Resilient: It's Emotional

Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast.

We exist to awaken this generation to new life in Christ.

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Well, great to be with you, Awakening Church.

If you're new, my name is Ryan, and we're absolutely thrilled to have you join us today.

Last week we kicked off a brand new series called Resilience.

Now, resiliency is the ability to withstand or to recover from difficult situations and circumstances.

And really what we're wrestling with as a people, as a church, is how do we have resiliency in the face of our current crisis?

Now, we're diving back into the book of James.

And James was the half-brother of Jesus, the leader of the church in Jerusalem, and he was pastoring the church through their own COVID reality moment.

The church experienced intense persecution.

They were immediately scattered from their homes.

They had economic upheaval, uncertainty, their lives were turned upside down.

And James is pinning this letter to them and how to have resiliency and respond and live like a follower of Jesus in the midst of these incredibly trying times.

And so he actually addresses four critical areas for in order for us to have resiliency.

Last week we looked at this.

We said, resiliency in the face of temptation.

How do we have resiliency in the face of temptation?

I would ask you to go back, check out that sermon.

Today we're talking about resiliency in the face of destructive emotions.

Isn't it true that our emotions have been magnified in this season?

It just seems like they're amplified up.

I mean, it's not anymore that I think maybe this is not how you feel, but this is how I feel.

Like that we're just tired.

It's just like I'm exhausted, just like totally wiped out, you know.

I'm not just weary or just kind of like, I don't know.

I'm overwhelmed, or maybe with SIP shelter in place, I'm like just over it.

And then we find ourselves where we're no longer just disappointed.

We're angry.

And we're having to wrestle and confront anger in ways that we're not used to.

In in environments that feel foreign and strange.

What do you do with the emotions inside of you?

Like, what do you do?

How do you respond?

More specifically, what do you do with anger?

Like, how do you respond to anger?

Now, anger is interesting.

Anger at its very best protects.

When you're angry at evil and injustice, it protects, doesn't it?

It's people who are angry at racism that brought about the abolition of slavery.

It's people who were angry at the injustice and the evil of human trafficking that said, we're gonna sacrifice our lives to do something about it and protect the vulnerable.

It's actually for us as a church, when we look at the circumstances our world are in and the people who are vulnerable and in need at the school that we meet at, and we're angry about those circumstances that allow us to say, man, we want to make a difference.

And how do we engage and protect and help those families and give generously?

Anger at its best protects.

But anger at its worst, it's poison.

It pollutes, it's destructive.

Anger at its worst destroys friendships, doesn't it?

Anger at its worst has has caused marriages to unravel.

Anger at its worst is has caused abuse to be a reality, and relationships fall apart.

And so, James.

James is gonna tell us in the midst of this crisis, he's gonna say, your relationship with anger will make or break you in the middle of this crisis.

Your relationship, now you probably have never thought about having a relationship with anger.

For some, you're like, um, I don't want to have a relationship with anger.

I don't, I don't even think I'm an angry person.

He's gonna say, no, no, how you relate to anger will either make or break you in this season.

And here's the reason why.

He knows being the Y Shepherd, that stress, fatigue, and pressure, it magnifies our emotion, and anger at its worst magnifies is lethal.

He says, your relationship, how you relate, is gonna make or break you.

So let me ask you, what kind of relationship do you have with anger?

Well, Ryan, I I don't have a relationship with anger.

I grew up in a home that was angry.

I grew up with a dad that was abusive, I grew up with people that spewed all over the place, and I don't want to go anywhere close to that.

And for others, you view anger as bad and evil, and maybe you grew up in a home that was religious or that it is wrong to be angry.

You're like, I don't want a relationship with anger, because you've seen the dark sides of it.

Others, you use anger as a tool, don't you?

You may not use it this way, maybe you wouldn't ever say it, but you've used it to leverage and get your way to storm through bull over people.

For others, your relationship with anger, oh my gosh, it's just it feels uncontrollable.

