actually look and glean from those that are doing it successfully. Listen, you hate your

wife, I'm sorry, I probably don't want to hear from you. If every time I talk to you, all you have

is something negative to say about your wife and it's never about you and your ability to bring

something to the table to bring a change. Praise God. I want to hear from people that have been

married for many years, they're seeing the ups and the downs and they've weathered that storm and

they showed true commitment and they show that God's grace is able to take what was broken and

hurting and lost and bring out treasure. Because listen, when you're married and it's the will of God

and his spirit is there in the midst of those two people, it can feel like heaven on earth

or it can feel like torture depending on how much you let the Lord in.

All right. So as a single, how do you navigate in the world when the Bible tells us that there is

no such thing as dating? That we should just marry. This is what the Bible says, be married. It's

better to marry than to sin. But it never says how to get there. How do you meet people? What do you do?

So there's dating as the world knows it and then there's biblical dating, which is not even called

dating, it's called courtship. And I want to just give you a little bit of a glimpse of the two and

then we can practically put some legs on this thing and walk you through how to get from point A to

point B, am I? So worldly dating as we know it is nothing more than veil divorce practice.

Yeah. What we know of today as dating, oh, I meet you nice. Let's go out. We spend time together.

I pour in my emotions. I pour in my time, my effort, my energy, and then I start giving you

pieces of me. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not veiling it. I'm talking about you start living together,

you playing house, you sleeping together, you're giving every part of yourself because what you

thought was just a physical thing, the devil lied to you. Did you know that God created sex?

Sex is not a creation of the enemy. That's God's. He made that in heaven. Oh, man, you...

I don't know if you're not doing it right or just... Sex is awesome.

That'll be another message for another day. We'll talk about... All right. I'm getting in the weeds.

Sex is God's idea.

But he knows because he's the one who created it. It was only designed for covenant.

I'm going to spell it out because sometimes people live in this innuendo place where they're not

really speaking about it openly. Fornication, premarital sex is sin. That's not preached enough. That

truth is not heralded enough from the pulpit. That's sin. You find yourself casually sleeping with

somebody outside of covenant. That isn't your husband and it isn't your wife. You my friend

are in sin. You have missed the mark. That is not God's best for you. We don't understand because

we think and I understand our society is propagating this lie. It's just the physical thing. It's just

something that you can do. It's not just the physical thing because it was created by a very real

and spiritual God. Sex involves body, soul and spirit and there's a connection on so many

different levels. It was meant to make two, one. So when you only have a misunderstanding of what

sex is and you think it's only just this physical connection, you end up giving pieces of yourself

to somebody else and when it's over because there's no commitment, you're broken and you're hurting

and you're wondering why. I was with someone so three years ago and I just can't go on.

You can't go on because your soul is still attached and you got soul ties

because you thought it was just physical. You thought it was just fun but I'm a moment.

You know there are people who do object lessons and things like that and I won't bore you with

doing one but there's one that I saw that made a lot of sense and I wish more people would be

hip to it. This person took two pieces of heavy duty cardboard and he took them and he took

industrial strength adhesive and he bonded them together and he gave it time and they were fused

and then he got two really strong dudes and he said hey I need you to separate these things

and it took it took some doing but fun because at first they couldn't it just it was

industrial strength adhesive it was too strong but then they started to be a ripping they started

to be a tearing the two were separated but do you know that it was not a clean break

there were pieces of this side on the other side and there were pieces of this side on that side

now imagine we're talking about the sex union outside of marriage so now you're connecting

with someone and you think that it's only physical but yet when there is this divide and there

is this cutting off pieces of your soul are left all over the place you're wondering why you feel

so broken why you feel so separated and torn apart when the Lord desires and calls you to hold

this because you're doing something out of order and out of the alignment sex is amazing

but it's only amazing because I have a license and I have a license with the other person

that I've committed myself to our life groups are doing letter to the American church we're

learning how to stand boldly on truth correct here's a truth that's not widely spoken if you're

engaged in premarital sex stop for your own health for the health of your future for the health of

