Session 5 Part 1: The Pattern for Marriage

The Pattern for marriage on page 47 has this opening paragraph,

which is just what the session is about.

It says a wife has one driving need to feel loved.

A husband has one driving need to feel respected.

When these needs are met, the marriage relationships things.

When either or both aren't met, the marriage relationship

groans. By abiding by this biblical

pattern, couples can bring greater levels of peace and

fulfillment into their relationships.

So that's based on the Scripture of verse 33 of Ephesians 5, and

we can read it together. It says, however, each one of

you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife

must respect her husband. I just want to make a few

comments on that passage of Scripture or that verse.

I think it's a real neglected verse.

And the Bible said me, when it comes to marriage, it's actually

alarming how that doesn't actually come up in marriage

material. There is a complete book that is

written about that. The book is called Love and

Respect, and it is in your library.

So if you would like to grab that after this course, it would

be helpful. But you'll notice that I mean

that we're talking about Scripture.

This is God's heart for us. It's His Word to us.

But let's just unpack some of the things that we see.

The 1st is that this pattern is prescriptive.

God is prescribing something and he is saying husbands must love

their wives. Wives must respect their

husbands. That's not a suggestion.

It certainly is not worded in the way that it's a suggestion.

It's it's a command. Husbands must.

The the word must is there on both accounts, and it's not like

God is like, oh, I've got this incredible rule and you must

obey it. What he's saying is I have made

man and I have made woman. I know what they are about.

The must love and the must respect is stated in a way where

God's saying you can't afford not to because if you do,

trouble cometh exceedingly quickest.

As we read in the King James somewhere, the the pattern is

gender specific in as that doesn't say husbands and wives

love and respect one another could have said that in some way

it would have been saying the same thing.

But actually, that's not what this is saying.

What it is saying is that husbands must love, wives must

respect. There's a distinction that's

being made with a gender specific command or prescription

is being given to wives and given to husbands.

So what's happening here is that we have a primary need.

That's the driving need and we've got to pay attention to

it. Does that mean that husbands

don't need to be loved? No.

Does that mean that wives don't need to be respected?

No, it's not saying that. It's just saying that there's

that primary need. So if I have to find myself in

the desert on my own and I'm lost and I'm stranded and I get

given the option, what would you rather have?

Water or food? I'll go with water because I'd

stay alive a lot longer on water, but food's good.

But I'm going to get dehydrated a lot sooner and I'm going to

hit the end a lot sooner, so I'm going to choose water.

So water becomes the primary thing and the secondary to that

because we also do need food. But we got to realize that as

husbands, our primary need is respect.

Respect is our water in the desert.

Love is the food, so we love it, we want it, but not as much as

we want respect. Our need for respect is greater

and for wives, love is the water and respect is the food.

So it's just a primary and a secondary need.

So we got to know that we are made in these ways.

Just a simple way that we see that is when it's movie night,

what movie does the guy want to watch?

Like, say things like Gladiator, because it's about honor.

Brave art. Brave.

What Gladiator? I mean, we can just keep

throwing them out, but we're not so much needing to be filled

with the love that we find in romantic comedies or romantic

dramas. The wife is like, whoa, that's

what I want to go watch. Comes from inside.

Yeah, because there's a need and God's made us in a very specific

way and he knows our primary need.

It's unconditional. So it doesn't say wives risk

must respect your husband's as long as they are deserving of

respect. And it also doesn't say husbands

love your wives as long as she's respecting you.

So it's not on condition of it being reciprocated and it's not

on condition of it being deserved.

It's just husbands must love their wives.

Comma wives must respect their husbands.

So if you're in a situation where your wife doesn't respect

you, you're not let off the hook.

You can't say, well, because she doesn't respect me, I'm not

going to love her. It's not a reciprocated reality

as far as us being obligated to and what God is calling us to,

the pattern is connected. So you'll see this 2 commands in

that sentence, but they're still in the same sentence.