It's like, it's like an alcohol that just takes over your body, and you're just like, I don't have control anymore, and and it it's just like this uncontrollable force within you.

And for others, your relationship with anger is that a shame?

Just the very thought of it just fills you with shame.

What kind of relationship do you have with anger?

What's interesting is the Bible doesn't ever tell us to not be angry or don't have anger.

In fact, what James is gonna do is he's gonna tell us how to have a healthy relationship with anger.

How do we have a healthy relationship with anger so that we can navigate and have resiliency in the face of this trial?

And so if you got your Bibles, would you open up to James chapter 1, verse 19?

James 1:19

James chapter 1, and let's talk about resiliency in the face of this powerful emotion.

James 1 · chapter mention

Anger.

Listen to how James begins.

He says, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this.

And here's what this word means.

He's saying, I want you to be aware, I want you to like pay special attention.

And here's what it means.

And it's it means to stand in close relation.

What I'm about to say, what I'm about to teach in this moment, I want you to keep related closely to this idea.

Okay, so what does he say next?

He says, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this.

Now notice everyone, not just some people, but everyone of us should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and then slow to become angry.

Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.

This is a he says, this is how we are to relate to anger.

This quickness.

This is this intentionally hearing, giving your thoughts to understand the other.

That that's our first response.

How can I listen?

How can I hear?

I've heard it said that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason, so we'd listen twice as much as we speak.

Be quick to listen, and then slow to speak and slow to become angry, that we would seek to understand before trying to be understood, that we'd be slow to speak, and that word slow and slow to become angry.

It literally means slow to learn.

Like slow to learn anger.

Think about that.

Now, notice he doesn't say don't be angry.

You would think maybe you say quick to speak or yeah, quick to listen, slow to speak, and then don't get angry.

But he says, actually slow to become angry.

And even Ephesians 4 26, the apostle Paul would say this be angry and yet do not sin.

And so there's actually a way that we can engage with this powerful emotion where we can be angry and not sin.

We can be angry and not allow it to pull us into sin or destruction or devastation.

But he wants us to notice this.

Why should we follow this process, quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry?

Because, because human anger does not produce, it does not make effective the righteousness that God desires.

Human anger does not produce or affect the type of life that God desires for you, the type of justice, the type of goodness, the type of purity that God has for you and I, the type of life that is winsome and filled with kindness and caring, the type of life you actually long for and you long others to live.

Now, I think it's important that we talk for a second about human anger and holy anger.

See, human anger is really anger at its worst, and holy anger is anger at its best.

Richard War uh talks about holy anger this way.

Holy anger is an expression of love.

Have you ever thought about that it that way?

And may never be played off against love.

It never wants to destroy, but to restore to original justice.

It's an expression of love.

This is not the anger James is talking about.

He's talking about human anger, anger that is self-centered irritation.

This is what he's talking about.

He says, that type of anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Then he goes on.

He says, therefore, in light of that, in light of the reality, this anger doesn't produce something that is effective.

And in light that anger is counterproductive to your life, therefore, get rid of, take off of everything.

It says all moral filth and the evil that's so is so prevalent, and then humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

If anger can destroy you, he says, accepting the word planted in you can save you.

He says, Therefore, get rid of or throw off all moral filth.

And that word's interesting.

I want you to see what's so going on here, what James is doing.

It's the picture of a dirty shirt, you know, or dirty clothes, and it's filthy and it's a rag.

And he says, take it off like dirty clothes.

But the root meaning of this word is fascinating.

And I think James had this in mind in the progression when he goes, quick, slow, slow, quick to listen.

The root word of this, you know, moral filth comes from a medical term and sense of where you had the wax buildup in your ears that caused you to be unable to hear.

So James says, be quick to listen.

And as you're quick to listen, what you have to do is pay attention to the buildup in your ears that's keeping you from hearing.

Get rid of all of that.

See, anger keeps us from truly hearing, doesn't it?

When we give way to it, he says, be quick, be quick to listen.

