Session 4 Part 2: The Players in Marriage (Applied)

So let's try and apply some of this.

I've said, you know, in terms of working out our roles, we've got

different personalities, different seasons of our lives.

So it's not prescriptive. We got to get the broadview and

then we stay in there. That's the safe zone.

But we got to work it out in our own lives.

But if we looked at some practicalities, if we looked at

what does this look like? One of the things in terms of

headship and submission comes to this thing of intimacy and I

want to say headship does not equal entitlement.

So the one Corinthians 7 text the go to scripture for men who

believe that there's this entitlement.

So I'm the head of the home and I'm keen for some loving.

So best you just make yourself available.

They actually have scripture to back it up.

Like Lovey, let me show you what it says in one Corinthians 7.

You got to realize when it comes to six, men are always ready.

Like we're we're like a like a light switch.

Women are not like that. And we're like a kettle and

they're like, and you can, you can flick that switch, but

nothing's happening for the first few seconds.

This we got to heat this thing up.

We, we got to get it to the boil.

And then when we hit the boiling point, then it's all good.

I mean, a man can be sitting watching his favorite sport.

World Cup final 3 minutes to the end, schools are tied and it's

the most 10. The wife walks down with

lingerie and says, honey, I'm I'm ready, I'm good.

It's easy or I'm making my way to the bedroom.

We're always ready. We had a friend because, you

know, part of the difficulty in marriage when it comes to

intimacy is reading for the moment.

You know that moment and when you're like lying in bed and you

just rub the aunt kind of scene. Anything there, man?

Not nothing. I can you got to like read like

the thermometer, like, you know, we see in the boiling curve, you

know, friends of ours, he's close to 61 of the funniest

guys. He went out and and had them

like custom made two pillowcases.

Well, sorry, one pillowcase with two sides.

The one just said yes and the other side was no.

He gave it to his wife and he says I'm tired of guessing you

just when I walk in whatever sides facing up.

So because we're different and because they are different needs

and and different kind of makeups, we've both got to be

sensitive to that. There's got to be a sensitivity

to that. That's where like headship is

not burst through the room and say, all right, just because I

said so and I've got scripture to back it up, let's get it on.

I don't, I don't think that falls under the definition of

headship equaling the exercise of your authority for the

benefit of the other. That's exercising your authority

for your own benefit. I don't think that that's what

the scripture is saying. I mean, let's look at what it

says. The wife does not have authority

over her own body, but yields it.

There's the gift. I'm yielding it, but as a gift

to a husband. In the same way the husband does

not have authority of his own body, but yields.

It doesn't really struggle with the yielding part of that, but

he yields it to his wife. Do you not deprive each other

except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time so that you may

devote yourselves to pray, then come together again so that

Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control?

So it's a warning, it's a cautioning, but there's two

things at play there. There's a yielding and there's a

consent, and that says mutual consent by mutual consent.

And if by definition you have mutual consent to not, and

surely you've got to have mutual consent too, You can't, you

can't have mutual consent to not be intimate with one another for

a specific time or specific reason without having mutual

consent to be intimate with one another.

Just by definition of how that's phrased.

We got to get the fact there's a there's a consenting and it's

mutual and there's a yielding and it's mutual.

So we can develop in our relationship and understanding

of one another as sensitivity to one another, where our intimacy

is yielding and it's consensual, but it is by no means headship

equals entitlement. And just because I'm the head,

that's just abusive. I promise you I've, I've heard

of counsel within church where they take scripture like this

and it's like, well, if the man says you just got to go with it,

you don't have an option. I don't think that's

representing God's heart. I, I really struggle to accept

that that would be a representation of God's heart.

And if we take what we've covered in terms of what

headship is, it doesn't fit into that definition.

So let's, let's allow God to shake how we intimate intimate

with one another, where there's a mutual yielding and a mutual

consent 2 and not 2. The yes and no, we work out

together. Is that cool?

OK, let's talk about decision making, but do you want to come

back up and talk through that? All righty decision making, how

do we make decisions? So it's just practical things

we're going to give you guys. The servant leader and

submissive helper should come together in such a way that

personalities and gifting can be exercised for the sake of making

good decisions. So for me and Adrian, just to

give you an example, we are extremely different.

So I'm impulsive, I'm a risk taker, I want to see the moment

adventurous and Adrian is very calculated.

Boring so that I didn't piss is very calculated.

He thinks about things, especially if it's big

decisions. He does his homework, he asks

friends, he praise and he praise and he praise.

I think he could any praise and I'm like, oh, enough for really,

can we just make a decision? But anyway, so that that caused

friction in the past because we said different on these things,

but over time, it's just like God showed us that no, you

complement one another. And through that, I'm teaching

you patience and grace and he's shaping us.

So we but in for instance, if we need to make a decision that my,

we can capitalize on opportunities with my gifting,

you know, because I'm so impulsive.

So we can capitalize on things, but with Adrian's strength, he

prevents us from really getting into a situation that we will

regret later. Do you understand what I mean?

So we both bring our giftings and our strings to the table.

So there's a, there's a greater freedom to discuss things.

I don't, I don't feel like I need to try to convince him to

do it my way. And he doesn't feel like in the

other way around, we both bring our strengths and our gifts and

we work together on it. And through that, we honestly

learn patience and grace for one another.

Because sometimes I've got to go and say, OK, Lord, you know

what, I'm just going to pray about this because this is

taking too long for me as a person.

You know, we had to buy a house once.

