Session 3: The Purpose of Marriage

So the purpose of marriage, why do we have marriages?

The purpose of marriage is friendship and holiness.

The Bible is clear that our journey towards greater holiness

cannot be achieved alone. It's achieved through Christian

relationships, the most effective and significant of

which is the deepest and most intimate friendship discovered

in our marriage relationship. The Bible is clear that our

journey towards greater holiness cannot be achieved alone.

That's why God puts us in families.

That's why we have community. We gather together because we

sharpen one another. OK, So what that is saying is

God uses relationships. He uses the horizontal realities

of being in community, being in family to shape us and to mold

us and to make us into his likeness.

But the standout relationship is our marriage partner because

that relationship gets a lot closer than any other

relationship. Does that make sense?

I mean, how do we, how do we partner with one another and how

do we grow in our Christ likeness?

It's like we get vulnerable, we get honest, we bring in

accountabilities at home. I'm really struggling in this

area. But you know that that's, that's

like a hurdle. We got to get to that place to

be able to have the honesty of those kind of relationships.

And God does do that in this family of church.

But with your marriage partners, like you don't have the option

to decide to get over that hurdle.

It's like it just comes gushing in because you got to face those

realities. You got to face who you are and

the things that trigger you and the things that make you upset

and why you lose your cool. And it's like, oh heck, this

marriage thing is just exposing me.

That's the beauty of it. It's the beauty of it.

So let's look at friendship first.

I love it in in the account of creation, when God creates,

every time he does something, he ends with a benediction and he

says it is good and he made this, it is good and he made

this and it is good. It is good, it is good, it is

good. Benediction, benediction,

benediction, benediction. And then Genesis 218, the Lord

God said it is not good. Oops, malediction, first time,

it's not good. What something that God created

is not good. God himself saying it.

So what God is saying is I have put something in man.

There's a, there's a horizontal reality there that only another

of a similar kind can fall. And while he is alone, it's not

good. I've got to make this good.

And so he makes a helper suitable for him.

He also says, let us make man in our image.

So there's a, there's a plurality in the Trinity for

these three persons. So in our image, it's like

there's not just one person on their own.

It's like I need to make another that goes on a horizontal level.

So yes, I want this vertical relationship, but but there's a

there's a gap that only that horizontal relationship can

fall. So if we look at friendship,

different levels of friendship, the first level is natural.

So with that, you need a common interest.

How do you become friends? I like fishing.

Hey, I love fishing. Boom, friendship because we've

got a common interest. There's something that we love

to do together. This, this, this is something

that we appreciate together. There's a common interest that

pulls us together. Second level is supernatural.

When I was chatting with Dave in the break, he said, and I don't

really know. You haven't like got to know you

over years, but here I know you because there's a common fail.

So first level common interests, second level common fail.

We believe in the same Savior brings us together.

So we can have different cultures, different backgrounds,

and we can come in an environment like this and just

start talking about God in our lives, the reality of Jesus.

And this common faith brings us together in a supernatural way.

You can meet a Christian on the other side of the world and

within 2-3 minutes, oh, common faith, supernatural friendship.

We don't need to enjoy fishing. We say something completely

different. There's a supernatural reality

to this friendship. The third is natural and

supernatural. That's when we love Jesus and we

love fishing. So even within this environment,

we got different levels of friendship because we all have

the supernatural friendship. But then there are also some

natural friendships because we like playing golf or we are.

You see, I hit a button there. So common interest and common

faith means your friendship is at a level which is natural and

supernatural. 4th level natural, supernatural and intimate.

There's only one person that fits that description.

That's your marriage partner. So now you've got common

interest because, you know, you kind of get together and you,

you, you, you establish that you share a common horizon is like a

compatibility. We like the same things and it's

great common interest, but we saved, we're born again, which

is why it's so important for two people that come together in a

marriage relationship as warning and believers.

And if that's not the case, this is like an equally yoked vibe

that's happening and it's just not helpful.

But the supernatural reality of our common faith.

Plus we have a common passion, common goal, common dreams.

We we we've had kids together, been intimate with one another,

which they have things at a level that no one else does.

So if I get asked the question should your spouse be your best

friend, the answer is absolutely yes.

If you're best friends with someone else, there is a problem

with your marriage and it might not be an obvious thing to you

now, but give it time. Your marriage partner should be

your best friend because you've got a common interest, a common

faith and a common passion, a common intimacy.