your your future spouse amen brightly colored preacher

if you look up the actual definition of dating it says that dating means different things to

different people particularly across generations and this is what we see as our generation continues

to change and evolve in simple terms dating can be defined as two people in an intimate

relationship unfortunately though we look at modern dating today it includes more than a few

things that are just not biblical dating with no intention premarital sex selfish

hedonistic pleasure seeking with no thought for the other person so when you date without intention

you're never looking for something specific in your partner and what that devolves down to is

you're only looking for the fulfillment of self and the fruit of that turns into many nasty and ugly

things you you start to debase the person and don't see them as a person they're just an

object for your satisfaction it is no longer about sacrificing for the betterment of the whole it's

only about feed my own pleasure can you see how that is negative and broken and twisted and from

the pit of hell but that's not the the way that they package it and sell it to you you can't

buy milk from a commercial today without somebody trying to sell you sex

I pray that the Lord would give us eyes to discern and see what really is happening in our culture

they're looking to destroy us through self satisfaction this is a very base example and I just

know it because I'm acquainted with food but if I'm out and about and I'm going through my day

and I snack on things all day instead of waiting for the dinner that I know is going to be at home

that will satiate and satisfy me by the time I get to that dinner when I get to it I might not

even really want it because I'm already full off of nonsense how many of us are filling ourselves

up on things that don't satisfy so that when God finally does bring you the thing he brings you

the satisfaction he brings you the relationship he brings you that man or that woman of God you have

so warped and twisted sex his creation through masturbation through addiction to porn then when

you finally get the thing you don't even know how to treat it oh man I'm free I'm pranking right now

pass the James oh Lord hallelujah when we are courting with intention towards marriage we start paying

attention and looking for a kingdom spouse we start looking for someone that is going to help us

fulfill the will and of God and the calling of God on our lives do every one of you know that you

have a calling of God on your life and it's not just to be a preacher a pastor evangelist it's

he no you have a calling as a Christian to be where you are in your market to be God's child

everywhere that you go you are meant to be an evangelist of sorts because you get to share

who God made you to be and the gospel comes out of that when you get with the wrong person

because you're only looking with parts and not your spiritual eyes you can detract and destroy

the purpose and the calling of God God gives us this instruction for healthy relationship leading

to marriage second Corinthians 614 it says do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers

for what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness and what communion has light with darkness

do not be yoked together with unbelievers right so we hear that and we think

well I'm Christian he's Christian he goes to my church I can't tell you how many times well

meaning Christians they drag some unbelieving douche into my office going hey bestima look what I

found would you give us some premarital counseling so we can get our license

no no no no no no not being unequally yoked or being equally yoked is not just

well they're Christian they believe in God no no do they believe in your God

do they hold the convictions of the scripture that you do do they stand and trust and know

that Jesus Christ is Lord there is no other means for salvation other than him

that's where we start it's not even where we fit that's just the the bedrock bottom line of where we start

don't settle oh I feel that in my spirit some of you singles don't settle don't settle just because

you're lonely and you're tired and you are hungry for pies and thighs because what God has for

you is better than what you're trying to settle for I guarantee you

so again this looks like actually serving the same God sharing the same convictions

because we have to be honest not everybody in church is actually saved

what now you messing me up right now but what would you talk about no no no everybody here within

under the sound of my not everybody saved not everybody actually has a relationship with Jesus

they come to church that's great we are on the road there's a gradient of faith we're working you out

and man you see my wife my wife is not at the pulpit much she doesn't talk much she will pray

the crazy off a devil that woman has a relationship with God when I'm sick and I'm hurting and I'm

a man so when I get sick I turn into a little baby look at that it's like just headache when I'm in

that place she can come because she's filled with the spirit of God and she knows the word of God

and the anointing that she carries and she comes by faith and she lays hands and releases the

presence of God and she casts that baby spirit off of me and healing arises and all the women said

amen you know what it also takes to it takes accountability because we're talking about being single

getting to marriage getting the right tools to get where we want to go so you have to have

accountability because there's something about when emotions rise when you meet somebody and you