And because I was in the property market, I knew this was

a good deal and we're going to lose out on it.

If we don't buy it now, like now, we're going to lose out on

the deal. And now you.

Said it just like that When now? But knowing Adrian, I knew, oh,

oh, this is going to take forever.

It's not not bad. So that was that was the

beginning of December. And then you say to me, let's

just pray about it and think about it and speak to Pete, our

friend and this one. And then when we come back from

the holidays in January, we can, we can see, you know, do you

know the property market, It's near that house going to be

gone. We're never going to, you know,

we're going to miss out on this opportunity.

So I just realized this is not going to go anywhere.

But I had, I had to go and sit and instead of nagging him the

whole time, I had to go to God and say, Lord, if this house is

for us, if this is your gift to us, you do it.

You keep that house for us. When we come back in January,

it'll be ours. So God was teaching me the

patience and to intercede with pray and we got it in January,

came back, you made the decision.

You serious? Buy it.

And yeah, it was a really big, big blessing.

So that's all. You just figure one another out,

you know, and you learn to have grace or one another and

actually work together with your different personalities.

Cool. You know what?

I'm equal contributing like equality and like let's

contribute, let's talk things through.

Let's make a decision with your strengths making up for where

I'm lacking and I'm contributing in areas where you lacking.

And so there's this complementary reality.

But I just want to say as far as decision making is concerned, as

as the head of the home, as the husband, you always going to

take ultimate responsibility, which has sometimes been hard

because there's times where Antonette's input is the greater

of the two. And so we make the decision

based on most of her contribution.

But I've got to know in that moment I'm taking

responsibility. So if this is a bad decision,

I'm not later going to say that you look, Adam, the woman made

me do it. That no, no, no, you know, with

equal contribution, but I'm taking responsibility because

that's my God assigned authority.

And if we don't agree, if we hit the deadlock, wives, just defer

to your husband. Just let them then make the

decision because you're not in agreement.

But you, you got to know that God has gifted your husband.

He's going to make mistakes. But even if he's making a

mistake, that's his God assigned authority.

So if we don't agree, defer to the husband, let him make the

decision that cool. What does it look like in terms

of God shaping, in terms of informing us and and making us

into his likeness? The role of headship, which is a

sermon leader, a shepherd king, an authority, but a caring

authority is for the purpose of ministering to your wife and

family. This is physically, emotionally

and most important spiritually. Lead your wife minister to your

wife minister to your family. So good question to ask as a

husband is does my headship allow my wife to submit to me in

a way where she offers it as a gift or feels forced?

So how that ties into God's shaping is if as a wife, my

growing in Christ likeness is my ability to submit to this God

assigned role and to submit to my husband, who is the head.

If I'm becoming more like Jesus in that the question that the

husband's asking is am I leading in a way when my wife is

becoming more like Jesus or am I leading in a way that is fueling

rebellion in her and feeling the complete opposite of becoming

Christ like and bringing out the worst in her.

That's a big charge to the husbands.

I mean, out of those two goddess side roles, in my opinion the

headship is the harder of the two it should be.

And when we get it right, then the submission becomes the ease

because the wife just knows that he's got my best interest at

heart and whatever he's doing is for my benefit.

The role of submission is not silence and compliance.

We've got friends. I mean, their marriage is is of

such a nature that everyone around them, it's like the

reputation is that his wife is the most submissive wife in the

world. I'm one of the few people that

disagree. I don't think she's of missive.

I think she's silent and she's compliant.

She just keeps quiet and and I think the question is as a wife,

am I empowering or enabling my husband?

Empowering is allowing my husband to grow in his leading

role as God would intend. Enabling is I'm submitting in a

way that's perpetuating bad behavior.

Do you understand the difference?

So if a husband is saying, well, this is how it's going to be

babe, but it's it's not godly. There's not something, you know,

kind of sacred about it. He's not leading in a way that

is representative of Jesus. But the wife is so fearful of

him, fears him more than she fears God.

So I'm just going to keep quiet because the last time I opened

my mouth, things went pay shaped.

I'm going to keep quiet. Silence and compliance.

You see, now you're not bringing your equality to the

relationship. You're not contributing, you're

not adding to this oneness, you just complying and as a result,

you're dying on the inside and your husband is actually

perpetuating in his bad behavior because he's not being

confronted because he's also got a going growing Christ likeness.

So your silence and compliance as a wife actually robs your

husband of becoming more like Jesus because he needs to become

the servant leader. He needs to headship you in a

way that your, your benefits and your children's benefits is the

object of his headship. And because you're silent,

because you're compliant, you're not allowing him to be shaped in

that way. You're just enabling him to

continue in his bad behavior. So it's not silence and

compliance and it's not unconditional obedience.

And then it referred to that just now.

God is the ultimate authority. God's word is the ultimate

authority. So if your husband's leading in

your way with, with, with this conflict with God's word that

then the call is not to just obey him.

You know, when Peter and the apostles were walking and they

were confronted with things like, well, we, we obey God

before we obey man. And that applies in our

relationships with one another as well.

We obey God. So when you have this conflict

where husband is saying one thing, but it's not something

that is is in line with God's scripture and his authority,

then you've got to bring it to someone else to say help us work

this out because we're not looking for unconditional

obedience. It's obedience to God.

And in obedience to God, we trust that our husband is

leading us in a godly way. But as soon as it comes out of

that line and we got to put our hands up and say we need help

here because we want to do it according to God's will.