Your level of friendship is at the highest level outside of

your relationship with God. This is the highest level of

relationship that you can have. It's your best friend.

We are going to do life together to allow dying the hand.

The second thing is holiness. So on page 25, I love this verse

26 and 28 of Ephesians 5 where it says husbands love your

wives. There's mutuality in that.

Obviously wives must love their husbands as well, just as Christ

loved the church and gave himself up for her too.

Is the purpose make her holy, cleansing her by the washing

with water through the Word, and to present it to himself as a

radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish,

but holy and blameless. So Jesus loves us in that way

with that intention. And he's saying husbands and

wives, love your partner in the same way.

Get that as some form of purpose of why you are married and lay

hold of that because you have an incredible role to play in your

marriage partner growing in their cross likeness growing in

their blamelessness and they watched state that God's put you

together for that reason. Jesus loves the church like

that. Husbands love your wives in the

same way. It's with that in mind.

So holiness is the common horizon for all Christians.

We get saved, we've put our faith in Jesus, and then for the

rest of our lives, while we walk on this earth as it currently is

in this temporal state until our dying day, we are growing in

holiness. That's the common horizon, and

we all share that. Much of the Bible affirms that

the journey to that horizon cannot be accomplished alone.

That's why God puts us into communities where relationships

serve that purpose. There's the iron sharpens iron

text and then in the the next paragraph that says what we draw

from Ephesians 5 is that the most significant player to that

end is your lover, friend, who is your marriage partner.

So I've had people ask me and, and I've heard it elsewhere, it

was that I thought the purpose of marriage is happiness to

which as I know the purpose of marriage is holiness which leads

to happiness. But happiness is on the far side

of holiness. You come in with the notion that

the purpose of this marriage is to make me happy and to bring

happiness. You're missing what God has in

mind for our marriages because these are beautiful forming that

takes place as we journey together is marriage partners.

God is shaping and He's molding us and He's just making us more

like Him within The beauty of this marriage is making us hotly

and surely with that happiness is going to be a reality.

But that's real joy when the purpose of marriage is just

happiness. That's fleeting because it just

takes a bad situation or a change of circumstance and all

of that is out the window. So the purpose of marriage is

holiness. How does it work?

Page 37 Marriage exposes our flaws.

So if you think of a bridge, a newly built bridge because it is

made by imperfect people and even all the professionals, the

engineers, as good as they are, they can't make a flawless

bridge. There'll always be like little

aspects to it, but it only takes the 1st truck or car to drive

over the bridge for it to show you some cracks on the side, you

know, where it was perfectly painted or plastered or whatever

it is and everything was perfect when it was just made.

And then the first bit of weight that goes across.

So the intention of the bridge is like, let's just keep the

thing up. That's fine so that people can

get across. But those cracks start to form

and and it's because of the load that's driven over it.

Now, you've got to understand that when the car drives over

the bridge, those floors were always there.

The car didn't cause the flaws. The way in which it was made.

It was under the surface. The floors were there.

The car just exposed us. It was just through the car

driving over just the waiters like, oh, that's come to the

surface. Now, when we come into our

marriage, we come in as flawed individuals and when we

experience the load, excuse me for phrasing it like that

because it sounds like a negative, but there's there's

there's pressure times there's like I'm oh heck, there's this

stuff happening here, but when there takes place, it exposes

the flaws that have always been there.

So you manage partner doesn't create new flaws in you just

brings those floors to the surface.

Tom Keller said this. I would never have seen the

depths of my son if I wasn't married.

I would never have been in a position to see it.

Our marriage partner is the vessel used by God to fashion us

into His likeness. Now, we got to be very clear on

this because the fashioning us into His likeness is his task,

not ours. OK, So that if you've heard the

story about the the girl that was getting married, she was all

nervous and didn't quite know what she was doing and what she

needed to do. And someone kind of picked up on

the fact that she was all tense before the time said it's you

know what? It's fine.

It's just three things that you got to remember.

You're going to walk down the aisle, you're going to get to

the front where the Alta is, and then they'll start with a him.

And as a result, from that point on, the priest or the past or

whatever, you'll handle the rest so that you just follow his cue.

So those are just the three things you need to remember.

And she's like, oh, OK, that's cool, I can do that.

I'll alter him. And then for the rest of her

life, she never forgot it. I'll alter him.

I'll alter him. I'm going to change him.

I will make him into the man that I'm hoping he will be.