And you have this filth, you have this wax buildup, and you gotta clean that out.

And then he goes on and talks about the evil that is so prevalent.

And now this word evil here has this idea of mean-spirited, vicious attitude.

Where the things that come out of your mouth, see, be quick to listen, so to speak.

Get rid of the things that are mean-spirited and vicious that would come out of your mouth.

And we say things when we're angry, don't we?

We say things when we're angry that we would never have wanted to say, but we can never take them back either.

He says, get rid of all that and then humbly accept the word planted in you.

And some of your translations say, meekly accept the word.

And we think of meekness as weakness, and it's certainly not true.

And he talks about this, and slow to anger, well, meekness, humbly, is that word is strength under control.

It means to have the power to not be led away by your emotions, not letting your emotions take control.

See, James is giving us the recipe for us and how to have resiliency in the face of this powerful emotion called anger.

And accept the word planted in you.

Because when we're angry, uh our view of life gets distorted, doesn't it?

He says, you got to get to God's word and what he has to say so that we can really uh understand what's real and what's right and what's true.

And he says, when you do that, it'll save you.

For many, it'll save your marriage.

Right now, you need to hear this word because COVID has like put a pressure cooker on your marriage, or pressure cooker on your roommates or your friendships, or maybe it with people that you're working at.

And he says, listen up because this can save you, this can save your relationships, this will save you heartache and pain.

For some, this might save your job or your future, it will save your life.

If we're gonna be resilient, we have to learn how to have a healthy relationship with anger.

And so let's unpack this.

And so, to do that, I want to define anger and then take some time really talking through how do we respond rather than react to anger.

How do we respond rather than just simply allow our emotions to give way?

Well, in your notes, I gave you two definitions of anger, and they're by two authors, one I really like a lot, but more so because I wanted to give you resources, and it's at the end, because for many, you actually need to grab a book, get a good friend, and start to wrestle through this on a deeper level.

The first is by my dad, which we'll have next week teaching for us uh in part three of Resilient, and Dr.

Becca Johnson, they wrote a book together, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, and he gives us a great definition for anger.

He says, anger is neither good nor bad.

We already talked about that.

It's charged, we've experienced that.

It's morally neutral, it's an emotional response of protective preservation.

Well, Gary Chapman in his book, Dr.

Gary Chapman, gives us a little more unpacking of what they mean by this.

He says anger is the emotion that arises whenever we encounter what we perceive important word there, underline that if you can, to be wrong.

The emotional, physiological, and cognitive dimensions of anger leap to the front burner of our experience when we encounter injustice.

And this is part of the challenge with anger, because anger is broader than just emotional, isn't it?

It impacts us in so many different ways: emotional, physiological, cognitive, biological.

See, when we become angry, the adrenal glands in our mind, it releases two hormones, epinephrine and then norepinephrine.

It gives us the fight or flight response.

Uh, this is where we get tense and we get heated from.

It's our blood pressure rises, our heart rate speeds up, and we have this biological response.

And so, how do we then, in the light of that, learn how to respond rather than give way and react in the moment?

Because resilient people have learned how to respond to this instead of reacting.

And James is telling us, hey, when how to respond?

Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.

We're gonna unpack that really practically in a second.

Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.

But here's what just what I want you to notice real quick.

When we react, we inverse the order.

When we react, here's what happens we're quick to anger, and then we're quick to speak, and then we're slow to listen.

And so if you find yourself being quick on this side, it should be the warning side for you of going, you know what, I've been way more reacting than listening.

So I actually, God, would you help me learn to respond?

Well, how do we do that?

I'm so glad you asked.

Let's dive in.

First step to responding versus reacting is we have to acknowledge, and you have to acknowledge you're angry and then take it to the Lord.

You have to acknowledge and go, I'm angry.

Many people don't ever do that step.

I'm angry.

So what do I do with this now?

And then bring it to the Lord.

God, I'm angry, I'm frustrated.

I know there's many people that actually don't even know what they're feeling.