like somebody that actually causes you to be insane they say being in love in direct proportion the

type of endorphins that are released are the same as being crazy there's a couple things in life

that produce this effect large amounts of chocolate being in love and being insane so when you meet

somebody and you're in this place of only others what amazing you don't even understand like they

just look the part they just sound the part it is just so good just no no in that moment that's

why I'm gonna need you to get around your friends and go hey what do you think because the problem

comes with many of us are not in a place where we would even open ourselves up to that type of accountability

if we're honest we just trudge along making decisions running headlong into walls and upset that we have migraines

that wasn't fun

Jeremiah 179 says is the hardest deceitful above all things in desperately wicked who can know it

when we are attracted to people and endorphins or racing and emotions are high our view of certain

things and certain people can become distorted and when we have a pursuit of a husband or a wife

even more so we have to look at the facts and we have to be surrounded by people that can lovingly

correct us and hold us accountable we have to keep our heart posture in alignment with God's will

and understand the desires that he has for our future marriage and how that is going to bless the

kingdom of God and bless it so that the gospel is going to have free course to go on first of

the foremost through the family that you create

all right so I'm gonna really close with this one because I want to give you some practical steps

for what this looks like because so often we hear people go we're waiting on God I want a

relationship I heard the message I'm not gonna just be out here selling myself anymore praise God

what do I do next I want you to wait on the Lord okay

am I done waiting shut up no waiting on God is not this passive thing that means I'm gonna

stand here in this one position like this no waiting on God means I'm gonna actively participate

in this act of preparation because you're not just waiting on God no no I need you to think of

it more like you are waiting on God oh gotta get my white towel make the look complete

what you got for us today Lord what would you like today Lord would you like some

consecration Lord would you like some holiness today Lord would you like oh no oh you want to

operate on me today okay Jesus well let's do that oh you want to prepare me for that person

that oh okay I hadn't signed up for that but you know what I trust you Jesus oh you you want

to touch my trauma oh okay Jesus yeah no no do it do it Lord because what you're doing is inviting

him in allowing him to fix all the things that keep you from getting the good things that he has

because for some of you God has already put some good things in your life and you've scared them away

with your crazy because you haven't allowed him to heal it

there you are praise God all right practical steps number one am I actually

manageable when I go to the Lord is he giving me the thumbs up like hey you should get out there

and start looking or is he saying get back in the lab I got some more work to do and it's okay

to be in that place I here's the thing God redeems the time as much as we think come on Jesus I'm

getting older I gotta go my eggs and stuff come on we we we we guys like I got you I got you

he can do it what you thought would take 10 years he can do in two weeks

so am I actually manageable am I actually running the race do you have a real relationship with

Jesus is Jesus the Lord and Savior of your life not just Savior but Lord are you submitted to him

looking for his will see the thing is when I met my wife I wasn't looking for my wife I was looking

for Jesus I was running my race every one of us has a unique race and calling of God I was getting it

to go soldier for the Lord burns in the castle I'm keep going I'll let you Lord I was a Bible

thump when I first got saved get saved I was throwing a Bible like a grenade

something funny happens when you start running your race for the Lord you start to realize real

Christians and freight Christians and who can't really hang when I was running there was a lot

of attractive girls in my church I start running and they start falling behind and I'm looking

around like not all the girls Jesus amen amen but dogs up here he's it just keep focused on me all right

I'm a trust you Lord but I know you don't go that way so all right Jesus and I start running and I

keep running for the Lord and then lo and behold one day I met this woman and I didn't I didn't

notice my wife because she is incredibly attractive she is but that's not why I noticed her

I noticed her because the first day that I met her the preacher couldn't even preach because of her

here it is a pastor he's preaching his message and he just stops with the burden of the Lord on

his heart and he says hey ma'am I'm gonna need you to stand up he's like I've never done this before

but I just got to any begins to prophesy to her the clearing you're gonna be a member here you're

gonna help us launch one of our churches here you know me I'm in the back with the creeper smile like

what is happening here because I'm in the back and she's in the middle and I'm just like yeah