And I think that's part of God's genius because He knows they're

connected and the way in which they're connected is the one

triggers the other. Because when a wife is loved by

her husband, it's way easier for that wife to respect her husband

back. But when the converse is true,

it's near nearly impossible. So it's connected.

We'll, we'll talk about the trigger effect just now.

So that's God's pattern. He gives it to us, but this

pattern has got distorted. We've lost our way as far as sin

coming in, and it's as a result of three things.

The one is we are different as men and women, husbands and

wives, we are different. We speak a different language.

We are wired in a different way. I've come to realize that I can

say a phrase and it can mean one thing, and Antonette can say

that exact same phrase and it means another thing.

Give you an example. I've got nothing to wear.

Now when I say that, that means there is no clothes in my

cupboard. Everything is in the wash.

I have nothing to wear when Antoinette says that I'm looking

over a solar thing. What?

Look at all these clothes. What she means is that nothing's

feeling right today. It's like the combos and she

goes through like 5 or 6 days. What do you think of this?

I'm like, yeah, that's brilliant.

And then strangers like, OK, she speaks a pink language, I speak

a blue language. We've got to know that we're

different. And because she speaks a pink

language and I speak a blue language, we got to know that

she's got a pink filter and I've got a blue filter.

So when she speaks her pink language, not only is it

different to the language that I speak, but I'm filtering it in a

different way. So I'm making sense and

processing what she's saying, which is in pink language, in a

blue filter. And I'm like, what the heck are

you talking about? But it's not to say that there's

anything wrong with her. We just, we got this difference

and we got to find a way. I mean, we've got to a point now

where we put the flag up and we say, are we talking pink and

blue? Yeah.

What's happening? It's helpful.

You ought to know like this. This is to understand what,

what, what language are you talking right now?

Because I know that we're different and we've got to make

sure that we're not missing one another or we're not

misunderstanding what's being said.

So we're different. The next thing is we are

imperfect. So there's selfishness, there's

past experience, and because I'm wired for respect, loving is not

what comes naturally to me. And because my wife is wired for

loving, respect doesn't come naturally to her.

And we need God's help. This is where they're

empowering. The power assist of the Spirit

of God is going to invade our lives and invade our marriages

so that we can know our certain significant other and know their

primary need and trust that God leads us and guides us and helps

us and empowers us to do the very thing that doesn't come

naturally to us. Think, think about cards.

Hallmark lives. So you, you, you got like, I

don't know, whatever Christmas, New Year, birthdays,

anniversary, Valentine's Day, every time a card is put on the

shelf and you take it, what is the main emphasis of that card?

When it comes to a card from a husband to a wife or a wife to a

husband, what's the tone of it? Love, always love.

And then the card is received by the wife or the card is received

by the husband, and the wife keeps all their cards.

The house was like, I don't know what to do with this.

Like, thanks, babe. But anyway, she picked all their

cards because it's me expressing my love for her.

And that's exactly what she needs.

It's exactly what she desires. But I wonder if we'd ever given

thought for a card that's emphasis and tone is respect.

And imagine if a if a wife it's a writer call to her husband.

I just want to say I'm your biggest fan.

That will be a cardio keep because that's dear to me.

Now. Now you're talking my language.

I know you love me. I want to know is that you like

me and to know there's a lot of men that I've spoken to asked

the question, do you think your wife loves you?

Absolutely, without a doubt. Does she like you?

I don't think so. But you got to know I mean this,

you mean that, but you got to know that the the liking me is

the more important one. Like I know she loves me.

It's a given. But whether she likes me like

she has a respect for me, she's a fan.

This is what feels men. That's why God's saying husbands

must love their wives, Wives must love respect their husbands

because he knows us. The next thing is we are

ignorant. So we do speak in code when a

wife is complaining, criticizing, crying, what she's

actually saying, this is not in your notes, so don't worry about

Beijing. What she's actually saying is I

want your love. The they're dripping tap thing.

They're complaining, they're criticizing.

It's like, I don't quite know how to phrase this, but I'm just

expressing what's going on inside of me and it's

complaining and it's crying and it's criticizing.

