Session 5 Part 2: The Pattern for Marriage (Applied)

OK, let's talk about practically what does it mean for wives?

OK, so we I'm going to speak to the husbands and just give you

handles what we as women want to make us feel loved.

So just to go back to that Scripture in Genesis 2 verse 24.

Genesis 2:24

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall

cleave unto his wife and they shall become one flesh.

So this covers that first sentence.

She wants you to be close. So cleave in Hebrew means it's

to cling, hold, keep close. We want you to be close.

You know, God is love and when we close to God, he overwhelms

us with his love. And in the same way we want you

to be close. Love can't grow in this

distance. Me and Adrian can't waltz, do

that dance if there's distance between us because then we can't

with distance. Love can't grow.

It can't challenge, it can't be intimate, it can't relate.

So we want that closeness. And I'm not talking about

physical closeness the whole time.

That is impossible. I'm talking about emotional

closeness, a spiritual closeness.

I want to know that he likes me and he wants to be my friend and

his preference would be to be with me, you know?

And I want him to be inclusive, not be exclusive.

So we as women want face to face down men most of all, one

shoulder to shoulder time. OK.

So we need to, we need to know that.

So Aiden knows that if he comes home after a day's work, he

usually makes coffee for us and we have just a bit of just

catching up time. But I know those 5 minutes is

really authentic and he wants to sit with me and yeah, my day and

we can discuss things. I don't need hours of closeness.

We just want that face to face. Look at me.

Look. Look at me in the eyes and let's

communicate, because communication is a big thing in

marriages. The other thing, Yeah, don't

show us close closeness just before bedtime.

It's not going to go well. Go down the ball.

It's the atmosphere you create on a daily basis.

It's the closeness. OK.

The second one is she wants you to open up to her.

We want you to be open to us. And I think this is a difficult

one for guys because they don't talk that easily, especially

about emotions and feelings. But it's our way of feeling

connected to you and we want to feel connected to you.

So if I ask Aiden who just who, who just phoned you, it's not

that I want to, I don't trust him or I want to interrogate

him. I just want to feel connected.

I want to be on the same page. We often read one another's

WhatsApp messages, you know, because there's no time to talk.

And then we catch up on things through that.

But it's, it's just openness. There's no secrets between us.

So communication is, is a very important thing as as soon as we

feel you have secrets or you're excluding us, for us as women,

it affects, it affects our, our body, mind and soul and our

spirits feel crushed. And when our spirits are

crushed, our bodies are unavailable.

So it affects a lot for us when we feel we excluded and you

keeping things secret. So even be open, communicate, be

vulnerable. Even when you mess up, be

vulnerable when we mess up, tell us so that you don't sit with

bitterness towards us. And it can grow and it can turn

into harshness and. I'll just add something.

The way in which a husband is wired is that it's kind of like,

if something is wrong, I'll let you know.

So if I'm not saying anything, we're all good.

But the way the wife is wired is she just wants the relationship

to be kept up to date. So tell me that everything's OK,

Like, let's keep talking because I just want to hear it.

But we've got to know that there's these two different

ways. And her husband is inclined to

say, well, I'll speak, I'll let you know if something is out of

place. But if you hear nothing from me,

just take it as a thumbs up. And the wife is like, eh, no, I

just want to. We just want to talk about

things like we're going to keep our relationship up to date,

stay close. The next one is she wants you to

listen now. I don't have you guys have seen

this funny video clip of this couple talking and she's got a

nail in her head, a big nail, but it's it's not obviously

fake. And they sitting on the couch

having a conversation and she's trying to tell her husband that

she's got this terrible headache.

It's all over and and he's trying to tell her babes, can I

just, you know, pull the nail ass and so he will go to it's

like, can I just you know, it's like stop fixing me.

You always want to fix me. Just listen, I've got this

headache and all my sweaters are nicked and I it's the funniest

video clip but what she is trying it at the end he just

hugs and so I understand, I understand and the nails still

in my head, but what is. So when that hug the nail goes

into his eyes like. It's really funny when you

Cliff, all she wanted was just just hear me.

Just listen. Don't try and fix me all the

time. Just listen.

