Bad Advice: Live Your Truth | Part 1

Welcome to the Awakening Church podcast.

We pray this message encourages you and provides the hope and light of Jesus Christ.

Thanks for tuning in.

So we celebrated this last December, 19 years of marriage.

So yeah, very thank you.

That applause is from my wife sticking it out with me.

And amazingly so, we have three amazing kids, a 17-year-old daughter, almost 15-year-old son, almost 12-year-old son.

Incredible.

Now I was thinking back to when we um were first married, and at least our wedding day.

And as I was thinking about it, you know, one, who gets married in December, anyways?

And I was like, why did we get married?

Not why we got married, but why did we get married, you know, then?

Well, I was at Moody uh finishing up my schooling, and Jenny was just returned from Sweden and was like, I'm not letting this girl out of my sight.

And so uh let's get married on my break.

And so um we did.

That's that's how that happened there.

Now, you know, everybody's got advice, right?

Everybody's got advice for you.

You know, um, if you're getting married, people got lots of advice.

Um, if you're having a kid, good grief, hold on, people got lots of advice.

It's amazing.

Single people have lots of advice for kids, parent parents with kids.

It's I don't understand that one.

Um, but I remember this bit of advice right before we got married.

My um some friends of ours who they were recently married, and he's like, No, Ryan, on your wedding day, you gotta make sure and eat.

I was like, I love to eat, you don't have to tell me twice, thank you very much.

He's like, No, no, no, no, because here's what happens during the reception, uh, everybody's wanting to talk to you, and you have this incredible meal that y'all paid for, we didn't pay for it, father-in-law paid for it, but you get the point.

And and like you just gotta carve out the time to eat.

We got married and we came back, you know, set down our plates and then walked away, and all of a sudden, by the end of it, they had cleared our plates, we didn't even get to eat.

So I said, fantastic, we're going to eat at our wedding.

And and so the wedding day comes, it's wonderful.

My dad did the wedding, he's a pastor, and I I was, I mean, I was a blubbering mess.

I cried just like a baby.

I mean, snot literally everywhere.

You gotta see the video because it's bad.

Um, and and then we had the reception.

And you know, you do the introductions, you come in, and it's exciting, and we had a buffet.

So, as the married couple, we're first to get in line for the buffet.

And as we step in to line, get our plates and sit down, and literally, right as we sit down, I'm about to put the fork to my mouth.

Um, my wife now of an hour uh leans over to me and says, Someone wants to take a picture with us.

And I thought, well, now's the time probably to kind of lay some boundaries in our marriage, you know, outline some things that, like, hey, okay, we're I want to eat.

Got advice, we gotta eat.

And I I just turn, I don't even really look up.

I'm like, we gotta eat, you know.

Now the problem was this wasn't just someone.

This was Jenny's grandma.

And she had gotten up, you know, traveled the distance to be with us.

I think had a little cane walking over and wanted to like just congratulate us and thank us.

And and I'm like, I'm eating my food over here.

And literally, think about this.

In an hour's time, I've been a married, not even two hours at this point, one hour, I'd already deeply offended my now grandmother-in-law, and my wife's already questioned her decision of why she married this fool, anyways.

And isn't it true that we live in a world filled with advice, filled with opinions?

And what if, what if the advice that we've embraced or embracing is actually undermining the very flourishing of our relationships.

Like, how do we discern between good advice and bad advice?

Today we're kicking off a brand new series called Bad Advice.

And here's what we're gonna do over the next several weeks.

We're gonna take a look at some of the most pervasive ideas in our culture that are actually undermining the flourishing of your relationships, the flourishing of your friendships, the flourishing of your marriage, the flourishing of those closest relationships in your life.

And to begin the conversation, let's start with what we all have in common.

The thing that we all agree upon, and this is true relationally, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert.

We all have this deep, innate, God-given desire to have relationships or to experience a relationship that's intimate, life-giving, character shaping.

It has this rugged commitment to one another.

Don't you want that?

An intimate meaning that you are really know someone and they really know you.

Life-giving.

Like when you're around them, your tank's just filled.

They're refreshing.

Character shaping, that you're just becoming a better person because you're around them.