Well, that's certainly how it's being received by the husband.

But actually all she's saying is I just want you to love me.

And her husband is one of two responses to that.

Complaining and criticizing the 1 is a harshness he's watched.

Hulk, the Incredible Hulk, you know, the normal guy who then

just turns into the screen. Man, Pence is ripping and shoot

is over. That thing comes out.

There's a harshness because now you've stepped on my respect

button or he goes quiet. One of two.

You got to know the husband's going to go quiet because

there's an honor thing. Yeah, there's a respect thing.

So I'm rather going to leave the scene of the crime.

I'm walking away because if I stay, I'm going to say something

that I'm going to regret. So he's actually he's he's

appealing to his inner respect, honor.

I'm going to walk away. Either one of those, it's him

crying out, saying I just want to be respected but for the wife

sucked, doesn't love me. It's got harsh with me or he's

just gone silent on me. He's walked away.

Seal is being unloved. We've got to start understanding

because we're ignorant to these things.

We've got to understand that that's what's going on in our

interactions with one another. So let's talk about the

detrimental effects of this pattern being distorted.

Firstly, there's a value factor. When our deepest needs are not

being met, we are left unfulfilled.

We need to know that women have a love tank that requires

constant filling. I think most of us know that

because love tank is this thing that we've heard.

We know about it, but we need to know that men have a respect

tank that requires constant filling.

When this love tank of a woman, it's like just coming back to

what we were saying was Mark Covenant is a husband promising

that I will love you and cherish you.

It's just like she just wants that ongoingly not a well, I

said I loved you. Then if anything changes, I'll

let you know kind of about it's an ongoing showing your love,

expressing your love. Her tank needs to be full of all

the time and it doesn't cost money and it costs the energy.

Got to be intentional. I mean, I heard the story of

this 2 ladies that were talking about a time when they were

married and what their marriages were like and both their

husbands had passed on late in their life.

And the one was incredibly wealthy and the other one was

just kind of like average. And this the more wealthy one

saw something on the mantelpiece.

It was like a little stone and she walked up to it and written

on it very small was a forever and always I will love you.

And it was something that her husband picked up on a walk that

they were walking just like picnic vibes and they were

walking through and he picked up the stone and he said, you know

what? This has been such an amazing

day. I've been with you.

I love you so much. I just wanted to give you this

as a means of saying you're mine and I love you.

He writes it slowly on the mantelpiece.

And the other lady was like, well, I don't know how many

fancy holidays I went on. I don't know how many expensive

cars my husband bought me, but I've never had anything that I

would want to keep and put on the mantelpiece.

Doesn't cost you a lot of money to express your love to your

wife. You need to express it.

She needs a tank fold because she's been wired that way.

With men's, it's all about the admiration curve.

So it's nothing like, you know, the days where you're dating.

So now we're getting to know one another and we're dating.

And you know, it's like when you arrive to pick her up for that

date, you know, the, like the picture that I have is of the

girl coming down the stairs and mom and dad's there and huge

excitement, like almost killing yourself as you run down the

stairs. Like you've seen that, right?

Then you get married five years down the line, you fat pig.

It's like the admiration. It's just like you do nothing

around the house. I've got a burst, I've got a

that, and the admiration is just going for like a absolute.

So they just want to be admired. Sorry, but that's how we make

it. That's where God starts saying,

yeah, I know she loves me, I just don't think she likes me.

Got to watch that admiration curb because men need their

respect tank to be full all the time.

We also have this need. Ours is respect for wives.

It's loved. There was a survey that was done

where men, a group of men were surveyed and they were presented

with two scenarios and they needed to choose which of these

would you take. The one scenario was to be left

alone and unloved in the world. I think about that.

That's huge, to be left alone and to be unloved in the swab.

The other was to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone.

74% said I would go with I'd rather be left alone and unloved

in the swab, that's how big it is for men and I'd rather be

unloved and be on my own than being in a place of feeling

inadequate and disrespected. That's because we wired in this

way. It's who we are.