We're not so in tune with our feelings in our culture today.

And I think that's been part of the challenge of COVID and everybody being uh in one place and having some space to feel because we stay so distracted, and now all of a sudden these emotions are bubbling up that you've been pushing down.

So you're like, I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time, and maybe I maybe you don't identify even with the word anger.

So let me give you some emotional language to put around this so that you can begin to acknowledge and say it out loud.

It's powerful.

So you acknowledge your anger, take it to the Lord.

Instead of when we're angry, we want to take it out on the other person.

Here's the emotional language.

I'm frustrated, I'm annoyed, I'm irritated.

Maybe you're mad or ticked off or disgusted.

See, those are words that are cues to us where you just begin to start here and just go, it just is so powerful.

You just go, God, I'm angry.

I don't necessarily identify with that, and but I'm recognizing that irritation or that frustration, that's actually kind of showing me that.

So, what do I do with it?

And I'm gonna bring it to you to help.

And so, first we acknowledge that we're angry, take it to the Lord, and then restrain your immediate response.

Quick to listen, slow to speak, bite your tongue, ah, because that's what gets us in trouble, doesn't it?

I mean, this is what we do.

We get angry in that moment, and we our immediate response is often our worst response, right?

It's the text message you shouldn't have sent, it's the email you shouldn't have spent, it's the like social media rage you shouldn't have done, it's the phone call, it's the blow up in the moment, it's your immediate response, and you have to restrain your immediate response.

And for some, you're like, I can't do that.

It's genetic.

I'm an angry person, I'm Irish, it's just anger.

Well, take it from Dr.

Gary Chapman.

He says, We cannot control our bodily reactions.

That's the physiological, biological, those releasing of hormones.

However, we can control our mental and physical responses to anger.

You do have the choice.

Restrain your immediate response.

See, our immediate response to anger actually happens on a bit of a continuum.

And for some, you wouldn't recognize because of the way you deal with it, that that immediate response may not be the best response or healthily uh navigating this powerful emotion.

Let me give you just this continuum of how we react to anger or immediate response.

For some, uh, you when your immediate response is to explode, it's verbal, it's physically venting.

And then on the far side of the continuum is this withdrawal.

This is your response.

Silence and dismissive.

And for some on that side, you use withdrawal as a way to get back, get even, or even pay revenge.

You're going to withdraw your affection or your voice or your time.

And in the middle of this continuum, and we're all along here somewhere, of our natural response or our response that we've had when we were kids growing up, or what we saw, or what we don't want to be of what we saw, in the middle is this dripping, it's this passive-aggressive response.

It's this anger, irritation, and frustration that lies just beneath the surface.

And I think this is challenging.

I think this is challenging because when we respond in all of these, for many, we don't necessarily are able to fully identify, except for the exploding one, we can kind of see it, right?

But the other ones, in fact, there can be a little bit of a self-righteousness in this.

There can be a sense of like, well, I don't blow up like he does, or I don't do that.

And the drippers just kind of just allow little passive-aggressive, sarcastic comments.

Christians are great at this, unfortunately.

We just are able to like, I'm not going to really deal with this, but I'm just going to say little snide comments.

He says, for us to have a healthy relationship, to be resilient in the face of this powerful emotion, we have to acknowledge your angry, take it to the Lord, restrain your immediate response, and then stop and ask, why am I angry really?

Like, what's at the core of this?

Anger, if you read my dad's book, you'll discover is a secondary emotion.

It points to something else.

You're always angry at something or a person or an issue.

There's a deeper cause than just anger.

And it actually acts a lot like the warning light on your dash that shows you, hey, this is not right.

You need to check underneath the hood.

So when you're angry, you gotta stop and ask before you react to go reflect and go, okay, why am I angry really?

I got to get to the root.

Dr.

Gary Chapman helps us in his book.

I took this from him.

He talks about definitive anger and distorted anger.

Why am I angry really?

What is it?

He defines definitive anger this way as a response to a moral wrongdoing or injustice.