And it's not just a fair weather friend, not someone who's there in the good times or just in and out, but a rugged commitment to one another.

Someone that's there through thick and thin.

Don't we all want that kind of relationship?

And the question is, how in the world, how in the world do we have those kinds of relationships?

And the problem today, as you know, is we live in a world filled with relational opinions, right?

Whether it's on Instagram or TikTok, uh, maybe you're still on Facebook, that's fine.

Or whether it's just sitting around talking with your friends.

We live in this world that's just overwhelmed and inundated.

Everywhere you turn, somebody's telling you how to do relationships.

And yet, isn't it true that we're starved for relational wisdom?

We desperately need wisdom.

It's amazing.

Uh, the Proverbs says it this way there's a way that seems right to a person, but in the end it leads to death.

And just under that right, just right, there's an opinion that seems right.

There's advice that seems right, that looks good, that feels good, that sounds good, but in the end, it's actually undermining the very flourishing of the relationships that matter most.

Well, what is then this relational wisdom?

If we're star for it, what is relational wisdom?

Well, wisdom biblically is actually the skill of navigating life well.

Wisdom fundamentally isn't just the acquiring of information.

Wisdom is the application of the right knowledge at the right time in the right way.

It's actually a skill that you develop.

Uh, here's the best way I can explain it is um let's let's pretend you don't know how to swim, okay?

And so you decide you want to learn how to swim, and then you go and watch every YouTube video instructional tutorial on how to swim.

Question: Do you know how to swim?

No.

Why?

Because to swim, you have to get in the pool, you actually have to put it into practice.

See, wisdom is a skill to be to be developed that we have to put into practice.

In fact, for some, this is so important as we begin this series you want to come and download some information, but it will not make you better at your relationships until you start applying it in your life and you have to work at it and develop it.

And you don't begin swimming at, you know, at the Michael Phelps level, you just begin with the doggy paddle.

At least that's where I began.

And here's another thing about biblical wisdom of God's wisdom for our life.

It's not just a skill, but as we think about it and you realize it's actually countercultural.

It goes against the stream of culture.

This is all the downloaded information that people are saying about how to do relationships, and and wisdom goes against it.

In fact, the apostle Paul would say it this way in Romans chapter 12, verse 2 do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world or to the culture of this world.

Romans 12:2

Don't be molded or pressed in.

Don't allow all the opinions and the vice to shape you.

Instead, be transformed.

Allow yourself to be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

That life change happens as we renew our mind on the word of God.

And then it says this.

Then you'll be able to test and approve what God's will is.

Like your life, as you begin to put this into practice, begins to like test like gold, reveal his will, his good, his pleasing, and perfect will for your life.

That relational wisdom is actually counter-culture.

It's going to go against the grain or the stream of culture, but it's also counterintuitive.

Like the ways of Jesus are countercultural, but it's also counterintuitive.

Think about Jesus.

What do you say?

The first will be okay.

Well, the first will be, thank you.

If you want to be great, what?

Serve.

Like he he said this in Matthew.

Uh he's like, deny yourself.

Pick up your cross and follow me.

If anyone wants to save their life, they'll lose it.

But if they lose their life for my sake, they'll find it.

It's counterintuitive that actually giving your life away for the sake of Christ is where a true life is found.

Think about it from back to that swimming illustration.

So swimming is counterintuitive because the minute you jump into the pool, to be able to swim well, you have to do something that you feel like you shouldn't do.

And that is put your head in the water.

Right?

So when I was learning to swim, I had a fantastic doggy paddle.

I doggy paddled with the best of them, and I did that for way too many years afterwards.

It took me a long time to learn to swim well.

Why?

Because I didn't want to put my head in the water.

But as long as your head is out of the water, what happens to your body?

It goes down, and you will not be able to swim well.

May float, but not well.

The minute you put your head in the water, you're like, I'm gonna drown.

No, no, no, you can just turn to the side, thank you very much.

But all of a sudden, your body goes up.

It's counterintuitive, and relational wisdom is that counterintuitive.

You're like, I'm not so sure about that.

But the minute you begin to do it, you realize, oh, that's exactly right.