I need to meet her

and you best believe after the service done I was like hey my name's Muhammad

praise guys nice to meet you you know I know you're gonna be joining the launch team just

sooner you know look forward to getting to know you

so as you're running your race you get to look to the left and look to the right and see

who's keeping pace that's important you want to be equally yoked right stop trying to save people

off the street so they could be your boyfriend we not big game hunting that's not what the Lord

meant save get people save because you want to see them get saved if they happen to later bear fruit

hey praise god stop gun mmm let me go right down to that planet's fitness they look good and now

yeah anybody want some jesus

so run your race be manageable run your race look around as you run and see who's keeping pace

here's another one community is gonna be super important right now

getting to know people because remember you're not just waiting you're waiting you're serving

it's important that you get around godly people who are doing godly things for the sake of the kingdom

because you get to learn and see people and interact with people without the awkwardness of a date

listen I didn't take my wife out on a date for a really long time

we went out all the time though but as a group

so so so all of these outings where you see like after church like hey you want to go get some lunch

down and such and such just know there's people watching you they got some intentions on you

I definitely did we was going out to lunch I was like hey hey you need go ask Tiffany if she

want to go down to the pigly wiggly with us oh you're going down a butcher bar huh pig beach yeah

just ask if she wants to come so I'm not going to ask myself that looks thirsty

and now now here's the kicker though I knew I liked her but I wasn't going to put her under the

pressure of having to make her feel like she's on a date you know what I want to get to know you

in a safe environment so we're going to go out as a group we all going to have a good time

you not my date I'm not your date we are as brothers and sisters all together now it just so

happened that every time we went out it always happened to just be me and Tiffany talking one on

one despite the fact that they were 30 people with us and you'll get to see people and you know

why I like it too you get to see things that people hide because when you like somebody and they

like you you put on your best face but there are certain things that get through how do you treat

people that can't do anything for you how do you treat the waiters how do you treat your friends

how do you treat your mom and your sister the listen courtship is a fact finding expedition

it is nothing more than I'm trying to figure out can I commit the rest of my life to a stranger

because despite how much you think you know somebody you still don't know them and how do I know

this because I've known my wife for 10 years and for 10 years the Lord has taken her from glory to

glory to glory and she's ever changing so it'd be ludicrous to think that I know her completely

she's just learning some of her as the Lord reveals it to her amen so I'm just trying to gain

enough information to make a quality decision but I want to do it in a safe environment

so I'm going to go out in groups we're going to have fun in community because there's also

accountability too because if I'm the weirdo who's always hurting people and not healed

the word will get out in my community hey sister I know you're new to the church and all

but uh you see brother someone so over there I know you and him are scheduled to go get some

pizza I'm going to need you to relax because uh he's going to put you in a minivan and he's going to

take you somewhere your reputation will proceed you good and bad like oh wow you went so and so

going out we don't have any minivan people in our church thank God just in case

all right so now in community you you you've gained a sense for you've gotten to know people you

figure out okay I I like this person I've seen good fruit now how do you measure good fruit

you're not just looking at their physical features you're opening the scriptures and you're comparing

what you see in the word to what you see in them you know what's a good measure of this I need to go

to the pastoral epistles go to first and second Timothy go to Titus see Paul gave him the

descriptions for how to choose leadership and really what he's saying is these are how you secure

mature Christians that can do the work of the Lord it's not to say that the person that you have

to be with has to be in leadership but they should be displaying the mature characteristics listed

for the leadership so now when I get with my wife and I see that there's a calling on her

life and I see that yes she is a baddie I now open my word and go okay integrity character hard work

mm yep and she's passing all the checks so now once I get past that place it's time to move on

to the next stage the next stage is called the coffee date you might say the coffee date what's that

well here's the thing the coffee date is when I want to get to know somebody more in an individual

setting outside of the big brunches that we all doing after church amen I need this to be a one

on one I need to see how you really interact if if there's a spark do you like me as much as

I like you or am I just being creepy and the reason why I say a coffee date because a coffee date

is determined by how much you want to be there man sister so-so yo thank you so much