It's how God has made us. So to be a bit vulnerable.

I really am bad with DIY. I mean, I can, I can change

light bulbs and those kind of things, but anything beyond the

very basics, I'm bad. So when I have an opportunity to

do something, it is a challenge and I take it on as a challenge.

And I arrived home the one day and our dog, who have

subsequently given away, yeah, he had chewed through two

things. The one was our hose pipe.

I mean it doesn't not work with all those teeth marks.

Fortunate it was just the one end so I could cut it off and

put a new fitting on. And the other thing that he

chewed through was our electric motor of the gate where we walk.

We drive into our house. Fortunate, unfortunately the the

cables were too small for him to be shocked, but so he survived

it. But oh OK, it's not unfortunate.

She loved that dog. So I come home, it's like, OK, I

can do this. I can, I can fix it.

I mean, to get some money that's going to cost money.

It's unnecessary. I can do this.

So I'll fix the hose spot, but I'll go and buy one of these

contractions that you know, you like, I don't know what it's

called this exposing my lack of these things, lack of mowing

these things. But you wrap the hose pipe

around it and it's mounted to the wall.

So I've got a mounted to the wall.

I mean, this is including drilling and all these kind of

things. Drill and line it up and I'm put

a little bit higher so the dog can't reach.

And I go inside and I call Antonette.

I don't even realize this is happening.

I mean, I didn't take a photo of it and send it to my dad and

say, hey, dad, look what I just did here.

We were like, I wanted I wanted Antonique to see I like pass the

kids get out of the way. Babe, you got to come check

this. She comes out.

She's like what? It's like I want to show you

something. And while we walking, I'm like

thinking of please don't say it's too high.

Please don't say it's too high. And we get there and she looks

at it and she's like, Oh my word, that is amazing.

Well then, babe, I'm like. And it gave me enough confidence

to tackle the gate motor. And I head in that direction.

She's like, what are you going to do now?

I've got a motor to fix. I think I had to change my

voice. I got a motor to fix.

But I mean, the tools are spread out and power tools.

It was good. So I get to this motive and on

route she says, babe, don't you think we should find Pete now

Pete is this mate of mine who can do anything.

So I've got this notion with if you've got the right tool, you

can fix anything. Pete's my tool, but I just I

just tap in and he just sorts everything out.

So I'm like that. But babe, it's fun.

That's it's wires. It's got to take it or something

and and I don't take my phone with me.

My phone's inside. Because when you do these

things, you don't know. It's social media and stuff

that's separate. We're DIY ING right now.

But my phone rings and behold, it's Pete now.

He doesn't know what's going down.

He just happens to fire and Antonette's on the inside.

She sees Pete on the display. She shouts from inside.

Babe, it's Pete. I'm like it's like gal I'll

phone him back later. When I look again she's running

outside. Babe, I really think you need to

take this. I'm like babe can you not see I

am busy. She answers it and the Peaches

hold. But Pete 's first question is

what are you up to? And that he was in his car and

he came and fixed the motor. Here's the point.

Antonette Via was more important than anyone else's.

Like I wanted her to see my my DIY skills was on display and I

was so desperate for her to come with commendation and just man,

this is amazing. Well done.

You know why it's Antonette more than it is anyone else?

Because she knows me. She knows every flaw.

She knows me. And when the person who knows

your flaws, who's got to smell your farts, the one who who's

seen you act your worst, the one who who sees you when you react

in a bad way when you lose your temper, the the one who doesn't

get faced with the facade that you get to put across when

you're in a public space holding up appearances, It's that one

that you want the respect from because of that is true respect.

That's the meaningful one. It's very easy to try and

convince someone else at Gaza this, you know, their own

brilliant. You know all about till you get

to know me, you won't be saying that, but the one that does know

me is the one that I'm desperate to have respect from.

That's why I'm running up the stairs and saying, babe, you've

got to come take a look at this because she knows me and that

respect, when I get respect from her, it's way more authentic and

weighty than respect from anyone else.