And so many of us are doggy pouting in our relationships.

And you know, you're like, what's wrong with that?

Nothing.

I just haven't seen the doggy paddle at the Olympics yet, but it might get there.

Relational wisdom is skilled to be developed, it's counter-cultural, it's counterintuitive.

And so let's dive in with what I think is one of the most pervasive in our culture and destructive ideas that's undermining the flourishing of your relationships.

And simply this live your truth.

Live your truth.

You do you, and I'll do me.

Now, here's what I'm not saying.

I'm not saying that your experience isn't valid and real or somehow trying to demean that.

And I'm not saying that if you have experienced trauma, hurt, or some of those sort of things, that you don't share and talk about those things.

But this is an ideology that gets built in that you gotta live your authentic self and don't let anybody else tell you how to live.

Follow your heart, live your truth.

Now, underneath this idea are really three presuppositions that are forming it.

And the first is if we're living our truth, is this is that truth then is relative.

Truth is relative.

In fact, in the postmodern era that we now live in, we'd say here, hear this a lot, there is no absolute truth.

Which, by the way, just put on your thinking cap for a second.

The minute you said that was an absolute, so we at least identified one absolute, hello.

So if there's one, maybe there's more.

So you already contradicted yourself.

That's regardless of the point.

But here's what we're saying, or what they're saying, when truth is relative and live your truth.

There is no moral truth, right?

There, there is this, there are is no right or wrong way to treat people.

And yet the problem is intuitively already know that kindness, tolerance, equity are all part of this outside standard of goodness that we know that people should be treated with and we should receive.

First, uh, under live your truth is truth is relative.

Second, truth is personal.

If truth is relative and it's out there, then I get to make it up, right?

That's why it's live my truth, not your truth.

It's personal, it's my personal truth.

You know, what's true for me isn't necessarily true for you.

And so don't step on me, okay?

Let me do me and you do you.

Now, when we're talking about truth, really what we're talking about is the construct or our understanding of how we're trying to navigate life.

Truth acts as a compass for our life.

When we're saying live your truth, really, it's like, I want to try to figure out how do I navigate life and be able to do this well.

And truth is what happens as the north, you know, star or the you know, north uh true north in our life.

Now just imagine this.

We find a whole group of people in the uh woods that are lost, and they all have compasses that point different directions.

And they're having a just a sweet moment.

It says, you know what, I respect your compass if you respect my compass.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Yet it doesn't help them get them unlost, does it?

See, truth is relative, then builds into this idea, truth is personal.

And as a result, since it's personal, I get to define it, then truth is adjustable.

I just get to adjust and I get to change it.

I get to, you know, figure out if it suits me in this moment or if not.

We kind of use this question: does it serve me?

And when something or someone no longer serves you, then we just change our truth.

Does it make me happy?

Does it restrict me?

And truth becomes this moving target that changes on the wave and tide of our feelings and emotions.

Uh the great philosopher Dallas Woodward wrote this about truth.

He said, truth reveals reality.

In fact, truth is that which corresponds to reality.

That's what truth is.

Truth reveals reality, and the re and reality can be described as what we humans run into when we're wrong.

A collision in which we always lose.

See, when we believe when what we believe to be true doesn't match with reality, we get hit with a wake-up call.

When I was four, I believed with my entire being that I could swim.

And uh I'm not exactly sure.

I think we were at a hotel for some reason, and I was walking with my parents, and I was probably about 10 paces ahead of my parents, and my mom actually I just remembered this right now, because I was so confident, I'm telling my mom, I can swim, and I can hear my mom's voice.

Ryan, now, Ryan, you can't swim.

Yes, I can, mom.

So confident.

And I marched all out there and I do this big jump into the deep end.

And I sank like a rock.

And I still have this picture, I still remember this.

My dad's arm reaching in and pulling me by the neck out.

See, here's the thing about it.

It didn't matter how much I believed that I could swim.

The reality, the truth of the matter, was I could not swim.

I had not learned the laws of physics that I could now adjust my body in such a way to navigate the swimming pool, and so I ran up against it and left unto myself.

Would have been broken deeply.

And this is what we're doing relationally.

