Sunday Sep 6th - How to Handle Conflict Like Jesus

Um, I want to invite you to uh text me during church today, okay?

Uh now don't get distracted with your text messages, but there's a number on the screen.

It's not actually my phone number, but it is a actual an actual phone number.

It's not gonna have your name on it, but during the message today, maybe a question is going to come to your mind, and I want you to text that question to that number.

Now, here is one big caveat.

It has to be about the topic of the sermon.

That's all I'm asking.

Just make it remotely associated with the sermon.

We may not get to your question, but I hope we get to your question at some point in time.

Now, today is a topic, today's topic is one that everybody can relate to because it's how to handle conflict like Jesus.

Now, I asked my wife to sit on the front row because she's going to take lots of notes and then help me learn how to handle conflict like Jesus.

Amen.

Matthew chapter 18, beginning in verse 12.

Matthew 18 · chapter mention

Jesus says, Now what do you think?

If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them has gone astray, doesn't he leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?

If he finds it, truly I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.

So it's not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

Now, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between the two of you, and if he listens to you, you've gained your brother.

But if he doesn't listen, take one or two others along with you that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.

And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.

And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a gentile and a tax collector.

Then Peter came up and said, Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive him?

As many as seven times?

And Jesus said to him, I don't say to you, seven times, but seventy seven times.

Just pray with me, dear Jesus, speak to my heart.

Change my life in your precious name.

Amen.

A hundred years ago, I was a youth pastor.

And there was one survivor.

I mean, there were hundreds of teenagers running around on Wednesday nights.

Wow, man, you remember.

And I remember my last night, and um one young person came up to me and she said, Pastor Tommy, I forgive you.

And I was like, what did I do?

What what I could I was racking my brain.

I'm like, I have no idea what I did.

And she said to me, Well, it's just that you treat everybody the same.

And I never felt like you really treated me like individually, like how I wanted to be treated.

It's like, this is my last night, like the U-Haul's packed, you know?

This this girl had been in the youth group forever.

And I had two thoughts go through my mind.

And the first one, thankfully I didn't say, and the first one was like, toughen up buttercup.

And then I let that one go.

And the second thought was like, I just wish you would have told me sooner.

I just wish you would have like here we are at the end, and now it's like I'm about to leave, and now we're good.

How long had she carried that in her heart?

How many times has she watched me greet everybody else and wanted just to have a one-on-one conversation with me, maybe?

I would have done it if she would have asked.

I'm not blaming the victim, I'm not victim blaming, okay?

Not victim blaming.

Don't cancel me.

I'm just saying, I kind of wish, I kind of wish she just would have said to me, hey, like, do you see me?

And not only would she have felt better, but I would have become a better pastor to her.

And I think that's kind of what Jesus is getting at here.

You know, there's sometimes when when people sin against us that maybe they don't even know that they sinned against us.

You ever done something to somebody and they just kind of ghosted you for a long time, and then eventually they finally spilled the beans about what was going on?

And I think Jesus just wants us to be able to figure out how to reconcile.

There's a lot of tension in the world today.

And it seems to me, whenever people clash, a lot of the times that rather than just disagreeing and re-engaging, we disagree and we disengage.

But there's a way as Christians to be able to disagree without disengaging.

And so Jesus says, if your brother sins against you, go to him and him alone.

Now it could be sister.

If your sister sins against you, go to her and her alone.

And if they listen to you, then you've gained back your brother or your sister.

Now, we have some recovering Baptists in the room this morning.

I'm also a recovering Baptist, and I'm praying about becoming Baptist again.

I don't know.

It depends on how the sermon goes this morning.

Maybe you'll become Baptist again.

We never know what's going to happen.

I love the Baptist.

The Baptist Church is kind of like Atlanta Hartsfield International Airport.

Everything goes through there.

Sometimes you're there longer than others.

My dear friend Pastor James Ross texts me every Sunday morning from the Baptist church and says, Hey man, I'm praying for you.

How cool is that?

That the Baptist and we weirdos are friends.

Isn't that cool?

You know?

I love those people.

Well, in the Baptist church, whenever I would go, occasionally, they would call one another brother and sister.