This is sparked by a violation of laws or moral code.

It's the drunk driver that careens into a car.

It's the abuse, it's the cheating, it's the fraud and the lying, it's the racism.

He says that's definitive anger.

And many times that anger is in which we have to process with Jesus still, but it can spur us on to a protective response.

Distorted anger is much of the way we have relationally with one another.

It's not so much that there's a moral wrongdoing or injustice, but it's a perceived wrongdoing.

See, distorted anger, it comes from people who've hurt us.

It happens with stress and fatigue, maybe unrealistic expectations of where we feel frustrated or disappointed.

See, it means we're just kind of seeing it through our lens, but and then making a moral judgment on it.

For example, uh distorted anger is when we have angry, we're angry because of circumstantial evidence.

Maybe I've done this plenty of times.

I didn't have all the facts, I didn't understand it all, and I got angry but at this issue or at their response or what happened there.

And when I learn all the facts, I go, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have been angry about that.

And if we allow that to happen, what happens is then we make assumptions about their presuppositions.

We assume their motives.

You ever done that?

You see someone's activity, and then you jump to conclusions about why they're doing what they're doing, and that's distorted anger.

Or maybe we make generalizations.

He always does that, or she never will.

And those general generalizations, that's distorted, that's not true.

It begins to categorize and cast people in a certain set and lens and view, or or it's our unmet or unrealistic expectation.

Man, he he should be helping around the house.

He should be picking up his stuff.

We we should be, you know, having deeper conversations and connections and anger begins to bubble up.

Many of our expectations are rooted in our family of origin.

Or it's your personal preference.

This is what I prefer.

This is what I grew up with, this is the way it's to be done.

We often make moral weight decisions out of our personal preference, i.e., tidiness is a personal preference.

It doesn't mean they're morally a bad person.

There's plenty of untidy people in this world and they're great people.

But you have the desire for your house or your home or your apartment to be tidy and your roommate or your spouse or your kids don't, and you make moral judgments about that.

Uh maybe it's how you replace the toilet paper or how you squeeze the you know toothpaste.

And we make moral judgments about that.

Uh, it might be helping kids with homework or attentive to one's needs or showing affection and intimacy.

And what COVID has done is it's put us where we're all stuck in an environment living on top of each other, and it's just amplified these minor irritations into major frustrations.

And so we have to first acknowledge why I am angry really and get to the root of it.

Is it definitive?

Is this like a moral thing, or is this distorted?

To do that, ask two critical questions.

What's wrong?

Uh, what wrong was committed?

You gotta get specific.

What wrong was committed?

And then the second question is am I sure I have all the facts?

Before I jump to conclusions, before I assume, before I let that anger and emotion get too far down the road, be quick to listen.

That means you gotta ask.

Be quick to listen, slow to speak.

And then number four, step four, examine your options.

Examine your options.

See how we are going to be resilient in the face of this powerful emotion.

We're gonna acknowledge we're angry, we're gonna strain our immediate response, ask why am I really angry, and then examine your options.

How do I move forward?

And you have two options.

Yeah, only two.

Lovingly confront.

The apostle Paul would say in Ephesians I just forgot it right there, but it says, in speaking the truth and love.

There you go.

That we're to speak the truth and love to one another, lovingly confronting the other person.

It's truth and love.

It's not all love and it's not all truth.

Option number two.

Option number two is graciously overlook.

Graciously overlook.

The Proverbs would say, love covers a multitude of sins.

That you would graciously overlook.

Well, what does that mean to graciously overlook?

It means that you give your offense and your hurt to God, entrusting Him with the outcome.

What it means is then you forgive them, which literally means to release your right for revenge and that you will no longer hold it over them.

And so you say, God, I'm going to overlook this, which means I'm not gonna bring it back up.

And by the way, if you overlook it, then months later you shouldn't bring it back up in an argument.

You know, no, I overlooked this moment.

See two options lovingly confront, graciously, graciously overlook.