And how does this play out in our relationships?

It goes something like this I have the right to do relationships however I desire.

Because I'm gonna live my truth and get the results that I desire.

I have the right, I have the right to do my relationships.

I have the right to date however I want.

I have the right to, you know, be sexual however I want.

I have the right to do friendships however I want and still get the results I desire.

What are the results to experience intimate, life-giving, character-shaping relationships that have a rugged commitment to one another?

Notice what the author or the proverb says.

Says the simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their step.

One commentator, when he's uh defining the simple, what that means, the simple is a very young person who is untrained morally or intellectually and is therefore gullible.

Means they just, whatever they hear, they bring it in and take it in and accept it.

And this is one of the challenges by by the way of living in the age of information and being inundated with so much information.

We have so much information coming to us, we've abdicated our thinking.

And we just accept what other people are tweeting or posting or writing as true instead of stopping and saying, Is it true?

Is it good?

Is it right?

But the prudence, now here's what the prudent are.

The prudent understand that all of life is connected.

They understand that what I did back here impacts over here.

In fact, they understand that what they did today or in the past doesn't just follow them into the future, it actually directs their future.

And so, and so they give thought to their steps.

I have the right to go about relationships however I desire and still get the results.

Let's take a quick look at the results relationally in America.

Let's just look at friendships today.

Friendships socially, we are socially more connected than ever and never more disconnected.

Americans are friendly but lonely, according to Barna research.

Gen Z has been identified as the loneliest generation.

One out of five Americans have no person they they can talk to.

I know, I'll be careful.

It was interesting.

On average, reporting that they've never, uh they're never alone and never felt more lonely.

Always having kids attached to them so there's never a downtime and yet feel deeply lonely.

Let's talk about marriage.

There's this growing pessimism and finding love that will last a lifetime.

Fewer and fewer people are getting married.

Forty to 50% end in divorce.

Millennials are now getting married much later than previous generations.

It's on average around age 32.

Let's talk about family.

The average family spends 37 minutes of quality time together per day.

A lot of that is just driving from one socket.

Event to the next.

By the way, the average adult, this is insane.

The average adult spends three hours on social media.

Um, I came across where someone had done the math of what that is in a lifetime.

Do you want to know?

Oh, the groans, okay.

In a lifetime, that adds up to six years and eight months on social media.

By the way, that doesn't include TV.

The lifetime of TV adds up to eight years and four months, spending over fifteen years of our lives on social media or TV.

But some of you are like, no, that's fine.

I actually watch TV and am on my phone at the same time.

If live your truth isn't working, what is relational wisdom for us?

What does God's word have us?

Would you open your Bible to Galatians chapter 6?

Galatians 6 · chapter mention

Galatians 6.

Uh, we're gonna be in verse 7.

The apostle Paul begins this way.

He says, Do not be deceived.

God cannot be mocked.

In fact, he's saying, stop being deceived.

The tense of this verb is we're already deceived.

There's something that you've bought into, a way of living, a way of behaving, a way of thinking.

Stop it.

Why?

Because God, do not be deceived, God.

God cannot be mocked.

See, when we're talking about truth, truth is relative, but truth is not relative, it's objective.

See, if there is no God, then truth is relative.

Absolutely.

And there is no meaning in life, there is no purpose in life, there is no standard of goodness upon which we should treat one another, and so I have no right or responsibility but for me, and you're just spinning around on this rock, circling a fiery ball to nothingness.

It says, Do not be deceived, God.

God cannot be mocked.

Truth is not relative, it's objective.

There is a standard of goodness.

Why?

Because in the beginning, God created.

And so we are a part of something that was created, designed, with intention.

And he goes even further than that, that every human being that he created, the male and female, in his own image.

And so that the equality and the tolerance and the dignity doesn't derive from any social policy, it drives from the hardwine that you are an image bearer of the God most high.

You have infinite dignity and worth.

Do not be deceived, God.

See, truth is not relative, it is objective.

God created you, He created you for relationship.

God designed relationships so he actually knows the best way for those to work.

And as long as we're trying to do it on our terms, our ways, we will keep breaking ourselves against the very moral fabric of the universe.