You remember you ever been to one of those churches?

Brother and sister.

They say brother Tommy.

Sister Liz.

Well, Liz wasn't with me back then.

I had a different girlfriend, but sister, you know.

We probably should talk one-on-one afterwards, should they mean?

Why would they use brother and sister language?

They were trying to say that it's a family.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a little weird, isn't it?

Brother such and such.

It sounds a little religious, like a it tastes like mothballs, but I mean it's it's not bad.

It's not bad.

We're trying to say, this is my sibling in the faith.

And so Jesus, it's really important to notice here.

Jesus is talking to people who are his followers.

So they're in the family.

And he's saying, if you're part of the family, this is how you're going to learn to get along and to make up when you break up, so to say.

So the whole context here is family.

So he begins.

Listen to this.

He says, if your brother or your sister sins against you, then you go to them.

You go to them one-on-one.

You go to them in private, one-on-one.

And I hate that.

I don't like that at all.

In fact, I like nothing that Jesus says right here, if I'm completely honest, because it's not convenient.

Like if somebody sins against me, I feel like they should come and talk to me about it.

After all, I'm the victim.

So why do I have to go to you if you sin against me?

Makes no sense to me.

I don't like that.

Jesus says hard things.

And I don't always like them.

But usually, more times than not, unless you're the one to initiate something, even if you're the person who didn't do anything wrong, nothing's gonna happen.

When you tell someone that they've wronged you, you open the door to reconciliation and you do this one-on-one.

And I like this even less.

Because when someone sins against me, after I'm done trashing them on Facebook, I want to tell other people about what an idiot they are.

Is it just me?

Is it just me?

No?

How many of you, whenever you're wrong, your first impulse is not to go to that person, is to go to other people and say what a knothead they are.

It's to test them and you won't believe what such is such that.

It's to send a DM.

It's to drag their name through the gutter.

I don't like, I don't like what Jesus says here.

Why don't I like it?

I don't like it because I don't like confrontation.

Sometimes, actually on Tuesdays, I do like confrontation, but most days I don't like confrontation.

And what's the goal of all of this?

What's the desired outcome?

If they listen to you, Jesus says, You've won your brother.

You've gained your brother.

Not that you've won the argument.

Because when I go into something and I want to say to them, you did this wrong to me.

You know what I want to do.

I don't want to win them back.

I want to win the argument.

But Jesus says, if you go to them one-on-one, what do you do?

You have a chance to gain back your brother.

And that changes everything.

That means that I go into the conversation, not with a heart to show them how wrong they are.

I go into the conversation with a heart that says, I want you back.

That's the heart of God.

Even though you did me wrong, we can forgive that.

I just want you back.

That was good, wasn't it?

You're welcome.

Just hang around, it gets even better.

The temptation may be to think, like, I'm just not going to, I'm not gonna worry about it.

I'm just gonna, I'll just bury it.

But usually the fear is like, I don't like confrontation.

But Jesus is like, I don't care.

Now, what happens if it doesn't work?

You go to them one-on-one.

You ever been there?

You try and talk something out and it doesn't work.

You ever been there?

I've been there.

Not everybody wants to be reasonable, not everybody wants to be one back.

Some people like to tick you off because they don't want to deal with you anymore.

And that's okay.

That's okay.

You can't win everybody back.

But at least you have to try one-on-one.

But if that doesn't work, then what do you do from there?

Then you have to bring one or two other people.

Now it's two or three with this one person.

And then if that doesn't work, what do you do at that point in time?

At that point in time, you have to bring it before the church.

Now, I don't think that that means that you bring it up here in front of everybody with two or three other people, and you're like, listen to what this idiot did.

I think that's where you say, hey, we're trying to work this out, but we cannot get on the same page here.

And then you sit down with an elder in the church and you try and work it out.

And then if that doesn't work, at that point in time, you treat them, it says, like a gentile and a tax collector.

Other places it uses a phrase like tax collector and sinner.

So what is Jesus saying?

You take all the steps you can to restore the relationship.

You don't wait for them, you go after them.

You don't cancel them, ghost them, or trash them.

You go after them all that you can.