You must understand that that the husband reflects Christ and

we as well. We, we the church, and just as

the church put all his burdens on to Jesus, we want to do the

same with our husbands. We want to just put our burden

on to you and we just want you to understand and to listen to

us. We don't always need all the

fixing. Don't tell us.

Stop crying. Just why are you crying so much?

You're always crying. Just listen.

Just here. Just give us an ear and show us

empathy. Then we feel loved.

She wants you to say I'm sorry. Now I think, yeah.

The blue in the pink language comes in because when we say

we're sorry, we feel like we want to connect with you again.

We want to bring peace in the house, but when men say they're

sorry, they're scared to say that because they feel like

they're admitting to guilt first of all, and that they might lose

respect or give you you more ammunition not to respect them.

And it's not like that, husbands, if you say you're

sorry, we feel like you're building that bridge again.

You, you building towards us to connect again, to have peace

again in the house. Please, are you sorry?

You know in the Proverbs 15 verse one, it says a gentle

answer turns away rough, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

And in Colossians 3 verse 19 it says husbands love your wives

Colossians 3:19

and do not be harsh with him. There's a reason why I can't put

this in the Bible. He knows that As's wives cannot

handle harshness. We can still handle it from

other people, but from our husbands harsh words, you're it

devastates our spirits. And I think it's in the Bible as

well, because God knows that men struggles with this, you know,

so we, I think there's another translation that they use

instead of harshness. They say bitterness, and

bitterness comes from unmet expectations, disappointments,

you know, and if it doesn't get dealt with, it's this reservoir

that just builds up with hurt feelings and bitterness.

And then you start to snap and you, you say silly things to one

another that actually the underlying thing is this

reservoir of hurt feelings because it hasn't been dealt

with. So speak easily, keep the peace.

And when something bothers you, speak, speak about it

immediately so it can be dealt with.

And it's not something that builds up and it builds up in

your loss. So be kind, be gentle, keep the

peace. And the next one is we want, she

wants to know that you are committed.

You know that when Aiden spoke about when we ate in redunking

risks, that is commitment. It's loyalty.

So like Adrian now just said, when we ask you, do you love me,

It's not that we're asking for information.

We're asking for reassurance. That's what we want.

We know or we think sometimes you love us that reassure us,

reassure us that we are the only one.

The grass is not always green on the other side.

We settled so many couples that when his infidelity and the

husband of love moves away just a year later, not even a year

later, that spouse wants to come back and then it's sometimes too

late. It's not it's it's really not

green on the other side. Stay committed, stay loyal, stay

true in your covenant in action and speech.

The last one is she wants you to cherish her.

We want you to honor and cherish US1 Peter 3 verse 7.

It says live in an understanding way with your wives and then it

carries on saying and so and show her honor or respect as a

fellow heir of the grace of life so that your prayers will not be

hindered. So just maybe, maybe for some of

you, if you feel like your praise have been hindered, maybe

you are not honoring your wife the way God intended you to

honour her. And simple ways of honouring

your wife, be proud of her so that you're proud of her.

Speak well of her. Never embarrass her in public or

at home. Teach your children to respect

her. Always stand by her side and

back her in front of your kids. Never go go against her in front

of your kids. Remember anniversaries,

birthdays, all those things. It's just part of showing honor

and and to cherish her. Know her love language.

You know you can come home and wash the dishes every day but

all she wants is that 5 minutes of coffee with you.

So know what makes her tick. And then the last thing I want

to mention, never ever forget to laugh.

We love a lot. We love at one another, we love

together. We don't take love seriously.

We take God and the things of God seriously.

But you we need to love more honestly.

We need to see the fun in life and fun in marriage and just to

have fun together. And here's is what I actually

picked up about laughters. Laughter decreases stress

hormones and increases immune cells and effect in and

infection fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance

to disease. It even lowers blood pressure.

How's that love? Love that triggers the release

of endorphins, the body's natural feel good chemicals.

Endorphins promotes an overall sense of well-being and can even

temporarily relieve pain. How good is God that he created

us like that? So you don't take it too serious

life, you know, Have fun together, discover one another

again, discover your dreams again, and love.

It's brilliant. I mean, just that thing of

cherishing your wife and, and and expressing their like just

the simplicity of it. As a husband, if you could take

whatever time during the course of the day, early afternoon, if

I send an SMS to Internet, just send her a message saying yes,

I'm looking forward to seeing it tonight.

