Purpose Full: Disagreeing Well | Part 3

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Well, we've been in a series called Purpose Full, Purposeful.

And today the sermon titles called Disagreeing Well.

Would you go ahead and say that out loud?

Disagreeing well.

Yeah, we don't know how to do that anymore, do we?

Let's say that again.

Disagreeing well.

Come on now.

Disagreeing well.

Listen, how you and I go about conflict or disagreement will either make or break a purposeful life.

It will either make or break.

And here's the reason why.

It will either build or it will burn bridges, won't it?

It will either strengthen or sabotage friendships.

It will either develop or diminish your own character or influence.

And this last year, I've watched close friends who've been friends for a long time no longer be friends because they disagreed on how to pandemic.

Disagreed on how what, you know, you vaccinate or not.

All these different things.

I've watched families strain under the struggle of disagreement.

Marriages that are on the brink of collapsing because we do not know how to disagree anymore, do we?

In fact, today, if you the kind of mantra, if you will, is if you disagree with me, isn't it true?

You're basically dead to me.

It's just, hey, I'm done with you.

If you disagree, if we disagree, we can't disagree.

If you disagree with me, you're dead with me.

Here's what we do.

We've been texting the disagreement deal and we ghost them, or they ghost us.

We block them on social media.

We avoid them in person.

We do this in the church world, by the way, especially when you have multiple services.

Oh, they go to the first service, I'm gonna go to the second service.

Or you know what?

We we're disagreeing, so I'm gonna go to a new church.

We are losing the ability to disagree well, and how we go about it, how we go about disagreement and conflict will either make or break us in a purpose-filled life.

And so, how do you navigate?

How do we navigate disagreement as a follower of Jesus?

How do you navigate it in a healthy, productive, God-honoring way?

Today we're gonna look at uh one of the most famous, if not the most famous, disagreements in the New Testament.

I wanna take you through just three observations about conflict after that, and then a biblical framework or lens of how to navigate uh disagreement well.

If you got your Bibles, would you open up to Matthew, or not Matthew, we're not even in the book of Matthew, good grief.

Acts chapter 15.

Acts 15 · chapter mention

Acts chapter 15, verse 36.

Acts 15:36

Begins this way.

Some time later, Paul said to Barnabas, let's go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preach the word of the Lord and see how they're doing.

They had gone on this, you know, missionary journey.

They've gone to Cyprus and then parts of Asia Minor, the Galatia area.

God used them powerfully, and they then returned, reported back.

They had the Jerusalem Council last week.

We talked about what does it mean to be saved?

Uh, and then they're spending time in Antioch and just processing.

And Paul says, Let's go back.

Wouldn't it be so great?

We we love these people, we haven't seen them in for a long time.

Let's go back and see how they're doing.

And here's where the plot thickens.

Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him.

Why?

Because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work.

There, if you remember, last week we talked about this, they traveled from Antioch to the island of Cyprus.

John Mark was with them through this journey, and then when they traveled to Cyprus up to uh Pamphylia, uh, then John Mark couldn't handle the intensity and the opposition, and he deserts them there and goes back to Jerusalem.

And Barnabas, I mean, his name is Son of Encouragement.

Barnabas, he always sees somebody as, you know, God has such good potential and uh longs to see their lives be used.

He's he's gonna come alongside, put his arm around you, and give you a second chance.

And Paul.

Well, Paul is so driven, he feels called, he's he's called to reach the unreached and go to places that are even more hazardous and dangerous, and they're at this crossroads.

Barnabas says, I want to take John Mark, I want to give him a second chance.

I know he didn't measure up in that moment, but I believe he has it in him.

And Paul's going, listen, where we're headed, it's gonna get even harder.

I don't think it's wise.

I don't listen, I I love John Mark, he's wonderful, but but take him on like an introductory missions trip.

This is like, you know, for the not the faint of heart.

Well, they had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company.

Barnabas.

Everybody likes Barnabas.

It's hard not to like Barnabas.

Paul, the apostle who wrote chapter 13 of 1 Corinthians, all about love, had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company, and Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus.