So your wife and wives death, your husbands are desiring your

respect because that is way more meaningful than respect that

they get from anyone else. So this respect tank is big.

I want to just also before I go to the next blank to fill in,

there's one caution. I want to say I've heard this

many times. Wives say I'll respect him when

he is worthy of respect, but like look at him and he's this

and he's that sits on the couch and finding fault with all the

things. I just want to say you cannot

put that on your husband because by doing that, you're giving

both of those commands for your husband to do.

Now he's responsible for loving you and he's responsible for

burning the respect. And that's where men clutch out

because it's too vague. It's too much for them to

obtain. Now you must say, well, what do

I do if he's not deserving of respect?

We're going to answer some of that in terms of the

practicality, but there's always things to find.

There's always coming behind. There's always a fanning into

flame. That's kind of like you're this

to me. You've done that for me.

You wake up in the morning and you go to work every day.

I appreciate you. It's not hard to find those

things, but you've got to find those things where respect is

due and express it and appreciate him and you'll see

he'll just go from one level to the next.

This is how it works because men are mine.

Why? That way you know this, they

tell the story of we've got rugby in South Africa's big

sport and liar, the Lions is one of the teams that over the last

few years they've just done exceptionally well, just like

top of the log in all the tournaments.

And the big story there is that it's a bunch of nobodies.

Nobody knows that that that's like the the story on the

ground. It's kind of like they never had

any like major players, no spring book South African

players in the team. But you know what happened?

The coach, him and his assistant coach, they were in New Zealand

and they'd just hope taken over the Lions team and they were

rock bottom, bottom of the log. And they met with a New Zealand

coach, Lori Mains, excellent New Zealand coach.

And he said to them, because they asked for advice, what do

we do in this situation? He said don't buy a single

player, don't get anyone new in, don't buy a single player and

let this team know that you're not going to do that.

It's up to them because you believe in them.

That's the success story of the lights.

So now all of these nobodies are filling the the Springbok team,

the South African team. Now they've become somebodies.

But you know what the head is the grounding of it was their

coach saying you're it, we're backing you, you're the team.

We're not going to replace you with anyone else.

We're not buying any players in. You're the guys that we are

trusting to bring us from the bottom of the log to the top of

the log. And we know you can do it.

And that was the atmosphere that that coach created and the guys

just rose to the next level because that's how men are.

Why it touched you there. So the trigger effect.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural

tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife.

When your wife, when a wife feels unloved, she has a natural

tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her

husband. So basically, without love, she

reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts

without love. That's the trigger and the one

triggers the other. So you could have a situation

where a wife expresses her thoughts and there's a tone of

criticism in her thought and in her words.

The husband, he receives that as content.

He receives that as inadequate. I'm disrespected.

She doesn't like me. His response is either one of

I'm going to get harsh back because you're pushing my

button. So I'm going to I'm going to

give it back to you or I'm going to leave.

I'm going to go silent. You know the silent treatment.

What's women go silent, disdain, honourable thing, walk away.

That gets perceived by the wife as he doesn't love me, He's not

willing to sort this out, he's not willing to hear me, he's not

willing to love me in a way that we could find one another in

this. So the next time they get

together and there's interaction, the criticism is a

little harder from the wife to the husband.

And the husband, he responds in a way where he is harsher than

he was before or is even quieter for a longer period of time.

And the trigger just ensues. And it accumulates and it

escalates. The quantity gets more and the

intensity of it gets more. And eventually the wife is

saying my husband does not love me and the way in which he does

not love me is grounds for divorce.

Not realizing that it started with her critical words.

The cycle is just downward spiral.

And they can get to a point where it can be so intense and

so much friction, but it just starts with a slight distortion.

And because of this downward spiral, it accumulates and it

escalates and it just gets worse and worse and worse.

So for us not to get the spec and for us not to know the

trigger effect of the pattern is very dangerous.

But the good news is the trigger effect is in the positive as

well, such as in the negative. So let's see how we bring order

to the pattern. What are we to do?