And Jesus takes it one step further, by the way.

Jesus follows.

See, truth is not relative.

We can't have that as our truth is uh live your truth.

You know what Jesus said?

I am the way and the truth.

Thank you, Saye.

Let's try that with everybody else.

It's on the screens.

I am the way and the and the life.

Jesus makes an absolute claim to be truth in the flesh.

Now, any human that would ever make that claim, you're going like, that's pretty ridiculous.

And yet, Jesus, think about this, Jesus predicted his own death and resurrection and then did it.

Anyone who predicts their own death, resurrection, and then does it, I'm gonna take whatever else they say.

And follower of Jesus is not live your truth, Jesus is your truth.

And so whatever Jesus says about relationships, whatever Jesus says about this, it is truth and it's life, and he defines reality, not us.

Truth is not relative, it is or it is objective.

James goes on to say, a man reaps what he sows.

Truth is not personal, it is universal.

Just as the laws of the universe dictate that if I am going to plant a kernel of corn, I will reap corn.

And nobody would expect that, you know, that if I plant eggplants, which I don't know why, I don't like eggplants.

Cantaloupe, why did I get things I don't like?

Oh, that's right.

I'm not a big vegetable guy.

Cucumber.

See, whatever you sow and you put into the ground, you're not expecting something different to come out of it, right?

It's the law of the harvest and the laws of nature and the moral law of God, just like the laws of nature, is woven through the fabric of the universe, his goodness.

And we reap, we reap what we sow.

He goes on.

It's not just personal, it's universal, it's true for every person.

And then he says this, he brings it home whoever sows to please their flesh from the flesh will reap destruction.

Whoever sows to please the spirit from the spirit will reap eternal life.

Well, what is the flesh and what is the spirit?

If you have your Bibles open, you can just go to Galatians chapter 5, 5, verse 19.

Galatians 5 · chapter mention

The acts of the flesh are obvious.

Sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, self, I'm running out of breath, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like, I warn you, as I did before, that those who live this way will not inherit the kingdom of life.

Doesn't it sound right here?

Who sow to the flesh will reap destruction, just like the proverb?

There's a way that seems right, but in the end it leads to death?

Now think about this.

If I sow hatred, if I sow discord, if I sow rage, if I sow selfish ambition, if I sow envious, what kind of relationships am I gonna have?

What kind of friendships am I gonna have?

What kind of marriage am I gonna have?

And then he goes to the fruit of the spirit, 22.

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

Against such things there's no law.

If I sow love, if I sow peace, if I sow joy, if I'm actively sowing gentleness, which hello, I still growing in that one.

If I sow self-control, what kind of relationships do you think you'll have?

See, we tend to think that we can do relationships however I desire and still get the results I desire.

And yet the laws of the universe, the moral laws of God, are the same as the law of the harvest.

That you reap what you sow.

See, and so truth is not adjustable, it's immutable.

You don't get to adjust truth to your life, you don't get to sow discord, you don't get to sow jealousy, you don't get to just sow envy and go, but I want an intimate, life-giving, character-shaping relationship.

What's gonna produce from that?

And we wonder why we're on our phones like this and we're sewing.

This is called sewing, we just don't realize it.

And we wonder why we're getting the results that we're getting.

See, relational wisdom says this.

You have the right to do relationships however you desire.

We live in America, it's a wonderful thing.

But you are not free to get the results you desire.

We reap what we sow.

So, what do we do with this?

Well, the seed that you sow determines the fruit that you grow.

Paul gives us some directions of how do we apply this.

He says, Let us not become weary in doing good.

That's a word for some of you here.

Some of you parents are weary.

Maybe weary with where teenagers are, and you're like, I'm just done with them, or weary with the young ones.

Maybe you're weary in a friendship, maybe you're weary in your marriage.

And then he goes on.

Let us, uh, for at the proper time we'll reap a harvest if we do not give up.

And that's the hard part about sowing and reaping, right?

Because we never reap in the same season that we sow.

And so that's why we tend to think that we can sow one thing because we're not experiencing the consequences of that until a year, two years, ten years later.

And so we think, okay, I can get the results that I desire, whether good or bad.