And I think, and let's just talk about this for if you're an exploder, chances are you need to work a little bit more on graciously overlooking, because exploders want to confront everything.

And certainly, exploder, we need, I say we because that tends to be where I land, we need more love than truth because we're generally harsh on the truth.

If you're a withdrawal, probably chances are you need to work on develop more lovingly confronting.

You don't necessarily overlook because you keep it down, you can allow it to keep stay in there, you're not giving it over to God and forgiving them.

And you need probably more truth than love and when you speak.

And if you're one of the drippers, chances are you need to choose one or the other because we can feel like I'm just not reacting and I'm not withdrawing the way they are, so I'm good.

And you actually need to choose one or the other to graciously overlook.

God, I'm gonna give this to you, so I'm not gonna hold it out, and I'm gonna pay attention.

Is there little things dripping out of my mouth?

Or I'm gonna lovingly confront.

This is an issue that it's not gonna be resolved by me just uh uh you know keeping it to myself.

You got two options lovingly confront or graciously overlook.

And finally, what we need to do is once we examine what option to take, we need to take constructive action.

We need to take constructive action.

Well, how do we do that?

Well, you begin with the goal of that action.

The goal is restoration, not condemnation.

The goal is a restored relationship.

The goal is not winning or being right, the goal is how can we be right together?

See, instead of winning people over to your point of view or helping them see why you are right, you go, no, I want restoration.

How do we become restored?

And I don't want to bring condemnation, I don't want to bring heat, I don't want to bring intensity, and so tone matters a lot when you do this.

And then address the problem without attacking the person.

Address the problem.

Go, okay, let me give you just real specific.

When this happened, this is how it made me feel.

When this happened, this is how I interpreted what you did.

Not you did this and you tried to do that.

You see how the you that's just attacking the person?

Address the problem.

This is the problem, this is what happened.

Maybe this is respond, and this is how it made me feel.

And could you help me understand what was going on?

Wow, that changes the environments.

The goal, restoration, address the problem without attacking the person, and then seek a resolution.

How do we move forward together?

Extend that forgiveness I was talking about.

It's literally letting go of your right for revenge.

Whether you lovingly confront or graciously overlook, you have to forgive.

Otherwise, what anger eventually becomes is this root of bitterness that will consume and destroy you.

You have to graciously, yeah, or forgive, release your right for revenge.

And for some, you need to keep giving that back over to God.

God, this is hard.

This is so hard.

I struggle with this.

Oh my God, please help me to give my right away, trusting that you will do what's right and good ultimately, Heavenly Father.

Resiliency in the face of this powerful emotion.

James is gonna say, quick, slow, slow, quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.

How do we do that?

Acknowledge that you're angry, restrain your immediate response, bite your tongue and stop, reflect.

Why am I angry?

Really?

Examine the options and then take constructive, take constructive action.

No, the reason he says this is your relationship with anger will make or break you in the middle of a crisis.

Now, for some, as we close, and you're like, Ryan, you've been talking about relational anger this entire time.

But I have some different anger.

You know what?

Actually, I'm I'm angry at the circumstances I find myself in, our world finds ourselves in, the state and condition of our country, and actually, when I get down to it, I'm angry at God.

What do I do then?

And I just want to give you one simple thing to do in this moment.

And then I want to ask you if that's where you're at, that you would ask for prayer or you would fill out a connection card so that you can get some good pastoral shepherding around you, just like James was giving to these people.

We want to give to you.

But where you'd start with step one, acknowledge that you're angry and then take it to the Lord.

You just start with, God, I just realized I haven't voiced it, I didn't realize, but I'm angry about what's going on in our world, and I don't understand.

And I'm gonna take it to you, confused and struggling.

Or maybe you're angry at God and you don't even feel free to say those things.

God, I can I say that out loud?

Yes, you can, and by the way, He can handle all of you.

And so we're gonna worship right now.

And what I want you to do as the team leads us, would you acknowledge the emotions going on inside of you and then take it to the Lord?