Firstly, we got to identify the real issue because so often we

are arguing about something or we're in conflict with one

another about something, but we've got to know that's not the

real issue. There's an issue below that.

There's a below the surface. And like I said last night, 9

out of 10 times it's a love and respect issue.

And if you could just stop the tension, if you could just push

the pause button in a moment of conflict and say, OK, can we

just have a pink and blue conversation now?

But we we can carry on with what we're arguing about just now.

But before we get there, can we just see if we can identify the

real issue you think about, like the stuff that we argue about,

like money or the lack of. When things are tight, it brings

tension. 12:50 The guy's getting heated because he's not feeling

like he's respected because he's got to bring home the money.

Who's the provider? Are we arguing about money or

we're arguing about respect? I think we're arguing about

respect and it just brings us to a place where we can actually

talk about the thing that needs to be spoken about.

I mean, if these things are so slight.

So it's not even like it doesn't even have to be a major

explosion. I'll just share with you one of

one of the things that we said and I'm sure underneath one mind

if she does, we'll have to sort it out later, but just deal with

the real issue. She would say things like, man,

I just don't have enough tumble space or Rosie's room is so

small and it is, I get that. Like I don't know where to put

her stuff. I don't know where to put our

linen. We need extra tumble space.

But you know that every time she says that my filter is I haven't

provided a big enough house. That's how I receive it.

OK, So it's not like major it's, it's just a minor thing.

She's just expressing like that's a real need.

It's like that's my situation. I don't know where to put all

the things. But the way in which it comes to

me is that I don't feel like I've given my wife and my family

a big enough house with all the things that we need.

So that's just like, it's her space, it's her home when it's

our home. But it's like she's the

homemaker. And she's got all right to talk

freely and openly about, but we got to just have a conversation

somewhere in the mix to just kind of say, Hey, babe, when you

say those things, I know it's your frustration that you're

just venting, but just kind of bring the blue language in

because what you're actually saying is I haven't done enough

to give us a big enough house with enough space.

So I know you're venting your frustration.

And for me, it's not just about hearing the frustration and,

and, and I kind of like bearing with it.

It actually taps into me at like it, it affects me because I

would love to give you a big, bigger house.

I'd love for us to afford a bigger house and have all the

space you desire that you're potentially just going to fall

with more clothes and then not have enough space again.

But granted, let's just let's just identify the real issue.

So now that's just a, this is the tiny little venting of a

frustration. But when we start getting into

real odgy bodgies about money and but I know there's a

provider there that's in the mix and he wants to provide in a way

where he feels respected, not disrespected.

So very often the issue that we are arguing about is not the

real issue. And we've got to take a step

back from that argument. Just hit the pause button,

Whatever you do like, we'll just do like pink and blue.

Let's it's got to figure out, are we talking about love and

respect here or is this a separate issue?

Because I promise you, most of the time it's that love and

respect thing and it's helpful for us because it grounds us in

the proper conversation. And then we can have a more

meaningful working at art because now we're dealing with

the real issue. Does that make sense?

OK, so become other centered. I think that's realizing that

their intention is not to disrespect you or the intention

of the husband is not to not love you.

They just expressing their needs.

They're just talking about where they're at.

And it doesn't, it doesn't look like we're not freed from our

responsibility. So when I become other centered,

I know that Antoinette's need is love.

So even though I'm not feeling respect, I'm not going to do

this reciprocation thing. You know, as soon as you stop

respecting me, then I'm going to love you.

I'm going to obligate myself because I've covenated with my

wife and I'm going to love her because she needs life.

I'm becoming other thing that as opposed to be centered.

The other thing is that we need to become cross centered, which

will allow his character to flow through US.

I swear things like humility and forgiveness and grace starts to

flow. Now you want to talk about

respect being deserved? Just put yourself under the

banner of the gospel and ask the question, Did you deserve God's

grace? No, but yet He gave it.

So now who am I to withhold something when that person's not

deserving of it? I'm not allowing the gospel to

flood my life. Let's live under God's blessing.

Do you think God's way?