Don't grow weary in doing good.

And then he says, therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people.

What do you want to sell?

Good to who?

All people.

Yeah, I just said that.

All people.

You know that boss that you really don't like?

So good.

You know your marriage where it's really struggling and you're just really frustrated with them?

So good.

You know that friend that that you totally disagree with politically and they post everything, so you you know, block them on Instagram.

So good.

Especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

See, we gotta look at what are we reaping.

It reveals what we've been sowing, and if we want something different, we gotta sow a different kind of seed.

2020, 2021, for all of us was really hard, right?

For Jenny and I, some of our closest friends moved away.

Um, one of our closest friends went through the most hellacious like marriage crisis.

And so we're in this season of just running and trying and trying to figure out life and kids, and then you know, people kids are going back to school, and we're trying to help our friends.

And and it was last year, over the summer, that that Jenny and I just started to have friction.

Started small, just started rub.

The way we like to say it is uh we had TIFS, you know.

Our kids hate that.

They're like TIFS, just say it's an argument.

And then I looked up what a TIFF here's the definition of a TIFF.

It's a quarrel uh between friends or lovers, and then I know my kids don't ever want to hear us call each other lovers, but it was a TIF.

It was TIFS, and yet they kept being unresolved, and we're in a season where we're so dry and so weary and so tired that then they built on each other.

We have a counselor that we meet with monthly, and it just felt like we weren't getting any traction and we're just just constant friction.

And and then I was getting so frustrated because you know this in relationships, you just look at the other person, you see all the things they need to change, and of course, you don't need to change, they need to change.

And so I began to think about all the things that my perfect, lovely, amazing wife needed to change and adjust.

And it's like, if only she would do this.

And then I decided, well, I'm gonna meet with the counselor, I better write that down.

Two weeks we'll talk about love.

Love keeps no records of wrong.

I was definitely keeping a record of wrong.

I just began to write it down.

And then something started to happen.

It's because we kept having these misses and disagreements and friction, and it was getting really hard that I just realized I started to just have a critical heart.

And my thoughts were critical.

And I had this moment in the thick of it, where as I'm writing in my journal frustrations, God's like dealing with me.

And he's like, Ryan, instead of every time what you're critical of, of Jenny, what if you just prayed for Jenny?

Because I don't want to, that's why.

But that seems like a good idea.

It's powerful.

See, what I didn't understand is through that time I'm sowing seeds of criticalness, sowing seeds.

What are you gonna produce?

And it's so powerful that every time a thought or feeling of those things came out, I'm just gonna replace it with prayer for.

I'm gonna replace it with prayer for.

See, the seed you sow determines the fruit you grow.

Do good to all people.

So let me ask you.

If I continue to take these steps relationally, what's the destination?

Through friendship, through marriage, to co-workers.

If I continue to take these steps sexually, what's the destination?

If I continue to take these steps financially, emotionally, spiritually.

What's the destination?

The seeds you sow determine the fruit that we grow in our relationships.

For some, as we close, there's a sense that it feels hopeless.

Ryan, I've sowed a lot.

And I feel like there's no hope because it wasn't good.

And the beautiful, incredible hope of the gospel is that Jesus is your hope.

See, only can the moral law of the universe be interrupted by the one who created it all.

And Jesus, who knew no sin, became sin for you, me, that we might become the very righteousness of God.

Jesus said, You've been sowing that, but I'll take the reaping so that you can step into the family of God.

I'll interrupt the cycle.

My grace prevails and is greater.

And for some, that's right where you're at and what you need.

In this moment is just to run to Jesus.

Just to run to Jesus.

And I'm placing my faith and trust in your work, and you have taken that on.

Heavenly Father, I pray for my friends in this moment that we would run to you.

Thank you that you break the cycle of sin and shame.

Thank you that you disrupt the laws of the harvest of destruction in our life, and you bring life.

That you literally sowed your life to the grave for our sake, that we might have life.

Right now, would you meet us?

Would you draw us close?

Would you would you bring healing and would you bring hope and would you bring a new vision for life and relationships, a flourishing, which is your heart for us.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

We hope you are blessed by this message.

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