What that does for her. And I'm not doing it as like

formula. It's just like I think about it.

I mean, tensional with my words that she knows that I want to be

with her and that we are together and that we'll always

be together. And it's almost like you develop

a covenant, a language where you're expressing these things

in a way that it's just clear to her that's what what our wives

need. Let me speak to the wives in

terms of husbands and what husbands want and look for.

He wants you to admire his efforts.

If I had to, from my perspective, say what has helped

our marriage immensely is that Antonette is my biggest fan.

She's my cheerleader. She just says she's great with

pom poms. Brilliant, but I just know

she's, you know, like when you've got someone on the side

of the field that's just always reaching for you.

That's how I feel she is with me.

So whatever the efforts of the husband is as a wife, be the

cheerleader and and let your husband know he wants to desire

to work and to achieve. But at the same time, you got to

show interest in that. You got to show appreciation for

it. Show it.

The second thing is he wants you to appreciate his protection and

provision. You know, sometimes you need to

just appreciate a husband's desire to provide and to protect

because then we so quick to say, well, I mean, we're struggling.

Yeah. And things aren't what they

should be. And.

But man, if the husband's waking up in the morning early, getting

in his car, going to work, there's a desire for him to

provide. So he might not be providing,

but then focus on his desire to provide and appreciate that word

that like just I love the fact that you're so committed to

making things work. Let him know that the third one,

he wants you to align, to lead, to give him the space to

exercise authority. Don't undermine a husband's

authority with what can only be described as self righteousness.

I know better. Allow the husband to lead,

especially if he uses Jesus as the example, because then he's

going to lead in a way that is just never going to be something

you're going to want to contest. He wants you to acknowledge his

insight. Now here's an area of conflict

that I think comes up very often because men have insight, women

have intuition and they're both incredible gifts that God has

given us, but don't ever allow your intuition as a wife to over

shadow your husband's insight. So like the the flip side for a

wife is I want to just sit down with my husband and I just want

to talk and I want to kind of just express the fact that I'm

struggling with something or and don't fix me.

Please don't fix me. Just listen.

The husband on the other side is wired in a way where he wants to

apply himself. He's got insight, so let me

apply it. And as opposed to giving him the

space to that, there's kind of this sense of, well, I've got

this gut feel, this intuition and you're contesting him in

that. There was a time where early in

our marriage we went through probably about six months felt

like 6 years, but six months of Anthony could come to me

regularly and ask so such and such.

What do you think? And I'll be, I would say XYZ and

then later on I'll find out she's done something else.

She's like taken her own intuitive leaning.

I'm like, OK. And then the next time she would

come and ask me a different scenario and I would give my

insight and she would go with her own tuition.

I mean, she said it is this strong, very independent.

When we got married, she'd like for really 32 years old when

when we met. So she had her own.

She's strong and a little bit of stubbornness there.

But she would ask my opinion. I would give it.

I'm giving my insight. And then she would go with

something else. And I just went quieter and

quieter and the levels of frustration were growing in me

and she didn't even know it, but I was dying on the inside.

I was like, man, I'm giving you my insight, but you're not

taking it and we need to just sit down and I need to explain

to the babe, I don't know why you keep coming me to with

coming to me with these things because like, I think you're

asking for my advice. I give it and then you don't

take it. So if you're not going to take

it, then rather than ask me because this is really hard for

me, but sometimes the intuition of a woman can be of such a

nature that you, you just it overshadows the inside of your

husband. Your husband's been gifted with

insight and analytical, rational.

Let's work things out because I'm a fixer and, and, and the

wife is more well, I got a gut failure.

But don't, don't let your intuition override your

husband's insight. Allow his insight to set order

and give a direction for your home.

Your husband wants you to be around until it said it like a

wife wants face to FaceTime. So look at me in the eye face to

face. A husband wants shoulder to

shoulder time. It's like he wants you to be

close. He just doesn't want you to talk

just so why are the talking? Just sit.

So sit. Can we just watch TV?

Can we just, can we just sit? It's like, I want you to be

around, but that's all. There's been times where like,

I'll, I'll be like multitasking just because of the business of

life. So I'll have earphones and I'm

listening to something, but I'm also doing it.