But Paul chose Silas, uh leader, and left and commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord.

He went through Syria and Sicily, uh, strengthening the churches.

I have a map just up here so you can see exactly uh where they went.

And two observations before we divide dive into about conflict here is how Barnabas and Paul disagreed.

Notice this how they disagreed expanded their impact, not it didn't diminish their impact.

Notice that Barnabas took John Mark and he went to the island of Cyprus.

That's his hometown, his home nation there, and where John Mark had begun the journey with them.

And Paul then travels up through uh inland and he takes Silas with him.

And now there's two teams multiplying their impact.

The second thing I want you to notice is how they disagree and how they went about this did not undermine future partnership and relationship.

In fact, later on, the apostle Paul would write this in his letter to Timothy send John Mark to me, for he is useful to me.

You would see later different writings of Paul where he would then speak highly of John Mark and possibly of Barnabas.

And so, how do you navigate disagreement as a follower of Jesus?

There's some things in this text that are important for us.

First observation about conflict is this conflict is unavoidable.

Conflict is unavoidable.

Every relationship, no matter how good or godly, will experience conflict, disagreement.

Listen, if Barnabas and Paul got into it, we're gonna get into it.

If these two had a sharp dispute, there's gonna be times where people that you love, people that are godly, people that you go like, man, I just never would have imagined you're gonna experience conflict.

It's unavoidable.

Secondly, conflict is difficult, isn't it?

It's just hard.

It's just hard.

This was hard.

This was difficult.

It's hard because it's emotional, it's hard because it gets personal really quick.

It's hard because we don't really, I mean, in our day, we haven't been modeled how to disagree well or how to have conflict well, or even given the tools to do it well.

It's just uncomfortable, isn't it?

And so we want to avoid it, or some of our personalities, we go right after it.

It's unavoidable, it's difficult, and yet it is an opportunity to grow.

Jot right next to that, Proverbs 27, 17th.

We meant mentioned it last week, 27, 17.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Conflict.

It doesn't mean it always is, but it is an opportunity to grow just as iron sharpens iron.

Now, what happens when you're sharpening iron?

Friction, sparks, and it is that friction and that sparks that rubs off the rough edges that sharpen and develop.

See, could it be that the things that you've been avoiding or the or maybe the ghosting or running away from or attacking are the very things God wants to use as an opportunity to grow and to develop you, to expand who you are, to shape your character.

And so, how do we navigate disagreement?

Well, let me just give you four steps, a biblical framework for navigating disagreements.

Well, the first is define the problem on your own.

Define the problem on your own.

Notice, not with your besties, not with your small group, not as a prayer request.

You know, I really have this issue with this co-worker, and um I really shouldn't say, well, her name's Sally, and um and Sally is just awful.

I mean, the way she goes about it, or my boss, or you you know, you know that one guy at church?

Oh my gosh, he's an EGR, isn't he?

What's an EGR?

Extra grace required.

Oh my gosh.

Just pray for my heart.

Pray for my responses.

Define the problem on your own, not with a small group, not with your besties, not on a long social media post that is abstract and says all the things that you're emoting in the moments.

How do we do this?

First, examine your heart in part.

Jesus would say it this way, Matthew chapter 7.

Matthew 7 · chapter mention

Before you dare take the speck out of someone else's eye, take the log out of yours.

And let's be honest.

We overestimate the clarity of our own thinking about other people's problems, and we underestimate the fog of our own issues.

It's like there's a log in our eyes, there's motive issues in my heart.

No matter how flat a pancake, there's always two sides to it, and so I might just be playing a part in this.

You begin to examine your heart and your part, and here's what I encourage you to do: write it down.

Write it down.

We live in our world, we keep the emotions right here, and then you begin to write it down, and as you put pen to paper, it begins to give you perspective.

And you begin to see part of your heart there, and you're like, okay, you know what?

That's more emotion, and that's how I'm feeling, but those aren't the facts.

That's not exactly all that's going on there.

See, when you examine your own heart, you take time.

Holy Spirit, would you show me what's going on in me?

We're quick to correct in our culture, but we're slow to confess.