I'll alter him. We are not the ones who does the

work. Think of it as a hose pipe where

the water comes, the water that washes.

It's God doing his work. But that water needs a vessel

for it to reach its intention. So if if I'm a hose pipe and the

water of God is to wash over Antoinette, how do I best be a

husband so that her growing his likeness becomes a priority of

mine? How do I lead her as my wife in

a way where she, she comes into a greater fullness of who God is

and, and, and those flaws that God wants to smooth out and

fashion it and, and, and change in her that I'm an instrument in

his hands for that purpose. It's not me like pointing a

whole bunch of things out and then saying, well, this is what

you're not going to do and I'm going to alter you.

I'm going to allow God to do his work, but I'm just going to be

the vessel the first exposes it and then tenderly loves in a way

where God can do what he needs to do.

Another quote by Tim Kelly. He's one of my favorite guys

when it comes to marriage, but I love what he says here.

Romance, 6, laughter, and plain fun are the byproducts of this

process of sanctification and refinement.

Those things are important, but they can't keep a marriage going

through years and years of ordinary life.

What keeps the marriage going is your commitment to your spouse's

holiness, your commitment to his or her beauty, your commitment

to his or her greatness and perfection, your commitments to

his or her honesty and passion for the things of God.

That's your job as a spouse. Any lesser goal than that, any

smaller purpose, and you're just playing at being married.

How beautiful is that? How beautiful is that?

This journey is an incredible adventure that carries eternal

significance. You know, I've often thought

this thought. One day Antoinette will stand

before hurricane. She's my wife, but she's his

daughter and when she stands before her king face to face, I

want nothing to prove it. But I have a sneaky suspicion

I'm not going to be that far away from that moment.

I don't know what it will look like.

I don't know how it's going to go down and this face to face

reality of Jesus looking at Antonette and saying all that

good and faithful servant, but behind that, that I would have

the privilege of playing a part in that.

My commitment to her holiness, my commitment to her growing in

Christ likeness. See, Jesus says you got to love

your spouse as Christ loved the church.

And as he lists all those things, the one says one thing

he says presenting her. I almost feel like there's

there's there's going to be something of that, like I'm it's

going to be a shadow in the background because that's all

God's doing and he's the one that's fashioning her.

But if I have a role to play, I want to have that phrase

presenting her in my mind when I view her as my wife, but more

than that, as a daughter of the Most High God.

He is shaping her. He is growing her.

He is molding her into His glorious beauty and perfection.

And I have a role in that. That is an incredible privilege

for me, and she has the same role for me.

We get to help one another in this, but I've got to realize

every time we have a disagreement, every time there's

something that it's kind of like, oh, itchy, scratchy.

It's like I've got to just hold up a mirror.

Why am I reacting the way I'm reacting?

Was are these things coming out in me?

Why do I lose my temper when that gets said?

Why do I react the way I do when she does that thing that she

does? Because she's not actually the

one with the problem. I'm the one my my issues, my

flaws are being exposed. But that we can then talk about

those things say. But yes, what you said now

really OK, just got me going and I, I don't know why.

And help me with this. I'm struggling.

Yeah. You see, now we now we're not

playing at being married. Now we're coming into the

fullness of what God has for us because there's a growing

reality of us becoming more like him.

And our marriage should be facilitating that.

It should be aimed at that. Because the purpose of marriage

is not happiness, it's holiness that needs to be the thing that

we're aiming for. Knowing that when that is what

we're aiming for, happiness just comes flooding in.

Any other happiness, it's fleeting.

So we come into this relationship with a promise.

It's established in Covenant, and that's the thing that we

keep going back to, the thing that we keep reminding ourselves

of. And we acted out, We

demonstrated to one another in action, indecision by loving and

serving the other. Realizing that this marriage is

not for my benefit, it's actually for her benefit, but

knowing that in this relationship, that's her

commitment as well. I don't have to worry about

myself. She's worrying about me.

And then to have this eternal perspective and realize this is

a temporal reality, this is fleeting.

This is like, I mean, there is no comparison that can explain

it better, but there is a heavenly marriage that is

waiting for us. And our marriage has got to find

its place in that. We got to get the right

perspective and eternal perspective.

And then knowing that we have the privilege of being best

friends. But in this beautiful

friendship, God is doing an ongoing work of molding us,

shaping us, and making us more like Him.

And there's no other relationship that will have more

to do with that purpose than my marriage relationship.

Holiness is the purpose of why we are married.