One-on-one, two or three-on-one.

Bring it before the church, and if that doesn't work, and this is what I want you to see today.

This blows my mind.

This absolutely, I you gotta slow down your brain right here.

I need to slow down my brain right here.

This is the upside-down way of Jesus.

Watch this.

At the beginning of this, before Jesus says, if your brother sins against you, go to him one-on-one, two or three-on-one before the church, before he said all of that, he said, let's suppose that a man has a hundred sheep.

And let's suppose that one of those sheep goes wandering off.

Doesn't the man leave the 99 in the mountains and go after the one?

And finding it, rejoice.

Now, if your brother sins against you, go to him one-on-one in private between the two of you.

And if that doesn't work, then take one or two other people that it may be established by two or three witnesses.

And if that doesn't work, then bring it before the church.

But if that doesn't work, treat him as a tax collector or a gentile or a tax collector or a sinner.

It's interesting to me that this whole reconciliation thing happens like right after the parable of the lost sheep.

It's so funny to me.

It makes no sense.

Except it makes all the sense.

My friend Dr.

Chris Green, my teacher, he says to me, not only do the teachings of Jesus probably not mean what you think they mean, they probably mean precisely the opposite what you think they mean.

So if we know that Jesus told the parable of the lost sheep, not just in Matthew, but he also told it in Luke, I went over and looked in Luke because I was like, I remember Luke gives a little more of the detail.

Same story, more detail.

And so I go over to Luke chapter 15, and it says, Now the tax collectors and sinners, you could read Gentiles here, tax collectors and gentiles, they were all drawing near to hear him.

Luke 15 · chapter mention

And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, This man receives sinners and eats with them.

So Jesus told them a parable.

What man of you having a hundred sheep if he has lost one does not leave the 99 in the open country and go after the lost one until he finds it?

So why does Jesus tell the parable of the lost sheep?

Because the stuffy religious people were ticked off that tax collectors and gentiles and sinners were coming to him and they grumbled against him because they said that he receives them and eats with them.

How did Jesus receive Gentiles and tax collectors and sinners?

How did he treat them?

He sat at the same table with them.

He spread out the royal spread for them.

He rolled out the red carpet.

How did Jesus treat Gentiles and tax collectors and sinners?

What did he do?

He received them and he ate with them and he welcomed them.

Jesus says if you have a grievance with somebody, they sin against you, go to one-on-one and then two-on-one, then bring it before the church.

And after you've done all of that, what do you do?

You have to treat them like a tax collector or a sinner.

How does Jesus treat tax collectors and sinners?

It's insane.

That if after I've done one-on-one and two-on-one and brought it before the church, what's my responsibility as a Christian then?

I still have to share the same table with this knothead.

Can you believe Jesus?

It's crazy.

And it's precisely what he wants us to do.

And it makes absolutely no sense at all to me.

And it's the only way that you're ever going to find freedom in your heart, and the only way you're possibly ever going to welcome them back as a brother and sister.

You see, what I want to do is after I've done step one, I want to skip right to step four.

In fact, I don't even like step one.

I want to go from offense to shunning them.

Tax collector and sinner.

Except for Jesus doesn't want you to shun them, he wants you to welcome them to the table.

Jesus is like crazy by human standards, but he's sane by God's standards.

And so I'm going to trust that he knows what he's talking about, and I'm going to adapt what I'm doing to what he is doing.

Why do we have to welcome them back to the table?

Because after all, the Baptists have it right.

They are our sister and our brother.

I'm not saying it's easy.

I'm just saying it's the way of Jesus.

And it's wild to me.

I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and she said, you know, the way I understand it, once you've done the one-on-one, two on one bring for the church thing, treat them like a tax collector and a sinner.

The way I understand it, the last step is after you've gone through all of the steps that you just have to update your expectations of the person.

I'm like, what exactly do you mean by that?

And she's like, Oh, well, what do you expect from tax collectors and Gentiles and sinners?

You expect them to do stupid stuff.

You expect them to play stupid games and to win stupid prizes.

You expect them to mistreat you.

You expect them to lie and to gossip and to slander and everything else.

It doesn't say that once you've done everything that you can do, that you come to the table and you just go, please stab me again.