And where we say, we're gonna take time and confess personally.

Second, move from thinking about them to praying for them.

We're gonna examine our heart, and then isn't it true that the people that you have a disagreement with that they just keep coming back to your mind and you keep thinking about them, and you maybe think about how you're gonna win that argument, or what you would say if you had the guts to say it, or all those sort of things.

Move from thinking about them to praying for them.

Jesus in Matthew chapter 5 says, listen.

Matthew 5 · chapter mention

Bless those who persecute you and pray for your enemies.

Every time, listen, make a commitment.

Every time that person comes to mind, I'm gonna pray for them.

I wonder what would change in our hearts.

I wonder what would change in the atmosphere.

I wonder what God would want to do if every time they came to our mind, instead of moving into the mental dialogue of all the things we want to say and all the ways they've done X, Y, and Z, that we turned it to prayer for them.

And then give the generous explanation for their behavior.

I've used this question over and over.

So if you've been around awakening a while, you know this well.

What is the most generous explanation for their behavior?

See, I'm gonna write down and examine my heart.

I'm gonna move from thinking to praying, and instead of jumping to the very worst explanation, is what this is our natural.

I'm gonna give them the best explanation.

Here's what I'm gonna do for them.

I am gonna give them the benefit of the doubt that I want them to have given me.

What is the most generous explanation for their behavior?

In crucial conversations, the authors write this about uh our emotions and conflict.

It says, just after we observe what others do, and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story.

We add meaning to the action we observed, we make a guess at the motive uh driving the behavior, why they were doing that.

We also add judgment.

Is that good or bad?

And then, based on these thoughts or stories, our body responds with an emotion.

See, we have to be careful about the stories we're telling ourselves.

And we jump to conclusions, we jump to judgments, we jump to motives immediately.

Define the problem on your own, examine your heart, move from thinking to praying, give a generous explanation, and then finally, if necessary, seek wise counsel.

Well, Ryan, why would you say if necessary?

Well, because here's what we do in our culture today.

Much of our seeking wise counsel is trying to get people on our side.

Trying to get people to agree with us, see life from our frame, telling people how bad that person is.

Scripture speaks a ton about seeking wise counsel.

And as you're defining on your own, and if you find yourself stuck, you go, okay, who is someone that loves Jesus, that knows God's word, that knows both myself and this other individual who can speak into it and give me perspective.

You know, when I try to bring something that's frustrating to my wife, the frustrating part is instead of her going like, yeah, because that's what we all want when we share something frustrating and ah, so-and-so, yada yada.

She gives me, well, maybe there's another um reason.

Or have you thought about I don't want to think about that, I don't want to wrestle with that.

I don't want to give them the benefit of the doubt.

And so define the problem on your own, navigating disagreements well.

First, we have to define it on our own.

Secondly, then, we have to set up a time to talk and do not put it off.

Set up a time to talk, go directly to the person.

In our culture today, we go directly to social media, we go directly to our friend group, set up a time to talk, don't put it off.

How do we do this?

We do this first face to face, face to face.

Note, not in a text, not in a voice text, not in a marco polo, not in a DM, not even in a phone call.

I can't tell you how many disagreements have gone over text messages that have been completely taken out of context, and just watching two people who love Jesus who are going back and forth, and then eventually what happens is one just stops and then they stop talking altogether.

Go face to face.

In fact, psychologists tell us this that the mere act of listening to someone humanizes them.

Just listening to them.

And what we know about communication is that our words only make up 7% of what's actually communicated.

38% is our tone, 55% is your body language.

If you choose to communicate only via, you know, text or email, like nobody does email.

Okay, not email, whatever.

You're taking out 93% of the communication and allowing the other person to fill in the tone and the motive and the judgment.

Here's how we're gonna do it.

We're gonna set up a time to talk, we're not gonna do it on text, we're gonna do face-to-face, and then we're gonna go sooner than later.

Sooner than later.

Ephesians 4, 26 says, be angry.

Did you know the Bible says be angry?

See, we can hear don't be angry, don't be angry.

It says, be angry and yet do not sin.

Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold.

See, the issue is the longer you stew on something, what you're gonna allow is a root of bitterness to grow in your heart, it will produce a heart of judgment where you're moralistic and right and they're wrong, and eventually it creates division and the devil won.

Sooner than later.

Take time, take process, be angry and do not sin.

Jesus thinks this is such a big deal, by the way, that he says that if your brother or sister has something against you and you're at church and you're at, he says, leave your offering.

So make sure and leave your offering here.

Uh and then go and make it right.

It's such a big deal.

You should skip church to make it right with another person.

Like as we're worshiping, and if you've been worshiping and you're realizing there's something not right between me and another person, the Spirit of God is convicting.

I need to walk away from this moment and go make a phone call.

Hey, can we meet?

Can we get together?

We we need to make it right.

Like, how can I worship God and not be right with you?

Like the two great commandments, interlinked.

Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.

The overflow of my love for God is represented in my love for others.

Set up a time to talk, don't put it off.

Well, what if they're unwilling?

That might happen.

As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

You take the step, you're not responsible for their response.

What if they're unsafe?

First, I would say we classify unsafe way too quickly these days.

So you may need to get outside counsel as whether or not they're unsafe or not.

And if they're unsafe, then you need to go through a process of forgiving them.

There's a great book called Forgiving, forgive and forget by, oh my gosh.

I'll get his um name after a service if you want it.

Um really, really good book on how to process the wounds that we cannot then go and restore with one another.

Set up a time to talk, don't put it off.

Number three, address the problem.

Do not attack the person.

I love Paul and Barnabas here.

The issue's really clear.

The issue is a issue of calling.

Did you catch that?

Barnabas is called to come alongside those to help them reach their full potential.

He did it with Paul.

You know, Paul shows up in Jerusalem and nobody wanted to be around him, and Barnabas comes alongside and walks with him and for Paul to live out his full purpose and calling in Jesus.

And then John Mark, who's his cousin, obviously he's got some you know skin in the game with him.

John Mark, he's like, I'm called to come alongside.

That is my calling.

Paul, what is his calling?

His calling is to go reach those who have not heard the name of Jesus.

Go into territory that is dangerous and share the gospel.

And it's an issue of calling.

At some point, these wonderful godly men, their callings collided and they could not partner anymore.

So instead of going, you always Barney, come on, man.

Get a grip.

What's up?

JM, dude, he deserted us last time, and you're always giving these second chances.

Come on.

Don't you care about those who don't know Jesus?

You gotta make the hard choices sometimes.

And Barnabas isn't going, Paul, come on, man.

You got a second chance.

I gave you a second chance.

Don't you care about people?

See, they didn't attack each other.

They didn't address, they address the issue.

How do we do that?

First, we have to be specific.

Focus on one issue, not many.

Be specific, not vague.

Everyone, others, you always.

Be specific, not one, many issues.

We tend to jump to another issue when we feel like we are losing an argument, don't we?

And so we're talking, we have one issue, and then, well, that starts to fizzle out.

Well, what about this?

What about that?

And so, addressing the problem, we're going to be specific.

Our language matters.

Speak the truth in love.

Ephesians 4 says, in speaking the truth in love, we'll grow into full maturity.

How do we do that?

Well, it's not dropping my truth.

That's kind of what we think.

Speak the truth in love, like boom, this is my truth.

The truth of the matter is speaking the truth in love means I gotta do a lot more listening than speaking.

Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry.

Kovey talks about this in his seven habits of highly effective people, to seek to understand before being understood.

Disagreeing well means listening well.

It means the truth is I have a limited perspective.

And I want to hear and know more.

Speaking the truth in love says, when you did this, I felt hurt.

I felt sad when you did this.

And you begin to share things in compassionate ways, but clear, and finally seek resolution and extend forgiveness.

Paul and Barnabas, they said, you know what?

Our callings aren't a match anymore.

That's not that's okay.

Here's our resolution.

You go this direction, we're gonna multiply impact.

I'm gonna go this direction, and we're gonna do more for the kingdom of God because we realize our we're gonna lean into our calling and extend forgiveness.