I'm gonna see you want to send let me take this to go

but sometimes you get a coffee date and you are so engaged your coffee gets cold you mine

switching this out and a coffee date could turn into lunch and a lunch could turn into dinner

and a dinner could turn into you know I really enjoy your company is it okay if I proceed to the

next step and make it clear that I just individually I just want to get to know you would you be my

girlfriend ah so so there are steps to this thing again the coffee date gives you the ability to

get to know someone individually without all the added pressure of well I need to spend money I

need to pour out my heart I need to do all these things that it's not this season because if you do

some of these things too fast you're gonna get yourself in trouble stop sharing every part of your

heart your dreams your emotions with people and you just met them two days ago

because you're gonna end up in a place over sharing and then overgiving and not everybody is

worthy of that so now after I've had my coffee dates after I've been in community we proceed and

now she's my girlfriend hey boo again fact-finding I'm only in a relationship because I need the facts

who are you where'd you come from is your relationship with God real or are you just a

pretender coming to snatch up eligible young Christian men like myself I need to know what do you

well I'm here for the glory of God all right that sounds great let's see the fruit let's let's

check under the hood how's your relationship with your family oh they all hate you okay

listen if a man mistreats his family and they all hate him you need to worry about why they all

hate him same thing for the females she doesn't respect her father she spits in his face every time

she sees them she can't respect that man the likelihood that she respects you enough not to

spit on you is low I just there's so much truth here and I feel the tension as people's

minds are being blown but praise God we need to know how to conduct ourselves in the house of God

now once you get to that place where you've been dating this person dating really courting and you

figure out because for me I can tell you the day it happened for me I did the whole group thing

I did the coffee thing I let a life group with Tiffany well really she acts me to lead a life

group with her and I told her no I said but I'm still coming now and before the life group

started one day she leaned over because I was early because I wanted to spend as much time with

her as possible she says hey will you pray with me for the success of this group inwardly I was

out really I was just like yeah yeah let's do that and it was at that moment I decided I will

marry this woman Jesus because she had such a reverence and a love for God and his people

that it secured she had all the other intangible stuff she had the majority the integrity

of hard work all these things and she's a baddie she had all those things and then on top of it she

was a lover of Jesus I was like I'm done I don't know everything there is to know about her but I've

made the decision that I can trust enough to go forward because God is with her and anything that

she could have negatively he will protect me from and I made the commitment and I asked for to be

my wife at service no less she said yes it's been a sad story if I go through all of it and she's like

ah maybe like now she said yes here's another thing we went from engaged and we got married months later

I I have to emphasize this before we close there is no specific time limit on all of this stuff

I need you to be wise about that I don't encourage engagements that last three and four and five

years no I feel like you should be engaged as long as it takes to plan a wedding successfully

but the other pushback to that is understand with every one of these phases once they're over

they're over so there needs to be a certain level of understanding and awareness of where you are

and enjoying that place because when I was dating it was different from when I was engaged

when we got married that was different from being engaged when we had kids that's just a whole

another story so take the time and let God give you the wisdom for when to take the next steps

through sound counsel Bible says there is safety in a multitude of counselors amen

was this good for you church is bless you I would say the most important thing in all of this is

to rely on God when you know who you are in Christ and you know you're according with intention

and knowing what God desires for you in relationship things become so much clearer and that

clarity partnered with faith it takes you where you need to be in God and brings the right person

to you and makes it so that you won't fumble the bag let's pray father

Lord we are so grateful that you have blessed us so that we can have relationship in you

give us wisdom give us the grace to be meek and humble and teachable so that we can lean on those

that have gone before us in success work on us Lord make us marriageable give us the grace

Lord to take this next step in our lives bring us the right people at the right time at the right

season that we're not anxiously pushing for things that are out of order and out of time

give us the grace Lord to be husbands and wives father I ask you in Jesus name

this is the city light church podcast if you've missed any part of today's message

or if you would like to find out more about pastor boy on janskik and city light church visit us

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we would love to connect with you we pray that you have been encouraged today that you have been

reminded how much God loves you and that you are surrounded by grace thank you for listening

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