Right, right.

No, you wise up.

You're wise as a serpent, you're harmless as a dove.

You don't just let your guard down with people who repeatedly stab you in the back.

That's not the way of Jesus, that's the way of morons.

You punch me once, okay.

I should have seen that coming.

But if I just go, like, just hit me in the face again, you're like, well, what about turning the other cheek?

It's one of the most misinterpreted passages in scripture, and I don't have time to talk about it right now.

What it essentially means is you're not going to do the same thing to me over and over again, but also I am not going to retaliate in the same way.

There is a third way, and I don't have time to teach you about it right now.

And going the extra mile means equally the opposite of what you think that it means.

Nevertheless, not all breaks are the same.

So there are people who have done unspeakable harm to people that you love, including yourself, maybe.

And treating them as a tax collector and a sinner does not mean that you have to sit at the same table with them and stare them in the eyes literally every single Christmas and Easter and all of those things.

If somebody's abusing you, get out and call the cops.

Period.

Don't be like, well, maybe they've changed.

They haven't changed.

Maybe God can change that.

I'm just saying, if they show you who you are, believe them.

But I will say this.

Even if you cannot, even if you can't receive that person at the table with you, even if you can't reach out to that person because it's going to cause so much harm to you, you still have to realize that Jesus is the good shepherd always goes after the one who wandered away.

Even if you can't have them and hold them at the table, you've got to realize that Jesus still makes room for them at the table.

And that's why when Peter comes to him and he says, Jesus, like you say this like one-on-one, two-on-one before the church, tax collector and sinner?

Peter gets it.

He's like, I've got to treat him like a tax collector.

We know how Jesus treats tax collectors and sinners better than us half the time.

How many times do I have to forgive him?

Seven times?

And then Jesus says, How about 77 times?

And Peter goes, Oh my God, are you kidding me?

Because in the Jewish mind, he knows that 70 just means everything, and seven is just about completion.

And so when he says to him, How many times?

Seven times did Jesus is like, nope, 77 times.

In some translations, 70 times seven times.

It's not about the number, it's about the mindset.

The mindset in the Jewish mind is simply this.

How many times do I have to forgive them?

All the time.

All the time.

Well, do I have to let them keep hurting me?

No.

Do I have to be wise?

Yes.

But do I have to realize that it's precisely the tax collector in the center that need the prayers, that need the help?

And so I can have more pity for them.

And I can remember, as it goes on to say in the very next passage I didn't read, that a man was forgiven much.

And once he was forgiven much, he was set free.

And when he was set free, he found somebody who owed him something.

And he threw that man in jail.

And he said, You're not going to get away with it.

And then the man that had forgiven him found out about it.

And he said, Now you're in trouble.

Because you've got to remember that you have to forgive other people because I forgave you.

You don't want to forgive anybody two times.

And how many times has Jesus forgiven you?

Jesus, I'll never do it again.

I'll never sin.

I'll never do that again.

Please forgive me.

Somebody hurts you and you cancel them like a bad check.

Not the way of Jesus.

Remember, we have to be wise.

We don't just please hurt me.

But at the same point in time, you know why Jesus wants you to forgive?

And it's not just so that other person can find freedom.

He wants you to forgive so that you can find freedom.

So that you don't have to carry that weight for the rest of your life.

And dude, that's hard.

But I want to challenge you.

I want to challenge the teenagers.

If you can get this right now, you will find a whole new level of freedom in your life.

Look up here at me.

If instead, whenever somebody offends you, does something stupid, gossips about you, treats you the wrong way, if instead of going to all of your other friends and social media, et cetera, et cetera, you go to the person and you say, Listen, this is how this made me feel.

Now you can't control what they're gonna say.

They may be like pound sand, knucklehead.

You cannot control how they're gonna respond.

But at least you have done the work to say, this is how this made me feel, and I don't want there to be anything between us.

Now that's especially true in the family of faith.

But I think it also applies out in the world.

Because I think if the world sees the church forgiving one another and forgiving them, then maybe they want to be a part of a family where not everybody's at each other's throats.

We hope you enjoyed today's sermon.

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