Jesus followed.

We cannot say I can't forgive them.

I hear that a lot from Christians.

I could never forgive them.

And Jesus calls us to forgive in the same way that He has forgiven us.

It doesn't mean it's easy.

But when we recognize the depth and the grace and the forgiveness of God, when we're overwhelmed by that reality and recognize that we are all spiritually bankrupt before a holy God, and Jesus says, I love you and you're fully forgiven.

It's like, how could we not then extend that to others around us?

So how do we navigate conflict or disagreements?

Well, we got to define the problem, set a time to talk, address the problem, don't attack the person, and then finally, if stuck, seek outside help.

Matthew 18 gets really clear on how we're to go about disagreements.

If stuck, get outside help.

Matthew 18, uh, Jesus talks about go directly one-on-one to the person.

If you're stuck, get one or two witnesses, someone who sees the situation, who understands, who can speak into.

Still stuck, go get outside help.

Bring it to the leadership of the church.

You know, everyone gets stuck.

We all get stuck at some point.

But the question is please don't stay stuck.

Please, please.

Please don't let your pride keep you stuck in a relationship where God wants to grow you through that relationship.

You know, it was about eight years ago, Jenny and I were just stuck.

We're just stuck in our marriage.

We just kept hitting the same problems over and over again, and we just it just felt like we're on this loop, right?

And we couldn't break out of it.

And and just over and over, it just felt like, man, if nothing changes, then I'm not sure we're gonna make it.

Not real encouraging as a pastor.

I don't know why I did pastors in quotes, and it's not like it's a question.

It was through a process of God breaking me to come to the moment where I said, you know what?

I'm willing to get counseling, and we need counseling.

And we reached out and got some help.

You many of you have heard me talk about Sue, our counselor.

We've been seeing Sue ever since.

And for those who this moment, it just might save a relationship, it just might save your relationship with your kids, or your relationship with your spouse, or a relationship with a friendship when you're going like, you know what, maybe the outside help is I need to get a good, godly counselor that can help me navigate and walk through this because I can't do this and I am stuck, and where we just acknowledge it.

Man, it's one of the best decisions of our marriage.

And to this day, we meet with Sue once a month.

At the beginning, it was hard.

At the beginning, it felt like what I'm doing right now cleaning out the garage and just pulling stuff out.

At the beginning, it felt like it was a bigger mess.

Because there was a lot to unpack, a lot that I needed to work through, we needed to work through.

And through that process, man, God has done such incredible things in our marriage, in our life.

If stuck, seek outside help.

Everyone gets stuck at some point.

Just don't stay stuck.

How we go about conflict will make or break a purpose-filled life.

How we do this as a church, listen to this will either enhance or diminish the reputation of Jesus.

John chapter 17.

John 17 · chapter mention

Would you stand with me?

We're going to close in worship.

John chapter 17, Jesus prays for you and for me.

John 17 · chapter mention

Because he knows this is a big issue and that we're going to struggle with this.

That disagreeing well is really difficult.

And on the night he was betrayed before he is crucified, he prays for you.

And he prays for me.

And this is his prayer.

I pray that they may be one.

Even as the Father and I are one.

Like that's his heartbeat for us.

That we would take this so seriously.

God, this isn't just like something that we go, yeah, that's nice, Ryan.

That was helpful.

And yeah, I might keep the notes.

Like, no, this is Jesus' heartbeat for his church to extend his reputation and his renown and how we disagree and how we go about it.

It represents how well we love one another in the name of Jesus.

Jesus says, Would you be one?

And Heavenly Father, as we come together and recognize we're coming out of a weird season, a hard season.

And emotions are high.

We feel just beat up and frayed.

God, would you meet us?

Would you make us one?

Would you allow what we have in common in you be greater than any difference we have?

Would you give us courage to lean into the difficult conversation because we love one another?

We want the best for one another.

Would you help us lay down our pride at the cross?

And take up the towel to serve those.

Serve those we may not agree with.

And by this, the world will know we are your disciples by how well we love.

God, would you make us that kind of church?

In Jesus' name.

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