And so I'm like, hey, baby, like just got to be around.

Yeah. And then she's sitting and I'm

like, well, now we've got time earphones in.

Like, dude, seriously, Because it's like, it's that moment.

Now we we have time, kids are in bed, it's great.

And now we can't talk. It's like we let's use this

time. We want to.

But sometimes you just got to like there's a bit of give and

take. So there are just times where

you know, we got to talk and we're going to have the face to

face. But allow your husband also just

shoulder time. It's OK.

Let's just be so why about talking later and tune to 1.

If you allow that atmosphere, talking will happen.

You'll get your face to FaceTime.

He wants you to aspire to intimacy.

Now we've got to know that physically when a wife is not up

to things and there's a big no. But for a husband, that's

physical disrespect. So there's there's got to be a

sense of wives also initiating sometimes.

I think it is a space where men need to initiate most of the

time. But for a, for a man to know,

like my wife, she wants me like she digs me, She wants to spend

time with me in that intimate way.

It's healthy. It's just good for your

marriage, good for a husband's respect tank.

Because then it's not just about this is just my needs and I want

to spend time with you in this intimate way.

And whether you want it or not, actually he wants you to want

it. He wants you to be in a space

where you aspire to that physical connection.

You know, wife was kind of like, we need to be close.

We need to have that closeness, like kind of the atmosphere

through the day, the boiling of the water and the kettle so that

we can be intimate. A husband finds closeness in the

intimacy. Because it's like the switch and

I said that we don't need to have the closeness to be

intimate, but in being intimate, we found the closeness and know

that about your husband. So don't let intimacy be an area

where disrespect starts to flow. And if you ever feel like I'm,

I'm just saying yes out of duty or obligation, then let that

obligation be limited to the decision, not the deed.

What once you've decided and then be in and enjoy the moment

together because that intimacy is important for the husband to

feel like man. This is an area where as far as

respect is concerned, my wife and I are on the same page and

there's a satisfaction that I can see she's enjoying and I'm

being satisfied through this. But that's an area of respect

that sometimes can be completely disempowering for a husband to

the point where it just leads to a whole bunch of unnecessary

issues. You know, when I've sat with

people who have been unfaithful and specifically men, it's a

game, a respect issue, not a last issue.

I mean, it's like obvious. We think, oh, this guy is just

he's, he's had a moment of weakness or multiple moments of

weakness and to the point where he's just rebellious and he's

he's neglected his wife and his run off with someone.

But think about it. Think about what it's like to be

disrespected at home, but to be highly respected by your

secretary because your secretary is like, man, you are the bee's

niece. You are an amazing, you're such

an incredible leader. I love the way you deal with

people. You've got such incredible

business acumen. Those kind of comments, the

guy's like, hey, I'm respected here, completely disrespected at

home. But yeah, I'm respected very

often. Infidelity is actually not a

last issue. That's a respect issue when it's

by the husband. We got to know how important

these things are because that's where his tank is being filled.

So he goes in that direction. I'm not saying lust is not part

of it at all, but the driving force is.

I'm disrespected at home. My wife doesn't respect me, but

this lady, she's my fat, she's a great cheerleader of mine.

And that's where the weakness because my tank is empty here,

but it's been full year and infidelity ensues.

So we've got to be really, really conscious of this and

know just how important it is. So if we look at love and

respect in lots of eternity, we've got to know that we're not

just looking at an ordered pattern.

We want a renewed pattern. God must renew this pattern for

us and Jesus needs to be the center.

This quote of Amazon Igrich is the guy that writes their book

on love and respect is Ultimately you practice love or

respect because beyond your spouse, you see Jesus Christ and

you envision a moment when you will be standing before Him at

the final judgment, realizing that your marriage was really a

tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your

reverence for your Lord. So when we bring our marriages

under our relationship with Jesus and we know that our

relationship with Jesus is one of loving him and having

absolute respect and reverence for Him, we stand in awe of who

He is. Then we know that when we allow

that reality to start to find its way into our marriages, that

it's representing more of our relationship with Jesus than

anything else. And for that reason, and because

God's made it so plain, we submit ourselves to His leading

and to His guiding, and that he has said husbands must love

their wives, wives must respect their husbands.

We can't afford not to do it. We got to give ourselves to it.